What Will Jan Say?
Any cyclist who has ever followed pro cycling is guaranteed, at some point, to identify with a particular rider. Long ago, I identified myself with Jan Ullrich. Like him, I gain weight in the off-season. Like him, I don’t go in for the fast attacks, preferring to eat at rivals’ leads a little at a time. Like him, I have won the Tour de France, but only once.
One statement in the above paragraph may be an embellishment.
Anyway, you can imagine I became curious when earlier this week I read this in Cyclingnews:
The ‘Jan Ullrich Team’ announced the press conference on Tuesday afternoon, saying that the cyclist “will discuss the past and will give the good news about his professional future.”
Reporters shouldn’t expect too much, though: “Please be aware that Jan Ullrich will not answer any questions.”
“The good news about his professional future?” Well, that’s just begging for speculation, isn’t it?
So fine. I’ll speculate.
The Easy Guesses
There are two really obvious things Jan could be saying at this press conference. One of them would be interesting, and the other one would suck:
- Interesting: Ullrich’s got himself a team, and he’s planning on winning every race on planet Earth this year.
- Suck: Ullrich doesn’t have a team and has stopped trying to find one. He’s retiring from pro cycling so he can focus full time on modeling jackets that look like they came from the set of Michael Jackson’s Thriller:
(By the way, Jan: I’m only telling you this because I don’t want you to hear it from someone else, but…that jacket doesn’t have a particularly slimming effect on you.)
Bold Thoughts
It doesn’t take much in the way of deductive prowess to assert that in this press conference, Jan will either say he’s racing or he’s not. But certainly, that can’t be all there is to it, right? I mean, he’s already not racing; it doesn’t take much of a press conference to say that he’s going to continue to not race (although that does in fact give me a terrific idea for my next Fake News Service). If he’s racing, who with? If he’s not racing, what’s he doing instead?
Or maybe he’s going to surprise us with something completely out of left field.
These, as I see them, are the most awesome possible outcomes of Monday’s press conference:
- New Career in Pro Cycling: This Monday, Jan will announce that he is launching his career as a professional endurance mountain biker, focusing on 24-Hour and 100-mile events. “It’s time someone brought some serious game to this sport,” Ullrich will be quoted as saying. “For my first races, I will be entering the 2007 Leadville 100 and the 24 Hours of Moab, Solo Class.” Elsewhere in the world, Tinker Juarez and Floyd Landis simultaneously and spontaneously self-combust.
- Wants to Spend More Time With His Hair: In early 2006, Jan was clearly poised to take the world by storm, not just with his riding ability, but with a hairstyle unmatched by anyone in the post-Cipollini era. And then he was robbed. This Monday, Ullrich will announce that he has taken his hair to the next level. He will announce that his hair is race-ready and faster than ever before.
Exciting Announcement About the Jan Ullrich Bike Line: Oh, you didn’t know there’s such a thing as Jan Ullrich bikes? Well, there are. And, frankly, they’re pretty darned sexy-looking (except for the Olymp, which looks like a mountain bike). Anyway, on Monday, Jan will announce that Trek has acquired the Ullrich bike line. Elsewhere in the world, Lance Armstrong and Greg Lemond simultaneously and spontaneously self-combust. - Announces Intention to Become Full-Time Keirin Racer in Japan: Noting that he always has had trouble keeping the weight off during the off-season, Jan has decided he will no longer have an off-season, by becoming a professional Keirin racer in Japan, where he will race on a daily basis for the popular gambling-fueled Japanese racing industry, much as if he were a racehorse. Elsewhere in the world, every Keirin racer spontaneously self-combusts.
- Challenges Lance Armstrong to a 1-on-1 Race Across America: “Lance, let’s find out once and for all who’s the strongest. Just you and me, from California to New York. No teams, no support. First one across the finish line wins.” Elsewhere in the world, a certain fat cyclist starts giggling uncontrollably.
Other Possibilities
Of course, I’m just one guy, with one guy’s opinion. Of course, it’s an extremely well-formed and insightful opinion, but there is at least a tiny chance that I’m not spot-on.
So that’s where you come in.
Tell me what you think Ullrich will be announcing this Monday — either what you think he’ll really be saying, or what you wish he’d be saying.
I’ll hand out fatcyclist.com email accounts to five random people who get the answer right, and to another five people who get the answer wrong, but entertainingly so.
PS: Today’s weight: 164.0 (I skip the grapefruit for one night and gain half a pound?)
Comment by dug | 02.23.2007 | 10:59 am
that’s a big twinkie.
Comment by dpcowboy | 02.23.2007 | 11:25 am
“Strudel, you twit, I said, ‘Another helping of S-T-R-U-D-E-L,’ not tiramisu. The Italians never liked me, anyway, when I rode for Coast, er…Bianchi.”
Comment by DOM | 02.23.2007 | 11:29 am
In a suprising twist, Jose Conseco will walk to the podium with der Kaiser. The beginning of the press conference will be comprised of a slide presentation of Jan’s career which will be completely ignored by the press as they exchange guesses about the connection to Conseco. All speculation ends when the future plans are revealed and Jan and Jose announce that 1) neither of their names is pronounced with a “j” sound even though both start with a J; 2) they will be collaborating on a tell-all book, and 3) proceeds from the book will be used to fund what will be the most suspicious team in pro cycling. Sponsors will include Amgen (drunk with excitement over their involvement with the legitmate side of cycling in the TOC), Becton-Dickinson (official syrinige supplier to Team JJ), the Red Cross, and BALCO Labs.
Comment by Jouni | 02.23.2007 | 11:35 am
In a stunning turn of events, Jan will retire from the pro peloton to Monaco.
He will then focus on his until now little known true life’s passion: producing a line of high quality (read “high fat and yummy”) pastries.
Jan will be quoted as saying “You know that during my sporting career I was never able to lay off the strudel and black forest cake during the off-season. Now you know why: October through March was always a constant period of focus on tweaking my recipes. I put the same energy into recipe development and product testing as I did on training for the Tour. Well, maybe a bit more on the former!!!”
It is also rumoured that Michelin is waiting in the wings to sign Jan as a spokesman for the tire company. An unnamed Michelin source stated “Yeah, we’re really interested in Jan promoting the brand – it would be nice to have a human face to complement our well-loved cartoon icon. We need to be patient – Jan needs to get into Michelin form, and we can’t rush that. He needs to build to that level slowly.” The source went on to say it should only take 8 to 12 weeks after the launch of his pastry line for Jan to reach “Michelin form”.
Comment by Lowrydr | 02.23.2007 | 12:07 pm
Jan’s really going to announce his involvement in a new Cafe Nuor in the Soho District. It will be a heavy bike theme cafe with Brooks seats, Campy wheel tables and helmet shaped flower pots hanging from overhead. All his winning framesets will be on display with the jerseys too.
Of course the color scheme will be based on the Champion stripe. With future plans to expand to the Greenwich area after 6 months operation. The menu will of course be heavy on the German diet of fats and sugars.
With great ales on tap to please even the most picky of paletes. So belly up to the finish line counter and hoist a few calorie loaded glasses.
Comment by TimK | 02.23.2007 | 12:12 pm
I can’t reveal my source, but I have it on good authority that Jan Ulrich will be launching his Presidential exploratory committee and hopefully move on to be the next Democratic candidate for 2008.
Comment by Jen | 02.23.2007 | 12:30 pm
Not to be outdone by the upcoming Lance Armstrong biopic, Ullrich will announce the upcoming release of his own story on film, “Ring Dings of Desire,” starring international performance sensation David Hasselhoff, with music by Fatboy Slim.
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 02.23.2007 | 12:48 pm
I declare TimK the winner!
Maybe he’s announcing himself as the head of the ProTour alternative.
“Some observers see the ASO move as a first salvo in what could be a complete separation from the UCI and the creation of a rival racing league.” as quoted from: http://velonews.com/race/int/articles/11761.0.html
Comment by Nick Long | 02.23.2007 | 12:48 pm
weeeeell, he’s going to make a comeback for one last season and launch a full line-up of apparel
licensing deals will go awry and quality control will go on the fritz with his prime distributor being wal-mart
but none of this matters because phil liggett dies of catastrophic heart failure and ullrich is slated to be his replacement
the popularity of cycling in america increases tenfold as the ladies finally have a face to associate with the sport
Comment by barry1021 | 02.23.2007 | 12:54 pm
FC that is one funny post, LOL. The comparison of Jan’s jacket to MJ’s is insightful as well as hysterical. Is that really Jan? Geez, he looks like he is in the 50% body fat category. He probably is announcing one of the following:
1) Too little too late?? He has signed a contract as an advisor to Britney Spears on hairstyle issues. “This is the best possible news about my professional future, as it is a subject that I know much about, and I can actually sound relatively intelligent when i speak compared to her. Besides we have much in common; neither of us wear underwear, for example.”
2) Reappearing Twin? He will become the offical Fat Cyclist whenever the actual Fat Cyclist’s weight falls below 160. “This is the best possible news about my professional future, as it guarantees that i only have to work part of the year, as the Real Fat Cyclist’s weight is sure to continue to fluctuate between 148 and 193 as it always does.”
3) Ja, that is me, all right. Jan retires, and immediately blows up to 245 lbs. He then joins the cast of the hit TV reality show, “The Biggest Loser”, where the person that loses the most weight wins $250,000. “This is the best possible news about my professional future, as now I can get paid for riding a spin bike, and anyway I am already called the biggest loser by many people in Germany.”
b21
Comment by Jouni | 02.23.2007 | 2:15 pm
Jen: that was awesome. Ring Dings, Hasselhoff and Fatboy Slim. Killer.
Comment by the weak link | 02.23.2007 | 2:18 pm
Das Janer will to announce it that he is to be replacing the Red Devil on it das Tour de France, knowing that for exception he will be to carry real pitchfork for to inflict it das real pain on das uder entrants. It is will being real pain in the arses, if you are knowing what the Jan is the saying. Vink vink.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 02.23.2007 | 2:22 pm
I am pretty sure he is going to finally tell us the truth about the look and how many funnelcakes he had to eat over the years to come to terms with the mental damage it caused him.
Comment by Terri | 02.23.2007 | 2:44 pm
Der Jan is going to let the world know that he has signed a lucrative endorsement deal to become the official spokesperson for the up and coming FatCyclist.com clothing line.
Comment by BIg Mike In Oz | 02.23.2007 | 3:00 pm
That jacket doesn’t make Jan look fat. He is fat. Notice how he’s looking almost directly up in a futile attempt to stretch out his double chin.
Perhaps the grand announcement is that Jan will be signing with Discovery Channel and offering to become an uber-domestique for Ivan Basso.
Comment by axel | 02.23.2007 | 3:11 pm
He will be racing with – CSC.
Riis is his old buddy from the 1996/7 TdF, Bruyneel got Basso from him (and with that some great publicity including a fake news piece from fatty), so now Riis can get even. I am sure Fatty will write a fine fake news piece for this event as well. Jan did wait until after the CSC boot camp to join to save himself the pain.
If it were not the fact that all his fellow (suspected) dopers are already under contract somewhere, I would have guessed that he and all of Eufemios friends would start the cycling equivalent of the World Wrestling Foundation. No UCI rules, anything goes, Amgen sponsors and a race series that simply tackles all the meanest climbs and descents in the world to make for good TV. Disney would broadcast. But since everyone is already back in business this great idea has to wait until the next doping skandal (later this year…)
Comment by tridale | 02.23.2007 | 3:35 pm
Hopefully he will announce he is “clean” and ready to race with a new team….however he will announce that with the recent demise of Anne Nicole Smith that he will carry on her mission and become the new face/body of Trimspa world wide
Comment by tridale | 02.23.2007 | 3:41 pm
hope Axel is right though. Love to see Jan on Cervélo. Love those Canadian bikes companies
Comment by monkeywebb | 02.23.2007 | 4:27 pm
As much as this story needs to die, Jan won’t let it:
“I am very pleased to announce that tests will show that I am the father of Dannielynn Smith, Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter.”
Turns out that shortly after landing a spot with Telekom in 1995 Jan met Anna and helped her recover from the much ballyhooed loss of her husband. Together they fought through annual weight gain battles for nearly ten years until Anna landed the spokemodel job with Trimspa. Trimspa had a profound effect on both Anna and Jan. She no longer needed anyone to support her weightloss issues, and Jan found that he could double his offseason bratwurst intake and still fit back in his bibs for the racing season.
When Anna broke off the relationship early in 2006 Jan was disconsolate. Unlike years past he couldn’t curb his out of control strudel habit, so he compromised by tripling his Trimspa intake. Knowing the unregulated formula wouldn’t make it through tedious Tour testing he turned to the only person he could think of for biking (and clean blood) advice: Rudy Pevenage. As we all know that didn’t work out very well.
“My constant battle with the press and authorities in various countries has prepared me well to pursue this paternity case. I look forward to years of challenges that I will attack with the same ferocity as those little hills in France. My only fear is that Lance will come forward offering a DNA sample, too…”
Comment by LanterneRouge | 02.23.2007 | 5:01 pm
In addition to his revelation as being the father of Anna Nicole’s child, as monkeywebb so correctly points out. Jan will announce on Monday his newest sponsorship deal which also seeks to profit off the untimely demise of the former stripper and gold digger. I can’t go into details but I can tell you the tag line: TrimSpa mein leibchen!
Comment by Anonymous | 02.23.2007 | 6:25 pm
Well I’ve kind of been beaten to the punch but I had this vision of Jan and his team fronting the press conference announcing the formation of the new FC Clydesdale Pro – Cycling Team. They intended to race in all forms of competition on Jan Ullrich bikes (they even do an MTB) resplendent in the new FC Team colours. Full medical support would be led by the amazing Dr L and most importantly they announced that the FC had given the venture his full blessing and Jan was quoted as saying it does not get any better than that. The teams first objective would be to get involved in the now world famous B7 challenge and from their it was a short step and a jump to the full tour.
Comment by Anonymous | 02.23.2007 | 6:27 pm
Ooh look at that I’m anonymous. Not sure how that has happened. It’s actually Born4Lycra. Back to the Drawing Board.
Comment by Yukirin Boy | 02.23.2007 | 7:15 pm
Jan Ullrich (Bikes) to take over sponsorship of Discovery Team in 2008.
One Lance Armstrong spontaneously combusts!
Jan Ullrich is signed by Discovery – well they took Leipheimer and then Basso. Discovery announce that all three will win the Tour! Lance continues to claim Juan is the most talented rider in the peloton
Comment by tridale | 02.23.2007 | 8:16 pm
Monkeywebb you hit it on the head. well done!!
Comment by ibisss | 02.23.2007 | 11:41 pm
He will confirm rumours that he has taken his friendship with Cheryl Crow ‘to the next level.’
The microphone will pick up a remark intended as off-the-record to a friend that he had his own ’seven in a row’ record to set, ‘if you know what I mean…’
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 02.24.2007 | 3:09 am
Trying to fix my anonymity. Sorry for interruption
Comment by KatieA | 02.24.2007 | 3:10 pm
He’s announcing that he’s going to be starting a “Sometimes Fat Cyclist” blog, writing posts about how hard it is to lose the weight for a cyclist.
Come on, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the colours of that sexy jacket that he’s sporting. Look a little similar in colour to a certain FC jersey we all known and love??
Look out Fatty, he’s watching you.
Comment by Big Boned | 02.25.2007 | 4:19 am
Actually….Jan will announce that he has switched places with FC (or maybe the other way around). I had actually already sold that story to the STAR and ENQUIRER, you weren’t going to keep it a secret!
C’mon, you didn’t think that gimp mask could fool me did you? I know the real reason you submitted the pictures with the “VO2 Mask on” was to cover the obvious scars from the face transplant surgery. That can be the only explanation for the rapid weight loss and the unbelievable TT improvement!
Comment by Byrdbth | 02.25.2007 | 6:42 am
Jan will announce that he is retiring from cycling and moving into mangement..I know dull answer, but highly likly..
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 02.25.2007 | 5:11 pm
Jan says, “I’m going away to Spain when I get my money saved. Gonna start tomorrow.”
Comment by Lurch | 02.26.2007 | 4:43 am
NOW who is the most talented rider in the Peloton. Farewell, Jan.
Comment by Jouni | 02.26.2007 | 12:54 pm
BotchedExperiment: Awesome Jan(e)’s Addiction reference!!!
Comment by Heffalump | 02.26.2007 | 2:00 pm
I meant to post this earlier. But my prediction was that Jan has decided to leave cycling forever, but is excited to announce that he has joined an international paddleboating team and is pushing for a paddleboat Tour de Europe, the first leg of which involves a paddle boat race across the English Channel.
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