The Wit and Wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler
Is it vain for me to sometimes go back and read some of my favorite Fat Cyclist posts? It is? OK, just checking.
I ask because this past weekend I was engaged in just such a bout of vanity. Among other things, I re-read what is my favorite Fat Cyclist post of all time: An Open Letter to Assos. I continued on to read the comments that have trickled in on it during the past few months.
And that’s when Dr. Michael Lämmler kicked me in the head.
Judging from his comment — which he posted twice, as if to underscore his point — Dr. Michael Lämmler is not amused by my post about Assos. Nor, indeed, is he amused by my blog at all.
The wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler is simply too good to leave buried in the comments section of a months-old post. The whole world needs to read what the good doctor prescribes for me and my blog. Here, then, is what Dr. Lämmler had to say, along with my comments in green, like this.
hello fatguy,
I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened (go figure) to end up on it.
Actually, my little pathetic website is not quite full time. The guy who pays fat biking bloggers to write pathetic websites keeps my hours to a strict 25 per week. That way, he gets around having to pay medical benefits. Anyway, I’m curious: how did you end up on my site? And more importantly, who forced you to stay once you had discovered you didn’t like it here?
I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to.
So, how upset, exactly? Like, do your eyes bug out? Do you begin foaming at the mouth? Do veins pulse visibly on your forehead? Do you write foaming-at-the-mouth comments? And how many people have you shown it to? Could I ask you to please show it to more? Word-of-mouth is by far the most effective form of advertising, after all.
I am just a little european (although I have an american mother) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk.
Seriously? That’s terrible. Why did it take you so long to learn to walk? And when you say you’re a "little" European, do you mean that you’re really little? Like Tom Thumb? I’ll bet your bike is just adorable.
My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point.
I’ll check with my comedian mastermind the next time he drops by. As for myself, nope, I haven’t yet got the point. Are you planning on making one?
My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike.
Well, I’m sure that will come as quite a shock to all the pro racers I know, who have each stated clearly, “I race for a living because it’s so easy.” Also, I’ve got to admit that I spent some time Googling your name, Dr. Lämmler. It turns out that a search on “Dr. Michael Lämmler” yields exactly one result, and it’s not for your pro racing career. If I broaden the search out a little bit, I do find one recent race result. Triathlons, Doctor? For shame.
Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continues to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons.
You know what, Doctor? I take everything I said earlier back. You and I actually have a lot in common. Let’s make up and be friends, okay?
Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called "cyclist" can actually act the way you act.
Hey. I thought we were friends now.
Why do you ride the bike???? Take a piece of paper and write it down!
Is it OK if I just continue writing the reasons in my blog, instead? You know, the way I do pretty much five times a week?
I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat?
Actually, I started because I heard there was big money in pathetic full-time job blog writing. I expect the cash to start rolling in any day now….
You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life (except maybe on some children, mother, pension event), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors?
You mean I’ve got to know all that?!? Hey, nobody told me there was going to be an entrance exam! And don’t you go dissing my children / mother / pension races. I beat that octagenerian and 4-year-old girl fair and square.
The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it?
Mmmmm. Foooooood.
The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless.
You mean apart from the big ol’ speech you’re making here, right?
You are asking the guy "what have you done in your life?", "It’s not easy to be fired?" etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian?
(Note to confused readers: Dr. Lammler is now talking about the career advice I offered Lance Armstrong when he retired last year.) Um, is that a trick question? ‘Cuz I thought it was really obvious that offering career advice to the ultra-successful, ultra-rich, ultra-busy Lance Armstrong as if he were a hard-luck case who had just lost his job at the assembly line would have put me in the “outrageously absurd comedy” category.
I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements (clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level) [Oh, you're just saying that to sound world-weary, right Doctor?] is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it.
I get it. I think everyone gets it. I’m losing interest, Doctor. Pick up the pace a little, would you?
But if you don’t get it, [Hey, I just said I get it!] then a little "fat nothing" should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter.
So, a minute ago, when you asked me whether I’m for real or a comedian, you had already made up your mind that I’m a comedian? OK, that’s fine. But if we both agree that I’m a comedian, then don’t we also agree that saying that Armstrong needs career advice is comic? I don’t get it. Maybe I need some education in the matter.
ASSOS? Luxury Body? Either you get it, or you don’t.
I don’t get it. At all. I’m very excited right now, though, because nobody else seems to get it either. By all means, please explain it!
Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place (although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by "inventing" total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry??
Really? Assos invented cycling clothes? That’s actually really interesting. They should put that in an ad.
The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed.
True enough. But be fair: the way they created their ad is deeply perplexing. And I still don’t know what a Luxury Body is. I am beginning to suspect, however, that you’re the guy who wrote the copy for that ad.
Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body (this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite (regardless of how many kilos you loose) of a luxury body.
I refuse to commit to wanting a luxury body until someone explains to me what a luxury body is. Although, by inference, I’m now beginning to think you at least feel a luxury body is the opposite of a fat cyclist’s body. Which is a fair enough point, but I can’t for the life of me make the connection between one’s body and the type of cycling clothes one should own.
Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian.
What can I say? pathetic, full time job websites don’t pay what they should.
Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”.
Turbulence, indeed. Wow! Though I must admit, the glamour of Assos Chamois Crème was worth every moment of the searing pain I experienced on my spalmed balls.
I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex (others ride the bike) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK! People do actually read your crap.
And it’s a very upsetting experience for each and every one of them.
Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again.
Not even if I ask pretty-please?
sincerely yours,
Dr. Michael Lämmler
PS I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t?
Thank you for your unreserved and heartfelt apology for your Euro English. I accept your apology unconditionally. Let us not speak of it again.
Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it?
If you say so, Doc. Though I’ve gotta say, when I need to work out some rage, I find a nice long bike ride works better.
PS: My "Universal Signs" article — which I excerpted in this blog last week — is now published on Cyclingnews. Click here to read it.
Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 01.16.2006 | 3:55 pm
Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm………….?I zink ve haf no zense of humor, eh Herr Doktor?
Comment by Loes | 01.16.2006 | 3:56 pm
Brilliant.Btw, since that entry on Assos I avoid all their products.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 4:18 pm
Perhaps if we could only learn to get properly spalmed we would finally acheive a luxury body.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 4:23 pm
WE-ARE-BORG-WE-WILL-ASSEM…WE-WILL-ASSOS-WE-ARE-NOT-FAMILIAR-WITH-HUMOR-WE-ARE-BORG.
Comment by Sue | 01.16.2006 | 4:23 pm
They should make Dr. Lammler repeat whatever doctoral level work he did and add a couple months of education concerning satire. Also, if he isn’t smart enough to figure out that piece on carrer advice for Armstrong is nothing but funny, he probably got his degree from one of those "one week Ph.D." programs I get e-mails about.I guess luxury body means something in europe. Ass for me, I’m still perplexed. BotchedP.S. Go see the picture BIG Mike doctored for me for photograph for Occularis Incognitus. I told him I looked just like the assos man only with really huge, ripped legs.Just go to his blog, and then there’s the standard picutre window.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 4:52 pm
Okay, Fat Cyclist, you actually wrote that letter from Dr. Michael Lämmler, right? I mean, no actual human being could so totally lack a sense of humor, could they?
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 4:53 pm
I dunno – maybe I don’t have a luxury body (maybe I do, who knows?) and maybe I don’t have nice fancy Assos cycling clothes . . .but I get to work everyday in sweatpants, an ratty old 49ers sweater, snow gloves, and a headband under my helmet.Go figure.
Comment by tayfuryagci | 01.16.2006 | 5:00 pm
at first I only thought about this: "hmmm food" (I’m hungry it’s almost dinner time)a minute later I was foaming at the mouth and banging on the keyboard shouting like a madman: " WTF IS A LUXURY BODY! WHAT THE ]$$#½{ IS A LUXURY BODY GHRROOOOOOAAAHG!" and now as I see there’s no answer to my question am drifting into an abyss without time and matter. lyrics of an old song in my head"we’re floating in the air…."WTF IS A LUXURY BODY, MAN?!
Comment by craig | 01.16.2006 | 5:04 pm
spalmed balls.
Comment by jim | 01.16.2006 | 5:24 pm
Interesting how a person who seemingly speaks the same language (though he called it Euro English) does not seem to understand any of it.Also…is anyone besides me curious as to how he became a Doctor? A Doctor of what? Didn’t he say that he rides his bike to make a living only to realize that he was not a contender for the Tour. Maybe he is Docotor Obvious for figuring that out.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 5:29 pm
I wouldn’t even know where to start. So much material–so little time. Maybe he’s Dr. Stumble-onto-fact-once-in-awhile. Now we know how to spalm a luxury body, and where the spalm goes. Is Spalm one of Assos descrete product lines?
Comment by Zed | 01.16.2006 | 5:31 pm
Humor lessons from Michele Ferari in order? Maybe we should mail him a copy of Napoleon Dynamite. If he thinks YOUR stuff is ridiculous, imagine how that would go over.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 5:41 pm
This guy is actually pretty smart. He started riding a bike before he could walk, so I presume he was riding by the time he was 2 years old. After riding for only 3 years, he realized he would never win the Tour de France. He figured that out when he was only 5 years old! It took me until I was 17 to realize I would never win the Tour de France. Prost,Chris
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 5:47 pm
Hey Fatty, check this out: http://www.bicirace.com/news/2006/20060116.htmlAbout halfway down the page there is a blurb about Matt Damon and Sarah Jessica Parker starring as Lance and Sheryl in a movie about Lance. I hope they take a close look at your suggestions.Chris
Comment by mhywan | 01.16.2006 | 5:57 pm
I am so jealous fatty. You write funny, and you attract funny people to write back to you! :-)May be Assos should hire you as a marketing strategist. That way they can penetrate the American cycling market much better! Not sure what your day job is but this could be lucrative. What is your day job by the way?On a separate note may be you can help me. Every winter I struggle with flats. I just bought a new tire that is suppose to be puncture-resistant. On exactly the 8th commuting day I got another flat. I am getting sick of this and my garage is now filled with punctured tubes and slashed tires that my wife is getting upset. What should I do? I live just up the I5 from you and commute about 9k one way to work everyday.thanksMark
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 6:22 pm
OK I admit it, the Assos chamois creme actually works for me. Surely this must be a sign of the luxury body! Perhaps the luxury body has the innate ability to withstand the heat of errant spalmings?My initial reaction – similar to Fatty’s – was holy crap I just spalmed my nads with something containing menthol, this can’t be good. Menthol in a chamois creme!?? The initial heat(!) didn’t last very long and once I was riding I didn’t notice it anymore. On subsequent rides I really didn’t notice any heat. It’s nothing like as spalming yourself with Atomic Balm. Don’t ask…My #1 rule for Spalming Cyclists: If you spalm anywhere near your nether regions, and sit on a bike for 1-14 hours you have effectively spalmed your entire nether region. So, I contend that even if, as the good Dr suggests, Fatty had just spalmed his nether most region, he would still have felt the fires down below (unless of course he had a luxury body).
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 7:17 pm
Spalmed… ROTFL. On a long fixie group ride yesterday, a guy told me he spalmed *intentionally* (he didn’t use the term "spalmed’ tho) to take care of saddle sores and lesser abrasions. What, couldn’t he have just found some lampreys, pirhanna or candiru fish to take care of the open sores? It convinced me that fixie riding isn’t really a choice of sporting goods, but is more of an ineluctible wasting disease that rots the mind, akin to syphillis but slightly harder to contract and stick with. As for Dr. Laemmler, your responses were great, but you missed a few opportunities to attack. Here’s what I might have said: >>>>I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to.Well then you should quit showing bicycle magazines to your mom, and leave the apartment once in a while. Or be less simple. >>>>My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living.How green was my valley until it transmogrified into a writhing car crash of a biological mixed metaphor that even David Hasselhof’s agent didn’t understand. >>>>The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it?I’m not sure that’s correct, either on grammar or substance. For instance, my a$$ really hurts right now. I wore a quarter size hole in it last week. I mean it hurts to even just think about how bad it hurts. To be that juicy, dinner would basically have to be two cups of lukewarm melted bacon grease in a sock. That’s pretty juicy, even for me. >>>The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless.Unfortunately, it left your meager writing abilities unhindered. >>>I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t?Yes, while your letter is utterly pointless in German, thankfully, it loses nothing in translation.
Comment by Alex | 01.16.2006 | 7:29 pm
How do you do it? (as it is said in parts of the English speaking parts of the worlds, I believe it)It is with the greatest inquisitiveness that I rarely admire you, spalmed weblogs. Like our e’steamed collage, Dr. Michael Lämmler, my ‘knack’ of writing your chosen language of your mother is not great – it is not the language of mine or of my father.But I write here to remind us of those that might have forgotten and those that have not forgotten, that joking about bad language use is not a laughing bit of matter. It is too easy to joke about this, cheap seats laughs. We have a saying in our language, I trust I translate with precision. It goes: "Language is something understood by those who can speak the language, not by those that cannot. So don’t try it". I hope all us weblogs readers learn from this lesson.A last one thought to take with me and give back to you before we both depart: It does not matter how much your balls weigh in the park, it matters increasingly how they happen to swing in the park.Alohy et und bacco,Zinger Frankswarter.
Comment by Robert | 01.16.2006 | 7:38 pm
Multiple audibles. Really. Just spalm-tastic.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 7:49 pm
well played, an absolute delight!!
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 8:18 pm
The Luxury Body is one level up from the Deluxe Body. The Deluxe Body has the real pubic hair. The Luxury Body, available only in Europe, also has the hairy armpits and legs, with optional balls spalmer
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 8:30 pm
"Fat guy" – you did a great job interpreting a pretty difficult piece of English literature there….sorry to read you’re unlikely to achieve a luxury body.Spalm off and have a great day…-erica
Comment by TIMOTHY | 01.16.2006 | 11:16 pm
Not only am I not sure what a luxury body is, now I’m not sure how to know if I’ve spalmed myself. What are the signs and symptoms? Does one apply a balm to a spalm? Can you spalm a balm or is this only something you can do with a creme? What about a cream? Is spalming your balls instead of your butt considered a sin? Will buying Assos chamois creme really add some glamour to my life? Oh lord, I’m so confused.
Comment by Unknown | 01.16.2006 | 11:35 pm
He learned to ride before he could walk.More obviously, he learned to write before he learned to think.What a BIG TIME loser/spalmer is the Dr. Michael Lämmler alias Dr. Dummschwallen. Er ist ein schlechtes verdammter Schweinehund.Perhaps he would wish to share with us HIS body of work, especially the humor part? Scheiße und Leber!Al… WAY TO GO! (and Alex as well… and a lot of others…)Great blog, great laughs… same old same old… hahahahahahahahahahahaha!Hugs,MuMo
Comment by Kelly | 01.16.2006 | 11:35 pm
Elden, Could you give us nobody-bloggers tips on how we, too, can receive excellent letters from disgruntled readers? I can’t wait till I get my first one! I’m thinking of putting up my e-mail addy for them to make it easier. (Right…. the freaky ones have already looked me up and asked for a date. My hubby is so proud.)You don’t make money from this fab blog of yours? I’m a little confounded now. That ruins my plan to quit teaching and blog full time. Oh, well. I know that money can’t buy happiness. It can, however, rent it.Happy renting.Kelly
Comment by Andrew | 01.16.2006 | 11:49 pm
Doof da boofen, Ja? Und das keinlie doktor gundegedrechenschthule. "You have a beautiful mind, but your hair is on fire".
Comment by Bryn | 01.17.2006 | 12:26 am
Simply put, this guys a wanker! Not one piece of whatever he was trying to say made sense. It sounds as though he has something to do with Assos! I’m pretty sure he’ll come back and see this little post abput himself on his favourite website. And seriously, how couldn’t he have known that Lance article was a joke. Im gonna go and see what research i can do on this guy, i seriously doubt he was ever a professional rider, if i find anything interesting enough, ill let u all know.
Comment by Unknown | 01.17.2006 | 12:50 am
what a grump this guy is. how can you survive life without some sense of humor?!by the way, if you search on "Lämmler micheal" i think there are a few bike races that he participated in, but nothing to suggest that he should have even considered the possibility he could participate in, let alone "win", the tour de france.sour grapes, a mon avisSE
Comment by Ariane | 01.17.2006 | 1:36 am
Dr. Lämmler–Vielleicht du kannst meine Grammar auch verzeihen. Ich hoffe, daß Sie scherzten. Wenn nicht, dann du bist total fehl am Platz. Find ich deine Reaktion ganz kindisch. Wie kann Man kritisieren fatty für sein Blog (es ist "Pathetic," und er ist respektlos) und dann, im gleichen Atem, spricht, so frech, von "spalming balls"?? Ich finde, daß es DU ist, das pathetisch und respektlos ist. War es nicht DU das herkam mit deine Meinung über Fatty und seine Leser zu erzwingen? Du würdest nicht gefragt zu herkommen. Fatty ging nicht zu deine Seite, ganz voll von Mißbrauch für dich. Und, übrigens, niemand erzwingt Sie dieses zu lesen. Du musst es wissen, daß er verspottete sie weil sie sind recht teuer, und weil seine Werbung war dumm. Es scheint daß du denkst es war denn sie sind europäischen. Daß ist auch ohne Sinn. Bitte nicht so unfair und eilend im Zukunft bist.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 01.17.2006 | 2:33 am
Spalm – maybe it’s a cross between a spoon and a palm, thus you spoon out the Assos bum juice using your palm spoon. Similar to a spoodle that we use at the pizza shop which is a cross between a spoon and a ladle.Either that or it relates to my first true love, Mrs Palmer. Maybe I’m gay and Mrs Palmer is really Mr Spalmer. Who can tell anymore?
Comment by Unknown | 01.17.2006 | 2:39 am
Lieber Dr Lammler,Sie sollten mit Deutschem wirklich bleiben; Ihr Englisch entsetzt.
Comment by Big Guy on a Bicycle | 01.17.2006 | 3:43 am
Fatty,It was only a matter of time. You have gotten so popular that the Europeans have had to fire warning shots across your proverbial bow (it is only proberbial, right? You don’t actually have one, do you?).I am a little surprised that they pick the much esteemed (sarcastic-speak for "unknown crank") Herr Dockor to do their dirty work, considering your standing among American fat cycling bloggers (BTW, my fealty check will be in tomorrow’s mail – sorry for the delay). I would have expected Jean Marie LeBlanc to get the nod, or maybe even Manolo Saiz, but I guess they only wanted to let you off with a simple wrist slap and a warning this time.It is my sincere hope that you take this admonishment seriously, as this little skirmish you’ve started has the potential to cause grave consequences among …I’m sorry, I actually slipped off of my chair with an uncontrollable case of the giggles there. Took me a minute to get my composure back. Where was I? Oh yeah, well, you get the gist.Didn’t Lammer star in "Dr. Strangebike: or How I Stopped Worrying And Learned To Love The Luxury Body"? No? Oh, I just heard that somewhere.
Comment by bradley | 01.17.2006 | 3:50 am
I’d show you my luxury body, but I’d have to kill you afterwards because not only would the secret be out, but I don’t think my wife would appreciate it. I do, however, get to see her luxury body, and it kills me!
Comment by Bryn | 01.17.2006 | 9:11 am
I did a little research. Though im not 100% sure, id say its likely considering the number of veterinary pages that displayed upon entering his name on google, that our very humorous Dr Michael Lammler, is actually a Veterinary doctor, not to say anything about Vets, but a doctor is a doctor, that is a medical doctor, Mr Lammler, is not such a doctor. I too agree with spinecho, with the fact that this guy didnt really ever have a chance of ever winning his local friday night crits let alone the tour. At least he can be happy now that his name most probably got more entries on google today than Lance did, who am i kidding!
Comment by barry1021 | 01.17.2006 | 2:22 pm
I retract my previous post. Its an insult to all good Germans to lump them in with Herr Doktor Doolittle.
Comment by errrrrk | 01.17.2006 | 7:49 pm
I am not quite as clever as the rest of your fellow commentors, but I wanted to say that I truly enjoy your blog. I read it almost every day and tell everyone I can about the Fat Cyclist. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at an entry as I did in reading your Open Letter to Assos. I tried to read it to someone, but kept collapsing in giggles before I could get more than one or two sentences out. You’re hysterical and I certainly enjoy your brand of humor. Not that you need any additional encouragement, but please keep it coming.
Comment by Unknown | 01.18.2006 | 2:15 am
Comment by Unknown | 01.18.2006 | 2:18 am
Oh, dear. Apparently I had a sudden unintelligence incident and hit "publish" too early for that last comment. Sorry about that.Anyhow, I just wanted to say that your "Open Letter to Assos" was my favorite entry of yours too.Until this one. Can women spalm themselves, or is that a guy thing?
Comment by Ashbygirls | 01.18.2006 | 2:38 pm
Wow. That guy is crazy.And while I couldn’t understand most of A.Toad’s comment, I did like the part where she said "uber Fatty".
Comment by Tong | 01.19.2006 | 2:12 am
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Comment by Christina | 01.25.2006 | 11:25 pm
Was that a real email? If it was, I find it hard to believe that people are taking your satire seriously and angrily. Have they never heard of satire or even just a general sense of humor? Jokes perhaps? I thought humor was more universal than that. Don’t change what you do on this blog. It’s great just as it is. -BM
Comment by Unknown | 02.10.2006 | 3:24 pm
Geez-what’s got his lycra in a twist? Why the heck do you need to know the history of biking to ride a bike? You’ve got a great blog, thanks for sharing! And Dr. Lammler? (who we all know is reading these comments) Dude, you’re a joke, get a life.