Most. Insulting. Comments. Ever.
Well.
I’d like to say that I enjoyed reading your comments to yesterday’s post, but that would, sadly, be a lie. Not because you hurt my feelings — far from it. Rather, because the bulk of you are tepid, craven souls, transparent in your greed even as you try to muster the courage to utter an ill-conceived, trite, and usually derivative remark.
But that wasn’t what really got to me.
No. It was how obvious you are. I have laid bare my soul for months now, and the only barb most of you could find had to do with that day’s post? Really, that was all the ammo you could find? You’re as lazy as you are unimaginative.
On the rare occasion somebody made a clever remark, I noticed it was rapidly and shamelessly replicated, with only minor variety. Did you think I wouldn’t notice that? Well, did you? You sicken me.
I hereby award the bag to myself.
Just kidding.
Here are a few of my favorites from yesterday’s contest:
Most Elegant
Fatty,
You lowly sheath. I dignify your baseness by a mere response to your sorry whine. Stand, man, stand by God. Stand and walk as a man from your shame and sorrow. Feign bravery for a moment that we, your sad ensemble of fellow betrayed followers may have just one shred, one scintilla, of dignity. Get thee on your alloy steed and make us proud again. You fatty; sorry, lumpish, and melancholy. You soft and dull eyed fool. Ride, ride, RIDE!!!
Apologies to the bard.
— jimserotta
Fatty replies: This was very nearly the overall winner, but then he had to go and apologize to the bard. If you’re going to plagiarize, go big and bold, Jim.
Best Vocabulary
Dear FC
When this blog began you were fat. Some would say obese. But more importantly, you were indefatigable. Full of piss and vinegar. Now you have become a slightly less fat faineant snob unwilling to risk scraping your knee or slipping on a wet leaf.
”Ohh, Ohh. life is hard. Waaahh!"
Wrong. Life is easy, YOU suck!
Maybe you should be concerned more with learning bicycle handling and less with coming up with excuses for your pitiful self. Sorry to break it to FC, but you are actually just another chaffy cager.
— craig
Fatty replies: "Fainéant?" Who are you calling "fainéant?" (Looks up word) Well, whaddaya know. That’s actually a really good word for me.
Special "Stuffing the Ballot Box" Award
Scared of water. Scared of leaves. Scared of wind. Exactly how much of a sissy are you?
I know why real cyclists shave their legs. And now I know why you do too. You’re a fatty, AND A GIRLY!
— BIG Mike
When we finally meet, I was planning on buying you a coffee and spending a day riding and chatting, but the plan now is to give you a wedgy and walk away laughing.
Between myself, little-d-dug, rocky and the kickboxing counsellor I think we should be able to administer a wedgy that will land you about 3 stories up.
— BIG Mike
I want my PB Oreos back! I thought you earned them but you’re just a spineless charlatan. Your seemily steadfast dedication to all things manpowered and shiny was nothing but a Seigfried and Roy quality smoke and mirrors show.
Price check on check-out 12. Floaties, knee pads, elbow pads, shoulder-pads… AND A DUMMY.
You can either spit it like you did yesterday or suck on it like the coward we have all witnessed you become.
— BIG Mike
I was already good at taking the fastest talkers down a notch or two. Always in fun and never if the victims seemed unstable or suicidal. That was before the deer in the headlights who calls himself ‘The Fat Cyclist’.
You may have had gender re-alignment surgery and not noticed. You should go to the doctor and have yourself checked. Men who run squealing from inanimate objects like leaves, water, wind and stuffed toys (OK, I made the last one up) are not really men.
If you don’t grow a backbone and some cajones in double quick time you will certainly grow a callous on your butt, a gut over your belt and a John Candy chin.
— BIG Mike
You want more? I got more, sissy boy. I just don’t want to be the one that makes you kick the chair away while you’re testing the rope in your basement.
— BIG Mike
Oh yeah, I forgot.
Who’s going to finish the other half of that sit up you started when you climbed out of bed this morning? Obviously not you. You can’t finish what you start.
I hope your nurse tells you a nice bed time story after lowering you onto the pillow and tucking you in.
— BIG Mike
And the Winner…
Oh, Fatty, where did I go wrong with you? I always tried to raise my five daughters to be strong, and I thought I had succeeded:
Kellene- takes 18 ft. falls and barely flinches. She climbs back up the cliff with her bike on her back and rides home.
Lori- has the cojones to move half-way across this country to pursue her art. Stepping out of her comfort zone to confront her fears head on, like I always taught you.
Errorista- deals with people I am afraid to be in the same county with, let alone the same room, and she remains strong. I won’t even mention the Muay Thai training.
CJ- another warrior daughter. Stands up for her convictions even if it comes with a risk to her chosen career. Oh, she is so strong.
And then there is you, my dear. Sure, I was disappointed when it became obvious you would be the ugliest of my daughters, but when I first saw you ride your little Strawberry Shortcake bike I knew you too would be another strong Nelson daughter. My co-workers would laugh at me for sticking up for my fat, boyish little girl, but I would think about all the good you were doing by inspiring other fat, boyish little girls, and fat, girlish little boys to ride.
And then you began an inspirational blog and inspired many more with your writings of adventurous rides. I would tell my co-workers that you were like the US Postal Service: through wind, rain, sleet, snow, or heat of day you would ride.
But now you have brought this travesty upon our family name, and I can no longer return to work with my head held high. I’m sorry, honey, but I must disown you out of loyalty to the family. I only wish I had had a son, and had the chance to mold him into a man. A man who did not fear wet leaves.
Regretfully,
Your Father
(Actually, by nikared)
Fatty replies: Nice writing, Nikared. Although a part of me is just a smidgen creeped out that you know so much about my family. Email me with your address and I’ll send you that seat bag.
Today’s weight: 162.6
BONUS: New Cyclingnews article published: My story, "How to be a Bike Snob," an excerpt of which I posted here at the beginning of this week, is now online at Cyclingnews.com. Click here to read it now.
Comment by Zed | 10.27.2005 | 9:57 pm
I must confess: I was cracking up the entire time I read that one, and I knew, I mean, I REALLY KNEW I didn’t stand a chance. The other one that got me in stitches was the Keepyerbag comment. It was all over before my fingers hit the keyboard.
Comment by Daniel | 10.27.2005 | 10:13 pm
Hmm. Praps I should have had a crack.What *is* the story with CJ and her blog, anyway? Did I miss something?
Comment by THEODORE | 10.27.2005 | 10:15 pm
Haha, that’s quite a support group you have going there. No better way to stick to your workout routine than when you have a throng of perfect strangers eager to insult you and condemn your every misstep, eh?By the way, I can’t seem to find out exactly how much you plan to lose? 162.6 sounds perfectly healthy to me if you’re a grown man. In fact, it even sounds slightly skinny, assuming you’re taller than about 5′ 5". OK, that’s all. Hope you keep up your blog, even in the event that you do meet your weight goal. You’ve got some funny stuff!
Comment by Daniel | 10.27.2005 | 10:26 pm
TigerlilyHobbit – read back through Fatty’s post history, and you’ll realise that even he admits that at 160, he is now a fraud. An imposter. A whippet in Shar Peis’ clothing.Really, he should rename this page something like ‘Scrawny Bike Snob’.
Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 10:30 pm
I gotta hand it to Nikared. Funny stuff. But I meant what I said, and I stand by it. I didn’t know there was a contests…I was just stating the facts as I know them. Weenie.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.27.2005 | 10:41 pm
I gave the ‘rista sister a heads up that you will be in urgent need of her services after the pasting you got yesterday. But before you start crying in the cup of cocoa she makes for you remember, you asked for it.
Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 10:57 pm
yer dum. oh, wait, is the contest over?yer still dum.
Comment by AO | 10.27.2005 | 11:13 pm
Accepts bag from the gorgeous, tall blonde in the form-fitting black, sequined dress."Ahem, ahem", (double taps microphone). "This is all so sudden, and I really, honestly didn’t think I had a chance of winning." (Wipes lone tear from cheek.) "I know I’d leave someone out if I started thanking all those who made this possible, but I’d like to recognize a few folks anyway. First, to the Cyclist formerly known as Fat, the verbal lashing you gave my Miata comment made thinking up something mean to say about you easy. So, ha, the joke’s on you."Errorista, thanks for ’suggesting’ to Fatty that I win. Your ‘persuasion’ skills are legendary…"Finally, I just want to say to BIG MIKE: You really should start a blog, I would read it once, no twice a day, and you wouldn’t have to bribe me with anything to do it."(Exits stage left with the gorgeous, tall blonde in the form-fitting black, sequined dress.)
Comment by Unknown | 10.27.2005 | 11:19 pm
Yeah, like that’s fair.Once Errorista chimed in you had no choice but to go the same way or she’d whoop into you like a twister in a trailer park.Oh, well, no sour grapes. In fact, as a gesture of goodwill, I herby invite you to the Super V Pumpkin Shoot Competition.You can be the clay pigeon.
Comment by Aaron | 10.27.2005 | 11:21 pm
I wanna be a famous blogger, everyone come to my wonderful site!!! oh by the way i really love this site, way to make it on MSN best spaces!!!
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 12:50 am
sorry for calling you faineant. Just remember….you can’t spell indefatigable without fat.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 1:12 am
How ’bout reinstituting a modified "Fat Cyclist Sweepstakes" where every week your weight is above 160 one of us lucky fatheads gets one of those coveted, nearly one of a kind, Amazon Gift Certificates?BotchedP.S. Your comments today were directed towards me. I was embarassed by my effort, or really by the fact that the post is really as good as it is every going to get from me, but I just couldn’t resist bashing you.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 1:25 am
nikared – I suspect I couldn’t hold a blog together for more than a week. I haven’t had an original thought since the mid 90’s. I just ride the wave caused by fatty’s daily bomb dives into the cesspool of life.Besides, all of those posts were a procrastinators cry for help. I was actually sitting at the computer avoiding a 20 page report that was due 6 days ago for my physics degree.
Comment by Mad Suburban Dad | 10.28.2005 | 2:21 am
What happened to Afghanatastic’s blog? Why did they replace her as MSN Space of the Week with your blog?
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 2:46 am
Hey fatty – I finished reading the full bike snob story at cycline news 5 minutes ago. I finished snorting diet coke out my nose 2 minutes ago. Which is weird because I don’t drink diet coke. But I guess it’s better than wetting yourself laughing.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 3:37 am
[weeping]. You mean I didn’t get the bag? [weeping more.] You mean I’m stuck with the $5.95 Performance piece o’ dung I picked up to replace the nice Cannondale easily removable wedge that got killed by Fat Dude in Lincoln when I was commuting last week?[loud sobs.] I hate you. My tender inner thighs now will chap now on that awful Performance fat wedge, until I can find a small, firmly affixed but easily removable wedge that doesn’t rely on nylon straps to tie in, and which doesn’t flutter in the breeze like a drunken sparrow. That’s it Fatty… my chapped tender inner thighs are on your head.No, wait a minute. That’s not what I mean. I mean it’s your fault if my promising Cat V career is cut short as a result of severe inner thigh fat chappage. Hey nikared, tell me how the bag works out. I may buy one if it rides high up under the saddle and stays out of the way of my 55 gallon drum-sized legs. And if anybody else has an idea about which wedge might do the trick, I’m all ears. And chapped thighs. Ps. Nothing by Assos. o /L<u>O^O…………………</u>
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 3:39 am
Dude, your comments function is teh suck. It doesn’t read html tags? I’ll try that again. o /LO^O…………………
Comment by Carolynn | 10.28.2005 | 3:48 am
Miss a day and miss the contest. And then to find that you are on the MSN Top list again. Wow, teach me to go to work. Proud of you.
Comment by Jim | 10.28.2005 | 4:31 am
Fatty – So you accuse us of being lazy? I smite thee verbally! Prepare thyself for a witty and scathing retort, you insipid, pathetic wannabe cyclist!Most of your blogs are devoid of self-loathing and deprecation, at least not enough to be used in a self-critical blog commentary. The implication was that we were to respond to your post from yesterday ONLY. Today’s feeble attempt at redeeming yourself is laughable. Give us a break. If you want negative feedback based on your poor choice of subject material, I suggest you stick to weight weenie/bike snob issues, which you seem to personify. i.e. – how much weight can I save by pooping excessive $$$ on carbon fiber cable housings? Now THAT is something we could tee off on!BTW – rename your blog as "the (formerly) fat cyclist", or the "Previously Portly (yet now) Pretentious Cyclist", lest we accuse you of hypocrisy.Until then, continue with your daily drivel. It is at least worthy of perusing, if only for humorous purposes.Seriously, your blog is inspirational to us in the hinterlands who are striving to improve our cycling ability and reduce our mid-section tool sheds.At least Middle Tennessee winter weather is better than where you are! BWAHAAHAA!!!!Jim
Comment by EricGu | 10.28.2005 | 4:35 am
I played soccer most of my childhood. Played on some good teams, and played on some not-so-good teams. One Wednesday, my high school team travelled to Port Angeles to play their new team. At halftime, we led 8-0, despite playing everybody on the bench. The coach called us aside. quieted us down, and quietly said, "Men, we’ve scored enough goals, and it’s not sporting to run up the score." So, we held back in the second half.I’ve remembered that lesson over the years, and always tried to be kind to the less fortunate. So I respectfully declined to participate…
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 4:37 am
That’s exactly who I would have chosen and I echo the wish that BigMike would start a blog… he’s priceless. He didn’t get a bag, but he’s still priceless. And big.Fatty, your blog is the most entertaining blog on record, even for non-bikers. I think you DESERVE one-point-something weeks on the Best Of list for that reason alone.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 4:47 am
Gawd, Elden! The article is brilliant, of course, and a real laugh-out-loud hoot. I can use at least some of the tactics you espouse there for all sorts of situations… sewing machines, exercise bikes, furniture, big screen televisions (watch out, Bob!), cars, hairdos, wheelchairs, even! Think of the possibilities you have opened up for me!MuMo
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 5:13 am
I’m only commenting to satisfy the exhibitionist lurking way too close to the surface of my persona. I am ineligible for prizes – some crap in the fine print about residents of the continental US only. Either that, or fatty is too stingy to cough up the postage. Apparently it’s quite pricey to ship something the size of a tool wedge or say a box of biscuits half way around the world.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 6:06 am
Omg! ok this may be gard to read cos i am going to write "txt" language! but still…Omg! i am a 14 year old girl from nz and i have just bored myself with ur writing! ok im not wun to be like bitchy and stuff but i mean reli!! ple geta life! ok who eva the hell fatty is its great u wana lose weight but do u have to bore the rest of the world by telling us all! yes now i know if it was interesting i woodnt have bin bother to write a comment but i feel i have to! firstly other pple suchas Big mike!! geta real life! unless u actually know this persun the nli resaon u comment a thousand time is probably coz ur inlove wid dis guy! u act like a teenage gurl wid a crush on sum real hot guy! hey! hello i wood know! look fatty just go to the gym or weight watchers or sumthing!!! i am very sorry to give u this reli long sad email! this was more to big mike to pull his head owt of his arse coz hes probably fat too!!!!Luv kate!!!!!
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 6:29 am
KATE – I came to this site for the cycling satire and stayed for the community that is built around that satire. Who are you, Kate, to tell people to get a life? Everyone who comes here shares something. Nothing you can touch or smell or buy in a shop, just something real. That’s why I’m here and that’s how we can all jest and jibe without hurting anything other than our ribs from laughing. This is better than the real world, because if you fall off fatty’s blog you don’t break bones or cut yourself. You just laugh and continue on your way, and the community will be here when you come back tomorrow.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 6:37 am
Sheesh, that really put a damper on things. Here I was coming over to visit and beat my chest about the fact that since everyone thinks I have something meaningful to say, I may as well say it.If you feel cheated because fatty is no longer fat, come with me, I’m the pied piper. I’m heading down the op-shop tomorrow to buy a secondhand black bar to put over my face so I can put up a "before" photo. But first I’m going to ask the lady behind the counter if she has any of those blocky pixelated federal witness face masks stashed out the back.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 7:13 am
We speak english here, not txt. Go play phone messages with the other kids.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 10:32 am
Mike, joo b33n a b4k4. K4te p3wned joo noob. K4te prolly b33 n1XXa7ed. Ph33r K4te!
Comment by Sue | 10.28.2005 | 10:41 am
I think I just aged 30 years.Botched
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 10.28.2005 | 11:26 am
Thanks Al, that really cleared everything up. Now I’ve gotta bring the hose in the house to clean the mess because MY HEAD EXPLODED.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 12:38 pm
I would like to add my take on increasingly frequent comments that the fat cyclist is not fat anymore.Who’s to say who’s fat? You the reader? The LBS who replaced FC’s titanium seat rails with chromo ones and put 36 spoke wheels on his bike ? Now that FC is famous and attracting non cyclists, I am getting rather annoyed at the accusations he is not fat. your right! hes not fat. He’s the fat cyclist. Two different things. Definitions;Current USA definition of Fat – Not getting winded walking up the 6 steps to Denny’s on the way to scarf down your ‘Moons over my hammy’ . Fat Cyclist – Any cyclist having issues with weight. One who gains it with horrifying ease in the winter and never quite loses all of it. The fat leaves a mark, spiritually and physically. The fat clothes in the closet with mayonaisse stains, the bibs with the elastic stretched out permanently in the gut area, the loose skin hanging over the elastic band in your underoos, the mental struggle within yourself, etc..So end the calls for changin he name. We know he is not fat, but he is the Fat Cyclist.
Comment by Nina | 10.28.2005 | 1:38 pm
Slightly off topic – is has to do with the bike snob thing. I realized yesterday, as I was picking up a bike maintenance book at the book store, that I’m a bike maintenance book snob. I chose a book in which they fixed nicer bikes. Not necessarily better pictures, but nicer, more expensive bikes in the pictures (even though I don’t have a bike anywhere near as nice). See and I thought I wasn’t that big of a bike snob.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 2:07 pm
Fatty,You don’t need to be insulted. Maybe this will help.http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayIsapI.dll?ViewItem&item=8335653541
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 10.28.2005 | 3:02 pm
what happened – she asked to have them remove her blog, and they were nice enough to do it. they needed something to drop in the void, which would be me. she’ll be back when she’s able.big mike – hey, you totally caved under pressure. i’m adding a link to your blog now, so you’d better be heeelarious. nikared – adding a link to you too, so…etc.dan – good to have you back, man.dug – no, YOU’RE the dumb one. keepYerBag – don’t be sour. there’s always next week and so on. also, i hope you keep commenting, and that you keep the handle ‘keepYerBag.’ aaron peck – i’m sorry, but you’ve exceeded the exclamation point restriction for commenters on this blog. from now on, you’re allowed nothing but commas and semicolons.craig – "fatty the faineant" has a nice ring to it. botchedExperiment – i’ll be bringing back the fat cyclist sweepstakes, but not until after the holidays. this isn’t the time of year for me to freak out about a few pounds. it is, however, the time to consume mass quantities of chocolate.al – please, stop crying. seriously, stop it. oh, now you’ve got ME crying, too. is that what you wanted?jim – actually, all of my posts are full of self-deprecation, though i dip into self-loathing only infrequently. you need to start reading carefully, or you’re going to do terribly on the mid-term exam.low-phat – you’re a sweetheart, with wisdom well beyond your years. how’s that plan on taking over the world coming?MuMo – you make me blush. cut it out.kate – ur ryt, my site S borin!!! i wsh it wrnt, bt Ima midL aged mn n cnt hlp Mself!!! u jst 100% shut me dwn, n nw ll dats lft 4me2 do S del dis blog n cri n a crnA!!! i wsh i weren’t a borin f@ old mn!!!!! craig – if i were going to have a page called "Why ‘Fat Cyclist’" i would steal your text and call it my own.ninacan – i’d feel a lot better about being a bike snob if i could fix my own bikes. so youv’e got me there.remdog-moots – the guy who did that ebay listing has a great site/blog called http://www.banterist.com. i recommend it. good stuff.
Comment by Zed | 10.28.2005 | 3:43 pm
Yes! I’m on the list too! You’re too kind, Mr. Nelson.
Comment by Unknown | 10.28.2005 | 3:49 pm
No sour grapes here. Had I won, I would have had to graciously recuse myself:1) I’m an imposter, a poseur. The only bike I own is an exercise bike, and it’s recumbent to boot. 2) I majored in philosophy.3) I collect teddy bears.4) Club Cube.Keep up the good work, my friend. This blog is an absolute hoot. It’s nice to see your humor remains as twisted and your writing remains as sharp as ever!
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 10.28.2005 | 5:03 pm
keepYerBag – Club Cube? Philosophy? Is that you, RPK? email me.
Comment by Ariane | 10.28.2005 | 7:53 pm
Gah. fatty, if you had a mid-term for your blog this semester, it’d be the only one I was even near prepared enough for. Ho-ly cats. The last couple weeks really sucked. In fact, please do have a mid-term, so that, at least in my head I can raise the ol’ GPA.