The Best Cake in the World
This Best of Fat Cyclist post — rescued from my MSN Spaces Fat Cyclist archive — originally published September 15, 2005.
It occurs to me that I have been spending far, far too much time in this blog on the "Cyclist" part of "Fat Cyclist." So, today, I’d like to present what has been determined by Renowned Scientists and Certified Dessert Experts around the globe as the Best Cake in the World.
It is a Chocolate-Chip-Oatmeal cake. It is not a fluffy, airy cake that collapses away to oxygen and a whiff of chocolate when you put it in your mouth. No. It is a substantial cake, something you could make a meal of. The oatmeal keeps it dense and moist, and the chocolate keeps it chocolatey.
Do not put frosting on this cake. Frosting is what most cakes need to hide the fact that they are dry, over-airy, and flavorless.
I promise you, if you make this cake, you eat will three pieces before nightfall. You will gain three pounds before dawn. And you will look for reasons to make this cake again soon. You will make this cake whenever you are asked to bring a dessert over to a picnic, and you will be invited to an increasing number of picnics when people learn that you will bring this cake.
Your enemies will approach you to resolve your differences, just so they can have some of this cake.
I will, by coincidence, be making this cake later this afternoon for my wife, for it is her birthday. I will also give her an iPod, onto which I will copy our entire library of music — importing this library into iTunes has been a tedious labor, and ordinarily my wife would appreciate the work that has gone into it. But when she sees that I have made this cake, I expect she will toss the iPod — now forgotten — into a box and will throw her arms around me, grateful that I have gone to the effort of making her The Best Cake in the World.
I only hope that I have not undersold this cake.
Recipe for the Best Cake in the World
Ingredients
- 1 3/4 cup boiling water — do not put your fingers in this water, for it is hot!
- 1 cup oatmeal — regular oatmeal, not instant, you cretin.
- 1 c. brown sugar — how come it tastes so good?
- 1 c. white sugar — I have no clever comment to add to this ingredient, unless you consider this comment clever.
- 1 stick butter — No, don’t use margarine. Use butter. Margarine is gross.
- 1 tsp baking soda — I tried brushing my teeth with baking soda. Once.
- 1/2 tsp salt — Or go crazy and put in a whole teaspoonful.
- 1 3/4 cup flour — Warning: flour may contain wheat products.
- 2 eggs — From a chicken; ostrich eggs are too big, and taste nasty.
- 1 pkg milk chocolate chips, or semi-sweet if you think you are too good for regular milk chocolate chips.
Instructions
Pour the boiling water over the oatmeal and stir. It’s best if the aforementioned pouring of boiling water over said oatmeal occurs in a bowl. Stir and let set for 10 minutes. Put the butter in about 5 minutes into this ten minutes, so it can melt.
Meanwhile…
Stir together in a different bowl:
- Flour
- Baking soda
- Salt
Once the 10 minutes has elapsed…
Stir the brown sugar and white sugar into the oatmeal mixture.
Beat the eggs in a separate bowl, then stir the eggs into the oatmeal mixture.
Mix the flour mixture into the oatmeal mixture. You should now have one mixture. If you have more than one mixture, you need to reevaluate some life choices you made in your childhood.
Stir half the chocolate chips into this mixture. Do not snitch more than 5% of the chocolate chips as you do this.
Grease and flour (or, in my house, just spray with Pam) a 9 x 13 pan. Note that this is an update. Originally I said that "you should use a 9 x 9 pan. Or an 8 x 10 pan. Or a 40 x 2 pan. Something that comes out to about 80 square inches." I was guessing. I was wrong. I regret the error. I have other regrets as well, but another time, another time.
Pour the cake batter in, then sprinkle the other half of the bag of chocolate chips on top.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes, or until the center of the cake is not a gooey mess. Let cool at least a little bit or the molten chocolate will burn the living daylights out of the roof of your mouth.
Serve warm, or at room temperature if you must. With vanilla ice cream if at all possible.
Eat.
Rejoice.
Comment by scank | 02.17.2008 | 11:47 am
Sounds yummy, I shall start baking asap.
Comment by Not a cyclist..... | 02.17.2008 | 11:58 am
ooooohhhhhh!! That sounds sooooo yummy!! I may just have to blow my diet and make this. But wait! It contains oatmeal, and that’s good for you, right? It takes cholesterol out of your body, so it counteracts the bad effects of the butter. Plus, chocolate contains heart healthy stuff, and that negates the empty calories in the sugar. So, with all the good stuff canceling out the bad, this cake is in essence nutritionally inert. Plus, if eaten standing up, the calories don’t count (Women’s Official Rules of Dieting, 1977.)
Comment by Tomas | 02.17.2008 | 1:06 pm
Hey, if it is the WORLDS best cake you need to be able to make it anywhere, so what exactly is 1 stick of butter & 1 pkg of chocolate chips in readily convertable units?
Comment by Barbara | 02.17.2008 | 1:21 pm
But seriously, Fatty – I know what a stick of butter is (4 oz, 1/2 C), but chocolate chips come in 6 and 12-oz bags.
Comment by fatty | 02.17.2008 | 1:32 pm
barbara – i’d go with the 12-oz bag, cuz that would be chocolaty-er.
tomas – 1 stick of buter = 0.287 kilometers; 1 bag of chocolate chips = 1 metric tonne.
Comment by hobgoblin | 02.17.2008 | 1:54 pm
This does sound mighty delicious. But best? Really? Have you tried Nigella’s Chocolate Guinness Cake? With cream cheese frosting so your cake looks like a big fat glass of Guinness with a foamy white cream cheese head? (Because this is a moist, delicious cake that does not need frosting to hide anything but its moist deliciousness.)
By the way, those 40×2 pans are real hard to fit in the oven.
Comment by Wheels | 02.17.2008 | 2:09 pm
I can almost feel the three pounds of chocolatiness making it’s way to my thighs just reading the recipe again. I better get back to reading about grapefruit and muesli.
Comment by Don (cyclingphun.blogspot.com) | 02.17.2008 | 4:44 pm
I have to out myself here and say the I HAVE baked this cake, and whoa is it good! Fatty is right, Barbara, The big one. You can never have too many chocolate chips, well, unless you did in fact use a metric ton of them, but there’s a whole different story there. Another thing I’ll throw out… don’t try to substitute steel cut oats for rolled, it just doesnt work. Finally, make it on a day when you have nothing to do but eat cake and regret that you made it. You will, again in fact, eat the entire thing in a 12 hour period if by yourself. Five minutes with two or more people.
Comment by Madisonian | 02.17.2008 | 7:37 pm
This looks like something I’ll have to get my roommate to help me make, she’s a food science major, and loves sweets to boot!
Comment by Philly Jen | 02.17.2008 | 7:43 pm
Yay! Cake!
(The only thing I don’t understand is why this wasn’t the very first post you brought over from the archives. It is certainly one of the weightiest…)
Comment by Frank | 02.17.2008 | 7:52 pm
Is this a heart healthy cake?
Comment by KeepYerBag | 02.17.2008 | 8:09 pm
It’s healthy for your heart the same way coal dust is healthy for your lungs.
Comment by Dawn | 02.17.2008 | 8:26 pm
I didn’t think anybody else knew about this cake. My mom has been making this cake for me on my birthday for as long as I can remember because I hate frosting.
This is the best cake ever. Because it has oatmeal in it, you can eat it for breakfast and feel good about it.
Comment by Rocky | 02.17.2008 | 9:46 pm
yum. cake….
Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.18.2008 | 2:39 am
Ever tried the Chocolate Cake made with Hellmann’s Mayonnaise??? Surprisingly GREAT!!!!
Comment by Born 4Lycra 43 11 N 2 32 W | 02.18.2008 | 4:31 am
We’ve got a new banner – what’s the story?
Comment by Susan (another one) | 02.18.2008 | 6:21 am
That would be me
Comment by Kellene | 02.18.2008 | 7:51 am
This is really the most amazing cake. I have made it many,many times. It is the best when you eat it for breakfast the next day. Yum…oatmeal! Don’t forget the dairy food group….ice cream with it is a must!
Comment by Beth | 02.18.2008 | 7:58 am
Somehow I don’t think this is good for your total cholesterol, Elden! But darn, it does sound good!
Comment by Susan (another one) | 02.18.2008 | 8:22 am
I must make this cake. I love ma chocolate.
Comment by Wild Dingo | 02.18.2008 | 9:16 am
FINALLY! For 39 years I’ve been wondering why my two favorite snacks haven’t been combined. I mean, why in the world would anyone put RAISINS with oatmeal? I just don’t get that. I searched high and low for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and never found one. This is even better.
Comment by mom2bjm | 02.18.2008 | 10:28 am
If it is in fact your fabulous wife’s birthday on the 17th – I? must be her birthday twin, because it is mine too! I’m sure she is younger and much more beautiful than me, and stronger too, with all that she is going thru! Happy Birthday to your Susan!
Comment by blinddrew | 02.18.2008 | 10:39 am
Thank you Thomas, Barbara and Fatty for asking and answering my questions before i had time to.
Great blog!
Comment by Dutch Girlie On a Bike | 02.18.2008 | 11:08 am
OMG DROOL! This sounds awesome!!! I’ll wait until DH is gone for a weekend then I can have it ALL TO MYSELF BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
No I wouldn’t really do that.
Comment by Big Boned | 02.18.2008 | 11:35 am
Fatty,
It appears that with this recipe you are trying to sabotage the weight-loss efforts of cyclists around the world. I guess that is one way of making sure the need for Fat Cyclist merchandise never abates. You are a devious one.
I’m not falling for your tricks. I’ve gotten my first two centuries of the year in the last two weekends. Today it was a glorious 60 degrees in Washington, DC. I even saw a robin – could it be spring?
BB
Comment by KT | 02.18.2008 | 12:50 pm
Silly rabbit, he wrote it originally Sept 15 2005.
That makes Susan’s birthday Sept 16.
See, even with a head cold, I’m good with numbers. Weird!
I loves me some chocolate and oatmeal and this has them both mixed together, so it must be the world’s perfect food. :)
Comment by Born4Lycra | 02.18.2008 | 1:43 pm
Nice to see you Susan (Another one) – looks like you were having fun.
Comment by KanyonKris | 02.18.2008 | 2:32 pm
I just noticed the new banner image – who’s the star?
KILLER DEAL ALERT:
Tour of California 1/2 off deal on Rock Racing jerseys! That means they’re a bargain at only $300!!!
(For those who don’t get the joke, the primary sponsor of Rock Racing is Rock & Republic, a “high end” clothier who sells jeans for over $200.)
Comment by barry1021 | 02.18.2008 | 2:50 pm
Thanks a bunch fatty
I read the ingredients and gained a pound and a half. You might want to add Lipitor to the ingredients.
b21
Comment by Susan (Another one) | 02.18.2008 | 3:39 pm
Thanks B4L. I was yelling at the photographer. That can be fun.
Kris, it’s me.
Comment by KanyonKris | 02.18.2008 | 7:03 pm
Susan (Another one): How did I miss you earlier comment – doh! Good photo!
Comment by Big Boned | 02.18.2008 | 7:24 pm
KT,
He might have originally wrote it in 2005, but he chose right now to repost it…Saboteurs are tricky devils…
BB
Comment by wing-nut | 02.19.2008 | 5:31 am
Brown sugar, butter and chocolate. 3 of the 4 mjor food groups. Bacon won’t work in this cake, but I wouldn’t pass up a couple stips on the side at breakfast.
Caffiene doesn’t qualify as a food group–it is a condiment to be added liberally to suit taste.
Comment by Katherine | 02.19.2008 | 7:55 pm
Mmm! This sounds very similar to a favorite picnic cake that I make.
The only difference being I soak date pieces instead of oatmeal, and sprinkle brown sugar as well as a few walnuts on top along with the chocolate chips.
Comment by Rachel | 02.19.2008 | 8:19 pm
I want to see a picture of this cake. Or does it get consumed too quickly? It sounds so delicious!
Comment by cloud19th | 02.20.2008 | 1:42 pm
mmm, this would be good with dried cranberries too. Or walnuts.
I bet it’d be neat with butterscotch chips instead of chocolate (but not on top, because there *is* such a thing as butterscotch overkill)… or, continuing my theme of bastardizing your recipe the way I bastardize oatmeal cookies, substitute the chocolate for chopped dried apricots and add some orange oil.
Comment by Mamatoo | 02.20.2008 | 3:24 pm
My thighs now hate you, but at least they had issues before I ate the cake. Thanks for the recipe! Now off to the treadmill…
Comment by nosferaustin | 02.20.2008 | 6:32 pm
It’s in the oven as I type…about 30 more minutes to go.
This is going to be good.
Comment by reagan | 02.20.2008 | 7:10 pm
Wow that cake sounds really good! Thanks for being so diverse as to break away from cycling to share it:)
Comment by Steph | 03.3.2008 | 7:58 am
I’ve made this cake twice since you posted. The first time my husband and I ate the entire thing in 3 days. For dinner, lunch, brunch, snack, dinner, dessert over the course of a weekend.
I made it again the following Thursday to bring to work on Friday.
This is “Damn you” good cake!
Comment by jk | 07.23.2008 | 1:13 pm
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Comment by Myra Franks | 11.12.2008 | 2:56 pm
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Comment by Greg | 12.13.2009 | 12:30 am
I’m def. going to try this cake. Sounds easy and that is what I like, easy, BTW. This has to be one of the most hilarious recipes I’ve ever read. I’m not sure who wrote this, but, I def. love your sense of humor.
Comment by patricia storey | 06.9.2010 | 12:13 pm
very good indeed,
Comment by Jenn | 09.15.2010 | 12:40 am
A cake without frosting? BLASPHEMER!!!!!!!!! Though, I’ll confess I’m willing to give it a try, in the name of scientific research toward the goal of knowing the world’s best cake. I’m selfless like that.
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[...] Charge them each $10, and promise them snacks. Like, for example, you might promise them brats. Or the Best Cake in the World. [...]