Quashing Rumors
I am, as I have mentioned a time or two, an increasingly famous blogger. To tell the truth (and I always tell, the truth, for I am famous in part because of my forthrightness), sometimes this fame can be wearying. For example, when people begin spreading insidious, often hurtful rumors about me, I sometimes ask myself, “Fat Cyclist (I always refer to myself as ‘Fat Cyclist,’ even in my most private thoughts), is it all worth it? Are the vast quantities of money, the public adoration, the high-profile speaking engagements, and free yogurt samples sent via FedEx really worth the contemptible falsehoods my jealous enemies propogate?”
“I don’t know, Fat Cyclist,” I answer to myself. “Sometimes, it does seem too heavy a burden to bear.”
“Pish-posh, Fat Cyclist!” my third self bracingly answers to my other two selves, in an English accent (for some unknown reason). “Do not let the naysayers, the snide liars, the riff-raff, nor, in short, anyone else who disagrees with you, bring you down!”
“Did you just use six commas in that sentence?” my first self asks my third self, astounded.
“Yes! And later I shall split an infinitive!” my third self answers. “But no matter! The point which I am so emphatically making is that you should not allow yourself to be defeated by these rumours! Rather, you should expose them for what they are—lies!—and refute them with vigor and vim! Pip pip!”
“Okay, but after that we’re going to find a good psychiatrist, OK, Fat Cyclist?” asks my reasonable second self.
Rumor 1: The Fat Cyclist is Actually Bob Roll
I acknowledge the eerie similarities between Bob Roll and myself: we either have been or are overweight. We both love cycling. We both occupy the very small “funny cycling guy” niche. We are both courted nonstop by cycling publications and television programming, due to our widespread name recognition and popular appeal. I offer, however, the following tautology which I believe proves conclusively that I am not Bob Roll:
1. Bob Roll has sat beside Al Trautwig.
2. Al Trautwig is still alive.
THEREFORE
I am not Bob Roll.
Rumor 2: The Fat Cyclist is Not Really All That Fat
Many people have tried to discredit me by asserting that I am not all that fat. To which I respond, “Am too.”
To which these petty obstructionists counter, “Are not.”
So let me make it perfectly clear, this one last time:
- I weigh more than I want to.
- I weigh more than I should if I am going to be a successful endurance racer.
- I really like calling myself “Fat Cyclist,” in part because it inoculates me against defeat. When people outride me, where’s the glory in being faster than a fat cyclist? But when I can outride someone—hey, it happens—it doubles my glory and their humiliation.
Rumor 3: The Fat Cyclist is Not Writing Very Often Right Now Because He Has Run Out of Things To Say
No, I’m just trying to close down my old job, sell my house, start a new job, buy a new house, and otherwise relocate. Hey, at least this time the wife doesn’t have cancer, and the twins are out of diapers. This is easy!
Rumor 4: The Fat Cyclist Blog is Now Outsourced to a Blog-Writing Vendor Based in India
That is laughable. I would never outsource my blog to India. Especially when I can get a much better deal at one of those blog sweatshops they’ve got set up in the Philippines.
Rumor 5: The Fat Cyclist Has Not Weighed Himself in More Than Three Weeks and Has Now Reached a Point Where He is Terrified of What He Might Find
OK, I admit I haven’t weighed myself in a while because the scale’s in a box in the garage somewhere, and I’m only occasionally getting out on a ride. But I don’t think I’m gaining any weight. On an unrelated note, though, I need to buy a new clothes drier. The current one seems to be running too hot and is shrinking all my clothes.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 03.23.2006 | 9:09 pm
I believe you Fatty. People who have met me question the BIG part of my name also. To which I retort with a Lance like twang to my voice "it’s not about the height".
Comment by Zed | 03.23.2006 | 9:14 pm
I really don’t intend to qualify under the naysaying, riff-raff group, but I do recall a blog entry in which you referred to yourself as the "pudgy cyclist" after losing an appropriate amount of weight.
I also noticed, however, that Rocky refers to you as "Fatty" even in casual conversation, and that has to be short for something.
I will now reread your entry in search of that split infinitive.
Comment by Andrew | 03.23.2006 | 9:19 pm
Dear Tumescent Titan of Triglycerides,
I heard a rumor that you are Dick Cheney’s younger brother. Any truth to that? And why do you have so many weird names?
Comment by Unknown | 03.23.2006 | 9:35 pm
Hey, if you think those Phillipine blog sweatshops turn out some good stuff, you should check out the North Korean ones. That’s where I farm out my bloging efurts, and my blog commetning atcivities two. Sure, there’s split infinininittives all over the plaice, and it’s tru that my last flour writers were cent off to the kihncentration camp juan it was discuvered that they were insuffishently deferential whilst sonnging "Great Leader’s Greatness is Greatly Great," but they are really, rilly cheap, and beesize, Kim Jong Il roxxxxs. .
Comment by Unknown | 03.23.2006 | 10:29 pm
I confess. I started all of those rumors. I am just jealous of your fame and wanted to knock you down a peg.
By the way, the 3rd voice (the English one)…he is the funny one. I don’t care much for the other two thirds of you.
Gosh that sounded meaner than intended. Sorry.
Comment by Valerie | 03.23.2006 | 10:47 pm
Good blog, Fatty! The Philippine blog sweatshop made me giggle out loud.
Comment by Diego | 03.23.2006 | 11:10 pm
Mr. Fat Cyclist!
Have fun house hunting! Hope you find an awesome new house!
Also, don’t underestimate the power of India, they can compete if they have to, even against the Phillipines!
LOL
hhahahah
have a good one!!
Comment by Unknown | 03.23.2006 | 11:27 pm
How could anyone doubt you’re fat. There is photographic evidence clearly illustrating your rotund gelatinous torso! Maybe the naysayers and nincompoops mean you’re not PHAT.
Botched
Comment by Big Guy on a Bicycle | 03.24.2006 | 12:39 am
What about that rumour I heard that you aren’t even a cyclist? Huh? HUH? What about that one?
Or did I dream that? OK, no more Gatorade and Jalapeno Martinis for me just before bedtime (unless Bob keeps doing those photos on his blog).
Comment by Jill | 03.24.2006 | 4:41 am
And here I was, telling all of my friends I knew Bob Roll.
Comment by Unknown | 03.24.2006 | 1:50 pm
Don’t forget this – the Fat Cyclist is forgeting to list the winner of the Banjo Bag giveaway for doing his son’s homework.
Comment by uncadan8 | 03.24.2006 | 2:48 pm
That "science project" was just an ill-fated attempt by Fatty to prove that he was faster than the rest of us in SOMETHING!
Comment by Unknown | 03.24.2006 | 2:54 pm
I knew Bob Roll, and you’re no Bob Roll. Lucky for us.
Comment by Unknown | 03.24.2006 | 5:41 pm
fat-who?
i was looking for the DUG-blog
Comment by Unknown | 03.24.2006 | 6:33 pm
Jill, after reading about your recent epic MTB ride, I’m betting Bob Roll goes around telling people he knows you. So Boz, what’s up with the playa hatin’?
A guy who works in one of the LBS’s here wrenched for Roll and a bunch of other guys in Europe in the late 80’s / early 90’s. He likes Roll a lot, better than most of the guys he wrenched for. But then he (the wrench) is a freaky old school bike guy, a nice fellow but verrrry un-corporate, and he likes lunatics. So I’m not sure what to make of it. I like Roll’s commentary – it’s totally off point, and when you’re watching six hours of TdF coverage you need a bit of that. It’s a bit like watching a three day test match in cricket – you need loony, wide-ranging commentary to keep it interesting. Roll does that. Although I’d be more likely to buy one of those trainers if he’d kept his d@mn pants on.
Comment by Unknown | 03.24.2006 | 7:05 pm
Al – I love Bob Roll – it’s just that we don’t need 2 . Fatty’s an original, not a BR copy. Wasn’t dissen’da Roll-man by any means. He’s a everyman’s type rider and commentator. We need more like him, but not exactly like him. Dig ?
Comment by Tom Stormcrowe | 03.24.2006 | 11:18 pm
I believe you as well, Elden! By the way, if you ever do outsource your blog to the Philippines, I got contacts there in data entry!::GRIN::
Comment by K.T. | 03.27.2006 | 12:17 pm
Congratulations on the nomination. I found it strange that we got nominated a 2nd time, how about you?
Comment by Tyson | 03.27.2006 | 4:49 pm
Ok, I give up. Where’s the split infinitive?
Comment by Gelati Farms | 03.27.2006 | 7:05 pm
Funny Funny Funny! My question is for the 3rd voice though…what exactly is a split infinitive? It must be really bad if you are threatening to do it…
I just wanted to come and say hi because we are sitting beside each other all week. Also, I wanted to make sure that you really were a cyclist, because I don’t actually live on a farm and I like to get things as clear as possible.
King Tom said is was ok if we all passed notes during the week, so , this is my first note.
Alison
Comment by Road Warrior | 03.27.2006 | 7:25 pm
Nice space and great writing style, whether you fat or not is asecondary :-)
Comment by Tyson | 03.28.2006 | 9:09 pm
A split infinitive is when you put an adverb (most words ending in "ly") between "To" and a verb in the infinitive form (which is a verb in its "pure" form, unchanged by tense).
Example: "To boldy go"
"Go" is the infinitive form of "go" (as opposed to "gone", or "going").
Boldy splits the infinitive verb from "To", and so the whole mess is a split infinitive.
I still can’t find it, however…
Comment by Megan | 03.29.2006 | 11:52 pm
You are winning still!!!! Yeah!
Comment by Unknown | 03.31.2006 | 6:48 pm
OK, so you’re freakin’ hilarious! Just found your blogs today and am laughing my ass off in my cubicle, hoping no one hears me and thus does not conclude I am a freak.
OK, so "Mr. Road Warrior" says whether you’re fat or not is secondary – hello that’s the whole point. How ironic is it to call yourself "fat" and a "cyclist"… whether it’s true or just in your head – the sheer irony lies in the visual, which provides a foundation and makes for good blog writing/reading. Who wants to read about an average or healthy slim rider who has no struggles or a boring blog about who easy it was for him/her to ride today. No, people crave to read stories about the underdog and the tragedies he/she face. It’s the commonality of humanity.
So, anyway – love your style of writing and the whole 3 personalities = so funny! Doesn’t everyone have an English personality in their head. Thought that was normal HA LOL FAV REMARKS are to Rumor 2 – GENIOUS!
Comment by Alan | 03.31.2006 | 6:56 pm
typical
why is it people who are obsessed with themselves bang on about how "Fat" or whatever they are?? sounds like vanity to me. this guy aint fat at all.. try riding a fully loaded touring bike with camping equipment over the Swiss Alps and through Tuscany, Italy in the mid summer heat when you weigh around 85KG (200lbs or thereabouts) and not on some lightweight rediculously expensive piece of shiny metal mate
Comment by Unknown | 04.8.2006 | 12:38 am
Here’s the thing. Me? I really don’t like swimming all that much. Cycling doesn’t float my boat either. Running? Come on. I only do it because it is the only true way to control one’s weight and remain a lean, mean sexual machine. But put them all together and all of sudden I can’t stay away. Ironman? Bring it ON!!!!