Scoop! Lance Armstrong Comes Out of Retirement!
Friends, Family, Sheryl Crow Heave Collective Sigh of Relief
Austin, TX, (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Less than six weeks after winning what was presumably the final race of his career, Lance Armstrong today announced in a hastily-called media conference that he is coming out of retirement.
Said the rumpled, unshaven seven-time Tour de France champion, "Uh, I guess I’ll be racing the Tour de France next year." Then, after pausing for a few seconds while exchanging glances with Sheryl Crow, Armstrong continued, "I’ll also be racing the Giro d’Italia." Another five silent seconds elapsed, after which Armstrong finished, "And the Vuelta Espana."
Armstrong concluded the media conference abruptly by saying, "No questions. I have to go ride my bike now."
Crow Gives the Go-Ahead
Rock star Sheryl Crow, fiance to Armstrong, explained his decision. "He’s racing again because I was going to completely lose my mind if he didn’t get out of the house and do something. I swear, if he isn’t at Home Depot buying new power tools or downstairs playing Halo — I haven’t yet told him Halo 2 has come out — he’s catching up on seven years’ worth of television. Yesterday, he watched the entire second season of 24. You know how long that took? All day and night."
Crow took a deep breath and continued, "Back when he was preparing for the Tour, Lance and I used to talk about how great it would be when he was retired and he’d have time to do nothing but relax. I had no idea he meant that so literally."
At this moment, Crow stopped and took three deep breaths before continuing, "So, yeah, he’s going to start racing again."
But Wait! There’s More!
Click here to read the entirety of this satire piece at Cyclingnews.com.
Comment by Unknown | 08.24.2005 | 2:38 pm
LOL.. very nice!
Comment by Unknown | 08.24.2005 | 2:48 pm
hey, what does The Big Mistake (aka errorista) have to say about this? seems like you’re saying parenting is hard or some other less than saintly, oh i’m so in love with my beautiful child thing. maybe lance should have stopped at one. sounds like he’s worked. maybe he could use a good counselor. does he have The Big Mistake’s number?by the way, this is my favorite fake news story so far. okay, it’s my only favorite fake news story. but i liked it.
Comment by martha | 08.24.2005 | 2:55 pm
I’m giggling and snorting at work! this really cracked me up!but I have a question for you, and I am at work, so right now, I can’t read all your archives to see if you answered this yet (I will later! just not on my boss’ time!) You are 5′7", and down to 166-ish. How light are you planning to get? I’m the same height (but all girl) and my goal weight is 150-ish. It just seems like 166 for a man is pretty much there, already, no?thanks, and you have a lovely day!
Comment by kris | 08.24.2005 | 3:18 pm
"have you ever been forced to watch ‘Dora the Explorer’"Every…..single……day. Lacking mountains like we are here, it’s the best training for the Columbine Mine climb. How do you survive with twins anyway? My three year old girl about kills me off by herself. Emotional meltdowns time two. Incessant whining times two. There’s nothing I love more than my two girls, but how do you not walk around with a thousand yard stare? Great story, by the way.
Comment by Ariane | 08.24.2005 | 4:30 pm
In other news, upon hearing this, Al Trautwig promptly went into a delirious state of utter euphoric madness, soiled himself, and had to be removed from OLN studios for his own safety.
Comment by Unknown | 08.24.2005 | 7:27 pm
About a dozen of us fat middle age "cyclists" are heading up to Wichita Falls on Friday for the Hotter N Hell 100 and aren’t too happy to know that Lance Armstrong can come out of retirement without training, get on his bike and ride twice as fast (without illegal endurance drugs) as we can with 4 months of training (sorta), and not have to visit the medical tent. Could you fake story retire him again after this weekend? By the way, at 6′ and 210 lbs, I have noticed that the laydown bars on my bike serve no useful purpose since I must stop breathing when I use them…….should I take them off? Raise the handlebars another 10 inches? or buy a recumbent? Losing weight takes too much effort!Scott
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.24.2005 | 7:51 pm
sks – don’t remove the drops. that’s like putting on a triple up front: an admission of defeat. if you ever manage to get back into the drops, imagine the intense feeling of satisfaction.a. toad – evidently, you read an early draft of my fake news piece. except you made the joke work. i just couldn’t make the oln angle fit.kj – if there’s a place you want to go, i’m the one you need to know, i’m the map. i’m the map, i’m the map. if there’s a place you want to get, i can get you there i bet, i’m the map. (sound of fat cyclist pounding head against desk)dug – as a father of 4, i harbor none of my sister’s 1-child idealism. by the way, you are a churl, but you’re also devastatingly handsome.sasha – when people type "lol," are they really laughing out loud? i’m still trying to get a handle on whether that means, "hey that’s pretty funny" or "i am genuinely laughing out loud."
Comment by Jodi | 08.24.2005 | 8:56 pm
NQLOLBSTS, fc!!! (not-quite-laughing-out-loud-but-still-smiling, fat cyclist). Ah, sweet sad Dug. Er, uh…sweet sad d-wit-a-little-d dug. Doncha worry little buck-a-roo. Lance has hoards of nannies to help with the domestic-ities. He has no use for the likes of me. However, I’m wondering why in a paragraph with no other capitalization, i get a BIG T,B, and M in my name. In fact, I got a whole new name. You like me. You must really really like me.p.s. tell the mother of your children I said child birth was easy, too.
Comment by studentatatu | 08.24.2005 | 9:12 pm
You’re a brave man!! I just couldn’t put myself out there like that. I bought a bike last year, and haven’t rode it but two times. I can’t get motivated!! I am fourty pounds over weight, the self confidence left about thirty pounds ago. You go man!!!
Comment by NICOLE | 08.24.2005 | 9:58 pm
Lance those of us who are your true fans know that you have never used anything illegal to help you win. Lance…..let those nuts in Europe say what they want, thier all jelous of you. You don’t need to prove anything to the true fan. Retire and enjoy life. You’ve got great children and a nice signifigiant other to enjoy life with these days. Win the true tour "life"!Don’t let those European idiots make you come out of retirement. That’s what they want!
Comment by J | 08.24.2005 | 10:29 pm
Yo man your fake story rocks, I actually thought it was real but wacked. I recently started to bike ( went one day got chased by 3 pitbulls and had to spent for what seemed a mile, actually it was about 2 blocks) but I am havining trouble with the motivation thing ( not to mention I’d like to keep my body in one peice and don’t want to be dog chow)> So can you ofer up some advice I’m 42 year old male 5′ 5" and weight 194lb about 30% body fat. Oh I might mention my endurace is really low and there’s the Asthma( exercise enduced). It was my first day reading your Blog ( actually, I had to ask my teenage nephew what a blog was) so if I broke some edict excuse me please.
Comment by Unknown | 08.24.2005 | 11:19 pm
Another fat middle-aged cyclist here… 6′2" 275 (down from close to 300). I ride 17 miles a day commuting, then another 20 to 50 on the weekends (actually 0 to 50 LOL). Just started commuting two weeks ago, only recently got up to the whole 8.5 mile one-way journey without stopping (there be hills here! ‘Tweren’t no hills in Florida!).You’re my hero, dude. Pedal on!-Dennis Philadelphia
Comment by Stephen | 08.24.2005 | 11:26 pm
Wicked good story theah, pally! You sure you’re not moonlighting as a writer for The Onion? I just noticed your blog, thanks to MSN, and I had to bookmark it. I’ve been quite the fatty myself as of late and decided get into mountain biking in order to work off the pounds before my wedding. So I picked up a Kona about a month ago, rode religously for two weeks, then went on my honeymoon. Missed the bike, but I’m looking forward to hurtling down the utility trail out back of Redhook this evening for the first time in a couple of weeks. I’m a stone-cold beginner, but I’m loving it and am looking forward to Tiger Mountain and some other stuff. Great blog and I’ll be checking it often. You got me pumped up again! I’ll keep my eyes open for wags in green SUVs…
Comment by Stephen | 08.24.2005 | 11:26 pm
Wicked good story theah, pally! You sure you’re not moonlighting as a writer for The Onion? I just noticed your blog, thanks to MSN, and I had to bookmark it. I’ve been quite the fatty myself as of late and decided get into mountain biking in order to work off the pounds before my wedding. So I picked up a Kona about a month ago, rode religously for two weeks, then went on my honeymoon. Missed the bike, but I’m looking forward to hurtling down the utility trail out back of Redhook this evening for the first time in a couple of weeks. I’m a stone-cold beginner, but I’m loving it and am looking forward to Tiger Mountain and some other stuff. Great blog and I’ll be checking it often. You got me pumped up again! I’ll keep my eyes open for wags in green SUVs…
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 08.24.2005 | 11:45 pm
folgerjr – thank you for the best post ever.tammy – i’m more insecure than you. i just hide my insecurity behind a massive wall of bluster. ironman – different things work for different people, but i’d say try to identify one major bad habit and eliminate that. for me, it was grazing on chips, dip, cereal, etc late into the night. get rid of one bad habit and you’ll lose weight. not all of it, but it’ll be a good start. tubbs, nice work on commuting. the commute’s where i get 80% of my riding in. you’ll find yourself taking the long way to work soon.tubbs – tiger mtn. rocks. end the honeymoon early and go ride. your wife won’t mind.errorista – you know, you can push dug only so far, and then…SNAP! people are going to get hurt, i tell you.
Comment by James | 08.25.2005 | 1:15 am
My neighbor and I agree that this is the Best FCNS Wire Story Ever.
Comment by Bonnie | 08.25.2005 | 1:36 am
Awesome story! You should be a tabloid journalist! Far more interesting then the steroid scandal that has currently hit the proverbial fan!Bonnie
Comment by Bonnie | 08.25.2005 | 1:36 am
Awesome story! You should be a tabloid journalist! Far more interesting then the steroid scandal that has currently hit the proverbial fan!Bonnie
Comment by Tyson | 08.25.2005 | 3:45 am
Hardest I’ve laughed in days. Thank-you!
Comment by kris | 08.25.2005 | 11:21 am
Backpack, backpack……..backpack, backpack…YEAH!!!
Comment by Michael | 08.25.2005 | 11:51 am
Nice one Eldon…
Comment by Unknown | 09.6.2005 | 7:09 pm
Truth is stranger than satire…http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/4844624
Comment by Chris | 09.6.2005 | 9:20 pm
Taz beat me to it but this is not so funny anymore. Lance is seriously considering a return just to piss off the French media… go Lance!Chris