Answer a Dumb Question, Win the Coolest Jersey in the World
A Special Note from Fatty: Today’s post is going to bounce around like a pinball machine. First, I will talk about three cool things. Then I will use a weak transition to rathole on a spurious philosophical question. I will follow up this spurious question by launching an extraordinarily cool contest. Then I will conclude by reinstating a neglected tradition of my blog. Please hang tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
The First Cool Thing
Back when I was asking people for Christmas gift ideas, a few of you pointed me toward Twin Six. I checked out their site, and basically fell in love with their work. These guys design the awesomest-looking jerseys anywhere.
I liked what they were doing so much, in fact, that I started hounding them relentlessly, hoping I could get them to join the Fat Cyclist Ads for Schwag program. To do so, I did all of the following:
- Begged: I wheedled and cajoled. I whined. I whinged (using a British accent for the sake of credibility). It’s possible I blubbered. I was shameless.
- Lied: I told them that there are thousands and thousands of Fat Cyclist readers, instead of admitting that after writing each lonely post to myself, I then go to work reloading the page 7,000 times per day and writing a bunch of comments to myself under dozens of pseudonyms.
- Used Jedi Mind Tricks: This was not as effective as in the movie. My disappointment was severe.
To my delight, Twin Six eventually broke down and agreed to join the Ads for Schwag program. Which means that as of right this moment, you can go to Twin Six by clicking on the shiny new ad they’ve got at the top of the sidebar area. Go check them out. You’ll see why I was willing to grovel.
The Second Cool Thing
The second cool thing has a lot to do with the first cool thing. Namely, as part of the Ads-for-Schwag program, Twin Six has sent me a jersey to give away. In fact, they sent me a size XL “Speedy.”
I’ll be honest with you: I’ve tried it on.
I’ll continue to be honest with you. Their size XL fits like a roomy size L. It fits me just fine. I want to keep it. But I’m not going to, because I have a heart of gold. Instead, I’m going to do the right thing and give it away.
I’ll have more info on how you can win it a little later in this post.
The Third Cool Thing
The third cool thing is that I, for the first time in the history of ever, did not gain weight during the weekend. My wife and I went out to eat on Friday — my “free day,” and then I went back to eating reasonably on Saturday and Sunday.
Which means that instead of spending today and tomorrow repairing the damage I did to my weight over the weekend, I can continue to move forward.
I am so pleased with my newly found self control.
How did I do this, you may ask? Simple, really.
- The B7 Challenge: I’m getting a little panicky at the thought of what would happen if I lost to everyone in this bet. So panicky, in fact, that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to rationalize lapses in my plan.
- I got some good advice: I talked with Sans Auto, who it turns out has a Masters degree in Eating Right (MER). He told me I that I already have a good grasp of what are the right things to eat, and that I should try out “Intuitive Eating” (not sure that’s the exact term). The idea behind that is to eat a reasonable portion, and then wait for fifteen minutes before considering whether to go get seconds. If you’re hungry, go get more. If you’re not hungry (which is not the same as “not full”), don’t get more. It makes perfect sense, of course, but it’s not what I normally do.
- I use the crockpot, the rice cooker, and the George Foreman Grill constantly: By having something ready to eat when I get home, I’m not snacking when I get home from work. By making big batches of food, I have leftovers for lunch. The George Foreman Grill is useful for similar reasons, but in a different way. If you plop some salmon in a marinade and leave it in the fridge while you’re at work, when you come home you can use the George Foreman Grill to have it cooked within fifteen minutes. Finally, I use the rice cooker to make lots of brown rice, which is incredibly filling, tasty, and has the carbs I love and need.
All this boils down to: I’m fixing bad habits by learning how to make good, healthy food within the lifestyle I’ve got. It’s not a diet. It’s an adjustment. And it’s working at about the right pace: two pounds per week.
The Philosophical Question
OK, so I’m wising up, foodwise. But I know myself well enough to realize that even if I hit my goal weight of 148 pounds by August, at some point I’ll let my old habits resurface, and by Thanksgiving I’ll be wearing my fat pants again.
So while I was writing my most recent post — the one where I wonder whether it would be worth it to do laser hair removal so I don’t have to shave anymore — I started thinking: “What if there were something I could do that would make it so I wouldn’t ever have to worry about diet again?”
Then, of course, people who had actually done the laser hair removal thing weighed in, and I realized that the cost in time, pain, and money was just too much for me. Which brings up the question:
“What would I be willing to endure to stay at my ideal weight without dieting?”
It’s an intriguing question.
Here’s what I would be willing to do:
- I would take a daily pill
- I would take a daily injection
- I would have outpatient surgery
- I would eat a shoe (not daily)
- I would endure a painful — but not debilitating — electric shock, daily
- I would pay $100 / month
Here’s what I would not be willing to do:
- I would not have major surgery
- I would not eat something that tastes as nasty as okra or brussel sprouts
- I would not take a 5x/daily pill
- I would not take a 3x/daily injection
- I would not do anything that made it obvious to casual onlookers that I was cheating to lose weight (e.g., if this magic pill made me turn pale green, I would not do it)
- I would not be OK with side effects that leave me headachy, nauseous, or otherwise yucky-feeling
The Contest
So, to win the very cool Twin Six Speedy jersey (back of jersey shown here), tell me:
What would you be willing to endure to stay at your ideal weight without dieting? What wouldn’t you endure?
As always, in order to keep me from having to actually judge which comment is the winner, I’ll choose a quasi-random comment. What do I mean “quasi-random?” I mean that I choose comments randomly, but if I think the comment is not remotely interesting, I quietly reject it (i.e., I don’t send you an email saying, “Hey, your comment was stupid! So you didn’t win a jersey! Ha! Ha! Hahahaha!”) and pick a different random comment. So be interesting.
I’ll choose a winner this Saturday.
Today’s Weight
Back when I started the Fat Cyclist blog, I included my current weight every time I posted. It was a great way to hold myself accountable. A while back, I stopped, ostensibly because I had reached my goal, but in reality because I didn’t want anyone to see the startling speed at which my weight can rise.
Well, it’s time to start holding my feet to the fire again.
So, today’s weight: 174.2
Comment by dug | 01.22.2007 | 1:34 pm
i would eat YOUR shoes. both of them. but definitely not daily.
i would watch Beaches (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094715/). but not daily.
i would wear a skirt. sure, what the heck, daily.
i would plunge the toilets in my office as needed. wait.
Comment by Heffalump | 01.22.2007 | 1:44 pm
Woulds…
I would give up the cookie part of the oreo and just eat the filling, which is the best part anyhow.
I would limit my time sitting in front of the computer enjoying the hair whipping speed of high speed internet and instead actually get some exercise.
I would endure constant self ridicule for moments of weakness in order to spur myself on to better eating and exercise habits.
I would make a CD of “inspirational” songs I can’t help dancing to (think Rocky Balboa’s training music) and play them incessantly.
I would participate in a scientific study on fear response which involves being chased around by people who LOOK like psychos in ski masks who are carrying large kitchen knives.
Would Nots
I would not exchange my double stuf oreo filling for the wimpy regular oreo filling.
I would not trade my computer in for a personal trainer.
I would not endure constant ridicule from others in order to spur myself to better eating and exercise habits.
I would not purchase a leotard and join an aerobics class.
I would not seek out actual bona fide psychos and ask them to chase me with sharp knives.
Comment by Lisa B | 01.22.2007 | 1:54 pm
I would be willing to endure riding my bike to work at least three times a week, year round, to stay at my ideal weight without dieting.
I’d also endure shiny sparkly unicorns hypnotizing me and convincing me that chocolate, bread, cheese, and more than one glass of wine every other day will make me hurl uncontrollably for days on end.
I wouldn’t endure never having cheese again. Or Hershey’s Kisses. Or wine. Or good bread. OK, this list is going to be very long …
Comment by LanterneRouge | 01.22.2007 | 1:56 pm
I would be willing to lick a toad on a daily basis.
I would be willing to move to Utah.
I would be willing to give up practicing witchcraft, but not the toad licking part.
I would not be willing to give myself a Peter Gabriel-style reverse mohawk even though my hair line has different ideas in this regard.
Comment by buckythedonkey | 01.22.2007 | 2:04 pm
…and here I am in a Chicago hotel, pretty knackered from the flight from Blighty, scrolling down your latest missive with high (and, as it turns out, misplaced) optimism. I really thought that cool thing #3 was going to be the FC jersey itself. Time for a sneak preview?
Maybe you’re in final negotiations with Assos…
Still, it’s nice not to be comment #last for a change.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 01.22.2007 | 2:12 pm
I would be willing to forgo reading the fat cyclist from this point forward
Comment by DOM | 01.22.2007 | 2:17 pm
I would be willing to join an online challenge/wager that has greatly impacted my winter training more than it has my diet. Perhaps you’ve heard of it.
I would be willing to face rotten PA winter weather (we finally have some) to ride a time trial monthly. OK, that was cheating, it’s a repeat of the first item, but added some nice length. I never handed in a 500 word essay with less than 500 words.
I would be willing to take the stairs and avoid the elevator for trips of 3 floors or less.
I would do injections 4 times a day, as long as they’re like insulin injections. I’m not belittling what diabetics endure, I’m eliminating the injections with really big needles that leave you sore for days.
I would not forego relations with my wife.
I would not regurgitate the food I wasn’t skipping. I’m told that, technically, that’s not dieting.
I would not undergo surgery to remove body parts equal in weight to the fat I’ve gained by not dieting.At some point I would be left as a gelatinous mass like Jabba the Hut.
Comment by KatieA | 01.22.2007 | 2:25 pm
Would:
* I would play sport professionally – cause well, duh, I wouldn’t have to work.
* I would tell my brother what I weigh every day – he’s a personal trainer and would kick my butt, which co-incidentally, he does now.
* I would pay my trainer $200 a session rather than $60 if he made all my food for me as well as gave me training.
* I would give up caffeine. *bows head in shame*
* I would ride my bike to work (all 40km through the middle of Sydney city).
Wouldn’ts:
* I wouldn’t take a pill (or several) daily – tried that with the Xenical thing, and let me tell you, well, warn you – “oily stool” is not a phrase to be taken lightly.
* I wouldn’t have surgery – it’s cheating, and I don’t want the “excess skin” that usually comes with losing weight that quickly.
* I wouldn’t give up chocolate.
Comment by KatieA | 01.22.2007 | 2:27 pm
Forgot to also mention – I would (and after Fatty’s decision to, I suppose I better do so in solidarity) post my weight daily on my blog as well.
Bugger.
Comment by BIKEMIKE | 01.22.2007 | 2:33 pm
Is this one of those trick questions where if you put in “I will” instead of “I will not”, that they actually mean the same thing. God, i hated those test in school, i always did or did not do well on them.
Anyway. i would (not) give up watching Good Eats on a daily basis.
I would not give up excellent bar-b-que sauces on grilled chicken or pork type products.
By the way, Ben and Jerry’s has (a new?) banana split ice cream now. Not sure how long i’d be willing to go without that.
I would also give up having to hear Stairway to Heaven, Sweet Home Alabama and Freebird again, forever. Amen.
Comment by ant | 01.22.2007 | 2:47 pm
I would not give up cycling. It’s already apparent that I would not quit overeating, though I’ve tried that one over and over again. I would give up TV, even Battlestar Gallactica. I would give up my good bike (luckily I love my not-so-good bike). I would start bringing my lunch to work every day instead of eating out (that’s actually all it would take, probably–but I don’t, so would I really? Damn.)
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.22.2007 | 2:47 pm
I would not tolerate uncontrollable greasy stools from eating too much olestra.
Comment by weean | 01.22.2007 | 3:08 pm
I would not:
Give up cheese
Give up carbs
Give up vegetables
Give up time with my family
I would:
Er…. It’s a good job my wife loves me just the way I am, really (although she will generously remind me what a nice figure I USED to have).
I would give my right arm to find out why after eating like a pig all over Christmas, it’s only now, three weeks later, that I’m suffering visible weight gain. Perhaps it was the blood sugar temporarily ruining my eyesight in a diabetes-type fasion. That can’t be good.
ps the jersey’s too big for me, so I’d like to bow out of this draw. Plus it’s going to be Elden-scented. Eew.
Comment by Jose | 01.22.2007 | 3:28 pm
I would give up both of my sons to have time to ride everyday, but wait, that means that I have to give up my tranquility because I would have to listen to my wife bitching about me riding too much. Well I guess I prefer my sons.
Comment by Lofgrans | 01.22.2007 | 3:45 pm
Would:
- Give up my awesome (said oh so sarcarstically) job where I sit on my duff all day. Woohoo.
- Move to a perenially warm city (no small towns for this gal) where I can walk my dogs every morning without having to look like Ralphy’s brother on Christmas Story.
- Eat more vegetables. I really love them. I’ve even started putting spinach in my eggs in the morning. Its pretty tasty. I’m serious. No really, I am.
Wouldn’t:
- Give up sweets altogether. Here is the funny thing. I love caramel more than chocolate so I try to stay away from it because I know I can’t stop. So what do I substitute it with? Way too much chocolate. I’m one smart cookie. Mmmm, cookies.
- Eat anything that tastes bad. I love food and I’m going to enjoy it.
- Nothing unnatural like pills, surgery, or unhealthy habits. No commentary needed.
On the off chance that I would be random, I’ll gracefully decline as I’m a pretty short girl (two inches away from being legally handicapped) and (gasp!) I don’t really ride my back. And the coach is pretty skinny. Might as well go to someone who can use it.
BTW- FC, as you stated: “I would pay $100 / month”, I’m sure we could work something out!
Comment by SYJ | 01.22.2007 | 3:47 pm
It’s not the intolerably greasy stools, it’s the “anal leakage” (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_leakage#Diet) that you have to worry about.
I would give up pizza.
I would not give up pasta.
I would give up ice cream.
I would not give up chocolate.
I would give up breaded, fried foods.
I would not give up cheese.
I would ride my bike 5x a week.
I would not ride every day…my time with my kiddo is way more important.
I would wear lycra in public – off the bike (but only after I had lost the weight)
I would not wear a skirt. Sorry, Dug.
I would take a pill per week – even two…much more and I’d likely forget and botch the whole thing
I would not do daily shots…my wife had to go through IVF and needed daily shots (which I administered) for awhile. It took a few weeks before she began to like me again.
I would give up watching movies.
I would not give up watching football.
I would drink diet beer (almost) exclusively.
I would not give up beer, wine, and/or booze entirely.
I would eat okra or brusseles sprouts daily – prepared properly, they are FAR from nasty.
I would not eat black licorice – now THAT is nasty.
Comment by SYJ | 01.22.2007 | 3:49 pm
PS, please tell the folks at twin 6 that, thanks to your blog, they have a new customer. See? Their advertising WORKED!
Comment by weean | 01.22.2007 | 4:11 pm
A good thing about being Scottish (apart from the Irn Bru) is that it’s socially acceptable for me to wear a skirt, at least at weddings, etc.. And a perhaps uncommonly-known side effect is that the weight of a kilt plus sporran plus jacket with lots of shiny buttons means that wearing one immediately negates the calorific contribution of all the alchohol it’s obligatory to drink when kilted-up.
At least in my mind it does. That might explain in part my present physique. I would not give up wearing my kilt. I would consider taking up caber tossing, although I’m uncertain of the availability of cabers in Somerset, where I now live.
Comment by sans auto | 01.22.2007 | 5:00 pm
I think I have the opposite problem as the rest…
I do ride to school daily (12 miles ea. way)
I do eat lots of fiber, vegetables and whole grains
I do drink lots of water
I do have a metabolism that many people at this sight might kill for.
Therefore in order to not have my weight drop below 135 lbs (I’m 5′9″)
I eat 5 big meals a day
Eat at least one substantial snack between each meal
Check my weight daily to assure that I’m not below 140 lbs.
I don’t think I qualify for the jersey (although I would love to have one like it). Some “friends” once bought me a small shirt at a thrift store and then made fun of me when i put it on and I was swimming in it.
Comment by LMouse | 01.22.2007 | 5:18 pm
I would rather not win the jersey (too big) so I reserve the right to be as uninteresting as ever.
Won’ts
1. I won’t do the Atkins thing again. I’ve never been more depressed. What’s life without a bun for my burger, rice for my broccoli beef? I ask you.
2. I won’t be a vegetarian. I’m an omnivore, not a cow. Check out the teeth. I need the occasional steak.
3. I won’t leave the California coast. Not if an angel of the Lord appeared at the foot of my bed and promised me the body of a champion if I would only move to Utah. I’d have to pass.
4. I won’t eat any sugar-free or low-carb product containing sugar alcohols, such as sorbitol and maltitol. Delicacy does not permit me to give a detailed description of the effect these little time bombs have on one’s digestive system, but let me just say that whatever weight loss benefit they may hold is not worth the cost to your good standing with friends and co-workers.
What I will do (and already do.)
1. I will train for at least 2-3 hours a day, most of it outside, almost every day of the year. This makes it possible for me to maintain a fairly low weight and BMI, and enjoy excellent health without restricting my diet at all.
2. I will pay an absurd amount of money for an absurdly small house in order to live in a place where it is possible (and thoroughly enjoyable) to train outside almost every day of the year.
Comment by Scott | 01.22.2007 | 6:26 pm
Won’t give up drinking beer.
Won’t give up drinking wine.
Won’t give up meat, or tasty apple strudel for breakfast.
Will ride the exercise bike, but I hate it so much that
I Will ride on the frozen ice of Lake Minnetonka (see map) http://maps.google.com/maps?q=http://trail.motionbased.com/trail/kml/episode.kml?episodePkValues=1865408
Will get rid of all my fat pants (I can always make more)
Comment by barry1021 | 01.22.2007 | 6:35 pm
FC
Kinda surprised that Jedi thing didn’t work; always thought you looked a lot like Yoda. Anyway
I would:
Have a dream where I am the guy in that men’s body scent commercial with all the bikinied woman running at me, and wake up right before they got to me. Every night.
Give up caffeine. Notthatitmakes mejumpyoranything,Icanhandleit.
I would also give up, in no particular order: internet porn, my HO train hobby, ice cream once a week (i.e, I would have it one time less per week than normal, best I can do), my left nut, golf, my time trial bike (and NO AL, I wasn’t on it when I did my first TT), alcohol (not that big a deal for me), breads, one small toe (either foot, but not both), my truck, my wife (oops how did that slip in there, just kidding dear!), the rest of my hair (also no big deal for me), my home North of Boston (providing I did not have to live in the Big Dig) and my ability to nap almost anywhere. I would also get a tattoo, but a small one that could not be seen unless you were my wife or my doctor.
That’s a lot of stuff. I want it bad..
I wouldn’t give up
The rest of my ice cream inhalations (duh). Ice Cream is the nectar of the gods. I am talking about the good stuff, the gourmet stuff full of fat. I seriously doubt any self respecting god would touch the stuff that goes for $0.99/gal and comes in glowing colors.
Any of the rest of my bikes
My home in Arizona
My desire for every child to have a happy life, and world peace (sob! if I can pull off the bathing suit competition, I think I have a chance!)
I wouldn’t have anything to with electric wires and my scrotum (FC can I say that? Please advise)
I would not go to the proctologist any more than I have to. (do you see the nasty turn this is taking?)
I would not get a body piercing. I know what you are thinking-”the idiot would give up a toe but not get a piercing?” Hey, its MY list, do your own.
that’s about it. Did I win??
b21
Comment by rosehill | 01.22.2007 | 7:19 pm
What I would do:
- go to weight watchers meetings for the rest of my life
- write down everything I eat
- work out 5 days a week
- eat high fiber cereal for breakfast every day (even special occasions – and I love brunch!)
- give up regular ice cream
- get a tattoo (but since I don’t see this having any effect on my weight, I’m unlikely to actually do this one)
- feel hungry on a regular basis
- stop watching tv
- post my weight and workout on my blog (I actually started doing this yesterday)
What I won’t do:
- never have children (as a single woman in her 20s who has always struggled with her weight this might be necessary to never be heavy again – but I’m not willing to give up on the idea of kids just so I can be skinny)
- give up carbs (funny how close this is to never having children, and yet the two don’t really compare)
- give up music
- give up my job
- never binge again (how I wish I were capable of this; life has proved that I don’t have it in me…but I do try)
Comment by Born4Lycra | 01.22.2007 | 7:28 pm
“What would I be willing to endure to stay at my ideal weight without dieting?â€
Interesting question in that I have now modified my diet and will stick with it for life. So technically I will always be dieting following my CSIRO High Carb Low protein eating plan still got a couple of kgs to go. So I will endure sticking to the plan where endure is really a misnomer in that endure implies it is hard when it is pretty easy.
I am prepared to “endure” my eating plan so that I can ride further, faster, longer and uphill! So that I can live longer and better and enjoy my family and friends more. Conversely as BikeMike pointed out I will not endure giving up my eating plan for the same reasons.
By the way BikeMike I can eat unlimited sauces/dressings as long as they are not oil based so the BBQ’s are fine. When can I come over?
I I may digress I would like to inform you all of an observation I made at the final stage of the TDU on Sunday here in Adelaide. The riders were shining examples of how to promote our sport and entertain the crowds. They were truly great ambassadors for our sport, their teams and countries. These blokes went out of their way to be affable with the fans signing autographs on anything that was presented to them, chatting with all and sundry (even through some language barriers) and putting on some great racing. They made new fans wherever they went and they just won over the kids so easily. My 15 year old daughter has suddenly started talking about cycling and I guess Baden Cook and Simon Gerrans both telling her she had the ideal build for a racer and the SA.Com team insisting she join in there team photo at one point might have had something to do with it. Fabulous tour, fabulous races, fabulous riders, fabulous teams, fabulous atmosphere (pity about the TV coverage KatieA) only 51 weeks and they are back again. Can’t wait.
Comment by Al Maviva | 01.22.2007 | 7:31 pm
Clearly, to win this, a rider would have to give up or not give up the best (or worst) item on everybody’s list. Sorry about the length, but clearly this will take some effort. So, drawing on every previous writer’s list, here goes.
Like Dug, I’d watch Beaches. But in a skirt while plunging the toilet, like he does.
I’d listen to Heffalump’s inspirational music, but only after stabbing my eardrums out with the steakknives wielded by the psychos chasing him. (I hate friggin’ upbeat crap.)
I’d tow LisaB’s butt to work in a pedicab, in spite of her incessant talk about unicorns. What is this? Pretty in Pink (Bell Helmets)?
I’d lick Lanterne Rouge’s toad. (In spite of my sinking feeling that “toad†is Lanterne Rouge’s pseudonym for something really disgusting).
I’d be willing to forego reading Eufemanio Fuentes’ comments. That would be a real loss, because he’s nearly as freakin’ funny as Doktor Laemmler, only he’s funny on purpose so I don’t feel like I’m laughing at some poor mentally ill guy who deserves sympathy.
Like DOM, I wouldn’t be willing to forgo relations with his wife.
I’d be happy to drink all the caffeine that KatieA is giving up. Yep, I’ll take one for the team, if that’s what it takes, Katie. Um, better make that latte a Grande.
I’d give up the Southern Fried Rock that BikeMike hates so much, because I loves me some Skynyrd, and lord knows, I love to be unhappy. Really, the I-Pod has like four Skynyrd albums loaded on it. Get rid of that, get me a little Kraftwerk on the I-Pod, find me some tall hills to climb, and I’ll be hatin life, aka crappin’ in the high clover.
Like Ant, I’d give up Battlestar Galactica, but only the old one and not the new one with the menacing hot robot chicks with spines that glow when they get turned on. Weird thought – if the Psylons backs all glow when they get turned on, wouldn’ Psylon swinger’s clubs, strip clubs, or any really kinky scene involving lots of Psylons be like the un-sexiest places in the world? It would be like a Japanese car factory, with bright lights, the hum of machinery… if that didn’t put you off cybernetic nookie, I don’t know what would. Where was I…
Oh yeah, Botched. I’d put up with Botched’s oily stools, but only if he agreed to deposit them on my mortal enemies’ property – the neighbor’s car, my cat’s litter box. I hate that little furry kung fu expert. I don’t like my cat much either.
I’d eat all the cheese and carbs and everthing Weean says he’d give up, and like his wife, I’d keep loving him just the way he is, but probably not in the same way unless we’d both been drinking quite a lot.
I’d be happy to listen to Jose’s wife bitching about how much he rides, because that would fully occupy one ear, and it would reduce by 50% my Perceived Spousal Earhole Suffering Threshold Level from my own wife’s bitching about how much I ride.
I’d help Lofgran give up his sedentary job. Matter a fact, Lofgran, don’t worry about it. Consider it done. I called your boss, told him you’re blogging at work, and it should be all taken care of by tomorrow at about 9:15 AM. I’d bring a box to work if I was you – kinda hard to carry all that porn you printed out on the company’s color printer in the pockets of your cutoffs. I’d recommend stealing the business card stock for your porn printing needs rather than the legal and blueprint paper, if you ever get a job again.
For SYJ, who seems excessively worried about anal leakage, I’d help him prepare all those foods he wants to give up into an enema mixture because you can absorb nutrients that way. The leakage will be no worse, and on the plus side, he’ll avoid ever having to chew okra again. So it’s really a win-win for him – more oily leakage to complain about, and less chewing of slimy okra.
I wouldn’t do anything for Sans Auto. Sounds like his life is bad enough, what with eating 5 huge meals a day and never gaining any weight. Check it out Sans – the next time you take the dog to the vet, snag one of those worming pills when he’s not looking. It’ll fix you right up. Be careful about the oily worm-filled discharge though – other than the worms it seems to be the bane of most people on this list. If you don’t want to take the worming pills, I get the sense that eating a bag of Olestra-cooked potato chips would do the trick.
I’ll give up abstaining from handcuffing Lmouse naked to a lightpole in The Castro for writing an entry that basically says “my life is so frikkin’ good I don’t need your smelly contest.â€
And as for Barry… I’ll give up imputing drug abuse and foul sexual proclivities to him. His life is tough enough, what with the drug abuse and foul sexual proclivities, without me piling on. Um, in the figurative sense, of course.
Finally – I’ll give up any hope of winning this jersey, since it’s about a size too small for me anyhow. Bummer.
Comment by Josh- | 01.22.2007 | 7:32 pm
I would be willing to lie about my height and add 6 inches in order to have an “ideal” bmi, or live on a beach in the winter months in baja eating only fresh fish and fruit.
I would not give up wine, winter ales, cheese, chocolate or the occasional bourbon unless I got the beach in baja.
Comment by MBonkers | 01.22.2007 | 8:00 pm
Wow can I relate to some of these comments.
I would give myself shots 4 or more times a day (I’m a diabetic, no biggie)
I would pay someone to wake my sorry butt up in the morning to workout.
I would spend enough hours on the trainer to hate my TV (Fatty, can you relate yet?)
I would make a valiant attempt to eat more green, and less brown.
I would never give up cheese.
I would not go for surgery unless I could painlessly look like Brad Pitt and bike like Lance.
I agree with Lmouse that the sugar alcohols are out. Got diabetes, thought they would provide my candy fix without the sugar, bad experiences ensued.
I would never admit publicly that the extra large jersey would probably fit me just fine, er, yeah…
Comment by Not So Skinny Cathy | 01.22.2007 | 10:04 pm
To never have to diet again and always be at my ideal weight?
I’d give up my daily pot of most excellent coffee. ouch.
But I’d never give up my wine or my martinis.
Or would it be the other way around? oh, the dilemma.
I would definately give up wasting all my time reading blogs and online forums.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 01.23.2007 | 5:24 am
oh my god….I so totally want that operacion puerto T
Comment by turnonthejets | 01.23.2007 | 6:31 am
Hmmmm….I would;
Eat a shoe, not daily, but probably monthly
Take a few pills daily, sans side effects or health concerns of course
Go to bed early
Give up coffee
Watch Beaches in the getup too!
Wouldn’t;
Well…apparently always eat well, drink less, and workout lots. I’m trying again now to do so but it’s so damned hard….you’ll notice I didn’t enter your contest ;)
Comment by xmasnvegas | 01.23.2007 | 6:40 am
Woulds:
I would start commenting regularly to this blog, rather than just lurking at work.
I would work while at work, and read this at home.
I would finish building my cyclocross bike.
I would read the entire FC archives.
I would call me sister more.
Would not:
I would not eat tomatoes, unless they are pureed in salsa.
I would not eat any fungus.
I would not give up my wife’s cajun cooking. At All.
I wouldn’t get laser hair removal. I’d wax, it’s cheaper.
I found Twin Six in that same Christmas post. The only things I asked for this Christmas were a Twin Six Argyle Jersey, Size XL, and the T6 sack. Sadly, I’m still Twin Sixless. For shame.
Comment by mark | 01.23.2007 | 7:13 am
I would…
…give up television, the Internet, my car, my house and all my worldly goods, except for my bicycle.
…wander aimlessly across the country on my bicycle until my bicycle broke down, and then I would continue on foot.
I would not…
…cling to my current lifestyle any longer.
Yup.
Comment by Kah | 01.23.2007 | 7:18 am
How about trying a fancy techno gadget to maintain your weight? Check out bodybugg.com
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.23.2007 | 8:13 am
It’s appropriate that you should post a “pinball” blog on the day you start posting your weight. At last some real entertainment on this blog: watching the numbers following “Today’s Weight” bounce around as if produced by a random number generator.
Comment by Mike P. | 01.23.2007 | 8:15 am
I ain’t playing your jersey game.
I just want to congratulate you on getting back to your roots and posting your weight. It helps motivate my own attempt to get race-ready. So here goes:
Good job, Fatty.
Comment by Genghis Khan | 01.23.2007 | 8:27 am
I would eat some bugs
But no more than three or four
Give me the jersey
Comment by Lemyke | 01.23.2007 | 8:39 am
If I could eat anything I want to
- I would ride my bike to work 3 or 4 times a week.
- I would stop eating Smarties.
- I would try actually riding my cyclocross bike off-road instead of only using it for commuting.
- I would not stop eating barbequed pork ribs.
- I would not stop eating cookies every once in a while.
Comment by Genghis Khan | 01.23.2007 | 9:07 am
If the Haiku was too sophisticated and cerebral for the reading masses, I offer this limerick:
There once was a fat chap in a cube safe and snug,
Oh, how he wished he could climb like that wicked fast Dug;
He decided to lose lots of weight,
So he watched each bit of food that he ate,
And to make sure it stayed off he swallowed a bug!
Comment by Miguel | 01.23.2007 | 9:30 am
What would I endure?
- Having to get up in the early morning to ride before work
- Getting time at lunch to ride with a group of people
- Getting paid to ride
- Getting tested on a trainer for scientific posterity, even if they stabbed me with needles a lot over the course of three hours, oh wait, I have done this!
- Following the orders of someone in charge, like a team leader or coach
- A controlled eating environment, i.e. where some one else picks what you eat and the pantry is not full of the best foods but still tasty healthy ones, no control is placed and how much you eat though
What would I not be willing to endure?
- Someone constantly telling me to lose weight
- Swimming in a pool all the time
- Indoor Exercise only
- No more cookies, especially homemade ones
- Cold showers at work after exercise
- In fact, the cold here is pretty bad and the snow is also bad… I better go and weigh myself!
Comment by DP Cowboy | 01.23.2007 | 10:17 am
What would you be willing to endure to stay at your ideal weight without dieting? What wouldn’t you endure?
Now, could this be a multi part answer for A) and B)?
I will keep it short…because that is what we ranch hands do…few words, lots of meaning.
I WOULD stick to the project schedule here at the ranch (loaded with heavy labor activities) and finish these projects on time. This would automatically result in weight loss (given no increase in calorie intake!) I WOULD be sore, tired, whiny and grumpy most of the non-working, but waking, hours. Bike rides are part of that time, so until I hit the goal weight and/or acquire a bunch more energy and strength, I will be forced to sit on the back (no whining allowed in my group).
I would have to go to bed an hour earlier and get up and hour earlier, which, as all of you know, if a MAJOR change. Eventually, finishing all of the projects will make my gal Sal very, VERY happy.
I WOULD NOT resort to all of the old tricks for weight loss, including most of Fatty’s list, but specifically:
Injections, pills, operations, shoe-eating, paying anyone any amount for advice on what to eat and how to exercise!
Comment by Tim K. | 01.23.2007 | 10:57 am
Give the jersey to Al Maviva for his clever post. Although, he could not have done it without all the inspiring comments before, that was some of the funniest commenting I have heard in a while.
I would be willing to watch Bill O’Reilly every night and read an Anne Coulter column ever morning. (on second thought, maybe I’ll just take the weight gain.)
I would absolutely in now way be willing to give up beer. Porter -NO. Stout -NO. IPA – God, NO!, Lager and Pils – maybe.
Comment by JerYang | 01.23.2007 | 11:18 am
I would go back to dial up.
Comment by FliesOnly | 01.23.2007 | 11:34 am
To maintain my ideal weight without dieting, I would endure…
1) …weekly Time-trials. I HATE time trials. I would rather ride 70+ miles in the rain than do a 11 mile TT.
2) …having my wife pat me on the belly every morning and then ask me: “when’s the baby due?”.
3) …giving up Soda Pop on a permanent basis.
I would NOT endure…
1) …an operation of any type.
2) …taking any drugs on any sort of regular basis (hourly, daily, weekly, etc).
3) …eating foods that barely slow down on their trip through my digestive system.
Comment by Ben | 01.23.2007 | 11:40 am
Willing to endure: ride 200 miles, run 50 miles and swim 8 miles a week (nothing new there), give up chocolate for all except one day per month, give up processed meat, pop a no-side effect pill daily.
Could not do: No chocolate EVER, suffer chronic flatulence, take something that shortens life expectancy, have my hair fall out, watch any stinkin’ bette midler movie, go vegetarian (nooooo!!!!), eat my wife’s cooking every day…
Comment by Jessica | 01.23.2007 | 11:40 am
I would give up all enjoyment of food. Seriously. I wish I didn’t like food as much as I do, so if I could take a pill (even daily, even multiple times a day) that made food not taste good, I’d only eat to fuel my body and not for pleasure.
I would not give up training, vacations, my kids, or my friends. I might be convinced to give up my husband, though.
Comment by Big Boned | 01.23.2007 | 12:11 pm
Ok, cut to the chase.
I’d be willing to give up reading this blog and meeting all the nuts here, though my life would only be a empty shell. Some of you clowns have WAY too much time on your hands. Do you have jobs?
I wouldn’t be willing to give up my bike (or food).
Comment by Big Boned | 01.23.2007 | 12:12 pm
PS: Fatty, if this is the coolest jersey in the world, I’m a bit concerned about what my FREE FC jersey is going to look like….
Comment by Rick S. | 01.23.2007 | 12:25 pm
I would drink nothing but Diet Coke and eat nothing but peanut butter & honey sandwiches
I would not give up Diet Coke and peanut butter & honey sandwiches
Comment by Stephanie | 01.23.2007 | 12:37 pm
I personally cannot fit into the jersey, but my dad can (barely). And hopefully the tight fitting jersey would give him the motivation to start working out again! So here it goes
Things i’ll do to make my dad lose weight:
1. Force him to put on lycra and get on a bike…. in public!
2. Lecture him continuosly on the effects of having a beer as an “afternoon snack.”
3. Tell him he’s getting old
4. Make him dinner and make him eat everything on his plate.
5. Show pictures of his childhood to his friends so they can mock him relentlessly.
6. Make him go shopping with me for an entire day and LIKE IT.
7. Buy him a new bike and a nice pair of running shoes (those things are expensive, so that’s the equivalent of paying for pills or shots and etc.)
Things I will NOT do to make my dad lose the weight:
1. take away steak. He becomes very ornery if he does not have at least 1 steak on a weekly basis.
2. Take away coffee. I do not want to make this an unpleasant experience for the both of us… just him.
3. Make him calorie count. He’ll resort to a diet of toast, ham & cheese sandwiches, beer, steak and cookies… and make them fit into his daily calorie intake.
Sappy Daughter moment (warning). I want my dad to be healthy, so honestly, there isn’t anything i wouldn’t do to make him get in shape.
Comment by born4felt | 01.23.2007 | 1:00 pm
I would:
1.
Comment by Tim K. | 01.23.2007 | 1:00 pm
Oh, and in my not-so-humble opinion, Twin Six’s best jersey is The Buck. Had we been competing for a medium one of those, I certainly would have tried to be more clever – or more random – or done whatever it takes to win these fixed contests.
I wish that they would make one for us folks who have to ride in the south-eastern US, incorporating Baptism, NASCAR – preferably one of the Earnhardts, and Tobacco (yuck) into the design, so folks would be less likely to run us off the road!
Comment by barry1021 | 01.23.2007 | 1:02 pm
Al said
-His life is tough enough, what with the drug abuse and foul sexual proclivities, without me piling on. Um, in the figurative sense, of course. -
I just threw up in my mouth a little with the visual that your comment created, however short-lived it was.
Hmmm, maybe i will post it on the ‘fridge.
b21
Comment by born4felt | 01.23.2007 | 1:06 pm
Sorry, I have postus interuptus.
I would:
1. Learn to fly.
2. Punch a dangerous monkey.
3. Give up my fear of heaven.
4. Amble around town aimlessly.
I would not:
1. Bathe.
2. Speak badly of Lindsey Lohan.
3. Curse my fallen arches.
4. Answer silly questions.
Comment by Brewinman | 01.23.2007 | 1:22 pm
I would allow myself to be forced to read Genghis Khan’s lame attempts at literature.
I also would not give up my home-brewed beer, maybe near-beer, but definitely not real beer.
Comment by Brian C | 01.23.2007 | 1:42 pm
im not even going to address the question. i dont want a big ass jersey. i just wanted to get on here and say that recently i have discovered the george foreman grill and it has changed my life.
ok all its done is added 10 hot dogs to my daily diet. but they are delicious hot dogs.
Comment by bikemike | 01.23.2007 | 1:45 pm
i would also give up green eggs and ham. actually just the green eggs or any other food that is green and not a vegetable. if it was green and there was a good barbeque sauce then maybe i would like it and then give that up also.
i would also give up Dug’s chocolate chip cookies if he would send me some and i liked them also.
Comment by TeeBone | 01.23.2007 | 1:49 pm
Things I would and would not do in order to maintain my ideal weight WITHOUT dieting. Without! Now, having emphasized the importance of the word “withoutâ€, I shall post my lists of would’s and would not’s and you will notice that none of my points will include giving up any food items, nor will they include anything about forcing myself to eat any food items. That would be dieting, now wouldn’t it? A diet is what you eat, not just what you don’t eat.
Ok, breathe!
* I would not sell my soul to the devil.
* I would, however, rent it, as long as I can borrow it back on Sundays. (Except for during the 24 hours of Moab until noon Sunday; I’ll need the devils help until then)
* I would not donate any internal organs (at least not for the sole purpose of being lighter. If one of my children needed one, I’d give it. How much does a kidney weigh?)
* I would donate sperm however, but I am getting pretty old, so I am not sure how long I can keep that up (no pun intended, of course).
* I would definitely become a chef and do all of the cooking. (It would work out nicely with my ability to eat as I like and still maintain my weight due to my aforementioned soul rental).
* I would not clean up the dishes (It’s a matter of principle).
* This one will hurt Fatty – I would give up reading blogs about fat people who like to ride bikes. Sniff… (Long pause)… Can I have a minute?
* I would not, however, give up reading blogs about people who USED to be fat, and who like to ride bikes. Get it?
Great Jersey, I can’t wait to win it!
Comment by the weak link | 01.23.2007 | 1:58 pm
Well crap, no one’s being honest around here.
I wouldn’t give up anything. I’m a glutton. I like to eat. I hate to exercize, although bike riding has done a lot to reverse that.
I would put up with greasy stools, come to think of it, because then I could beat my son for sure in a farting contest.
And without ice cream, fame and fortune have no meaning.
Comment by Rob | 01.23.2007 | 2:31 pm
I probably wouldn’t refuse give up Non-Trans-Fats and No foods with Trans-Fats.
Unless they didn’t remove the Trans-Fats prior to Hydrogenation.
Comment by Diego Noronha | 01.23.2007 | 3:14 pm
Interesting post today. Well lets see..
What would I be willing to endure to stay at my ideal weight without dieting?
-I would endure not reading/watching/talking about the Lord of the Rings for an ENTIRE year.
-Not watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phenoix on the FIRST DAY (yes I’m a nerd, thank you very much).
-Having to listen to Celine Dion singing LIVE every day for a year.
What wouldn’t I endure?
-Losing internet access. That would mean no Fatty :(
-Not being able to go cycling. Totally defeat the purpose for losing weight
-The ability not to use the letter “e” ever again.
My name has an E in it, so I need that letter.
Enjoy fatty enjoy! This post was low in fat so it’s good for you =)
-Diego
Comment by LMouse | 01.23.2007 | 3:17 pm
Why, thank you, Al. I didn’t know I had it so good, what with the high cost of living and all. A visit to the Castro would be a fun first for me. I hear it’s very tastefully decorated.
Comment by JP | 01.23.2007 | 5:43 pm
Background:
I’ve gained 50 pounds since moving to the Chicago suburbs in 2002. I lost 45 of that in 2004 after buying a mountain bike, which included keeping biking after breaking my ribs falling off of a very steep incline. (I even managed to break the seat off the post with my rear when I hit.) I gained it all back that winter. In 2005, I ripped huge holes in the backs of my heels (don’t ask) and could barely walk, not to mention bike. In 2006, I bought a road bike, dropped 10 pounds, and then the weather went to hell.
What I would do to:
1) Move someplace I can bike all year.
2) Move someplace where good weather doesn’t mean “two weeks in July, sometimes)
3) Start doing my own cooking again.
4) Quit my job, without having another job lined up, and do 1, 2, and 3.
What I would not do:
1) Eat a live frog every day.
2) Stay single for the rest of my life.
3) Have any surgery.
4) Play Whack-A-Mole once a week.
Note: I am actually doing 1, 2, 3 and 4 on the “What I would do” list. I resigned from my job last Thursday. I don’t have another job lined up. I’ll be moving to Florida in February, where I hope to lose the weight, get my lung capacity back, and go from there. Florida isn’t a biking mecca and it’s flat, but at least I can bike year round and sail (my other passion).
Comment by ibisss | 01.23.2007 | 9:28 pm
1. I would not give myself injections daily. I live in East Vancouver–there are lots of ladies and gents here who give themselves daily injections, and they sure are skinny, but they are also kind of scabby and they end up having to shoot into their necks and toes and, um their undercarriage, because their veins in their arms collapse.
2. I would definitely go around telling everyone how clever I am for losing this weight, and tell them they could too, if they were as clever as me.
3. I would cut out the crap, and get my fat, sugar, and salt from things a little closer to the ground–i.e., whipping cream and homemmade blackberry pie, instead of pop and chips.
4. I would not go vegan. Those vegans always seem to be bringing up their BMs in public, and how they are so much better than carnivores. (see number 2 to expose my hypocricy)
m burdge
Comment by KatieA | 01.23.2007 | 9:40 pm
I thought, in the spirit of all things friendly (and since you all yakked on about slow cookers a little bit ago), I thought I would post a link for you that was on the MSN site today:
Slow Cooker Soup Recipes
http://lifestyle.msn.com/foodandentertaining/recipes/StaticSlideshowBHG.aspx?cp-documentid=2523872>1=8988
I realise I may be shooting myself in the foot here by giving you all healthy advantages in the B7, but darn it, I’m that kind of girl. :) After all, I don’t have a slow cooker (I wouldn’t even know where to get one) – so I have no use for them.
Is it very sad that when I see an article like that, I immediatley thought of all of you on here??
Comment by monkeywebb | 01.23.2007 | 11:28 pm
I would:
-Allow a person selected by FC to set my car’s radio to the station of their choosing where it will remain for life. They could even choose static, though I reserve the right to move to a city that actually gets a station on that frequency.
-Eat a food I hate once a day, every day (select from swiss cheese, rye bread, eggplant, grits, blue cheese, orange marmalade, and a few others).
-Eat crab on a weekly basis, despite the nausea and projectile vomiting that ensues.
-Go bald. Permanently.
-Vacuum daily.
I would not:
-Allow someone to permanently set my car radio volume at an ear splitting level. You can choose what I listen to, but I don’t want the guy next to me at a stoplight to know what it is.
-Eat crab daily. Sick for 12 hours a day is too much, even if I’m skinny.
-Sweep daily. I’d rather be fat.
-Leave my hair like it is now forever. Have you seen pictures of my dad’s hair thirty years ago? Times change, if I have hair it should too.
-Get a tattoo above the collar. What’s the point of being skinny if all that people notice is my fun body art?
Comment by spinner123 | 01.24.2007 | 8:52 am
WILLING TO AND DO:
Lead a non stop 40 mile fast drop ride and get dropped every Sunday. South Florida it’s flatttttttt
Get up at 5.30 AM 3 – 4 days per week. 45 minutes windtrainer before breakfast to burn fat.
Get walked by my bad tempered dog 45 minutes per day. And scoop his poop, yeccch.
Eat “light” Mon – Thursday.
Go to Dahlonega, GA and ride 4 – 5 times per year. No flat roads there !
Ride Mount Mitchell Climb May
NOT WILLING TO DO
Subscribe to phony evangalist on TV and buy into God sent weight loss proigram
Listen to Diane Rheems Show on Public Radio, have you ever heard that crap. Her voice will make you but earplugs.
Admit at my age I should be in bed in a nightshirt.
Give up my hulking SUV.
Stop work and retire.
Comment by cyclechic | 01.24.2007 | 9:15 am
I would:
1. Write down everything I put into my mouth (including the asphalt from my last demonstration on how NOT to land on your face)
2. Cycle up Cardiac hill every weekend
3. Make an a$$ out of myself during business lunches by asking how things are prepared and finally deciding on something that’s not on the menu (steamed veggies, grilled chicken, and oh do you have brown rice?)
4. Wake up at the ungodly hour of 4:30 to jump into the freezing pool and pretend I’m a hamster on a wheel 3 days a week (by the way it is possible to fall asleep while swimming laps)
5. Wear a scarlet letter on my chest announcing to the world that I am on a diet so don’t you dare offer me a slice of B-Day cake
I won’t:
1. Have surgery of ANY kind
2. Strap a semitruck to my back while cycling up cardiac hill
3. Wear unflattering spandex for 6 hours every weekend (oh wait…I already do that)
4. Run on the dreadmill for any length of time
5. Post before and after pictures of me in a swimsuit ANYWHERE
Comment by Caloi-Rider | 01.24.2007 | 9:20 am
That jersey would never fit me. But I’d still be willing to make some serious sacrifices for this weight thing:
I’d be willing to actually go jogging. Maybe even more than once a week.
No, seriously.
Comment by HiStrung | 01.24.2007 | 9:39 am
Would do:
1. Cast my crock pot into the garbage with extreme prejudice as all I seem to make with the thing is chicken gruel.
2. Give up recreational use of my ‘performance enhancing’ asthma inhaler.
3. Stop reading VeloNews
4. Wear a pink polo, white pants, green socks and penny loafers. err. on second though… ok, but only when racing in Crash 5.
5. Actually ride my bike.
Would NOT do:
1. Give up Battlestar Galactica.
2. Have a boil on the rim of my nose, combined with a cold, having to painfully blow my snot into a public school brown paper towel. Don’t ask.
3. Take the job of being Justin Timberlake’s personal assistant.
4. Let my hair grow out and do a comb over. A mullet I would do, but not a comb over!!!
5. Go into the locker room at 24 fitness. Last time I went in I was privy to an older asian guy standing completely buck naked at the sinks using the air hand dryers to blow dry his ‘parts’… HIS PARTS!!!
Comment by Jose | 01.24.2007 | 9:47 am
After my wife read these comments I think I will give up my wife too.
Comment by Jen | 01.24.2007 | 11:36 am
Would do:
1. Take a pill or a shot
2. Pay $100 a month
3. Kiss a monkey
4. Jump out of a plane (I swore I’d never do that!)
5. Eat lima beans and brussel sprouts (ewww)
Would not do:
1. Give up chocolate (could that be part of the problem? :)
2. Give up the Internet
3. Always buy bike parts at retail
4. Give up my sweetie
Comment by James | 01.24.2007 | 11:51 am
what happened to my incredibly funny list of things involving weight loss ninjas chopping the fat off and never drinking water again to avoid all that water weight?
Comment by Mike | 01.24.2007 | 1:11 pm
I would
Take a pill/injection
Ride my bike to work more often
Give up beer (I’ve done this before for 12 months)
I would not
Become a vegetarian (I don’t eat a lot of meat but I like it)
Give up good Aussie wine
Attend weight watcher meetings
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 01.24.2007 | 1:14 pm
And today’s weight is?
Comment by Chris | 01.24.2007 | 1:50 pm
I would give up ice cream
I would not give up ice cream
I can see this would be a very difficult decision for me.
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Yeah, I Guess You Could Say I Have a Little Incentive to Lose Those Extra Pounds | 01.24.2007 | 1:58 pm
[...] « Answer a Dumb Question, Win the Coolest Jersey in the World [...]
Comment by James | 01.24.2007 | 3:05 pm
Well it looks like my brilliant post was lost. Now I am going to have to try and remember all of the things that I said I would endure to keep my weight at 195. It was a fairly spectacular list, and in keeping with the fatcyclist theme of constant comedy, it was particularly funny and well thought out. So even though I toiled tirelessly on the old list I think I can remember some of the items. These are the things I would give up or maybe not be willing to endure to maintain:
1. Water. I would give up drinking water. They say that when you lose your first 10 lbs its all water weight. Every time I sit in the sauna for a couple of hours I can lose like 15 lbs…as soon as it seems to come back the next day though and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is all water weight. So, to maintain my target weight I will give up drinking water and stick to colas.
2. Exercise. Come on guys, we all know that 20 minutes of shuffling along on the elliptical trainer is only good for about 250 calories. My body uses 2500 just lying motionless on the couch. Since my basal metabolic rate (BMR) is so high, I wouldn’t want to mess with that by doing anything like exercise where I am only burning 10% of the calories.
3. Vitamins. I could really go without vitamins. Most of them are what they call fat soluble the other half are water soluble and we already talked about water weight. These vitamins live in fat…they need it to survive. Well I am gonna get rid of the fat and water then they wont have any place to dissolve or live so who needs em.
4. Ninjas. Let’s assume, and I have pretty a pretty good source that tells me this is true, that there is a band of fat hating ninjas. I would NOT let these crazy ninjas ambush me assassin style and lop hunks of fat off my body like a butcher trimming fat off a steak. Now I know they say they’re special ninja swords and it doesn’t really hurt all that much but come on that’s almost as gruesome as having someone fish around in your fat belly with a suction straw slurpin it out to make soap with. Plus we all know that a ninja’s only purpose is to flip out and kill people. (http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm)
5. Running. Are you serious? Why does anyone like this…
Things I would do
Go to the gym 4 times a week, ride my bike and eat right…ok I would try those ninja’s but I wouldn’t want to know when they were coming.
Anyway hopefully posting twice has increased my random choosing chance… I want that jersey and I don’t want to have to pay for it… plus come on, XL is my size.
Comment by Brendon Swanson | 01.24.2007 | 4:58 pm
I would would give up posting comment entries to win jersey’s I should be buying with my own money.
I would give up trying to think of witty posts that took me five hours to write… oh, that wasn’t me.
I would begin to jump rope.
I would cease jumping rope after I began and then fell over, winded because I’m too damned fat to be jumping rope in the first place.
I’d wear a terry cloth headband and wristbands to the gym… and possibly while riding.
Comment by Mark W | 01.24.2007 | 6:05 pm
Things I would do:
- ride more even if it means irritating my knees more :-(
Things I won’t do:
- rig the scale.
PS: Fatty I don’t know how you do it. For a while we were at the same weight (160-ish). Then all of a sudden you bloat up and all of a sudden you drop down. Are you a human balloon of some sort?
Comment by walter | 01.24.2007 | 7:26 pm
Would:
- go back to 9-speed (or even 8-speed)
- forego carbon frame and components
Would not:
- give up clipless pedals
- give up brifters
- give up compact crank
Comment by vertigo | 01.25.2007 | 5:20 am
I would…
-give up my car
-get a job as a PE Teacher so I can play for a living
-play with my kids
I will not resort to…
-any fad diet
-surgery
-drugs
-paying someone to make decisions for me
-drastic measures like giving up Lindt dark chocolate or the occasional Big Rock Beer or my Mac
Comment by Lowrydr | 01.25.2007 | 5:30 am
Didn’t think I’d try this one, but here goes:
Would:
Talk to my wife of 24 years (almost 25) every day and say, “I love ya Honey”
Ride my touring bike more often
Eat more veggies, but not Okra or Brussel Sprouts (blech)
Wear a really cool Twin Six Jersey, never had one (jersey that is)
Would’nt:
Give up riding my touring bike
Give up my Roast Beef and double Taters and gravy (sorry B7′ers)
Stop having a really good Ale after work 3 times a week
No but really, I’ve never spent the money for a really cool Jersey. Even in my go fast days. Always fixing the bike or Van to get the bike somewhere so I can ride. Or taking the kids when they were little buggers in the bugger trailer on week-end rides across the state. Two out of three have stayed with cycling as a hobby. And now that I’m 53 and a slow tourer the Speedy Jersey would be a great redundant joke with my riding buds. They would tease me relentlessly about the Speedy part. I’m kinda slower than them. But I’d be willing to take it for a really COOL Jersey. Which I’ve never really had one of. OK I’ll quiet down and stop begging now.
Comment by Lowrydr | 01.25.2007 | 5:32 am
Oh yea, the dreams about this will stop now that I’ve posted, right? And it’s just my size too.
Comment by regina | 01.25.2007 | 7:04 am
I would eat okra (in chicken gumbo or fried)
I would eat brussel sprouts (with butter of course, because I would be eating brussel sprouts aren’t I suffering enough, the universe would neve make me gain weight from eating brussel sprouts I am sure.)
I would eat chicken livers sauted in olive oil with lots of black pepper till they are just a little crispy on the outside.
I will not eat sage or any food prepared with it.
Also due to an unfortunate incident with some experimentation with a meat loaf recipe, the same goes for oregano unless it is masked enough by other ingredient so I cannot taste it. This trick does not work with Sage, I can always identify sage.
I am prepared to consider major surgery, I am going to need more details on that though, and any minor surgical thing Oh Yea, I would totally due a minor.
I would also consider hiring a personal trainer but I will likely wait until dissatisfied with results later in the year, in a Panic then I will hire a trainer, and be a total basket case for them until they pay me not to call them anymore.
Comment by Derek | 01.25.2007 | 9:32 am
I would:
1. Become a Vegetarian
2. Pay a one-time fee of up to $5000
3. Go to Church / Synagogue / Mosque Monthly (I am agnostic)
4. Eat a cup of Poi daily.
I would not:
1. Inflict harm on anyone other than myself.
2. Pay a monthly fee (I plan on living a LONG time).
3. Like Church / Synagogue / Mosque
I could possibly be convinced to do the religious service thing on a weekly basis. Either way, I would NOT commit to going to the SAME religious service every week or month. I would instead hope from service to service to get a taste of all the crazies.
Comment by danielo | 01.25.2007 | 9:35 am
I WOULD…
…give up my driver’s license forever
…shave my head
…allow myself to be slapped in the face every morning
…get a tattoo
I WOULD NOT…
…cut off any body part
…eat a fried bologna & peanut butter sandwich
…slap my mother in the face
…get my nose pierced
Comment by Andrew | 01.25.2007 | 3:09 pm
I would:
a.) stop being a vegetarian
b.) punch an old college buddy in the face on a reular basis
c.) spend an extra hour at my 9-5 job each day
d.) shave my head and grow a beard for the really dumb beard, but no hair look
e.) learn how to perform a full overhaul of a suspension fork
I wouldn’t:
a.) ever agree that Back to the Future 1 was the best of the three
b.) root for the Boston Red Sox
c.) allow an old college buddy to punch me in the face
d.) ride a stationary bike at a gym for more than 20 minutes
e.) give up cheese or beer
Comment by Operagal | 01.25.2007 | 4:12 pm
Would
* Take a pill with every meal
* Listen to a friend complain about how fat she and how it’s never going to change for 30 minutes a day
* Hold a worm in my mouth for 10 minutes a week
* Have a bruise given to me daily (I bruise easily)
* Fall off my bike once a month in some spectacular (and humerous) fashion
* Let a dog chase me daily for half an hour
Would Not
* Needles or shots EVER! Not even listen to icky squicky needle talk (shudder)
* Surgery
* Listen to rail thin girls complain how fat they are
* Vomit – Ewww
* Revert to the way I looked before I lost the weight for an hour every day
* Eat any internal organs of any animal
* Give up champagne or wine
* Let a car chase me on my bike once a month
Comment by Lurch | 01.26.2007 | 7:19 am
Fatty,
You have a lot of CHEAP friends.
Seriously. Some put more effort into trying to win a jersey than they have at their jobs this week. Some have spent more time trying to win a free jersey than they have riding their bike this week.
Cheap I tell you.
Comment by beakasaurus | 01.26.2007 | 11:30 am
I would give up smoking
I would not give up India Pale Ale
Comment by Eljimador | 01.26.2007 | 12:38 pm
Things I would do:
-I would ride my bike to work and the gym everyday (anybody have a cheap fixie they want to unload?)
-I would work out a min of 1.5hrs per day (more if required to close the deal)
-I would still eat healthy – (there are many reasons besides weight to eat nutritious food)
-I would wear a free Twin Six Jersey (yes it would fit me)
Things I would not do:
-Take a daily Pill
-Take a daily shot (unless it was Tequila)
-Eliminate alcohol entirely from my diet
-Give up biking
Comment by Rocket | 01.27.2007 | 1:32 pm
I woud be willing to endure standing in one of those vibrating belt jiggle machines for 15 min per day.
I would not be willing to weigh every item of food that I eat.
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » The Best of the "Open Letters To…" | 01.28.2007 | 9:59 pm
[...] A Very Special Note from Fatty: Last week’s contest to win the ridiculously cool Twin Six Speedy Jersey was huge. I’m really glad that I long ago learned my lesson and no longer force myself to actually choose an entry I like best, instead going for the extremely-clever selection technique of choosing a random comment, and if I like it, it’s the winner. [...]
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