The Best Cake in the World
It occurs to me that I have been spending far, far too much time in this blog on the "Cyclist" part of "Fat Cyclist." So, today, I’d like to present what has been determined by Renowned Scientists and Certified Dessert Experts around the globe as the Best Cake in the World.
It is a Chocolate-Chip-Oatmeal cake. It is not a fluffy, airy cake that collapses away to oxygen and a whiff of chocolate when you put it in your mouth. No. It is a substantial cake, something you could make a meal of. The oatmeal keeps it dense and moist, and the chocolate keeps it chocolatey.
Do not put frosting on this cake. Frosting is what most cakes need to hide the fact that they are dry, over-airy, and flavorless.
I promise you, if you make this cake, you eat will three pieces before nightfall. You will gain three pounds before dawn. And you will look for reasons to make this cake again soon. You will make this cake whenever you are asked to bring a dessert over to a picnic, and you will be invited to an increasing number of picnics when people learn that you will bring this cake.
Your enemies will approach you to resolve your differences, just so they can have some of this cake.
I will, by coincidence, be making this cake later this afternoon for my wife, for it is her birthday. I will also give her an iPod, onto which I will copy our entire library of music — importing this library into iTunes has been a tedious labor, and ordinarily my wife would appreciate the work that has gone into it. But when she sees that I have made this cake, I expect she will toss the iPod — now forgotten — into a box and will throw her arms around me, grateful that I have gone to the effort of making her The Best Cake in the World.
I only hope that I have not undersold this cake.
Recipe for the Best Cake in the World
(note: I made mistakes when I originally typed this. These mistakes are now fixed. I am a fool, and apologize for any botched desserts I have caused.)
Ingredients
1 3/4 cup boiling water — do not put your fingers in this water, for it is hot!
1 cup oatmeal — regular oatmeal, not instant, you cretin.
1 c. brown sugar — how come it tastes so good?
1 c. white sugar — I have no clever comment to add to this ingredient, unless you consider this comment clever.
1 stick butter — No, don’t use margarine. Use butter. Margarine is gross.
1 tsp baking soda — I tried brushing my teeth with baking soda. Once.
1/2 tsp salt — Or go crazy and put in a whole teaspoonful.
1 3/4 cup flour — Warning: flour may contain wheat products.
2 eggs — From a chicken; ostrich eggs are too big, and taste nasty.
1 pkg milk chocolate chips, or semi-sweet if you think you are too good for regular milk chocolate chips.
Instructions
Pour the boiling water over the oatmeal and stir. It’s best if the aforementioned pouring of boiling water over said oatmeal occurs in a bowl. Stir and let set for 10 minutes. Put the butter in about 5 minutes into this ten minutes, so it can melt.
Meanwhile…
Stir together in a different bowl:
- Flour
- Baking soda
- Salt
Once the 10 minutes has elapsed…
Stir the brown sugar and white sugar into the oatmeal mixture.
Beat the eggs in a separate bowl, then stir the eggs into the oatmeal mixture.
Mix the flour mixture into the oatmeal mixture. You should now have one mixture. If you have more than one mixture, you need to reevaluate some life choices you made in your childhood.
Stir half the chocolate chips into this mixture. Do not snitch more than 5% of the chocolate chips as you do this.
Grease and flour (or, in my house, just spray with Pam) a 9 x 13 pan. Note that this is an update. Originally I said that "you should use a 9 x 9 pan. Or an 8 x 10 pan. Or a 40 x 2 pan. Something that comes out to about 80 square inches." I was guessing. I was wrong. I regret the error. I have other regrets as well, but another time, another time.
Pour the cake batter in, then sprinkle the other half of the bag of chocolate chips on top.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes, or until the center of the cake is not a gooey mess. Let cool at least a little bit or the molten chocolate will burn the living daylights out of the roof of your mouth.
Serve warm, or at room temperature if you must. With vanilla ice cream if at all possible.
Eat.
Rejoice.
Today’s weight: 163.0 lbs. I’m treating this as this week’s Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes weigh-in, just a day early. I’m absolutely not going to not eat cake and ice cream with my family tonight.
Comment by kris | 09.15.2005 | 8:16 pm
This cake would put me in a glass case of emotion.
Comment by Unknown | 09.15.2005 | 8:47 pm
Not much into chocolate, but I’m intrigued by this… Much thanks!
Comment by Unknown | 09.15.2005 | 9:03 pm
i drooled on my keyboard….. and now find myself making unnecessary excuses to go to the grocery store.sigh
Comment by Daniel | 09.15.2005 | 10:02 pm
Drool. Must make this cake.For those of us such as myself wot live in enlightened metric parts of the world, could you please quantify a ’stick’ of butter? Is it 50 grams? 500 grams? A tonne? One of those ‘pound’ things that you Merkins so quaintly refer to?And what size package of chocolate chips do you use?Ta muchly, oh Bloated Bicycling One. My children shall rejoice and eat of the cake while praising your name, yea, verily.
Comment by agreenmouther | 09.15.2005 | 10:06 pm
Yeah you won’t eat any cake. Because you’re stomach will ache from licking the bowl. Despite your total neglect of La Vuelta (OLN bashing does not count), I still enjoy your blog. Keep the biting wit coming.
Comment by Unknown | 09.15.2005 | 10:12 pm
Tis true…this IS the best cake ever & I am the originator of this once secret family recipie! We make it for every occasion. In fact I am whipping one up today for our 16 year old’s birthday!Actually the best time to eat it is for breakfast the next morning…does have nutritional value too…oatmeal and eggs.If you really knew how the fat cyclist eats his cake you would be ashamed…blended in a blender with lots of icecream and milk! The ultimate.Indulge and enjoy.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.15.2005 | 10:24 pm
kellene – yep, i should’ve given credit where credit’s due. hear ye, hear ye, this is kellene’s (yeah, kellene’s the cliff-diving sister) recipe. although i should clarify that i do not recommend making this cake into a cake shake. the chocolate chips don’t lend themselves to being blended. besides, this cake stands on its own — it doesn’t need to be propped up with gimmickry like making a milkshake out of it.dan – this stick of butter i’m thoughtfully snacking on right now says it’s 113 grams. a bag of chocolate chips says it’s 326 grams. i’m not sure what what the metric equivalent of boiling is. ccm – actually, tonight i’m writing up a little something about the vuelta for cyclingnews. oddly enough, it’s a piece about why i have neglected the vuelta. oh, wait, i just remembered, it’s my wife’s birthday. i’ll write that cyclingnews story tomorrow night then.
Comment by Daniel | 09.15.2005 | 10:35 pm
Excellent, thank you.I’m going to make The Cake tonight.You snack on *butter*?
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.15.2005 | 10:42 pm
dan – only when i run out of pure lard.
Comment by Daniel | 09.15.2005 | 10:58 pm
Mmmm. Laaaaaard.
Comment by Ariane | 09.15.2005 | 11:04 pm
It’s just the custom here. Today I had a jar of mayo for lunch, washed down with an ice-cold glass of ranch dressing. Of course, being vegitarian, the mayo was tofu mayo. And I don’t eat lard; I prefer Crisco.
Comment by Ariane | 09.15.2005 | 11:14 pm
Misspelling "vegetarian" was intentional. I’m such a rebel.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.15.2005 | 11:37 pm
NOTE TO EVERYONE: Today’s post is updated with some corrections to the recipe i originally typed. part of me thinks it’s hilarious that i gave bad directions for the best cake in the world. part of me wants to hide under the desk. i guess the two parts aren’t mutually exclusive.
Comment by pete | 09.15.2005 | 11:56 pm
DAMN! Dan beat me to it. Over here, sticks come from trees and they definitely aren’t slidy like butter.Anyway, keep meaning to comment, but the time difference throws it all out.By the way, A. Toad would throw a syntax error because of the space… Do I win a pedant’s prize?Cheers, Pete
Comment by Unknown | 09.16.2005 | 1:06 am
You have absolutely outdone yourself! I was going to argue with you and say that Ugly Cake is the best cake in the world, but your sister has taken Ugly Cake to new heights with the addition of chocolate and I, for one, can’t wait to try this recipe. I applaud her genius. Please give her my fondest congratulations for a culinary triumph and also fondest gongratulations for your wife on her birthday and for you for making her this cake!You are TRULY the Fat Cyclist!But can you ACTUALLY forego cake and ice cream with your family on your wife’s BIRTHDAY and get away with it?We do put a topping on Ugly Cake, by the way… it consists of coconut, brown sugar, a couple of Tbsp. of milk and shaved almonds and then it is lightly broiled. Imagine your cake with this topping!
Comment by EricGu | 09.16.2005 | 1:09 am
One feels compelled to ask.If one has substituted baking soda as a dentifrice, has one also substituted toothpaste as a leavening agent?Oh, and don’t double the salt. Salt is much more than a flavor enhancer in baking, and doubling the amount will leave your cake battered, for it will have been assaulted.
Comment by Christina | 09.16.2005 | 1:26 am
I love cake. Thanks,The Beast Mom
Comment by Daniel | 09.16.2005 | 1:43 am
Aha! The Fat Cyclist, in *red lettering*, no less, now admits to being a ‘fool’; by definition 7 at dictionary.reference.com:"A dessert made of stewed or puréed fruit mixed with cream or custard and served cold."It’s a pudding sort of day, today.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.16.2005 | 2:30 am
glad to see you check in, dan. i was worried you had gone with the recipe as i had originally transcribed it. if you had, you would have got the cake i got — a chocolatey, oatmealish brick. had to toss it, make a phone call, make a new cake, and make revisions to the original blog entry, while hoping against hope nobody had printed and baked according to my original instructions. my transcription skills, evidently, are at the miserable end of poor.
Comment by Daniel | 09.16.2005 | 4:32 am
No worries, Fatty. It’s 4:30pm on Friday here, and I’m still at the office; my attempt at your familial culinary masterpiece will not begin for some hours yet.
Comment by TCP | 09.16.2005 | 5:23 am
What the hell is a stick of butter?
Comment by kris | 09.16.2005 | 1:51 pm
My supposedly witty ‘Anchorman’ related comment was pushed into oblivion when you altered your post. Where do I file a protest?
Comment by Fat | 09.16.2005 | 2:02 pm
I think I might give this recipe a try this weekend. Thanks for sharing it! Have a great weekend!~ Fat Chick
Comment by Unknown | 09.16.2005 | 3:16 pm
Fatty–it looks like the family has (no pun intended even though it ends up in one or two of sorts) weighed in heavily on the cake issue. Now I know where my wife is in the early mornings…blogging in the Pacific Northwest. A worthy substitute for those not wanting to go to the trouble of confectionary creativity would be to knosh a block of cheese (for Dan, the size sensitive one, that would be a large block of cheese) or mainlining sour cream–the two pint bucket o’ cream. The effect, albeit not the flavor, is the same.
Comment by Unknown | 09.16.2005 | 6:33 pm
It’s my birthday too! Wonder if I could get my husband to make this for me. I just recently taught him how to "make" scrambled eggs, so I think anything with more than two ingredients would be out of the question. Thanks for the recipe and helping keep the rest of us fat too!
Comment by Unknown | 09.16.2005 | 7:50 pm
If you ate all the Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cake in the evening, may I suggest my contribution to world cuisine for breakfast?Chocolate Chip Oatmeal:Cook 1 cup oatmeal as directed. I prefer steel cut oats, but suit yourself. Remove from heat and add 1/3 bag Ghirardell semi-sweet chocolate chips, or 3-4 oz. other dark chocolate, because you ARE too good for milk chocolate. Stir to combine.Serves one.Where can you get good lard in Seattle, anyway?
Comment by Unknown | 09.16.2005 | 7:57 pm
Hey Fatty, did you make your weigh-in goal this week? If not, please put my name in the hat!Cool idea with the recipe!
Comment by tayfuryagci | 09.17.2005 | 8:27 pm
are softies allowed to have macs apple products, ipods n stuff?
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 09.17.2005 | 9:04 pm
tayfuryagci – ‘course we can buy competitor’s products. strangely, however, ’softies are absolutely forbidden from eating boiled mangos. go figure.
Comment by Christina | 09.19.2005 | 3:54 pm
I made this cake over the weekend and everyone loved it. The whole 9×13 pan is now gone. We had a little help eating it from 5 other people. Just an FYI on chocolate chips: I bought these really delicious chocolate chips at Bartell Drugs of all places. "Giruad’s" or something like that. Great cookie recipe on the back of the bag–perfect softness/chewiness. -Beast Mom
Comment by Valerie | 09.20.2005 | 1:42 am
for Eric: *GROAN*For the fat man: You are the greatest. I cannot wait to get my hands on some oatmeal and make this cake!
Comment by Bill | 09.22.2005 | 4:46 am
I nnnever cook but had to try these. I used chocolate/carmel chips and my twelve year old daughter asked when the cake was half gone if I would bake another one when we finished the first cake. Sad to say I’m looking at other recipes to. This cooking bug could be the down fall of my weight control.bye,Future Fatty
Comment by Zed | 09.23.2005 | 4:57 pm
Brief question about your cleverly written cake entry: Have you ever read a Billy Collins’ poem entitled "Japan"? Your entry is oddly reminiscent of it. Do you spend much time writing haiku? Two questions. My bad.
Comment by Mehmet | 11.2.2005 | 1:07 am
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Comment by Stephanie | 03.1.2007 | 6:42 am
Does this cake have cocoa added to it? I got the impression it was a chocolate cake. Please let me know. Thanks, Steph