Recently, my friend Rick put up an ad on a local online marketplace to sell his Bianchi EV2 — The "Pantani Special," we all call it. Evidently, Rick’s thinking about an Orbea. As you might expect, the jokers who want to "buy" expensive merchandise using a phony cashier’s check or money order came out of the woodwork.

They shouldn’t have.

Rick’s got a wicked sense of humor. He’s played practical jokes that people involved still talk about ten years later; the dopes sending their form letters never stood a chance.

Here are a few of the e-mail exchanges:

Buyer #1: Doroth Blake Is So Interested in Rick’s Goods

Here’s Doroth Blake’s obviously non-form (ha) letter. You can tell she spent a lot of time making sure Rick believed she was speaking directly to him:

hi,
    am so interested in your goods hope there are in goods condition, please kindly reply me if you are willing to sell for me and my mode of payment is money order .
name……….
address………
country……………..
zipcode/postcode………………
phone number ………………..
fax number………..
willing to here from you to conclude the transaction

I for one don’t see a problem. Do you? I have no idea why Rick sent the following reply:

Hi,

Doroth Blake. Are you sure your name not good Blake Doroth? That making more good cents to me. You are so interested in my goods. This is good. It is good when you are interested in my goods. I can sell my goods to you for a good price of $1,400 and save you good $50–this is equally good. I am so happy to receive good cash from you when you can send me and I can send my goods. Please put a nice wrapper around my good pile of cash and label them "Good Cash for a Good Boy for His Good Bike," and send them to me. 

I am so happy to wait for it,

Good buy

Buyer #2: Mr. Paul Wants a {Bike}

You know, if you’re not even willing to delete the placeholder brackets, your heart’s not really in the scam, is it? Here’s Mr. Paul Crane’s purchase offer:

Greetings to you, My name is Mr Paul, i saw your {Bianchi EV2 Aluminum 2001, 53cm, Record $1450} placed on advert, and it suits what i have been looking for since a very long time,based on the description i have decided to  buy it from you, i’ll also like to know your last asking price and to see the pics also. I am presently not in the country, i am in UK on a business trip,So i will like to ask you if you accept to be payed with  via us Certifier Money Order? If that is accepted by you, kindly mail me back with details:
FULL NAME….
ADDRESS……
PHONE NUMBER#…..
COUNTRY…..
ZIPCODE…..
Best Regard
Mr Paul Crane 

I think we can all take a lesson from the courtesy and poetry Rick shows in his reply.

Great Mr. Crane–we have a deal. I know you have been looking for this bike for a very long time. I know this will be your best bike. In fact, I will reduce the price to $1,350. I will accept payment in cash ($100 dollar bills). I know you will come back to the US from a business trip to the UK. When you come back, you can bring me the cash and I will give you super Bianchi, which is the greatest bike in all the land. I shall be proud Mr. Paul Crane. By the way, I have a friend named Paul and a friend named Crane but neither of these friends has a Bianchi. Therefore, neither of these two will enjoy the sensations of riding the best. You will. The water is cool and warm. It is refreshing and sometimes delicious. A Bianchi can ride and when it will be paid in cash it will fly without boundaries or limitations.

Mr. Woody P. Ecker 

Buyers #3 – 20: What are the Odds?

The world’s a funny place. Almost anything can happen. Rick has received, so far, about 20 of these very similar offers. I, for one, believe they’re all genuine. Rick does, too. But that leaves him with a real stickler. Which of these fabulous offers should he go with? With the wisdom of Solomon, Rick sent the following e-mail to everyone:

Hello Bernard, James, Lyone, Mary, Micky, Mr Crane, and ninos,

You will not believe this. I am surprised because you all have very similar offers for my goods. Below are the emails I received from all of you with the same offer–like I said, I can’t believe my eyes! I can’t believe that you are geographically separated but your emails are so similar! How can this be? I remain surprised! So surprised that you all use Yahoo too. Yahoo is a very good email program and you know it.

As a solution, I have set the price for my goods at $7,432. I am very excited because this amount will enable me to purchase an even better replacement bike and also purchase a five-year supply of tubes, handlebar tape, high-end lubrication, and a neon bike flag. I am surprised and excited. The first person to deliver cash - US Dolla Dolla bills y’all may claim the goods. Cashier Cheque will not claim the goods because I do not have access to a bank that will cash your cashier cheque. So figure out a way to get me $7,432 in US Dollars.

Please work together as a team to determine who will receive my goods. I am surprised and excited to learn which of you will claim my goods.

As a side note, I like all of your signatures very much. I especially like the kind words included by your email providers. My favorite one is from Mary. Mary’s says, Tired of Spam? I know this is a joke because Spam is super delicious and nutritious. I have many friends who eat much Spam. Hey, have you seen the Spam website: www.spam.com. Thanks Mary–perhaps you will get my goods for your clever signature! Perhaps you can bookmark www.spam.com.

Regards,

Rick 

Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby declare: Rick rules.

Today’s weight: 166.0 lbs.

Bonus Claim of Fat Cyclist Fraud: Eric Gunnerson, whose name I sometimes drop when I want people to think I’m smart, has a Fat Cyclist consipacy theory.