My Gracious Acceptance / Good Loser Speech
Today (Monday) is the day when I find out whether I won a 2007 Bloggie Award for “Best-Kept Secret Blog.” I promised I would post either my gracious acceptance speech – including a video of me demonstrating my ability to make my face turn purple — or my good loser speech, depending on whether I won.
There’s just one problem: I’ll be traveling for work — to Texas, though ironically to a different part of Texas than where the awards will be presented — and won’t be able to check the Bloggies site until several hours after the awards are presented.
So I think I’ll go ahead and post both of those speeches. One of them’s bound to be correct.
My Gracious Acceptance Speech
I knew I’d win. I just knew it. The other bloggers — a cowgirl, a moose, a dog, and a compulsive letter-writer — may have all actually been better writers than I. OK, fine, they all are better writers than I, but that didn’t matter in the end, did it? Because out of all of us, only one of us has tapped into the highly coveted overweight middle-aged comedy bike rider zeitgeist.
I predict nobody will ever trivialize this massive demographic ever again. Why do you think that bicycle racing is consistently one of the top-rated sports among television viewers, led only by football (both American and not-American), basketball, baseball, billiards, hockey (both ice and air), hot dog eating, yodeling, tennis (both regular and table), and gardening? It’s a huge sport and it’s on the rise. Watch out.
Next, I really should thank everyone who took the time and effort to vote for me.
But I’m not going to.
The fact is, you already voted for me, and it’s too late to take back your vote now, because I already won. Yeah, I know you’re thinking it’s incredibly petty of me to not acknowledge you, but that’s your problem.
I would, however, like to thank all of my Ads-for-Schwag partners for giving me lots of cool stuff to bribe my readers for votes with give to my readers as thanks for their continued support. Oh, and while I’m at it, I have an announcement: now that I’m an award-winning blogger, I’m charging $1200/week for ads. I hope that won’t be a problem for you.
Finally, I did promise that if I were to win this award (and let’s face it, there never was any doubt that I would), I would demonstrate my extremely rare and useful superpower: the ability to make my face turn purple at a moment’s notice.
So here you go: How to Turn Purple.
[youtube]eqp1sUbJ3SU[/youtube]
My Good Loser Speech
I knew I’d lose. I just knew it. I mean, how many cyclists are there in the world? 10,000? Maybe 12,000? Okay, let’s say 15,000, tops. And say a third of us are middle-aged. That’s 5,000. And then say 10% of that 5,000 has a sense of humor that matches mine. Now we’re down to 500. How many of us middle-aged cyclists with similar senses of humor are fat? OK, all of us, fine. But when you factor in that only 5% of the people in the world even know what a “blog” even is, we’re down to about 25 people in my universe of potential readers. Add in friends and family and we’re up to 27 potential readers.
So yeah, I’ve mentioned things about getting around 8,000 pageviews per day. The truth is, though, I’ve always known that 7,500 of those are just me reloading the page over and over, hoping — praying, really — that somebody has left a comment.
And I’m pretty sure Dr. BotchedExperiment is responsible for about 485 of the other daily pageviews. Thanks, Dr. Botched.
Still, when I found out that I had — through some cosmic error, no doubt — been made a finalist in the “Best Kept Secret” category of the 2007 Bloggies, I — fool that I am — held out hope that I would win.
Oh, what willful vanity!
Consider the blogs I was competing against:
- The Gilded Moose: A talented satiric writer pokes fun at celebrities. Well, who’d want to read that? I mean, besides everybody?
- To Whom It May Concern: A talented writer writes letter-form essays about common experiences. Who could possibly find something to identify with in a blog like that? I mean, besides everybody?
- Woof Woofington: A woman writes about her life from a dog’s point of view, including why people should learn “mouth to snout” resuscitation. Who wouldn’t want to know that? Well, I wouldn’t, but that’s just me.
- Confessions of a Pioneer Woman: A smart, funny, nice woman who’s also a stellar photographer and a talented writer tells engaging stories about her interesting life. Who could possibly enjoy such a blog? I mean, besides everybody?Â
It’s just not fair.
Oh, I guess now’s a good time to announce: I’m renaming my blog and changing its focus a little bit. From now on, this is the “General Purpose Blog About Everything and For Everyone.” I’m sure you’ll find something you like in it.
Anyway, I’m not bitter. I mean, it’s not like all my readers didn’t go out and vote for me.Â
Oh, you didn’t?
Well, I’m sure you meant to get around to it. That’s cool. I wouldn’t want to have inconvenienced you by making you take the thirty seconds required to go cast a vote for me. I mean, it would have taken a lot of effort (three mouse clicks) and money (none) to go vote for the guy who spends roughly an hour of each day writing something for your entertainment. I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with my irrational greed.Â
No, no. Don’t feel guilty. Obviously, my blog wasn’t worth your vote. Don’t start pretending like it is now. It’s too late for that.
Oh well. I guess I’ve reached the part where I have to congratulate the winner. Fine. Here goes:
Congratulations, winner. Enjoy your stupid Bloggie.
And now, I shall go sulk. Some more.
Please Leave Your Congratulations. Or Condolences. Or Both.
After about 1:00pm Central Time, the actual winners should be posted at the Bloggies site. Please feel free to check it out, see how I did, and leave me an appropriate note.
On the other hand, why wait to leave a note until you know how things turned out? I didn’t.
PS: Thanks to all the people who have entered the “It’s Nice to be Nice to Dave Nice” raffle. We’ve raised $1085 for Dave’s Great Divide Race fund so far (the raffle ends this Saturday, at which point I’ll be emailing the winners and sending out info on how to get your fatcyclist.com email address). As you can probably imagine, after telling Dave how much we’ve collected for him, I did not have too difficult of a time getting him to promise to wear a Fat Cyclist jersey for some of the days during the race.
Comment by jill | 03.11.2007 | 11:43 pm
Holy cow … the Bloggies are tomorrow?
I’d like to be the first to say congrats in advance. I already feel like that little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine” as she watched the guy who played foul-mouthed grandpa win Best Supporting Actor. You’re a shoe-in. And me … well … at least I can do a mean strip-tease.
Comment by DOM | 03.12.2007 | 3:19 am
Fatty, if you win, we knew it all along. Congrats and keep up the great work.
If someone else wins (you could never lose), obviously this thing was rigged, which we all suspected from the start.
Either way, please don’t post a video of your strip-tease.
Comment by TimK | 03.12.2007 | 4:49 am
I imagine that you will win only to have an investigative committee taint your victory when they reveal to news sources that they are waiting for your B tests to confirm the presence of pure coffee in your blood.
Comment by Jose | 03.12.2007 | 5:30 am
Fatty — where in Texas? I have an extra bike in San Antonio?
Jill — Why are you comparing Fatty to a grandpa? Are you insinuating that a 40-years old gives you that sense of, let’s call it, grandparenthood? I feel affected, this is a difficult age, you know? We are struggling to stay in shape and be the same boys we have always been. That’s why we do this entire mountain biking thing. We feel young, don’t compare Fatty to a grandpa, please.
Comment by Lissee | 03.12.2007 | 6:36 am
Thanks fatty for implying that I am middle-aged…when I turned 29 last year, I thought, “Well it’s over now, 29 is really 30, and 30 is really 40, and then it’s all over from there.” Well now I’m 30 and was starting to feel okay with my age when you called me middle aged.
Well, thanks, thanks a lot! Guess I’ll go sulk as well!
Oh, congrats by the way! (That is if you win…and if you don’t, you’re right! It was all rigged from the beginning!)
-Liss
Comment by Lissee | 03.12.2007 | 6:38 am
Oh, and you need to reset your website clock to reflect daylight savings (losing) time… No I did not wake up at 6:36 to check your website. I am comfortably checking it from my desk at work at 10:38. (Like most smart middle-agers who read your blog) :)
-Liss
Comment by dug | 03.12.2007 | 8:24 am
that is some fantastic CGI work. i expected you to sprout horns and welcome me to hell. except that’s already happened to me.
Comment by Chris | 03.12.2007 | 8:34 am
Winner winner, chicken dinner
Comment by Lisa B | 03.12.2007 | 8:40 am
And here I thought your skill was humorous cycling/blogging, when obviously turning purple is what led you to your current fame and fortune.
Or mild notoriety, at least.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 03.12.2007 | 8:46 am
I think what you’re doing is called the Valsalva manoeuvre (there is a 5% chance that is spelled correctly).
Jose, there was an article in the local paper today which mentioned a 50 year old man and his 12 year old granddaughter.
Also, just so you know I do have other (very important) things to do in life besides check your blog, I have set a personal maximum of 450 hits a day, which is no where near the 485 you accuse me of.
Comment by Lowrydr | 03.12.2007 | 8:49 am
My grandaughter just walked into the room and wanted to know why Barney was on my computer. You win the Bloggie.
Comment by Den | 03.12.2007 | 9:01 am
I have to admit when watching your video for a moment I got lost and thought I was watching the movie ‘Scanners’. I kept waiting for your head to explode.
Comment by sans auto | 03.12.2007 | 9:13 am
Dr. Botched, Right on, it was the Valsalva technique, and I think you spelled it correctly
Fatty, the valsalva technique is what I teach my weight training students not to do because if you build up enough pressure it’s a good way to push part of your intestines down into your scrotum. Although it is an impressive tallent (the purple thing, not the scrotum thing).
Comment by the weak link | 03.12.2007 | 9:17 am
Fatty, I for one would like to see you push your intestines down into your scrotum. We could all watch. That would make it a committee taint.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 03.12.2007 | 9:28 am
The weak link– a tainted taint.
Comment by Lissee | 03.12.2007 | 9:42 am
According to answers.com, the only risks associated with the Valsava maneuver is bleeding in the ventricle, blood clots and heart attacks, oh and dizzy spells.
So no problemo, you don’t have to worry about your intestines being moved to places you don’t want them. So you should be just fine! Keep turning purple for us Fatty. : )
-Liss
Comment by KT | 03.12.2007 | 10:18 am
Wow…. that video is actually pretty frightening… and really funny, too!
Fatty, congrats on winning, we all knew you’d do it… or, condolences on losing, it’s obviously rigged.
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.12.2007 | 10:31 am
Sorry Fatty, what the heck does that pioneer woman know anyway?
Look, I know a guy that knows a guy that knows how to take care of problems like this. You just let me know and we can have this whole mess cleaned up. (said with throaty italian mobster voice)
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 03.12.2007 | 10:31 am
BTW- loved the video, it made me laugh!
Comment by TidusBlue | 03.12.2007 | 10:43 am
Travesty! I demand a recount!
Comment by Lurch | 03.12.2007 | 10:53 am
Bastards!
Comment by Heffalump | 03.12.2007 | 11:17 am
Take comfort in knowing you can probably clean her clock in a mountain bike race! I mean really, a covered wagon against your Weapon of Choice? Come ON!
Comment by bikemike | 03.12.2007 | 11:32 am
maybe you should try out for the gay/lesbian catagory next year. i don’t know, just a thought.
Comment by RubyBlue | 03.12.2007 | 11:58 am
The bloggies were so rigged. Everyone who is anyone knows that you are the best kept secret. Who needs them anyway! nah
I do have an idea of how you can console yourself. Buy a new bike! I actually found myself at a bike shop this weekend browsing. Anyone, the shop owner had the most beautiful road bike I had ever scene. It was Italian made, fancy luggs, gorgeous landscape type frame – descriptions wouldn’t do it justice. Then I saw that it was a fixie. Thought of you in an instant. Alas, I decided to splurge on a new bike for myself rather than spoil you. Goodness knows you are going to get enough swag through the B7 challenge. But if you find yourself needing an amazingly unique fixie, I know where you can get one.
Now all I have to do is decide which one I’m going to ride today – being that its so gorgeous outside. Perhaps I better not play favorites and split my time…hmmm.
Comment by RubyBlue | 03.12.2007 | 12:02 pm
I am blaming my inability to spell on daylight savings time!
Comment by TimK | 03.12.2007 | 12:13 pm
I think if you did a little background investigation you would see your old pal Dr. Lammler voted for Pioneer Woman “a few” times.
It’s a conspiracy! It has to be. You have to be the best kept secret. I mean I never tell anyone about your site, they’d laugh at me.
Comment by the weak link | 03.12.2007 | 12:27 pm
Well OK, I checked out the other blogs that were nominated. In no particular order, here are one sentence or even one word reviews.
1) sucks.
2) glorified kitty blog; there’s nothing wrong with that.
3) clever, but heck, no mention of bicycles, so who the heck cares?
4) didn’t check it because there was no link; sounded lame from a distance.
I think the reason that your lost is that your blog really isn’t a best kept secret. Otherwise, you were hosed.
Remember this at schwag time.
Comment by Peri | 03.12.2007 | 12:52 pm
You aren’t by chance coming to Houston, Texas? I am sure I could arrange a welcoming committee. Let’s see what you can do on the flats!
Comment by Born4Lycra | 03.12.2007 | 1:56 pm
Well I even checked the Pioneer Woman’s blog after the announcement. can’t see the attraction myself altho she looks a lot better than you. She is obviously having the same problem with her helmet camera that you do. Double dissappointment really as following your tip I have been reading Up in Alaska for a while now and I voted (repeatedly) for her as well. There you go it must be my fault.
Comment by LMouse | 03.12.2007 | 2:20 pm
Jose: I have former in-laws in Southern Utah who were grandmothers at age 32. Yeah. 32. At least I was outa high school when I started havin’ youngins.
Fatty: I looked at Pioneer Woman’s blog to see if I missed something on the first read, and all I can say is….well…I still must be missing something. I mean, is it just me? It must be. She did win, after all. I’m trying to be nice about this but…wow.
I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. You should have won easily. By a mile. By a lotta miles. I’m obviously stunned by this distressing turn of events.
Maybe I should start a blog. I could write cutesy, folksy anecdotes about being an old and slow librarian/triathlete/grandmother. Now there’s a demographic for you. I’ll be HUGE!
Cycling is growing and so are Americans, Fatty. Soon you’ll be a household name. Heck with the bloggies. Hasta be rigged. That’s the only explanation.
Comment by GeekCyclist | 03.12.2007 | 2:22 pm
How can a blog that is the best kept secret get the most votes anyway? Maybe Pioneer lady got the LEAST votes…
Comment by Big Mike | 03.12.2007 | 2:56 pm
I knew it. I knew it. I just knew it ! ! !
I knew for certain that you would either win or lose. It was better odds than an each way bet on a 2 horse race.
That video explains a lot about your “never got off the ground movie career”
And as for those page hits… a few hundred are probably me. It’s apparently got something to do with the time difference or daylight savings or my OCD.
Comment by MTB W | 03.12.2007 | 3:55 pm
You wuz robbed! Apparently the best kept secret must mean that Pioneer Woman got the least votes. Booooo Bloggies! Who needs them! (I’ll have to bribe them next year – think they will take gu packs? I bet a Fat Cyclist Jersey to the judges would have put you over the top.)
That video is both entertaining and scary. Hope you didn’t hit anything on the way down after you passed out. It’s a great party trick! Who needs a clown for kid parties – I think you have a got a second career in case your current one doesn’t pan out.
Comment by LMouse | 03.12.2007 | 5:15 pm
And one more thing. As a former high school Special Ed. teacher, may I say that I strongly disapprove of your little face-purpling trick.
It’s always funny till somebody loses an eye, young man.
Comment by Podcastin' Cyndi | 03.12.2007 | 5:18 pm
Fatty,
I’m a friend of the Pioneer Woman, so I checked out your site. Fattty, you are da bomb! May I call you Fatty? Is that too forward for our first meeting? This was a hilarious post. I’m a little worried about that face turning purple stuff…..you may not live to blog again!
Comment by Rick S | 03.12.2007 | 5:36 pm
okay, I’m ready to vote. Where do I go again and how do I vote?
Comment by msk | 03.12.2007 | 6:23 pm
sorry you didn’t win fatty, just remember it’s not the winning that matters it’s the taking part (yeah, i don’t believe that either)
as my loving da’ used to say (God rest his soul) – “second place is first loser”
cheers
msk
ps might not be back for a while, going to give up biking, move to the country, maybe buy a ranch and take great photos
alternatively i could just start reading pioneer’s excellent blog but that makes me feel somewhat adulterous – do you mind if i read someone else? or do we have to be exclusive?
pps love the valsalva – any history of brain aneurysms in your family?
Comment by tigermouth | 03.12.2007 | 8:14 pm
Too bad you didn’t win, but if you did you wouldn’t be the cult classic you are, would you?
As for the Valsalva, I was frankly disappointed. I was expecting a brighter purple (think Violet turning into a blueberry in the 1971 Willie Wonka film) and in a much shorter time. Even in the time lapse at the end, I could barely see the color change. Passing out was a nice touch though.
Keep up the good work!
Comment by Weean | 03.13.2007 | 12:27 am
I’m not 100% sure I’m ‘on message’ here, but thank goodness you didn’t win, Fatty.
I’ve never really been cool: I studied a science degree (I have three!), I enjoy tinkering with bikes, I VOTE for goodness sakes, even in European elections. I’m a father, and as we all know, Dads just aren’t cool.
My whole self-image would crumble around me if I suddenly found myself two years ahead of the wave of what’s recognised as a cool site to go visit.
Although there was that lemon yellow blouson I bought about two years before it was fashionable………
Comment by HighwayMunky | 03.13.2007 | 5:08 am
Sorry you didn’t win dude, I love your blog. Keep it up. Besides if you did win and became really rich and famous, you probably would forget about us in the blogosphere. Keep it real and keep blogging mate.
You should hold your own awards. Winners get a little gold fatty!
Comment by Mike | 03.13.2007 | 12:54 pm
I’m sorry you didn’t win too. Better luck next year.
Comment by spin echo | 03.13.2007 | 6:27 pm
you and jill should have won –
Comment by Clydesteve | 03.14.2007 | 1:26 pm
I cannot imagine why the blog of some cowchick who tells about her brother-in-law seeing the inside of the crotch of her underware while repairing her toilet could beat you.
Except that she intersperses witty cowboy sayings like: “It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.” into her blog.
Witty cycle sayings….. hmmm…. Is there a performance enhancing drug that helps inspire witicisms?
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