An Open Letter to Oakley
A Note From Fatty: Yes, I really am sending this letter to Oakley today.
Dear Oakley,
First, I’d like to introduce myself, even though you have no doubt already heard of me (because I am the Award-Winning author of the Best Sports Blog in the World). I am Elden Nelson, the owner, primary contributor, and CSO (Chief Strategy Officer) of FatCyclist.com, an extremely popular and intelligent road and mountain biking blog dedicated to making lots of fart jokes.
I am also a big fan of Oakley.
Specifically, I have owned and worn the same pair of Oakley Racing Jackets — outfitted with my prescription — since 2002. Or maybe it was 2001.
Let’s just say I wore them before Hincapie did, and leave it at that.
Here I am, wearing them at the end of last year’s Leadville 100.
Until I had these Racing Jackets, Oakley, I have never kept any pair of glasses — prescription or not — for more than 18 months. But these things have stood up to everything.
Including, I should point out, at least one spectacular face plant. Here I am, half a moment before impact (click to see a larger version of the image and you’ll be able to tell that I am in fact wearing those Racing Jackets).
These have been fantastic glasses, Oakley. I get great peripheral vision from them, they’re comfortable, they’re durable, and they don’t fog.
But I’ve got a problem. They’re old, and they’re starting to show it. Take a look:
It’s not just the wear and tear, though, Oakley. It’s the whole look. It’s like I’ve had the same haircut for six years (or it would be, if I had any hair). People are starting to point fingers at me and laugh behind my back in my blog’s comments section.
I’m worried, in short, that my Racing Jackets just aren’t very cool anymore.
The Real Problem
I wouldn’t waste your time, Oakley, if this were just about me. I would either just continue to wear the glasses I have, content in my well-established nerdliness, or I would suck it up and buy a new, different pair of glasses.
But this isn’t just about me. Far from it.
Oakley, I would like to introduce you to my good friend Kenny.
Kenny is everything about biking that I wish I were. Fast. Skilled. Sponsored.
And he’s good looking, too. Every time I post a picture of Kenny on my site, my traffic goes way up.
Yep, Kenny is one handsome man.
Or, I should say, he used to be. Check out Kenny with his new glasses.
You may think this is a joke, Oakley, but it is not. These are Kenny’s actual new mountain biking glasses. I cannot decide which of the following these make him most resemble:
- A high school wood shop teacher
- A kid who’s about to have his lunch money stolen
- Someone who’s on his way to a Squash tournament
Regardless, you will have to agree with me that the impulse to wrap a piece of electrical tape around the bridge of the glasses is practically irresistible.
What I’m Asking For
Oakley, I would love to sing your praises for another five years. And all it’s going to take for you to get me — the world’s greatest sports blogger — to do this is to comp me two pair of your new LiveStrong Radar Path glasses (one pair set up for my prescription, one pair set up for Kenny’s).
Consider the good you’d be doing, Oakley. For yourself, you’d be getting fantastic exposure and publicity, which I know is otherwise a huge problem for your company.
For me, you’d be keeping me in Oakleys, and reducing my outdated nerd quotient by 18% (estimated).
And for Kenny, you’d be rescuing him a life of looking like Fred Garvin.
Thank you for your consideration,
Elden “Fatty” Nelson
www.fatcyclist.com / Winner of the 2008 Bloggies Award for Best Sports Blog in the Whole World
Comment by je | 03.25.2008 | 8:51 am
Must be nice to have absolutely no shame.
Not that there’s anything wrong with having absolutely no shame.
Comment by turnonthejets | 03.25.2008 | 8:52 am
Good luck! It’s funny at least. ;)
Comment by Danny | 03.25.2008 | 8:54 am
I want some free oakleys too
Comment by Lowrydr | 03.25.2008 | 8:54 am
Man is that some outright on your knees begging or what, Good Luck with it. And maybe they will throw in a few pair for giveaways too. Smoke or Gold tint lenses please!!! Oh and prescription ready too. If they can handle Bi-focals (I know it’s a sign of old age).
Comment by fatty | 03.25.2008 | 9:02 am
how dare you address me — the best sports blogger in the whole world — in such a manner! i demand respect!
Comment by je | 03.25.2008 | 9:11 am
nothing but love for you
Comment by FliesOnly | 03.25.2008 | 9:11 am
Where do you come up with this stuff? The comments about Kenny’s “look” had me on the floor. They were, in retrospect, exactly what I was thinking…only I couldn’t think of them…until I read your (award winning) blog. Great stuff…I hope you both get some new Oakley glasses.
Oh, and I really am sorry about the “lab” comments that set a couple people off.
Comment by Jeremiah | 03.25.2008 | 9:17 am
You current lens don’t fog you say. Out of curiosity what is the coldest you have cycled in? My current Oakley’s frost over completely when in it below 25′ F. out and forget it when in it is sub-zero.
Jeremiah
Comment by Lisa B | 03.25.2008 | 9:21 am
Oooo Kenny. More Kenny!
Now what exactly was it that you writing about?
:)
Comment by mark | 03.25.2008 | 9:24 am
You should have seen me road riding yesterday. It was raining, so I had my “clear” glasses on. Which are, in actual fact, shop glasses. OK, actually I got them from my dentist after wearing them while getting my teeth cleaned and thinking “these would be great for night riding.” They kindly hooked me up with a pair for $7.00, which I was not able to bill to my insurance.
Of course, I do have some much less dorky looking Smith sunglasses that have a pair of clear lenses. But it’s much easier to grab my $7.00 shop glasses than to change lenses.
I think Kenny would argue that when you’re as fast as he is, you can wear anything you want. To wit, see photo Rick S’s post about jerseys (http://ride29er.blogspot.com/2008/03/if-you-are-fast-you-can-wear-anything.html).
Comment by Mocougfan | 03.25.2008 | 9:25 am
Very funny post today Fatty. You have impecable timing. I bought a pair of Oakley Frogskins (http://oakley.com/pd/4883/16375)in 1988. I absolutely loved them. Still do actually. 2 years ago my wife finally convinced me to give up the “bugeyes” and get some more modern glasses. The new ones are totally cool. But I do want some to ride with now. I’m currently looking to see what kind to get. Might have to “buy” a pair of those.
Comment by specq | 03.25.2008 | 9:31 am
You had better hope they don’t have fact checkers come here looking for the fart jokes.
You had best get busy.
Comment by KT | 03.25.2008 | 9:41 am
Oh gosh, Kenny. I’m disappointed.
Are those the best looking glasses you could find?! I mean, as a member of your all-female fan club here on Fatty’s site, I have to say that we disapprove of your choice of eye-wear.
Or were you just trying to make Elden look cool? If so, then you are brilliant as well as good looking.
As a girl, I don’t officially know any fart jokes, so someone else will need to take on that project.
Hope Oakley hooks you guys up!
Comment by Mocougfan | 03.25.2008 | 9:43 am
Just a quick question…have you ever NOT gotten one of these things to pay off? Seems like you always get some (well deserved) free loot for blogging about them.
Comment by van-fan | 03.25.2008 | 9:51 am
I’d like to see you in new Oakley’s. I love mine and most of their styles except the ones you’re wearing in the photo above.
Kenny may look like the wood shop teacher but you resemble a rejected Star Wars Cantina character.
My then girlfriend bought me my first Oakley’s that cost 20% of the bike I was racing. I thought she was nuts but loved them. We’ve been married 15 years.
You’ll look good in the Radars.
Comment by KJ | 03.25.2008 | 9:57 am
I knew the bloggie award would go to your head.
Comment by Mocougfan | 03.25.2008 | 9:59 am
Last comment…You would look better if you had a Golden Earring with those Radar’s. http://youtube.com/watch?v=nIA4gcrk-50
Comment by TomE | 03.25.2008 | 10:02 am
I love the Fred Garvin mention Fatty! Quite possible one of the funniest SNL skits!!! I’m Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute -
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/fred-garvin-male-prostitute/796601796
Comment by TomE | 03.25.2008 | 10:09 am
Oh yeah…PS – It’s my Birthday today and I’m cutting out for a ride in our 65 degree sunny weather in Denver!!! Jealous yet!??!!
Comment by TIMK | 03.25.2008 | 10:11 am
The term “blegging” comes to mind. I thought it original, but others beat me to it. Maybe someone should start the “bleggies” for highest results in shameless requests – I bet you’d win that one easily.
If you are going to get some ugly Oakley’s (Ukley’s) why not get the ridiculous ones with the built in mp3 player?
Had I not see pictures of Kenny without a helmet I would assume that he was hiding either an Emo haircut under his helmet. Those look like art school glasses.
Comment by gr@sshopper | 03.25.2008 | 10:21 am
Ahh extortion, it’s a beautiful thing!
Comment by cheapie | 03.25.2008 | 10:36 am
don’t worry oakley, fatty will just end up buying one with his own money like he did with the gary fisher superfly. he doesn’t have the kind of patience required to be a truly great scam….errr…opportunistic blogger.
Comment by fatty | 03.25.2008 | 10:42 am
mocougfan – clif never sent me the shot bloks i was promised.
gr@sshopper – it’s not extortion. it’s begging, with just a skosh of bribery.
Comment by andrewc | 03.25.2008 | 10:42 am
right on kenny, keep dropping everyones butt in your shop shades and enjoy yourself. mountain bikers dont need no sissy shades.
Comment by Lowrydr | 03.25.2008 | 10:43 am
Respect, now you are just pushing it, this from a world class bloggie winner that now has a Love Button ad running at the bottom of the post. Not to mention the Doggie picture ad with the buy puppies ad in the Google bar. And your a self proclaimed cat person. We still love ya even with all the blegging.
Best to Susan, hope she is doing well after the Disney adventure.
Comment by kenny | 03.25.2008 | 10:46 am
Hey now… Women dig Fred Garmin. You just didn’t take the picture when I was doing one of my seductive posses.
Comment by dug | 03.25.2008 | 11:00 am
that’s kenny’s superhero alter ego disguise. woodshop man.
Comment by Don (http://cyclingphun.blogspot.com) | 03.25.2008 | 11:12 am
Hey Fatty, best wishes on that. I would, however, like to point out that you are requesting LiveStrong Radar Paths. I say that because for all of the bagging you so on Lance the last thing you should wear is LS Radar Path’s. It just seems wrong, man.
Comment by Marrock | 03.25.2008 | 11:13 am
You need to lose the shades, they make you look like Elton John back in the 70s.
Comment by pantaloonfan | 03.25.2008 | 11:49 am
All due respect… but I’d wear Kenny’s way before I’d wear the Oakley’s. I’m not much for the current (or once current) “style” involved in bike gear. It’s all guaranteed to look silly to all non-cyclists right out of the box, and be mocked by other cyclists within five years.
The circular firing squad is always reloading in this sport…
Comment by CoworkerAlex | 03.25.2008 | 12:00 pm
OK- I like Kenny’s glasses. I wear prescription glasses for only 2 things: night driving and night mtn-biking. For the latter I wear an old pair that I don’t mind trashing. I look like a dork, but I never see anyone who matters while biking at night. But I would love a pair like Kenny’s, if just for checking my pre-night-ride look in the mirror. Kenny: can you share make/model? Thanks!
Comment by tim | 03.25.2008 | 12:02 pm
BLEGGING is pure genius. If you get those you should start considering political office. great comments today too.
Comment by Jenni | 03.25.2008 | 12:24 pm
Is it getting hot in here?
Comment by M2 | 03.25.2008 | 12:31 pm
2:1 says he scores the new shades. At very least, new frames.
Personally, I prefer Rudy Project and have a pair of wrap-around frames with Rx lens.
Sorry, Fatty, but Oakley lost my respect when when came out with those hideous goggles during the 2000 Olympics. Remember these? http://www.viewimages.com/Search.aspx?mid=664144&epmid=2&partner=Google
Comment by tavis | 03.25.2008 | 12:49 pm
I’m sure i’m the only one, but i like kenny’s glasses a lot more than the oakleys. In fact, I like them enough to want to know what they are. Every time i see oakleys, i think of the picture I have hidden in the darkest recess of one of my drawers, of me, wearing several different florescent colors, rollerblades, and a pair of the original oakley blades, and i think, “i’m not making that mistake again.” The Oakleys will look dated in about 2 years, but nerdy never goes out of style.
Comment by Swedoz | 03.25.2008 | 12:58 pm
Long live the nerds! We’re too boring to know how to write amusing blegging letters, let alone award winning ones!
Comment by Tom | 03.25.2008 | 1:04 pm
So did you ever strike a deal with the Fisher dude on a free (more or less) Superfly?
Comment by Uphill Battle | 03.25.2008 | 1:48 pm
Fatty–You forgot to order a pair for me! I priced out Oakleys once with my prescription and it was estimated at $1100. I would love to look cool, but after the $$$ on the bike, I don’t think the old anchor would be too happy about the eye glass bill.
Good luck scoring…the least they can do is send you the frames!
For what its worth…Kenny would look hot in anything.
Comment by Clydesteve | 03.25.2008 | 1:55 pm
Speaking of shop glasses, and at the same time prescription lens, well, not prescription, but magnification lens: I have the nerrdiest thing possible.
I have a set of dark shop glasses with a built-in small lens section, so they function as bi-focals. I can read the cycle’puter again!
And they are every bit as nerdy as Elden’s Oakleys, and a bit nerdier than Kenny’s shop teacher glasses. Unless he adds the band-aid around the bridge – then it would be about a wash.
Comment by Straight (For Now) | 03.25.2008 | 2:01 pm
Just deleted what I was about to post as a comment. I can’t believe that I was about to make a pass at Kenny. Must be those totally mesmerising glasses. Or something like that.
Comment by Bluenoser | 03.25.2008 | 2:38 pm
And I thought shaving your legs let you into the clubhouse but it’s really having that little patch under your lower lip.
That goes down the road after 30 fatty.
Comment by Bluenoser | 03.25.2008 | 2:41 pm
Plus Kenny must be some kind of a mountain bike/roadie cross. No visor and the Euro cycling cap under the helmet classics look. What’s up with that?
Comment by Jill | 03.25.2008 | 3:41 pm
Yeah! More Kenny pictures!
He even makes those algebra teacher glasses look good.
Comment by Debbie T | 03.25.2008 | 3:58 pm
How do I find info on the new banners you keep putting up? You know, the 3 W’s: Who, Where, When? The Why is obvious, of course. Thanks.
Comment by hobgoblin | 03.25.2008 | 4:25 pm
Those Racing Jackets are seriously fugly, I gotta say. Sorry. If you’re successful in your blegging, tell me your secret. I requested a new BMC SLC01 a couple of months ago, and so far I’ve got bupkes.
Comment by Triflefat | 03.25.2008 | 4:35 pm
Specq is right. Fatty doesn’t do fart jokes.
Strictly in the interests of shoring up his credibility insofar as fart jokes go before the fact checkers arrive, here’s my contribution.
Q Why don’t single women fart?
A. They don’t get an asshole until they are married.
Comment by Bluenoser | 03.25.2008 | 5:04 pm
Also fatty, seeing you are the king of cool. Should kenny’s shades be under the helmet straps or over???
I never know what is right. Is there a road rule and a mountain rule?
You da man
Comment by Terry | 03.25.2008 | 5:17 pm
Your glasses are bad. Don’t wait for a freebie to make a change.
Comment by Natalie | 03.25.2008 | 6:29 pm
If you think Kenny looks funny riding his bike in those glasses you should see him sitting on the couch in the dark watching TV with them on. It’s kindof creepy even for me. – Mrs. Kenny
Comment by Lifesgreat | 03.25.2008 | 6:49 pm
Yeah, I would rather wear Kenny’s glasses than yours. Even if I had to install pocket protectors on my jersey.
Comment by KatieA | 03.25.2008 | 6:56 pm
http://katiea978.spaces.live.com/photos/cns!E15A62839FAD0247!972/
I don’t know if that link works, but you’ll see my fabulous cycling glasses. My Dad got them for me for Christmas. They were on special.
Wonder why.
Comment by Born4Lycra | 03.25.2008 | 7:00 pm
I reckon you were in with a chance until you mentioned kenny and used a photo. If however you’d suggested Natalie as the other recipient and used her pic I would predict definite success.
Comment by AlicesYellowPorsche | 03.25.2008 | 7:35 pm
I like the glasses better on you then on Hincapie. ;-)
Comment by Philly Jen | 03.25.2008 | 7:49 pm
I also love the BLEGGING, this is a special talent for which Fatty has no peer.
I’m just glad to see that Kenny is wearing a brain bucket. (Dude, is that Chris King headset, or are you just happy to see us?)
Comment by bikemike | 03.25.2008 | 10:48 pm
to clarify, wouldn’t you technically have the Best Sports Blog in the UNIVERSE.
or do they have sports in the Orion Nebula?
Comment by buckythedonkey | 03.26.2008 | 12:28 am
LOL, that’s classic.
I love Kenny’s new cycliste académique look. A Dylan Thomas tome poking out of his Camelbak would top it off nicely.
Comment by Big Boned | 03.26.2008 | 3:39 am
Oh, I get it. Months ago I mock your choice in eyewear and suggest you contact Oakley for some shades. We both lament the high cost of prescription shades and how we’ve hung onto Oakleys well past their CFED (coolness factor expiration date).
You blog about it and try to get you and KENNY new shades. Must be because I’m not a part of the Apollo Ono fan club!
Comment by DP | 03.26.2008 | 5:25 am
You should have asked for a few more pair and given them away as prizes. We love prizes (and fart jokes).
Comment by Mike | 03.26.2008 | 5:56 am
Pure comedy, Kenny needs help… I hope they pull through for you!
Comment by Bob | 03.26.2008 | 6:27 am
Speaking on a perfect record of staunch heterosexuality, but damn that Kenny is cute.
Comment by dailytri | 03.26.2008 | 6:44 am
Love. It.!! Although you should really plug in Oakley’s URL each time you mention the company name to fully optimize the post and get Oakley’s search engines roaring. Once they see the ROI of your post, they may do more than comp just the glasses.
Comment by The D | 03.26.2008 | 6:53 am
Laugh all you like at Kenny’s glasses, but I hear they came with a free slide rule.
Sweet.
Comment by Rob | 03.26.2008 | 6:56 am
Where did Kenny get his glasses? I like them.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 03.26.2008 | 7:21 am
And one pair for Mike Roadie to do the LSC San Jose in July!
http://bayarea08.livestrong.org/mike
Comment by Rocky | 03.26.2008 | 7:25 am
First, Kenny’s glasses are not the ones that you should be concerned about. Your side by side in over-under format here(ignore the Kenny’s devilish good looks), of the frames reveals clearly that yours are dorkier, by light years, than Kenny’s. The only reason you didn’t tear your face off in the infamous Gold Bar Rim face plant is because your Racing Jackets stick out from your face farther than does your nose, and they, therefore, acted as a protector to your mug, not entirely unlike the facemask of a football helmet, but uglier. They are ugly, and the fact that you have worn them proudly for all these years isn’t helping any at all. Sorry Mr. The truth is hard to ignore. Consider this an intervention.
On another note, I wonder if the bloggies have a category for cyber-panhandling? You are a shoe in.
Comment by AMR | 03.26.2008 | 7:27 am
Well crafted! I’m certain Oakley is boxing them up now.
p.s. My, my. You boys have beautiful teeth.
Comment by Jodi | 03.26.2008 | 8:00 am
One day when you’re brave enough, brother, I’m hoping to see you in the DEVO glasses we rocked when we were younger…..those rocked. These are close.
are we not men?
Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 03.26.2008 | 8:15 am
Oh dear. lol
Comment by Orbea Girl | 03.26.2008 | 10:22 am
Quite shameless, but if they only send you one pair please give them to Kenny. His need is far greater than yours.
Comment by Anonymous | 03.26.2008 | 10:26 am
very lame. not funny. very sorry i read this. sorry fat cyclist. gotta nuke you off the favorite list. good luck with stuff. and.. um.. bye
Comment by Caloi Rider | 03.26.2008 | 11:16 am
Fatty, I hope you get the glasses, and I’m not just saying that because I’m afraid of Kenny’s posses.
Comment by Robb | 03.26.2008 | 11:29 am
i knew all that pushing for votes had a purpose! ;)
good on ya Fatty.
Comment by Greg | 03.26.2008 | 12:12 pm
MY comment will be completely unfunny…
Since the frame is a single piece, it is unlikely that Oakley will be able to make that set of glasses in you prescription without using an insert of some type.
If you want the best there is, you should contact the guy who pioneered wraparound prescription technology for sport glasses many years ago. He makes custom lenses in a small lab in Denver. If some other local company, or some large company, tells you they can’t do it, or it can’t be done, or if you want cool coatings or shapes on your prescription frames, you should contact Sportsoptical in Denver at 303-455-3369. He can make the lenses for just about anything, and has for the past 15 years. We are working on a new prescription lens right now that will be fantastic for night riders, a photochromatic orange prescription lens that act like sunglasses during the day and evening, but turns to orange at night. http://www.sportsoptical.com
Comment by Di | 03.26.2008 | 1:53 pm
Kenny looks like a nice guy in his glasses – I like that. Ok, Kenny looks really, really good. I can understand why you post pictures of him on your blog. ;-)
I hope I don’t pop your balloon, but Kenny’s rather studious look is much more appealing than – as someone else put it – your Elton John look. However, your look is truly . . . unique. :-)
Comment by Flyin' Ute | 03.26.2008 | 2:57 pm
I’m interested in your bike crash. Looks like you are low on air in that front tire. Did you bust anything on your bike or yourself?
Comment by judi | 03.26.2008 | 3:50 pm
I like Kenny’s glasses!
Comment by Beth | 03.26.2008 | 4:10 pm
Elden, you are awesome — Fred Garvin, male prostitute!
@TomE, thanks for the link to the vid!!!
Kenny *is* hot, glasses or no glasses.
PS, Elden, I’m keeping your wife, you, and your family in my prayers. God bless!
Comment by Big Mike | 03.26.2008 | 4:16 pm
That was the funniest freakin’ blog posting I read in sometime. OMG! The pix were priceless-especially the one of Kenny in those BC (Birth Control) glasses. I don’t care if he can ride up the side of a building-those specs are nasty!
I sincerely hope Oakley springs for some new shades, ’cause you two are in desperate need of some fashion eyewear.
Man…I’m still laughing!
Comment by Rick S. | 03.26.2008 | 6:13 pm
I didn’t recognize Kenny. Not because of the glasses (which, by the way, are very cool) or the fact that he is actually wearing gloves but I’ve never seen him ride with a suspension fork.
Comment by Bitter (formerly known as lissee) | 03.26.2008 | 6:33 pm
Hey how’s Kenny’s hip?
Comment by stewOZ | 03.26.2008 | 7:04 pm
Ah, you could’ve asked for another pair as a GIVEAWAY to your loyal readers….!
Comment by Dobovedo | 03.26.2008 | 7:17 pm
You should edit your sig to be:
—–
Elden “Fatty†Nelson
http://www.fatcyclist.com / Winner of the 2008 Bloggies Award for Best Sports Blog in the Whole World and Grand Master at the art of shameless self-promotion.
—–
I hope they send at least one of the two pairs… Kenny’s.
Comment by crossfirejim | 03.26.2008 | 7:39 pm
Now that I am more than 60, I would appreciate a good pair of bifoakleys.
Comment by Barbara | 03.27.2008 | 5:05 pm
Ok, Kenny is HOT, but since I don’t live in Utah I am even more impressed with the scenery behind him! Do you guys know that the rest of us only get to see that when we pay lots of money and spend hours and hours on a plane to get there?
Comment by Wild Dingo | 03.27.2008 | 6:02 pm
Dude, that nose-wheelie pict is my all time favorite fat cyclist pict. Oh and I’m so glad to read Susan can put off chemo. That rocks.
Comment by Blick | 04.1.2008 | 8:40 am
Fatty,
Thanks for reaching out…Yes, we would love to help you out (for all you others reading dont get any “Bright ideas”…Fatty “Man’ed up first”.
I have to ask… why pick on poor ol’ Kenny? Just because he chooses to wear birth control on his face it doesnt mean you have to throw him under the bus.
Note to Kenny: You need to make Fatty pay for that one on the next Epic….MAKE HIM HURT!!
Keep it fun!
-Blick
Oakley
Pingback by Do The Right Thing » World’s Shortest Cycle Lane: A Clear Winner » Sweat365 » Fitness Community | 04.2.2008 | 7:33 am
[...] left (for once) speechless. Except that in the spirit of blegging . . . I’d like to say that the book published by the Warrington Cycle Campaign, “Crap [...]