A Brief Anecdote
A Note from Fatty: Tomorrow is the last day of the raffles for the Shimano Dura-Ace Wheelset of your choice and the Masi Soulville 10. If you’ve joined Team Fatty but have a balance of $0 in your fundraising page, you should definitely either lean on friends and family or open your own wallet before the end of Friday. Because you can’t win if you haven’t got a ticket. And you get a ticket for every $5.00 you’ve got in your fundraising page.
If you’re not a member of Team Fatty, you can still win a chance — ’til end of day Friday — at the Shimano Dura-Ace Wheelset — a $2000 value — by donating at my Fundraising page. Click here to do it now.
Shaggy Dog Prologue
Really, this post doesn’t belong on my blog, at least as my blog’s mission statement was originally defined.
What, you didn’t know my blog has a mission statement? Of course my blog has a mission statement. Every popular and successful blog has a mission statement. If your blog doesn’t isn’t popular and doesn’t have a mission statement, that probably explains why your blog is not popular. Write a mission statement, adhere to it, and watch your traffic explode (not literally, because that would be both gross and deadly).
For your information, here is the Fat Cyclist Mission Statement:
Fat Cyclist Mission: To provide synergistic excellence through the medium of a holistic and collaborative approach to the creation and extrapolation of (usually self-deprecating) cycling community comedy. Means toward this end include but are not limited to: anecdotal recitation, weight jokes, fake news, ad analysis, petulance, open letters, gushing and absurd praise of things that may or not be praiseworthy (or may be praiseworthy but for reasons other than the received praise), and the occasional limerick. Also, to promote mayonnaise as the best condiment ever.
Truth be told, however, I think it’s safe to say that my blog has been off-mission for quite some time. I do not apologize, but I hereby commit to, in the near future, revising my mission statement to include my expanded focus.
Of course, some of you may be wondering what other cycling blogs have mission statements. Well, I think I can quite nicely prove my point — that a good mission statement can give focus and ensure popularity to a blog — by citing the mission statement for Bike Snob NYC:
Bike Snob NYC Mission: To write 50 words more than the previous day; to read, dissect and ridicule every Craigslist post ever written; and to confound fixie hipsters by making them forever uncertain whether to be flattered or insulted when featured. Or both. Also, to be very, very anonymous, so people won’t find out that he is actually Greg Lemond.
Anyway, this post — the part I’m about to write, not the part I’ve already written — doesn’t even fit within my soon-to-be-revised blog mission. Curiously, however, it does fit nicely within my friend Dug’s blog mission:
Dug’s Blog Mission: To explore every nook and cranny of scat humor.
It’s a worthy mission, and I think Dug’s blog will go far.
And now, 4000 words into today’s post, I am ready to describe yesterday’s event. Which, if you reach waaaay back into your memory, you will recall I mentioned would fit nicely in Dug’s blog.
At Long Last, the Anecdote
I work at home three days out of the week. This lets me stay close to Susan. However, my job has me on the phone pretty often, making it so I am not able to come to the door easily. Thus, I have instructed the nurses who stop by from time to time to just come on in.
Well.
Yesterday, following a long phone conference, I quickly ran downstairs to see how Susan was doing. As I ran through my list of things I always check on — does she need anything to eat or drink, is her oxygen tube crimp-free, are her legs comfortable, does she need to be shifted to a different position — I became acutely aware of the fact that during the prior 90 minute conference call, I had consumed roughly 1.5 litres of Diet Coke (with Lime, but the lime is not relevant to the story. Pay no attention to the lime.).
Clearly, it was time for me to use the restroom. Luckily, we have a restroom just outside the room (formerly the living room) where we have Susan’s bed set up. This restroom is also just off the entryway.
Do I even need to finish this anecdote? No? Well, I’m going to anyway.
Of course, since this was during school hours and Susan and I were the only ones home (and it’s not like Susan was going to come invade my privacy), there was no need whatsoever for me to close the door to the restroom.
So I didn’t.
No sooner had I embarked upon my moment of blessed relief, however, than the front door opened, and — naturally — in walked a nurse.
Now, the truth is, this anecdote could have ended quite uneventfully. The nurse would be walking from the entry to the living room, and would not be passing the restroom. Unless I did something stupid, she would not see me at all.
Let me reiterate: in order for me to remain unseen, all I had to do was just keep peeing. My best course of action was to make no change to my course of action.
Before I continue, I need to make three contextual points:
- The restroom door swings out of the restroom, so that when open, the doorknob is nicely visible from the entryway.
- As I stood and faced the toilet, the door was on my left.
- While I am generally right-handed, I am not right-handed for certain activities. I have no explanation for this, and do not wish to elaborate further.
Not wanting to disappoint the thousands of people who would feel hurt and slightly betrayed if I were to behave rationally, I engaged, rapidfire, in the below sequence of events:
- With my right hand, I reached left, stretching for the doorknob. It was too far.
- I continued to pee.
- I leaned left, reaching with my right hand, trying to get to the doorknob.
- I continued to pee.
- I made a magnificent effort, leaning and pivoting hard left, while reaching with my right.
- I continued to pee.
- I exposed myself to the nurse.
- I made an inarticulate, strangling, gurgling sound, meant to convey surprise, embarrassment, and an apology for having greeted her in this manner.
- Also, I peed on the floor of the entryway. And on the wall of the bathroom.
- Finally — after what seemed like days of peeing and self-exposing — I reached the doorknob and closed the door.
You may be interested to know that, so great is my humiliation, that I have not since exited the bathroom.
I am not certain that I ever will.
Comment by dug | 12.11.2008 | 5:29 pm
i, of course, have some comments.
first, ALWAYS mention the lime. lime is key. but not keylime.
second, that is only the first clause of my mission statement.
third, i think bikesnobnyc is, in fact, rosie o’donnell.
fourth, your episode is kind of like that time norm from cheers interviewed for the job of beer taster at a brewery. all he had to do was drink some beer and shut up to get the job. he ended up dancing and singing knick knack paddywack give the dog a bone. the equivalent of peeing all over the wall and floor.
fifth, i am also right handed, except for hockey. for some reason, i hold a hockey stick left handed. but that’s the only stick i hold that way.
Comment by Gregory Dudzienski | 12.11.2008 | 5:32 pm
I more interested in if you always go to the washroom with either a laptop or other device that allows you to blog from there…
:)
Comment by RachelGio | 12.11.2008 | 5:42 pm
Bless you, Fatty, for you gave me a good belly laugh today and when you’re boss is as much of a mouth breather as mine is, a good belly laugh is much appreciated. Bless you!
Comment by Scott in Owatonna, MN | 12.11.2008 | 5:43 pm
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!!!!!!
Comment by BikeCopVT | 12.11.2008 | 5:45 pm
Fatty,
You truly tickled my funny bone tonight. I was laughing out loud and suddenly realized I really had to go pee. I ran to the bathroom, and even though I am home, with only my two sleeping children, I learned something very important from your post. I closed the door. See, so really today’s post is more of a public service announcement. Thank you once again for serving your community.
Win Susan
Elden Won
LiveStrong
Comment by gail | 12.11.2008 | 5:48 pm
Thank you for, once again, making me feel so smart and civilized. I am wiping tears from my eyes! And definitely, always closing the door from now on.
Comment by Rick S. | 12.11.2008 | 5:49 pm
At least it was the Diet Coke pee. Diluted, smells like lime, and is a great disinfectant.
Comment by Mike | 12.11.2008 | 5:52 pm
i thought this story was going to involve a pee filled water bottle and a nurse, but it ended up being way funnier than that. thanks fatty.
Comment by KanyonKris | 12.11.2008 | 6:07 pm
Fire that nurse and hire another one from a completely different agency, preferable in another state. I see no alternative.
Comment by JT | 12.11.2008 | 6:08 pm
At least you didn’t pee on the nurse, always a bright side!
Comment by Linda | 12.11.2008 | 6:11 pm
relax fatty, I am sure she has seen it all before (nurses usually do)..well maybe not exactly yours…but still
Comment by TimK | 12.11.2008 | 6:15 pm
This is why your site is the best on the Web. You can come out of the bathroom now the nurse has gone home to write about this on her blog by now I’m sure.
Comment by Mike | 12.11.2008 | 6:17 pm
I’m sensing a Free Fatty facebook group.
Come on out, man. Everybody’s done that.
OK not really, but we’ve worried about it.
Comment by Woody | 12.11.2008 | 6:25 pm
Once, back in my younger and more stupid days, I needed to pee. So did the friend I was with. We raced to the bathroom at the arcade. Alas, she won the seat on the throne. However, I could not wait so I hauled myself up on the sink. Which promptly fell off of the wall, breaking the water pipe and throwing me through the door. So there I was lying bare-a$$ed on the floor of the arcade with the fine mist of water from the sink pipe spraying me! Not one of my finer moments.
Comment by Jaime O. | 12.11.2008 | 6:31 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…lolllllll omg. i’m ROLLING.
Comment by Uphill Battle | 12.11.2008 | 6:56 pm
Thank you for the much needed laugh!
Comment by Dave in Lehi | 12.11.2008 | 7:01 pm
I inferred that Susan was going to yell at you (which my wife did and does because I continue to pee without closing the door) and thus in you explanation, pee on the floor. I was wrong and your story is much funnier. Thank you.
Comment by PhillyUte | 12.11.2008 | 7:09 pm
Reminds me of a joke my (now 95 year-old) grandfather told me when I was a kid…
Grandpa: Do you pee with your right hand or your left?
Me: Right–I’m right handed.
Grandpa: That’s strange, I pee with my peter. (Please censor if necessary to keep in harmony with your mission statement and/or the family nature of your blow.)
Comment by Elise | 12.11.2008 | 7:10 pm
Years ago, my parents had a sign next to the commode to remind my brothers to, um, aim. You story reminded me of this-
“You ballplayers with short bats
stand close to home plate.”
Below it was another sign:
“If you sprinkle
while you tinkle
be a sweetie
wipe the seatie.”
After reading your story I can fully appreciate those signs. Thanks for the laughs and pushing me down memory lane…
Comment by PhillyUte | 12.11.2008 | 7:11 pm
last word should be, of course, blog.
Comment by SurlyCommuter | 12.11.2008 | 7:12 pm
An epic tale Mr. Fatty – and now a poorly written limerick:
There once was a man named Fatty
Who needed to pee made rather badly
A nurse came through the door
Fatty peed on the floor
While dancing like Michael Flately
Comment by Jenni | 12.11.2008 | 7:36 pm
OMG I am still laughing. That is freaking HILARIOUS! I really needed that laugh. Thanks. Seriously. Thanks.
Comment by Don | 12.11.2008 | 7:37 pm
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!! I had a friend who had an issue that made him pee on a bikers boot at a bar once, but I think this beats it!
Comment by WheelDancer | 12.11.2008 | 7:48 pm
Best laugh of the day, thanks Fatty!
Comment by Marla | 12.11.2008 | 7:51 pm
I, too, will start closing the door. It’s a bit more messy when I have to try to close it mid pee! Thanks for the laugh!
Comment by Lucky Cyclist | 12.11.2008 | 7:52 pm
The question is,…..was her reaction one of laughter,or was she impressed? Of course I mean by the dexterity it takes to stretch ambidexterously, midstream. What did you think I meant?
Comment by Flat Tired | 12.11.2008 | 8:14 pm
Geez, I left my comment on the wrong post. Here we go……Did you at least remember to close the lid afterwards?
You’re a gem, Fatty!
Comment by bubbaseadog | 12.11.2008 | 8:30 pm
were you loggin or bloggin
Comment by justrun | 12.11.2008 | 8:36 pm
So we both blog from the bathroom now? Cool.
Comment by Michael in TN | 12.11.2008 | 8:55 pm
I think I just peed on myself laughing so hard.
WIN SUSAN!
Comment by mamajenny | 12.11.2008 | 9:20 pm
I laughed so hard, and so loud, that my dogs starting barking at me. This is the funniest story I have heard in a long time!
Comment by Bitter (formerly known as Lissee) | 12.11.2008 | 9:41 pm
LMAO
Comment by Dobovedo | 12.11.2008 | 9:48 pm
This is why I pee off the front porch. No doors to worry about.
Comment by MOCougFan | 12.11.2008 | 10:09 pm
We aim to please. Will you aim to PLEASE!!!
Hellarious Fatty. That’s why I come everyday. Does remind one of dug tho. Except he’d be pooing.
Comment by Debbie H | 12.11.2008 | 10:38 pm
In this house of mine we have 3 boys and 1 husband and I often initate the “no-shiney-hiney” rule. In other words, sit and pee please. Funny story.
Comment by dr_robert | 12.11.2008 | 11:08 pm
I’m sure you’re terribly embarrased, but let’s face it: she’s a health care professional providing in home care. She’s seen worse. :)
Comment by bobbieh | 12.11.2008 | 11:21 pm
As a nurse, I LMAO at this one… I’m sure she’s seen worse; heaven knows I have!! Wish we knew if she blogged!!!
WIN SUSAN!!!
Comment by Jeff | 12.11.2008 | 11:37 pm
I just about peed myself reading this!!! How awkward would that be???
Comment by Jon | 12.11.2008 | 11:38 pm
Lucky for you nurses have seen it all… over and over again!
Comment by Jenni Laurita | 12.11.2008 | 11:51 pm
Fatty, if you can get her to post her reaction here, I’ll donate $20 right now.
Comment by mark | 12.12.2008 | 12:41 am
Gregory Dudzienski:
It’s not called a washroom. He obviously wasn’t in there to wash. Until after the fact. At which point he also had to wash the floor and wall. And the poor nurse, who wishes she could wash her mind, has that stain forever stamped upon her visual cortex.
Comment by Clydesteve | 12.12.2008 | 12:42 am
Dobovedo: This is why I pee off the front porch. No doors to worry about.
I used to do that, but my wife hated it. So I stood in the garden and peed on the porch. She hated that, as well.
Some people can never be pleased.
Fatty – Not to worry, I do that all the time. Pretty soon blogging from the restroom will seem normal.
Comment by Rantwick | 12.12.2008 | 1:39 am
Fatty, I have been reading you for a long time, amd have donated to LiveStrong largely because you are just plain inspiring.
You painted such a great picture of your peeing experience, I proceeded to pee my pants. Keep it up, man, and never ever feel obligated to write. What I get I enjoy (even the tough stuff), but when it’s harder to post… I get it, bigtime.
Stay Fatty,
Rantwick
Comment by Dutch Girlie On a Bike | 12.12.2008 | 1:44 am
I am speechless. I am sure the nurse was too *wink wink nudge nudge*
Comment by gewwez | 12.12.2008 | 5:07 am
can someone tell me where to find the nurse’s blog?
Comment by Mike Roadie | 12.12.2008 | 6:04 am
Not sure if you will receive this while “indisposed”.
I also do the right handed/left handed thing…..what causes that?
Thanks for mentioning Mayonnaise (I work for the comapany that owns Hellmann’s).
What about the LIME?????
WIN
Unite
LiveSTRONG
Comment by Swedoz | 12.12.2008 | 6:11 am
Her reaction: another day, another demented man peeing everywhere. Nurses have seen it all before, even if they haven´t seen all of Fatty before.
Comment by Jamie | 12.12.2008 | 6:49 am
Oh how I hope the nurse has a blog of their own so we can read the other side of this story!
This is why I pee off the front porch. No doors to worry about.
At the high school I went to in Australia, it was tradition that on the last day of school everyone would stay out all night getting drunk (drinking age being 18 meant that it was legal for pretty much all of the graduating high schoolers to be of legal age, and the cops turned a blind eye to the rest for one night). Tradition also stated that the worse-for-wear students would go to the head teachers house early in the morning, at which point breakfast would be provided.
After all of this drinking, one of my school chums needed to go wee wee. He thought it weird and embarassing to ask the head teacher if he could use her bathroom. So, to spare himself the embarassment of asking her, he unzipped and tried to indiscretely piss of the side of her balcony. Which is kinda hard to do when you’re exposing yourself to 20 or 30 of your teenage classmates down below, who are having to jump out of the way to avoid getting pissed upon.
He’s now a biochemist or geneticist or something very complicated like that.
Comment by Paul H | 12.12.2008 | 7:13 am
Another classic post. I wonder if the nurse would be a future “Guest Blogger”
Comment by Den | 12.12.2008 | 7:16 am
Ok, now that was really, really funy.
Thanks for the good laugh, I needed it.
Comment by Ka_Jun | 12.12.2008 | 7:27 am
Please tell me you have hardwood, or at least linoleum.
Comment by Bob | 12.12.2008 | 7:42 am
Coffee through the nose funny…
Excuse me while I clean my keyboard and monitor.
Comment by mikeb | 12.12.2008 | 8:15 am
just plain funny
Pingback by Stones Cry Out - If they keep silent… » Things Heard: e44v5 | 12.12.2008 | 8:16 am
[...] Blogging while hiding in the bathroom. [...]
Comment by snobound | 12.12.2008 | 8:31 am
Ah, the woes of a man and his wiener……sorry, hope that wasn’t too crass.
Comment by Miles Archer | 12.12.2008 | 8:34 am
You think a nurse hasn’t seen a man pee before?
Comment by bob | 12.12.2008 | 8:53 am
the ability to stop peeing midstream IS a talent.
a talent that goes against nature,
but CAN validate any practice when finally NEEDED.
i gotta practice more.
also helps when peeing names in the snow.
Comment by Suzanne | 12.12.2008 | 8:54 am
Thank you for sharing your story! It’s great to start the day with a good laugh .. I think you’ll keep me smiling all day!! :)
Comment by cyclingeurope | 12.12.2008 | 9:26 am
I ditto what everyone has said. Thanks for the great start to the day. I’m dying to know the nurse’s reaction. Sure, she’s seen plenty of guys pee…but probably hasn’t watched them pee on the floor right next to the toilet with mouth agape! Have her read your blog and make a comment!
Comment by cyclingeurope | 12.12.2008 | 9:27 am
I by the way, I meant to add that to me, one of the funniest things was the Mission Statement you wrote for Bike Snob, because that’s EXACTLY what I’ve thought of his blog! I go back and forth between yours and his (but I enjoy yours much more).
Comment by Ricky G. | 12.12.2008 | 9:30 am
I know I am still young at heart- fart jokes and embarassing pee situations still make me laugh!
Comment by Ethan | 12.12.2008 | 9:46 am
If memory serves, this is not the first story that involves drinking to much and peeing hilarity.
Comment by Bandit | 12.12.2008 | 9:56 am
Thanks SurlyCommuter. If there were ever a blog for a limerick, it was this post.
WIN
Comment by Lifesgreat | 12.12.2008 | 9:57 am
If it weren’t so funny, I would say TMI!
Comment by jsv | 12.12.2008 | 10:18 am
Hey Fatty my wife is a home care nurse, trust me, they have all walked in on worse!!!
WIN!
Comment by Nick in Seattle | 12.12.2008 | 10:25 am
Nice imagery.
Not sure if it would have been better or worse for the nurse if you were sitting or standing.
Comment by MikeonhisBike | 12.12.2008 | 10:25 am
That was an awesome post. Reminds me of the water bottle post only better. I wonder if your nurse reads your blog?
Mike
http://www.mikeonhisbike.blogspot.com
Comment by Anonymous | 12.12.2008 | 10:27 am
Just checked the stats on Team Fat Cyclist. Up to $44,500 and ranked #1 in all four cities.
Comment by joe blow | 12.12.2008 | 10:34 am
Awesome. Been there. Wife’s friends have a standing invite to “just come in.” Ooops.
Comment by Anonymous | 12.12.2008 | 10:36 am
Bob – you just need to learn to pee in cursive.
Comment by leroy | 12.12.2008 | 10:49 am
Ahhh, bathroom humor. It’s true. The classics never really go out of style.
Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 12.12.2008 | 11:22 am
Pinching is an easy way to stop mid-stream…
Comment by bikemike | 12.12.2008 | 11:26 am
you’ve got a computer in your hallway bathroom? dude, you rock.
Comment by rexinsea | 12.12.2008 | 11:34 am
Sounds like somebody needs to practice his kegel excercises. Good luck getting out of the bathroom.
Comment by BotchedExperiment | 12.12.2008 | 11:35 am
Cool under pressure.
At least you didn’t fart at the nurse.
Comment by Philly Jen | 12.12.2008 | 12:02 pm
Now that is true specialization — knowing how to whiz on two wheels, but spraying the walls and the floor in your own house. Bravo!
Gives a whole new meaning to “Rain Man”.
And thank heavens for wireless signals, right? You can even send out for pizza and a movie while you’re diligently typing away there in the Chamber of Secrets.
You are the best.
Comment by Scott McQ | 12.12.2008 | 12:28 pm
One word: MiracleWhip (Ok – two words shoved together).
Great post – thanks
Comment by Al Maviva | 12.12.2008 | 12:28 pm
Elden, I do not condone unintentionally peeing on the walls of a house, the floor, or an entryway.
Intentional nictitation, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter, and quite salubrious under the proper circumstances.
Comment by Boz | 12.12.2008 | 1:09 pm
I have a similar story, only I was completely unclothed and it was in front of a couple I had just met that night. The details are a not suitable for this family blog, but the look on the young ladies face was priceless. She seems to blush every time I run into her. Can’t imagine why.
Comment by Wild Dingo | 12.12.2008 | 1:40 pm
OMG. i laughed so hard, i cied and nearly peed my pants. thanks!
Comment by sansauto | 12.12.2008 | 2:15 pm
I was once in a study that required me to void my bladder and collect the contents in a beaker. I am consistently hydrated and they only gave me a 500ml beaker. I filled it and had to cut it off midstream to go get a second beaker.
I was telling this story for some reason and my 4 year old son was around. When the conversation ended I mentioned that I needed to go to the bathroom.
My son turned to me very seriously and asked, “Dad, are you going to cut your penis off again?”
It took me awhile to figure out what he was talking about, and then it took some explanation.
Comment by Shiny Flu | 12.12.2008 | 2:46 pm
hehehe, made my day that did. At least you will eventually have to get off the toilet unlike that women in Ness City who sat on the throne for 2 years.. that is unless you have a secret boyfriend that you haven’t been telling us about. :P Have a good weekend!
Comment by Di | 12.12.2008 | 3:20 pm
Hmmm…I’d be willing to put a mission statement on my blog, ;-) but I’m not very good at writing up mission statements.
So, you are a master at humiliation. You had me staring at the monitor in disbelief. I kept wondering, “When is he going to miss the toilet?” and it happened! OH, GOSH! That must not have been fun to clean up.
Comment by Dan O | 12.12.2008 | 3:27 pm
growing up, my mom had an old fashined loking sign in the bathroom that read “My aim is to keep this bathroom clean, your aim will help”
Keep up the good spirits fatty, we’re thinking of you.
life is good
DanO
Comment by TCR Dave (formerly dave) | 12.12.2008 | 4:33 pm
Now that is a great story, one to be told for a long time. But the layout of the house is a little fuzzy. Can you ask Dug to draw a diagram?
Comment by Noose and Goose | 12.12.2008 | 6:00 pm
Not a good day around here and you DEFINATELY made me laugh. Hopefully Susan got a good chuckle from this also.
Comment by Calli | 12.12.2008 | 9:11 pm
Hey, it could have been so much worse- didn’t Thor Hushovd injure his back while taking a whiz? You could have injured yourself too- count yourself lucky, my friend!
Win Susan!
AIM, Fatty!
Comment by Uni-Tom | 12.13.2008 | 1:30 am
Mayonaisse as the ultimate condiment? Flawed mission from the start, Eldon, which is why it is so refreshing that you’ve compensated for that mistake by bringing your family into this. They’ve re-written the mission statement in a way none can dispute. The world is better for that mistake.
But it’s also important to keep the world straight when it comes to condiments, and you’ve given some bad advice. Mayo is just fine for mixing with catsup to make “fry sauce” at the McDonalds in Kimball Junction, but it pales in comparison to the Big Two. Mayo is a distant third, even my home-made mayo, which shreds even Hellman’s.
Condiment #1: https://www.anasazibeans.com/cart/view_product.html?ItemID=289
Condiment #2: http://www.marshmallowfluff.com/pages/homepage.html
Generally you need to find both via internet mail order. For the non-trained, it’s worth skilling up.
A peanut butter, banana, and fluff sandwich is the single best trail food you’re going to get. Spend no time arguing that.
TB
Comment by BrokeMBA | 12.13.2008 | 7:47 am
Beautiful story. Fatty, it’s been a while since we laughed with you…uh…at you? Nah, as guys, we have all pulled something of that sort. My son managed to pee so enthusiastically that he peed all over the top of the toilet tank and the wall behind it. Sounds like you have competition in the making…
Glad to have a good story. I hope you guys are having a good day.
Comment by Kathleen | 12.13.2008 | 8:31 am
Classic. Only you Fatty. Well done.
Comment by ShimSim | 12.13.2008 | 11:36 am
This is, quite possibly (or pissibly), the funniest thing I have ever read.
Comment by VA Biker | 12.13.2008 | 4:50 pm
Written humor at its finest. I could not, would not write such a thing for public reading, though I could see myself doing the exact same thing.
Somehow, I’m envisioning a very funny Monty Python skit, circa 1973, or so…
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.13.2008 | 5:02 pm
When are people going to learn? Being a plumber but also being well read, I cam across a little booklet years ago called “The Specialist”. Here a guy that built outhouses for a living describes the how to and WHY, he did things the way he did.
His big rule, and you need to read the book, the door always swings in, not out. I think you know why now Elden.
But don’t worry because being married to one, nurses have seen it all.
-B
Comment by Bluenoser | 12.13.2008 | 5:10 pm
At least it wasn’t WADA coming for a test. Now you know what Lance feels like.
Ha.
-B
Comment by buckythedonkey | 12.14.2008 | 11:41 am
I’m with Botched. I mean, farting at the nurse would have been so much worse than waving your tackle at her while hosing down the hall.
Comment by the mom | 12.14.2008 | 2:24 pm
Approximately 100 years ago my husband and I were riding TOSRV on a tandem. I was insulted that men were so easily able to “go look at the corn” as needed.
Well, it was after being properly [over-properly?] hydrated that I needed to look at the corn, too. Beside the road, downhill a ways, I thought I found the proper coverage. Not so much, I guess. As I stood to recommence our ride I heard [complete with Doppler effect] a fellow cyclist shouting to his mate “OMG! Did you see that woman?!” I took it as a compliment.
Thanks for the encouragement to head down memory lane, Fatty
WIN
Comment by Triflefat | 12.14.2008 | 7:24 pm
Please make sure the revised mission incorporates the notion of random oxymorons sneaking in.
Smiled at the peeing story but chuckled aloud at “expanded focus”!!
Comment by Charisa | 12.15.2008 | 10:34 am
I just had to explain to my boss that I’m laughing a peeing story on a bike blog . . . that always goes over well :)
Comment by Tina C | 12.15.2008 | 10:56 am
OMG! Where is the spew warning?!? I laughed so hard, I almost choked to death….
Comment by Penny | 12.15.2008 | 11:00 am
There are TEARS in my eyes. I cannot laugh…I just had surgery. But I can say, I now want to be a visiting nurse. :P
FWIW, I would have waved with my free hand and continued peeing. (Although, I’m a girl, both my hands are free anyway.) Modesty is highly overrated.
Peeing all over your own foyer however, is truly a red letter day!!
Comment by Meredith | 12.18.2008 | 9:39 am
Frigging hilarious! I am not going to get this image out of my head all day.
My friend, who taught emotionally desturbed middle schoolers, caught one of her students doing the ‘helicopter’ in their self contained classroom bathroom. Needless to say, she sentenced him to a month of bathroom cleaning side by side with the janitor. Perhaps a punishment of that kind is in order?
Comment by Maria | 12.19.2008 | 3:50 pm
I just read this post, after lunch mind you. Hilarious! You almost made the milk come out my nose with this one Fatty.
Comment by Roger | 12.21.2008 | 7:06 pm
dude, the stuff in commercial mayo is really not good-unlike your attempt at peeing. :.))
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