Lance and Sheryl Split: Cycling World Dutifully Professes Shock, Sorrow, Disappointment
AUSTIN, TX (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) — Members of the Discovery Cycling Team claim to be saddened by the news released to People Magazine last Friday, that Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow have broken off their engagement.
Said a racer who wished to remain anonymous, “I am deeply sorry for Lance and Sheryl, and send them my best — albeit anonymous — wishes during this difficult time for them. I am also deeply sorry that this means OLN’s coverage — if it even covers the Tour de France, now that Lance is gone — will have to be about the race and riders, instead of hobnobbing on-camera with some pop star who has exactly two interesting songs in her entire catalog.”
Said Johan Bruyneel, Directeur Sportif for Team Discovery, “Lance and I are very close, and so it breaks my heart to know that he and Sheryl are no longer together. And while part of me is relieved that we won’t have the security nightmare that comes with having both a biking and a rock celebrity touring with us, not to mention the way they’re always demanding a better room, asking for organic vegetables, bringing their entourage and near-infinite quantities of luggage from city to city, and….”
Bruyneel paused to collect his thoughts, then continued. “Um, as I was saying, I’m very disappointed Sheryl won’t be along for the Tour this year.”
Armstrong’s Publicist Reacts
“Lance is very careful to separate his personal relationships from his professional life,” said Armstrong’s spokesperson. “Take, for example, his first book, It’s Not About the Bike. Why, he barely mentioned his (now former) wife in that book. And with Sheryl, he’s been very private about that relationship all along. You hardly even knew they were together. I mean, it’s not like he went on Oprah and proclaimed his love for Sheryl there or anything.”
“So,” continued the publicist, “when Lance and Sheryl ask we respect their privacy during this difficult time, it’s of course quite reasonable that you do so, since they have never, to this point, beaten you over the head relentlessly with the fact that they’re dating by appearing on TV constantly together and having photo op after photo op together and writing, producing and performing love songs about each other and doing these strange combo bike ride / soft-rock concert events that scream, ‘We’re one of the most public couples in the entire freaking universe!’”
“They have always been private people,” the publicist concluded. “Please let them continue to be private during this difficult hour.”
Ullrich’s Sympathies
Jan Ullrich, whom Armstrong has consistently identified as his greatest TdF rival, also conveyed his regrets. “As a racer who has also struggled with relationship difficulties, I can understand how difficult a time this must be for Lance,” said Ullrich. “What I cannot understand is how he always manages to have his breakups in the off-season, even after he’s retired from racing. Man, that guy is truly disciplined.”
“I must ask, however,” continued Ullrich, “Why couldn’t he have had that breakup late last June?”
Every Cyclist In The Universe Comments
Cyclists throughout the world did their level best to express something besides ambivalence about Armstrong’s breakup. According to every cyclist currently living, “Armstrong’s a great racer, but he’s no longer racing. I actually don’t care even a little bit about whether he marries or not. In fact, the only way this shocking revelation could be interesting to me would be if Armstrong decided to fill the hole in his life with another TdF. You think he might do that?”
“No, that’s just silly,” the collective cycling universe said to itself. “Armstrong would never tease us in that way. He’s not the kind of guy who would say, ‘Maybe I’ll race this year, maybe I won’t.’ Or, ‘I’m retired, but maybe I’ll come out of retirement. No, no I won’t.’”
Movie Implications
A spokesperson for Sony Pictures, which is producing the Lance Armstrong Movie, said that this turn of events does not impact the planned film at all.
“We’re going with the film just as we always have,” the studio representative said. “In fact, in some ways this event gives our next steps some clarity. We had planned to combine the Kristin years with the Sheryl years, kind of blurring the two people into one. This now makes better sense than ever.”
“The only way we’ll tweak the generic wife / girlfriend character is,” continued the spokesperson, “we no longer plan to give her a name, or any speaking lines. Considering that this film won’t be out for at least another eighteen months, I think that’s the prudent course.”
“We have yet to decide,” finished the spokesperson, “Whether to pixelate her face.”
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Today’s weight: 171.6. Hmm. That’s not the right direction. I need to step things up.
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 5:03 pm
must admit, i am as interested in lance and sheryl as i was in tyler’s dog.
remember, by the way, how weight balloons during the weekend? don’t get down, just drink coffee.
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 6:15 pm
Any mention of Hincapie’s antics with hat pins and Bic lighters, and the Sheryl Crow look-alike voodoo doll that he keeps in his briefcase-sized "Portable Shrine to Lance"?
In truth, the only person really fit for Lance is… Lance. Some would say an Armstrong/Armstrong marriage would be legally problematic, but think he could marry himself in Vermont, where they allow that sort of thing. Hey, it would be the right move. The only lasting relationship, is a marriage to the person you love the most.
Comment by Tyler | 02.6.2006 | 6:27 pm
Unfortunately, rigorous testing showed Ms. Crow’s V02 max to be only 4L/min, and she could only sustain approximately 350 watts for the duration of a long time-trial.
Comment by mhywan | 02.6.2006 | 6:30 pm
I am as interested in "the couple" as I was interested in your weight right now. :-)That said can you get more relevant or non-US content for us non-Americans to click thru?
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 7:27 pm
Can anyone identify the exact moment Lance became a caricature? As with Bon Jovi, I am now ashamed I used to be a fan of Lance. I’m still amazed by his cycling accomplishments, but. . .
Botched
P.S. Suddenly I understand your evil plan.
Comment by Jsun | 02.6.2006 | 8:06 pm
Re: Lance and Sheryl
No comment
another cyclist’s view
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 02.6.2006 | 10:29 pm
dug – i still grieve over the loss of tyler’s dog.
al – lance did not have a comment on your comments. this may be because i did not contact him for comments.
argentius – i believe it also had to do with his insistence that she pull for 95% of their casual rides together, after which he would rocket past for the win, arms high in the air.
botched – i’m pretty sure it was last year at the TdF. sheryl shouldn’t have had such a high profile there. it just seemed weird.
j-sun – a comment stating you have no comment? pardon me while my head explodes.
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 10:48 pm
Money? Jackpot?! Wha..?
Doh! Gotta catch up on the old bloggie here…
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 11:06 pm
It was clear that the title of his first book was apt. It’s Not About the Bike should have had the following in its acknowledgements:
"It’s truly not about the bike. It’s an inanimate object powered by me. That’s what it’s really about–ME."
Plus, Lance probably woke one morning when Ms. Crowe was not wearing her soft focus lens and just freaked out. Or maybe he finally listened to her "music."
Comment by Unknown | 02.6.2006 | 11:14 pm
Al Malviva- well said! (And Fatty, very well-written, funny, etc.)
No one here seems very intrigued by the couple, less so by the break up. Is that true? Are we telling each other the truth or attempting to avoid the label of ‘gossip follower’?
Sure, who cares about a rock star (and I use that term loosely) and athlete hooking up, but what about the rarely seen ‘tender’ side of Lance? The loving boyfriend who not only rides well but sings on cue (and shockkingly, note) when his girl bids him from the audience on stage? Lovely Lance of affectionate hugs and tender butt patting? True, I would rather pander after Brad and Angelina any day, but there must be someone out there who’ll ‘fess up to buying US Weekly ‘cuz Lance was on the cover, looking doey eyed and hapless over the Crowster….
Comment by Juliet | 02.7.2006 | 1:23 am
Sheryl who?
Anyway – somehow the ads dont show up when I am on your blog site – why?
Comment by TIMOTHY | 02.7.2006 | 2:09 am
My wife has insisted all along that Sheryl is a "WHORE" (Pronounced "Who-are"). Perhaps she was right…besides who can blame her for breaking up with Lance – he probably gained like, 4 1/2 lbs since he stopped racing. Really let himself go I’m sure…
Comment by Unknown | 02.7.2006 | 3:19 am
Hey Fatty…Go here and scroll to see "Luxury Body" redefined
Comment by Jill | 02.7.2006 | 5:50 am
My boyfriend is secretly in love with Sheryl. So, in theory, this could work out very well for both of us. (Is Lance still rich?)
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.7.2006 | 12:11 pm
I suspect that this is just a publicity stunt. Nothing but a thinly veiled attempt to wrestle front page market share away from the Brangelina juggernaut.
Comment by TIMOTHY | 02.7.2006 | 10:34 pm
Hey Fatty…Go here and scroll to see "Luxury Body" redefined
Published By (no name)
Boy, you ain’t kidding! However this raises a new question – this some of the ad copy:
After mastering the women’s cycling shorts, Assos devoted its time and resources in developing the most technical cycling winter tights for women. We are excited to introduce a women-specific winter cycling tight that lives up to the Assos name! Keep in mind that the overall design was engineered for comfort, support and warmth.
They say those tights are designed for "support", but near as I can see the only things on that model that require any support are being supported by her hands. I don’t think she can ride in that position!
Comment by Burra King | 02.7.2006 | 10:43 pm
Mmmmm, my kind of luxury body!
Comment by Sue | 02.8.2006 | 2:58 am
What do I need to do to get randomly chosen? I swear if I get the money, every penny is going to my new road bike that is on lay-away!
Botched
P.S. COMEON DADDY NEEDS A NEW BIKE!
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 02.8.2006 | 3:12 am
botched – really, it’s easy. on the day i give the payout, you just need to predict which number http://www.random.org/nform.html will spit out, and then make sure your comment holds that place. a smart guy like you should have no problem with that at all. how difficult could random.org be to hack, anyway?
Comment by Unknown | 02.12.2006 | 5:14 pm
I followed the link to the Sony pictures site. I hope my missive on how I was inspired to ride in tall black socks will become an important part of the Lance movie, although I realize the complexities of the emotional themes will be difficult to show on screen.