«
»

 

Memo to Johan Bruyneel: How to Get into the TdF

02.21.2008 | 5:50 am

bruyneelA Note from Fatty:I’ve got a new article posted on BikeRadar.com today. You can read a snippet of it below, or click here to read the whole thing. 

TO: Johan Bruyneel
FROM: The Fat Cyclist
DATE: 22 February, 2008
SUBJECT: Strategies for Getting into the Tour de France 

Dear Mr. Bruyneel,

First, my condolences on Team Astana not getting into the Tour de France this year. I am certain that you must be reeling from the shock and disappointment so profound as to nearly equal my own.

And yet, Mr. Bruyneel, I would urge you to not give up hope. Your team can still ride in the Tour de France in 2008, Johan (I hope you don’t mind me calling you Johan).

Simply follow these strategies.

1. Change Your Name.
For 2008, Team Astana changed management, racing philosophy, and most of the team. This, evidently, wasn’t what was needed. To convince ASO that you’re really OK, you need to not be Team Astana.

As evidence of the effectiveness of this technique, allow me to call your attention to Team T-Mobile High Road, which was every bit as messed up as Astana last year, but will be racing in the Tour de France this year.

You know why, don’t you? Because this year, they’re taking the high road, that’s why.

For your team name, I’d like to recommend "Compassionate Body Spinoffs." It sounds kind (that’s the "compassionate part"), sporting (the "body" part), and cycling-related ("Spinoffs").

Also, "Compassionate Body Spinoffs" is an anagram for "ASO is staffed by nincompoops," but that can remain our little secret.

And while you’re at it, you might want to also change the color of your uniforms. And I’m not saying that just to further the cause of tricking ASO into believing you’re a different team.

I’m saying it because Astana blue (aka "light teal") is an awful color.

2. Surrender to the French.
France and ASO really, really, really want a strong French team race in the TdF. This desire is somewhat hampered by the fact that there are no strong French teams.

So, why don’t you become French? It’s surprisingly easy. Here’s how:

  • Watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail Several Times. Everyone knows this is the best way to pick up an authentic French accent.
  • Be Haughty. Despise everything. Smile enigmatically.
  • Eat: French fries, French bread, and French dressing.
  • Act like you really really care about winning on Bastille Day, as if it were the absolutely be-all and end-all of the race, instead of what it invariably is: a flat stage of no consequence.
  • Lose a lot. OK, I admit, that’s just mean of me.

    Click here to continue reading "Memo to Johan Bruyneel" over at BikeRadar.com.

    • 34 Comments

    1. Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.21.2008 | 6:10 am

      It won’t work without French Toast….you silly English Kkkkkk–nigit!!

      Also, I like the light blue–it’s not argyle!

      Please check out today’s post on Lance’s LAF blog about candidates support for cancer screening, research and treatment at: http://livestrongblog.org/2008/02/21/lances-op-ed-piece/

      Then donate in support of Susan and others at: http://bayarea08.livestrong.org/mike
      or, just click on our banner ad to the right!

      Thanks!

    2. Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 02.21.2008 | 6:41 am

      The article is great, but I had to confirm the anagram and it really is! That’s hilarious!!! How in the world did you come up with it???

    3. Comment by Cindy Stahl | 02.21.2008 | 6:44 am

      Oh, the cut-n-paste goatee a la Contador’s sideburn really made me giggle – great article, FC.
      I always look forward to reading your entries – thanks!
      Happy Thursday,
      Cindy S.
      Powell River, BC

    4. Comment by fatty | 02.21.2008 | 7:12 am

      bryan – i cheated for the anagram. http://wordsmith.org/anagram/

    5. Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.21.2008 | 7:30 am

      Oooooooooh

      I just put my name into your Wordsmith link, and my name comes out “Lance Evil Him”!!!!! No kidding!

    6. Comment by bikemike | 02.21.2008 | 7:42 am

      he should also change his name from Johan to Jean.

    7. Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 02.21.2008 | 8:13 am

      I like the snails part.

      -Bitter
      or should I say…
      A Bliss Emitter

    8. Comment by Orbea Girl | 02.21.2008 | 8:23 am

      Do you also have some further words of wisdom for Johan on how he might get Astana into Milan-San Remo, The Giro and Tirreno-Adriatico?

    9. Comment by Marrock | 02.21.2008 | 9:02 am

      Maybe he can get Shimanzumi to sponsor a team…

    10. Comment by Bob | 02.21.2008 | 9:23 am

      You know, I don’t know the first thing about road racing and I have no idea who Johan Bruyneel is, but I did just spend forty-five minutes putting different names into http://wordsmith.org/anagram/.

      I think I’m going to add Fat Cyclist to the end of month production report under the heading “Why nothing gets accomplished at work”.

    11. Comment by Mike Roadie | 02.21.2008 | 9:29 am

      If you put Fat Cyclist into Wordsmith, you get Tactics Fly and Cat Tics Fly

    12. Comment by mocougfan | 02.21.2008 | 9:34 am

      Hellarious. I just saw the picture of Johan behind Contador. Seriously funny fatty.

      PS…Can I have $100 tomorrow?

    13. Comment by Lowrydr | 02.21.2008 | 9:54 am

      Now that’s Funny!!! Is it just me or does Johan kinda look like the owner of Rock Racing in the photo?

    14. Comment by BackWoods | 02.21.2008 | 10:16 am

      “Seriously. Ever?”

      Good stuff, keep it up!

    15. Comment by Al Maviva | 02.21.2008 | 10:18 am

      Very unsubtle strategy.

      Instead, I’d suggest that the Kazahkstani government, which is headed by Antoniah Sopranovichov, appoint Kazakhstan’s most famous son, Borat Sagdiyev, as cultural ambassador to France. I’m certain that high level talks and dialogue could solve this problem. In fact, I contacted Borat just this morning, and he sent me this song discussing that he hopes will solve the problem, the way Band-Aid solved world hunger, and Sunday, Bloody Sunday solved the Northern Ireland problem, and similar to the way Peter Paul & Mary brought about world peace by singing “Where Have All the Flowers Gone.” It can’t miss:

      In my country there is problem,
      And that problem is doping,
      It is so very bad,
      Because EPO is king.

      Chorus 1
      Throw WADA down the well
      So Astana can be free
      You must stop Dick Pound,
      Then we have a big party

      Verse 2
      In my country there is problem
      And that problem is Dick Pound,
      He say nothing useful,
      But is always making sound.

      Chorus 2
      Throw WADA down the well
      So Astana can be free
      You must shut Dick Pound’s big mouth,
      Then we have a big party.

      Verse 3
      If you see the testers coming
      You must be carefull of the beaker,
      You must pull whizzinator,
      From your Adidas sneaker!

      Throw WADA down the well
      So Astana can be free
      You must fire Richard Pound,
      Then we have a big party

      Ps. I know Dick Pound is now at CAS. But you wouldn’t recognize the name of the current WADA chief, John Fahey. Plus “John Fahey” just isn’t as funny as “Dick Pound.”

    16. Comment by fatty | 02.21.2008 | 10:40 am

      mocougfan – while i can’t guarantee that i will lose a pound between today’s weigh-in and tomorrow’s, i am already in the process of taking necessary steps.

      al – is ANYTHING as funny as dick pound?

    17. Comment by Anonymous | 02.21.2008 | 11:16 am

      “For 2008, Team Astana changed management, racing philosophy…”.. lol…

      And about the stategy which consists in ride properly, without doping???

      As new website for Johan, why not http://www.wada-ama.org/en/???

      In this way, hypocrisy will be complete…

      Any words about relationships between Alberto Contador and Dr. Fuentes?

      Many french cyclists really care about winning on Bastille Day because it’s a public holiday, people didn’t work and many watch whole stage TdF on TV or in live. No more. About a nation as patriotic as the USA, comments as these are very uncalled-for. What about July, 4th in the USA?

      Sorry, but I switch to French to be clear

      Les performances offertes par Alberto Contador l’année dernière (capable d’offrir la même puissance que Rasmussen) parlent d’elle même…Contador n’est pas le seul à offrir des performances douteuse (Cadel Evans à 23 secondes, par exemple et pour ne cité que lui…).

      Plutôt que de jouer les pauvres victimes effarés, pourquoi Bruynel et Contador ne fournissent-t-ils pas les échantillons sanguins qui permettrait de disculper définitivement le coureur???

      L’exclusion d’Astana est la meilleur nouvelle a propos du cyclisme depuis 10 ans, même si l’on peut regretter que ce soit ASO, organisateur d’une course qui soit obliger de faire le ménage… Car cette décision est partiale, mais comment faire autrement lorsque l’UCI se complet dans le dopage (cf déclarations de McQuaid..)???

      Aujourd’hui, la médecine permettrait de confondre avec des taux d’erreurs presque inexistant les tricheurs. Le passeport biologique est une bonne chose, mais il ne suffit pas, et il faudrait surtout le mettre en place bien plus tot, dans les categories de jeunes. Aujourd’hui il serait impossible de confondre un tricheur si lors de la mise en place du passeport ce coureur est déjà dopé, puisque le passeport permet de comparer les resultats avec les antécédents du coureur.

      Il faudrait également que le suivi longitudinal soit mis en place par des médecins dont la spécialité est le sport de haut niveau, qui soit capables de proposer les test adaptés et d’interpréter les résultats avec fiabilité. Aujourd’hui, bon nombre de test sont incohérents…

    18. Comment by cyclostu | 02.21.2008 | 11:52 am

      Wow Fatty! So far on your blog you’ve managed to piss off a German and now a French person! Who’s next? I say you aggravate a Venezualean – no one is easier to aggravate than our good friend Hugo Chavez. Chavez would be happier if he had a luxury body… with some liberally applied Assos chamios cream for good measure.

    19. Comment by Clydesteve | 02.21.2008 | 12:20 pm

      And, in English: The performances offered by Alberto Contador last year (able to offer the same power that Rasmussen) even speak about it… Contador is not the only one to offer performances doubtful (Cadel Evans at 23 seconds, for example and for quoted only him…). Rather than to play the poor victims frightened, why Bruynel and Contador they do not provide the blood samples which would make it possible to clear the runner definitively??? The exclusion of Astana has been best the news in connection with cycling for 10 years, even if one can consider it regrettable that it is ASO, organizer of a race which is to oblige to do the housework… Because is this decision partial, but how to make differently when the complete UCI in doping (cf declarations of McQuaid..)??? Today, medicine would make it possible to confuse with almost non-existent error rates the cheaters. The biological passport is a good thing, but it is not enough, and it would have especially much earlier to be set up, in the categories of young people. Today it would be impossible to confuse a cheater if at the time of the installation of the passport this runner is already doped, since the passport makes it possible to compare the results with the antecedents of the runner. It would also be necessary that the longitudinal follow-up is set up by doctors whose speciality is the high level sport, which is able to propose the test adapted and to interpret the results with reliability. Today, considerable test are incoherent…

      I think he is being ironic when he uses the word “incoherent” in this delightful rant.

    20. Comment by graisseux | 02.21.2008 | 12:52 pm

      I’m only half French so I guess I’m only half offended.

      When I was in fifth grade we signed a petition to have a mean substitute teacher fired. We got lectured pretty harshly the next day and blamed for almost destroying that sub’s livelihood. Not only did the sub not get fired, but the sub sicked our teacher and principal on us. This proves incontrovertibly that petitions only make things worse.

    21. Comment by Al Maviva | 02.21.2008 | 12:52 pm

      Fatty – various English treats such as Spotted Dick (Suet Pudding), Toad-in-the-Hole (sausages with gravy and veggies in a big, open Yorkshire puddding), and Boiled Baby (a big flour-ey, um, desert thing) come pretty close to the unfortunately named “Dick Pound” on the humor meter. Contrary to popular belief, Boiled Baby is not made from babies, Toad in the Hole contains neither toads, nor frogs nor other amphibians; and Spotted Dick contains no… Oh, nevermind. And, of course, if you baked a fruity, suet pudding (Spotted Dick) with some nice treacle, cooked inside of of a large Yorkshire pudding, you’d have Spotted Dick in the Hole.

      Hard to believe this conversation doesn’t refer to pornography, but there it is. Thank goodness for jolly old England, a civilized land of fags, where nobody minds if I get pissed then go knock up their sister.

    22. Comment by Hugo Chavez | 02.21.2008 | 1:19 pm

      Para que sepan, ya tengo un cuerpo de lujo. Me espalmo cada mañana al levantarme y también cada noche al acostarme. El buen Doctor Lämmler me introdujo a la ropa Assos y me enseñó la manera correcta de espalmarse. Si uno desea oprimir a un país entero se necesita una comodidad de ropa que no se encuentra en ninguna otra línea. Por eso, lo he hecho saber a Castro y Ahmadinejad. Parece que lo tengo que compartir con Raúl Castro también, ya que Fidel se has jubilado.

    23. Comment by DNAtsol | 02.21.2008 | 4:05 pm

      Personally, I think Astana should not be allowed to ride in the TdF. Or TSSCp/bH30 (how’s that for an acronym??). Have you looked at their jersey’s? Straight on it looks like the riders lungs are exposed and exploding all over the peleton.

      Astana has yellow lungs – obviously from excessive garlic consumption and it’s sulphur content. Sulphur has numerous well known properties important to pro bike riders. It can help acne, aids, arthritis, arteriosclerosis and, bites, blood clots atherosclerosis, boils and cysts, breast-feeding, cancer, coughs, cold & influenza, corns, calluses, warts, high cholesterol, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, diarrhea & dysentery, earache, eczema, fatigue, food poisoning, free radicals, fungus, heart attacks, heavy metal poisoning, hemorrhoids, high blood pressure, hives, hypertension, immune-deficiency, infectious diseases, insect problems, lip, mouth, throat, liver disease, pain, radiation, respiratory diseases, steroid abuse, stress, toothache, warts, worms

      Furthermore Garlic acts as antibiotic, antifungal, antiparasitic, antiviral, antiprotozal and anti-cancer. As if the above healing properties were not sufficient, studies have shown Garlic to be effective in these areas:

      Balancing insulin need, healing ileitis (inflammation of the lower portion of the small intestine), conjunctivitis, eye infection, vaginal yeast infection, pimples and helping to eliminate poisons in pets. Garlic oil is one of the finest household remedies around. It is especially valuable for infants and young children for the treatment of earache, inner ear infection, teething, thrush (oral candida), diaper rash, athlete’s foot, genital itch, bed sores and minor burns. The oil has to be kept refrigerated and as a preservative you can use either a few drops of eucalyptus oil or vegetable glycerine. More information how to use fresh Garlic or Garlic powder for the different ailments can be obtained from the book: “The Healing power of garlic, John Heinermann, Ph.D,) – copied and pasted from http://stason.org/articles/wellbeing/health/The-Healing-Power-Of-Garlic-Allium-Sativum.html

      Second, Slipstream’s apparent exposed lungs are violently red an obvious tell of epo use. If this is not reason enough to exclude them I don’t know what would be! :)

      Frankly, I’m finding the ToC frightening to watch! At any moment I’m expecting riders to explode like Mr. Cresote.

      Lead on Mr. Chewbacca

    24. Comment by Mark | 02.21.2008 | 8:03 pm

      Or, they could just change their name to “A Satan” and not have to pay too much to re-screen all their jerseys……..Of course, they’d have to ditch that hideous turquoise and lemon combo for red. ASO should be happy about that one – the Devil man on the TdF every year is already a built-in fan!

      ha ha ha I loved the Bike Radar piece.

    25. Comment by paul | 02.21.2008 | 8:47 pm

      I think the real joke here is Levi and Contador signing with a team that was excluded from the 2006 tour due to dopers, in 2007 begged they were a clean team only to have their best riders kicked out for doping, and expect to be able to ride in the 2008 tour. How does that saying go fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you?

      They only have themselves to blame, for not seeing the writing on the wall and not having an out in their contract for just this situation. Let Levi Ride? Find Levi a new agent and a better grasp on reality. This campaign rates up there with past dopers asking for donations to fight their court cases.

    26. Comment by paul | 02.21.2008 | 8:52 pm

      Furthermor… If we use Johans and Levis rational for why Astana should be in the tour. Then all Floyd Landis needs to do Is get a new trainer and personal docter and he should be allowed to race

    27. Comment by Lifesgreat | 02.21.2008 | 10:01 pm

      Here are some anagrams for “John Fahey” combined with “Dick Pound” thanks to that spiffy site:

      Handpicked Fun Oh Joy
      Faced Hind Pooh Junky
      Financed Duh Hop Joky
      Candy Hoofed Hip Junk
      Johnnycake Dud Of Phi
      Hijacked Found Phony

      Some others were not appropriate for a family blog.

    28. Comment by Wendy | 02.21.2008 | 11:59 pm

      standing on the roof of the castle and shouting:

      Now go a way before I taunt you a second time!

      Catapulting cows your way to prove I am French and arrogant.

      Al … pass the spotted dick to Dick Pound.

    29. Comment by Eddie B | 02.22.2008 | 6:03 am

      There were so many other teams that got caught for doping last year. So why exclude just Astana? Why not High Road, Gerolsteiner, Cofidis, and Rabobank? What about the Giro? Liquigas and DiLuca will be there and he was suspended and stripped of the UCI title.

    30. Comment by axel | 02.22.2008 | 7:50 am

      johan should sign Dominique Rollin – the guy has a french sounding name (being quebecois) and he can win!

    31. Comment by db | 02.22.2008 | 8:39 am

      is ANYTHING as funny as dick pound?

      The next time you’re in Rexburg, Idaho, enjoy a picnic at Beaver Dick Park.

      http://tinyurl.com/6jh2

    32. Comment by Hugo Chavez TranslatorBot | 02.23.2008 | 7:39 am

      Automatic translation from google:
      http://translate.google.com/translate_t?langpair=es|en

      “To know, I already have a corps of luxury. I espalmo to get up every morning and every night to bed. Good Doctor Lämmler introduced me to clothing Assos and taught me the correct way to espalmarse. If one wishes to oppress an entire country requires a comfort clothing that is not found in any other line. Therefore, I have made it known to Castro and Ahmadinejad. It seems that I must also share with Raul Castro, Fidel has since retired.”

    33. Comment by Primal | 02.23.2008 | 7:39 pm

      With Astana out there is room for a different race this year. Will Cadel climb one step higher? God help us if the French do get… No, no… what am I thinking, they’ll never get a rider on the podium.

    34. Trackback by Amoxicillin. | 10.22.2008 | 2:40 pm

      Amoxicillin….

      Amoxicillin….

    Comments RSS

     

    Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.