[The below is an excerpt from a new piece I sent in to Cyclingnews.com yesterday. I'll post when the whole story is online.]
Paris, January 1 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) — UCI spokesperson Ririe Anderson today announced that effective immediately, all professional cycling team-building events are banned, pending the establishment of a suitable UCI oversight committee.
“These so-called ‘team-building events’ are distracting from the real purpose of professional cycling,” said Anderson. “Sure, it was actually kind of cool when CSC did that ‘Basic Training’ schtick a couple years ago. Then Discovery did their copycat ‘Hey look, we’re hardcore paintball ninjas’ photo op, and we all just rolled our eyes.”
“But now, pro cycling teams are going too far.”
Prison Break
Anderson is referring, of course, to the expensive, time-consuming, dangerous, and increasingly-flamboyant team-building programs other pro cycling teams have initiated. Team Phonak, for example, has revealed that for its pre-season team-building exercise, the directeur sportif one day told the team they were going to visit a famous landmark in San Francisco, CA, the now-defunct, but famously-inescapable Alcatraz prison.
What he did not tell the team, however, was that he would be leaving them there, and that it would be their own responsibility to break out and make their way across the San Francisco bay back to mainland.
“I was impressed with the team’s resourcefulness in escaping,” said Phonak spokesperson Brad Keyes. “I was also quite amazed at how fully they utilized the equipment they had at hand. Who would have thought that a multi-tool would be so effective at tunneling through cement? Or that a few bike tubes could be used as a passable raft?”
“This exercise also helped us recognize some of our team weaknesses in time to rectify them,” Keyes continued. “For example, there seemed to be some squabbling over who would captain the raft. There was also some concern among teammates as to what kind of message it sends to the world to drop off an entire cycling team at a prison.”
PS: The Banjo Brothers’ Bike Bag Giveaway will be tomorrow, ‘cuz we just barely finished one (you know, the one that I let run for about five days, due to holiday laziness).
Comment by Unknown | 01.4.2006 | 4:02 pm
where do you come up with a lame name like "ririe?" that’s just mean.
Comment by Unknown | 01.4.2006 | 6:12 pm
Yeah, it was all fun and games, until Santiago Botero shanked Óscar Pereiro for a musette bag full of Clif Bars and a pack of smokes.
Comment by Zed | 01.4.2006 | 6:37 pm
Dug, it’s a town in Idaho where backward potato-farming people who don’t know how to use the internet live. As proof of my assertion, none of them will leave comments about how insulted they are by my comment because none of them will actually be on the internet to read it.I had no clue it was Wednesday before I read this blog, but then, I’m far too advanced to be using calendars.
Comment by Robert | 01.4.2006 | 7:00 pm
Ririe sounds like a maiden name that someone used as a middle name. I’m guessing this because my middle name is Geddes.
Comment by Unknown | 01.4.2006 | 7:19 pm
Ririe sounds about right. Hereforward, I shall call dug, Ririe.
Comment by Unknown | 01.4.2006 | 7:21 pm
Wait…would that be ririe? And did anyone else notice that fatty did not call Brad Keyes any funny names?
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 01.4.2006 | 8:31 pm
dug – ri’m rorry. rie ron’t ruse rat rame rany rore.al – man, i wish i hadn’t already turned that article in already. i’d plagiarize that line.caloi – in this case, it’s dug’s own private idaho.bob – i always thought that your middle name was a tribute to the lead singer of rush.rocky – you can call dug ririe, but you have to do it in a scooby-doo voice. ie, "rerro, ririe. rut’s rappenin’?"
Comment by Zed | 01.4.2006 | 9:53 pm
On the subject of psycho preseason team get-togethers (that’s the short name, too), I recently read in ‘23 Days’ about CSC’s 2003-04 training camp in the Canary Islands. They rowed out in the ocean in the middle of the night and tossed Basso (who can’t swim) into the water. The instruction was to get Basso back to shore without using the rubber dingys. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil the suspense by telling you what happens … okay, okay, he lives and goes on to score 3rd place at the Tour. Anyway, I don’t think that Alcatraz thing is too far-fetched. You never know, Phonak might ask you to be their "team event organizer" next year. Couldn’t you just see Floyd saying, "That was brilliant, man!" as he turns up the Pink Floyd on his Ipod?
Comment by Unknown | 01.5.2006 | 12:55 am
Bob did an amazing fatty impersonation.Botched
Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 01.5.2006 | 1:30 am
Fatty, I love these posts! Your fake news never ceases to hit my laugh button!
Comment by Unknown | 01.5.2006 | 2:21 am
I loved Bob’s impersonation of you (and yours of him as well). I laughed out loud when I read the subject was peeing while riding. I couldn’t figure out which guy in the picture had his shorts leg rolled up but I guess I can live without that information.Hugs to you and yours,MuMo
Comment by fatcat1111 | 01.5.2006 | 7:31 pm
I’m a potato farmer, just outside of Boise.
Comment by Zed | 01.5.2006 | 8:09 pm
Yeah, but you’re from Boise, not Ririe. You guys are way more advanced over there.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 01.5.2006 | 10:03 pm
I love it. I’m planning a family vacation and was wondering what theme to apply.