One Nice Thing

08.31.2005 | 8:21 pm

Ask anyone who knows me: I’m self-centered, selfish, and self-absorbed. I am generally and specifically interested in any topic exactly to the degree it involves me. This blog is ample proof of the fact that I live at the exact center of my universe.

And so when I signed up today to do the MS 150 ride on September 10, I didn’t do it out of altruism, although it is a good cause. I did it because I see it as a way I can possibly get a lot of attention by riding my bike all day while painted pink, with messages scrawled all over my leg in magic marker. Read on to see how this could happen.

 

Grand Scheme

While I am lazy and selfish, I am not dumb. OK, maybe I’m dumb, too. But I still know something important, which I shall make really big and bold, with initial caps for emphasis:

 

People Like Free Stuff.

 

So, if you pledge some money for the MS150, there’s a very good chance you’ll get something free. Here’s how it works:

  • Pledge $50 or more and get a handmade bike bracelet. Yes, that’s right. I’m committing my wife, without her knowledge, to creating bike bracelets — similar to the one shown below, though they’re each unique — for each of my big-spender donors. (She can also create bracelets for men). This is quite likely to result in a whole bunch of work and expense for my wife. This cracks me up. Be sure to send email to fatty@fatcyclist.com with your address after you make the pledge, so she knows where to send it to, and what kind you want.

  • Pledge any amount at all and get automatically entered in a raffle for 1 of 2 bike bracelets. Again, my wife is very clever and can make bracelets that are manly or womanly. Send email to fatty@fatcyclist.com after you make a donation so she can get ahold of you for where to send the bracelet and find out what kind you want.
  • Pledge more than $100 and I will write your name (or any short, non-obscene message you like) in big permanent ink marker on a highly visible part of my body on the day of the ride. I intend to start with my calves and work up, but am happy to take suggestions. Oh, and of course you’ll still get the bracelet. After pledging, send email to fatty@fatcyclist.com with your message. I will provide photos (including on my blog, if you like)
  • Pledge more than $1000 and I will paint my entire body the color of your choice for the day of the ride. I feel confident this won’t happen, so am happy to take it a step down: pledge more than $500 and I’ll paint half my body the color of your choice. Email fatty@fatcyclist.com with your choice of color and which half (left/right? Top/bottom?). I will provide photos (including on my blog, if you like). And of course, you’ll still get the bracelet. A couple of ‘em in fact.

I’m begging you. 

Please donate. Click here, in fact, to donate right now. You’ll help find a cure for Multiple Sclerosis, and you’ll help me continue to be lazy and self absorbed. And you might win something, too. That would be cool, wouldn’t it?

 

Today’s Weight: 167.4, but that’s a whole different story involving an enormous number of homemade cookies, two kinds of pizza, and a large sandwich with lots of mozzarella cheese. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone wins the Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes this week.

 

“To Do” List

08.30.2005 | 8:10 pm

Bike riding has been a huge part of my life for about ten years now. You’d think that by now, I’d have at least tried everything I want to try.

To my shame, this is not the case. It’s not even close. There are all kinds of things I still haven’t tried, all kinds of skills I have not acquired.

These are the ones I can remember right this second. Some I expect to try, a few I expect to master. Some I will neither try nor master.

  • Trackstand: This one comes first, because it was while I was failing to do a trackstand at a light this morning that the idea for this list came to me. You know, with as much time as I spend on a bike, by now I should be able to balance on it when it’s not moving. But I wobble, jerk back and forth, and within a few seconds have to put a foot down. Someday, I’m just going to spend an afternoon doing nothing but practicing my trackstand. I don’t know if it’ll do any good, but I’m going to do it anyway.
  • Nose wheelie: My friend Rick does the coolest stop on his mountain bike: he grabs his front brake, his rear wheel goes high into the air, and he comes to a stop, balanced in a nose wheelie. He’s like a cute little trained seal doing that. I wish I looked like a cute little trained seal. I’ve got more of a walrus body type, alas.
  • Race in a velodrome: I put this in the list because I’ve got the bike on order and I know for sure I’ll race in a velodrome next season. But it is something I’ve wanted to try now for more than five years. It’s nice to have something on the list I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to check off. Of course, racing well is a whole ‘nuther kettle of fish.
  • Solo a 24 hour event: I’ve done the 24 Hours of Moab as part of a 5-person team, and as part of a 2-person team. I’ve signed up to do it solo, but then bailed out at the last moment. One thing that bugs me about people racing 24 hour events "solo," though, is nobody ever really seems to do it solo. They’ve got all kinds of people taking care of them and their bikes between laps. If I were to race a 24 hour race solo, I’d want to do it truly solo. I ride myself, I feed myself, I take care of my bike myself. When I finished, I would thump my chest and thumb my nose at the sissy-boys with crews.
  • Finish Leadville in under 9 hours: I’ve gone on about this endlessly already; I’m not going start in about it today. Still, it belongs on the list.
  • Ride a unicycle: Let’s be clear: unicycles are ridiculous. But I know for sure my kids would be more impressed with some guy juggling and riding a unicycle than they are with anything I can currently do on the bike. Maybe if I could ride a unicycle I could also do a trackstand.
  • Ride a BMX course: I see kids cornering, jumping, and sprinting like nobody’s business on BMX courses and I can’t help but wish I had ridden BMX when I was a kid. I’d be twice the bike handler I am right now. Too late for that now, but I’d still like to get out on a BMX course and see what it’s like.
  • Do a wheelie drop: All of my friends can wheelie off ledges. I, on the other hand, go down nose-first. It’s not the right way.
  • Ride a wheelie: Sure, I can pop a wheelie. But I can’t ride it down the street. I don’t know whether my kids would think this or riding the unicycle would be cooler.
  • Ride down a flight of stairs: I’ve seen outdoor flights of stairs and thought to myself, "I think I could ride down that." But I never do. Chicken.
  • Develop a smooth pedaling cadence: This is my biggest shame. If I think about it, my cadence is pretty smooth; my upstroke is strong, my dead spot is small (I think). But when I’m just riding along, I’ll often find myself pedaling triangles (nobody pedals squares; don’t believe those who say they do).

So much time on a bike, so little accomplished.

 

Today’s Weight: 166.0

To-Do List

08.30.2005 | 8:44 am

This Special Weekend Best-Of-Fatty Post rescued from my MSN Spaces Archive. Originally posted August 30, 2005.

Bike riding has been a huge part of my life for about ten years now. You’d think that by now, I’d have at least tried everything I want to try.

To my shame, this is not the case. It’s not even close. There are all kinds of things I still haven’t tried, all kinds of skills I have not acquired.

These are the ones I can remember right this second. Some I expect to try, a few I expect to master. Some I will neither try nor master.

  • Trackstand: This one comes first, because it was while I was failing to do a trackstand at a light this morning that the idea for this list came to me. You know, with as much time as I spend on a bike, by now I should be able to balance on it when it’s not moving. But I wobble, jerk back and forth, and within a few seconds have to put a foot down. Someday, I’m just going to spend an afternoon doing nothing but practicing my trackstand. I don’t know if it’ll do any good, but I’m going to do it anyway.
  • Nose wheelie: My friend Rick does the coolest stop on his mountain bike: he grabs his front brake, his rear wheel goes high into the air, and he comes to a stop, balanced in a nose wheelie. He’s like a cute little trained seal doing that. I wish I looked like a cute little trained seal. I’ve got more of a walrus body type, alas.
  • Race in a velodrome: I put this in the list because I’ve got the bike on order and I know for sure I’ll race in a velodrome next season. But it is something I’ve wanted to try now for more than five years. It’s nice to have something on the list I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to check off. Of course, racing well is a whole ‘nuther kettle of fish.
  • Solo a 24 hour event: I’ve done the 24 Hours of Moab as part of a 5-person team, and as part of a 2-person team. I’ve signed up to do it solo, but then bailed out at the last moment. One thing that bugs me about people racing 24 hour events “solo,” though, is nobody ever really seems to do it solo. They’ve got all kinds of people taking care of them and their bikes between laps. If I were to race a 24 hour race solo, I’d want to do it truly solo. I ride myself, I feed myself, I take care of my bike myself. When I finished, I would thump my chest and thumb my nose at the sissy-boys with crews.
  • Finish Leadville in under 9 hours: I’ve gone on about this endlessly already; I’m not going start in about it today. Still, it belongs on the list.
  • Ride a unicycle: Let’s be clear: unicycles are ridiculous. But I know for sure my kids would be more impressed with some guy juggling and riding a unicycle than they are with anything I can currently do on the bike. Maybe if I could ride a unicycle I could also do a trackstand.
  • Ride a BMX course: I see kids cornering, jumping, and sprinting like nobody’s business on BMX courses and I can’t help but wish I had ridden BMX when I was a kid. I’d be twice the bike handler I am right now. Too late for that now, but I’d still like to get out on a BMX course and see what it’s like.
  • Do a wheelie drop: All of my friends can wheelie off ledges. I, on the other hand, go down nose-first. It’s not the right way.
  • Ride a wheelie: Sure, I can pop a wheelie. But I can’t ride it down the street. I don’t know whether my kids would think this or riding the unicycle would be cooler.
  • Ride down a flight of stairs: I’ve seen outdoor flights of stairs and thought to myself, “I think I could ride down that.” But I never do. Chicken.
  • Develop a smooth pedaling cadence: This is my biggest shame. If I think about it, my cadence is pretty smooth; my upstroke is strong, my dead spot is small (I think). But when I’m just riding along, I’ll often find myself pedaling triangles (nobody pedals squares; don’t believe those who say they do).

So much time on a bike, so little accomplished.

Mmmmmm. New Bike Smell.

08.29.2005 | 7:42 pm

At the end of last week, Matt pulled the trigger and bought himself a Specialized Allez Sport Triple.

 

You can’t tell in the photo, but it’s a powder-coated black that gives the bike a very cool stealth bomber look. Tres chic.

I should — I guess — point out that I had a nice little moment of well-deserved embarrassment when the bike shop guy (Scott, co-owner of Pacific Cycles) was going through the Care and Feeding of Your New Bike spiel for Matt. When Scott got to the "Keeping Your Bike Clean" part, he paused and looked meaningfully at me, then said: "If you clean your bike as often as Fatty, you should be punished. Everyone here hates working on Fatty’s bike because it’s always so filthy."

And yeah, he was talking about my road bike — not my mountain bike.

And yeah, it’s always filthy.

And no, I still haven’t cleaned my bike.

Matt and I had a good ride Saturday, though — we rode out to work (Matt’s not just a friend, he’s my manager … at least for two more weeks) and back to see how he’d handle commuting. That’s a 20 mile round trip with big climbs at miles 9 and 18. And Matt rode the whole thing like a champ.

At least, that’s my story until two weeks from now.

 

New Bikes Are Contagious

About the time Matt and I started looking for a bike for him, I started getting the new bike bug, too. A couple weeks ago I was thinking about cyclocross, but it turns out almost all the races are on Sundays, which don’t work for me. And since I have the attention span of a gnat, I was easily able to turn my new bike itch toward the track.

So…today, after work, I’m heading down to Sammamish Valley Cycles to order a Bianchi Pista. That’s about the entry-levelest track bike there is, but then again, I’m about as entry level as a track cyclist can be.

Shiny!

In a couple weeks, my bike will arrive. Then I’ll be out at the Velodrome at the loneliest possible times, learning how to pedal without coasting. I’m so excited, I can’t think straight.

 

Today’s weight: 166.4

 

Bonus: I’ve got a new article in Cyclingnews: My latest fake news piece, "OLN to Broadcast Vuelta a España to US Audience…With a Few Small Changes." I swear, every time they accept a piece from me, I can’t help but wonder: "How long ’til they realize what a complete and utter dork I am?"

Both Sides of the Windshield

08.26.2005 | 10:59 pm

About a month ago, I wrote a little something called "An Open Letter to the Passenger in the Green SUV Who Screamed as He Went By Yesterday." Basically, it was my reaction to some guy who — as a prank — screamed at me from his car as he went by. This post clicked with a lot of riders, and it still gets comments from time to time, most of them from people sharing similar experiences, as well as outrage that someone would do something so dangerous.

Yesterday, though, I got a different kind of comment on that post:

I live in Colorado and every weekend (when the weather is nice) there are cyclists EVERYWHERE!!!! The area I live in has only two-lane roads and NONE of the cyclists are going anywhere near the speed limit much less the speed of traffic. They do not follow the traffic laws, they do not ride near the side of the road, and they do not even move over to the side of the road when there is a line of cars behind them. However, they do weave in and out of cars waiting at stop signals, they do impede the flow of traffic, they do cause drivers to tale unnecessary and sometimes dangerous ‘evasive action’ just to get past them, in short they’re RUDE… I don’t condone any violence or retaliatory action… but please, please FIND A F$%*@ING trail or a bike path and get the hell out of my way.   — Becky, August 25, 9:53 AM

My initial reaction was to completely tear Becky apart, line by line. It would be easy; Becky leaves herself wide open. I mean, calling cyclists "RUDE" right before you say "FIND A F$%*@ING trail or a bike path and get the hell out of my way" is one of the most beautiful examples of irony I have ever seen.

OK, I guess I still intend to bust Becky’s chops a little. But that’s not all I’m going to do. I’m also going to acknowledge that she has some valid points, and try to see both sides of the story. I’m going to do my best to look through both sides of the windshield.

 

What Becky (and Other People in Cars) Needs to Understand About Cyclists

Becky might not be such a strong candidate for anger management counseling if she considered the following:

  • You’ll see things differently if you try riding a bike. Most cyclists have a pretty good idea of what’s going on in drivers’ heads, because most cyclists are drivers sometimes. The reverse isn’t true, however. Becky, your perspective might change a little bit if you got out of your car and onto a bike. You might notice different things about the road. You might perceive speed differently. You might even find that cars break laws and endanger cyclists as often as (or maybe more often than) cyclists break laws and endanger cars.
  • Some people act stupidly, whether in a car or on a bike. The people who do stupid things on bikes — and yes, Becky, I know they’re out there, because I’ve seen them too — also do stupid things when they’re in cars. Or when they’re at work. Or whatever. Some people are just stupid. Don’t go applying the specific to the general, OK, Becky? Saying no cyclist obeys traffic laws because some idiot nearly got himself killed by shooting out in front of you is like me saying all SUVs are populated by teenage homicidal idiots because one tried to startle me into the guardrail. Or like me saying all pickups are populated by homicidal cowboys because a few have tried to swipe me with their side mirrors. Or like me saying that all cars are populated by homicidal drunk idiots because a couple have thrown beer bottles in front of my bike as they go by.
  • Sometimes we have a good reason for being out in the road instead of hugging the side. It’s possible — make that probable — there’s glass or scattered nails on the edge of the road. You can’t see all the crud from your car, but it’s there.
  • Cyclists have a right to be on the road. We have a legal right to be there, and moreover, it’s the right place for us to be from a common sense point of view. If a road cyclist gets on a bike path, he’s a danger to pedestrians and cyclists on cruiser bikes — we’re just going too fast for foot and slow bike traffic. Try to stop thinking of cyclists as being on "your" road. We’re all paying taxes.
  • We are afraid you aren’t looking for us, and that you’ll kill us. My friend dug has been hit twice by people in cars who weren’t looking. I’ve known two cyclists who have been killed by people in cars who weren’t looking. So, some cyclists have adopted the tactic of riding right in the middle of the road, where you can’t miss them. You may be inconvenienced, but you won’t sideswipe and kill someone. Isn’t that nice?
  • We’re not causing you to take "unnecessary and sometimes dangerous evasive action." If it’s unnecessary, it’s optional. You’re doing it because you want to. Guess what: your unnecessary evasive action you’re blaming on the cyclist is really just you being a poor driver. Sorry about that.

What Cyclists Need to Understand about Becky (and Other People in Cars)

I believe every cyclist already knows the following, so this is mostly just a reminder. And I should be clear: I don’t think the below list is true of every driver. In fact, it’s not true of most drivers. But you’ve got to assume it’s true of every driver anyway, because you never know which car is being driven by Becky.

  • People in cars remember every stupid thing they have ever seen a cyclist do, then assume every cyclist does that all the time. Becky here has clearly seen some cyclists do some stupid, illegal things, and now — right or wrong — she’s got it in her head that all cyclists do illegal things all the time. So, those of you doing stupid, illegal things: cut it out. You’re building up road rage in people like Becky, and they aren’t really careful about who they vent their anger at. And I’ll take it one step further: those of us who have friends who take stupid, illegal risks while riding need to tell them to cut it out; they’re souring the automotive world on bikes (That’s big talk for me; I have a couple riding friends who I’d need to lecture; so far I never have).
  • People in cars are bugged when cyclists ride right on the line of the shoulder. And rightly so. I see this all the time when I’m driving — cyclists have a nice wide shoulder, but they ride right on the line. If you can get over, do.
  • People in cars think you’re much wider than you actually are. They think they can’t pass you, even if they can. Signal them forward to let them know they have room.
  • People in cars expect you to adhere to laws much more closely than they do themselves. Cars roll stop signs all the time, but they resent bikes doing it. And they hate seeing bikes worm their way through traffic — it reminds them that they’re just sitting there, and that the $45 they just spent on gasoline is just floating up into the atmosphere, not actually moving them anywhere.
  • People in cars look where they’re used to looking for things they’re used to looking at. Cyclists aren’t where they expect, aren’t what they expect, and aren’t going at a rate they expect. If you haven’t made eye contact, assume you have not been seen. Seriously.
  • People in cars aren’t enjoying the ride like you are. They’re in a hurry. They resent being delayed even for a few seconds. If you can get out of the way and let them pass, do.
  • People in cars convert their worry about being in an accident into anger. Lots of people in cars have had near misses with cyclists. That scares them — most of them don’t want to kill us, after all — and then that fright turns into anger.

OK, I see my attempt to be even-handed about Becky’s post wound up a little bit lopsided. Maybe I should have just said, "Hey, we’ve all got to do our best to get along. You chill out, and I’ll do my best to be safe and legal."

Maybe you’d like to try your hand at replying to Becky yourself.

And Becky: by all means, please join in the conversation.

 

Today’s Weight: 165.0

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