08.7.2008 | 10:30 pm
Before I begin, there’s something I want to make clear, so you don’t think I am afraid of climbing a few stairs: My office is on the fourth floor of an office building, and I always take the stairs. Several times per day. Without really getting winded.
But the stairs at the Delaware Hotel in Leadville, Colorado, completely clean my clock. And not just my clock. Everyone’s clock. Kenny’s clock, for example, just got cleaned when he climbed the stairs.
There are two reasons.
1. The altitude. We’re at 10,200 feet here. That takes some getting used to. I’m not certain why climbing a couple sets of stairs leaves us panting where several miles on a mountain bike at the same altitude doesn’t, though. Maybe it’s the suddenness. Yeah, let’s go with that.
2. The stairs themselves. Really, the stairs speak for themselves:
Stairs to the second floor:
These stairs make me wish I were a better photographer, because then I could more accurately depict how incredibly steep they are. Believe me: they’re ridiculously steep. Vertigo-inducing, even. Could someone who’s climbed these stairs give me an "amen" on this?
And now, the stairs to the third floor:
Really, these shouldn’t be called stairs at all. They’re more appropriately called "The Demon Spawn of the Union Between Stairs and the Ladder From Hell."
I’m always really happy when I get a room on the second floor. This year, naturally, I got a room on the third.
Comments (35)
08.7.2008 | 1:31 am
We’re headed out to Leadville now. Kenny’s wearing his belt with 8 buckles showing his sub-9-hour finishes.
Not available on stores, sadly.
PS: i’ll be posting using the iPhone during the Leadville trip. So expect shortish posts with embarrassing pictures of my friends. And some bad spelling.
Comments (20)
08.6.2008 | 12:12 pm
Tomorrow I’m headed to Leadville. It’s a simple sentence, but one that makes me go a little bit light-headed.
Why?
Because the Leadville Trail 100 — the race and the days leading up to the race — is my favorite weekend of the year.
Consider how many friends of mine will be there: Kenny, Brad, Bob, Gary, Rick Sunderlage (not his real name), Racer, Bry, Mark, Serena, Lisa, Rich, Jilene, Mike, Dean, Dave, Sam, Nick, and Bill.
And there’s the race directors: Ken and Merilee. After all the help they gave Susan and me last year, they’re friends. The staff of the Delaware Inn are friends of mine. And there are more. Lots more.
Seriously, the Leadville 100 is like a big family reunion for me. Except I know more people at Leadville than I do at family reunions, and I don’t have to try to understand when someone explains that they’re my grandfather’s brother’s half-niece.
At Leadville, on the other hand, the relationships are simple. We’re all friends and riders.
Anyway, every year I like to obsess a little bit about how I’m going to race this high-altitude (12,600 feet at its highest point) 100-mile mountain bike race, and this year is no different.
Well, actually, it’s quite a bit different. For example, I haven’t trained.
But I still like to obsess about it.
So here’s my plan.
What I’m Riding
With my separated shoulder, I have no business trying to — for the first time — ride the Leadville 100 on a single speed.
But I’m going to anyway.
My reasoning is simple: I want to. Also, because I love my WaltWorks bike. It’s a beautiful, lively, simple, and comfortable steel mountain bike.
Shimano XTR cranks (175mm, cuz my toes keep rubbing the front tire when I use 180mm cranks), Magura Marta brakes, Selle SLR saddle, big fat Geax Saguaro tires set to 20psi, and a pink Chris King headset to remind me of who’s tough.
As a concession to my shoulder, I have replaced the carbon fork with a Rockshox Reba suspension fork, set to 60mm of travel.
And a special mention goes out to the On-One Mary bar, which has been a life-changing component. It is incredible: my hands no longer go to sleep, even on long rides. I’m putting this bar on every mountain bike I ever own, for the rest of my life. Respect to Brant and crew.
Feel free to take a moment to leave a mention in the comment section how sexy my bike is.
My Objectives: Plan A, B, and C
Each year, I bring a time goal for the race — an objective I can achieve, provided I really give it everything I’ve got.
This year, though, my primary objective isn’t to finish fast. My primary objective is to finish at all. My secondary objective is to finish fun. Here are the possible fun finish scenarios:
- Scenario A: If it looks like I can finish under 11 hours, I will do what I can to do so. Which is to say, I’m prepared to put my head down and suffer if I make it to the turnaround spot in 5:20. Finishing under 11 hours on a single speed would be worth the agony.
- Scenario B: If it looks like I’ll be finishing in right around 11 hours, I’m going to do everything humanly possible to finish in 11:11.11. I will have a stopwatch with me, so it’s actually possible to do this.
- Scenario C: If it looks like I can’t finish in 11:11.11, I’m going to make an effort to be the final person to cross the finish line in under 12 hours. 11:59.30 sounds good to me. I’ll leave 30 seconds on the table. You know, as a buffer.
What I Will Eat
On the trail, I will eat Jelly Belly Extreme Sport Beans, caffeinated watermelon flavor, since the Jelly Belly folks were so kind as to send me a box of them. And because they are super-delicious.
It just occurred to me, by the way, that someone should find a way to add caffeine to real watermelon. I would pay extra for caffeinated watermelon.
I will drink CarboRocket, because it’s the only sports drink in the world that I can consume for 11 hours straight without getting barfy. Brad’s a genius.
And when I finish, I will hustle over to the ice cream store around the corner and buy a big dish of ice cream. Nothing in the world is as delicious, post-race, as ice cream.
Afterward
After the race, I’m going to go take a shower. And then I think I’ll eat some more ice cream. And then a burrito. And then a cube of cheese. And then a hamburger. And then I shall take a nap. And then I will eat again.
See why I love this race?
PS: Free Shipping on Mary Bars! The On-One folks noticed my love of the Mary bar and are celebrating with worldwide free shipping of this bar for a limited time. Pretty darned cool, if you ask me. More details here.
Comments (79)
08.5.2008 | 2:41 pm
No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not reviewing Dave Zabriskie’s testicles. That’s not ’til next week! Instead, I’m reviewing (and I believe I may in fact be the first person to do so) Dave Zabriskie’s new chamois cream: DZNuts.
Why Review DZNuts?
I expect that pro cyclists think about many different things than you or I. They probably lay awake at night wondering how they can make their shoes lighter, thereby decreasing rotating weight. They probably spend agonizing hours wondering how they can possibly average 0.01 mph faster in tomorrow’s race than they did last week.
And, evidently, Dave Zabriskie wondered how he could reduce his discomfort and the number of saddle sores he collected.
I suppose, then, that I should be upfront about this review: I normally don’t use any chamois cream at all. Ever. Not when I do a training ride, not when I do a big epic mountain bike ride, not even when I did the Kokopelli Trail.
Why not? Because I don’t find it helpful or necessary. Which is to say, I don’t get saddle sores, and I find the texture of chamois cream icky at best, and searingly painful at worst.
And yet, here I am, reviewing DZNuts. Why?
Well, it’s because I couldn’t help myself. The cool-looking black tube, combined with the not-quite-lockerroom humor (If, when breaking the seal on DZNuts, you listen closely, you can almost hear the snorts and giggles of Dave and his crew as they wrote the text that goes on the tube and the website, referring to your “junk,” “goods,” “taint,” and — when they’re feeling demure — “perineal skin.” And, of course, the product is in fact named “DZNuts.”) made me do it.
On the Outside
As mentioned, since I didn’t really care about the product itself, I’m going to spend most of my review talking about the package (ha).
Let’s begin with the box.
I admit to some discomfort at the notion of buying any kind of cream at all from a man with a porn star mustache who has elected to name said product after his own testicles.
Perhaps this means I am a prude. I can live with that.
What I love, however, is the way Dave hits us over the head with the taint gag:
“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”
It’s a good thing he bolded “taint,” made it all caps, and put it in red, or I might’ve missed it.
More informative, however, is the list of key ingredients, which can be found on the product website, as well as on the box itself.
These key ingredients are:
- Tea Tree Oil: This is included as an anti-bacterial and anti-fungal. What’s not mentioned — but is extremely important, at least to me — is whether they filtered that tea tree ten million times, so as to be certain no traces of bark are left.
- Evodia: This is an anti-inflammatory from Chinese medicine. I’m also sure it’s one of the lesser-known Elven warriors from Lord of the Rings.
- Masterwort: Dave says this is an herb used for its “wound healing and calming properties.” I’m going to call BS on this one. The one thing my taint — which is already probably asleep after a nice long ride — doesn’t need is something with calming properties. I need something with wake-up properties. So why is masterwort in DZNuts? My theory is that Dave just thought the name was cool-sounding in a medieval way. For the next batch, I recommend they also say they’re including Hair of Toad, Eye of Tiger, and Oil of Snake.
My very favorite thing on either the box or the tube — which is good, because it’s on both the box and the tube, leading me to think they ran out of ideas for what to put on this box and tube — is the instructions.
- Drop your shorts to your ankles, or remove completely from body. Does anyone else’s “Fight or Flight” reflex kick in when a man with a pornstar mustache and a tube of lubricant instruct you to drop your shorts to your ankles (or, worse, remove them altogether)? Because I’m panicking here.
- Apply a liberal amount directly to your perineal area. At — after shipping — $7.00 per ounce, I’ll bet they want me to use a liberal amount. Also, I really don’t see how it would even be possible to use this tube to apply directly to my taint unless I were to adopt a position which I absolutely positively never ever ever would want to be discovered in. I love the image in this step, though. It looks like I’m supposed to squirt the cream onto my hand and then wave my hand around in the air in a stirring motion.
- Be a champion and enjoy your long, satisfying, comfortable ride. Let’s face it: they put this step in here because they didn’t want to have just two steps. That’s fine, but I would recommend that they just put the word “Profit!” here instead.
Trying It Out
You can tell I’m stalling, can’t you? After the trauma of trying Assos Chamois Creme years ago, I have been terrified of ever spalming again.
And yet, I fear that without applying some of DZNuts to my “junk,” this review would have been somehow incomplete.
OK. Let’s do this.
Hey, look. There’s spalm in my palm. Roughly $2.75 worth, I believe.
Now, I’m going to (mercifully) spare you the photos of the moment of application. Because this is a family blog. Also, because I don’t want to gross anyone out.
I was worried that I would look like this:
Or possibly even this:
But the truth is, it was more like this:
Which is to say, DZNuts has a little kick, but is not at all painful. That is, you do not get the Ben-Gay-in-Jockey-Shorts effect.
Which is a good thing.
Final Words
As someone who for some reason doesn’t seem to suffer from saddle sores (maybe I use so much Tabasco sauce that my sweat is toxic to bacteria and fungi) or saddle soreness, it’s hard for me to tell whether this is the real deal. I expect it well could be — I’ll pass the tube around at the Leadville 100 this Saturday and gather impressions afterword.
And, by all means, if any of you out there have experience in the matter, please leave a note in the comments section. I’m sure everyone is interested in your impression of Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts.
Comments (100)
08.4.2008 | 11:45 am
Dear Rock & Republic, Rock Racing, and Michael Ball,
I’m so excited right now, I can hardly type straight? Why? I’ll tell you why. Because I just got the following email!
Before I go any further, I want to take a moment for thanking you for your consideration in not spamming me. I know that since Rock Racing does a new jersey every time they have a long training ride, you could easily be sending me notifications like this two or three times per week. By saving up your email blasts so that you only send out an announcement when you have a dozen or so new jerseys to sell, I’m assured that I won’t be getting more than two or three of these messages per month.
Anyway, I was so excited that you have some new jerseys I can buy from you that I zipped right on over to your website, where I beheld this awesome set of jerseys, among others:
When I looked at these, Rock Racing, I admit that I briefly panicked. Since I only have a budget of $500 for bike jerseys this month, which two of these fabulous jerseys should I choose? The black one with the winged skull? Or the black one with the winged skull and red collar and cuffs? Or should I go with the black one with the winged skull, the crown of thorns, and the "Cadillac" logo in blood red?
So many choices!
I have to be honest with you, Rock Racing. while I’m really excited about every one of the jerseys you have on your site and intend to buy one of every single one of them (and have taken out a third mortgage on my house to facilitate this intention), I find myself looking askance at some of your less expensive jerseys.
For example, while I am unquestionably drawn to the "O.G. Jersey in White," I’m a little bit put off by the $180.00 price tag. What about it makes it worth $40.00 less than the "Crucifixion Jersey in Black?" Is it because the black ink is a lot more expensive? Or maybe it’s because Labor Day (U.S.) is coming up really soon and you want to get rid of all your white jerseys before then, so you’re selling them at blow-em-out prices?
If that’s the case, good call.
If, however, the "O.G. Jersey in White" is less expensive because it’s somehow different — like maybe the skull isn’t quite Satanic-looking enough, or riders who wear it don’t look as pouty and spoiled as they ought, could you let me know?
Or, failing all that, would you mind if I just go ahead and pay you $240 for that jersey, so I’ll feel like I’m getting a really — not just nearly — exclusive jersey? Thanks in advance.
Of course, Rock Racing, I like to be an informed consumer. So, even though I would gladly pay top dollar for these jerseys even if they were made of cheesecloth, I like to know my facts. So, as I went to the details page of one of your most expensive jerseys (but not by any means your very most expensive), I was elated to find you did not disappoint:
Frankly, I’m still suffering from information overload, guys, but let me see if I’ve got this straight:
It’s a polyester jersey with three pockets in the back. And a zipper in the front.
My head’s still reeling from all this, but I still want to know a few things. First of all, how can you guys possibly afford to sell such incredibly distinctive jerseys at this deeply discounted price? This is America, guys; nobody’s going to fault you for trying to make a profit.
Next, why’d you go with three pockets, when you could have gotten away with two, or even one, like most jersey manufacturers? Your constant innovation shows that you’re not just making jerseys to make a quick buck; you’re thinking deeply about what cyclists need. And if that means the rest of the cycling apparel industry has to play catch-up for the next several years, well, so be it.
I can see you went with 100% polyester for the jerseys. Unless, as according to your Sizing and Technical Info page, they’re actually 75% polyester. Either way, I think you went with exactly the right amount of polyester.
And to top it all off: an elastic grip at the bottom? A mandarin collar? Raglan sleeves?
You guys are going to blow this industry wide open. You should maybe change your pricing structure. $180 – $220 for polyester jerseys with zippers in the front and pockets in the back is just not enough.
And that actually leads me to a couple of small — oh, ever so small — grievances I have with you, Rock Racing. The first one is this:
Do you really mean to tell me that in addition to having pockets and zippers in your $210 polyester jerseys that you’re going to foot the bill for shipping (ground only) yourself?
C’mon, guys. Give yourselves some credit. We know you care more about your customers than yourselves, but I feel like I’m stealing food right out of your children’s mouths.
Seriously, I demand that you let me pay shipping for my $220 jersey. $84.00 sounds about right.
But then you guys take it one step further. You go and give me a free poster if I spend more than $250 (e.g., if I buy nothing more than the $220 Crucifixion jersey and the matching $45 Crucifixion gloves).
Of course, you stipulate that the posters are only free as long as supplies last. And if I don’t miss my guess, those posters are long gone by now, because people are going to climb over the tops of each other getting their $250+ orders in so they can get that free poster.
I, for example, made 18 separate $250+ orders as soon as I became aware of this offer. Free shipping on all of them! 18 free posters! And I only spent $4680, for which I got 14 jerseys, two pair of gloves, ten t-shirts, and 4 pair of bib shorts!
But now, after the fact, I admit that I feel guilty. I took advantage of your kindness, greedily hogging those posters for myself.
I am such a heel.
Please, Rock Racing guys, let me pay for those 18 posters. I’ll bet that you innovatively printed them on glossy paper, lovingly roll them up, and insert them into a premium cardboard shipping tube. For this kind of distinctive, elegant product and service, I expect to pay a fair price.
$96 per poster sounds about right to me.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
Comments (93)
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