How to Eat With a Vengeance
After yesterday’s news that I have high blood pressure (130/90) and high cholesterol (221), I realized that my life is about to change. I realized that after my doctor’s appointment today, I will probably need to make additional changes to my diet. I realized, above all, that I’m probably going to have to say goodbye to salt and mayonnaise: my two favorite things to add to food.
At first, this made me sad. No salt? What good are tortilla chips without salt? What is Cholula but some hot peppers in a bath of vinegar and salt? No mayo? What good is a peanut butter, banana, and mayo sandwich without mayo?
Then I got mad.
Real mad.
The problem was, I didn’t have anyone to get angry at. The only thing that could be said to be at fault was my own body and the way it processes food.
Fair enough, then. I’ll get angry at my body, and punish it with food.
I resolved to spend the day eating with a vengeance.
Round One: Lunch
The only reasonably-short line in the cafeteria was the salad bar, which wasn’t exactly what I originally had in mind to kick off my act of gastronomical defiance. However, I decided to take it on as a challenge. I would build a Bad Salad.
This turned out to be almost disappointingly easy. On top of a very small bed of lettuce (put there mostly so that I could still claim it is a salad, as opposed to an ad-hoc casserole), I put a couple of hardboiled eggs, two different kinds of cheese, several cherry tomatoes (just for color), some cottage cheese just in case the other cheeses got lonely, croutons, a double-fistful of sunflower seeds, and then drenched it in ranch dressing.
Where I work, the way they charge you for the salad bar is by how much it weighs. For me, they had to bring in a special scale.
Round Two: Afternoon Snack
Within a few hours, I no longer felt like I was going to explode. This is not, mind you, the same thing as saying that I felt hungry. I was not in the same area code as hungry. But I was still feeling angry, so decided to continue to show my body who’s boss. Luckily, there’s a vending machine on my floor. "Take that, stupid heart!" I said, plowing through a Snickers. "Who’s got high cholesterol now?" I asked my blood, as I easily dispatched a KitKat bar. "What, you think I eat too much salt?" I taunted my blood pressure, as I munched with affected carelessness on a Salted Nut Roll.
And then I ate the rigatoni with chicken and alfredo sauce I had in the fridge. I had planned on eating that for lunch today, but I didn’t feel like I had sufficiently made my point.
Round Three: Dinner
My good friend Jeff was in town yesterday, so we went on a short ride — just to get our appetites worked up — and then he took me to dinner. Since he’s a Very Important Vice President of a Massive Publishing Conglomerate, he of course volunteered to pick up the tab when we went to the Acupulco Fresh taco shop.
Taking advantage of Jeff’s (employer’s) generosity, I ordered the Burrito Grande Al Pastor, with the red sauce enchilada dip. And an order of chips and guacamole. Don’t skip on the sour cream if you want a tip, OK? And hey, lookit all the tasty different kinds of salsa at the salsa bar. I think I’ll have some of each.
I dispatched the burrito quickly and efficiently — some might even say "savagely."
Jeff watched in horror.
Round Four: Late Night Snack
Apart from a lot of bike riding, I would say that the factor most responsible for my weight loss since I started this blog is a simple rule I set for myself: After dinner, I’m done eating for the day.
I broke that rule in every way possible last night. Golden Grahams were just the beginning of it. "Stupid body," I thought to myself (I might’ve been speaking out loud, it’s hard to say). "I diet and exercise and eat crazy amounts of vegetables and fruit and high-fiber cereal, and you’re still going to go all middle-aged on me? Well, then, I may as well eat Golden Grahams. And hey, there in the pantry: I spy with my little eye a box of Oreos. I bet I’ll have no trouble finishing those off. I wonder how Oreos would taste with peanut butter on them? Wow. Really good. Let’s do that again."
Was I done? No, I was not done. I was still angry. And the next expression of my indignation would take the form of a tortilla, heated for ten seconds in the microwave to get it nice and pliable, upon which I would spread peanut butter and chocolate frosting.
OK, arteries. Are you ready to cry ‘uncle’ yet?
Do I Have a Point?
Apart from the therapeutic effect of confessing my sins, does this little horror story have a point? Nope. I was just mad at my body for betraying me, and so punished it by eating like there’s no tomorrow. And I admit, I had a lot of fun completely ignoring — in fact, running contrary to — all my eating rules for a day.
And if my doctor’s appointment this afternoon goes like I expect it to, that was my last food frenzy for quite some time.
Today’s weight: Do you really think I would weigh myself the morning after eating like that?
PS: The Errorista — my sister — and a.Toad — my "Hot Blog Pick for Q3′05" (see my "Blogging Cyclists" list) — are both featured on MSN’s What’s Your Story site this week, which is not a small deal. Congrats to both of them.
Comment by Daniel | 10.6.2005 | 8:18 pm
Good lord. I felt ill just *reading* today’s entry, old chap. How do you do it?On another note, it appears that some low-rent advertising-laden cycling forum is harvesting email addresses from your blog and spamming advertisements for itself to them. I can’t think of any other reason why I received such an email this morning.Not that there’s any way around it, other than commenting anonymously, of course, but still… some people have no shame.130/90 isn’t really all *that* bad, is it? It’s been a while since I had my BP checked. What are you supposed to be at?
Comment by Unknown | 10.6.2005 | 8:20 pm
show your body who’s boss, keep eating like that, no matter what happens at the doctor’s office. i dare you. chicken. ccccchhhiiiiicccckkkkeeeenn.
Comment by Matthew | 10.6.2005 | 8:26 pm
Can I have your PSP and/or Pachinko machine when you go into cardiac arrest?
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.6.2005 | 9:02 pm
What sort of punishment is that? It sounded like a normal day to me, except you didn’t kick it into gear until lunchtime.Maybe that’s why I’m 5′8" and 275. But I’m the mongrel you will hate forever. BP 115/70. And I can’t make it shift. Normal day 115/70. Sick 115/70. Sitting in the gutter after having an SUV destroy my shining pride and joy (3 days after upgrading to Dura-ace 10spd) and my collar bone 115/70.When the doctor finishes reading you the riot act remember, MUNGBEANS AND LENTILS on WHOLEGRAIN PITABREAD is YUMMY. At least it’s the yummiest you can expect to taste outside of the Christmas Roast.I think I hear a vending machine calling my name.cheersBIG Mike (skinny on the inside)
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.6.2005 | 9:10 pm
Bad form… putting the P.S. in a seperate posting.Dan-I have become an esteemed member of the same mailing list. I had a quick look at them and decided that Fatty is still my homepage. When someone who owns a bike knows so little about bikes that as a tourist they call themselves a group of ‘traveler cyclists’… game over. For all of my shortcomings I can still trackstand a full cycle of traffic lights one handed and sitting down. So to all the SPAMMERS out there – I hope you break a spoke and your brakes drag all the way to hell.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 10.6.2005 | 9:25 pm
dan – first, sorry they’re spamming you. i hate the idea that someone’s using email addresses from my blog comments to do that. i recommend that from now on you don’t include the email address in your posts (it gets autofilled in, but you can delete it). second, you don’t get to be The Fat Cyclist without having a taste for junk food and an endless appetite. dug – hey, are you using peer pressure on me? because you know how much i hate peer pressure. i feel my willpower ebbing away even as i type.matt – sure you can. can i have your Wega if you go first?Big Mike – someday we’ll have lunch together. i predict you will be surprised.
Comment by L | 10.6.2005 | 11:00 pm
Oh my gawd….. I sit here praying I don’t get electrocuted from the tears dropping into my keyboard. Tears from laughing my butt off….. I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets mad at my body and shows it who the boss is!I’m not into cycling, in fact, I don’t have the first clue about bikes…. but I sure enjoy your humor and it keeps me reading.
Comment by JPSOCAL | 10.6.2005 | 11:16 pm
Well I went through all that crap last year. 5 days after my 56th BD I nearly had a heart attack…..not fun….but it sure scared me straight. I hope you never get to that point ( i have a major coranary artery 80% blocked). Since then I’ve lost 40 lbs and my LDL is down from 175 to 90 my HDL is up from 30 to nearly 70. It’s a real pisser at first but if you get control of it all now and watch it you will never have to go through what I did last year or worse. The best thing is it did get me back on my bike. Before I’d get the "are you going to go out and ride and leave me here alone" thing….now it’s for my health….LOL. I’ve lost 40 lbs so my climbing is improving again…….hey I’m not 20 anymore…..not 30 40 0r 50 for that matter. So all in all it’s been more positive then negative. I did find a place that sells heart healthy meat that’s supposed to be better for you then fish and I also discovered dark chocolate. If nothing else you will lose those 10 lbs quicker then you know. All the best and keep riding and writingJay
Comment by Unknown | 10.7.2005 | 2:04 am
Dude… were you the kind of kid who would get angry at somebody, and then spend the rest of the day headbutting a wal, just to "show them"?I like it, actually. Let me know how it goes with the Mung Beans. (Jeebus, I get the willies just thinking about what a Mung Bean must taste like. Mung Bean! Mung Bean! Eeeeewww…
Comment by Ariane | 10.7.2005 | 4:07 am
…I swoon with queasiness….gaaaghhhh….ralph. Don’t dis the mung bean, they’re goo. Er…good. They are good. I like mung beans and lentils. Whey protien and Tofu mayo are equally yummy, not taken together, of course. Mmmmmm. Just steer clear of that Lipocore (?)… It makes my grandfather borf.
Comment by Robert | 10.7.2005 | 4:13 am
If you keep this up, Fatty, you’re going to find yourself sitting in front of a therapist who wants to talk about your "relationship with food."
Comment by Daisy | 10.7.2005 | 6:03 am
Wow…I love cycling. Used to do it myself. I know one thing for sure…you ride a bike, you lose weight. I lost 55 lbs. Alas, my knees turned on me. The bike I loved so well, sits in garage alone. I enjoyed your stories very much. Ride a mile for me.Daisy Clover
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.7.2005 | 6:45 am
Daisy – If your knees became your enemies it is not because of the bike but because you didn’t find the hallowed "old guy" that is often in the back corner of the local (not local as in locallity-but little local) bike shop collecting dust. He will suggest (never tell) changes to your bike – little changes – bizzare changes that you wouldn’t think mean anything. Move the seat up/down 1/4 inch. Wear 2 socks on your left/right foot. Change breakfast cereal. Take you other foot out of the clips first. One week after you finally pay attention to him you will be riding 20% faster and further with 20% less effort, and you will have your knees back. It seems like witchcraft but the old codger probably won an bronze medal in the olympic roadrace 50 years ago. Every great bike shop has one.The anti-example is my holiday in June to the Gold Coast (Australia). With my choice of 3 finely tuned machines at home I had to go for a ride with the kids while 200miles from home… on the hotel supplied base model wreck. No tools. Rusty chain. The seat pointed to the right by 15 degrees, downhill like a ski slope and was about 7 inches too low. Any wonder Joe Average thinks bike riders are equal parts stupid and gifted for riding any great distance. 5 miles ruined my back, knees and most of my sensitive contact points. Get your bike set up properly. Then find a dusty old codger and get the fine tuning done.
Comment by Fat | 10.7.2005 | 12:21 pm
I think you just explained to the world why I call myself the "Fat Chick." Only it’s not a doctor’s visit that causes me to "punish" my body, it’s a step on the scale that does it. I work out to my fullest strength on all workouts week after week, eat all the fruits, veggies, LF, FF, foods you can find. No processed foods, nothing greasy, no sweets, the works!Then I get on the scale and I’m still at the same weight I was a week ago. Frustrating? YES! After going through several months of this and trying everything under the sun that doesn’t make the scale go down, I went into "punish" mode. Which, by the way, I’m still trying to recover from. How does one get lucky at losing a pound or two a month but can gain 8.5lbs in a month? That alone would make the healthiest person want to punish their body in a very similar way as you did.Keep pushing forward. You can do it.~ Fat ChickP.S. The funny part of this is I’m still trying to figure out why I’m trying so hard, lol.
Comment by Unknown | 10.7.2005 | 12:39 pm
Don’t forget the bag of chips as the midnight snack. LOL. As a parent of a 7 year old who has high cholesterol, yet he does not eat junk food, I totally understand your frustration. Hey, if your body is not going to listen to you, you might as well do what you want to it. I suspect you will feel guilty tomorrow and double your ride in response.
Comment by Bill | 10.7.2005 | 2:21 pm
LOL…I don’t know if you watch FX, but there’s a show on it called "Starved" about a bunch of people with body image/eating disorders (don’t most cyclists?). Won’t debate the entertainment value of the show, but I find it pretty amusing. The episode before the season finally had the "large" compulsive eater do the same thing you did, but all in one sitting, right before going into the hospital for gastric bypass surgery. He’s 300lbs, and he ate pretty much anything & everything you could imagine(plates of cheeseburgers, fried chicken wings, cheez-wiz, etc.) as a "last meal". Guy drops "dead" from a heart attack right as he’s entering the hospital. He actually survives (thank goodness he was in the hospital when it happened), but he’s forced to have his jaw wired shut to prevent him from eating.Moral of the story…enjoy the food…but the body has a nasty way of fighting back, and it usually wins (heart attacks, ulcers, indigestion, etc)!
Comment by Unknown | 10.7.2005 | 2:48 pm
fatchick – Has it occurred to you that you might be gaining muscle mass and the scale is not the best way to measure your fitness level?Try to measure your body fat percentage. Use that in conjuction with your weight measurement. Fatty – Re: Peanut Butter Oreos………you are the man!
Comment by Susan | 10.7.2005 | 3:17 pm
Dude,I tried to live in your world but to no avail. I can only say that since it’s my first week maybe my scale will bend to my favor next week or the week after.Thanks for sharing the funny entry. It had me LOL so much that my employees thought I was reading my email!BTW, I went to your sister’s site and found it funny too. I guess humor runs in your family.Hugs,Fatty Walker!!!
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 10.7.2005 | 3:46 pm
legs0074 – there’s probably a 12 step program for people (like us) who are trying to get even with their bodies. i hope and pray that nobody ever stages an intervention and forces me to go to one of those programs.jay – you mean i can start eating dark chocolate with impunity? what’s in dark chocolate? by the way, congrats on taking something scary and turning it into something positive. your cholesterol levels are better than mine.al – no, i’m afraid i’m the guy who would get angry at someone/something and then go eat a triple-decker peanut butter sandwich.a.toad – i knew this entry would gross you out. not as much as the thought of tofu mayo grosses me out, tho. sounds like it could quite possibly be worse than miracle whip.bob – you make it sound like i’m not ALREADY having food-relationship counselling.daisy – listen to big mike. if you get your bike set up for you properly, it shouldn’t hurt your knees. big mike – if you had a blog, i would read it every single day. fatfitnesschick – oh, i’ve gone on a Binge of Rage after being disappointed on the scale. i expect this is a fairly common thing. i’m just willing — for some reason which i don’t get, because i would absolutely not do this in real life — get really explicit about what a buffoon i am.dawn – fair enough. i did in fact have some doritos. maybe it’s time to look into that 12-step program after all.bill – i’ve never heard of the show, but then again i don’t really follow reality tv (tagline of this blog notwithstanding). there was definitely a ‘last supper’ aspect to that binge, though. i’ve since been nearly monastic in my eating habits.craig – if i were nabisco, i would look into an oreo with a peanut butter filling. taste of a reeses, texture of an oreo. sure-fire success.sue – just keep plugging away, same as any of us. some days you’ll do better than others. if you exercise and eat right, though, eventually the trend will bend to your favor. it takes patience though, as you already know.
Comment by Jeff | 10.7.2005 | 4:59 pm
My horror was less at the alarming alacrity with which you annihilated that burrito and more at your chosen technique. Would it have killed you to use utensils? I mean, the burrito was smothered in cheese, sauce and sour cream. Hey, turns out you were too. Lucky the car was a rental.
Comment by Unknown | 10.7.2005 | 5:07 pm
I had twinkies and Dr. Pepper for supper last night.
Comment by Unknown | 10.7.2005 | 7:56 pm
At what point do you rename your blog? Fat Cyclist will eventually become totally incorrect as a description, right?I just began bike to work commuting (6.6 mi total, both ways)—several months after knee surgery—and have a lot of weight to loose before I’m anywhere near your weight.Good luck with the doctors.
Comment by Fat | 10.7.2005 | 8:47 pm
Craig – yes I believed that once… I guess I should hold on to that belief. Thanks!P.S. I’m totally digging the PB oreos idea, lol.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.8.2005 | 5:07 am
PEANUT BUTTER OREOsCome to Australia, we have them on the shelf ready to go.Personally, they turn my stomach. But I’m a bit strange. And getting stranger everytime I think about how strange I am. I don’t know anyone apart from me who can eat a 14" pizza (all of it in one sitting on my own), have a tomato sauce (ketchup) multigrain sandwich for dessert and then go out the road bike and do 40 miles at 18mph.My world is a strange place.
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