How to Pay for Your Bike Stuff
When I want to buy something bike-related, I simply go to the bike shop and buy it. Doesn’t matter whether I need it or merely want it. I just buy it.
I can do this because I am a manly man, and as such have complete control of the family finances. My purchase decisions are made with confidence and authority, and are never questioned.
Nor are my choices ever ridiculed.
At all.
I’m that masterful.
Sadly, most of the rest of you are not as dominant as I am, so you must resort to cajoling, subterfuge, and other mealy-mouthed in order to support your biking habit.
Pathetic.
As long as you’re going to be so desperately sad about the way you purchase your bike gear, you may as well at least improve your technique, so you can beg, lie and steal with some style.
I’ll do my best to help, though — since I never, ever, ever have to resort to such underhanded techniques — I find the entire business intensely distasteful.
How to Beg
Begging is the correct technique technique to use when you believe your case for making a purchase is strong — your bike is old, your shorts are nearly worn out, your helmet is unbearably stinky — but you do not really, when it comes right down to it, have the money in the budget to cover the expense. What you are looking for, here, is a reprioritization of fund allocation. You are looking for, in essence, agreement that it is more important for you to buy a new headset than to buy new shoes for your children.
The best way to achieve this aim is to beg without seeming to beg. Follow these steps:
- Identify the non-essential item(s) currently in the budget which you want to replace with your very-essential bike-related item. The items’ prices must be approximately equivalent.
- Make a good case. Approach your significant other with an explanation of how you’ve been thinking it might be a financially sound move to hold off on purchasing the currently-in-budget item. “You know, dear,” you might say. “If we buy shoes for Junior this month, that means he’s going to wear out / grow out of these new shoes one month sooner. Suppose we waited an additional month. It’s been a mild winter and the holes in his shoes aren’t that bad. It’s not like it’d kill him to curl his toes under in order to fit in those shoes for one more month, either.”
- Look at both sides of the story. Once you’ve made your case, make the opposing case as well, but make it poorly. “On the other hand, maybe we should go ahead and buy those shoes for him now. I’m sure he won’t become a selfish, snobby kid just because we’re constantly buying him new clothes before he’s had a chance to wear in what he’s already got. Hey, in fact, he’s asking for a Playstation 3. Maybe we should look into buying it for him.”
- Avoid Direct Association. Once you have made your point, do not immediately say some boneheaded thing like, “Oh good, now with that extra money I’m going to buy new titanium axles for my pedals.” Wait 36 hours, and then say, “I’ve been needing [note: never say 'wanting'] new pedals for about nine months now, and it looks like there’s finally room in the budget. I’m going to go buy those today.” Note the presumptive close, and further note that there is no easy-out provided for your significant other (e.g., some mealy-mouthed phrase like “if it’s all right with you” tacked on to the end of the sentence) for your significant other. If s/he wants to shut you down, make her/him initiate it.
- Don’t be a spaz. When this works, you may be so amazed that you’ll be inclined to start falling all over yourself with expressions of gratitude and promises of future favors. Don’t do this. If you do, your significant other will realize that s/he has been hornswoggled and will reverse her/his decision, and game is over.
How to Beg Abjectly
Sometimes, what you want may be really silly, and you know it is. You may want a fourth road bike, for example. Or a Power Tap, in spite of the fact that the reality of what you need to do to improve performance is startlingly obvious (i.e., lose eighty pounds). Or perhaps you want to buy a pair of Assos shorts, just to find out if they really will give you a Luxury Body (please let me know how that turns out).Â
In cases like this, the best thing you can do is beg in the classic sense of the word. Take your sweetheart by both hands (this is required), look her deep in the eyes (I’m saying “her” because I really can’t even picture a woman begging like this), and lay it all out on the line. “Sweetheart,” you should say, “I have no rational reason why I should get a Power Tap. I don’t need one. I’m not even sure what they’re useful for. And yet, I want one. Desperately. I can’t sleep. I can’t concentrate at work. Please, indulge me.”
This will work, but only once every nine years, so choose your item of abject beg-worthiness wisely.
Also, don’t tell anyone about your abject begging episode, because it will creep them out.
How to use the Turnabout Technique
If you live with a selfish person — or someone whom you suspect could become selfish given the proper stimuli — the simplest and most direct way to get what you want is to offer an exchange. “Hey, you know how you’ve been admiring that new Toyota Sequoia? I bought one for you today. Oh, and I also bought myself a new set of Magura disc brakes for my singlespeed.”
Note that with this tactic, you must spend noticeably more on the “turnabout” item than you did on yourself.
Also note that this tactic will quickly drive you into the poorhouse, since you must always plan on spending more than twice the cost of the item you want, every time you want to buy something.
Black Budget
This is the most underhanded of all possible methods of purchasing bike-related gear: buy it with money that your significant other doesn’t know you have.
In order to purchase items from the Black Budget, first you must create a means to acquire money without your significant other’s knowledge, such as:
- Lunch money: Don’t eat lunch. Save your money. In cash.
- Cook the books: When purchasing groceries, always ask for cash back. Report your grocery spend as if the cash back were part of the grocery spend.
- Donate blood plasma. You can make a secret $20 a week doing this. I know a guy who actually did this. I won’t give away who it was, but his first initial is D. You know, as in “Dug.”
You must also have a place to secretly store this money. An envelope at work. A bank account at a different institution than where you normally bank (be certain that the monthly statements are sent to your email address, not to your physical address).
You must be careful when purchasing items with the Black Budget. Put simply, you must never purchase something obvious. For example, you cannot purchase a new bike with the Black Budget unless you already have so many bikes that there is no way your significant other will be able to tell you’ve added one to the collection. If you buy a new helmet with the Black Budget, buy one the same color as your old helmet.
Bike shoes are a safe Black Budget buy, because all bike shoes look the same to non-bike people.
All of this, frankly, is deplorable. You should never do any of this. Ever. At all.
I certainly don’t.
PS: Today’s weight: 160.8. Stressed out = stalled out.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.20.2007 | 12:26 pm
That reads more like my biography than a cautionary tale.
Tips on getting caught…
Don’t! You will suffer for periods of time not measurable with mere calendars.
Comment by Ironmama | 04.20.2007 | 12:41 pm
Fatty! You’re so wrong! You wrote: “I’m saying “her†because I really can’t even picture a woman begging like this” – you haven’t seen me start. And succeed…abject begging really does work for women with their husbands, too. But more frequently. Like, I can do that once a month or so and get something really, really good.
Comment by Token Skinny Guy | 04.20.2007 | 12:53 pm
Do these tips work for split personalities? Cause I really need some new bike shoes, but the supposedly rational side of me starts lecturing/yelling at me every time I even consider it (loser). “We need a jersey, not shoes. I’m getting cold. I wanna be warm, not posing in new, white shoes,†he whines (it’s winter over here). Hmm, that abject begging sounds just about self-depreciating enough to work…
Comment by UltraRob | 04.20.2007 | 1:21 pm
Generally I’m the one that needs to be convinced to spend money on new cycling gear. That’s why I’m still riding a 2000 mountain bike. Once I decide to buy some new piece of gear gettting my wife to approve is the easy part.
I’m with you on the stressed out = stalled out. My weight is right where it was on the beginning of the month. At least my stressed has dropped enough that Ambien is almost enough to keep me asleep. A couple weeks ago it wasn’t.
Comment by Demonic1 | 04.20.2007 | 1:37 pm
That’s funny Rob- I’m riding a 2000 bike as well- it’s an Ellsworth Truth- but it’s 7 years old. :(
I had to grovel to get it however- and not buy anything non-essential for a year. Maybe Fatty can write an informative essay on that next.
Comment by Mrs. Coach | 04.20.2007 | 1:57 pm
Bob just called and asked if it was ok if he ordered some nutritional (thats argueable) supplements. Apparently he hasn’t read your post yet.
Comment by JB | 04.20.2007 | 2:28 pm
Yeah, I really cannot see the female of the species having to beg much….especially with their obvious physical advantage over the male side on negotiating special purchases/favors…..
Comment by JET(not a nickname) | 04.20.2007 | 2:36 pm
My wife is a runner so everytime she goes and buys new shoes, I chirp in with “well since you just bought those, can I…”. This scenario plays out every 3 months or so, and that’s about $70 each time. I suspect this may change when we have kids.
Comment by bikemike | 04.20.2007 | 4:42 pm
Been working in a bike shop for almost 20 years now and there is no way i could have afforded half of the stuff i have, had i not worked in said shop. That being said, i could curl your pretty Sidi shoes right up into the back of your Luxury Body shorts with some of the stories about men (yes, all men!) hiding money and out and out lying, just to get their swag fix.
My God, the deception that goes on in the name of cool bike one up Jones-estness.
Women beware of fake Colnago letterhead stating that your significant other has been chosen to purchase a new Extreme C for the special price of $500.00. Trust me, he’s not good enough a rider to be specially chosen by the big C to “purchase” a big at this special price.
Also, check in the back yard for old waterbottles buried in the ground filled with money. I’ve seen all of this first hand.
Comment by Al Maviva | 04.20.2007 | 6:00 pm
I’m shocked, simply shocked, to find government-style accounting tricks here, AKA the Black Budget. My God… this is worse than Lockheed Martin. The shame, the horror, that the manly men around here would resort to Black Budget trickery to buy gear. What a bunch of pathetic losers. I can’t imagine doing something like this. A real man stands up, and takes what he wants. Your wives should fall into your arms, swooning, at your manly manliness, because your 143 pounds-soaking-wet of lycra-clad testosterone bomb just bought a $7,900 Madone S. She should be grateful, thrilled in fact, that you just put the top end Ksyriums on it, rather than a new set of custom Zipps with ceramic bearings which would have put the thing over the cost of a decent new car. Shameful, the lot of you.
Ps. One thing Fatty left out about the Black Budgeting technique – you need to have a good cover story and be able to pull it off with a lot of convincing bull. You have to make it appear like you would never stoop to such a level to buy your stuff. You have to have the look of a man who, if he wants that new Colnago C-50 with the custom paint, just goes and buys it. That’s the key to pulling it off – big, fake, fat swaggering confidence. It’s best if your lies are so good, that you start believing them yourself.
P.Ps. Yes, most of my bike purchases are on the Black Budget. I’d just rather not get into it with her… It’s cool though, her shoe purchases are financed using methods the Kremlin would eschew as too irregular, sneaky and devious. Kinda like the Cold War – I’ll pretend she’s not doing it, she pretends I’m not doing it. It all kinda works out okay in the end. The new bike rule still applies though… don’t even try that.
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 04.20.2007 | 6:01 pm
You had me right up to the second paragraph. Sorry FC I don’t believe you. I’ll bet you’ve never even been to Manly.
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Comment by IndoorRolyPoly | 04.20.2007 | 8:14 pm
the 48 hour rule works with the black money trick vary nicely! it goes like this,
“the fellow may make up any story he wishes after 48 hours regarding the acquisition. In other words, she gets 48 hours to notice the purchase and complain. If she misses her window, you are home free.”
“what this thing,” you might say, when, after 48 hours, she finally does notice your new rollers, “they’re just quite because I finally cleaned them up for once.”
then again I personally don’t know that this works. I’ve only been told it would work…..
Comment by mrLee | 04.20.2007 | 8:29 pm
Usually I have enough stuff around that if something brand new should “appear” it will take a while (maybe several days) for wifey to notice it. She’ll then say “hey isn’t that ______ (fill in the blank) new?” To which I reply “oh that? It’s been here awhile….now how about I start working on whatever it is you’ve been bugging me to get done lately?” Wifey-”OK”…….Works for me!
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.21.2007 | 2:55 am
These are all very conservative approaches to the things we all want to buy.
Why bother with using a different bank to save up for things? It’s much easier to buy the big things RIGHT NOW on a credit card with a different bank, have the statements sent to your work, or better still, set up a post office box using a bit of your black budget money so that all your black budget bank statements as well as any of the actual products that arrive by mail.
That includes when the new disc wheel arrives from you best friend Mr E Bay. “Honey, Dave’s just loaning it to me for a while to see whether it suits my riding style.” Eventually you’ll have to confess that you have some bad news. “It’s about Dave and that disc wheel honey; well, ummm… Dave… how do I say this? Dave died and left it to me in his will.” Be careful of the out of the blue question “Have I ever met Dave?” or “When was his funeral?”
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 04.21.2007 | 5:06 am
Daves Dead? Oh no we’ll miss him.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 04.21.2007 | 7:12 am
A tactic which I have seen used many many times is the exagerated bait and switch.
It goes like this. Rider X wants a new set of pedals. He says to his wife the rear hub on my road bike is toast, and so I’ll need to get a new wheel built up, which is going to be about $800.00 for the rim and hub I’ve had my eye on (always exagerate the cost of the bait item). He allows some time to go by and then goes and buys the pedals he wanted. When the spouse inquires about the pedals, Rider X says, “You remeber how I was going to have to buy an $800 wheel?–well, I managed to re-build that tricky hub and it looks like it’ll last the rest of the season, but in the mean time, my pedals went belly-up, but they were only $200. . .”
An alternative version of this is simply the exagerated price ploy. Rider X wants new pedals, and he tells his spouse they’re $350. A couple weeks later, he buys the new pedals (spontaneously) and shows them to his spouse, “Look! I got the pedals that I’ve been wanting for 89% off!! So instead of $350.00, they were only $200.”
Comment by Rob | 04.21.2007 | 7:54 am
I use method 3 but I justify it in different ways. I do use the lunch money trick as the folks at work eat out a lot and I eat PB&j. I also supply my black budget with my Overtime. And considering I just funded a chunk of our move out of my Black/OT fund I expect no questions on anything soon (of course there went a good chunk of a VERY nice Full Suspension rig that I really don’t need).
Unless I purchased a new bike or such my wife really doesn’t care.
Comment by LMouse | 04.21.2007 | 11:48 am
Oh Laws, it’s nice to be single. But I do have to convince my “better self” sometimes that a purchase is wise. Needless to say, I have always been successful in doing so. These are my standard arguements:
1. Anything to enhance my enjoyment and performance in a sport that is so good for my mental and physical well-being is worth its weight in gold.
2. There are so many things I DON’T spend money on like Jimmy Chu’s, Peet’s coffee, and dinners out (I hate restaurants.)
3. Cycling keeps the weight off. Enough said. SOLD!
Comment by dug | 04.21.2007 | 2:17 pm
two things:
1. you can actually make more like $50 per week donating plasma. sure, back in the day it was $20, but what with inflation and the good economy, well, let’s just say the only downside would be the track marks on your arm.
2. the best black budget method is the live check bonus (as opposed to direct deposit). you take it to the bank, deposit about half of it, get the rest in cash, and go home and declare what a great husband and provider you are, look at the wonderful bonus you just got, it’s in the bank, here’s the receipt, now go buy those true religions you’ve had your eye on. no, seriously, go get em.
Comment by MBonkers | 04.21.2007 | 4:24 pm
My buddy has a theory on spending large sums unannounced. He says you have to balance the anger your spouse will have with the benefit of the purchase. For example he says, If I buy a plasma screen TV, she’s gonna be pissed for about a week. However, I’m gonna have that TV for a few years, so it’s a good purchase.
Use this tactic extremely carefully…
Comment by joliver3 | 04.21.2007 | 5:30 pm
FC, good to see you back in the humor saddle, so to speak. Hope everything’s working out with your situation……
Comment by ibisss | 04.21.2007 | 7:49 pm
A friend of mine used to buy a lot of music, which irked his wife. So he found that he would just go and buy a lot of discs, and then play only one or two, the other ones sitting in the rack. When he would play one of the group b albums, and was asked about it he would say ‘oh, that Neko Case album? had it for a long time…’ and hope she didn’t catch on. They are now divorced.
M Burdge
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 04.22.2007 | 4:20 am
Am I only the only one that is going to miss Dave?
Comment by TimK | 04.22.2007 | 5:24 am
Way up there someone was complaining about a year 2000 bike, I guess that makes my Cannondale Killer V500 a damned antique. I’ve had it since 1997!
Years ago I worked with a chap who wanted to buy a surprise for his wife, so he started a black budget to save for the gift. She spotted the change in finances and went berserk accusing him of theft, etc. etc. The marriage did not last.
Fortunately my wife is as bike crazy as I am, so once we get past this medical school think we will have some play money. She will be the doctor, so I will be the one begging I guess.
Comment by Jose | 04.22.2007 | 6:38 am
I have different strategies depending on the dollar level of the purchase:
1.- $ 50 or less, I do not say anything, I just keep them in the garage (my wife never goes there).
2.- $50-100 Buy them sparingly, if I buy two at a time, I hide one of them for the next month. I don’t say anything either.
3.- $100-500 I wait for the right time, birthday, Christmas, etc. I suggest my needs and carefully keep them on top of her mind.
4.- $500 + I work hard for them, I make a strong point, I.E. my bike is about to break or my fork is leaking. I whine for weeks, I play the great husband and father. I do anything needed.
The good thing is that my wife is not very interested in my expenses unless they are in the last category. But if I am too obvious, it could be use against me in other marriage related issues.
Comment by Al (female) | 04.22.2007 | 7:54 am
Ah, to be young and single and in charge of your own finances. Except for that whole just got out of college thing and having to account to my parents about all my finances even when they didn’t pay any of my bills.
I used the exaggerated cost technique but in a different way. When I bought my first road bike for the low low price of $550 I knew my parents (knowing nothing about cycling and the costs of cycling related things) would be pissed and think that was outrageously expensive. (note: I bought the bike with my own money and at that time, my parents weren’t paying for anything for me but due to logistics I had to have the bike sent to my parents house… so there was no way they wouldn’t they wouln’t know about the purchase immediately.) So I told them I got a good deal for it at $300. They were still pissed but they only complained to my brother about it, not me.
Then I somehow even managed to convince them to get me several hundred dollars worth of cycling gear for christmas of that year.
I wouldn’t even try to tell them how many bikes I have now… and I still downplay the costs of the more expensive items I get (like my recent Brooks saddle purchase).
Comment by MAJ Mike | 04.22.2007 | 4:08 pm
I had something really clever to say, but then I heard about Dave…
…ah Dave, he was like a sister…
Comment by Tg | 04.22.2007 | 5:11 pm
Dave, he was a fine man, a friend to all. He will be missed. Pssst. When was the funeral again? We have to get our stories straight.
Comment by mark | 04.22.2007 | 8:13 pm
I’m just wondering how Mrs. Fatty is liking her new Sequoia? Sure hope you got more than some magura stoppers for that one.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 04.23.2007 | 3:23 am
Come on guys, get with the program. The funeral was 11am Thursday. It’s always 11am Thursday. Hands up if you’ve ever been to a funeral at a different time or on a different day. Anyone? Anyone? I didn’t think so.
Comment by Al Maviva | 04.23.2007 | 4:21 am
Rest assured, while I mock people who use the black budget, I totally use it myself, all the time.
My wife loves riding her road bike. Fortunately, she’s not as geeked on the equipment. So when a new wheelset appears, and another one disappears, as long as the total amount of clutter remains basically the same, I’m alright.
Of course from time to time she asks “how much?” and I resort to that old trick of the finest of black budgeteers: the bribe. “It was around $300. Hey, look here, shiny things!”
This is how I wind up with four or five bikes with decent stuff, and how she winds up with one bike maxed out with Dura Ace, plus lots of pretty jerseys. And occasionally diamonds. And the nice car.
Hey, you can laugh, but it works for me.
Comment by Boz | 04.23.2007 | 4:52 am
My kids discovered my Black Budget stash when snooping in my workshop. She Who Must Be Obeyed was not amused. A series of CIA-worthy lies got me out of the dog house. My $3,600.00 dollar stash was converted by her into a yapping lap dog, a underground invisible fence for said mutt, and various other things for the kids. My new Bianchi will be here Weds, but not the full Dura-ace carbon, but Ultegra aluminum w/ some carbon bits. Ya’ know, I really hadn’t thought of how I was going to explain the $4,500.00 hundred dollar bike anyway.
Comment by slip | 04.23.2007 | 6:37 am
this is all deplorable advice for pathetic people.
one small warning – if you have a particularly large purchase which you were not manly enough to come out and claim as a right, but instead resorted to abject begging, do not have that purchase be a planned or future purchase.
say, for instance, the purchase of a framebuilding course scheduled for the middle of october. if it happens to be march, refrain from abject begging. as it turns out, this is six months premature and you will be screwing yourself out of many purchase opportunities in the interim.
Comment by Argentius | 04.23.2007 | 7:57 am
Sheesh.
Why do so many people have to go through this?
It seems the trick is to either not become MWC, or just to marry a cyclist…
Comment by Chris | 04.23.2007 | 10:01 am
Don’t forget that the techniques can be combined. For example, you save up $300 in black budget money. Then use your other methods to get permission to buy a $300 set of wheels. At the shop, you simply pay for your new $600 wheels with $300 in cash, and $300 on your card.
Also most families have a purchase amount that falls under the radar. I can spend about $60 at a bike shop and it will not be noticed. So, I can always put $60 on the card and pay for the rest of my purchase with cash.
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 04.23.2007 | 10:03 am
Like Al says, the wife gets the nice car and then you should work to even things out from there. Tell her she is lucky you don’t have a powerboat and belong to the golf club like her friends husband.
The best Black Budget technique is the most basic but it only works for the self employed (assuming your wife is not your bookeeper). The bike money comes directly out of the business. It’s up to you if you want to go the ‘extra distance’ and actually take tax deductions for your bike purchases.
Maybe you can visit clients from time to time on your Zipps
Comment by monkeywebb | 04.23.2007 | 10:44 am
Big Mike- I went to a memorial at 3pm a week and a half ago, but it WAS on a Thursday. And I’m sure it was 11am somewhere.
My wife’s ‘under the radar threshold’ is far too low for even a pair of cycling socks to go unnoticed. Two weeks ago her budget analysis correctly ascertained that I ate an unannounced burrito for lunch.
I’ve been married less than a year and I’ve clearly gone about this all wrong. I assumed that being honest and open was the best approach in marriage. I’m just now realizing that my last bike related purchase of any significance was new tires last summer, two weeks prior to our wedding. They cost less than $70 and I could actually see threads through my old ones. I thought I was spoiled when I got a T6 jersey for my birthday…
Comment by MTB W | 04.23.2007 | 12:31 pm
A new article just came out on tests on Landis’ sample “B” showing synthetic testesterone, as “reported” by L’Equipe . However, such tests were again leaked, in contravention of all rules, and the tests were done contrary to the agreement for all tests to be done with Landis expert and USADA’s expert present during the tests.
Whether the tests were accurate or not, how can they continue to allow all procedures to be thrown to the wind with no consequences, all just to show Landis in a bad light without giving him due process?
Comment by MTB W | 04.23.2007 | 12:36 pm
Sorry FC. My previous post was on a different topic than your post but I saw the article and couldn’t contain myself.
Anyway, yet another funny post! Good job to bring such deplorable tactics out from the shadows and into the light to those unmanly men who must beg for their cycling stuff (btw, thanks for the tips – I’ll keep those tactics in mind!)
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Comment by Gorilla | 04.23.2007 | 1:35 pm
My technique involves her complete approval with just a little disception.
I always blame my latest injury on my old/inadequate/ugly (you get the idea) equipment.
I want new shoes.
I start arriving home with a limp.
I want new bars, the shoulder starts hurting.
New saddle, well, you know.
Now for that new bike I have had to show blood and bruises but I do sleep well at night.
Comment by Frank | 04.25.2007 | 9:29 am
You guys are indeed pathetic. I divorced my wife. I buy what I please. This is an extreme measure, but it works out nicely.
Comment by Grahame | 05.1.2007 | 4:35 am
Here in the UK, there are some very friendly bike shops who are prepared to supply a “wife receipt” – this acts as proof that the £600 wheels really were a bargain at £300. This helps a great deal.
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