Wherein I Simultaneously Do Hardly Any Work Whatsoever for Today’s Post AND Massively Ingratiate Myself to My Mostly-Male Audience
I’m going to let you in on a little detail of my personal life: I am hugely stressed out right now.
“Why,” you ask? Well, it’s nice of you to inquire. Thank you. Basically, I need to be knocking myself out at work for a little while. In fact, two weeks from today, I need to turn in a document — a Grand Master Plan, if you will — that will literally change the course of history for every person on this planet.
Or it may just affect whether I get a nice bonus this quarter. Same thing.
Why does this concern you? Here’s why. For the next two weeks, whenever I can take the easy way out on this blog, I’m going to. But only if this “easy way out” is something I think you’ll like.
Based on reactions to a prior post, I think most of you’ll like this.
Return of the Biker Babes
My sister Kellene — yes, the professional photographer who once free-fell 18 feet in a mountain bike accident — just got back from Telluride on a group ride with her crew, “The Biker Babes.” Take a look at this photo and then try — just try — to tell me you don’t have a massive urge to head out to Colorado for a long mountain bike weekend:
I’ve got to say, I admire their taste in cycling attire. For those who wonder, my sister’s the one on the left.
And here’s the whole gang. No, don’t bother asking where their bikes are. I don’t know either. I don’t think we’ll ever know if they even own bikes.
OK, I take that back. Here’s the crew midway up Hermosa, which my sister tells me requires more hiking than riding:
Go Ahead and Jump
This next few photos is, frankly, a little bit odd. I have to admit, I wish I would have been there when these were taken. It starts out harmlessly enough, with one person hamming it up a little more than usual:
But what happened then? I can only guess, of course, but I imagine someone said, “Hey! A bunch of us should jump in the next picture!”
This last one, though, is actually startling on a few levels. Take a look at it, and then I have a few questions for you:
OK, ready for my questions? Here you go:
- Is it possible they meant to get this perfect highest-to-lowest effect on their jump?
- At your best, could you get half the air the one on the left is getting? She’s like, seven or eight feet up there.
- How did my sister’s (second from right) quads get so ripped? I’m afraid to ride with her.
And one final question: After jumping around in a parking lot for fifteen minutes, how did any of them have any energy at all for a ride?
Comment by chtrich | 10.1.2007 | 7:04 am
Re jumping: Photoshop is a great program. ;-)
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 10.1.2007 | 7:09 am
1. They were hired by cingular to do that stupid “More Bars In More Places” thing.
2. Yes, with the aid of a trampoline.
3. Only she can answer that, but you are smart to have fear in your heart.
OK, so “phoning it in” isn’t a bad thing. You are always on top of your stuff, why not take a week or two to keep your job. In the tone of Heros (the show) lose the job, lose the cycling. Yes, you are in fact correct in saying that this post really makes me want to get out to CO to do some mountain biking. Finally, thank you. My attitude this morning was quickly deteriorating this morning until this post. I owe ya one man!
Comment by brokemba | 10.1.2007 | 7:36 am
Hmmm…how did she get ripped quads? I am going to guess — tons of riding mtb in CO? When it comes to riding in CO, I want to go. Especially if there are mostly pretty women with ripped quads out there. Gotta get to Tavelocity to book a flight before everyone else that reads this blog fills up all the seats.
BTW — You were right. I rode the 6 gap century in north GA this weekend and magarita shot blocks will make you retch… I was somehow thinking they would be good prior to the ride, even after reading your experience. Jeez…
Comment by FliesOnly | 10.1.2007 | 7:38 am
Answers:
1. Not only is it possible…it is highly likely that they planned the whole “Highest to Lowest” effect. They are, after all women. Women, in general, do very few spontaneous things. Everything must be planned out to the most minute of detail. So “yes”, they definitely planned the whole thing. Unless, of course, they didn’t…in which case it’s a perfect example of serendipity in action.
2. If you look at just their knees (well…specifically, just their left knee), the one on the right is the highest.
3. By riding her bike…a lot…up big hills. Remember back to an earlier story that included a photo of your own legs. Remember how pleased you were with their “rippedness”? It must be genetic.
As for the last question…I have no reasonable answer. I’d like to say that the photo was taken at the completion of the ride…but having just finished a century ride (Sunday) I can categorically state that jumping AFTER a ride is far less likely. So all I can come up with is that the photo was either faked or taken weeks in advance of the actual ride.
Comment by LanterneRouge | 10.1.2007 | 7:43 am
Fatty, if it means more Kellene for us then why not take a whole month off. In fact, I insist.
Comment by Pammap | 10.1.2007 | 7:50 am
My guess is that these girls have cheerleading in their backgrounds somewhere. As for the last photo, they’re just brilliant!
Comment by UltraRob | 10.1.2007 | 7:52 am
The only problem I have with the statement “have a massive urge to head out to Colorado for a long mountain bike weekend” is that I can’t head to Colorado because I’m in Colorado. There’s reasons I’ve lived here all my life. Telluride is one of my favorite areas. I’ve raced there several times and gone through it on an epic 80 mile loop from Ouray which includes going over 13,114 foot Imogene Pass.
The Durango 100 uses the upper part of Hermosa Creek. You even ride through Hermosa Creek a couple times but there’s a jeep road there unlike the epic singletrack lower down. It’s still beautiful though and the you’re either doing a tough climb or screaming down it depending whether you’re on loop 2 or 3.
Comment by Pista Largo | 10.1.2007 | 7:57 am
How did my sister’s (second from right) quads get so ripped?
Maybe she’s a closet trackie.
Comment by BurkeInTheOzarks | 10.1.2007 | 8:14 am
Egads! I opened this post up and, while it is true that it contains biker babes, it also has an ad for the gender-confused bundle of hatred that is Ann Coulter. I know you try to stay out of politics on this website and I’m thankful for that – so, please, for the sake of all that is sacred and pure, make her go away!
Comment by AMG in Texas | 10.1.2007 | 8:21 am
They are such a team!!! Did you notice the matched helmets they have?? Their socks didn’t match. I know why the one on the right was still on the ground on the last picture… she jumped more than the rest and obviously was out of breath in the high altitude that they were at.
Go Team Fatty :-) Go Team Biker Babes :-)
Do they have their own website and blog like fatty??? Whats the url?
Comment by fatty | 10.1.2007 | 8:28 am
burke – i’ve seen that ann coulter ad on my site before. i seriously have no idea what keywords i have that would trigger her ad showing up here.
Comment by Canadian roadie | 10.1.2007 | 8:42 am
Hmm, how much for plane tickets to Colorado from Vancouver?
Comment by Flying Penguin | 10.1.2007 | 8:43 am
Excellent pictures by the way!!!
1. I heard that gravity is losing its grip on the earth but only in waves thus the highest to lowest effect.
2. At my absolute best…I have a vertical leap of saaaay 1/4 and inch (I was killer at basketball growing up)
3. I would not mind a close up of those ripped thighs and yes you should be afraid, vey afraid.
Comment by cheapie | 10.1.2007 | 8:49 am
you…umm….need to get them some non-baggy shorts. for…uhhh….performance reasons only of course.
Comment by cheapie | 10.1.2007 | 8:56 am
and for your next installment of a work-free blog post, we can get pictures of the recovering kenny and wife….but skip the pictures of kenny. lol.
Comment by Al Maviva | 10.1.2007 | 8:59 am
Any chance you could get video the next time they do this?
Comment by Brian C | 10.1.2007 | 9:12 am
your sister is hot.
Comment by It takes all kinds... even me. | 10.1.2007 | 9:16 am
“Take a look at this photo and then try — just try — to tell me you don’t have a massive urge to head out to Colorado for a long mountain bike weekend”
After the first photo… not really.
After the second photo… I’m there.
After the last couple of photos… Oh what a feeling. Toyota!
As for the quads… at least now we know where your share went.
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[...] Wherein I Simultaneously Do Hardly Any Work Whatsoever for Today’s Post AND Massively Ingratiate Myself to My Mostly-Male Audience [...]
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.1.2007 | 9:32 am
Totally not fair….it’s been raining in So Fla for eight straight days now. We have some kind of tropical-not-quite-a-hurricane spinning off our coast and soaking us (while everyone else is in drought!). Even so, we never get scenery like CO…..we do our share of bike babes, though…….no offense to Kellene.
As for the lack of bike in the photos (how come there was no flower pattern shot this time), you know that they don’t actually ride when they go out. they talk, pose and take photos!!!!
Sis DOES have nice quads……….
http://austin07.livestrong.org/mlevin
The pink jersey is going to Austin for the Ride for the Roses!!!!!
Comment by buckythedonkey | 10.1.2007 | 9:40 am
Surprised you had to ask where the bikes where – they’re hanging off a tree, right?
Comment by mark | 10.1.2007 | 9:50 am
The question is not “how did Kellene’s quads get so ripped?” but rather, how do Rocky AND Kellene find time to ride enough to have ripped quads or, in Rocky’s case, develop death-defying technical skills. I’m pretty sure you’ve mentioned that they have kids, which can only mean that at least one of said children is old enough to babysit while mom and dad are riding bikes.
Comment by Rural Girl | 10.1.2007 | 10:50 am
Love the pink outfits! There is not enough pink in this world!
Comment by kellene..the favorite oldest sister | 10.1.2007 | 11:06 am
I am glad these photos could bring so many of you a little humor for your day! Our 3 day road trip was amazing! Started in Telluride, then to Durango and then to some fast single track in Cortez. We make it a tradition to take at least 3 of these girl get aways a year! Cheaper than therapy.
And yes…rocky and I have 4 kids. We no longer need babysitting and so we get to ride freely. Age range of the kiddos is 14-23.
Colorado is beautiful and you are all invited to ride here!
Comment by Marrock | 10.1.2007 | 11:06 am
I don’t see any ads, Coulter or otherwise, since I have the AdBlock Plus extension for firefox…
I don’t ever see any ads unless I want to and that makes for happy surfing of the interwebs.
Comment by mocougfan | 10.1.2007 | 11:37 am
Kellene,
Did you start having kids when you were 8?
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 10.1.2007 | 11:40 am
How did my sister’s (second from right) quads get so ripped?
Im disappointed, I have yet to see anyone take the obvious joke:
“Have the ladies been tested for doping?”
*Im not trying to accuse your sister of anything, it just seems like the obvious joke for the times.
By the way, link to this on http://cyclingphun.blogspot.com coming up soon
Comment by BurkeInTheOzarks | 10.1.2007 | 11:50 am
Marrock,
Thanks for the reminder. I’m installing the AdBlock Plus extension right now… I used to have it installed on my old PC and just forgot about it when I swapped out.
Comment by Clydesteve | 10.1.2007 | 12:00 pm
a. Fine, keep the job. I think it is part of the Dad/husband deal.
b. Yes, MTB-ing in CO looks super.
1. Yes.
2. No. Or, yes, if I fell off a cliff.
3. Are you sure that massive muscle is part of Kellene’s leg? Maybe it is part of a tree trunk in the background.
4. Two of them. The photographer and the one who is not jumping.
~~~~~~~~~
Did the LIVESTRONG Challenge ride yesterday. I have never in my life done a long ride in such wretched conditions. –
(Note to Mike Roadie… excuse me, can’t train because of rain… ahem, cough, cough – get out there, you Florida wimp! )
I had the time of my life – even hollered “VENISON!!!” at a deer with the audacity to cross the road in front of me. He was in awe and fear of my PINK LEMONADE / WIN! FC jersey. I briefly rode with another FCer with a WIN jersey on – He was from the twin cities, but I missed his name.
The pre-ride appreciation dinner the night before had great food, but the highlight was actually the moving and inspiring speakers.
Ride report will take a bit of thought – Thanks again for those FC-ers that donated – I will send you a ride report when I get it written. Anyone else – email me if you want a ride report. I believe clicking on my Clydesteve moniker will get you my e-address.
Steve
Comment by Nick | 10.1.2007 | 1:58 pm
So seriously is she like married or single or what?
Comment by Mike from Melbourne | 10.1.2007 | 2:14 pm
There goes my generalised image of women from the US as being, how shall I say this, on the larger side of large. Those girls are hot, hot, hot !
Comment by Rachel | 10.1.2007 | 2:40 pm
I think you paid your sister to take these pictures with her friends. Look at the almost unnatural smile on her face in every picture. Either that or there’s something in those Colorado mountain streams she’s been drinking from.
Comment by RosieRider | 10.1.2007 | 2:57 pm
I just wanted to send you a funny link, following up on your trail a bike experience. A friend of mine is a long-time cycle mechanic, and he recently posted this picture and comment about a job that came in. As you have discuovered, having a kid, alone, is enough to enjoy a wiggly ride. Imagine how it would feel if you had the trailer connected wrong. Very funny. http://citizenrider.blogspot.com/2007_08_01_archive.html
Comment by Rocky | 10.1.2007 | 3:38 pm
Oddly enough, the “girls” in the various heights photo are age left to right, from 41, 49, 44, and 50. They do look good, and not even just for their age – mountain biking is good medicine for the preservation of hottness. They do ride their bikes, even though they rarely appear with them in photographs. They have too much time on their hands where riding is concerned – hence the good quads. Yes, boys – look but do not touch as they are all quite happily married.
Knowing these women, they are keenly aware of the fact that they look good, and, therefore, appreciate the positive feedback on the photos.
Comment by Stephanie | 10.1.2007 | 3:45 pm
Sorry, this link has absolutely NOTHING to do with the above post… but it’s so hilarious, i just had to share with everyone:
http://www.joeydurango.com/pixpages/squirrelpage.htm
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Comment by James | 10.1.2007 | 6:57 pm
Werein I am rendered completely without speech AND simultaneously mesmerized by Kellene and her friends. Cycling – it may in fact, do a body good, eh?
Comment by Histrung | 10.2.2007 | 7:34 am
Agreed, your sister is totally HOT!
What is her myspace?
Comment by Little1 | 10.2.2007 | 9:02 am
rofl! fatty you make a my day! and your sister and the biker babes rock!
Comment by Frank | 10.2.2007 | 11:30 am
Maybe someone doctored the picture with Photoshop. Does your sister have a boyfriend? What a babe!!! Luckily, she looks nothing like you!
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » Surreal Moments | 10.3.2007 | 8:40 am
[...] One of the cool things about being a cyclist is you get to experience stuff most people never will. Dug’s seen a cross-dresser casually strolling on a lonely mountain road. My sister Kellene told me that during her trip to Telluride last week, she rescued a woman from a brush-covered ravine who had been the victim of a hit-and-run by a car. [...]