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Free T-Shirt Monday: Laser Beams of Death

10.22.2007 | 8:22 am

A few days ago I went on a nice lunch ride on the Fillmore. I rode along Wasatch Boulevard, a wide rolling road with a good shoulder, bike lanes for part of the road, and terrific views. A perfect I’ve-got-one-hour ride I can do right from my work parking lot.

Then, as I was returning to my office parking lot, it happened. A car passed me on the left in order to take the right fork in the road: A classic right hook. I jammed on the brakes and managed to not collide with the car.

Furious, I yelled at the top of my lungs at the driver…who I’m pretty sure did not hear me. Or if she did, did not care.

This, I thought, would have been an excellent opportunity for me to use my Laser Beams of Death.

Or would it?

Rules for Using the Laser Beams of Death
Years ago — after my first near-miss with an oblivious car — I developed a hypothetical weapon, along with a hypothetical limitation.

The weapon, of course, is the Laser Beams of Death. Originally, this weapon was a handlebar-mounted laser cannon that – for reasons that remain unclear — causes any target it strikes to explode in fiery and painful death.

My hypothetical Laser Beams of Death technology has evolved, however, to the point where I now can shoot the beams right from my eyes, triggered by a simple mental command.

The two limitations, however, are significant and unfortunately insurmountable:

The Laser Beams of Death only work when I’m riding my bike. Not in a car, not in a boring meeting. Only on the bike.
One can use the Laser Beams of Death only once in a lifetime.

I suppose these limitations are a good thing, because they prevent me from indiscriminately blowing stuff up. Since I can only use my Laser Beams of Death once, my target must be truly deserving.

So, with that in mind, would driver of the car who nearly right-hooked me have been the one? Would she have died in the fiery flame of my laser-induced vengeance?

Nah, I think I’d hold on. I have a suspicion I’m going to be angrier at someone else at some point. And when that happens, I don’t want to find myself in the embarrassing position of being totally Laser Beams of Death-less.

Your Laser Beams of Death
So: if you were equipped with my Laser Beams of Death (and their unfortunate limitations), would you have used them by now? And if so, on whom? And if not, what are you saving them for?

My favorite response gets a Twin Six Fat Cyclist T-Shirt.

I await your response with glee.

123 Comments

Comment by KT | 10.22.2007 | 8:28 am

Hmmmm….. that is a tough one.

The lack of responses indicates that people just don’t know what one idiot they’d use it on.

Personally, I’d be shot into space so I can use it on wide swaths of stupid people. That way, I’d get all those idiots at once without wasting the Laser Beams of Death on just one idiot.

Don’t worry, I’d warn all of you folks here first, so you can get far enough away so as to be out of danger… and maybe get high enough in elevation to watch the fireworks.

FC: being nearly missed by a right hook is not enough to unleash the LBoD. Wait until you actually get hit, bad enough that your bike is totally trashed and to get the offending driver to pay for your shoulder surgery, but not bad enough to get really badly injured. Then unlease the LBoD. After their insurance company has paid up, of course.
Comment by IndoorRolyPoly | 10.22.2007 | 8:30 am

I think “I’m” the only one I could be mad enough at to use the laser beams of death on… I guess once would be enough then….
Comment by fatty | 10.22.2007 | 8:30 am

kt – actually, the lack of responses is due to the fact that you posted your comment 45 seconds after i posted my story.
Comment by IndoorRolyPoly | 10.22.2007 | 8:30 am

I think “I’m” the only one I could be mad enough at to use the laser beams of death on… I guess once would be enough then….
Comment by cyclingphun.blogspot.com | 10.22.2007 | 8:42 am

Heh heh heh… I would’ve use them on a certain Chihuahua. I was cruising along one sunny Sunday afternoon, with a good friend who insisted he would ride with me so long as I could keep up. After the initial 15 miles, he asked “You ready to end it?” Needless to say I wasn’t, but I digress. So he wanted to make sure that I would be able to keep up with him. I had to ride my in my lowest gears in order to accomplish this. As we were descending a hill, he took a bit of a lead, and I let him go. It was a nice break from the wind. Ahead was a man walking, reading a paper, not really paying attention. Not the bad part. I Yell “passing on your left”, get over and pass. I see a woman walking her dog (Chihuahua: read that as “rat on a leash”) I, again, yell “pass on your left”. She moves to her right closer to her friend. Her dog, on the other hand, moves further left. On my left is about two and a half feet of ground, very rough ground, with trees and bushes, that falls off into a ten or twelve foot drop into a river. Note, at no time did I mention the fence or barrier… it’s not there, there isn’t one! So my choice became ace the dog, or risk life and limb. I made it through the “grassy knoll” without fail, but had I had the opportunity to laser the dog, oh… itâ€™s on. At the bottom of the trail I hear a man, “Hey, the one on the silver bike! HE’S the one you almost killed”. Apparently he knew the ladies. The woman who owned the dog was very embarrassed, and apologized profusely. I still say I’d have lasered the dog.
Comment by dailytri | 10.22.2007 | 8:43 am

I’d use the Laser Beams of Death on the idiots who actually join in once a month and ride with the Critical Mass group in Minneapolis. Their goal is not to create awareness about cycling, it’s to infuriate rush hour traffic in a downtown area where gridlock is already at its worst. They give cyclists a bad name and prompt hatred among people driving cars who already dislike people on two wheels and think “brushing” by is a sport.
Comment by hades | 10.22.2007 | 8:44 am

Only once? Thats like asking me what one bike I would like to own If I could only own one. That, of course, is a stupid question, because everyone knows that the perfect number of bikes is n+1 where n is an arbitrary number corresponding to the number of bikes you already own. So, I should Be able to use the LBoD n+1 times as well – where n in this case is the number of people who have deserved to have the LBoD used on them.

Failing all that, I’d probably use it on the idiot who almost hit and then, in response to my signed indication of displeasure (read, middle finger) tired to back over me, then pulled a gun. Negligence it just negligence. Willfully trying to kill me is a different story all together.
Comment by rz | 10.22.2007 | 8:47 am

I wish I could pinpoint just one driver. Instead I’ll split it between two drivers on the same ride.

I am riding North on Riverside Drive in Manhattan in the middle of the day(!). Two drivers heading South, each 30 blocks apart, both attempt to take left hand turns right in front of me. They both stop suddenly after they see me, wait in the intersection, and honk and yell at me as I pass through the intersection telling me to get out of the road.

I escape death twice and its my fault. Awesome
Comment by trigeeks | 10.22.2007 | 8:48 am

I’d bring my bike to my next annual review and ask for a nice big raise…
Comment by Stephanie | 10.22.2007 | 8:54 am

I really like the idea of the Laser Beam of death. It makes you stop fuming for a moment to rationally consider the situation, thus reducing your “response rage.” Also preventing you from having to tell the nice officer what you did to escalate the situation and in turn, find yourself being blamed! I think in my case, I would never end up using the beams, as when I consider even the biggest jerkfaces in the world are as human as I am and I would ultimately grant them forgiveness.

That does not stop me from using the “DEADLY Blue Steel” – a look so gorgeous that it may kill!
Comment by pipebaum | 10.22.2007 | 8:58 am

I’m saving my LBOD for that one driver that jumps out of his pickup truck after I yell at him because he got a little close.

What happens when some Neanderthal pulls over after your helpful driving hints? Especially when you consider that the driving impaired Neanderthal:
– isn’t in oxygen debt
– isn’t wearing his carbon ninja cycling shoes (with cleats)
– has not been trying to remove all wasteful upper body mass through starvation

What happens, you get your ass kicked. Unless you have saved your LBOD for just such an occasion.
Comment by monkeywebb | 10.22.2007 | 8:59 am

Had I been in possession, the first time I rode a real road bike they would have been utilized. About eight miles through a quick ten-mile loop I was following a sharp right turn when a little Toyota Echo buzzed by on my left. The driver MUST have seen me (I wasn’t hiding and there where no obstructions), but they squeezed me all the way to the right into the curb. Somehow (not skill at this point) I stayed upright in the 6 inches they left me between fender and sidewalk. I was lucky I was leaning into the curve as the passenger side mirror checked my left jacket pocket for loose change. There was none.

I started bellowing at the top of my lungs and stood on the pedals, pretending I could catch the car…and I did thanks to a stop light 200 yards later. I was screaming obscenities when I pulled up next to the car and knocked on the window. And then instantly stopped. I was shocked to recognize a lady I had just met through work two days before. She smiled and waved, and so did I.

Two years later I took a job working down the hall from her. Last year I helped her husband train for and finish his first century, and this next year she’s considering doing the same, except that (in her words) “I’m totally scared that some jackass driver is going to run me over while I’m just tooling along minding my own business.” She still doesn’t know that she IS that jackass.

Luckily, I’m pretty sure that whoever grants the Laser Beams of Death powers wouldn’t be so unscrupulous to bestow those abilities on a first time road rider. They would, however, give me the strength at or around the time my odometer flipped to 5 digits. I’d still be in possession, but would be looking forward to using them the first time I ended up on the ground thanks to a car.
Comment by Medstudentitis | 10.22.2007 | 9:00 am

I would like to use my laser beams of death on everyone who has ever hit me with their car, but, since I can’t do that, I’ll try to think of the most idiotic time. One time I was riding home from work in the middle of the winter in the snow thinking about how peaceful and nice it was because there were no cars around. Just as I was thinking that, a taxi pulled up to a stop sign (I had right of way with no stop sign) and actually stopped (a miracle in itself). I looked over and thought “Hmmm, that’s odd, they usually would have already run the stop sign by now” and then I continued to bike down the road and started to cross their path, assuming that they had stopped for me. Much to my surprise, this taxi driver had elected not to scrape the ice off any of his windows except for a 2″ by 2″ square in the front windshield. As I was just crossing in front of him, he accelerated away from the stop sign and hit me pretty much with my body in the middle of the hood of his car. As I was sliding up across the icy windshield, I think I glimpsed him smiling at me through the tiny scraped portion. Bastard. I would have fried him for sure.

But alas, wouldn’t it just be better to have laser beams that burned off people’s clothing? Clothing vaporizing laser beams would yield both pleasure and amusement…
Comment by Jay Parkhill | 10.22.2007 | 9:11 am

I don’t want laser beams. My weapon of choice resembles oversized, extremely sharp jacks (as in the childs’ game) that I can materialize at will under all four tires of offending cars.

It would be enough to know that the moron up ahead just blew his/her plans for the day and will be out a big chunk of cash on a new set of tires.
. . .
Although depending on the situation I might like to be able to deliver jolts of electricity through the driver’s cell phone too.
Comment by LanterneRouge | 10.22.2007 | 9:13 am

If the LBOD was shot through a prism would it spread and separate the beam so that with the red laser I could play a cd with the red beam and a dvd with the blue laser and strike down the entire line up of the Chicago Cubs with the other wavelengths? I’d like a soundtrack to go along with my killing spree.
Comment by Lisa B | 10.22.2007 | 9:17 am

Since I have two eyes, can’t I use one laser beam per eye? So I’d have two opportunities to fry some idiot in a four-wheeled BOD (box of death)? The first would be the garbage truck that was rumbling along, spewing glass and stench and then suddenly stopped in front of me – right after he pulled around to pass me, in a rush to get to that next garbage can before, I don’t know, it got away or something.

The second eye I’d hold in readiness. Probably never to be used, but like a four leaf clover, always at the ready.
Comment by Fish | 10.22.2007 | 9:23 am

I’m saving my laser-beams of death for That Guy. So far, I’ve only heard rumours about That Guy from others. I thought I might have met That Guy when I hit a pick-up that pulled in front of me. I put my head and shoulder through a camper shell on the pick up. That stunt won me a trip to the hospital on a backboard and several disfiguring scars on my left arm. But it turns out, it wasn’t That Guy I hit. It was an older lady who actually called me after I got out of the hospital to see if I was okay and I could hear the genuine concern in her voice. It makes it tough to be angry at someone like that, much less to blow the LBOD. Before that I thought the more serious the accident the madder I would be. Turns out, That Guy’s appointment with the LBOD is more about his attitude after the crash.

I ride predictably and follow the rules. So, I’m pretty sure when That Guy hits me, it’s going to be his fault. Several possiblities include the right hook, mentioned above, the absent minded left turn as I’m in the intersection, or perhaps a poorly executed bit of the game rednecks like to call the “Let’s see how close I can get to that guy on the bike to scare him.” If’n I get hit again, I’ll know if its That Guy by what he says afterwards. Something like, “Get off the damn road,” or any that starts with, “You idiot . . . ” or the like. With proof in hand that I’ve been taken out by That Guy, I’ll be letting loose. Conveniently, the new and improved LBOD is from my eyes, so I can get him even if I’m strapped to a backboard again.
Comment by Todd Waddell | 10.22.2007 | 9:24 am

Oh, that’s a no-brainer. I’m riding along and I just happen to see an outdoor press conference. There’s George Bush with Dick Cheney standing right behind him. (Surely, a LBOD would be strong enough to go through the first person and take out the person behind them too. Right?)
Comment by Al Maviva | 10.22.2007 | 9:35 am

If I had the LBOD, it would be a shame to waste them on just jerks. So I’d try to find a lot of uses, other than making every bus driver, cabbie and cell phone talkin’ soccer mommy encountered into a crispy critter. I’m thinkin’ –

- Bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches on long road rides. Man, I love BLTs. Good lasers could cook the bacon, slice the lettuce and tomato, and toast the bread. Mmmm… tasty.

- Warming up water bottles during long winter basebuilding rides. I got really tired of my sports drink freezing solid last year. It took all the joy out of 4 hour zone two rides during the dead of winter. Okay, fine, the frostbite, constant hacking cough, cold in general, road grime and slime and hypothermia took the joy out of these rides first, but the frozen Gu2O actually added misery back into the equation.

- Passing slower moving but clueless blocking riders in crits. Man, do I hate having to elbow my way past people. I am really good at it, but honestly, the carnage is pretty bad sometimes, and it hurts me to look at these poor crashed out slowpokes. Whereas a little shot of laser to the butt, these people might get the message. Of course I might accidentally catch their lycra on fire and burn them to death in a horrible conflagration of flaming roadracing glory… but hey, getting burned to death by racers with LBOD is just one of the risk of roadracing. If you don’t like it, take up Dungeons and Dragons or something.

- Sending secret messages to Fatty by shooting my lasers into the sky against the clouds. The first one I’d send: “Need more regular blogging. Send T-shirt, money, and food. Lots of food.”
Comment by leroy | 10.22.2007 | 9:40 am

Dang, as much as I could use a new T-Shirt, I can’t enter this competition because I agree with Stephanie.

I get mad at jerks all the time while riding, but basically if I can ride, I’m too happy to actually want to cause some moron to burst into flames of death.

Not even the moron in the van yesterday who honked his horn furiously for a narrow, hilly, half mile stretch in Riverdale trying to clear out riders on the Tour de Bronx.

For that guy, isn’t being a moron punishment enough?

And hey, this morning, while heading up the Brooklyn Bridge, I passed someone running in a Fat Cyclist jersey. I leaned over and called “nice jersey.” Then I realized that she had earphones on and, because I was coming up behind her, I probably startled her.

Good thing for me she seemed too nice to ever use the LBoD on someone riding a bike.
Comment by Elaine | 10.22.2007 | 9:44 am

Laser Beams…..
One warm sunny afternoon, while sharing my fav. ride with 2 friends in a wonderful wooded park..Just enjoying the ride, the views, and one another…suddenly rounding the bend in the road appears a Toyota 4 Runner containing 2 speeding young bucks- who seem to think it is okay to drive too fast on a fire road, on loose gravel, on a warm afternoon, while drinking beer, locking up thier brakes and heading sideways into 3 mature bike riding females….

Lets just say we escaped, unharmed..and they had a nice ride in the black and white…Laser Beams work!
Comment by El Animal | 10.22.2007 | 9:59 am

The obvious answer would be that I would use my LBOD against the guy in the pick up truck that actually aimed at me from behind (Collision Type #8: The Rear End, Pt. 2), but I am sure that he must already have a miserable life that makes him feel anger towards other human beings that he finds in his way to the liquor shop, and that is enough punishment.

So, I think it would be more transcendent if I use my LBOD against the building where Pat McQuaid, Christian Prudhomme, and every other A$$ @#&^ that has something to do with the sport of cycling (it would be nice if Dick Pound were there too) are meeting today in Paris to discuss their â€œdifferences for the survival of cyclingâ€. Wouldnâ€™t it be nice to get rid of all of them with one LBOD shot?

http://sports.yahoo.com/sc/news?slug=ap-dopingsummit&prov=ap&type=lgns
Comment by Night Hawk | 10.22.2007 | 10:08 am

The dude in the pick up that tossed a broom handle in my rear wheel, as he explained, as a joke because I was in his way, and he wanted to sweep the street with me.

The fact that I was doing 15mph, without all his steel around me did not figure in his planning.

The driver thought it was funny as hell and gave him a High Five for his throwing technique.

I would have used the LBOD and never regretted not being able to use it again.
Comment by BurkeInTheOzarks | 10.22.2007 | 10:14 am

I would probably never actually use it but would make sure EVERYONE who around me KNEW I had it, just to keep them in check. Maybe a sign on the back of my bike, like one of those Baby on Board signs – “LASER BEAM OF DEATH ON BOARD” I like the sound of that…
Comment by DOM | 10.22.2007 | 10:18 am

My philosophy is a little different, I’d go with the lowest threshold possible. The first driver that in any way violates my eutopia of cycling gets fried. Brush me into a ditch, gone. Pull out in front of me, gone. Open a car door in front of me, gone. The way I’ve got it figured, it won’t take too many hair triggered cyclists like me to change drivers’ attitudes. The currently entertaining (for the driver only) game of buzz the rider loses it’s appeal when the body count starts to mount. My only caveat is that the driver be at fault and unprovoked, after all we’re going to be cowboys and girls, not thugs.

By my estimate, about 25% of drivers actually are courteous to riders, waiting for a spot when there’s room to move out a give a little extra space, etc. About 70% are indifferent, not crowding but not giving any extra consideration to riders. About 4.9% fall into the second category but make an honest mistake on occassion. Less than 0.1% are actively rude and the gene pool certainly won’t be any worse off without them. Under my plan, the 4.9% are in harm’s way, but will gladly join the 75% through LBod heightened awareness.

Imagine it, a world where we get treated like the other kind of bikers. Mothers will say to their small children “No, honey, we don’t get ice cream there. It’s one of those biker hangouts.” Lycra will be the new leather.

Fear or respect, I don’t care. It all feels the same, or so I imagine. Some bleeding hearts will call for regulation, but I say they can have my LBoD when they use a tire lever to pry it from my cold dead hands.
Comment by Trixie | 10.22.2007 | 10:22 am

I have two instances where the LBoD would have been useful but probably wouldn’t have used them because I was too busy thinking about what lies ahead after this person.

I picked up riding this summer after 15 years of not riding (since childhood). So I had to learn all about riding and training (since I signed up for a Triathlon – no idea what I was thinking – but it was for a good cause, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society).

So each weekend I’d ride the race course (18 miles, short by comparison, I know but I’m working my way up). The course goes a bit like this: you ride down a hill come to a circle, make a right and travel some rolling hills through corn fields. The next turn is a left and you can see it a long way off. So about 500 feet from the turn I take the lane and prepare to make the turn. But there’s this box van with an open trailer (the kind you can put a lawn mower or furniture on) waiting to make a right turn. He starts to make the turn as I’m approaching the intersection (where I have the right of way). He’s yelling at me because I’m in his way and makes some obnoxious comment (I’m pretty sure it was something about me being fat and riding a bike).

The other time I could’ve used the LBoD was on race day. 50-60% of the race entrants are new to the sport (myself included). So there’s like 1800 women riding the race course on a Sunday morning. But many of the women are not staying to the right of the road so there’s no way to pass them. Mind you I have gravity on my side on the down hills (which they don’t pedal on) and you wind up yelling “Move to the right” or as another lady put it (which I’m totally using next time) – “Fat Girl Coming Through Move It!” I mean at one point it was so bad that a rider from behind passed between two of us so the positioning was: (left to right from behind: racer my speed, faster racer, me). What is up with that?! I mean they did TRAIN for this race, right?!
Comment by TIMK | 10.22.2007 | 10:22 am

A couple of years back I was riding with my wife. Some idiot behind us is honking his horn and being aggressive with cars, making me feel really small on the bike. We’re up at the front of the cars mostly out the way when the light changes and this guy zooms out from behind a car behind us and brushes my wife’s side.

I ride as hard as I can trying to get his license number, making sure that he sees me in his rear view mirror calling him every name that I know. He takes it as a challenge and pulls off to the side of the road and comes around, chest puffed-out gang banger style. I just ride past him and yell that we are legal and he’s an a$$ I’m not about to fight someone after riding for 30 miles and wearing cycling shoes. He gets back in his van and I realize that by zooming by him I have put a maniac behind me. I glance back to make sure that my wife is not in front of him and keep riding. Thankfully, he doesn’t run me over – just launches a nearly full soda bottle out the window which nails me in the arm, bounces up and knocks my helmet back.

At the next intersection he is within sight. He’s driving a for hire vehicle – I get the name off the van and the license plate number so that I can call the police as soon as I get home – (I ride with the cell phone all the time now). I call the police and give them the details knowing that I was right not to try to fight the guy. The police will do their job.

Yeah right. The detective calls me back and basically says that they will put it on their to do list – they can’t confirm the company address or something. I kept calling them and eventually gave up after getting tired of being passed from COP to COP and reliving the story. So yeah, I think that I would have used the LBOD on that guy. But I’d prefer to use the imaginary trebuchet I haul behind my bike now to launch 500 pounds of dog crap onto their car. I call it my Crapapult. (It’s also nice to imagine the launch and successful contact with the target)

I now completely understand why some of the folks I ride with pack heat.

And while I am rambling. LBOD might be a bit far-fetched but I saw a while back where the California Highway Patrol are experimenting with a sticky GPS dart that they can fire from their car at a fleeing suspect. Rather than get in a high speed chase, they just follow the signal. I immediately thought how much I would love to be able to fire one of those from the bike at LBOD candidates – I’d simply track the car from my super computer. Once I found it I would leave a nice steaming pile on the hood of their car.
Comment by sorelegs | 10.22.2007 | 10:25 am

I’ll take a ride with Tom Waddell. If he misses Cheney, I’ll get ‘em. If he misses Bush I take care of that.
Comment by Dino | 10.22.2007 | 10:32 am

I am saving mine for about a year after graduation when the university calls me up and says, “No, you really didn’t graduate. You didn’t meet.. (such and such requirments) and we gave you your diploma by mistake. You will have to quit your job and come back to college so you can come back and take …101 ”
Its happened before. It will happen again. And god forbid it should happen to me.
Comment by Denise | 10.22.2007 | 10:34 am

Well, I would have used my LOBD almost 20 years ago, back when I lived in Key West. My roommate and I had to wait inside the Winn Dixie for the torrential downpour to end so we could ride home with our paper bags filled with groceries. No sooner do we get headed home when a car loaded down with Spring Break Tourons purposely swerves in toward us completely drenching us and our groceries in muddy water. I saluted them and shouted a few choice words but I am sure they did not hear me over their own laughter and whooping. However, they would have definitely felt my wrath if I had used the LOBD.
Comment by FliesOnly | 10.22.2007 | 10:36 am

For me, it would not be so much as “on who” (or is it “on whom”…I will never be able to keep those two things straight) I’d use my LBoD, but rather, it would be a matter of “when” to use my LBoD.

We only get one shot at it…right. But I am of the assumption that others are not aware that we only get that one use. Therefore, I would want witnesses…lots of witnesses. And I would want them to know, absolutely without doubt, that it was ME that caused “that dude” explode and a fiery and painful death…and also WHY he exploded in a fiery and painful death.

And after I was done…I’d make some smart-mouthed comment like:
“Anyone else want a piece of me…uh….any of you others wanna give me crap about riding my bike on “your roads!”?

The situation, then, would have to be something others saw and can relate to. There was that one time when some dude actually skidded to a stopped and jumped out of his van…looking for a fight. Lucky for him, there were no witnesses, so I kept the safety on, and just continued my ride.

Perhaps my best opportunity (and one in which I now know I would use my LBoD) was when I got into an argument with a guy in a convertible at a stop light. A few hundred feet prior, he had come up behind me and laid on his horn…then went by, making some stupid, obscenity-laced comment about getting off the road. This was in a college town and his girlfriend was sitting next to him, so I think part of his attitude was a testosterone induced fantasy of maybe impressing his girlfriend.

And then, what made it great (for me at least) was the fact that up ahead, the stop light turns red and he is forced to stop. I pull up beside him (with a big-ass grin on my face) and simply ask what his problem was. Well…let’s just say…we “discussed” things for a bit. Quickly though, things got a bit heated and a bit loud. Enough so, so that others were beginning to glance our way. There were pedestrians walking beside us…there were cars waiting at the light with us…all of them looking over at us as we continued to verbally spar. It was pretty cool, I have to admit. That would have been a golden opportunity to use my LBoD. Plenty of witnesses, including his girlfriend…(sitting right there beside him no less!!). Man…it would have been sweet.
Comment by gwboivie | 10.22.2007 | 10:37 am

I would have definitely used my Laser Beams of Death by now. It was back when I first started really training to enter my first ever race back in 1988.

I was living in Alberta at the time and I used to ride to the US border and back as a good training ride for a newbie, there were hills as well as open road with a big shoulder to ride on so I never had to worry about traffic. (riding hard the round trip would take roughly 1h 30m). It was about 4:30 PM and I was doing my ride listening to my walkman. (which meant of course I couldn’t hear the traffic)

For some reason I looked over my shoulder and saw a car approaching and they were roughly 1 mile away and saw them move over onto the shoulder, not swerving simply driving with half of the car on the shoulder.

I continued riding hard and looked back again and they were still on the shoulder approaching fast, the speed limit was 100 km. (at this point I figured they were someone I knew just trying to be funny)

I peddled a few more strokes and when I looked back they were approx. 3 feet from my back tire so I swerved into the ditch, hitting my brakes and of course tipping over down farther into the ditch because my feet were locked into my pedals (I was pretty knew to the whole cycling shoes thing and I had the ones with the huge cleat on the bottom that you would also use a toestrap to hold them tight on the pedal.)

When I looked up I saw the car calmly move back off of the shoulder and continued on its way without ever even slowing down.

This car would have definitely gotten the Laser Beams of Death because still to this day I am positive that it was done completely on purpose and that if for some reason I hadn’t looked back when I did I would be dead or have been severely injured.

I have been cut off before and thigs like you mentioned but the majority of the time the person didn’t even realize I was there.
Comment by UltraRob | 10.22.2007 | 10:41 am

Assuming I hadn’t already used my LBOD on one of the other handful of rednecks that have threatened to intentionally run me over, I would have used it a couple years ago while I was riding in Vegas. I had gotten up early and ridden out to Red Rocks before I had to help set up the network for a conference.

It had been a great ride and I was headed back toward the strip. I was riding on a 6 lane road with a full traffic width bike lane. I was over half way over in the bike lane.

I was in my own world when I was struck in the back of the head. I was dazed but saw a bottle of water go bouncing with several ounces of water left in it. Then I saw the big, black Ford truck with a Go Fast sticker that was nearly as big as the tailgate. The passenger had the window down. I wan’t able to get the license plate number though.

The truck was probably going 50 mph but the light a block ahead was red. I started sprinting after them. I was going to at a minimum get the license number but hopefully get to yell at them and who knows what else I would have done.

Just as they were getting to the light with several stopped cars, the left turn arrow turned green. They whipped across 3 lanes of traffic and made the left turn and were gone. I had a headache most of the rest of the day but fortunately nothing worse. The bottle had hit my helmet. I think it would have been much worse if had hit my neck below my helmet. Had I had my LBOD they wouldn’t have been a menace to other cyclists.
Comment by Flying Penguin | 10.22.2007 | 10:44 am

There are a couple of times I think I could have used the laser beams of death. The first was when I was riding with a cop friend of mine (yes he is actually a friend and his cycling days were ended by a 1972 Caprice Classic while he was directing traffic)…Hmmmm…maybe he could have used the laser beams of death she shattered his pelvis and broke both of his legs but I digress – We were on a very rural road when a car passes us going the other way Bobby looks at me and says “Hey, I have a warrant for that guy!” I said, “Bobby, you’re nuts if you think we are going to chase him and, just as a reminder, we are wearing lycrya” Bobby said, “no problem, At least I know where he lives.” and it was about that time the pit bull that had been released from said fugitive’s trailer (house or a reasonable facsimile thereof) started gianing on us. We did have a really good sprint for about a mile and a hair-raising cross of a major highway with large numbers of tractor trailers but I am not sure that I would have used it at that time. There is a short blue haired lady who owns a grey Delta 88 who has run me off the road no fewer than 15 times over the past 5 years who would be Laser Beam of death worthy. I am beginning to think she has a GPS tracking device on me. I am not sure I will be able to catch her however as the only thing I see as she runs me off the road is the puff of blue hair below the top of the steering wheel with the distinct smell of a burning cigarette. I swear I can hear her laughing.
Comment by Big Dan | 10.22.2007 | 10:44 am

Not only would I have used my own laser beams of death, I would forever be in debt to my wife, kids, in-laws, siblings, pets, etc… for all of their laser beams of death that I have used up as well.
Comment by Michael S | 10.22.2007 | 10:52 am

I’d have to say I’d use my LBOD on one of the many students on campus hopping off curbs, running stop signs, and generally causing havoc.

I commute 20 miles a day, and I’m sure my first accident will certainly be caused by another person on a bike, not a car.
Comment by fijiwriter | 10.22.2007 | 10:55 am

Earlier this year, I was riding on a two-lane road in rural Mississippi (keep that in mind as this post continues). There is a tree-covered walking/bike path that runs along-side this road, but on weekends itâ€™s covered by walkers, kids, and suburban housewives walking four-abreast. Needless to say, this bike path isnâ€™t very bike friendly for a roadie wanting to do 20 miles at over 17mph.

Based on this, I guided my bike onto the real road and keep fairly close to the right line and donâ€™t have any troubles…until the Duke Boys show up.

I heard the horn honking before the sound of their diesel engine…and it kept honking…it kept honking until they were right behind me. When they got closer, the horn stopped and they decided that their own voices were better equipped at explaining their ire toward a spandex-clad rider.

â€œGet off the bleeping road!â€ they started. You can decide how to best replace â€œbleepingâ€ with a real, adults-only word. â€œYou bleepers need to be on the bleeping path over there, you bleephole.â€

Then they pulled their white truck with lift kit, mud guards and shiny running boards to my left, and continued their bleep-filled yelling. Wisely, I didnâ€™t answer or do anything but ride and smile and whistle to myself. (Just to tick the passenger off, it was a â€œRentâ€ showtune, not that heâ€™d know.) I guess Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel didnâ€™t like that I was ignoring his potty-mouthed rant, so he decided to navigate his penis-replacing truck closer to me, and continued to hurl epithets at me about my poor road-picking skills and that my kind needed to be off his bleeping road.

Luckily, there were cars behind HIM, and they didnâ€™t take too kindly to see this play out, and started honking back at him for matching my pace and effectively blocking two lanes of road. And there was also oncoming traffic he had to avoid, so heâ€™d drop behind me at times, all the while honking and yelling, and let those car pass. When that was too much for him, he finally pulled around me and would slam on his brakes to taunt me more, not knowing that I can brake far better than he can and have the option to go into the grass with no troubles. After a while, enough honking cars made him speed away, and I like to think that he learned that I wouldnâ€™t react to his own lack of intelligence and road-sharing decorum.

Since that morning, Iâ€™ve played out that scenario many times, and wondered how else I could have handled things. A buddy here swears that when he gets harassed he pulls out his old cell phone, aims it at the car and pretends to take camera-phone pictures, when the cell phone can barely make long distance phone calls. All that I can do now is forgive Cletus and hope that he doesnâ€™t lose too much sleep at night while dreaming of our spandex brothers forcing him off the road, instead. All the while, singing show tunes.
Comment by AMG in Texas | 10.22.2007 | 10:56 am

I would use my LBOD to target cancer and all sicknesses. This way we wont need pink jerseys. While I was at it, I would also eliminate all criminals, death mongers, and all the rest of the ilk that infests this planet. Oh I forget… that is what was promised for us for God to do! Silly me… I am totally unqualified to judge. Let me just get back on my bike and ride away….

Best wishes for Susan. Go Team Fatty!! Go Biker Girls!!!
Comment by Willie Nelson | 10.22.2007 | 11:05 am

I wish I had my LBOD for the UTA driver (the public bus) that opened up his door and yelled at me while I was in the very narrow railroad underpass coming into Springville. What possessed him to do that? I don’t know, I was on the white line and doing just fine on my own. He scared the Clif Bars out of me, causing to swerve dangerously. I would have LOBD’d him and all his passengers to send a message to all mankind: DON’T SCARE CYCLISTS BECAUSE THAT MAKES US SWERVE!
Comment by Glenn | 10.22.2007 | 11:12 am

Two years ago, I was riding through Southeast Portland (in a bike lane) when a minivan pulled up next to me. We were in a school zone, so we were both doing about 20. I looked over and saw a cute little 12 year old girl leaning out the passenger window, “What, you can’t afford a car?” she said, in the snottiest voice possible. Her mother (I’m assuming that the lady driving is her mother, and that she probably told her to say something) looked on without comment, or correcting her. Anyway, I think I would use the LBOD on the little girl’s mother.
I know, you’re thinking I just made that poor little girl an orphan, but I figure that her new foster mother will raise her to be more courteous to strangers and maybe more bike friendly.

cheers,
Glenn
Comment by Thom | 10.22.2007 | 11:14 am

I wouldn’t want to use LBOD on a person, but I sure wish I had them for the dog that attacked me a while back. He would have been a crispy critter and I wouldn’t have woken up in an ambulance. But this is really silly.
Comment by TIMK | 10.22.2007 | 11:19 am

I can’t believe one of us is going to win a T-Shirt. This is therapeutic, you have basically asked us to sit on your couch and open up.

I hope the next FC jersey will come with LBoD in the back pocket.
Comment by TIMK | 10.22.2007 | 11:22 am

Oh, and this is prime material for a Shadow Scythe game. Please.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 10.22.2007 | 11:24 am

I’d use ‘em to put you out of your misery when yer rolling on the ground, holding your shoulder, and yelling ’cause yer seat post was too high. . .
Comment by Al Maviva | 10.22.2007 | 11:26 am

Oh, one other thing. Let me make clear – I wouldn’t use the LBOD on anybody, because as a big person with a temper problem relating to motorists who screw with me, that’s what I firmly believe fists, rocks and bicycles are for. If you aren’t completely incapacitated and need to use a laser to whack somebody who did you wrong on the road, it’s a failure of imagination and testosterone on your part, IMNAAHO. Or a triumph of common sense and pacifism, I can’t really say because I don’t often go that route myself. Too much migrane, not enough Smashin’ Time.
Comment by eunicesara | 10.22.2007 | 11:28 am

My mother had LBoD. Rechargeable. She wore sunglasses, the mirrored kind.
Boy, there’s a lot of road rage on this page today. Jeepers. I’ll even DRIVE miles out of my way if I think someone is following too closely and I feel threatened, and you guys are CHASING THE CARS!
Jeesh. I remember standing on the side of the road sobbing in anger because I had been forced off the road (no decent riding shoulder) on my 17 mile commute to work and I was bleeding and no-one would stop and help me. But by the time I got myself and my beloved Ross out of the ditch, it would have been too late to laser the car and driver anyway.
Comment by bikemike | 10.22.2007 | 11:36 am

there’s a real good reason i’m not in law enforcement. i would have used up all of my bullets the first day and looked at the internal affairs guys like they were crazy for confiscating my gun and sending me home.

laser beam of death with only a one time use, nah! i’ll just use the super- powered water squirter filled with battery acid, thank you very much.

i’m also working on a design where if i’m cut off, the wheels of the offending vehicle fall off 100 yards down the road. that way i get to ride past and laugh.
oh yeah, when the get the wheels get fixed, they continue to fall off after two days, for no reason. forever.
Comment by G | 10.22.2007 | 11:39 am

I would never use the laser beam of death. Not because the thought of a “fiery and painful” disaster is particularly unappealing. Instead, I always want to think that I’m better than the guy who compels me to use it.
Comment by Kim | 10.22.2007 | 11:44 am

Sometimes people just do things that boggle the mind. This is one of those times, so I wouldn’t want to use my Laser Beams of Death on that car. In fact, before I even got to the part about the contest, an idea already sprang to mind. Have you heard of cycling yellow cards? They’re sort of like the ones used in soccer. It’s this little pocket sized yellow magnetic card with the following printed on it:

“This magnet was tossed onto your car by a cyclist who felt that you might have been driving in a way that could have endangered their life.
They chose to toss this magnetic note because it can neither damage your automobile, nor affix itself to rubber or glass and will therefore not affect your driving. It serves to warn you.
With thoughtful contemplation and reverence for humanity, we can adjust our behavior to allow for all people to live life.

This is a yellow card, letâ€™s please not let things get to Red.”

The idea is, if a driver has done something stupid like what happened to you, you toss one of these little magnets at the car. It sticks, does no damage, and hopefully will make the person think. I say, you should have an unlimited number of yellow cards at your disposal, maybe five or ten red cards, and then a one-time use of the Laser Beams of Death. That way, you can still get your point across without having to potentially waste your precious laser on an unworhty target.

Info about yellow cards (and how to make) can be found here.
http://www.petermiller.info/yellowcard.html
Perhaps the only thing I would change would be to add a link where the uninformed driver may find some info on the rules of the road regarding cyclists.

Good luck with infuriating drivers in the future, and stay safe!
Comment by mark | 10.22.2007 | 11:49 am

We may not have LBOD, but we can always put bleach in a water bottle and squirt it in the window that was rolled down for the purpose of yelling at us. A friend of mine has been known to empty water bottles into open windows when stopped at stop lights; bleach would just make it that much more memorable for the driver. Of course, bleach requires hauling around a bottle that you can’t drink. Keeping pepper spray in a jersey pocket may be just as effective and much lighter.

Anyway, for my story, see: http://www.fatcyclist.com/2007/05/15/the-jerk/
Comment by O | 10.22.2007 | 11:51 am

I would use on the guy driving the newer model black Corvette (I’ll refrain from assuming there’s any overcompensation for something going on there!) who nearly ran me off the road. I was at a stop light about to cross under the interstate and had pulled up to the light to wait for it to go green. No cars in the right lane I am in. Mind you I am trying to make myself very visible by stopping right on the white line.
Next thing I know, this black Corvette pulls up right behind me. As the light turns green I start forward and into the underpass which has no bike lane. In fact, the three lanes are probably exactly at minimum width requirements since this freeway was built in the 60’s and since then the city has decided to squeeze three lanes into it instead of the original two. As I cross the intersection and into what is a bicyclist’s no man’s land, the black Corvette came by me at full speed within inches of me. No giving me 5 feet, no giving me 3 feet, heck he might have given me 3 INCHES! No where to ditch and a few thousand pounds of finely made American overcompensation flying be me. If I had Laser Beams of Death, I can guarantee you I would have used them!
Comment by VA Biker | 10.22.2007 | 12:21 pm

I have a tale of LBoD worthiness. Some 22+yrs ago I bought my first “real” road bike at age 20. I bought a Schwinn LeTour because I had visions of cyclo-touring. That did happen, but it was a long time after 1985.

Anyway, I was cycling through my small Virginia town, MMOB, when I hear this sinus and GI tract-evacuating sound behind and to my left. The passenger of a vehicle had a mouthful of mucus-laden goo to expectorate on me. He let loose with an awful â€œThooo!â€ He missed. I dutifully extended my left middle finger in fit of rage behind my KIWI helmet (only .5kg, as if listing it in kg makes 1.1lbs seem any lighter, but it was The Bomb back then).

Well, the expectorator’s buddy who was driving the requisite Ford F150 pickup truck had considerably more horsepower. He jammed the accelerator and took after me. I exited the main street and zigged and zagged through the short block, residential area. They were right with me. Certain that I was going to be grill-fodder, I dismounted at an intersection, in the front lawn of a modest Methodist church. At the 4-way stop behind, several cars stopped to see the confrontation.

The driver ran out of the truck. His buddy exited the passenger side. I didn’t want a fight but in dealing with Neanderthals, sometimes there is no choosing. I saw the 2 girlfriends in the cab of the truck, thoroughly entertained by the proceedings. Then the nunchaku (aka, nunchuks in the US) came out. At that moment, LBoD were absolutely in order. After whipping them around his body, the driver told me I’d better apologize for flippin’ ‘em off. Time was a blur. Damnit, I never felt so humiliated in saying sorry. Sorry for what? Of course I said I was sorry and the maniac truck diver scored one.

I did learn a real lesson of the day. (Maybe Iâ€™d feel differently if I had the fighting experience and size of Al M., but I donâ€™t.) Donâ€™t openly flip people off, no matter how mad you get. In cycling, it must be done behind a jacket, along the top tube, etc. In car driving itâ€™s done on the inside door panel or in front of the dash. The true confrontation is just not worth it. I take down license plate numbers and makes of cars instead. I then get the utter frustration of the police telling me that there is nothing they can do unless I can identify the vehicle driver. Huh? Someone tell me how that works?

Do note that in Virginia, USA, a woman was both charged and convicted for hurling a â€œmissileâ€ from a car, into another car. The â€œmissileâ€ was a paper-laminating drinking cup, partially full of beverage and ice. She did time behind bars. Surely cyclists on the receiving end of drink bottles and cans are able to get these folks charged. Surely the police will listen nowâ€¦

Bring on the LBoD; Iâ€™m ready.

RE: http://tinyurl.com/2cvd3b (The missile story.)
Comment by aussie kev | 10.22.2007 | 12:44 pm

Its a no brainer – Susans cancer would take a direct hit – boooooom !!!!, if thats outside of the rules then Magpies ( i now there are millions of them here in Australia, but sending even one exploding into a ball of black and white feathers would make cycling a better experience for ever !!!! ( I hate Magpies)
Comment by Velofreak | 10.22.2007 | 12:45 pm

The closest I have come to using the Laser Beams of Death was last year just before the Josie Johnson Memorial Ride – a ride to honor cyclists who have been killed by cars during the year.
I was doing a warmup lap around Sugarhouse Park, going past the entrance to the park at the same time a SUV was entering the park. Instead of just slowing down and waiting for me to vacate the space she was rapidly trying to occupy, she decided to express her displeasure in finding a puny little cyclist in her way by laying on her horn.
The irony of almost losing my life just before a ride to remember those who had wasn’t lost on me, and I probably acted a little rash in my response to her honking by coming to a complete stop in front of her, clicking out of both pedals and standing there yelling at her at the top of my lungs how upset I would have been if she would have hit me, making me a literal “part” of the memorial ride.
Did this lady deserve the LBoD? at the time my answer would have been a resounding yes, as I would have watched her car go up in flames. Now, Probably not. Funny how time softens the emotions of the situation.
Comment by 331miles | 10.22.2007 | 12:56 pm

On Mother’s Day 2006, I was riding on Loop 360 in Austin TX. It’s a busy road, and I was on the shoulder doing about 20 mph when a passenger truck passed me. All windows on the truck were open, which is unusual for Texas, as it was already hot that day. About the same time I noticed the windows were open, I noticed a pancake sailing past my head. I assume it was leftover from someone’s Mother’s Day trip to IHOP. Definitely the strangest thing I’ve ever had thrown at me, and I would have used the LBoD on the pancake, not the driver, kind of like bicycling and skeet shooting at the same time.
Comment by Pinchie | 10.22.2007 | 1:04 pm

I am saving my LBOD for self-righteous cyclists, present company excluded. I’ve said it many times before: The only thing that looks worse on a cyclist than angry indignation and moral superiority is white shorts and shoes.

A lippy cyclist is frequently a dead or maimed cyclist — or at the very least, a cyclist with a citation from an unsympathetic cop– so perhaps my LBOD are redundant!

That’s not to say that anger isn’t justified, just that it can only end in tears.
Comment by Pinchie | 10.22.2007 | 1:13 pm

Just to add a point of reference, and to throw some gasoline on the fire here: http://www.pinchflatnews.com/2007/10/truth-in-bilge.html

Among other things:

# 91% of road users have caught cyclists riding on the footpath/pavement
# 76% regularly see cyclists riding without lights on in the dark
# 74% have witnessed cyclists passing through a red traffic light
# 68% have seen cyclists failing to signal when turning left or right
# 50% have seen cyclists heading the wrong way down a one-way road
# Cyclists driving through pedestrian crossing (44%)
# Cyclists shouting at car and motorbike drivers (38%)
# Shouting at pedestrians (27%)
# Causing an accident (18%)
# Cyclists not having insurance which means they canâ€™t compensate other people involved in the accident (9%)

A “study” just came out about car drivers’ impressions of cyclists… this one is in Great Britain. Hey, ONE PERCENT of British car drivers are offended by Lycra!
Comment by Pinchie | 10.22.2007 | 1:14 pm

Just to add a point of reference, and to throw some gasoline on the fire here: http://www.pinchflatnews.com/2007/10/truth-in-bilge.html

A “study” just came out about car drivers’ impressions of cyclists… this one is in Great Britain. Hey, ONE PERCENT of British car drivers are offended by Lycra!

Among other things:

# 91% of road users have caught cyclists riding on the footpath/pavement
# 76% regularly see cyclists riding without lights on in the dark
# 74% have witnessed cyclists passing through a red traffic light
# 68% have seen cyclists failing to signal when turning left or right
# 50% have seen cyclists heading the wrong way down a one-way road
# Cyclists driving through pedestrian crossing (44%)
# Cyclists shouting at car and motorbike drivers (38%)
# Shouting at pedestrians (27%)
# Causing an accident (18%)
# Cyclists not having insurance which means they canâ€™t compensate other people involved in the accident (9%)
Comment by Ryan Cousineau | 10.22.2007 | 1:15 pm

Dang, LBOD? More than I would care to manage. Because with great Laser Beams of Death would probably not come great Neurons of Responsible Use.

Maybe you should just mount an Air Zound instead? All of the noticeable vengeance, none of the firey death.
Comment by Pinchie | 10.22.2007 | 1:16 pm

Sorry for the double post, I hit send before I was done self-editing — I’m sure you’ll clean it all up for me, Fatty??
Comment by Kevin Brady | 10.22.2007 | 1:16 pm

My LBoD award goes to the college journalist (I use the word lightly) who wrote a hate-driven article entitled “Why Bicycles Belong on the Sidewalk” found here: http://tinyurl.com/ypjx4x. After sending the article to all the fellow cyclists we could and absolutely blowing up her inbox, the only thing left is to find her Monte Carlo mentioned in the article and use the LBoD. I want her to live though…in fear….for all eternity….. Bwah ha ha
Comment by TomO | 10.22.2007 | 1:34 pm

I have a question regarding the laser of death: I was involved in a classic left cross. I had less than 1 second to react, which of course was not enough to allow me to avoid this collision. If I could just think the laser of death to strike this this car, I would have been appoximately 10 feet or less from the car when the laser hit it and traveling at ~18 mph. This would mean the laser would hit the car less than 1/2 second before I would contact the plane of the car. Would the car vaporize and dissipate instantly before I hit it so that I would have just continued merrily on my commute to work or would I have rode into the inferno and been consumed along with the car?
Comment by TomO | 10.22.2007 | 1:34 pm

I have a question regarding the laser of death: I was involved in a classic left cross. I had less than 1 second to react, which of course was not enough to allow me to avoid this collision. If I could just think the laser of death to strike this this car, I would have been appoximately 10 feet or less from the car when the laser hit it and traveling at ~18 mph. This would mean the laser would hit the car less than 1/2 second before I would contact the plane of the car. Would the car vaporize and dissipate instantly before I hit it so that I would have just continued merrily on my commute to work or would I have rode into the inferno and been consumed along with the car?
Comment by TomO | 10.22.2007 | 1:35 pm

I have a question regarding the laser of death: I was involved in a classic left cross. I had less than 1 second to react, which of course was not enough to allow me to avoid this collision. If I could just think the laser of death to strike this this car, I would have been appoximately 10 feet or less from the car when the laser hit it and traveling at ~18 mph. This would mean the laser would hit the car less than 1/2 second before I would contact the plane of the car. Would the car vaporize and dissipate instantly before I hit it so that I would have just continued merrily on my commute to work or would I have rode into the inferno and been consumed along with the car?
Comment by Bobby | 10.22.2007 | 1:45 pm

Believe it or not, I am still angry enough about a “Small Man – Big Truck” who, out of no other reason than he was mad becuase he was stuck in traffic and I was not, pulled up later on down the road in front of me, into the bike lane and slammed on his brakes! I came inches from hitting his bumper. I couldn’t even ride for a few minutes because if the shakes I had – not from fear but from sheer rage.

I memorized the back of his truck – window stickers and all…waiting. Sad thing is, that I actually saw him again 2 weeks later but he was uncatchable. Just seeing him again made my blood boil. I think that If I saw him again I would still use laser beams -in the form of a boot heel.

I no longer live in Portland but if any of you do and see a small guy with black hair driving a black range rover with a confederate flag sticker on the back…get him for me and I’LL buy you a Fat Cyclist T-shirt.

btw Fatty : had you been wearing the large orange triangle reflector as is suggested in “The Rear End Pt 2.” you may not have had such a close call. Don’t you find it interesting that the lady in the picture is too cool for a helmet but perfectly fine with that construction traffic sign mounted on her back?
Pingback by RocBike.com | The RocBike Review » Links Of The Day: 22 October 2007 | 10.22.2007 | 1:47 pm

[...] Free T-Shirt Monday: Laser Beams of Death [...]
Comment by Amanda | 10.22.2007 | 1:48 pm

I ride in South Texas, where the only acceptable mode of transportation is a jacked-up pickup truck. Helmets are optional, cowboy hats are not. Obviously, this makes me a Pinko Commie Environmentalist Hippie. Obviously, this entitles aforementioned cowboy-hat wearing jacked-up pickup truck driving, hairy, drawling, wife-beater wearing to holler at me, honk and give me the finger, swerve “jokingly” at me and laugh, and–my personal favorite–throw things at me. To date: a (mostly empty) can of beer, an icee, and a (thankfully sealed) Coca-Cola bottle of chewing tobacco spit.

Yes, I would definitely have used the laser beams of death on any one of these kindly folks.
Comment by LtCol Tim | 10.22.2007 | 1:55 pm

Hey Todd…keep the politics off the page. Many here inculuding myself have very different opinions; you’re certainly entitled to yours. I’ve spent almost 20 years and numerous combat deployments to ensure it remains that way. Regardless, FC is where I return to laugh and relax, not for politics. There are plenty of other sites for that.

Ride Safe!
Comment by swiss | 10.22.2007 | 1:59 pm

i agree with the position that cycling is too happy an activity to employ lbod. in which case i’ll nominate who i wouldn’t use them on. which today would the german tourists who followed me up the hill i was suffering on and offered polite encouragement. beams of joy to my european cousins!
Comment by In Oz during the Bush years | 10.22.2007 | 2:29 pm

if Tom Waddell wants to start a group ride let me know!!!
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 10.22.2007 | 2:37 pm

I’ve got 2 in mind and it’s purely a coin toss who gets the meet God early.

1. My sister. She’s a permanent pain in the laser beam owner. I’d get all dressed up in my lycra and ride my bike around the country just to qualify to fry her to kingdom come. Then at least I’d understand the mental trauma I was trying to nurse my 17y.o. nephew threw.

2. Magpies. Like Kev said it’s a nasty place to ride around here in spring. 2 pound black and white velociraptors protecting their eggs and newly hatched offspring.
Comment by In Oz during the Bush years | 10.22.2007 | 2:37 pm

Sorry, that was Todd Waddell- great post!

LtCol – go for a ride and clear your head. It is a world wide view about George and Dick, but congrats on taking orders for 20 years.
Comment by SteveW | 10.22.2007 | 2:38 pm

Regrettably, I would have long ago used my laser beams of death. Would it have been on the addle-brained cretans in the their Daddy’s 4×4 Dodge Power Wagon that launched a half-full beer bottle at my skull (and missed), or would it have been at the pre-occupied soccer mom complete with mini-van that passed me within inches on the highway at 65 mph??? Or another long forgotten would-be assailant? I can’t say. I’d have used the LBOD with no self control whatsoever in a blind rage at the first opportunity, hopefully in some secluded area. I’d have left the scene in a record breaking sprint, then watched the ‘news at 10:00′ for some unexplained possible meteor strike, and chuckled in secret glee……
Comment by Maddy | 10.22.2007 | 2:41 pm

On my ex.
Nothing to do with cycling, except that I’d be willing to track him down on my bike, and corner the miserable bastard with 12 kilos of foldable bikey-ness, before I let rip with the most magnificent LBOD the world has ever seen, and then cycle off, knowing A Good Deed Had Been Done.
Comment by LtCol Tim | 10.22.2007 | 3:00 pm

In Oz…thanks for such empathy and insight into my life. Check mirror…with few exceptions we all take orders from “the man” in one form or another. Some of us just live in denial. You’re right in that cycling is an escape from the stresses of everyday life. So sorry, but I probably don’t fit into your neat preconception of what I ought to be.

So enough. You and Todd can look me up if you’re ever fortunate enough to make it to the north shore of Oahu. In fact I just did return from a ride and am now headed out surfing.

End of subject on this unless you now know me enough to waste your lbod on me.

Mahalo and Shaka riding!

Tim…

Prayers for Susan.
Comment by eunicesara | 10.22.2007 | 3:02 pm

Go Maddy! GO!
Comment by sans auto | 10.22.2007 | 3:14 pm

Sometimes I find more rational retaliation to be more entertaining. For example, the car that buzzed me and a teammate, leaving mere inches between the mirror and the curb. We caught him at the light (completely oblivious). At that point my friend drenched him through his sunroof with his water bottle and anounced that today we would work on sprints. Had I used the LBoD, I would have missed the look on that guy’s face… One of the best I’ve seen.

Another example… The guy in the Mustang 5.0 convertible from my highschool who soaked me with a super-soaker and then turned around to do it again. He turned into a residential area and slowed down. I chased him down and got close enough to him that I was able to toss my open bottle of Gatorade into the back seat of his car (leather). I don’t know why he didn’t kill me, but I suspect it was because he didn’t know how to explain he had been caught by a guy on a bike. All things considered, the LBoD would have been a waste.

Here it is, the chevy dually that passed me at 10 pm, slowed, pushed me off the road and then pealing out to spray me with gravel and fill my face with diesel exhaust. This is the place for the LBoD, his genes no longer belong in the gene pool.
Comment by TIMK | 10.22.2007 | 3:20 pm

Have to say with I agree on the LtCol on this one – not on his implied defense of Bush and Cheney (I’m counting the days until their departure myself) but on the request to keep Fatty’s pages sacred. We don’t talk politics on the group ride, learned long ago that it only causes tension. There are a million other sites for the political blah blah.

LtCol Tim, I’ve got a friend out your way who is a new orthopedic surgeon at “Crippler” – she mountain bikes, wind surfs and road bikes, but still hates Hawaii because she’d rather be in Colorado or Alaska. Apparently you don’t get much snow out there on the islands.
Comment by monkeywebb | 10.22.2007 | 3:30 pm

My politics may line up with Todd, sore legs, etc, but in this instance my appreciation goes to Tim for three reasons:
1. He doesn’t want political yickiness to taint this fine forum.
2. He gave 20 years of his life to the US, something that should be judged independantly of various leaders’ agendas.
3. He’s found a way to ride and surf in Hawaii on what sounds like a daily basis. I’d bet I could learn a lot from him.
Comment by lmouse | 10.22.2007 | 3:30 pm

Well, as I may have mentioned before, there’s this hay truck that’s clearly out to get me. One false move and he’s toast.
Comment by RosieRider | 10.22.2007 | 3:38 pm

Two Words: Logging truck. Riding my bike up the coasts of California and Oregon in about 1980, I first encounter logging trucks. Hint for the uninitiated — they’re huge, they’re slow, and they don’t bend very well. The ride up 101 includes lots of long, slow, steep grinds, and the much-shorter-seeming downhill runs.

98% of the logging truck drivers were reasonably courtesous. Actually, make that 99.999. But the one guy, who tried very hard to shove me off the road on a haripin turn with no guardrail, where, had he succceeded, I would have crashed at least 100 feet — he deserved the laser beam of death. I was going up, and had no ability to sprint ahead, and nowhere to pull over to the side and wait him out.

Maybe everyone has this happen from time to time, but I’m afraid of heights, and since this happened on the outside of a curve, not the inside . . . well, let’s just say that the old fashioned chamoises weren’t very absorbant.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.22.2007 | 3:39 pm

CANCER

Otherwise, I vote for Denise!
Comment by KatieA978 | 10.22.2007 | 3:41 pm

I would have ridden my bike (with the attached Laser Beams of Death) up the stairs of my currently office, into my Boss’ office and taken out that entire side of the building (minus his change jar, that things got about $500 in it).

I’m so glad I’ve resigned. :)

But if I’m not allowed to ride up the office stairs, I reckon I might have used it on the idiot young man who once reached out of his car (passenger) and grabbed my seat whilst I was going up a hill out of the saddle. Luckily I had figured the car was going to do SOMETHING stupid, cause you could hear them coming a mile off. I don’t like gravel rash, and I’ve managed to avoid it most times, but I got it that day, and almost went under the wheel of their car.

Do the Laser Beams of Death come with turbo boosters so I could have caught up to them?? And who is that stupid / drunk at 10am in the morning??!!
Comment by Walter | 10.22.2007 | 4:10 pm

Do ya think the technology perfected in creating the LBOD might actually be applicable to curing cancer? That’d be cool…

Failing that, I think I’d have to use mine for the next cretin who gets impatient maneuvering his/her 4-ton, exhaust-spewing, megajumbo sportutepickuptruckhummer through a pack of riders on a narrow back road on during the Pan Mass Challenge (or any other charity ride) while talking on a cell phone — I imagine you’ve met him/her?
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 10.22.2007 | 4:13 pm

I have just completed the Around The Bay ride in Melbourne proudly wearing the pink and telling anyone who would listen the story. Got a number of compliments on the style of the top also so well done Twin6.
Anyhow regretfully I must report I would have used the laser beam of death (LBD) on a fellow cyclist from this ride. This twat in a Liquigas outfit just zoomed in and out of groups at will seeming to think if he made his move left or right and then indicated his intention to do so that it was fine. He had no idea how to paceline just swapping lines anytime he felt like it. He pi**ed me off so much it was either knock him off his bike or leave the group. I chose the latter. The down side of this was my team buddies were in the same group and by dropping out the back I got seperated from them.
This ride was 210km long and the number of times I encountered this clown was unbelievable. I was struggling on the way back into a hot strong northerly wind and finally found a group I could tag on to and stay with and was starting to make headway. Then like an annoying fly he drops in right in front of me in the line as we were rotating slows down causing us to lose contact and then proceeds to accelerate everytime I tried to pass. What a clown.
Anyhow that was Sunday and it is Tuesday now. I’ve mellowed and would just like to set the LBD’s to stun (very painfully stun tho) now in case of future use. However when I get to 90 and only riding shorter distances if I have not used the death bit I might go and find him.
Comment by Wife PhD | 10.22.2007 | 4:15 pm

Just last week I presented my defense for my PhD dissertation. My advisor has been pretty much incognito for the last several months. Appearing periodically to ensure that my smooth path to completion had a few bumps to keep me honest. Fortunately for him, on the date of my defense, I had not powered up my Laser Beams of Death for there were several moments when had the system been fully functional, he would have been merely a pile of minerals and carbon. I could make up some story here about being on my bike during the defense to make this into a cycling story…but too tired to be that creative.
Comment by sfcgijill | 10.22.2007 | 4:21 pm

I’m not saving my LBoD- I’m aiming them at the satellite directly overhead that is responsible for all cellphone communication- taking them all out at once and making the roads safer for cyclists, pedestrians and (sigh) even other motorists. And it even cures some rude table manners, too loud talkers in airports, and people holding me up in the checkout line.

And, if by some chance, it also kills all call waiting for all phone lines worldwide, well, I might just throw a party.
Comment by david | 10.22.2007 | 4:27 pm

I’m late here, and way out of the contest, but I would have so already used the LBD.

My murderous fantasy is having somebody in a car screw with me, them they have some kind of car/pick-up truck problem on down the road, (usually a pick-up truck, I’m just saying,) I catch them up, and then slam their heads repeatedly in a car/truck door.

Then I feel bad for having such hateful thoughts, that’s the problem with the LBD isn’t it? When somebody scares you so bad that, just for a second, if you could you would really kill them, it’s a eye-opening moment, and makes me think about some of the horrible stuff that happens in the world.
Comment by Rider34 | 10.22.2007 | 4:45 pm

It’s funny that you mentioned your Laser Beam of Death as I have been working feverishly on my own device. The Jerk Seeking Missle….I am unable to discuss at nausium the details of my device since it is still in the infancy phase of development and I don’t want to divuldge any patent sensitive information. To summarize, my weapon doesn’t require any visual acquity or constant contact with the target. Once the button is depressed, the smart weapon is capable of finding the offending target and destroying it while allowing time for the user to gain a safe distance from the impending mushroom cloud and any subsequent fallout.

The number of times that I wish I could have used my ingenious invention have been numerable, but unfortunately I have had some development issues with the scent guidance system. If anyone has any suggestions please submit ideas in writing to Norfolk & Way c/o Frig-em-all Industries.
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 10.22.2007 | 5:00 pm

Me again
I just read through all the comments after my post and I’m quite scared to get back on my bike. Riding and guns don’t seem to fit together. Twat in Liquigas gear you are now safe – cancer (and this is not my original idea others came up with it already) you are toast. Once that is done and if I have not used my LBD’s can I swap them for a set of Racing Fulcrum 1’s?
Can I just add that in the ride on Sunday there were a number of groups riding in support of Cancer in various forms of pink but I only saw one other guy. He was riding on a double tandem (4 riders) with 3 delightful ladies for company and really seemed to be enjoying himself. They had a stereo system blasting away as they went past and certainly got good publicity for their cause.
Sue thanks for helping me finish this probably sounds a bit dramatic – I was in a bit of trouble for the last 25 miles (really bad cramping) but wearing the pink helped me keep going and to ride across the line at the finish was a real buzz. Feel the love.
Comment by Scott Baryenbruch | 10.22.2007 | 5:04 pm

On a ride near my hometown a few years ago I saw a family climbing into the rusty trusty suburban. One of the kids (about five or six years old) was whining and apparently taking too long. Mr mullet (I assume the father) grabs the kid very aggressively by the arm, slaps his butt and yells, “get your a** in the f’ing car!”. Well apparently this set the family mutt off and he started barking loudly at the end of his chain. Mr. mullet walked toward the dog, kicked it in the ribcage and yelled, “stupid f’ing dog”. With that I was over the hill and out of sight but if I had your Laser Beam of Death I would have spun a 180 and unleashed it’s fury on Mr. Mullet himself and the world would have been a better place because of it. I’d have to ask around to be sure but I am pretty sure Mr. mullet and his wife are now divorced and the kid from that fateful day didn’t make it out of high school…never came close to graduating….
Comment by Rocky | 10.22.2007 | 5:07 pm

Certainly it would be the cigarette smoking, coffee drinking, cell phone talking, putting-on-makeup-while-driving-with-my-knee-so-I-can’t-stop-whilst-leaving-the-parking-lot-of-the-local-grocery, teenager that I actually tried to burn to death with my super powerful headlamp (Light & Motion Arc) as it was at 6:30 a.m. on my sub 20 degree winter commute last year.

Yes, I realize that I have more items mentioned being in her hands than said teenager had hands. It was: coffee and cigarette in one hand and makeup (mascara applicator I think) and cell phone in the other. As my skinny little tires groped for traction to shed the 25 mph on the frosty road to avoid the clash, she managed a “sorry” out of her half-open window while never touching the brakes. I had the adrenaline shakes for most of the day. Yup. I would have torched her.
Comment by CB | 10.22.2007 | 5:11 pm

I’d use my laser beams of death on that actor that played Steve Erkel in Family Matters. Boy, that guy was annoying.
Comment by scott | 10.22.2007 | 5:51 pm

I prefer stinger missiles to shoot up the tailpipes of the cars that drive at high speed down our residential street.
Comment by Craigaroonie | 10.22.2007 | 5:56 pm

Some rather cruel former friends suggested I have a short fuse.
That aside, it is possible that my single shot laser may be used up before I get out of the bikeshop.

A WEEK!!!!
I have to wait a week for my new bike???!@#$%&
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTT!!!!!!!!

Dang, could have saved that for a taxi.
Comment by Harp | 10.22.2007 | 6:35 pm

I couldn’t tell you if I would have used it by now. I would like to think not but I am kinda a fly off the handle person so I don’t know. I would like to think that I would wait and use it on the person that would nearly run me over when I was crossing the street at the 4 way stop by my house who wasn’t paying attention to the me on a bike crossing when it was my turn then get pissed and yell at me like it was all my fault. Just this situation would not warrant using it but when the person made fun of my lycra shorts then in combination with almost hitting me the cannon would be unloaded.

The two parts of this situation have both happened but not at the same time. I did almost get hit by a car while crossing the street at the four way stop and the guy got pissed at me like it was my fault when I went when I was supposed to and someone else one time while waiting at the same stop made a comment about how I was dressed.
Comment by Dobovedo | 10.22.2007 | 6:38 pm

No matter how mad I’ve been or could imagine being, I just can’t (or won’t) picture being homicidal. Even though the special effects would be SPECTACULAR. Unless maybe the result was me being killed. Do the LBOD work in the afterlife? Then it’s biblical – an eye for an eye and all that.

Could I change it to Laser Beams of Explosive Diarrhea? The driver would immediately fill their shorts and I think that’s highly appropriate, considering they’ve very nearly made me fill mine.
Comment by Scott | 10.22.2007 | 6:46 pm

What good is a Laser Beam of Death with a single round magazine? I prefer the Middle Finger of Doom.
Comment by Gordon in Melbourne | 10.22.2007 | 6:48 pm

Too late for a Laser Beam of Death.

Some years ago my Brother In Law and I started on our patented Cull Theory. Similar principle but you get 1 every 2 months (after passing the criteria to be issued a Cull Licence) and away you go. It is not limited to cycling near misses.

It is before parliament as we speak and if it gets through Australia will be a better place for it.

Only problem is I have been known to do some silly things in past so this could be one of my last comments. Trying to juggle while barely able to ride a unicycle may be a silly thing in other licence holders eyes.

I still can’t do both at once.
Comment by KP | 10.22.2007 | 7:32 pm

Riding out of Provo Canyon at a respectable 45 mph, 3 tour buses, I could have reached out and touched the first bus, second bus not so bad, third bus I could have touched with my elbow while my hand was on the hood, my death grip and mountain bike skills made it uneventful from there, and all of this on my birthday!
Comment by LtCol Tim | 10.22.2007 | 7:45 pm

TIMK…send her email via fc. Personally, by LBOD would involve a sattelite in geosynchronus orbit. Since the LBOD is so powerful, combining the potential energy of all of our beams would allow us to produce an infinite supply of energy. Also, when striking a motorist, dog, bluehair, or mullet head down, the satelite would absorb their energy ala’ “Highlander”.

Riders would simply recieve a sim chip embedded in their “universal LBS members card”. Riders would start with a yearly amount of energy that if not used would of course be rolled over like cell phone minutes. The amount of energy would be proportional to the number of miles ridden (not including miles ridden backward on a hipster fixed gear cobbled together on an old chopped and flopped road frame), Use on near death situations would not cost as much as regular old indignant, righteous anger.

This system is only in development, but the techonolgy exists! I’m sure that we could get more funding as a rider on some pork barrel legislation. I’ve already hired on Cyberdyne Research Systems to further develop this concept. Eventually we will have a “globally linked defense network” of laser beams of death…. bwa hahahahaha!!!
Comment by John Daigle | 10.22.2007 | 11:17 pm

I’d use it on a cop. Now, I know, we need the police, the police are wonderful, the indiscriminant killing of policemen is a bad, bad thing.

But hear my story first, and judge later.

I was on my way to work. I was riding along at the same speed as traffic (after passing about 3 blocks of gridlock). I was in the lane, because the side of the road was a cratered mess of loose concrete and storm grates. I stopped when the nice police officer signaled all traffic to halt for a pedestrian. All well and good. Then the cop gestured for me to stop.

“You need to ride on the side of the road.”
“I do?”
“Yes, its the law.”

I pointed to the craters at the edge of the lane. “There isn’t room, and the pavement isn’t safe. The law is that I have to take the lane if there isn’t enough room to pass me or it isn’t safe to ride.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

This is the point where the LBoD would have been used. Because, well, the law damn well does say that.* I don’t say that, though. I just point to the road. “It isn’t safe to ride at the edge.”

“You need to obey the law.”

Again. Perfect time for LBoD as a substitute for something pithy like “But won’t the lane get blocked by the ambulance?” I argued for about one more sentence, then just say, “Yes officer. I’ll do that. Thank you.” Which was a poor substitute for shooting death rays from my eyes and cooking him.

Why LBoD, though? Wouldn’t it be better to have a mind ray of migraine that you could use over and over again? Think of it as operant conditioning.

*Actually, the law says

“Every person operating a bicycle upon a roadway shall ride as near to the right side of the roadway as practicable, except when turning left or avoiding hazards to safe cycling, when the lane is too narrow to share safely with a motor vehicle, when traveling at the same speed as traffic, or while exercising due care when passing a standing vehicle or one proceeding in the same direction; provided, however, that every person operating a bicycle away from the right side of the roadway shall exercise reasonable care and shall give due consideration to the other applicable rules of the road.”
Comment by David Love | 10.22.2007 | 11:17 pm

Wow…This one’s easy. A few years ago I was riding my bike in Austin, TX where I live. I write a blog here in Austin, and after it happened I got home and wrote a blog entry in all my fury. I’ll copy and paste it here so my original tone can be preserved. I’ve blocked all the naughty words, because Fat Cyclist is family friendly. And I stopped cursing on my blog, because after this entry my Grandfather wrote me a email about how I didn’t need to use language like this. I wonder what he would think now that I’d use my Laser Beams Of Death on another human being. So here’s my original story:

You won’t believe this, But some f***er threw a bottle at me out of his car today when I was out on a bike ride. Iâ€™m riding along on the shoulder of MOPAC down by Slaughter Lane, and a 3/4 full bottle of Gatorade comes flying over my shoulder, just missing me. A huge truck, with what looked like motocross bikes in the back, goes wizzing by as I try to contemplate what just happened. I wasnâ€™t able to get the plates, because it took me a minute to even realize what just happened. Not to mention the car was probably going 70 miles an hour. I still canâ€™t believe this. I was so f***ing angry, that itâ€™s a good thing that the light 50 yards down the road was green. I would of pulled the guy out of his car and kicked the s**t out of him. Itâ€™s still pretty hard to comprehend. Iâ€™m seriously lucky that the bottle didnâ€™t hit me. 1st of all, since the car was going probably 70 miles an hour, that means the bottle would of been too. Probably would of knocked me over, and bike crashes on Asphalt going 20 miles an hour are real fun. Not to mention wherever the thing hit me would be in serious pain. Imagine if it was the back of my head. I wear a helmet, but the back of my head is more or less exposed. To be honest, this is why I donâ€™t like taking my road bike out on the open road. I mostly ride on the Veloway, but I can ride there from my house, so I still have 3 miles of traffic. Texas drivers are the most obnoxious Iâ€™ve ever seen. I know the motto is â€œTexas Friendlyâ€ but it should be â€œTexas Friendly, unless weâ€™re in a car. Then watch the f**k out!!â€

F***ing A**hole. I hope Karma gives you Herpes. A real scorching case.
Comment by TheLurker | 10.22.2007 | 11:39 pm

Well it’s nearly winter in this hemisphere and clocks are going back this weekend so it’ll be the next damned idiot that blinds me by not dipping his headlights.
Comment by Patrik | 10.23.2007 | 12:06 am

When i was doing road biking i found my self using my lazer of death more or less ones a week. At last burning people like pigs in hell when they tried to kill me with there cars(while talking on the phone), drunk teens on tuned mopeds and even pedestrians was to much. I sold my fast Cannondale road bike and bought me a big heavy downhill bike. Going fast with that one on the way to work is impossible and if some thing is in my way i just go over it. My hospital visits have been more regular but If im in pain nowadays due to my bike its my own fault.
Comment by William | 10.23.2007 | 1:25 am

I am not an aggressive person as a general rule, so I am pretty sure that my powder would still be dry. What would it take to get me to fire my LBoD?
I don’t think drivers try to kill us on purpose so I would use it for something else. How many people who put their bikes on the roof of their cars ahve driven into a garage or car park or something that ripped at least one bike off the roof damaging both bikes and cars? Lots (including me and almost everyone I know who uses a bike roof rack) so my LBoD is being saved for when I have the bike of my dreams (and maybe the car of my dreams too although then the bike may be in the car…) and realise just a split second too late that I am about to wreck both bike and car.
Even if it is my own house, it’s gotta get blown out of the way!
NB of course in this case anyone in the house is safe from harm, it is make believe after all!
Comment by highwaymunky | 10.23.2007 | 2:09 am

I would probably used my my LBOD three times in an hour a few months ago but upon reflection it would have been for the moron! who was shouting at me to get out of the way whilst waiting for a gap in the traffic to turn right. (we drive on the left in the UK)

As I approached the junction I signaled my intention, moved over to the middle of the road, I had lights on the front and back of my bike and a yellow jacket so i was easily visible. I was waiting for a gap in the on coming traffic and a car comes up behind me also wanting to turn right, he arrived at break neck speed and had to skid to a halt to avoid hitting me! This idiot who was clearly the missing link in human evolution (with a driving licence) hung his over weight sweaty head out of the car and proceeded to shout
“get out of the way this is a road!”
Yes it is a road and I have as much right to use it as him. Being the high moralled upstanding citizen i am i ignored him.
Still more traffic is coming towards me… no gap.
Again the pond life speaks ” Oi I said get out of the way!” “F***ing Cyclists!”
My blood temperature has now reached def con 3
I now choose my words carefully ” I will go when theres a gap”
This i thought would sort the situation but NO this example of the dregs of society moves his car forward, revving his pollution machine to intimidate me!
I have now had enough and don’t want to get pushed over then have my head squashed by the approaching caravan of SUV’s
“Oi back off Wa**er!” (very English insult)
Having lowered my self to swearing I was now furious and the Idiot starts honking at me.
At last a gap, I’m off I set off and easily get through the gap but this idiot sets off straight after me and is right up my ass. There was no way in hell i was going to move over for him (just not enough room on this country lane for bike car & on coming traffic)
So he’s right up behind me honking his horn and then he makes a reckless move to over take me with traffic coming the other way and forces me over towards the edge of the road and further over and further over until I was faced with the options of ditch or car meeting…….
I chose to ditch. I anchor up… and go face first into a hedge.
Having wrestled my self out of the hedge and to my feet I can just see the wretched piece of human filth speeding away at this point

I would have happily deployed the full fury of my LBOD and sent his ass to hell in a fireball! much to the applause of the other car drivers who saw the incident and cyclist everywhere for removing such a waste of blood and organs from the food chain.

I may have even been given a medal for the well judged, full excusable use of the LBOD, protecting society and cyclists from him.

LBOD if only!
Comment by Dobovedo | 10.23.2007 | 4:19 am

Regarding a lot of these… I’m sorry, but at some point, you have to choose whether you want to be right, or if you want to be alive.

Yes, you have rights. Yes, these people are idiots. Some of them are criminal. They should be caught and punished first, educated later. Warnings, fines, prison terms, banished to Hades on Judgment Day. Whatever fits.

But… is it really worth dying over just to prove a point? If somebody wants you out of the way as bad (badly?) as the last comment above this, get out of their way! Get the license and do what you can after the fact. I am referring to instances where YOU have a choice.

Not only are you the better person, you are RIDING your BIKE during these moments. You WIN!

And I still say Laser Beams of Explosive Diarrhea are better. Death means it’s over for the bastards. My way they have to suffer.
Comment by gewwez | 10.23.2007 | 4:24 am

I don’t mind cycling in the rain, actually at the moment I’m rather enjoying it after 5 months without a drop.

That does not mean that anyone can splash water at me. I would have used the LBOD two years ago (I certainly remember it wasn’t last year as it almost forgot to rain here last winter) for sure on a rainy ride. I had spent an hour or so on my MTB, splashing around in the puddles and the mud. On the way home a good-for-nothing rolling along in an SUV (he certainly needed that to carry his big phat majestic ass around) thought it would be good sport to wash the mud off me. I wasn’t amused, but not having the LBOD around at the time all I could do was hurl abuse at him.
Comment by turnonthejets | 10.23.2007 | 5:07 am

Nope, I’d still have mine. I’d also hope to die with them still unused. That would mean I’d never come close enough to need them….a good thing. Also, the way I think when the shite hits the fan I’d probably forget all about them anyway. I’m classic for the useless mumble in a pinch…the great line after an encounter with a jerk…the realization there was a much better course of action after a close call.
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Comment by MarvelousMark | 10.23.2007 | 8:30 am

I suppose there’s cars, dogs, and rocks in my way that might annoy me or even injure me, but I can’t kill them all with one LBOD. I need to select something that I can eliminate for good with one shot.

So I’ve decided to use my LBOD to stop Smooth Tom from singing country music behind me when I’m leading the paceline. Normally, singing on a long bike ride wouldn’t be a problem if we were all singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat in rounds for kicks, but I’m up front huffing and puffing trying to keep the line moving at 22mph and he’s got enough wind behind me to start singing in my draft:

“Pretty little baby on the cabin floor
Little horse colt playing round the door
I loved the girl with the golden hair
And the Tennessee Stud loves the Tennessee Mare”

One would think that even in country music, you can find a better motivational song for speed and action like “Boot Scoot Boogie” or even Hank Williams Jr’s “All My Rowdy Friends”, but he chooses an old Johnny Cash song about his favorite horse like he’s riding me or something. Now I know I should be more appreciative of country music, and we do tend to take rides through farm country, but having a guy singing about farm animals, especially a Tennessee Stud is just plain weird.

Anyway, I’ve tried to shake him when he starts singing, but of course, he’s in my draft and has tons of excess energy, so that doesn’t work. The LBOD offers a perfect solution to the problem.

But Tom’s a nice guy and a good riding buddy otherwise, and his wife is a bike rider, too, so killing him maybe isn’t the best approach. I need a scope that appears in my rear view mirror at the moment he starts singing, so I can shoot that beam into the mirror and have it bounce of the mirror an onto his lips. The beam would seal his lips shut just like Smith did to Neo in the Matrix.

Of course, we’d have to cut his mouth open later on, but I think going through that experience once should do the trick for him.
Comment by Brian C | 10.23.2007 | 8:45 am

recently i was pulled over by a police officer on my bicycle for running a red light. regardless of the fact that i blatantly broke the law, i was very irritated that this officer decided to waste his time and mine by pulling me over. he used his megaphone to get my attention, took pictures of my bicycle, and gave me a ticket.

i would have gently placed the ticket on the ground and blasted it with the death cannon of doom and despair. that would have felt really nice.
Comment by sorelegs | 10.23.2007 | 10:09 am

Timk, Lt. Col. Todd Waddell, et al.
My apologies for the political post. It was a gut reaction. I read the question and I posted my reaction without thinking. You guys are right, this is not the place for hootin’ and hollerin’.
I personally love poltical discourse and dont trip out that other people have different opinions than me. I think talking to others about hot topics is a great way to learn and grow. I guess I just assumed that other people would feel the way I do (about dissent). Next time I’ll use my LBoD on closemindedness.
Aloha and happy riding.
Comment by katie | 10.23.2007 | 10:39 am

well, i’d have definitly used mine by now! i had been dating this guy for three years, and i really though we were getting serious! one night, he said he was going to take me to dinner, had to say something important. well, i thougt this was it, but it wasn’t he was dumping me! well, needless to say, i was mad. one week later, i was riding my bike down my street(which is only one street down from my ex’s) and who did i see but him! in his x-tera with his new girlfriend! well, his was so busy making out with her, he wasn’t paying attention to where he was going, and ran me off the road! i fell on the sidewalk, scraping my leg, and scuffing the pain on my bike. i would have lasered him, his girlfreind, and his stupid x-tera right there! and watched them burn in happiness. so, that’s how i would have used mine. and i don’t think there would be a better purpose!
Comment by Clydesteve | 10.23.2007 | 12:57 pm

I know the Tee-Shirt is already given away. Work interferred yesterday.

I would have used the LBOD last March 20th, at about 5pm, PDT at the intersection of oregon State Highway 34 and Seven Mile Lane, NW corner, for purely defensive reasons.

I was stopped at the busy intersection waiting to cross 4-lane Hwy 34, and a motorist was stopped alongside me, waiting to turn left (east) onto Hwy 34. He became temporarily more stupid, and pulled out in front of oncoming westbound traffic.

Then he became even more stupid, and, realizing his error, stopped to get T-boned. I was not mad at the moment, I was horrified. Two motor vehicles were careening towards me. It would have been good to be able to vaporize them. Especially the guy that hit me.

Had I been missing the presence of mind to vaporize them then, I surely would have managed to turn the handlebars of my mangled bike in from the bottom of the 18″ of water in the ditch and aimed the LBOD at the menace of an idiot who caused it all, as he stood on the bank of the ditch and verbally abused himself for being so stupid and wrecking his car.

I think it would have been cathartic at that point, I was in need of some catharsis.
Comment by Larry Buzbee | 10.24.2007 | 1:20 am

Dear Fatty, just follow the link below to know my target. Nuff said.
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2007/Apr-01-Sun-2007/news/13474207.html

PS
I have carried my own LBOD for 30 years now. While it functions nearly identically to yours, it is not nearly so restricted in usage. DIE you BASTARDS, DIE! is my motto.
Comment by Itsik | 10.28.2007 | 1:42 pm

Never. Not even drivers who threatened me on purpose. I would love to shoot the idiots who gave them a driving license.
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Comment by Ellie | 09.4.2010 | 11:46 am

Ok, so I know I’m commenting on a nearly three year old post, but this is too good not to. I’d use the LBoD on Toronto city councillor Rob Ford, who is now unfortunately running for mayor.

“I can’t support bike lanes. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks. My heart bleeds when someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day.”
-Rob Ford, Toronto City Councilor

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