A Preview of My Contribution to the Interbike Web 2.0 & Social Media Panel
A Note from Fatty: My sister Jodi (formerly known as the Errorista) has an awesome new blog: Pistols and Popcorn. I recommend it, naturally. Anyway, a couple days ago, Jodi announced she’s forming a Stand Up 2 Cancer team. She’s trying to raise $1000 by this Friday. Please head on over to her Team page and help. Thanks!
In just a few short weeks, I’ll be going to Interbike, for the first time ever.
To prepare, I am getting my best suits cleaned and pressed and have caught up with all the latest tie-tying fashions, so that I may be prepared for any impromptu, semiformal events. to which I may be invited.
Even more importantly, however, I have had my tuxedo (baby blue, indigo velvet trim and cummerbund) let out so that I may be appropriately dressed for my participation in the Interbike Web 2.0 & Social Media Panel.
Yes, that’s right. I will be participating in a panel, and I will be sharing the kind of wisdom that can only be gleaned from a blogger who has built his reputation on fake news and opined on the sublime nature of avocados, clementines, and farts (but not the combination of the three).
Seriously, I really will be part of a panel. And I’m supposed to be able to talk about “What You Need to Know About Web 2.0.” Which means, I guess, that I’d better hurry up and learn what “Web 2.0″ means.
And also, I need to learn whether, in 3+ years of writing this blog, I have learned anything worth sharing.
But first, a shameless appeal. If you’re going to be at Interbike, email me. Let’s meet. And then I’ll give you a Fat Cyclist t-shirt, provided you promise to wear it at the panel I’m speaking at, and cheer wildly whenever I say anything. Especially if it makes a little sense.
Stuff I’ve Learned
Here’s the thing, though. I think I actually have learned a few things while blogging for 3+ years (and am currently violating one of the main things I’ve learned: don’t blog about blogging).
- It helps to have a really specific audience in mind. When I write, I’m generally trying to entertain Bob, Dug, Brad, Rick, and Kenny. I write most of my entries as if it were email to my friends. And then I imagine them writing back, usually with a response like, “This is stupid. Please stop emailing me so often.” And then I’m glad I have a blog, because you’re all much nicer than my friends.
- Cherish your readers: If you’re lucky, some smart and interesting people will find your blog and will start contributing, either with comments or email feedback or whatever. Treat these people like gold. By which I mean: keep them hidden in a vault, and then sell them when market conditions are favorable. Also, maybe try melting and making little figurines out of them.
- Plumbing doesn’t matter. The water running through the plumbing matters. People ask me about what I’ve done to increase my Google juice, to increase my bounce rate, and to otherwise increase my web visibility. My answer is: nothing. Ever. I have a hard time believing that anyone is going to permanently increase their site’s readership through search engine optimization. Eventually, people who share your interests will find and bookmark you, because there are 7,000,240,812 (plus or minus 3) people using the Internet at any given moment. A certain percentage will find you compelling. A larger percentage will find you compelling if you give them free stuff. (Note: In spite of everything I’ve said on this topic, I still get a lot of satisfaction in what happens if you do a straight-up Google search on Rock Racing.)
- Write often. But not too often. Write every weekday. Take the weekends off, and Fridays if you don’t have something extra-compelling to say. Save your best stuff for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Don’t write multiple posts per day, because your readers will begin to suspect that you don’t have a real life, and they’re probably right.
- If you run out of interesting things to say, ask a question instead. I can’t believe how many times I’ve used this gimmick, nor how well it works. Click here for an example.
- Even if you haven’t run out of interesting things to say, ask questions. It turns out that people like to participate in conversations even more than they like to be lectured to. I know, that’s a weird and new theory, but try it out sometime, both on your website and in real life. Ask what other people think. And then read their responses. Hey, look! You’re no longer speaking, but talking instead!
- Don’t talk about stuff you shouldn’t talk about. If your site isn’t specifically about religion or politics, don’t talk about either. Because — especially if your site is about something (like, for example, bikes) that can be interesting to a wide variety of people, there’s a good chance that folks who had gotten along really well for years and years will start duking it out. Case in point: For the past 3-and-change years, I have not related one particular bike-related story, because it’s impossible to tell without going into religion. So I never tell it. Even though it’s the cause of a really interesting scar I’ve got.
- Use lots of paragraph breaks. I really believe the main reason my blog has more readers than some others is that I have a lot of paragraph breaks. I’m very generous with paragraph breaks, especially considering that I don’t really even know what the rules for paragraph breaks are. I think they have something to do with separating complete thoughts, but I thought that’s what periods are for, too. I do know, however, that if you’ve got more than three sentences without a paragraph break, your paragraph becomes horrifically unwieldy.
- Walls are really good at keeping people out. In real life, I don’t demand ID before I let people talk to me. So, in my blog, I don’t make people register to comment, and I don’t make people try to interpret obfuscated characters. To date, Akismet has caught nearly 700,000 spam comments in my blog, but it’s rare that a human sees one of them.
- People like free stuff. If you want to cheat your way to a large audience, have a contest. If you want to cheat your way to a perpetually large audience, have a lot of contests.
- If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say anything. It’s better to not post than to post that you have nothing to post.
- You’ll get better. At first, it’s hard to write something every day. But it gets easier with practice, just like everything else.
- Don’t be mean. Unless you’re Bike Snob NYC. Then be as mean as you want. But not to me.
Oh, and one more thing. Be sure to include pictures of cats with badly spelled captions. Those things are hilarious.
Actual Objectives
Of course, that’s all stuff you already knew. I just put that in there for filler. The real reason I’m going to participate in this panel is to schmooze. I have certain questions and comments for the other panel participants.
Tim Jackson, Brand Manager: Masi Bicycles
Me: Hey, so how’s it going?
Tim: Fine.
Me: So, can you comp me a Soulville?
Tim: You are the ten millionth person who has asked me that question.
Andy Pemberton, Publisher: VeloNews
Me: Hi, I’m Elden “Fatty” Nelson.
Andy: Why does that name sound familiar?
Me: No reason, I’m sure.
Andy: Hey, waitasec. You’re the jerk that’s always trashing our ads! (Assos, Cannondale, Lew)
Me: Um, it’s all in good fun, though, right? No hard urgghghlelghr (sound of Fatty being punched in the throat).
Rick Vosper, Rick Vosper Marketing Services
Me: Man, you’re one lucky guy.
Rick: How so?
Me: Well, it’s not everyone who gets hired to work at a company that has the same name as that person himself!
Rick: (Says nothing, walks away while shaking head.)
Jonathan Tessler, Editor-in-Chief: Bicycle.net
Me: So, does it burn you up that “bicycle.com” was already taken?
Jonathan: (Punches Fatty in throat.)
I predict I’m going to be extra extra popular at Interbike.
Comment by Lerjoy | 09.2.2008 | 11:04 pm
Yeah, funny you are number three on a Rock search. Have you ever read their “About” page. Hilarious! Don’t do it with liquid in your mouth or you’ll make a mess on your computer screen.
Cheers. And WIN Susan
Comment by Lerjoy | 09.2.2008 | 11:05 pm
http://www.rockracing.com/about/index.php
Comment by Lerjoy | 09.2.2008 | 11:09 pm
Thought I might as well take the bronze as well.
Comment by KanyonKris | 09.2.2008 | 11:28 pm
Hilarious – I laughed out loud several times.
I see we’ll be able to gauge your success at Interbike by the bruises (from punches).
Very sage advice about short paragraphs. The internet is ADD wonderland. I’ve tried to keep things focused with many short, and it seems to help – I credit your example.
Comment by TP | 09.3.2008 | 12:23 am
Originally “web 2.0″ meant something called “semantic web.” It was the brainchild of Tim Berners Lee, the dude who invented web 1.0. This over 10 years ago. Nowadays that stuff is only interesting to scientists and professor types and Microsoft.
About 5 years ago “web 2.0″ was chanbged to mean user created content. Blogs and that kind of stuff. You are probably familiar with that. The important thing is that this is old news and it is no longer correct!
Right now “web 2.0″ means the technology that is used for building cool and flashy websites. AJAX (not the stuff one uses for cleaning the bathroom) and Flex are the “street credible” buzzwords. If you don’t know what they mean, don’t worry because neither do the other people in the panel. Easy bluffing.
Interesting piece of information: when the meaning of “web 2.0″ was changed the second time the original “web 2.0″ people decided that the original “web 2.0″ will be the next “web 3.0″. It’s that far away from being anything useful.
“Web 2.0″ is a marketing term. Everyone uses it to sell whatever they have to sell.
Comment by John | 09.3.2008 | 1:26 am
Be sure to say hi to Michael Ball!
Comment by Shiny Flu | 09.3.2008 | 2:32 am
Just bring an old helmet with you when you meet Tim…
He’ll give you a soulville then. surely.
Comment by buckythedonkey | 09.3.2008 | 3:16 am
Additional item: Don’t let on that there’s an interesting-yet-untold story lurking about.
Exhibit A: the “interesting scar” story. Tell all!
Good news! Rock Racing will be competing in the Tour of Britain which starts on Sunday! I am beside myself with excitement.
Apparently they’re bringing “a strong squad and their unique brand of glamour”. I wonder if that would be the Anna Kournikova brand of glamour? Oh, and the word is that we get Rock Racing because we could get neither Saunier Duval nor Guns ‘n’ Roses.
WIN SUSAN!
Comment by Paul | 09.3.2008 | 4:03 am
HAHA oh Fatty, you’re hilarious. I think that has something to do with your readership, too =)
Comment by Grant | 09.3.2008 | 4:29 am
What if we promise to not respond like a bunch of tools, and accept that your annecdote about a really interesting scar contains content that may normally provoke a response? Would you share your story then?
Pingback by A Preview of My Contribution to the Interbike Web 2.0 & Social Media Panel | Randomblog blog | 09.3.2008 | 4:34 am
[...] A Preview of My Contribution to the Interbike Web 2.0 & Social Media Panel Posted by admin on September 03, 2008 random In just a few short weeks, I’ll be going to Interbike, for the first time ever. [...]
Comment by Lins - Aust | 09.3.2008 | 4:34 am
Do you have your personal postcard ready to hand out to various vendors at Interbike? For an example look at the card that is between the dog’s paws. http://daniellemusto.blogspot.com/
You could use that photo of yourself doing an endo as it would definitely stand out from the rest of the sponsorship/goodies seeking crowd.
Have fun and hi to Susan.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.3.2008 | 4:43 am
Bob, weave, duck, jab, jab—your survival lesson for Interbike.
I guess this means you’ll be coming home with a whole new wish list of goodies!!!
Enjoy!
WIN
Unite
LiveSTRONG
Comment by Knowing Sib | 09.3.2008 | 4:59 am
The tuxedo is real.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 09.3.2008 | 5:23 am
Take photos. Especially before and after pairs from each of your interview scuffles.
Comment by Timrey | 09.3.2008 | 5:44 am
Fantastic stuff, with advice every bit as good as that offered in Stephen King’s “On Writing” Your stuff just keeps getting better.
Also being original helps (looking at you Bike Snob Chicago).
I think Interbike might also be a great time to promote your upcoming book. Talking about giving away free stuff; I look forward to winning a signed copy. Which will encourage me to buy a copy for all of my cycling pals.
I hope you are still entertaining the idea of a book. It could be one of those fancy comic books, featuring stars from your comments. I imagine Al Maviva looking like Dr. Octopus, only with bicycle parts. Seems like I remember you having an artist around your house who could contribute.
Are my paragraphs small enough?
Comment by Emily | 09.3.2008 | 5:54 am
I know what you can say to Andy Pemberton. Bring up, as an interesting aside, that both people racing Leadville this year in a VeloNews kit endoed at the exact same spot on the way into Twin Lakes, in almost identical crashes, even though they were about 30 minutes apart in doing so.
Craziest thing I’ve ever seen, and as far as I am concerned a really good argument for not wearing a VeloNews kit.
Yeah, you could ask him about that!
Comment by Jeff | 09.3.2008 | 6:04 am
Okay, now I really want to know about your religious bike scar…
Pingback by Bike to Work, day 83 « The Unbridled Joy of Cycling | 09.3.2008 | 6:06 am
[...] get to sleep last night, I couldn’t pull myself together to get ready on time (I blame Fatty), I didn’t have [...]
Comment by Stew Pidbeatch | 09.3.2008 | 6:25 am
Web 2.0 is having shiny, reflective images on your site. You have that. Now you know what Web 2.0 is.
OH, that and a rich user experience enhanced by both content sources and technology. But that’s not as important as shiny images.
Comment by Woody | 09.3.2008 | 6:35 am
You can’t tease us like that. We really, really NEED to hear the religous scar story.
Arn’t most scar-producing wrecks religious? As in, “Dear God, Save meeee!!!” as I fly over the handlebars.
Comment by MikeonhisBike | 09.3.2008 | 6:36 am
I don’t think anyone will be throwing punches if you are wearing your baby blue, indigo velvet trim tuxedo with matching cummerbund. They will be trying to keep their distance.
Comment by Paul | 09.3.2008 | 6:41 am
I come to read this site every day because I don’t have a life.
Religious Scar? Some mountain bike rite-of-passage ritual?
Comment by Ronster | 09.3.2008 | 6:52 am
Yeah…. GOTTA hear the religious scar story. You can NOT (think John McEnroe here) be SERIOUS !!! (about not telling us, that is)
Comment by Paula Kirsch | 09.3.2008 | 7:18 am
OK here’s a shameless blurb for my new blog (TBV my OLD blog has just about run it’s life course we think) I always put cat pictures up , “cause it’s a cat blog, well it’s about my two new cats. Thanks Fatty for inadvertently giving me the opportunity to plug “The Semi-Daily Maine”.
str
Comment by Tim Jackson- The Masiguy | 09.3.2008 | 7:28 am
Don’t go getting any ideas about that SoulVille mister! You can still bring me an old helmet, as suggested by Shiny Flu… but you’re the 11 millionth person to ask me that.
They’ve got somebody sitting between us on this panel… right? I’m bringing my “personal space stick” just in case.
Besides, aren’t we on to Web 3.o now?
Comment by Bander | 09.3.2008 | 7:49 am
Great post fatty, I got some good laughs there. I first read your shameless appeal as “cheer wildly whenever I say anything. Especially if it makes little sense.” which actually seems more fitting for your blog.
Oh, and on the Google searching, I still chuckle to think that anytime Michael Lammler googles his name the first hits will be about spalming balls.
Comment by Island Girl | 09.3.2008 | 7:52 am
Hey Fatty,
I don’t know if you read the blog of an IronWoman named Selene Yaeger (featured in Bicycling Magazine as Fit Chick). She definitely reads your blog though, and when I read her race report from her first Ironman competition in Louisville over the weekend, her mantra on the run brought tears to my eyes, as so many of your posts do. Not that you need more proof that you and Susan inspire so many of us but I wanted to send you the link in case you hadn’t seen it.
http://fitchick.bicycling.com/
Win Susan!
Comment by Leslie | 09.3.2008 | 7:57 am
Count me in as begging for the religious bike scar story too (even if you have to make one up).
Comment by UltraRob | 09.3.2008 | 8:09 am
I’ve also never been to Interbike. I think about going nearly every year but still haven’t. I’d rather ride my bike than look at really expensive ones I can’t have.
I also don’t know what web 2.0 is. I think TP pretty well nailed it. It’s only a marketing term and doesn’t really exist. If it’s user generated content, why don’t forums that have been around nearly as long as the web count?
Comment by fatty | 09.3.2008 | 8:17 am
island girl – i do read selene’s blog, and saw her post on her ironman. it was really touching.
Comment by Canadian Roadie | 09.3.2008 | 8:32 am
Man, I’m so choked. I’ll be in Vegas the WEEK before Interbike on a work trip. I thought that was bad enough. But now you’re telling me I’m not gonna get a free t-shirt because I’ll be there the week before?! Man!! Just kidding, but I am upset that I’ll miss all the events and the chance at gushing to you about how many comments I get when I wear my pink jersey. Have fun!
Comment by Charlie | 09.3.2008 | 8:42 am
So, what does “blog” mean, any way?
Comment by andrewc | 09.3.2008 | 9:14 am
i want to hear the scar story!
Comment by Matthew | 09.3.2008 | 9:16 am
So, I too wanna hear the so far untold biking story. And also, I want pics of you in the tux at the panel… I mean, YOU said you were gonna wear it.
Comment by Flyin' Ute | 09.3.2008 | 9:23 am
Fatty,
I like the real life approach to your biking and writings about it. In the same way you don’t hide your identity or keep us in the dark about Susan’s health conditions, you should not hide your biking scar story from us because it has a religious aspect to it.
Yes, it’s true that you should “not cast your pearls before swine”. No one wants a personal religious experience mocked.
My senses lead me to believe that the readers of this blog would love to hear about it and take the religious aspect in stride. Even commenters like Lucky Cyclist. Isn’t that right Lucky?
If your stated “audience” is Bob, Dug, Brad, Rick and Kenny then you for sure need to tell it because they could REALLY use a little religion!!! (just kidding fellas…just trying to be funny and get this story out of fatty)
Comment by robert | 09.3.2008 | 9:36 am
Hey Fatty,
Saw a fatcyclist jersey at the Dakota 5o on Sunday. Are you taking over the world?
-robert
Comment by fatty | 09.3.2008 | 9:43 am
flyin’ ute, et al – there’s actually no religious component to the story (stories, actually). But my religion does come into it.
Comment by Clydesteve | 09.3.2008 | 9:57 am
“…my tuxedo (baby blue, indigo velvet trim and cummerbund..” a direct quote from you , Fatty, as is: “Yes, that’s right.” And these quotes are even close to each other, so one could say that I did not quote you out of context.
Please say this outfit does not exist.
Comment by Ian | 09.3.2008 | 10:05 am
Hey Fatty, Interbike is gonna be pretty awesome, seeing as it’s my first time going as well. So, I may have to take you up on your offer for the free shirt in return for attending your panel session. Only one question: should I bring a massive sign to wave around when you speak, or paint the clydesdale logo on my chest? Either way, I thin it would be awesome to meet you, with or without the free shirt (but seriously, I want the free shirt). See you at Interbike.
Comment by Corey | 09.3.2008 | 10:12 am
“But my religion does come into it.”
OK, you live in Utah, and your sister’s blog says she was raised Mormon. We get it, we accept it, it is what it is…now can we have the story please! :D
Comment by mattlikesbikes | 09.3.2008 | 10:14 am
With a suit selection like that, you will rival Gary Fisher for worst dressed at IB.
Last year he had on his pimp supremo silver/grey leather suit and tacky shirt.
Comment by Brandy | 09.3.2008 | 10:22 am
Bring comfortable shoes! Seriously, sounds cliche but way important.
I got a blister from all the walking last year the very first day!
Say hi to Ryan and Brent for us.
WIN,
Brandy
Comment by DOM | 09.3.2008 | 10:35 am
A story and a scar and you won’t dish? Come on, FC, I see right through this. Blog rule #12: If you want people to pop back tomorrow but don’t have stuff to give away, alude to a story and let them beg to hear it.
Everyone, repeat after me: I, state your name, promise not to act like a fool when Fatty tells the story.
Assuming the religious component of the story is along the lines of a medallion impaling a body part, couldn’t you substitute something nobody sane could take opposition to, say an Aztec trinket or ceremonial Druid bookmark?
Comment by KT | 09.3.2008 | 10:48 am
“I, state your name, promise not to act like a tool when Fatty tells the story.”
Fatty, I think 99.999% of us don’t care what your religion is; I personally don’t judge people based on their religion, but on their actions.
Oh, and their looks, because, you know. :)
I’m kidding. I wanna hear the story.
WIN, Susan!! :)
Comment by Argentius | 09.3.2008 | 11:22 am
Fatty,
Whatcha doing at interbike? I’m not going myself, this year, but a lot of folks at Raleigh here are. I know for the most part it’s just industry types that go to this sucker. What’s yer biz?
Comment by victoria | 09.3.2008 | 11:31 am
That was some excellent writing advice.
Comment by Susan | 09.3.2008 | 11:32 am
loved the post – I will begin utilizing the short paragraph tactic on Fork You immediately.
A suggestion about your outfit (do guys have “outfits”??) for semi-formal events at Interbike: Instead of pairing your suit with a tie, why not a Rock Racing t-shirt? It would be: Miami Vice meets vain racing team. And would add “both style and sex appeal” for the bargain basement price of $30 and they are offering free shipping for a limited time. I wonder if you can still get the free poster….
Comment by sansauto | 09.3.2008 | 11:41 am
You’re welcome.
I figure that you read my blog and made a list of all of the things that I do wrong and recognized my readership at 4… or 3, I think my mom stopped reading. You then made a list of the difference between our blogs and voila, you have a post. Brilliant. That’s why people read your blog and skip over my responses… just like I skip over all of the overly long comments.
We’re praying for you and your family in our all accepting non-denominational sort of way. I’d also like to hear a bike story involving your religion. I might even defend your religion if needs be, I think we’re of the same faith. You’re Buddhist, right?
Comment by Jared | 09.3.2008 | 12:09 pm
Just googled Lammler and saw his facebook picture…. With that intense look you’ld think he’d just forgotten to spalm with care.
Comment by SurlyCommuter | 09.3.2008 | 2:07 pm
Make sure to wear something that shows off your luxury body
Comment by Mocougfan | 09.3.2008 | 2:25 pm
I’m with Flying Ute on this one (btw the Utes suck, ask your brother!!!)… you totally can’t hold out on us on a good story. I’ll tell you my religion if you tell me yours.
Comment by graisseux | 09.3.2008 | 2:28 pm
I’ll just give a little teaser of the mysterious story: “A priest, a rabbi, and the Fat Cyclist go on a ride…”
I think it’s awesome that Herr Lammler’s Fat Cyclist lampooning comes up before his Facebook profile in a Google search. And you claim to have done nothing in the way of search engine optimization…
Watch your back at Interbike; if the Tour of America folks aren’t too ashamed to show their faces around there, you’re guaranteed at least another punch in the throat from them.
Comment by Chuck | 09.3.2008 | 2:45 pm
It’s the LOL kitties that keep me coming back to this site. Keep ‘em comin’.
Comment by Jodi | 09.3.2008 | 2:54 pm
May I interject….
My blog has been linked to by the New York Times, NY Magazine, and Gothamist, among others.
I’ve never had such a jump in traffic as I received by my own brother giving me a mention. You Fatcyclists are kind of a cool bunch – thanks for the donations to Stand Up 2 Cancer. Maybe my goal will be reached, maybe not. Either way I’m happyl that my brother is surrounded by you weirdos.
As you were….
Comment by Kathleen | 09.3.2008 | 3:55 pm
You are going to have a FABULOUS time at this conference! And thanks for the tips…you are a blog god (oh dear, did I just bring religion into the comments field? sorry!)
Comment by MTB W | 09.3.2008 | 5:05 pm
weirdos? Weirdos? Oh, right.
Comment by Flyin' Ute | 09.3.2008 | 5:06 pm
Mocougfan,
The Utes just beat Michigan and I didn’t hear anyone calling it an upset. They have come a long way baby!! We built that foundation. You know Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that.
My brother has stood on the Utes sideline during many a game cheering for “our” beloved Utes.
Comment by Debamundo | 09.3.2008 | 5:19 pm
Ok, now you HAVE to tell the bike related story of how you got that interesting scar. You can’t tease us like that. We’ll forgive you for getting into religion just this once, honest.
Comment by Triflefat | 09.3.2008 | 6:34 pm
Like shooting fish in a barrel Fatty, the way you point your little community the way you want them to go.
You give us a typically self-deprecating “how to” manual in whatever this blog thing is that you do.
But that manual incorporates a technique not mentioned in the manual – the gentle tease about the scar that somehow has a religious connotation. And that evinces exactly the required responses.
Pavlov’s dogs didn’t drool on command like this!
What a master!!
Comment by Dudley | 09.3.2008 | 7:19 pm
So early in the days of the fat cyclist’s group riding career, before the days of flashy pink jerseys, young Elden was riding innocently at the back of his new group on the way to their favorite mountain bike trail. Low and behold the group passes an institution of/house of/ place of worship. It could have been Saturday or Sunday depending on the denomination.
Well the experienced riders ahead of the intrepid Fatty knew full well that when the parishoners are LEAVING the house of worship and exiting the parking lot onto the main thoroughfare that anyone on the road not defended as an occupant of a large motorized vehicle is taking their life at risk. They hustle on past.
So as one kindly religious observer fails to notice Fatty bringing up the rear of the peloton, a small nudge occurs linking Fatty’s leg with a chain ring and his head with the pavement. Hence the unusual scar.
Right Fatty?
Or do you remember something different?
Pingback by Weekly Roundup: 4 September 2008 « Cycling Phun | 09.3.2008 | 9:06 pm
[...] Fat Cyclist: It’s so very hard to figure out when to take Fatty serious or not. I think that this is one of those times that we can assume he might (I know, really sure, right?) actually be serious. Regardless, it looks like Fatty will (not?!) be a part of a (real?!) panel at Interbike. He took a minute to give a quick Preview Of (his) Contribution To The Interbike Web 2.0 Social Media Panel. [...]
Comment by Al Maviva | 09.3.2008 | 9:28 pm
I have some tips for you while at Interbike.
1) Do not under any circumstances ride the Cervelos. You’ll wind up having to buy several. You won’t be forced to, you’ll merely feel compelled to. They are the Borg of cycling; resistance is futile. And no, Cervelo doesn’t give stuff away. I’ve tried, and in spite of threats, cajoling, and the offering of token consideration, it ain’t happenin’, and if they do by chance give something to you I’m only going to come to your house and steal it. So Phil & Gerard, if you’re reading this, just send the Soloist to me, C/o Elden Nelson. Do this, and the R3-SL won’t get hurt.
2) Do not let Tessler punch you in the throat. He has hands like goat hooves, a result of a deal with the devil gone terribly wrong. He had asked “a man” to meet him at the crossroads because he wanted to be a great blues singer that others were jealous of. Unfortunately, “the man” misheard and made him a great at cross/road, and threw in a Blue CX bike, some gels, and a pair of goat hooves that were lying around the shop next to some old Campy cranks. I understand his goat hooves/hands make it hard to shift with anything other than a Modolo Morphos STI, but that they vibe hella on the runups, and they’re useful for punching out bloggers and the guys who write alleged articles for Pez.
3) Do not take whatever the hell Jacquie Phelan is taking. Unless you’ve given up on the Mormon thing, or Susan needs something really, really strong. In which case, take no more than 25% of whatever it is that Jacquie is on, and be standing by with the antivenom, just in case. On the off-chance she’s naturally like that, without chemical assistance… well, I really don’t know what to say. Proof of amazing non-carbon-based intelligent life forms, I guess.
4) Do not be in a room with Greg Lemond and Lance Armstrong. It has been proven that they are the yin and the yang, the alpha and the omega, matter and anti-matter, and that if they are ever in the same room together, either the universe will collapse in on itself and end, or it will collapse in on itself and result in a new plane of existence that offers greater lateral stiffness, better vertical compliance, and bold new graphics – and if there’s anything we have enough of, it’s that. Oh yeah, and since it’s affiliated with Trek, the new plane of existence won’t be recognized by the TdF, and it will eventually be sold to Rock Racing as a parking lot for some of the team’s Escalades, since there’s only so much handicap parking to go around.
5) Don’t worry about the Velo News guy punching you in the throat. Velo News is weak, so it won’t hurt at all. Unless Tessler figures out a way to loan him the goat hooves.
6) Don’t rap your knuckles on Tim Jackson unless you’re at the ‘cross race and you forgot your cowbell. Stop if he starts clanking on his own, without being shaken or hit. Rumor has it that after the accident, they rebuilt him, made him faster, and stronger… with MORE COWBELL!
7) Don’t worry about me punching you in the throat at Interbike. As long as there’s still booze, gambling, and women of ill-repute in Vegas, I’ll be far too busy to punch anybody out. Well, unless I see that guy Tessler, in which case we’re going to go mano-a-cabra.
Ps. Tessler – the above is all a joke, everybody here knows I’m making it all up, so don’t go all Doctor Laemmler on Elden and retaliate by punching him in the throat with your brimstone-smeared goat hooves.
Comment by Jared | 09.4.2008 | 12:48 am
and on the 8th day God gave Al Maviva the gift of speech…. and the world was in awe of what came out.
Comment by spokejunky | 09.4.2008 | 8:28 am
How to tie a Windsor knot.
Comment by spokejunky | 09.4.2008 | 8:31 am
or maybe try this instead of a tie for those special date nights.
Comment by S | 09.4.2008 | 10:08 am
Nothing to do with Fatty and interbike but I was passing through and followed his links to Waltworks.
Blacksheep Walt? Quality beer. Respect.
as you were; Fatty fans
Comment by bikemike | 09.4.2008 | 10:13 am
Elden, there is a Krispy Kreme factory in the Venetian Hotel next to the convention center, just so you know.
Comment by Carolyn | 09.7.2008 | 8:23 am
I like the sound you make when getting punched in the throat.
Comment by DL Byron | 09.9.2008 | 7:32 am
Damn it, I’m on the other social media panel: How to use the web to build affinity for your brand. So we can’t square off and then annoyingly keep turning the conversations back to ourselves or hog the mic or be a major Web Cocks to each other.
Comment by lyne | 09.21.2008 | 7:14 pm
Sweet. I usually don’t go to the seminars at Interbike, too buys running around getting free schwag, but I’ll definitely have to make an exception in this case.
And document the scuffles and insults. For insurance purposes only, not for entertainment, really.
Did I mention that you are trumping free schwag?
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