Journal of Dr. Prescott, Part III: War!
5 May, 7114
I should have known this was too good to last.
I have lived among these simpleminded natives nigh upon a week, and have come to respect their ways. Wake, forage, ride around in convoluted patterns, boast, eat, sleep.
Also, as I have spent more time with these people, I have noticed physical peculiarities not originally observed. For example, they seem to have developed a thick, calloused layer of skin on their hindquarters.
More importantly, I have noticed that their peculiar gait in walking is not merely due to the cleatlike protrusions on the underside of their feet. While this is certainly a contributing factor, it is not as important as the fact that they have developed an unconventional leg musculature resulting in a remarkable phenomenon: their legs always turn circles.
Astonishingly, this is now true even when they are not on their bicycles.
Alas, I fear that their idyllic life is about to come to an end. While there is considerable diversity among the many subfactions of this native village — a group who ride nothing but the banked ovalesque road, a spinoff group that eschews brakes and gears, and an irrascible crew of tiny people who want to do nothing but climb to the top of the highest hill each day — there is evidently a heretofore unmentioned tribe, which this group of natives cannot abide.
They are referred to as "The Dirty People."
I have not yet seen these Dirty People yet, but from the descriptions I have been given, I would happily spend my life in such ignorance. For these people have shunned all that is clean and elegant and light, in favor of cheap thrills, heavy, dirty bikes, and painted bodies.
They have no fear of pain, I am told, and want nothing more than to die.
And, I am given to understand, tomorrow they will be descending on these gentle natives I have come to love, and will be attacking — for no reason whatsoever — in a manner most vicious.
I look around and see no hope for these natives. Their arms are twiglike. They have no weapons to speak of. Their legs, while powerfully muscled, only turn in small circles; they are useless for kicking. These natives cannot even run.
Their only hope is to get on their bicycle conveyances and hope they can escape The Dirty People.
I am not optimistic.
Comment by ok | 09.11.2008 | 11:01 am
And the plot thickens.
Comment by fremont mike | 09.11.2008 | 11:02 am
Whoo hoo first one!!!
Great writeup.
Win Susan!!!
Mike Jones
Comment by fremont mike | 09.11.2008 | 11:03 am
Dang it!
Win Susan!!!
Comment by Jeff | 09.11.2008 | 11:06 am
Mountain bikers vs. roadies? Can’t we all just get along?
Comment by Kt | 09.11.2008 | 11:22 am
The Dirty People want nothing more than to die?! Those poor people! To live, now THAT is the grand adventure!
Stay strong, good doctor! And don’t forget to duck!
Comment by bikemike | 09.11.2008 | 11:25 am
get your computer fixed, man. i need my specialized update.
i keed.
Susan , your husband is an odd man. fortunately, for him, the rest of us are just odd enough to appreciate him. your compassion knows no limits. get better soon.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 09.11.2008 | 11:26 am
Run Roadies, run!!! Or Ride, Roadies, Ride!!! Perhaps there IS hope for them, as we all know they wake at ridiculously early hours to do their rides….while the dirty, off-road riders are notorious lay-abouts who sleep until all hours. Aha….the plot thickens…….
John…..Marsha……John…….Marsha……John…..
WIN
Unite
LiveSTRONG
Comment by MTB W | 09.11.2008 | 11:36 am
Oh, those poor misunderstood “Dirty People”! Dr. Prescott, can’t you see that they only want to have fun and share Cheapus Beerus with the locals? Can you negotiate peaceful harmony between these groups, like to have each group exchange their bikes? Kind of like how some ancient rider (with a name something like strong arm) was able to go back and forth between riding on hard surfaces and in the woods.
Comment by Swedoz | 09.11.2008 | 11:50 am
Whahahaha revenge at last!
Comment by KanyonKris | 09.11.2008 | 11:50 am
Dr. Prescott,
When we did not receive word from you at the accustomed day there was great concern here at The Society. Needless to say we were relieved to receive your latest letter.
Of course that relief did not last long as we learned of the impending war on the island. This has reignited the debate among the members as to the wisdom or foolishness of allowing adventurers, like yourself, to explore the less civilized and unknown reaches of the globe without arms. But no mind, we hope your nonpartisan presence on the island, and as last resort your military training, will aid you in avoiding injury.
We admire your courage in the face of this threat and your commitment to the principles of exploration and science to which we are sworn. May you not be harmed in the impending conflict and survive to continue your work, is our firm hope.
With deep concern,
James Jameson et al
The Society
Comment by Clydesteve | 09.11.2008 | 11:51 am
DHers can’t climb. The roadies just need to go uphill.
Comment by Clydesteve | 09.11.2008 | 11:53 am
Wait a second, Dr. Prescott does not have arms?
Where does he get off criticizing the natives for having twig-like arms?
Comment by Rob | 09.11.2008 | 11:54 am
So the RATUSALOT really happening then? and with Lance? cool.
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/bored_man_to_participate_in
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Comment by bikemike | 09.11.2008 | 12:12 pm
Dr. Prescott will be able to use his death-ray gun (everyone has those in the future) to defend himself. there may be no hope for the natives. he probably doesn’t have anyway of recharging the dang thing.(they’re not solar powered, you know)
i guess we’re going to see if that sticks and stones thing works.
Comment by nickc | 09.11.2008 | 12:27 pm
It’s like a mini series. One of those massive ones like Lost or 24, will there be a box set?
Comment by chiggins | 09.11.2008 | 12:42 pm
I don’t know much about how the mini-series will play out, but one thing is certain:
Richard Chamberlain will be in it.
Comment by Will | 09.11.2008 | 12:44 pm
An excerpt from my own travels.
“I stepped off the road for a quick bathroom stop. Seeking the privacy of the vegetation I stumbled upon an odd looking path. It was sandy, continuous, and packed far harder than the surrounding dirt. It was also only inches wide. Wondering what could have possibly made such a thing, I began to walk along the path looking for clues.
Suddenly a tree reached out and grabbed my arm! Its grip was crushing even though it was only using three of its five fingers! I then noticed that it wasn’t a tree, but a native whose skin was so tightly covered in tatoos that it appeared to be bark. The tatoos were an alpha-numeric nonsense of “SRAMXOSRAMX9SRAMX7SRAMX5″ repeated over and over. It stepped forward and said “Zero.Peds.” I pooped my pants.”
Comment by Kazimer | 09.11.2008 | 1:02 pm
What IS this stuff?
Comment by graisseux | 09.11.2008 | 1:33 pm
You’re like the H.G. Wells of the cycling world without the belief in eugenics–I hope.
Comment by Bitter (It's my last name) | 09.11.2008 | 2:01 pm
Dear Mr. Jameson,
It is very kind of you to keep correspondence with our intrepid traveler, Doctor Prescott. I look forward to your encouraging words to him each day and hope he finds strength in your reply.
We, at The Naturalist Society for Women Anthropologists, add our concern to yours regarding the welfare of our beloved Doctor Prescott, but do not doubt that he will survive the coming hostilities.
Before he set out on his current expedition, Doctor Prescott attended several soirees and lectures hosted by The Naturalist Society for Women Anthropologists that delved into the power of the spoken word in negotiating peaceful outcomes from states of conflict and agitation. No doubt, this newfound skill will aid him in his endeavors.
We invite you to join us for our next lecture, which will be hosted by the great scientist, Dr. Leroy Filbert, II. The topic for the evening will pertain to the mating habits of the actitus hypoleucos and how it affects the sleep patterns of the local indigenous people. Should you wish to come, tickets will be arranged for you and your party at no cost, due to the dedicated interest you show toward Doctor Prescott.
Do send us word if you hear from him again.
Respectfully yours,
Lady Leonora Deverille, Esq.
The Naturalist Society for Women Anthropologists
Comment by MTB W | 09.11.2008 | 2:12 pm
This is a directly from an AP article in yesterday’s Denver Post:
Astana teammate Levi Leipheimer seemed soured by talk of riding with Armstrong again.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” said Leipheimer, who teamed with Armstrong for one season at U.S. Postal Service.
Seems like Fatty was right on the mark! So much for “fake” news service!
Comment by KanyonKris | 09.11.2008 | 4:19 pm
Dear Lady Deverille,
Your concern for our intrepid Dr. Prescott is admirable and appreciated.
The members of The Society were heartened to learn of Dr. Prescott’s attendance of your fortuitously timed lectures before his departure. Based on the famed quality of your hosted lectures we are certain the principles of negotiation and diplomacy he learned will be of value to him in the impending skirmish. You have our thanks for expediting this news to us in our time of grave concern for Dr. Prescott’s welfare.
Furthermore, we are delighted by your invitation to your upcoming lecture. A noticed of invitation will be display prominently on our bulletin board. I assure you there will be great interest among our members and I will reply with a request for tickets in five days time.
Thank you again for your thoughtful letter,
James Jameson
The Society
Comment by KanyonKris | 09.11.2008 | 4:20 pm
Is this getting weird enough? I sure hope so.
All hail Preston Prescott! Keep a stiff upper lip, my good man!
Comment by Bjorn 4Lycra | 09.11.2008 | 4:45 pm
Really looking forward to the finish.
Comment by mary | 09.11.2008 | 5:10 pm
I wonder what Dr. Prescott would write about the unfortunate incident at the start of the Leadville 100
Thank you Fatty for inspiring Lance to make a come back
Comment by Bitter (It's my last name) | 09.11.2008 | 6:47 pm
lol
Comment by Caffeine Queen | 09.11.2008 | 8:20 pm
I’m glued to my computer in far flung Perth, Australia waiting to hear what fate will awaits the intrepid Roadies…
Will they bring forth the sacred Torque Wrench to fight off their opponents?
Or can they summon that which the Dirty people have no knowledge of… the power of The Draft!
Keep it coming…
This girl from down under wants to hear more.
Comment by formertdfan | 09.11.2008 | 8:54 pm
hey fatty,
I am a radiologist and met a woman today, who is 35, and has a story so similar to Susan’s that it made my heart hurt. She has two very young kids and a lovely husband. Breast cancer is such a horrible disease.
Please, take care -
And, give my best to botched also
Comment by formertdfan | 09.11.2008 | 9:03 pm
sorry for the off topic prior post — it is just a subject that has been on my mind all day — and there just aren’t a lot of people around to talk to about it
by the way, I am also curious to see what happens to our beloved Dr. Prescott….
Comment by Don | 09.11.2008 | 9:16 pm
Mountain vs roadie…
It makes me think “there is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees, for the maples want more sunlight and the oaks ignore their pleas.”
Comment by Steph | 09.11.2008 | 11:52 pm
I’ve got tears running down my face…dear, dear Dr. Prescott. Who could have foretold the pleasure I would find in these entries?
The Dirty People, indeed. ;)
Comment by Bjorn 4 Lycra | 09.12.2008 | 3:58 am
Is it finished yet?
Terrific interview FC you are quite an interesting bloke.
Best wishes Botched – let us know how the recovery goes. Don’t forget in the immortal words of Keannu “chicks dig scars” you are going to have a world beater.
Comment by fuzzy | 09.12.2008 | 5:24 am
I hope that Dr Prescott has his own copy of one of my favourit tomes- ‘Native truth- how to avoid the pitfalls’ by Dr Henry Walton Jones Jr. (Indiana to his friends).
Comment by Lizzylou | 09.12.2008 | 5:25 am
Perhaps the ‘Dirty People’ can mate with the roadies and produce offspring of a new variety. You know, ones that are terrified to ride on the paved pathways with the natives, but are also scared of getting dirty in the mountains. They will want bicycles where they can sit upright, and tires that will handle some gravel, but no rocks or roots. Given enough evolutionary time, this new breed from the island may even loose those cleat-like protrusions on their feet.
Comment by Sean | 09.12.2008 | 7:47 am
I started reading your blog upon hearing everyone talk about it. You are truly a gifted individual with an interesting take on things.
I would fall into the “dirty people” category.
Ride on.
Sean
Comment by Clydesteve | 09.12.2008 | 9:28 am
Woah, lizzylou, you are talking about the progeny of a track cyclist & a downhiller. A roadie & a MTBer make a cyclocrosser!
Comment by Onan the Barbarian | 09.12.2008 | 10:49 am
* Mountain bikers vs. roadies? Can’t we all just get along? *
I have found a happy medium – cyclocross.
Comment by Anonymous | 09.12.2008 | 11:00 am
* Mountain bikers vs. roadies? Can’t we all just get along? *
*I have found a happy medium – cyclocross.*
I thought you said “happy”… why don’t The Dirty Ones and the roadies just form a fragile alliance to defeat the savages on the next island over who prefer to operate their bikes in a horizontal riding posture?
Recumbents… the power to unite all cyclists in a shared moment of laughter.
Comment by Rod Newbound, RN | 09.12.2008 | 11:13 am
Fatty,
Your mind doth work in mysterious ways… :)
Comment by Fat Bike Racer | 09.12.2008 | 1:10 pm
Never mind all this, how is that belt drive working out? !!!!
Comment by Mel | 09.12.2008 | 1:18 pm
Hey Fatty,
The word is spreading… I wore my Fat Cyclist tee to watch a stage of the Tour of Britain today and got a “cool t-shirt” from one of the team officials at the start village – that made my day almost as much as meeting Bradley Wiggins!
Win!
Mel
(Oh, and Pock Racing *do* appear to have a new strip colour every day… and a big shiny SUV full of designer haircuts)
Comment by Kerbouchaud | 09.12.2008 | 4:36 pm
The Gentle roadies are indeed in danger of being completely wiped out. Their only hope is to stay out of the way of the famed “Dirty People” The Dirty People have no interest in harming the scrawny roadies but rather only intend to attack the countryside for weeks on end with pick axes, shovels, hammers, boards and nails. After this strange ritual of creating modern artistic creations they will then mount their air-sprung steeds and attempt to destroy themselves by launching into over and under these new creations.
This being said, the only danger that the roadies face is being run over by an out of control dirty person, or possibly from one falling from the sky.
To rid themselves of this plague all that they need to do is form a government and the Dirty People will flee the area quite quickly.
Comment by Kathleen | 09.12.2008 | 5:41 pm
I’d out-pedal a dirty person any day!
Comment by A. Pedaliecus | 09.12.2008 | 6:19 pm
A most careful inspection of the Society archives reveals that natives of the neighboring area utilize an instructional tale for their children: their Shamans remonstrate naughty children with legends of mythic “Gravites” who, lost in the indulgent thrill of descending pleasure, had their legs wither when they lost the ability to traverse or ascend.
Among the Dirty People their may be similar sub-tribes; please be careful, good Doctor, lest these fearless warriors descend upon you without warning. Should you be fortunate to observe their attack in time to respond, the Society’s learned committee recommends you run *uphill*! There these natives are powerless to pursue you, and you shall be in a position to observe them in safety.
Comment by Linda | 09.12.2008 | 7:51 pm
if Fatty fixes his computer will we ever know the ending?…
Comment by Miles Archer | 09.13.2008 | 9:19 am
There have to be mutant Bent people someplace on this island.
Comment by Ian | 09.13.2008 | 3:18 pm
Open Letter to Fatty:
Dude, the Dr. Prescott bit, sucks… it’s lame. Cut it out, never do it again. You are too funny, to sarcastic, too sardonic to resort to this mindless fluff.
Thanks
Ian
Comment by Lizzylou | 09.14.2008 | 3:28 pm
Quiet Ian… I am absolutely on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment of this series.
Remember, you can’t please all of the people all of the time. Some of us like it, some of us don’t. That’s the way it will always be, and there is no fixing it.
If you don’t like something, that’s fine, it’s your opinion; however, your opinion shouldn’t be used to insult others.
Comment by Co | 09.14.2008 | 8:27 pm
Peace, all. Lizzylou – it’s clear you’re in the majority, no need to chide. Ian – FC is admittedly idiosyncratic, and we love him for it. If you don’t like this post, there’s plenty-enuff in the archives to read for a bit.
Comment by Di | 09.14.2008 | 10:11 pm
Dirty people, indeed! We traveled down to the Detroit corner of the state (9 hours away) for some collegiate MTB racing. I did my race, today, and had a great time. After several hours in the car, on the way back, I had to get out and do whatever. I found that I couldn’t really walk without it being awkward. My muscles just kind of tightened up and I felt very stiff. It would’ve been much easier to go into the gas station if I rode my bike. ;-)
BTW, there’s a ton of rain in the Midwest, and flooding, as well, so we truly are dirty people. :-D
Comment by Rachel | 09.15.2008 | 9:54 am
I like the Dr. Prescott journals.
It’s an unusual mix of a biking blog with sci fi/fantasy. Destined to please few people, until decades later, when the long-since deceased author is famous.
Comment by Ian | 09.15.2008 | 10:01 am
For background I’ve been reading Fatty’s posts for about 2 years and I’ve responded twice. (Now three) I’m well aware of the archives and top posts, thank you. Apparently there has been some confusion. My response was an open letter to Fatty… not to his lemmings. So as much as I appreciate your responses to my response, save it. If you like this unimaginative drivel, by all means, read it… and then tell him about it. Personally I’m anxiously awaiting his return to satire. However, I certainly don’t need a Yappy Yenta censoring my reply because she perceived it as mean. If Fatty thinks it’s out of line, he’ll delete it.
Comment by Crash | 09.21.2008 | 10:57 am
Dr. Prescott rocks! Keep up the sarcastic, sardonic, funny journalings that keep many of us mindless cyclist (roadies and mtn bikers alike) fluffed with good humor and Sunday priesthood meeting readings. ;)
Until next time good doctor-
Crash
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