Levi Leipheimer Calls “Mulligan” on 2006 Tour de France
Note From Fatty: This fake news piece is also running in CyclingNews today. By the way of totally kissing CyclingNews’ collective butt, let me recommend CyclingNews for all your non-fake TdF reading as well. Thank you.
Paris, July 14 (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Following a closed-doors meeting with Tour de France Officials, Team Gerolsteiner held a press conference today, wherein team Leader—and former GC contender—Levi Leipheimer made the following announcement:
“Based on the fact that until yesterday everyone—especially me—has been having a totally sucky tour, I have requested that we call “Mulligan” on this year’s Tour de France to this point, start over with the prologue tomorrow, and try to get it right this time.”
“I hold in my hand an Official Do-Over Petition, which has been signed by a clear and wide majority of riders, race directors, journalists, and cycling fans.”
“Let’s just say that everything up until stage 11 (where Leipheimer took second after a long, brutal day in the mountain) was kind of like a dress rehearsal. I mean, you can see that our hearts just weren’t in it for the first week. Let’s take it from the top and do it for real this time.”
Christian Prudhomme Reacts
Tour de France Prudhomme, also on hand for the press conference, noted that there is indeed a Mulligan clause in the Tour de France rules. Says Prudhomme, “It’s an obscure rule, but Article 7.9.867-5309 does clearly indicate that ‘In the event that a majority of race contenders are ejected from the Tour before the beginning of the race, and in the further event that the people left in the race tend to lurch around haphazardly from stage to stage as if they were drug addicts who had suddenly gone cold turkey, and in the final event that by the time the second half of the race begins only a single serious contender remains in actual race contention, the metaphorical reset button shall be pushed and the Tour shall commence again.’”
“Well,” concluded Prudhomme. “I think this year’s Tour pretty much satisfies those conditions.”
Racers React
George Hincapie, mistakenly treated as Discovery team leader for the first 11 stages of this year’s Tour, had this to say: “Can we all please just accept that the climbing stage I won last year was just a fluke, and that the yellow jersey I wore last week just goes to show what a freaky Tour this has been? If we could start over and all get behind Popovych or Savoldelli, maybe we could get someone on the podium.
So yeah, I guess I’d be OK with starting the Tour over.”
Hincapie then hesitated for a moment and said, “But can I still keep that yellow jersey?”
Iban Mayo, who completely self-destructed without warning or reason as soon as the roads turned uphill this year, concurs. “Yes, a do-over would be an excellent idea,” the Euskaltel-Euskadi rider said. “If given another chance, I will ride with honor and will win stage after stage.”
“Or, I suppose,” finished Mayo, “it’s possible I may just blow up again. That’s kind of my trademark.”
Bobby Julich concurred that it would be an outstanding idea to restart the tour, providing he gets six weeks for his wrist to heal (and, presumably, to reconnoiter the course).
Liggett, Sherwen React
Well-known commentators Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen were enthusiastic about the idea of restarting the Tour. “You know, I am sick to death of talking about nothing but what an unusual Tour this has been,” remarked Liggett. “Because everyone knows that when I say ‘unusual,’ what I really mean is ‘ridiculous.’ We commentators don’t look too good when we talk about what a strong time trial Leipheimer is going to put in and then he gets passed by a recreational cyclist, you know.”
“Absolutely,” agreed Sherwen. “Let’s erase the tape of the Tour thus far, reach into our suitcase of courage, and start from scratch. From the way these guys have been riding, they can’t be too tired yet.”
Floyd Landis Reacts
“You know, most people would probably expect that I wouldn’t want to restart the Tour, since I’m winning it and everything,” said race leader Floyd Landis. “But that’s not the case. I’d love to start over. This time, though, I’ll hire a better mechanic and maybe someone to watch the clock for me, so I ought to be in yellow by the end of stage one. That should be cool.”
OLN Scrambles
American broadcaster has had to react quickly, adjusting its schedule and making name changes to the program names.
“Considering that this race has been anything but Cyclismic, we are going to go with something a little more subdued for the series title. We’re thinking “Cyclezzzzz” has a nice ring to it.”
PS: Have you sent in your entry to win a trip to the Tour of Utah yet? If you haven’t, click here to do it now.
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 4:14 pm
George Hincapie, mistakenly treated as Discovery team leader for the first 11 stages of this year’s Tour,…Now that is funny! And thanks for saying it. Everytime Phil Liggett said Hincappie was a possible tour winner, I would imagine him sucking with all his might on a crack pipe.
Comment by Tim D | 07.17.2006 | 4:26 pm
Meanwhile, on Eurosport David Duffield is reciting the war poems of Siegfried Sassoon, telling us what he had for tea last night and is blithly unaware of what is going on until Sean Kelly whacks him with his microphone.
Comment by Rick | 07.17.2006 | 4:30 pm
fair nuff, I among many had hoped that he could actually contend even if we knew it wasn’t possible.
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 4:36 pm
one of your best yet fc.
did you see where johan said floyd’s hip
was a p.r. stunt. good one.
great jenny reference too.
Comment by Andrew | 07.17.2006 | 4:46 pm
This is the first year I have watched the tour, much less paid any attention to it. Tivo and OLN make for a great combination.
I think you guys are jaded. Jaded. The stages are entertaining, exciting if you’re not pretending to be a bike snot, and wonderfully random. Kind of like Houston playing San Francisco in the NFL last season.
So there.
Comment by Jason | 07.17.2006 | 5:33 pm
Right on Weak Link.
But there are other things to consider..in particular the validity of Cadel Evan and Michael Rogers citizen ship if one of then cant haul their arse onto the Podium this year.
And why is.. What’s that dudes name?, Floyd..as in Pink? why the hell and how the hell did he become a GC contender…when did this happen?…he’s making it look too easy…he’s gotta be on drugs!!!…But like I say to the kids…if youre gonna do it be safe..he should spend some time with the Italian Soccer team to get faking the pain down with his CRACkED FREAKIN HIP to the right level of spectacle….jeez!!! and those sunglasses when he got the jersey…he’s pissing all over tradition with those glasses and that modern smile…gawd I just wanna reach through the………
Actually…..I’m enjoying this years tour :)
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 6:03 pm
I think Floyd’s hip is for real. You’d have to be after all those years of buggy-paceing behind a stinky horse. I’m sure Uncle Gunther is crafting a new wooden hip ball in the workshop now. State of the art Amish technology.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 07.17.2006 | 7:01 pm
zzz… snuffle… snort. Huh. Tour? Tour! Did I miss something? Yay Lance. zzz
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 7:01 pm
"For a good time call. . . "
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 7:41 pm
Amazing stuff, I couln`t stop laughing while I was reading this! Terveisiä Suomesta!(it means greetings from Finland!)
Comment by Fat Cyclist | 07.17.2006 | 8:09 pm
gttim – it was strange how so many people bought into the fantasy, in spite of all evidence. which is not to say that hincapie isn’t a great rider. he is. he’s incredible, really. just not a grand tour guy.
tim d – i don’t know who any of those people are, but i always approve of microphone bludgeonings. they sound great.
chiddong – oh, believe me, if i had been wrong and he had been in contention, i’d be yelling my lungs out for hincapie. i love it when a dark horse surprises me.
bikemike – johan really said that? sheesh. i’ll bet he said it before popovych gave him a little something to live for, though. he was just cranky. and thanks for catching the tommy twotone reference.
weak link – of course you see the hypocrisy of my whole story, right? ie, if i really found it as horrible as i make it seem here, would i really stick around and keep watching it every single day? (though i must admit i triple-speed most of the flat stages). i wouldn’t say i’m jaded so much as sad. my wife and i were SO looking forward to rooting for our favorites (she wanted Ullrich to win, I wanted to Basso to win), and now we’re instead forced to root for our fallback guy (Landis for both of us). And while I appreciate the suspense of the random winners of individual stages, this tour doesn’t have much in the way of an evolving storyline. i miss the high drama that usually comes with the tour.
tummy wobbler – were you and dug separated at birth?
boz – you know, whether it’s real or not, it’s not even a very fun argument to have. it feels like everyone’s trying to conjure the hotly debated "is hamilton’s collarbone busted or not?" argument, but nobody’s really feeling it.
big mike – i’ll wake you up if it looks like anything’s going to happen.
botched – hey, you caught the tommy twotone reference, too. you racing the 50-miler this weekend? i’ve decided to give it a try.
ty – kiitos! en tieda (sorry, don’t know how to place umlauts) jos sina tiennyt, mutta asuin suomessa monta vuotta sitten ja jonkin veran osan teidan kieltaa.
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 8:32 pm
The notion of a Mulligan was cute. But knowing the role Karma plays in things, it would probably turn out more like some weird version of Groundhog Day, and everybody would be stuck with a similar fate.
Floyd Landis’ mechanic would break Bobby Julich’s wrist while going for a bread basket at dinner the night before the prologue. Floyd himself would wind up wearing skinny little glasses that make him look even funnier.
Dave Zabriskie would suffer some horrid, random freak accident that totally dooms his season. That, or he’d still be stuck riding for Team CSC. Same thing, pretty much.
Ibn Mayo would take the lead on the first hill stage and Hincapie would be riding better, on Mayo’s wheel, but Mayo would still blow up, killing Hincapie. A couple tough domestiques would also be splattered, and casual fans would be disturbed to find Salmon with a side of Mayo, as well as Mayo spilled all over the Carpets.
(Sorry, that’s really going inside baseball on you, isn’t it? It’s okay though, you don’t like spilled Mayo jokes, it’s not a complete di-Sastre.)
Savodeli would have a freak accident descending… the stairs at his hotel. Assuming "freak accident" means "a not surprising spill over a suitcase full of EPO."
Many other riders would withdraw, suffering from mysterious stomach pains. Some from knots, knowing that the Spanish police are coming. Some from getting stuck in the gut with long needles. Still others from eating too much fine, fine Belgian muesli and incurring sandpaper burns on their bottoms.
Floyd would have to destroy his other hip socket, suffering a fresh bout of Osteonecrosis, just to keep up the positive publicity. Because who could possibly like a guy like Floyd, if he wasn’t a pathetic cripple?
The French would still lose the stage going into Bastille Day. When your national holiday is a celebration of regicide rather than high falutin’ principles, you’ve got it coming. Bouen’d Oevre, France!
Jens Voigt would still ride a few folks off the wheel, blow himself up in a couple senseless attacks, and still fail to realize that he could be a great GC man, if only Bjarne "Peanut Butter Cups" Rijs could accept that his fascination with tiny, scantily clad male climbers is just a manifestation of his surprisingly healthy and almost normal fetish for tiny female gymnasts.
Mattias Kessler, in an effort to prove how tough he is, would have to stick himself in the groin with a can opener while attempting to free some tuna for a nice pre-race sandwich, and would probably have to get dragged behind the Discovery Team Mobile Home, just because. He’d need to find some sharks to feed, and to look for a building to scale in a single bound. He’d also have to find a better cliff to ride off of, because we’re unimpressed that he escaped from yesterday’s crash (that left Rik Verbrugghe’s leg broken and Verbrugghe himself shaking and bleeding on the ground) with mere bruises on his entire body, a torn jersey and rocks embedded in his skull. Actually, seeing the way that hard little German bastard rides, it’s possible that the rocks are on the inside, and were merely working their way out, much like frost heaves in a farmer’s field bring rocks to the surface each spring.
Finally, if everybody got a do-over, the doping scandal would come out totallly different. Ulrich would ask the Doping Docs of Barcelona to label his bags of blood with the name of Basso’s dog. Being an inveterate loser, however, the Kaiser would still get suspended, finding out with great bitterness that Basso outmanuevered him yet again, sending in his bags of bouncing Basso blood with the label "Rudy’s fat wannabe perpetual loser acolyte and I’m fat and my mother dresses me funny and my hair stinks and I drool when I climb hills and I’m fat." Spanish police drop the pretense of "innocent until proven guilty," stating "if that’s not Ulrich’s blood, then nothing is."
Sorry about the length. Can’t help myself. I’m enjoying the hell out of this Tour.
Comment by Unknown | 07.17.2006 | 8:51 pm
Popovych wins on Huez.
Win attributed to Armstrong berating the team for letting defector Floyd Landis admit that he could beat everyone in the pro peleton with only one leg and six guys riding in support.
Comment by Unknown | 07.18.2006 | 2:49 am
Anyone care to speculate what LA thinks of all this? I hear he will be in Europe for the last week of the tour. Hope he brought his mountain bike!
Comment by Unknown | 07.18.2006 | 8:52 am
heh heh. this was funny. maybe they should give a green sport coat to the winner this year. :)
-bm
Comment by Andrew | 07.18.2006 | 11:19 am
FC–high drama that usually comes with the Tour? Such as: will Lance in by one minute? Two minutes? Five minutes? Ten minutes? And just who will come in second this time?
Comment by Glen | 07.18.2006 | 12:03 pm
go Cadel……
Comment by Ariane | 07.18.2006 | 3:38 pm
Fatty.
We here at OLN do not think that you are not being fair to the Cyclysm. We understand the disappointment that many fans may be feeling at their favorite rider’s absence in this year’s Tour, but, guys, Lance just needed to retire, OK?,Nevertheless, we feel that we have more then compensated for this by maintaining our standards; Lance still recieves at least 50% of our coverage. To be honest, we aren’t sure what more you could ask for.
Yours etc,
A. OLN (Versus) Rep
Comment by jim | 07.18.2006 | 4:55 pm
Is the constant mentioning of Lance’s name due to this horrific and somewhat boring TdF or is it because Sherwin, Ligget, and Roll cannot get over their love affair with Armstrong?
The man was true greatness but you’d think more commentary would be on current riders rather than past legacy.
Comment by jim | 07.18.2006 | 4:58 pm
This just in from Lance’s press agent:
Armstrong announces that when the TdF officially restarts he is going to enter the race himself. In order to honor his promise to retire, he will NOT be riding a bike. He is convinced that he can win yet another tour but this time on foot. With the absense of so many competitive riders in both body and spirit…he may have a point.
More to come as the story develops…