Is it vain for me to sometimes go back and read some of my favorite Fat Cyclist posts? It is? OK, just checking.

I ask because this past weekend I was engaged in just such a bout of vanity. Among other things, I re-read what is my favorite Fat Cyclist post of all time: An Open Letter to Assos. I continued on to read the comments that have trickled in on it during the past few months.

And that’s when Dr. Michael Lämmler kicked me in the head.

Judging from his comment — which he posted twice, as if to underscore his point — Dr. Michael Lämmler is not amused by my post about Assos. Nor, indeed, is he amused by my blog at all.

The wisdom of Dr. Michael Lämmler is simply too good to leave buried in the comments section of a months-old post. The whole world needs to read what the good doctor prescribes for me and my blog. Here, then, is what Dr. Lämmler had to say, along with my comments in green, like this.

hello fatguy,

I want to make it very clear that I do not follow your little pathetic, full time job website but happened (go figure) to end up on it.

Actually, my little pathetic website is not quite full time. The guy who pays fat biking bloggers to write pathetic websites keeps my hours to a strict 25 per week. That way, he gets around having to pay medical benefits. Anyway, I’m curious: how did you end up on my site? And more importantly, who forced you to stay once you had discovered you didn’t like it here?

I write to you because the content of your page simply upsets me and all the people I have shown it to.

So, how upset, exactly? Like, do your eyes bug out? Do you begin foaming at the mouth? Do veins pulse visibly on your forehead? Do you write foaming-at-the-mouth comments? And how many people have you shown it to? Could I ask you to please show it to more? Word-of-mouth is by far the most effective form of advertising, after all.

I am just a little european (although I have an american mother) ex – elite rider who has been riding the bike before I could actually walk.

Seriously? That’s terrible. Why did it take you so long to learn to walk? And when you say you’re a "little" European, do you mean that you’re really little? Like Tom Thumb? I’ll bet your bike is just adorable.

My english is not perfect but I hope your comedian mastermind this time around might actually get the point. 

I’ll check with my comedian mastermind the next time he drops by. As for myself, nope, I haven’t yet got the point. Are you planning on making one?

My bike was my playground and evolved into my tool of making a living. This lasted 3 years until I realized I will never win a tour de france and that there actually is an easier way of making a living then racing my bike.

Well, I’m sure that will come as quite a shock to all the pro racers I know, who have each stated clearly, “I race for a living because it’s so easy.” Also, I’ve got to admit that I spent some time Googling your name, Dr. Lämmler. It turns out that a search on “Dr. Michael Lämmler” yields exactly one result, and it’s not for your pro racing career. If I broaden the search out a little bit, I do find one recent race result. Triathlons, Doctor? For shame.

Now and for the last 16 years I ride the bike for quality of life reasons, because I love the bike, because the sport continues to fascinate me, because I enjoy suffering, because it keeps my mind and body in shape, because the technology and evolution fascinates me, because it lets me get away from my “business day” and last but not least cardio reasons.

You know what, Doctor? I take everything I said earlier back. You and I actually have a lot in common. Let’s make up and be friends, okay?

Why I take the time to write to you is because the way you are talking about people and companies is completely out of line. Your sarcasm is not funny but instead embarrassing to the US cycling community that a so called "cyclist" can actually act the way you act.

Hey. I thought we were friends now.

Why do you ride the bike???? Take a piece of paper and write it down!

Is it OK if I just continue writing the reasons in my blog, instead? You know, the way I do pretty much five times a week?

I bet you started a few years ago because somebody told you that cycling is the best way to loose your fat?

Actually, I started because I heard there was big money in pathetic full-time job blog writing. I expect the cash to start rolling in any day now….

You have a complete lack of cycling cultural background, never raced in your life (except maybe on some children, mother, pension event), knows nothing about the history of cycling, how it evolved, the industry, who were the actors?

You mean I’ve got to know all that?!? Hey, nobody told me there was going to be an entrance exam! And don’t you go dissing my children / mother / pension races. I beat that octagenerian and 4-year-old girl fair and square.

The maximum level of suffer you have experienced on the bike equals having to skip a nice juicy dinner, isn’t it? 

Mmmmm. Foooooood.

The disrespect you have shown in regards to Mr. Armstrong leaves me speechless.

You mean apart from the big ol’ speech you’re making here, right?

You are asking the guy "what have you done in your life?", "It’s not easy to be fired?" etc. etc. ARE YOU FOR REAL or a comedian?

(Note to confused readers: Dr. Lammler is now talking about the career advice I offered Lance Armstrong when he retired last year.) Um, is that a trick question? ‘Cuz I thought it was really obvious that offering career advice to the ultra-successful, ultra-rich, ultra-busy Lance Armstrong as if he were a hard-luck case who had just lost his job at the assembly line would have put me in the “outrageously absurd comedy” category.

I am not an Armstrong fan and probably you don’t find many Armstrong fans in europe, o.k. but regardless of his personality the physical achievements (clean or not clean does not matter anymore at that level) [Oh, you're just saying that to sound world-weary, right Doctor?] is simply worth admiration and is earned respect. Why? Well either you are a cyclist and you get it or you simply don’t get it.

I get it. I think everyone gets it. I’m losing interest, Doctor. Pick up the pace a little, would you?

But if you don’t get it, [Hey, I just said I get it!] then a little "fat nothing" should keep his mouth shut and instead of trying to be a comedian you should educate yourself in the matter.

So, a minute ago, when you asked me whether I’m for real or a comedian, you had already made up your mind that I’m a comedian? OK, that’s fine. But if we both agree that I’m a comedian, then don’t we also agree that saying that Armstrong needs career advice is comic? I don’t get it. Maybe I need some education in the matter.

ASSOS? Luxury Body? Either you get it, or you don’t.

I don’t get it. At all. I’m very excited right now, though, because nobody else seems to get it either. By all means, please explain it!

Do you realize that it is this little Swiss company who made it possible in the first place (although I am pretty sure this was not the company’s objective), for fat people like yourself to be able to stay on a bike for more then 2 hours by "inventing" total comfort cycling apparel over half a century ago and has revolutionized an entire industry??

Really? Assos invented cycling clothes? That’s actually really interesting. They should put that in an ad.

The way you analyzed their ad simply shows that you are deeply perplexed.

True enough. But be fair: the way they created their ad is deeply perplexing. And I still don’t know what a Luxury Body is. I am beginning to suspect, however, that you’re the guy who wrote the copy for that ad.

Deep in your mind you would love to have a luxury body (this is the reason why YOU are riding the bicycle), but when you look in the mirror all you see is the exact opposite (regardless of how many kilos you loose) of a luxury body.

I refuse to commit to wanting a luxury body until someone explains to me what a luxury body is. Although, by inference, I’m now beginning to think you at least feel a luxury body is the opposite of a fat cyclist’s body. Which is a fair enough point, but I can’t for the life of me make the connection between one’s body and the type of cycling clothes one should own.

Then you would like to buy some Assos luxury body gear but you can’t afford it because you are sitting in front of your computer all day long trying to be a comedian.

What can I say? pathetic, full time job websites don’t pay what they should.

Then you had a little money left and were able to buy an ASSOS chamois creme, get a little glamour in your life; but not being cycling educated, you spalmed it on your balls instead of your butt and this created even more, additional turbulence in your little “genius mind”.

Turbulence, indeed. Wow! Though I must admit, the glamour of Assos Chamois Crème was worth every moment of the searing pain I experienced on my spalmed balls.

I understand that writing might be a valve, a strategy to let go the frustration and complex (others ride the bike) you are facing in your life, but please, next time before you are using your webpage to do so – THINK! People do actually read your crap.

And it’s a very upsetting experience for each and every one of them.

Don’t bather answering, I am not visiting your little paradise again.

Not even if I ask pretty-please?

sincerely yours,

Dr. Michael Lämmler

PS    I apologize for my euro english but writing my message to you in german would be pointless, wouldn’t?

Thank you for your unreserved and heartfelt apology for your Euro English. I accept your apology unconditionally. Let us not speak of it again.

Oh by the way, now I feel so much better, yes writing helps doesn’t it?

If you say so, Doc. Though I’ve gotta say, when I need to work out some rage, I find a nice long bike ride works better.

PS: My "Universal Signs" article — which I excerpted in this blog last week — is now published on Cyclingnews. Click here to read it.

Right now, I am learning what I have learned many times before: the first week of a diet is incredibly difficult. First, it’s tough because I’m constantly having to override my grazing instinct. Several times each evening (and during the whole day during the weekend), both before and after dinner, I find myself standing in front of the pantry or fridge. I’ve got the door open and am automatically scanning for something to throw in my mouth.

Second, it’s tough because I have to get used to not always feeling full, and that includes at bedtime. And while I get used to that feeling, I have a hard time sleeping. And I get grouchy. I’ve got to watch what I say, to coworkers, to my wife, and to my kids. Keep the brain-to-mouth filter turned up to 11, and maybe install a backup filter, just in case the first one fails.

I do know one thing: my diet does work for me, when I follow it. I lose weight, at a reasonable rate, without losing power on the bike. Here are the essentials:

Strictness

Ordinarily, I am incredible at rationalizing. I’m good at coming up with a reason why it’s OK for me to go out to eat because I haven’t seen this friend in at least a couple weeks. Or that it’s OK for me to eat a handful of pretzels because they’ve got no fat in them. If I want to lose weight, though, I need to have a couple absolutes:

• No grazing. At all. I know that once I start, I don’t stop. I eat during my mealtimes (of which there are 5 daily)
• Weigh myself every morning. Especially the mornings following a day when I screwed up. I say to myself, “Oh, it’ll just depress me; I’ll skip today so I don’t have to see what the spike in weight was.” Well, now it’s important to see what kind of damage I’ve done, so I don’t go doing it again.

Food

I base my diet primarily on a few principles:

• I will continue to eat lots of carbohydrates; they’re what I like best and they keep me strong on the bike.
• If I eat five servings of raw fruits and vegetables daily, everything else pretty much takes care of itself.
• I don’t measure out quantities; I know how much is reasonable.
• Pasta is my friend. Just don’t use rich sauces.
• In fact, don’t eat anything rich. It’s not so much calories that are the enemy as the concentration of calories.

I don’t have lots of foods that are crossed off my list of things that are OK to eat. But I do keep the fridge and pantry stocked with a few things that I like:

• Dannon Light ‘n Fit Yogurt: I’ve eaten this kind of yogurt for more than a year: no fat, only 90 calories. Last week, Dannon mailed (yes, mailed) me some samples of their new version of this kind of yogurt: now it has only 60 calories, and it tastes even better. I’m a big fan of the vanilla, peach, and blueberry flavors. This new version isn’t available in stores yet (it will be later this month), so I’m hoarding my stash.
• Whole grain breads: One of my favorite foods in the world is Great Harvest’s white bread. Whole grain’s better for you, though; I’m off the white, and onto the wheat.
• Grapefruit: I don’t understand why, but I’ve discovered that if I eat a grapefruit at night, I’m not as hungry the rest of the night and don’t have the graze instinct quite as bad. Also, grapefruit is one of my very favorite foods in the world.
• Pasta + cottage cheese + lots and lots and lots of ground pepper: I could eat this every day, and when I’m dieting, often do. Carbs, protein, calcium, not much fat. Lots of bulk without much penalty.
• Fiber 1: For breakfast. It does its job.
• Water, water, water: Half a gallon of it, every day. Every diet I’ve ever seen includes lots of water as part of the program, and cyclists need to train their bodies to be good at drinking lots of water to stay hydrated.
• Apples: Golden Delicious and Jonagolds are my favorite. I can and do eat two or three apples per day. The weird thing is, apples seem to make me hungrier. I still like them, though.
• Bananas: Nature’s Twinkies. Genius bike builder and noted vegan Matt Chester eats around twenty of these per day. And he sleeps on a bed of leaves.
• Carrots: Every time you eat a carrot, you lose an ounce. It’s a well known fact, which I just made up.
• Mushrooms: Wash the manure off first, though.
• Peppers: Yellow peppers taste more like a fruit than a vegetable.
• Tuna: Add fat-free mayo, mustard, and pickle relish, put on a rice cake, and completely blacken it with ground pepper and you’ve got a meal that’s very nearly tolerable.

I Will Never Gain This Weight Again

As I go through this first week of dieting (last week was also the first week, but it didn’t work out so well), I keep finding myself saying, “When I finally get to my target weight, I’m never going to put this weight on again.”

This, I know, is a lie. I fully expect this year to hit my target weight — 150 — but will almost certainly hit 170 again within 18 months. Or within six months, if I’m going to be honest with myself (which I am not). I am a human yoyo.

But it is my intention to be one hell of a fast yoyo this summer.

Grace Period

I used to post my weight daily on this site, and beginning February 1, I will do so again. I’m giving myself the month of January to lose weight in private, as an extra incentive. Basically, knowing that I’ve got to go public with whatever weight I’m at in February is a huge motivator to get back down to something a little less embarrassing.

Banjo Brothers Bike Bag Contest Winner

There were lots of good confessions in this week’s contest. The truth is, though, this time it was easy for me to pick one, because it seems like Craig reached right into my head and pulled out a lie I use every year:

OK, so I’m not losing weight as fast as I thought. But, that’s OK. Training with this extra 30 pounds later into the spring will only ultimately increase my power. So when I do lose that extra weight and finally look like Rasmussen, I will be “climber extraordinaire.”

Ballooning up like I’m pregnant every fall is part of my power-building training plan. 

Congratulations, Craig. Email me with your address and whether you want the messenger bag or pannier setup.

Bonus Awesome Present from Awesome Sister

My sister Lori, who is a well-known artist, and writes an excellent blog of her own, just sent me what is immediately my favorite new jersey. Check this out:

Perfect cool-weather long-sleeved jersey (which, for my morning rides, is 9 months out of the year here), with big pockets in the back. Very bright and visible on the road, with a Brooklyn cool factor I don’t even come close to deserving.

I’ve never had sports heroes. I don’t care about watching baseball, football, or basketball. Even when I became interested in cycling, I didn’t idolize anyone. Sure, I was impressed with Armstrong, but he was never my hero.

But when I started reading Tyler Hamilton’s column in Velonews, along with his diary entries in the Tour de France, I became a fan. He’s the toughest, nicest guy in the professional biking world, and there’s nobody in the world I’d rather ride with.

Then, in stage 16 of the 2003 Tour de France, when he pushed through the pain of a busted collarbone to do a solo 200Km mountain stage win, he became my hero.

A few days later, I snapped the saddle off my seatpost in the final quarter of the Brian Head 100 — a 100-mile mountain bike race — with 20 miles of climbing still ahead of me. I kept going — standing, cramping, suffering — chanting to myself in time to my pedalstrokes: “Ty. Ler. Would. Not. Quit.”

Today

Today is Tyler Hamilton’s appeal to the Court of Arbitration for Sport, trying to overturn the doping allegation. The logical part of me knows that it’s possible he’s guilty, but — and this is rare in me — my gut says he’s innocent. I just can’t believe that the nicest, toughest guy in pro cycling would cheat.

I know that sounds naïve. Fine, I’m naïve. But I desperately hope Tyler’s successful in his appeal.

I want to watch my hero race again.