Stuff that Flies
Look, I acknowledge that as a cyclist, I am an interloper. I’m invading the ecosystem in an unnatural way, moving at a crazy rate and in a crazy way. From a natural point of view, I deserve everything that’s coming my way.
But I still hate stuff in the air.
Little Clouds of Teeny Little Bugs
I don’t know for absolute certain why tiny little gnat-like flying insects hang around in cloudlike swarms, but I have a theory: they’re waiting for me. They hover, strategically, over particular roads and trails, just because they know there’s a good chance that eventually I’ll ride by. And when I do, they can fly into my hair, nose, eyes, and — for the really lucky ones — straight down my throat and into my lungs.
This, of course, causes me to hack and spit, which is just what the evil little critters want, though I do not know why.
For the rest of you who have inadvertently ridden into swarms of tiny little bugs, you have my sympathy. At least you can take comfort in the knowledge that it was unintentional. Think how awful it would be if you were me, in which case those stupid little buglets would have meant to pepper you like that.
Flies
You want to blow someone’s mind sometime? Point out to them that no matter where in the world they go, if they just watch for a moment, they’ll see a housefly. Which means that houseflies are literally everywhere.
In particular, if you’re riding and stop, even for a moment, a housefly will come over to investigate. It will be especially interested in your eyes and ears. Is it the stinky bike smell that brings them? The sound of rapid breathing? Are flies attracted to lycra? I don’t know. But I do know that thanks to flies, I take fewer and shorter breaks while riding than I otherwise would. So “kudos” to the flies, I guess. Except I still kill them whenever I can, and always feel like I have done humanity a service when I do.
I have a theory. If we ever discover life on another planet, it will be houseflies.
Bees
You know, you can’t really tell how much riding someone does by asking them how long they’ve been riding, because a lot of years riding doesn’t mean a lot of riding during those years. You know what the standard measurement of biking seniority should be? How many times you’ve been stung while riding. The more time you spend in the saddle, the more certain it is that you’re going to be stung.
So far, I have been stung:
- On the head: This was the scariest sting, and the one I remember most vividly, because there was an agonizing delay between when I knew what was going to happen, and what happened. To wit, I felt an angry thrashing between my helmet and head for about one second before I got stung. And the thing is, once you’ve had that happen, you’re freaked out by any insect in your helmet for a good long while. It probably took a full two seasons after that happened before I was able to keep riding when a bug flew into my hair. Which is to say, for about two seasons, any time a bug flew into my helmet, I would immediately stop, throw off my helmet, and swat at my head in a panic. This didn’t look as sexy as it sounds.
- On the eyelid: You know what makes a wasp angry? Getting trapped between biking glasses and a face. You know what swells up really big in practically no time at all? An eyelid stung by a wasp. You know what isn’t as funny as your friends think? “Rocky Balboa” jokes made at your expense when your eye’s swollen shut in the middle of a ride.
- Inside my mouth: So I’m just breathing along, minding my own business. I accidentally suck in a bee. I spit it out as fast as possible, natch, but it gives me a going away present. My lip swelled up to comical proportions. Strangely, though, instead of hurting a lot, it went numb. Like at the dentist. The practical effect of this was that it was very difficult for me to drink from my Camelbak without dribbling all over myself.
- On my chest, inside my jersey: This has happened three, maybe four times, and I’ve seen it happen to other cyclists at least twice that many times. Based on this preponderance of evidence, I conclude that human beings are genetically programmed to simultaneously swat at the bee while ripping one’s jersey off and yelling “Gragght!” So far, I have never seen any of these things wind up being helpful.
Big Insects at High Speed
I have never been shot by a high caliber bullet, but I have hit a grasshopper with the the tip of my nose while descending on my road bike at more than 40mph.
I figure the feeling can’t be too dissimilar.
PS: This post rescued from my Spaces archive. Originally posted 9/29/2006.
Comment by KK | 03.5.2009 | 4:46 am
You might rationalize ingested flies and gnats and bugs as Nature’s own Shot Bloks. Bees and wasps, not so much. I’ve been stung by a bee and hit by a car on the same ride. The bee sting hurt more, and hurt longer.
Comment by Kevin | 03.5.2009 | 5:14 am
My favorite are spiders – their favorite spot to string their webs is right across the trail, about 6-7 ft. high, and the really big ones will sit dead center on them waiting for unsuspecting arachnophobic riders to hit them. Since I’m the only one in the group that doesn’t scream like a girl and ride straight in to a tree, rock, or another rider when I hit one, I’m always the lead rider on the first lap. It’s not too bad, really – unless they get tangled up in your helmet their natural instinct is to drop straight down, so they only tag along for a few seconds.
Comment by Mike Roadie | 03.5.2009 | 6:34 am
We get what they call down here “no-see-ums”, which are like clouds of gnats. You spend the next 15 minutes spitting them out………
WIN
Comment by RachelGio | 03.5.2009 | 6:41 am
OMG…I’ve been stung in 3 of the 4 places! The one on my eye–I’m riding home, waiting to die because I’m allergic to some bees, sobbing quietly, wondering how far it will be before I just fall over like Arte Johnson, only dead. The one in my helmet made me have a spectacular high speed wreck with a curb that involved a somersault but sorta sideways (what is that…a roundoff?) whilst still clipped in. BTW, having hairspray or gel in your hair only increases the likelihood that the bee will get REALLY stuck. I spent at least 2 seasons contemplating a mesh “shower cap” to go over my helmet after this incident.
Comment by Jeff | 03.5.2009 | 6:52 am
I think bees like jerseys because of the bright colors. They think we’re big flowers motoring down the trail and they want to get our nectar.
And as for the large bug at high-speeds…I had the wind knocked out of my by something hitting me in the chest at 40 mph. Not cool.
Comment by JOn | 03.5.2009 | 6:52 am
My favorite are the horse and deer flies. They are swell.
Comment by Jenny-Jenny | 03.5.2009 | 7:19 am
Sitting by myself at five a.m laughing out loud! I guess I haven’t ridden long enough…no bee stories yet. Dogs and broken shoulders…no bees.
Comment by Weiland | 03.5.2009 | 7:21 am
I haven’t had the pleasure of bitten by a rattlesnake yet but this one is along a hike and bike trail:
And of course there’s the Snake Crossing warning at the veloway (a paved 3 mile bike path).
Photo via http://mtblawgirl.blogspot.com/2009/02/we-are-experiencing-gorgeous-weather.html
Comment by Argus | 03.5.2009 | 7:26 am
Never been stung by a bee, they just try to pollinate me, Red hair.
Comment by Matt | 03.5.2009 | 7:33 am
Gnats and Bees: my experience is eerily similar. bees on the chest, gnats in every orifice.
ARGUS I have red hair too… Don’t worry, I’m launching an investigation now, I’ll let you know what I find, but I smell a conspiracy.
Matt
Christian2.0
Comment by Kala | 03.5.2009 | 8:20 am
I absolutely despise swarms of gnats. Gar. Why do they have to travel by the thousands?!
Comment by Dave in Lehi | 03.5.2009 | 8:44 am
Now I have proof to show my wife. She didn’t believe me that a wasp hit me in the neck, bounced off, hit me again, but this time fell down my unzipped jersey and then stung me in the belly button before I got it out.
Comment by WheelDancer | 03.5.2009 | 8:45 am
Well this post has just downgraded my riding prowess since even though I think I ride alot, I just found out that I don’t actually ride at all since in almost 40 years of riding I have never been stung by a bee while on the bike. Gnats and clouds of mosquitoes however figure into my nutrition planning during certain times of the year when they are so very thick.
Comment by Jim | 03.5.2009 | 8:51 am
A bee that I swallowed mid-ride, which stung me in the throat as it went down, cured me of a really bad sore throat. I found out later that the Chinese use bee stings for therapeutic purposes. I guess that which does not kill us with anaphylactic shock, makes us stronger. Details here if you care for that kind of thing:
http://unholyrouleur-jim.blogspot.com/2007/05/be-all-that-you-can-beeeeee.html
Comment by stuckinmypedals | 03.5.2009 | 9:03 am
The flying things that bother me most when riding are birds. Geese hiss at me. Vultures pop out of the brush and scare me. Worst of all is when they poop on me. I’ll take gnats over birds any day.
Comment by BikeCopVT | 03.5.2009 | 9:40 am
I hear you on the gnats. I have been lucky enough not to get stung by a bee though. I have gotten a few honey bees in the glasses while on a decent. If you have done this you know vision…not so good after whacking a honey bee. The most interesting however, was getting home from a ride taking off my helmet and having a rather large dragon fly take off from the inside. I guess he got sucked in through one of the vents and couldn’t work his way back out.
Win Susan
Elden Won!
LiveStrong!!
Comment by Skidmark | 03.5.2009 | 10:08 am
Yeah … The forehead sting didn’t really hurt, but it produced a headache the likes of which I never hope to experience again. It’s cruel, but kind of funny to watch riders when a bee gets in the helmet-to-head gap. I was behind a guy a while ago who suddenly started tearing at his helmet while accelerating into a sprint. Helmet came off and was hurled to the asphalt. Bee.
Comment by Bob | 03.5.2009 | 10:11 am
Houseflies – ha, try horseflies. They fly laps around you while you’re riding, waiting for a chance to land and bite. The only good thing is that they are territorial, so keep going and you’ll get away from that one, but then you’re in the next one’s territory. Then at twilight, they start to hover in the center of the trail so you’re bound to get smacked in the face by a few.
Comment by Dave | 03.5.2009 | 10:22 am
I was rapidly descending in full tuck when a bee hit me in the crotchal region. The collision wasn’t too bad – at least for me. But apparently the bee thought I had some malevolent motive. The little devil stung me right through the lycra in the uppermost, inner thigh – right at the edge of the chaomois. Needless to say the rest of my ride was a standing, bowl-legged affair.
Comment by Aaron | 03.5.2009 | 10:33 am
Yeah, I agree with the Horse/deer flies. Those things will draw blood!
Comment by 29er | 03.5.2009 | 10:51 am
And what kind of evil creature can sting more than once? I have had multiple stings by the same bug and so has my friend.
Comment by LidsB2 | 03.5.2009 | 11:12 am
I’ve been hit 5 times by one wasp. Does that make me an experienced rider? The nasty little critter got himself wedged between my helmet and the frame of my glasses. I threaded the needle between several trees as I swerved off the trail when navigation suddenly became my lowest priority — better lucky than good. The 5 stings traced a very precise line along one eyebrow, which conveniently caused that entire side of my face to go numb. I’ll take gnats over bees/wasps any day.
Comment by Marianne | 03.5.2009 | 12:03 pm
Stinging flies. When we ride by the eastern shore of Maryland during certain times of the year, they attack leaving a nasty trail of painful, large welts – and the flies keep biting, they don’t die.
Comment by bikemike | 03.5.2009 | 12:03 pm
we all need oakleys for our entire bodies…they can stop a shotgun blast at 15 feet.
Comment by lphagler | 03.5.2009 | 12:48 pm
I’ve been reading this blog for quite a while but have never commented, but I had to do it today.
Regarding the wasps – I was riding down a moderate hill at about 30 mph and ran into a wasp dead center about six inches below my chin. Not only did it fall down into my jersey, it followed my cleavage into my sports bra where it proceeded to sting me.
So here I am trying to find a place to stop while also slapping myself in the chest multiple times and looking like a complete idiot. I would have ripped my jersey off if it had done any good, but taking the bra off was not an option. Not because of the “flashing traffic” issue, but because they’re hard enough to take off when not on a bike and sweaty from about 2 hours of riding.
I ended up with what looked like a giant hickey on my “chest” – try explaining that to your husband.
However, on the bright side, the world ended up with one less wasp at the end of it all!
Comment by Tinker | 03.5.2009 | 1:17 pm
Was riding through the Texas Hill Country on my Yamaha XS750G, at 65 mph, and smacked into a wasp, right in the teeth. They taste TERRIBLE. Luckily such an attack by a wasp is SUICIDE, so at least its fairly safe, IF you do not puke. The Austin area is almost paradise for both motorcyclists and bicyclists, wasps are the reason for the “almost”.
Comment by Jay Los Angeles | 03.5.2009 | 2:50 pm
As runner when I was way younger i used to marvel at the bees following me around when i ran in griffith Park in Los Angeles. I finally realized that with our school colors being crimson and gold that they were eyeing my golden shorts as being flowers. Did I learn my lesson….hell no. I almost always wear yellow jerseys when I ride. Not because I’m that fond of the color but because it makes me more visible to drivers. Out on a long ride with a group one day a bee hits my helmet and falls onto my crotch where it stings me through my shorts. All i can say is……OUCH!!! I just didn’t deserve that. Don’t even get me started on gnats.
Comment by donbiker | 03.5.2009 | 5:31 pm
Robins love to eat fermented pyracantha berries and get high. One day I passed a bush right at the peak of a robin orgy and was enveloped by a cloud of tipsy robins. Amazingly, not one of them hit me. I almost fell off my bike laughing.
Comment by Skidmark | 03.5.2009 | 6:26 pm
What’s the last thing going through a bug’s mind when it collides with you at 50 mph?
Its arsehole!
Comment by bubbaseadog | 03.5.2009 | 7:55 pm
down herein texas we got what we cyclist like to call double f$#@%^&*&^%bugs and they hang around in swarms on backroads an hiway shoulders..too say the least they are annoying and nasty cause you really dont know what there doin all front to back or back to front.but you got a pretty good guess. any way they can mess up an early spring mornin ride or walk for that matter. be careful out there and win susan
Comment by Don | 03.5.2009 | 10:26 pm
OK, Im about to throw up over the bee stuff… I’ll just be honest.
BUT! I just can’t help but think:
Comment by Martin | 03.6.2009 | 8:23 am
From what I read you have lack of mosquitoes where you ride. It goes like this: you ride uphill, temperature is close to 30C (that’s 86.0 F in Utah), your speed is well below the first escape velocity (cca 12km/h, 7.46 mph in Utah) hence you can’t escape from swarms of 5 milligram vampires. You can’t stop or they’ll eat you alive, you can’t go faster cause, well, it’s a steep uphill. Place is Slovakia, but you can have the pleasure anywhere with lots of slow waters.
Comment by Kt | 03.6.2009 | 3:20 pm
I got stung at the base of my throat– right between the collar bones– one morning on the way to work by a yellow jacket.
It was about 7:20 am, and cold that morning, as I waited for the light to change to green. WHY there were yellow jackets up and about that early and in that cold, I will never know. I even had my jacket zipped up to my chin.
It hurt a lot.
Scariest bee moment: when a bee flew into my sports bra, climbed around trying to find the exit, and then flew off. That was the weirdest feeling in the world, I freaked out and almost crashed into the ditch trying to stop, unzip my jersey, lean over and get it OUT all at the same time. I gots skillz. My boyfriend got stung about 15 minutes later in that ride, he felt the yellowjacket hit him in the side and sting, so he pinched it in his jersey and pulled over. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing!
Lucky, we’re not allergic.
Comment by Djjazzyeric | 03.6.2009 | 4:16 pm
Once on a ride I was stung in the thigh by a bee, then had three large chunks taken our of me by a deerfly that had flown down my jersey. I had a witness to the horror of the blood runing down my chest and back.
I’ve also been stung on the tongue by a wasp. NOT a pleasant feeling.
Comment by Margo | 03.6.2009 | 4:58 pm
Ugh. I used to ride a motorcycle, with one of those full-face helmets. I was riding one warm day with the plastic faceshield down. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving and realized that it was a wasp walking on the inside my helmet. I have no idea how long it had been there – it would have been extremely difficult for anything to get in the helmet with the shield down, so my guess is that it was there a while. (Otherwise, it walked up my neck to get in there, which might be more frightening.) I slammed on the brakes, ripped my gloves off before the bike was even really stopped and then ripped off my helmet. The thing didn’t actually sting me, but it did sort of terrify me. The funniest part was that when my friends saw what I was doing, they knew what must have happened – no one rips off their gear that fast unless something’s crawling in it.
Comment by Dee | 03.8.2009 | 12:10 pm
Your bee stories are hilarious, Fatty!
I suppose I am lu-cky!
I have not been stung while riding.
I have swallowed my fair share of harmless bugs.
My husband has been hit by bees, but they bounced off. The scariest flying things he’s dodged were wild turkeys…on more than one occasion.
Comment by wirehead | 03.11.2009 | 7:45 pm
Worst gnat story:
I was riding along with the yellow lenses in my glasses. It’s foggy, so I take off my glasses for a bit.
*then* we ride through a cloud of ‘em. And I get hit in the eyes, enough to cause there to be a red spot on my eye that freaked my wife out and thus caused me to have to inspect the eyeballs for the next week or two.