Pro Cyclist Returns Clean Blood Sample!
When, last week, I read that Roberto Heras had been suspended for EPO use, I was not at all shocked. This is not because I suspected he was doping. Rather, it’s because at this point I am no longer shocked to find that any pro cyclist is doping. In fact, the question that popped into my mind was, “So is there even one cyclist out there that isn’t doping?” Then I thought, “What if the answer to that question were — literally — ‘yes?’” Over the weekend, I wrote a new satire piece for Cyclingnews. Here’s a sneak peek at an excerpt of this story.
Professional Cyclist Returns Clean Blood Sample!
Lombardia, Italy, November 15 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – The cycling world was rocked today when WADA chief Dick Pound, in conjunction with Lampre-Caffita Directeur Sportif Giuseppe Saronni, announced that David Loosli is — according to all currently available tests — clean.
“David Loosli is a bright beacon of hope to the world of professional cycling,” said Pound. “If it is possible for one cyclist to be clean, can the day where we see as many as five or ten clean riders be far off?”
“I am both humbled and honored,” added Mr. Saronni, “to have David Loosli on our team. We believe that he has a great future as a non-doping cyclist, and hope to help him continue to be the pre-eminent non-doper in the cycling world.”
“Or only non-doper in the cycling world,” Saronni corrected himself. “Same thing.”
Science Community Weighs In
While it is still unclear to the general public how a professional cyclist is somehow not doping, Scientists and nutritionists from around the globe have been dispatched to study Loosli. Asked what he thought of this phenomenon, Dr. Richard P. Kelly, one of the world’s foremost nutritionists, responded, “I have long believed that if one trained, ate, and rested properly, it would be — theoretically — possible to race as a professional cyclist without doping. Here, at last, we have proof.”
Other scientists, however, remain skeptical. “Of course I am gladdened that David Loosli appears to not be doping,” said American Screening Institute representative Sammakko Miyasaki. “This, however, does not constitute final proof that Loosli has definitively not been doping. We believe the safest course of action is to — for the time being — refer to Mr. Loosli as an ‘alleged non-doper,’ until we have developed additional tests over the course of the next five years, which we shall then run on his current blood, saliva, and urine samples.”
Miyasaki continued: "At that point, we believe we should be able to say, with 72% confidence, that Loosli either is or is not doping at this moment in time.”
“Also,” concluded Miyasaki, “We’re going to need a lock of his hair, a 4-inch-square sample of his skin, and one of his kidneys for our tests. Just to be safe.”
Racers React
As one would expect, the tight-knit community of professional cyclists is abuzz with the news that one of their own is not doping.
“I am very, very happy for Mr. Loosli, who I have never heard of before today,” said currently-suspended four-time Vuelta winner Roberto Heras. “I wish him great success in the future as he races on the…the…excuse me, what team did you say he races on?”
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 4:02 pm
What a riot. . .what an honor! My laughter woke up half the block even before the nutritionist weighed in. I’ll have a big smile on my face all day. Top notch work, as always. Another e-mail coming to you soon.
Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 11.14.2005 | 4:27 pm
Dropped by while wasting time I should be spending writing an 8-10 page research paper due Fri in first draft! I enjoyed the post Fatty! By the way, when ya going to give away a set of Banjo Bros Panniers?::GRIN::
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 5:45 pm
Fatty,Dope, dope, dope.And more dope. Pofessional cyclists are now proffesional lab rats. Kinda like pro body builders. Or baseball players. Or football players. As in auto racing, there are cheaters and losers.Maybe the clean guys should start their own teams and federations, like the natural body builders did. Then nobody would care about them either. But, then there are no trophies for moral victories.Boz
Comment by Zed | 11.14.2005 | 5:57 pm
Classic. I only hope some of the Chatenay-Malabry people read it–especially the part about creating new tests to study his old samples.
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 6:53 pm
This is great! The 4" square skin sample is a nice touch. Heras left a patch of skin about that size on the pavement during the Vuelta. Do you think that led to his bust?Chris
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 7:26 pm
I disagree with Boz… there are LOADS of trophies for moral victories. You can’t hold them in your hand or take pictures of them, but they sure do exist.This is yet another brilliant piece of work, Fatty! I stand in awe every dang time and can’t wait to read the whole piece in Cycling News. The way you think of all these different facets of a story simply amazes and delights me every time.I have a serious question about cycling. Because of the ongoing hyperextension of the lumbar spine from the bent-over position, especially while the legs are working, do cyclists have a lot of problems (temporary or permanent) in that area?Hugs,MuMo
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 7:30 pm
Come to think of it, the trophies for immoral victories are often quite splendid as well, and perhaps even more tangible.
Comment by Unknown | 11.14.2005 | 7:38 pm
I only meant the kind that you get handed on the podium, that can collect dust on the mantle, or in a box in the garage. Moral victories are the one’s we really remember.Boz
Comment by a | 11.14.2005 | 7:43 pm
another excellent article, fatty. still laughing over the 4 inch square skin sample and kidney thing…
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.14.2005 | 7:58 pm
boz / mumo – yeah, i know what you’re saying. i’ve heard arguments for a "gladiator" class in pro sports, where basically anything goes. use whatever you want, but you’ve got to sign the waiver that says you know it’ll eventually kill you. i would be intrigued to see what a cyclist could do if he could openly use everything science has to offer. it’d be a freak show, but i have to admit i’d watch. nikared – the kidney joke was a veiled jab at rocky: now he’ll have to give up his dream of becoming a pro cyclist.
Comment by a | 11.14.2005 | 8:06 pm
ya know, i wanted to reference rocky when i wrote the 1st comment, but he is so hyper-sensitive, and all, and i didn’t want to make him cry.
Comment by tayfuryagci | 11.14.2005 | 8:06 pm
great work fatty.I doped on my first ever race. I came last but who cares. :)
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.14.2005 | 8:31 pm
tayfur – just goes to show, it’s not whether you dope, but what kind of dope you use. a word of advice: next time, avoid quaaludes, pre-race.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 11.14.2005 | 9:10 pm
Rocky – don’t listen to them. You can do it. Turn pro. Just remember that after the first drug test you will have zero kidneys left (or is it right, actually that question is relevant now but becomes moot when you have zero kidneys).
Comment by Unknown | 11.15.2005 | 12:31 am
As a Canadian, I know something about moral victories as the Great White North is second only to the actual leader when it comes to moral victories. We’re known world-wide for the intangibles we bring to the competition, intangibles that will never be mistaken for gold medals, world records or fancy trophies. The famous Dick Pound, name dropped by FC in his nice little article, is a Canadian. We put the "finish" in the phrase "100th place finisher."Oh, by the way, shouldn’t it be "whom" in the phrase "who I have never heard of before today" and, maybe even, "of whom I have never heard"?
Comment by TIMOTHY | 11.15.2005 | 1:19 am
I still think that Lance is/was clean. He’s been tested more often than any other rider, and with the exception of some 5 year old pee (I hear that 2000 was a good year for urine – it mellows with age you know…) involved in some fishy circumstances (French lab, "anonymous" sample and the first one they find "positive" just "happens" to be Lance Armstrong’s and the results just "happen" to get leaked to Le’ Equipe, they waited a long time between the "discovery" and the allegations…something’s not adding up right here…) he’s always tested clean. I still believe he’s clean.Who was the Canadian snowboarder that was DQ’d for smoking pot? Now HE brought something intangible to the competition. (Will race for Fritos.)
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.15.2005 | 1:30 am
ellrod – you leave me no choice:1. i hereby award you a demerit for nitpicking grammar in a blog (who v. whom). 2. i hereby award you a second demerit for requesting antiquated grammar ("of whom i have never heard"). this is supposed to be a professional cyclist saying this today (or tomorrow, actually), not a british dandy saying it in the mid-20th century. 3. i hereby award you a third demerit for suggesting these changes in what is clearly a spoken quote. hypothetically, i’m just recording what heras said. this puts you on double secret bonus probation, ellrod. please try to be more careful in the future.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 11.15.2005 | 1:41 am
Wasn’t Ben Johnson Canadian? Some moral victory.
Comment by a | 11.15.2005 | 1:49 am
i went to a private school that worked on the demerit system, so i’m unafraid of any possible repercussions to this. that said, shouldn’t it actually be: "who I had never heard of before today"?where the heck is caloi on this? come on, caloi, you were an english major, right?
Comment by Unknown | 11.15.2005 | 1:59 am
Fatty, bad grammar is something up with which we shall not put. I don’t care who says what to whom, but Brother Ellrod made his point. He was also bleeping pedantic about it, which is a bad breech of blog & comments ettiquette, but just what I’d expect from somebody who probably blows his nose with his face pointed upward whilst riding en peleton, as if sleeves and terry glove thumbs didn’t exist. And I’m a devout atheist about those mostly hypothetical moral victories Boz… I believe Vince Lombardi (correctly) remarked, Second Place should be called First Loser. I realize that in events like bicycling and ballet, this confines me to permanent suckitude, but so be it. People who actually win shouldn’t have their achievement diluted by organizers who hand out consolation prizes to folks like me, who basically suck. Unless of course the prize awarded is itself a recognition for massive, intrinsic, unabashed suckitude, suckitude as high art, like the Wooden Spoon in Six Nations Rugby, which is awarded to the team that most consistently bites the wax tadpole for the entire season.
Comment by Ariane | 11.15.2005 | 2:27 am
/snort /snicker /chortle (jeez, I always swore I wouldn’t start using those internet action backslash-y things… curse you Moriarty.) Watch David Loosli test positive next week or something…. Is that cat Sammakko Miyasaki a real person? I only wish some one had been about to witness my look of confusion (usually only seen during those rare Test-Your-IQ moments), when the first line my eyes settled upon was: "Also,” concluded Miyasaki, “We’re going to need a lock of his hair, a 4-inch-square sample of his skin, and one of his kidneys for our tests. Just to be safe.”
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.15.2005 | 3:11 am
a.toad – oddly enough, "sammakko" is finnish for "frog." i have no idea where i got the idea for that surname, though.
Comment by Unknown | 11.15.2005 | 4:38 am
Ross Rebliagti (approximate spelling) was the Canadian snowboarder who acheived a rare Canadian Olympic double. An outright win, failing his pee test and being stripped of his medal but being eventually reinstated. Therefore both an outright AND a moral victory. Unlike Ben Johnson who was, as I recall, a Jamaican runner.As for being a pedant, I defer to Mr. Bill Clinton who, when asked about Rwanda, replied, "I did not have sex with that woman." In other words, I thought she looked at least 18.Double secret bonus probation, eh? Did y’all know Dean Wormer was a Canadian. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.15.2005 | 5:18 am
ellrod:1. merit awarded for spelling "y’all" properly. i don’t know why, but i hate it when i see it spelled "ya’ll," which seems to be increasingly common. i guess i’m as nitpicky as the next guy.2. merit awarded for the stream of conciousness line of reasoning on bill clinton. i could probably find another merit to bring you to even, but i prefer to leave you in the hole by one, so that you’ll feel like you need to be extra smart, funny, and deferential in your next comment.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 11.15.2005 | 5:39 am
ellrod – bzzzzzzzt… Ben Johnson is a "proud" Canadian.www.tv.cbc.ca/witness/doping/dopben.htm
Comment by Daniel | 11.15.2005 | 8:45 am
I favour the ‘let ‘em go gung ho’ approach. Open anabolic steroids (and other performance-enhancing substances) up to use under medical supervision. Make them prescription drugs, and let doctors prescribe them for those reasons.The current Murkn classification of steroids as Class C (or III, or whatever) drugs along with marijuana et al is a ridiculous and counterproductive political travesty.If steroids were available from one’s family doctor, the market for dodgy stuff from South America and eastern Europe would dry up overnight, and Johnny Eighteen-Year-Old would have to either use tiny and sensible doses to augment his training, or go without.It would also re-start research into the relevant pharmacology, which has stalled since the 60s. Goodness knows, there are millions of HIV/AIDS patients who could benefit hugely from these drugs, but can’t use them because of the politicising of the ‘performance enhancement’ issue.
Comment by Ariane | 11.15.2005 | 9:28 am
I wonder. Eh. You just have sophisticated taste. ‘Sa wicked good surname. Okay. I’m…. So… tired…. dying… ….enghk…. (Wow. I am too tired to push the <publish comment> button. I just stared at it for about five minutes. Foosh.)
Comment by Unknown | 11.15.2005 | 11:32 am
>>>>merit awarded for spelling "y’all" properly. i don’t know why, but i hate it when i see it spelled "ya’ll," which seems to be increasingly common. i guess i’m as nitpicky as the next guy.Okay, double demerit for both Ellrod and Fatty. Anybody who has lived South of the Manson-Nixon line, aka "down yonder apiece," would know, all y’all are mistaken in your use of y’all. "Y’all" is second person singular. As in "why didn’t y’all return mah phone call?""All y’all" is second person plural. As in "why are all y’all misusing this here pronoun?"When Ellrod addressed the group, he was speaking to all of us, and the correct usage would have been "all y’all," or as we put it in New York where I’m originally from, "youse." Sheesh. Next thing you know, somebody is going to use the term "barbecue" as a verb. If that happens, we’re gonna drop gloves.
Comment by Sue | 11.15.2005 | 2:10 pm
Al–As in your letcherous zombie legs are going to barbeque the next fool who uses a noun as a verb?Botched
Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 11.15.2005 | 2:34 pm
Fatty, I don’t kow which makes my sides hurt more, your "Fake Cycling News Posts" or the comments that get attached to them! Either way, I have a wonderfull read! Y’all doin the commentin’, I just gotta say, if’n you’ns was in Tennessee, y’all would too use Barbeque as a verb! I know this frum ’sperience!
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 11.15.2005 | 3:50 pm
al maviva – quadruple demerit with melted cheese (Velveeta brand: smoooth) on top for trying to give out demerits in my site. are you sure you’re not al haig?a.toad – of course, i would have used the finnish word for "toad" if i remembered it. i’ve lost a lot of fluency in the 18 years since i lived there.