An Unfounded, Outrageous Claim
This post has been moved to FatCyclist.com.
Advice for Sponsors of Professional Bike Teams
Professional road cycling teams owe their very existence to their sponsoring companies. Consider: what would Team Discovery Channel be without the Discovery Channel? What would Team T-Mobile be without T-Mobile? What would Team CSC be without CSC?
Broke and nameless, that’s what they’d be.
Sadly, however, most sponsoring companies take what is a golden marketing opportunity and squander it, doing only the most pedestrian things imaginable with their branding: put the company name on the jersey, name the team after the company, paint the bike in the company colors.
Ho hum.
As a highly respected, extremely authoritative expert on both biking and marketing, I hereby offer the following advice to the companies sponsoring professional cycling teams in order to get more bang for their buck.
Team Discovery Channel
Let’s go with the easy one first. One way in which Discovery Channel could profit from their sponsorship of Team Discovery Channel would be to show Team Discovery Channel on the Discovery Channel. For example, if Team Discovery Channel were to participate in a race, the Discovery Channel could televise that race. Furthermore, they could theoretically have a show demonstrating how a professional team trains together and builds a strategy for winning a race. I know this is a crazy idea, but think about it: it’d be like reality TV, except it would actually be about reality!
Or they could just keep showing Crocodile Hunter reruns five krazillion times per day. I know I never get sick of that show.
Team T-Mobile
Team T-Mobile should take advantage of their technology connection. You know how cyclists always have headsets they use to stay in touch with the team director? Team T-Mobile should ditch those wired, clunky pieces of junk in favor of Bluetooth headsets and mobile phones. And then T-Mobile should have auctions / raffles / contests wherein the winner gets to call Jan for two minutes during a Tour stage. I know exactly what I’d say: “Dude! I totally don’t speak German!”
Team CSC
CSC could better benefit from its sponsorship of Team CSC by making it possible to tell what they actually do. Seriously, until just this moment I really had no idea what CSC does. A quick Google search (I am now unemployed and so no longer feel guilt about using Google) reveals they are a Consulting, Services Integration, and Outsourcing company. Which helps a lot, because now I … really have no idea what they do.
Perhaps that’s what the cyclists on Team CSC could do: be plain-English ambassadors for CSC. The next time Ivan Basso wins a Tour stage, for example, he could say, “I’d like to thank my sponsor, CSC, which basically helps large companies solve their IT challenges, among other things.”
And then he could explain why they’re a Danish team, what with the company being based in El Segundo, California and all.
Liquigas-Bianchi
Liquigas-Bianchi should pour all their marketing dollars into one simple objective: paying Phil Liggett whatever it takes to get him to stop pronouncing “Liquigas” as “Leaky Gas.” In truth, I do not know whether that’s the correct pronunciation. If it is, they may want to spend a little extra money on changing their name.
Quick aside: Was I the only one who loved the Bianchi jerseys when they first picked up the Coast team? Simple, golden-era design, clean and bold, no clutter whatsoever. I wish I had one of those jerseys.
Illes Balears-Caisse d’Epargne
I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do for you until you shorten your name.
Other Ideas
This was just a small sample of how Pro Tour sponsors could leverage their team relationships. What a sponsoring company really needs, though, is to sponsor a blogger to follow a team around for the Tour de France, writing all about their team’s efforts and successes in an off-the-cuff, irreverent manner that doesn’t come across as more marketing hype.
Gee, I wonder where you could find a blogger like that.
PS: Yesterday Was Quite a Day
OK, now for a little what-happened-in-my-life stuff. Here are some of the things that happened yesterday. I am not making any of them up.
- I became unemployed: Yesterday was my last day at Microsoft. I’m going to miss that place. Here’s the “going away” letter I sent to coworkers:
Hi,
You’d better sit down for this.
You’re already sitting? Well, that’s to be expected, I suppose, since you’re reading email.
I’m leaving Microsoft. Today is my last day.
I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself.
Are you OK now? I’ll continue then.
Next week, I’m starting at Burton Group, based in Midvale, UT. It’s an interesting job and puts me closer to family. It also — and this is not trivial — puts me smack-dab-middle in some of the best mountain biking in the whole world.
And yet, I will miss Microsoft and Washington. I will miss working with the top-notch people at this company, many of which are nearly as smart as I am. I will miss the trees, each of which I have given a name. I will miss having my phone synchronize with Outlook seamlessly and elegantly. I will miss the company store. I will miss the salad bar in building 36. I will miss the soft-serve ice cream dispenser in building 36 even more.
Oh, great. Now I’m blubbering like a little kid.
If you’d like to stay in touch with me (and I suggest that you do), please contact me at fatty@fatcyclist.com.
I will miss you. Nearly, I imagine, as much as you will miss me.
Kind Regards,
Elden
- I sold a house: We completed negotiations on the sale of our house in Washington.
- I bought a house: Our offer on a house in Alpine, Utah was accepted.
- I got homepaged on MSN: This resulted in about 80,000 page views in one day, and a massive number of comments. I guess I picked a wacky day to do the Triathlon post I’ve been thinking about for about six months.
- I crossed the 1,000,000 page view mark: Sometime between 11am and 2pm, while I was packing my office up and wrapping things up for my job, the homepage thing happened and I picked up around 25,000 page views, which means I didn’t get to watch the counter pick up a digit. Oh well. The thing is, I was going to have a big giveaway where people guessed what day and time I hit 1,000,000. Now I’ll just have to come up with a different contest. Ideas, anyone?
- I Made the If I Were King blogger very angry. I guess he didn’t realize that I do contests and give stuff away every week; tying the popularity contest MSN did to my weekly contest is in character with what I do in this blog, much as his making decrees about pet peeves is his thing. Maybe he’d forgive me if I sent him a Banjo Brothers Pocket Messenger Bag?
- I exceeded my allocated bandwidth on fatcyclist.com. When I did the Cannondale Ad critique earlier this month, I hosted the images on fatcyclist.com. Oops. With all the people visiting yesterday, I shot right by my 5Gb/month allocation just by those images getting served, which means yesterday’s success is literally going to cost me.
- Lots of people took me to task: Bev’s is my favorite:
Man, am I sorry I stumbled upon this! The self-important ravings of an obvious narcissist, judgemental of people whom you claim to admire… I don’t get it, but I seldom understand people of your ilk.
I do have one question, however. A triathalon is three separate sports linked together in a single competition. Why wouldn’t three sports which are combined into one competition be worthy of being called a sport? I think your rant is reflective of a lack of ability on your part and your consequential feelings of inadequacy.
And how lame do you have to be to try to bribe people to vote for your blog with stuff that you’ve admitted is junk you don’t want to pack when you move? As tempting as the stuff you are giving away because you are obviously are too lazy to have a yard sale may be, I think I’ll refrain from voting.
- I got threatened with vehicular homicide: Juels said:
Dear fatty cyclist,
From a swimmer (which by the way I find melts my stress away while Im getting fit & HAVING FUN) I sure hope I never come across you while im driving my HUGE SUV while having a fit of road rage & feeling like tony stewart because then you’d find out why swimming isnt nearly as dangerous as cycling.
I do find your list of possible sports quite interesting though but again, I would go for Dodge vehicle. Meaning of course, Im on some sort of gas powered vehicle (ATC, Motorcross, 4 wheeler, etc…) and its your job to keep the hell outta my way before I run your fat cycling backside over. We could also call it ROADKILL!!
Juels
- I got the best new definition of “sport,” ever. Frontlinefaery said this:
Allow me to share my own interpretation of what is and isn’t a sport. It’s quite simple, though somewhat unique. If it can prepare you for a possible zombie attack (or some other type of invasion), it’s a sport. This automatically disqualifies golf.
Swimming: if you can outdistance the disgruntled merman, you win.
Running: Always a wonderful backup plan for when all else fails. Keep in good shape for best results. Also handy for when the dogs take an unhealthy interest.
Cycling of all types: Much faster than running, and more maneuverable than a car.
You get the idea. If in doubt, just ask yourself: "What if my opponent was a zombie?" If the answer puts you at risk of getting eaten, you’ve got a sport on your hands.
All in all, not a bad day. Except the vehicular homicide threat. Especially since the insurance at my new company doesn’t kick in ’til Monday.
An Open Letter to Triathletes
Dear Triathletes,
First off, I want you to know that I admire you. I really do. I admire your tenacity and determination. I admire your intensity. I admire your endurance.
And it’s a darn shame you waste all those admirable qualities on the most ridiculous activity (yes, “activity,” not “sport”—I’ll get to that in a moment) that has ever been created.
I will explain.
Swimming is Mind-Blowingly Awful
Consider some of the things that make biking wonderful: You get to see beautiful terrain. You’re going somewhere. You can use it both for entertainment and as a practical means of conveyance. You can talk with your friends while you’re doing it. The variety of the terrain means that you get interesting new challenges on a moment-by-moment basis. And perhaps most importantly, you are unlikely to drown or be eaten by a giant fish (see Jonah 1:17).
None of these desirable attributes can be said of swimming.
Here, on the other hand, is what can be said of swimming:
- It is insular: When you’re swimming, you are isolated from everything. You don’t get to look at anything, except where you’re going (and that’s only kinda-sorta). You don’t get to talk with anyone, should the mood strike you. You do get to listen to the environment—I’ll give you that—but the environment is always making exactly one sound: “splash.” That loses its charm after a bit. Triathletes, consider: people are currently facing court martial for using many of these same tactics to extract information from prisoners in Guantanamo.
- It is crowded: While swimming doesn’t allow you any normal human interaction with your competitors, it does allow uncomfortable, abnormal interaction. Specifically, while you’re swimming in a race (especially open water courses), you’re constantly being kicked and elbowed.
- It is gross: Triathletes, I’m sure you never pee in the pool. And your nose never starts running while you’re swimming. And you never need to clear your nostrils. And you never get a mouthful of water, then spit it back out. And of course you’re not sweating while you swim. Right? Right? Oh. Well, in that case, I’m sorry, but a swimming pool is absolutely the most grossifying place on planet Earth. I just had an involuntary shudder thinking about that stew of fluids you’re swimming back and forth in. Ew.
- It is mind-bogglingly boring: You swim and swim, exerting incredible effort with your entire body to go approximately the speed a child can easily skip. You don’t get to see anything. You don’t get to hear anything. You don’t get to feel anything, except water (and elbows and feet as you’re kicked and knocked about). This is actually the same point I made at the beginning of this bullet list, but I feel strongly enough about it to make it twice.
- I am no good at it: Okay, this may be more my problem than a problem with the sport itself.
- It is dangerous: There are giant fish out there. And they’re hungry. Do I have to remind you of the story of Jonah? Or Pinnochio?
Running is Pure Misery
Giant fish notwithstanding, swimming at least is good for you. It works your whole body out without busting you up. Running, on the other hand, is just plain evil. I’ve covered the problems of running before, though, so won’t go into it here. Trust me, though: Running is bad.
Triathlon is Not a Sport Because it Does Not Fit Into the Way I Choose to Define “Sport”
As far as I’m concerned, a sport is a physical activity you can do for fun or competition. By my (very authoritative and comprehensive) definition, a sport is not legitimate unless you’d go out and do it just for kicks, even if there weren’t a competition coming up. So biking’s a sport. Running’s a sport. Even swimming’s a sport. But doing all three in succession? No, that’s not a sport. That’s a stunt, or self-imposed punishment, or a statement. It’s not a sport.
You do all three events in a row only during a competition, or to prepare for a competition. And while you may be having fun during some of those events, you are not having fun because you are doing all three of the events in a row.
So cut it out.
Triathlon is Arbitrary, and Not Even Imaginatively Arbitrary
Let’s imagine for a moment that none of the points I have made so far stand up. I know, I know: my arguments are so compelling they brook no dissent, but still, for the sake of argument, pretend.
Here’s my final point: Triathlon is silly because it takes three random events, pins them together, and calls them a different event.
Why three events? Why not five? Or eleven? And why always the same three events, always in the same order?
If you absolutely must cram multiple events together, why not get creative about it, from time to time? Here are some suggestions:
- Bike, football, poker
- Bike, horseshoes, log-rolling
- Bike, snowshoe, line-dancing
- Road bike, mountain bike, velodrome, cyclocross (as I type this, I suddenly realize this would actually be a really interesting event)
- Bike, nail-driving, yodeling
I could go on.
A Heartfelt Plea
Triathletes, please. Stop it. The rest of the cycling world would happily welcome you into our arms if you’ll only join us. We’ll teach you how to draft. We’ll teach you how to pedal circles. We’ll teach you how to ride a bike that’s both comfortable and efficient.
Just admit you have a problem. We’ll do the rest.
Sincerely,
The Fat Cyclist
An Open Letter to Triathletes
Dear Triathletes,
First off, I want you to know that I admire you. I really do. I admire your tenacity and determination. I admire your intensity. I admire your endurance.
And it’s a darn shame you waste all those admirable qualities on the most ridiculous activity (yes, “activity,” not “sport”–I’ll get to that in a moment) that has ever been created.
I will explain.
Swimming is Mind-Blowingly Awful
Consider some of the things that make biking wonderful: You get to see beautiful terrain. You’re going somewhere. You can use it both for entertainment and as a practical means of conveyance. You can talk with your friends while you’re doing it. The variety of the terrain means that you get interesting new challenges on a moment-by-moment basis. And perhaps most importantly, you are unlikely to drown or be eaten by a giant fish (see Jonah 1:17).
None of these desirable attributes can be said of swimming.
Here, on the other hand, is what can be said of swimming:
- It is insular: When you’re swimming, you are isolated from everything. You don’t get to look at anything, except where you’re going (and that’s only kinda-sorta). You don’t get to talk with anyone, should the mood strike you. You do get to listen to the environment–I’ll give you that–but the environment is always making exactly one sound: “splash.” That loses its charm after a bit. Triathletes, consider: people are currently facing court martial for using many of these same tactics to extract information from prisoners in Guantanamo.
- It is crowded: While swimming doesn’t allow you any normal human interaction with your competitors, it does allow uncomfortable, abnormal interaction. Specifically, while you’re swimming in a race (especially open water courses), you’re constantly being kicked and elbowed.
- It is gross: Triathletes, I’m sure you never pee in the pool. And your nose never starts running while you’re swimming. And you never need to clear your nostrils. And you never get a mouthful of water, then spit it back out. And of course you’re not sweating while you swim. Right? Right? Oh. Well, in that case, I’m sorry, but a swimming pool is absolutely the most grossifying place on planet Earth. I just had an involuntary shudder thinking about that stew of fluids you’re swimming back and forth in. Ew.
- It is mind-bogglingly boring: You swim and swim, exerting incredible effort with your entire body to go approximately the speed a child can easily skip. You don’t get to see anything. You don’t get to hear anything. You don’t get to feel anything, except water (and elbows and feet as you’re kicked and knocked about). This is actually the same point I made at the beginning of this bullet list, but I feel strongly enough about it to make it twice.
- I am no good at it: Okay, this may be more my problem than a problem with the sport itself.
- It is dangerous: There are giant fish out there. And they’re hungry. Do I have to remind you of the story of Jonah? Or Pinnochio?
Running is Pure Misery
Giant fish notwithstanding, swimming at least is good for you. It works your whole body out without busting you up. Running, on the other hand, is just plain evil. I’ve covered the problems of running before, though, so won’t go into it here. Trust me, though: Running is bad.
Triathlon is Not a Sport Because it Does Not Fit Into the Way I Choose to Define “Sport”
As far as I’m concerned, a sport is a physical activity you can do for fun or competition. By my (very authoritative and comprehensive) definition, a sport is not legitimate unless you’d go out and do it just for kicks, even if there weren’t a competition coming up. So biking’s a sport. Running’s a sport. Even swimming’s a sport. But doing all three in succession? No, that’s not a sport. That’s a stunt, or self-imposed punishment, or a statement. It’s not a sport.
You do all three events in a row only during a competition, or to prepare for a competition. And while you may be having fun during some of those events, you are not having fun because you are doing all three of the events in a row.
So cut it out.
Triathlon is Arbitrary, and Not Even Imaginatively Arbitrary
Let’s imagine for a moment that none of the points I have made so far stand up. I know, I know: my arguments are so compelling they brook no dissent, but still, for the sake of argument, pretend.
Here’s my final point: Triathlon is silly because it takes three random events, pins them together, and calls them a different event.
Why three events? Why not five? Or eleven? And why always the same three events, always in the same order?
If you absolutely must cram multiple events together, why not get creative about it, from time to time? Here are some suggestions:
- Bike, football, poker
- Bike, horseshoes, log-rolling
- Bike, snowshoe, line-dancing
- Road bike, mountain bike, velodrome, cyclocross (as I type this, I suddenly realize this would actually be a really interesting event)
- Bike, nail-driving, yodeling
I could go on.
A Heartfelt Plea
Triathletes, please. Stop it. The rest of the cycling world would happily welcome you into our arms if you’ll only join us. We’ll teach you how to draft. We’ll teach you how to pedal circles. We’ll teach you how to ride a bike that’s both comfortable and efficient.
Just admit you have a problem. We’ll do the rest.
Sincerely,
The Fat Cyclist
Bribery
Every week, I check the “What’s Your Story” site to see what lucky MSN Space-ers are being featured. Imagine my surprise and delight to find that I’m one of those lucky featured Spaceheads.
Things have changed since I last got featured, though: Now they have voting. It’s a popularity contest.
Currently, I am dead last.
This should not bother me, because as far as I know, at the end of the week, the winner gets a grand prize of absolutely nothing. But you know, it does bother me. It bothers me a lot. It’s like a group sprint to the next telephone pole. The guy who wins doesn’t get anything at all, except bragging rights.
Which begs the question: apart from a suitcase full of cash, is there any better prize in the world than bragging rights?
Vote For Me and Get Free Stuff
Realizing that I have no chance whatsoever of winning this contest on the strength of my writing, I will instead open a contest, wherein I will give away stuff to random people who comment during the week. Here’s how it works:
- If I lose: I will give away my copy of A Sunday in Hell, the documentary about Eddy Merckx racing Paris-Nice.
- If I get third place: I will give away the brand-new Microsoft® Wireless Laser™ Desktop 6000 wireless keyboard and mouse (retail value: $99) I purchased as a Christmas present for a family member, but then never got around to sending, as well as the Sunday in Hell video.
- If I get second place: I will give away a brand-new, never-used, retail copy of Microsoft Office Pro 2003 (retail value: $499) that I got as thank-you schwag for participating in a recent usability study. And the wireless keyboard/mouse. And the Sunday in Hell video.
- If I win: I will give away my one-of-a-kind prototype Banjo Brothers messenger bag, and the Office Pro box. And the wireless keyboard/mouse. And the Sunday in Hell video. I will also give away other valuable prizes which I have not listed here, but which I suspect you would like.
As you can see, I have cleverly managed to combine a contest with my need to reduce the volume of stuff I have to pack when I move in a couple months.
One little caveat: If you live somewhere where it would be expensive or problematic for me to ship (outside the US, basically), if you win you’ve got to cover the shipping costs if you want me to ship to you. I don’t mind spending a little money on shipping, but I’m not willing to take out a personal loan to do it.
Just to be Clear, How Do I Win?
You win by going to http://whatsyourstory.msn.com/, voting for me, then leaving a comment sometime this week. Or — if you aren’t able to leave a comment in my blog because you’re not in the mood to register for a .NET Passport, just go vote anyway (you don’t need to register for anything to do that) and send me a comment via email: fatty@fatcyclist.com. I’ll post your comment for you. Then all you need to do to win is get randomly selected.
And I win by having my vanity served.
BONUS: MORE FREE STUFF FROM THE BANJO BROTHERS!
My friends at Banjo Brothers have (generously, and without me even having to beg) ponied up a dozen of their soon-to-be-famous Pocket Messenger Bags to people who vote for me. Check out their blog for details. Thanks, Banjo Brothers. You rule. Even more than you used to.
PS: Tomorrow: Why I will never ever ever do another triathlon, and why nobody else should, either.