Lance Armstrong Drinking Game = Certain Death

07.7.2005 | 10:25 am

Last night I did some ironing. Usually, I can get about 10 days worth of ironing done in around an hour, but last night my wife was out, my kids were in bed, and I had a stage (stage 5, the one right after the TTT) of the Tour de France to watch. I figured I’d take care of ironing every iron-able thing in the house, and watch the entire stage. 
But this was no idle idle-TV-watching session. I had a plan: I would count, from pre-race show to podium ceremony, exactly how many times the announcers referred to Lance Armstrong.
I set myself some ground rules, in order to keep the count from being frivilous or exaggerated. I wanted this to be an honest count of how often Lance is mentioned. Here are the rules I worked with:
  • He could be referred to by name or by strong inference. Eg, “leader of the Discovery Team” is good enough. “Discovery Team” is not good enough. If in doubt, don’t count it.
  • Count one reference per paragraph. Eg, if Phil mentions Armstrong in one sentence and then mentions him in the next couple sentences, count only one reference. If, however, he references Armstrong in adjoining but distinct topics, that counts as two.
  • An interview with Lance counts as only one reference. It’s not fair to expect the interviewer or interviewee to not talk about anything but Lance in this circumstance.
  • Seeing the text “Lance Armstrong” on the screen does not count. He must be verbally referenced by an announcer. Seeing Lance himself does not count. This is because OLN only controls what we hear when watching the TdF, not what we see.

Can we agree that I set out to be conservative and honest in how often Lance was mentioned? Yes, of course we can.

Drumroll, Please
Using the above rules, I counted the announcers verbally referencing Lance Armstrong 162 times in stage 5. This was a flat stage — one that had nothing to do with him.

A couple of days ago I wrote a jokey little fake news story about Phil Liggett getting fired because he waited more than 40 seconds between Lance Armstrong mentions. Turns out my exaggeration was way less absurd than I thought. 162 mentions divided into 180 minutes of coverage = 1.1 minutes between Lance Armstrong mentions, on average.

And I was being kind — I was counting during my recording of the early-morning live stage, not the Extended-Coverage Primetime stage, where Al Trautwig and Bob Roll talk about him even more.

If there was a “Lance Armstrong TdF Drinking Game” (copyright 2005, Fat Cyclist Enterprises — all rights reserved), no human alive could make it concious to the end of the stage.

Hey, OLN, I’ve got a tip for you. If you want an audience for the Tour next year, you may want to consider talking about someone who’ll be riding in it then. Just a thought.

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“Cooked Yams” Mystery Solved

07.6.2005 | 11:45 pm

Last Friday I was riding home from work when I hooked up with another cyclist who was headed in the same direction. Of course, we were obligated to pretend to chat nonchalantly while gradually turning up the pace. It was a classic non-race race.
 
As we turned out of Marymoor Park, I caught the familiar smell of Cooked Yams. I asked the guy I was riding with — Steve Somethingoranother — if he knew what that smell was, and where it came from. Frankly, though, I didn’t have much hope.
 
"Oh, there’s a brewery in one of those buildings," Steve said, matter-of-factly. "That’s the smell of barley and hops."
 
Well, whaddayaknow. A brewery, right by a velodrome, a stones-throw from a beautiful lake. All on my commute.
 
I still say it smells like cooked yams, though.
 
How to Enjoy Watching the Tour de France
I’ve got this TdF thing nailed now. The trick is knowing which version of the stage to watch, and how much of each stage to watch. Two simple tricks have made it possible for me to enjoy it to a much greater degree than I did last year.

 

1. Record the early, live version, then watch it later. This is critical for a few reasons:

  • Less Al. OLN tries to make it sound like the Extended Primetime Coverage version of each stage is the one to watch, but they’re just being evil. The live version has Al Trautwig (the least-knowledgable commentator on the planet) only at the beginning and end of the stage. In the Extended Primetime version, he’s all over the place.
  • Fast Forward. You can scan past the commercials. Since OLN is a third-tier network, they have to put what few commercials they get in super-heavy rotation. Watching a taped version lets you scan past these quickly.

2. Let the viewing suit the stage.

  • Time Trial / Team Time Trial: Scan quickly until you get to the racers who matter. Stop every minute or so and listen to the commentators to make sure you haven’t missed a major upset (incredibly fast / slow time, a wreck, etc). Once you get to the major players, stop scanning and enjoy.
  • Flat / Sprinter’s Stage: Here’s what happens: An early breakaway fails quickly. Another seems like it might make it. Then the peloton catches the breakaway 10 – 5 Km from the finish line. The sprinters battle it out. There’s a crash toward the end of the stage. In other words, scan very aggressively through the stage, stopping every couple of minutes to see how the breakaway is doing. If they seem to have a prayer of succeeding or if they’re riders you care about, watch it in real time. Otherwise watch the last 10Km in real time.
  • Mountain Stage: Watch every last second of the stage in real-time. Watch the good parts twice. Savor. Mmmmmm. I luvvvvs  the mountain stages.
I wish I could see my calves.
I think we can take it as given that all cyclists are very vain about their legs. That’s why we shave them. (Well, actually, I don’t shave mine right now, because I’m still a Fat Cyclist. I have told myself I will not shave my legs until I reach 164 lbs, because I think I can at that point say I am no longer fat.) And cyclists know that one of the ways you can gauge the attack-ability of the cyclist ahead of you is by the size and cut of his calves.
 
The problem is, you can’t see your own calves when you’re biking. So you can’t tell whether you look dangerous or doofy. And I know, because I’ve tried numerous times to check my calves while riding. And I’ve got the scars to prove it.
 
Yes, here at the Fat Cyclist blog, we subscribe to the following credo: "Embarassingly honest proclamation / celebration of one’s own personality flaws is the highest form of humor." It’s not a catchy credo, but you’ve got to admit it is fairly descriptive.
 
Today’s Weight: 173.0. I can eat 3 brats and untold quantities of chips and dip, and still only gain a pound? Show me to the smorgasbord!
 
 
 

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News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett

07.6.2005 | 3:54 am

Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times Per Minute, Sources Say

 

Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – Outdoor Life Network today severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for Outdoor Life Network said, "We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong."

 

"Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment."

 

When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, "I had my ‘Lance Stopwatch’ going — it’s what we use to help remind us when it’s time to mention Lance again.” Continued Sherwin, “When Zabriskie fell, Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead of — as is proper — talking about this would affect Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed — still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.”

 

Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, “After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the premises.”

 

Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has lost his best friend. “I’m a huge fan of Armstrong,” said Liggett. “I haven’t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong thinks about that?” Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked melancholy — which is the British equivalent of an American having a complete nervous breakdown.

 

OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, “Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.”

 

“This is going to work out just fine,” said the OLN spokesperson.

 

Today’s Weight: Continues to be an unknown. I return to work tomorrow, and will start weighing myself again then. However, let the fact that I created The Fat Cyclist’s 7-Layer Dip for yesterday’s picnic (it was a big hit, as it always is) — along with the ancillary fact that I ate 3 bratwursts — help you draw your conclusions as to how much self-control I exhibited over the vacation.

 

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News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett

07.5.2005 | 10:23 am

Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times Per Minute, Sources Say

Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) – Outdoor Life Network today severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for Outdoor Life Network said, “We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong.”

“Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment.”

When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, “I had my ‘Lance Stopwatch’ going — it’s what we use to help remind us when it’s time to mention Lance again.” Continued Sherwin, “When Zabriskie fell, Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead of — as is proper — talking about this would affect Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed — still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.”

Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, “After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the premises.”

Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has lost his best friend. “I’m a huge fan of Armstrong,” said Liggett. “I haven’t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong thinks about that?” Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked melancholy — which is the British equivalent of an American having a complete nervous breakdown.

OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, “Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.”

“This is going to work out just fine,” said the OLN spokesperson.

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I Want a Track Bike

07.4.2005 | 5:19 am

Last Friday I took my 9-yr-old to the Marymoor Velodrome for the Friday Night Races. We hadn’t been since last season, and the weather was perfect for an evening out. Plus, the velodrome is only a few miles from where we live. Nice!
 
This was only the second time I’ve been to track races. Until you’ve been, you can understand why it’s not a massively popular sport — what’s fun to watch about guys riding bikes around in a circle? Well, I don’t know if the Marymoor Velodrome is typical, but the races we watched were anything but dull. In particular, there were a couple of formats my son and I thought were incredible.
 

Keirin

This may have been the strangest kind of racing I’ve ever seen. Five or so riders start going around the track, drafting behind a motorcycle, for crying out loud (Interesting tech tidbit: the motorcycle is equipped with a roller behind its back wheel, so the person right behind the motorcycle can bump it without immediately turfing). Over the course of five laps, the motorcycle gradually ramped up speed — to 35mph according to the announcer. Then, with 1.5 laps to go, he peels off the track, and the cyclists — now going at a full-on sprint speed — duke it out to cross the finish line first.

 

I’m sure there are some serious tactics you could learn to do this kind of race well — for one thing, you wouldn’t want to be the guy who’s right behind the motorcycle when it drops off the track, because you’re suddenly leading the group at a pace you can’t sustain and you’re fully exposed to the air. For my son and me, though, it was just a riot to watch these guys spinning such a surreal cadence. They can’t shift gears or coast, remember.

 

Madison

While I had at least heard of Keirin, I had never heard of Madison, but this is what my son and I wound up talking about all the rest of the night — and into the next day. Yeah, we watched stage 1 of the TdF together, but Madison was what we were still talking about.

  • There were eight teams, each consisting of two cyclists — so 16 cyclists out on the track, all at once. Jam-packed.
  • At any point, one member of the team was "in," the other was "out."
  • The "in" racer goes around the the track at a full-on sprint pace, while the "out" racer stays up high on the outside of the track.
  • Just as the "in" racer is about to come by the "out" racer, the "out" racer drops down into the inside of the track, crossing in front of the "in" racer, and extends his right hand.
  • The "in" racer catches the "out" racer’s hand as he shoots by, then slings the "out" racer forward, hard.
  • Now the "out" racer is the "in" racer and the "in" racer is the "out" racer, and maneuvers his way to the outside of the track.
  • Repeat for 32 laps.

 With eight teams out there, someone is swapping constantly. Total mayhem, but — and I was truly amazed by this — nobody crashed. I am absolutely certain that if I tried this kind of exchange, I would tangle handlebars with my teammate every single time.

 

By the time this race was over, I wanted to run out and ask these Cat 1 & 2 racers for their autographs. They had put on the most exhilirating race I have ever seen.

 

We’re going back this Friday.

 

I Want to Play, Too

While we were watching the Madison, my son said something like, "Wouldn’t it be cool if you were doing this race?" Well, there are a couple of reasons why I would never do a Madison:

  • I’m guessing that you’ve got to be Cat 1 or 2 to do that kind of race, and I am not likely to ever reach that kind of level.
  • I’m too timid. Ask anyone I mountain bike with. I just don’t have the guts for that kind of race.

That said, I was thinking that it would be very cool to get out and try track racing. The Marymoor Velodrome has a nice program where you take a 1-day class to learn rules and etiquette for track racing. Then you’re allowed to do Monday night races, which is where all the novices get together and try to get used to it. Then you can graduate to Wednesday night racing. I haven’t read up on it, but there’s some threshold you’ve got to cross before you’re allowed to do Friday night races, so Wednesday nights are probably all I’d ever hope for. But still.

 

And besides, I noticed in the Keirin a guy with a gut every big as mine won the first heat. Weight doesn’t matter as much on the track, you see.

 

Thanks for the Awkward Moment, Tyler

After the races, as we walked back to the car, my son and I were talking about the Tour de France. He asked, "You’ll be rooting for Tyler (Hamilton), right dad?" It was a rhetorical question, because I always root for Tyler.

 

You need to understand: I’m a fan of Tyler to the point of irrationality. He’s my hero. He never quits; I never quit. I’ve finished an endurance race with a separated shoulder, chanting "Tyler wouldn’t quit." I’ve finished another endurance race after the seat broke off my bike — riding uphill for 20 miles in a standing position – chanting "Tyler wouldn’t quit." Seriously.

 

As you’ve probably guessed, I haven’t told my kids about the Hamilton doping debacle. I have my reasons. Mainly, I’m still holding out hope that this will all turn out to be a big mistake. 

 

So instead, I told my son, "He won’t be racing this year."

 

"Why not?" he asked, taken aback.

 

"He just isn’t. Hey, want some ice cream?" 

 

Today’s Weight: Unknown. I’m not weighing myself during the vacation. I’ll deal with the nasty shock — and probability that it will cost me $50 in this week’s Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes — when vacation’s over.

 

 

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