Stunt Diet
Over the weekend, while resting between taking loads of stuff to the hazardous waste transfer station (about 25-years-worth of paint and pesticides have accumulated in the garage; I’ve decided to be the guy that leaves the next owner with a clean garage) I found some time to catch up on friends’ blogs. One of them was Al Maviva’s recap of the weight loss competition he and Rocky did (Congrats to both, by the way, and especially to Al).
It got me thinking.
I’ve had a tough time sticking to a diet lately. While I have motivation a-plenty (two major races and the likelihood of giving up a bike if I don’t get started), I’m not losing weight. And it’s not like I don’t know how to lose weight. I know exactly what to do to get results. I’m just not doing it.
Dieting has become too…ordinary. Too dull. Reduce the fat, keep the calories down, eat a lot of fruits, vegetables and whole grains, drink lots of water, blah blah blah blah blah.
Even my main schtick—the threat of public exposure and personal penalty—has become old. Yeah yeah, I have to tell everyone how much I weigh. Yeah yeah, I have to give someone something.
Pfff.
I need something different to motivate me. Something exciting. Something different. Something dramatic.
Something, if it comes down to it, completely harebrained and ridiculous.
I need a stunt diet.
My New Diet
As I was reading blogs and thinking about my dietary funk, I was eating a Dannon Light ‘n Fit yogurt (which I have mentioned before). I took a look at the nutritional information: 60 calories. I did some quick math (which I did not need a calculator for): I’d have to eat 30 of these things in a day to get even 1800 calories. Idly, I wondered if that would even be possible.
And then my wonder turned into something not-so-idle.
Two minutes later, I had figured out my new diet.
- Monday (today): Nothing but Light ‘n Fit yogurt. As many as I want / can stand. There are currently twenty in the fridge—my wife is not happy about this—but I’ll go out for more later if I need to.
- Tuesday: Nothing but Clif Bars. Limit of 2400 calories. I give myself this limit because I can easily imagine eating eighteen Clif Bars in a day.
- Wednesday: Nothing but raw fruit. Emphasis on bananas and grapefruit.
- Thursday: Nothing but pasta with marinara sauce.
- Friday: Nothing but chicken.
- Weekends: Eat like a normal person.
Caveats
Of course, the stunt diet has several caveats:
- Breakfast: I still get to start the morning with a bowl of Fiber One. Hey, I’m turning forty in a month, and besides, I’m not exactly doing my stomach a favor here.
- Diet Coke with Lime: I plan to drink it endlessly.
- Water: I will drink a half gallon of water each day, in addition to any water I drink while on the bike.
- On-Bike Food: I get to pack and eat a Clif Bar on any ride longer than 35 miles.
My Expectation
I think I’m going to lose four pounds this week, and will be so excited I’ll do it again next week. This diet is going to work so well for me, in fact, that I’ll hit my goal of 155 well before the Leadville 100. Soon, you’ll all be secretly considering this diet yourselves, based on the unbelievable results I have achieved. Eventually, it will become a craze, I’ll write a popular diet book, and will become fabulously wealthy. I will still write this blog, but will charge $19.99 / month for a subscription.
The Stunt Diet™—for I now choose to capitalize it and put a trademark symbol after it—is going to be huge. Just you wait and see.
Today’s Weight: 170.4
Comment by Stephanie | 05.15.2006 | 5:24 pm
the thought of consuming mass quantities of yogurt makes me want to vomit and covet my turkey sandwich.
good luck on the diet!
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 5:25 pm
Stunt diet?
Eating ONLY while riding. That’s a stunt diet. The work product placement dollars into the thing. That’s the ticket.
Comment by barry1021 | 05.15.2006 | 5:44 pm
< I will still write this blog, but will charge $19.99 / month for a subscription>
i think all that yogurt is causing brain damage. By sheer coincidence, that is precisely $19.99/month more than I am willing to pay for the privilege.
Actually the diet probably isn’t too bad if the Minimum Daily Requirements are changed to Minimum Weekly Requirements–by the end of the week you have crossed most of the food groups off your list.
The best diet that i ever witnessed in action was in college. The guy was probably 75 lbs overweight and loved to drink, so he gave up everything except sombreros-coffee brandy and cream. Every thing was peachy until the second day when during his run (walk actually), they found him passed out on the side of the road. Never saw him diet again, they were too damn dangerous!!
B21
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 5:44 pm
you want to know what’s going to be huge? not the stunt diet. you. YOU are going to be huge.
good times.
Comment by barry1021 | 05.15.2006 | 5:50 pm
Actually i just checked the link to Al’s site that you gave us. Why don’t you just put those pictures of him up on the ‘fridge. If that doesn’t make you lose your appetite then the issues go well’ beyond your dietary habits I am afraid. No offense Al, you look a hell of a lot better than I do, but at least I limit the nausea to the immediate family……
B21
Comment by Susie | 05.15.2006 | 6:37 pm
You are so going to screw your system up that no diet will work, not even the STUNT DIET. Sorry, I don’t have the trademark symbol. I think you have to file something with some government agency to put a tm on something anyway, don’t you, or is that the patent symbol?
I predict by the end of the first day you will never be able to look at another yogart, much less eat one. And do you really want to eat something in excess that you eat for engery on your rides. You will hate them by Tuesday, but I say good luck to you.
Can we have a picture of the bike one of us is going to win? My grandson wanted to know what color it was so he could get a helmet to match.
Comment by joan | 05.15.2006 | 6:53 pm
I think it could truly be considered a Stunt Diet if you ate only when jumping off a building, or crashing end-over-end in a fiery car. However, surviving this diet of yours within an intact GI system may well be a stunt in and of itself.
Comment by Andrew | 05.15.2006 | 6:55 pm
Those That Know These Things suggest five servings of fruits and vegetables daily.
This is a problem. Many fruits and vegetables are repulsive to those of us whose palates were scarred for life from fast food.
And your new diet sounds, well, just a little eccentric.
We need completely new foods which are good for us and taste great and are less filling.
They have already designed a fartless bean. This is a good step. But there is more that should be done. My recommendation is choclate-covered broccoli. Yogurt-covered cauliflower would also work.
This is where the big money is.
Comment by Juliet | 05.15.2006 | 7:08 pm
I think theoretically – it could work. Most people overeat because the can’t say no to different flavours and textures of food. By inundating your self with – say – dannon lite’n'fit blackberry or strawberry which are rather bland – you should give up on eating for pleasure fairly early in the day and focus only on the fuel aspect. It is genius! Just take a vitamin tablet though – so there is no malnutrition.
PS: we have the same in taste in literature – or had – since I was about ten when I read those books. Scary!
Comment by craig | 05.15.2006 | 7:23 pm
Some would argue that the worst part of your diet is the limited selection of foods you allow yourself to eat during the week.
But they are fools and should be dismissed with much haste.
Obviously, the worst part is the weekend plan. After a 5 hour ride saturday morning, after limiting yourself all week, and with no parameters in place except eating ‘like a normal person’ you will be hell bent on filling the void, as it were. only after your frenzied gorging will you realize the error of your ways. But then, it will be too late, tragically.
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 7:26 pm
So, when you get on Oprah will you jump around on the couch like Tom Cruise did?
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 8:17 pm
eat nothing but yogurt for two weeks,
straight. after that. you ain’t gonna wanna
put nothing in your mouth.
plus, who’s gonna read a blog by a guy
who claims to be fat but isn’t. oh yeah,
you’ll be a "BIG FAT LIAR".
don’t toy with our emotions man!
(sniff)
Comment by Jsun | 05.15.2006 | 8:23 pm
also try to change HOW you eat, not just WHAT you eat
monday- eat only with left hand (or left foot)
tuesday- food taken through straw only
wednesday -eat while watching videos of lipo surgery
thursday- someone else feeds you
friday- eat only while showering
okay, I made these up while typing and its a brain-dead Monday, but the idea is there. I am sure you could making up something to keep you from gaining weight, and make dieting fun or even Xtreme
all you can eat coconut oil day, or eating a bike, or
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 10:10 pm
Uh, Fatty, if you ate "like a normal person" every day of the week you’d lose weight. Isn’t the core of the problem EXACTLY that you can’t eat like a normal person?
Botched
P.S. Warning: Humorless pedantry follows! Suzie, anyone can put a tm symbol after a phrase with out registration with the US Patent and Tradmark office (although protection is limited) and patents don’t have a symbol, just a number.
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 10:16 pm
It would be cool to tweak the diet to require you to only have yogurt during rides. Nothing sounds better to me at the top of a climb than a nice creamy drink of Dannon yogurt. Especially when the temps are in the 90’s.
Rick S.
Comment by Unknown | 05.15.2006 | 10:46 pm
That combination of food, all atop a daily base of Fiber One, should have you as dessicated as an ebola victim in no time. You might want to get the beeper number of a good plumber and keep it on hand. And make sure that you have the high impact, NASA Space Shuttle Tile Ceramic commode before you attempt this diet. On the plus side, if you re-ride RawRod, you won’t have to worry about holding it until you get to the porta potty at mile 70… You might want to ditch the Fi-Zik Gobi with the microfiber cover, however, and just get a cheap Bonty saddle with vinyl. Tough, blast resistant, washable vinyl. Your call.
Barry, no offense taken. Your mother has whispered similar things to me on many occasions, guess I’m just a callous and inconsiderate guy. BTW, I left the handcuff keys in her purse, in case you and your dad were wondering how you were going to get her out of there without causing further embarassment to her and her other boyfriend, the Third Marines. And don’t worry about that little bearded dwarf, I don’t care how loud he yells, we paid him plenty. Or was that your sister?
Comment by Conejita | 05.15.2006 | 11:08 pm
Now if you could only add burrito saturday you would be on to something………
Seriously though, I just lost like 30 pounds, and I did it by just eating about half of what I would have before. Most of us overeat so much (myself included) that if you just ate everything that you eat normally but just eat half of it (ie half a burrito, half a sandwich) you’ll drop weight like crazy and after about two days you wont feel hungry at all. Dont deprive yourself of your favorite foods, just dont eat 10 of them.
Comment by Conejita | 05.15.2006 | 11:24 pm
also, i give you to about 18 yogurts before you vomit from your body rejecting all the lactose. (same reason it is IMPOSSIBLE to chug a gallon of milk. go ahead and try it. i dare you)
we should start a vomit pool.
Comment by Jill | 05.16.2006 | 12:33 am
Looking at that diet from a purely nutritional standpoint, it seems like you’ll get the basics you need. But with the light ‘n’ fit and the Diet Coke, you’re going to be consuming mass quantities of artificial sweetner. Speaking as a fellow Diet Soda fiend (and someone who has tried and tried to give it up, over and over again), you may want to consider that havoc that all these chemicals could reap on your fitness. Still … it’s not like I’m cutting back to a half gallon of D.C. a day. Bring on the saccarine!
Comment by Jill | 05.16.2006 | 12:35 am
Also, I’ve seen a person chug a gallon of milk without vomiting. It
was before we launched on a river trip. The temperature was 92 degrees.
He didn’t vomit, but sharing a boat with him those first few hours
was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had.
Comment by Walter | 05.16.2006 | 1:38 am
Two words: Pepto Bismol.
Comment by Carl | 05.16.2006 | 4:49 am
<I will drink a half gallon of water each day>
Did you know that drinking ice water is the only food you lose weight by consuming? Water itself contains zero calories whilst your body burns extra calories to warm the water up.
So make it ice water. And make it a gallon.
Comment by Tyler | 05.16.2006 | 5:26 am
I’ve decided to bore / amuse you with my own absurd "diet" and daily weigh-ins. Ha-HA!
—
Today, I ate a bunch. Apparently, this is occasionally necessary. I feel ridiculously stuffed now, and I don’t like it one bit.
I ate / drank , sort of in order:
* 2 cups black coffee
* 1 cinnamon scone
* 1 large bowl of Penne with olive oil and pinenuts
* Tall glass of apple cider
* handful of corn chips and salsa
* 1 twix bar
* A bowl of salad, with croutons, olive oil, and sunflower seeds
* Can of coke
* 4 fig newtons
* small glass of orange juice
* A blueberry scone
* 1 soy burger, plus bun, mustard, ketchup
* 2 pickles
* 2 apples
* 2 small cookies
* 2 more cups black coffee
* 2 handfuls of popcorn
* 1 bowl of Cinnamon toast crunch cereal, w/ soymilk
* 1 banana* 1 cup chocolate frozen yogurt, plus light whipped cream and chocolate syrup
* 10 pieces of saltwater taffy
* 1 cup of tea
* Copius amounts of water
Anybody want to guess how many calories that is? I sure don’t want to try to figure it out.
Today’s weight: 138.5
Comment by Jan | 05.16.2006 | 6:14 am
Don’t change what you eat, just how much you eat. Tracking your calories is sufficient for weight loss. The reason why you’re recommended to eat more vegetables and cut back on your fat is that it’s easier to eat a lot of vegetables and not go over your daily caloric intake. If your fat intake is dangerous, of course you want to cut it back, but if it isn’t just leave it alone. Part of what’s hard about dieting is not eating the things you want to eat.
50g of potato chips (pick a flavour, they all have about the same caloric value) is about 280 calories. If you actually bother to measure out 50g of chips, it’s a fair amount! You can easily work this stuff into your diet. It’s why the Weight Watchers program works for people; it’s just caloric values and daily intake reduced to small integers.
I use Calorie King to help me track my intake and exercise, and I’ve lost 6kg since the beginning of January, and my mass is still trending downwards.
Comment by Unknown | 05.16.2006 | 9:11 am
Y’know, you could just eat those pesticides you’re trying to get rid of. I bet that would help with the weight loss.
I’m not sure you want to drink a half gallon of water every day, however. A half gallon weighs four pounds. So after a week of that, you’ll be 28 pounds heavier. Is that really what you want to do?
Comment by barry1021 | 05.16.2006 | 10:26 am
Conejita and cyclistatlarge–if you can’t give serious helpul ideas like Jsun and Al M, we are sorry, there is no place for you here. Dieting and food is a sacred topic here.
Al thanks for understanding. Hey, did I ever mention I will be 54 in October?? I just sound like a young jerk.
B21
Comment by Jim | 05.16.2006 | 11:23 am
Fatty,
Don’t forget the "power" half of "power-to-weight ratio".
Also anther gimmick you could try would be to ride your bike from Seattle to Utah when you move.
Comment by A Dawn Tinsley | 05.16.2006 | 4:06 pm
I hope you’re not 6′5" or something. 155 sounds lightweight to me. Are you manorexic?
Comment by Unknown | 05.16.2006 | 5:43 pm
Barry, it’s always a pleasure trading barbs with you. Most of the guys I enjoy riding with are borderline abusive and very funny, and that’s on a bad day. On a good day, we spend so much time laughing that it’s hard to work up the tempo unless somebody farts at a stopsign and we all have to flee. Nothing is off limits. Well, except dieting. We’re roadies after all, and some topics are sacred. Okay, we make fun of fat people (each other) and taunt the climbers in the group for being short and skinny. I wouldn’t say we’re jerks, exactly; it’s just part of the culture. And slightly mean blue humor is often a bit funnier than the G-rated stuff, just as the Three Stooges violent escapades are much funnier than Tim Conway’s innocent stuff. "Hit my hand, idiot…"
I got another couple yo’ momma cracks to drop on you, but I’ll spare the ears of the innocents for the time being.
Comment by jim | 05.16.2006 | 6:20 pm
I am about as fat as fatty claims to be. To the average observer, nothing to complain about but annoying to me all the same. Being taller than him, I pack 195 and need to weight closer to 180. My dieting has been pretty regimented but results are very slow. The one and only luxury that I have hung onto is likely the diet killer…margaritas. Actually alcahol in general probably sets me back but margaritas are loaded with calories.
Knowing this and changing it are two different things. I guess its worth a try.
Comment by barry1021 | 05.16.2006 | 6:22 pm
Al
let ‘em fly, we are the same way, usually find myself L’ingOL when I read your stuff. But, ummm, er, you kinda missed the point of the age thing. Mom had me late, thanks for brightening up her last days, she never talked about you, but then again she was quite old….wouldn’t think she was your type actually, and no, that WAS a dwarf, my sisters are beauties….
However I DID find the suggestion for FC to eat the pesticides a bit irresponsible. FC, read the labels, make sure it’s like Roundup, which breaks down into organic molecules within three weeks. Otherwise it might not be safe for you.
B21
Comment by Jsun | 05.16.2006 | 8:05 pm
Barry and Al-
I am glad that you two could work out your differences, and are now even dating the same girl, Barb was her name, right. I would not think that Barb would like being ‘traded’ between you guys, at least not publicly. And if you haven’t brought enough for everybody, than don’t bother Sharon.
Anyway, just fillin up the space until the fatman comes back.
Comment by Unknown | 05.19.2006 | 10:43 pm
Now this is an interesting diet! I hope you do well on it, um, let us know how it goes.