Wherein Dug, Full of Righteous Indignation, Challenges Me to a Duel
A note from Fatty: Yesterday, I (considerately) wrote a letter to my good friend Dug, in the hopes of dissuading him from his ill-conceived plan of riding the Leadville 100 on a rigid singlespeed (click here to read it).
Dug, alas, took offense.
In the interest of fair play and equal time (for I am a generous person, as well as fair and just. Oh, and handsome. I’m handsome, too.), I have posted Dug’s reply below.
Elden, you are my friend. In fact, you are one of my oldest friends, and by old, I don’t mean that you are old (although you are), but that I’ve been friends with you for a long time. So long, in fact, that when I met you, you were a retarded, floundering rollerblader. I took you to the bike shop to buy your first bike. And your second bike. I think you’re now on your eighteenth bike, but I got bored helping you buy them and lost track.
In short, Elden, you are a flibberdigibit, and a poor judge of Leadville finishing times.
You are also a dipweed.
Challenge
Rather than list all the reasons why I shall not only finish the Leadville inside of 12 hours next year, not only finish inside of 12 hours on a singlespeed, not only a singlespeed but a RIGID singlespeed, not only finish Leadville on rigid singlespeed, but in UNDER 10 hours, rather than list all the reasons why I’m confident that I will do this, I will simply offer you a wager.
- If I finish Leadville next year in less than ten hours on my crappy, “Brad Keyes maintained” Surly Karate Monkey rigid singlespeed YOU will give ME whatever bike you ride in Leadville.
- If I finish in Leadville in more than 11 hours, I will give YOU the bike I ride in the race.
- If I finish between 10 and 11 hours, we’ll call it a push. You keep your bike, I keep mine. But, in this case, since I’ll have finished (and you contend I won’t finish), you’ll have to maintain my bike for me for the rest of calendar 2007. Â
Pick up the glove, Ricky Bobby. I will enjoy haphazardly training all next year, eating Pink Cookies and Twizzlers and cookies, drinking Diet Coke during the race, and collecting your $4,000 bike at the finish line. After which I will celebrate my 42nd birthday, and as a gift to myself, I will ride your (my) bike on Hog Hollow after a rainstorm, and never get it tuned up.
Fatty Responds
Fool that you are, Dug, I accept your challenge–in spite of the fact that you’re oh-so-courageously betting your $400 bike against my $2500 (not $4000) one–as long as you agree to the following stipulations:
-
If you do not finish at all, you give me both your Surly and your Gemini. I will use the Gemini for parts, or donate it to charity, if they’ll have it.
-
If I decide to do the race on a singlespeed (and I do not at this time commit to any such thing) and finish the race an hour or more faster than you, you must wear the “Fatty Rules” jersey on at least one ride per week for the following 12 months (Botched will be happy to loan you the jersey, I suspect).
-
If I decide to do the race on a singlespeed and then successfully finish, but you do not, you must live with the shame of that memory for the rest of your life.
PS: If you’d like to place your own Fatty v. Dug bet, I’ve created a topic in Fatty’s Forum for just that.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 11.2.2006 | 1:34 pm
Someone needs to create a matrix to keep track of the wagers going on here.
dug, you are going far out on a limb here. May I point out that finishing the race depends on your bike staying in one piece; for example, the upper part of your front fork must not become dissociated from the lower part of your fork.
Botched
P.S That muddy Hog threat is just brutal.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 11.2.2006 | 1:35 pm
What ? FC?
*spits Horchata on computer screen*
Now you are riding The race singlespeed?
Guys, guys….settle down. there is only so much ‘training’ I can sneak through customs. Enough for one softening adle brained middle aged balding cyclist. not two.
Comment by Diego | 11.2.2006 | 1:36 pm
Well, I think Dug just might be able to do it.
If he could sprout wings and fly.
…
I want a Fatty Rules jersey! =) *drools* =)
Comment by SyracuseStu | 11.2.2006 | 2:00 pm
In the event the wager results in a “push”, how honestly bad will it be to blow some air into the tires and spit some grease on the chain for a year? Isn’t the beauty of a single speed that you pretty much do nothing other than RIDE it? The good father I am, I have diligently been “maintaining” my son’s coaster brake equipped single speed for a year now. I think I put some duct tape over the rip in the saddle. I barely have time to sleep with all the maintenance I am doing.
Comment by bikemike | 11.2.2006 | 2:08 pm
in the words of chris tucker and ice cube in the first Friday movie,
DAA-YUUUM.
i’m real glad i don’t live near you guys, i don’t think they make waders that cover the top of your head and the person standing on your shoulders at the same time.
is this really an audition for future grumpy old men sequels?
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 11.2.2006 | 2:54 pm
Are you guys going to have a bad weather contingency plan? Maybe just add 1.5 hours to all times?
Comment by nathanv | 11.2.2006 | 5:07 pm
(rocking with head between knees)
…please don’t fight…
i hate it when you fight….
Comment by Seph | 11.2.2006 | 5:16 pm
Dug will win hands down if FC losses as much weigh close to the race date as he did this year. FC, watch the mashed potatoes this winter and give yourself a better chance to win.
I will really enjoy the run up to this. tahnks for the entertainment.
Comment by kenny | 11.2.2006 | 6:15 pm
Dug.. I think the wheels on your crappy “brad keyes maintained” surley karate monkey actually belong to me. So, if fatty wins the bike he would have to start buying me americanos at starbucks at least once a week.
Comment by Born4Lycra | 11.2.2006 | 6:18 pm
Next week here in Oz we have the horse race that stops the nation the Melbourne Cup. The amount of people that clamour to get a bet on this one race that know nothing of Horse racing (me included) is phenomenal. They use favourite numbers, colours, country of origin etc anything in fact other than form. So in light of the recent discussion to help me decide who to bet on in this upcoming epic on wheels what colour are your bikes? As my mum used to say “ah well as long as no one gets hurt”
P.S. is it pronounced lead as in the metal or lead as in first in the race.
Comment by Al Maviva | 11.2.2006 | 6:25 pm
A $2500 bike wagered against a $400 bike plus a bike Dug would have to pay somebody to take off his hands? Way to bring a plastic knife to the gunfight, Fatty. You going to give him some weight, too, like they do with jockeys in horse racing? The dude watches his diet a little bit, starts riding single speed and doing some hard fixed gear training including hills on the road (you caught that part, right Dug? It’s how my really fast buddies build strength for their high level MTB SS riding…) he’s going to stomp you.
Wow, what a sucker bet. I’m going to laugh when you’re crying about losing that bike, Fatty.
Comment by cheapie | 11.2.2006 | 7:55 pm
oh noes!
dug…in order to prove fatty wrong all you had to do was finish the race! but now you’ve upped the ante so far that in order to prove him wrong, you now have to accomplish something far harder than what was originally talked about.
basically, in response to someone kicking you in the balls, you reacted by pulling out your junk and slamming it in the car door yourself.
Comment by barry1021 | 11.3.2006 | 6:06 am
OT-final numbers on the Pan Mass Challenge in the Boston Globe today. A check for $26mm was handed over to the Jimmy Fund in support of the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. 99% of money raised goes to the charity. Not bad for a two day event. Congrats to all participants on a job well done. Unfortunately one rider that I support did a header over the handlebars on the second day, but he is OK-i think he has personally raised over $250,000 over the years!!
B21
Comment by sans auto | 11.3.2006 | 6:30 am
They’re so cute at that age
Comment by cavercyclist | 11.3.2006 | 8:22 am
Fatty vs Dug is going to get completely out of hand, or burn out long before Leadville. Tone it down, guys: it is barely November.
On the other hand, this could be entertaining…and perhaps even instructive.
Comment by jeff | 11.3.2006 | 8:23 am
Born4Lycra, it’s “lead” as in metal.
don’t take them too seriously; they’re always this way.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 11.3.2006 | 11:42 am
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was scared to be too close to you pair.
Comment by Zuke | 11.3.2006 | 12:30 pm
Ohhh this is gonna be a good start to the new web site… : )
Comment by Heffalump | 11.4.2006 | 10:41 pm
Gee…I wonder if you guys could get a guest spot on WWF Smackdown so you could badmouth each other on TV. I can already imagine the flying spittle. I think friendship is just grand.
Comment by Sport Crazzzzy | 11.5.2006 | 1:22 pm
http://sportcrazy.net/cycling/handbags-at-dawn-fatty-vs-dug/
(trackback ain’t workin)
Comment by the weak link | 11.6.2006 | 1:32 pm
What’s a dipweed? Wikipedia doesn’t list that.
Comment by Gomez 38 | 11.7.2006 | 10:33 am
It’s okay, I’m here to help.
1) nobody feel sorry for Fatty. This is an oh-so-transparent attempt to justify to his wife that he needs to buy a new bike.
2) dipweed: it’s a kind of dip, but less desireable; like weeds.
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Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Close But No Cigar, Part VI: Dug’s Tragedy | 08.19.2007 | 8:30 pm
[...] PS from Fatty: According to the terms of our bet, if Dug failed to complete the race, he is required to give me both his Surly and his Gemini. Since, however, the Surly has been parted out and I would not want the Gemini under any circumstances, I hereby claim an equivalent prize: Dug’s Waltworks single speed. Unfortunately, this bike is too large for me, so I will allow Dug to continue to ride it, indefinitely, with the understanding that it is actually my bike and I am just letting him use it because I’m a really great guy. [...]
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