I am Not Sorry. (I’m Sorry!)
A Note from Fatty About the Current Contest: Monday, I promised that today i would reveal who the mystery rider will be in the “Pick an Ibis, (Nearly) Any Ibis” contest. You know, the one where you could win an Ibis Silk SL, a Mojo, a Tranny, or a Hakkalugi, then choose a place where you’d like to ride it, and then meet Chuck Ibis, a mystery rider, and me for a ride there.
But really, in terms of sheer awesomeness, the part I did not reveal was the part that goes to 11. But let’s start with a hint. Here’s his legs (in the background of this photo by Arnaud Bachelard, Chuck is politely asking the dog to stop biting his knee):
What, you still don’t know who it is?
OK, maybe this will help:
Yes, that’s right. If you win this contest, you will get to ride with Andy Freaking Hampsten. The winner of the 1988 Giro d’Italia. And two-time winner of the Tour de Suisse. And now the owner of Cinghiale Cycling Tours.
He’s a legend. An honest-to-goodness cycling icon. And good guy.
And you can ride with him (and you will note that I have cleverly arranged so that no matter who else wins, I will get to ride with him too) if you win this contest.
And then there’s the not-minor fact that you could be doing this ride with Andy Hampsten on your new Silk SL:
Though Andy’s totally happy to ride dirt or a combination of road and dirt with you instead, if that’s your thing.
On Monday, when I leaked to Mark (I’m terrible at secret keeping) that it’s Andy who will be the mystery rider, Mark said, “The coolness factor of this contest just doubled.” I believe that is probably true for anyone who really loves cycling.
Of course, if you read BikeRadar, you’ll notice they somehow found out about Andy Hampsten (from Mark, perhaps?) and published it yesterday. Since this leak directed all kinds of traffic toward the contest, I’m all for it.
So, those of you who have been on the fence about this contest (though frankly I don’t know why you would be on the fence about this contest), go enter now.
And now, on to today’s actual post.
I Am Not Sorry. (Sorry!) Really, I’m Not Sorry. (So Sorry.)
I am sometimes reluctant to take people new to cycling on rides with me. No, not because they’re new and will slow me down. I expect that. That doesn’t bother me at all.
But it clearly bothers them a lot.
Most people — neighbors, friends, family — I take out on rides spend between 30% and 90% of their talking time apologizing for slowing me down, making me wait, and in general not magically being as good of a cyclist as I am, even though I’ve been doing this for close to two decades and it’s their first time out since puberty.
“It’s totally fine,” I will usually begin.
“I’m riding with you for the company, not to race, so don’t worry about it,” I will later say.
“Seriously, I’m having fun. Stop worrying,” I will plea, eventually.
“OK, one more ’sorry’ from you and I’m slashing your tires,” is generally my final tactic for trying to stop the apologies. Which causes nervous laughter, mainly because I can — at will — summon a gleam of madness to my eyes. Next time you see me, ask me to do it. It’s an awesome party trick.
For the longest time, I have had a hard time understanding why people will continue to apologize, when I’ve made it clear that I don’t need — or want — an apology?
But now I understand. Because I’m scheduled to go running with someone — a strong runner, someone who regularly runs marathons — today (I’ve got this notion that next season I might do some Xterra races).
And I find myself apologizing already.
I find that I am saying the exact same things to this runner that my non-cycling friends and neighbors say to me when we ride.
I say, “I’m really going to hold you back.”
And, “I hope you already got a workout in today, because you won’t get one when we run.”
And, “I won’t so much be running as moving my arms as if I were running, while I actually shuffle lamely.”
Please note, I have said all these things before the running has even started.
So I’ve been gazing introspectively and deeply into my soul, asking myself the age-old question: “What is wrong with me?” After all, I know this runner knows I am not a runner. I know she knows I will be slow. I know this will be an easy, no-effort outing for her, after which she will almost certainly go get her real run for the day in.
And yet.
I think, though, I now get why new cyclists apologize to me when we ride. It’s for the same reason I’m — against my will — preparing a lengthy list of apologies to use.
It’s because, secretly, in my heart of hearts, I hope to hear, in response to my apology, “Well, you know, actually you’re a natural. I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t want to swell your head, but you are pushing me. I am absolutely at my limit, and am starting to cramp up. I honestly do not believe I can hold the blistering pace you are setting.”
And so on.
Which is a useful thing to know, really. So the next time I ride with someone new, I’m going to wait for that first apology, and then say, “I can’t believe you are apologizing! You are doing great! Seriously, you used to ride competitively, right?”
And, in the off chance that the runner I’m about to be crushed by reads this, I’d appreciate it if you’d memorize either or both of the above quotes and use them as appropriate.
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
PS: Sorry I’m going to be so slow!
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 10.15.2009 | 8:32 am
xterra races?
Comment by Eufemiano Fuentes | 10.15.2009 | 8:33 am
you mean like try ath a lons?
Comment by Paul | 10.15.2009 | 8:35 am
I’d been thinking this even before the mystery guest was announced, in the exceedingly unlikely event that I were to win the prize. So just in case I do…
You know how some people will modestly claim that they’re not that fast? Well I’m *actually* not that fast. In fact I’m actively slow, if it’s possible to use those two words together.
You have been warned, just in case.
Comment by Anonymous | 10.15.2009 | 8:35 am
brilliant, Fatty.
Comment by axel in texas | 10.15.2009 | 8:41 am
make sure Andy Hampsten memorizes those lines when he rides with me (or some other winner) ’cause I know I’ll be slowing him down climbing up brasstown bald (or whatever other good ride we come up with…)
Comment by chtrich | 10.15.2009 | 8:43 am
Fatty, for your rememberance….
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2005/10/15/i-shall-run-no-more-forever/
Classic!
Have fun.
Comment by Mike at The Big Stick | 10.15.2009 | 8:46 am
I think I have a similar fear which is why I never play golf with my father-in-law who is a repeat winner of his club’s championship and a hell of an amateur player. The only golfing I have ever done is charity scrambles for work and the occasional par-3 where we played with two clubs and turned it into a drinking game. I also suspect that when I apologized to my father-in-law he would not be as nice as you are. He would say something like, “When you said you sucked at golf you were really over-selling your abilities.”
Comment by Big Boned | 10.15.2009 | 8:55 am
Fatty,
Really…xterra.
Oh, I’ve done them, but that was before I was a cyclist. Do you know how SHORT those races are? You’ll barely get in your groove before you have to switch sports and do something else (badly).
I won’t hold it against you that you are becoming a tri-geek, but I WILL tell people I remember when you were a cyclist (a real one)!
BB
Comment by Big Boned | 10.15.2009 | 8:56 am
P.S. The contest ROCKS. Can I run instead of ride with you, Andy and Chuck if I win?
Comment by GenghisKhan | 10.15.2009 | 8:57 am
Fatty, you are making me cramp up! Thanks, of course and wow on the contest. I can’t wait for the next one when you maybe raffle off a stable of rides or perhaps a small cycling company or maybe a medium sizec Greek island…
Comment by KanyonKris | 10.15.2009 | 9:07 am
My #1 take-away from this post:
Andy Hampsten doesn’t shave his legs!
He’s my new hero.
Comment by Zed | 10.15.2009 | 9:21 am
Fatty, since I know you’re not going to read this until after you get back, I have to ask you something: Are your calves KILLING you right now?
Yeah, I’m chasing a time for this year’s thanxgiving day 5k, so I just started running too. I’m about to turn down a sweet road ride for a run today (what’s WRONG WITH ME?). But let me just say, OUCH, my calves are SORE!
Good for you on the Xterra. I seriously considered doing the Ogden one this year, but then I remembered that I can only barely swim and that running tends to leave me injured (again, what am I thinking right now?). So I scratched on the Xterra and did a hillclimb instead. Hey, but rumor has it awesome mountain bikers dominate Xterra races. Sure, you’ll get out of the water a half hour behind, but you’ll finish the bike first and then kick everyone’s butt on the run.
Just an idea: Do the Fourth Street Triathlon at the UofU in April for an Xterra warm-up. It’s mega short, but it’s a pool swim, a mountain bike ride and a (rumor has it) tough 5k. Oh, and it benefits the Fourth Street Clinic.
http://4thstreettri.blogspot.com/
Comment by Paul | 10.15.2009 | 9:27 am
ooooh yes. I’ve been on both sides of this. Biking, obviously, though more recently it’s with partner dancing. All the martial arts experience in the world isn’t helping me be a graceful lead.
Also happens with music. I’m a new cello player (2 years is still beginner/intermediate). And yet i’ve been there: listening to someone else play a piece of music, making tiny mistakes and apologizing for every one. Then the same thing happens to me when I’m playing. gah.
Comment by Marla Gnarla | 10.15.2009 | 9:33 am
Andy Freaking Hampsten!! Seriously? That’s so awesome!!
Comment by mark | 10.15.2009 | 9:48 am
Um, I didn’t even tell Rachel about Andy Hampsten. Or Mark, Dug, Kris, Rick, Alex, Jon, Jamie…
Comment by SteveS | 10.15.2009 | 9:56 am
Fatty,
As one who has transitioned from cycling to running because the economy forced me to sell my bike, just one word of advice:
bike muscles are not the same as running muscles.
I’m sure you know this already, at least in abstract, philosophical terms. But I highly recommend you ease into running (that is, unless you _want_ to be really, really sore for 3-5 days, incapable of getting _any_ real exercise while you recover). Even at peak cardiovascular fitness and ideal body weight, running has much more impact on your joints, and uses different muscle groups, particularly in the lower leg and foot. And even if during the run you find your brain saying, “this running stuff isn’t too hard; I can push harder without cracking”, you’re going to feel it the next day (and many days after) if you give in to the temptation to push it. Ease in for a week or two, then start pushing.
Cheers
Comment by Michael in TN | 10.15.2009 | 9:57 am
As if riding with you and Chuck wasn’t itimidating enough. Very cool.
Also, your beloved Cutter man-pris are on sale at bonktown for 69.99 for the next twenty minutes.
Of course, you probably have a whole box full now after that posting.
Comment by JB | 10.15.2009 | 10:03 am
Seriously Fatty, running? I went back and read that running no more post….did you? I was the same as you, ran until the injury light went on and got on a bike. I recently was on a vacation and got talked into going for a “fun run” with some good runners. tooled along with them just fine for a little more than an hour, about five miles up and down hills. Next morning….CRAP! could barely get out of bed my calves were so sore. How do yours feel?
GREAT CONTEST!
Comment by Seattlegirlz | 10.15.2009 | 10:05 am
Hey Fatty!
Just signed up for the Austin ride. Any pre ride fatty parties in the works? We are coming from Seattle and will be looking forward to the big ride and perhaps meeting our blogging idol, er uh… you.
Thanks,
The Girlz
Comment by Aaron | 10.15.2009 | 10:08 am
Cool contest.
Didn’t they invent bikes, so you don’t have to run??
Comment by Kathy McElhaney | 10.15.2009 | 10:11 am
My husband is a cyclist who occasionally runs with me. I hear “sorry” almost the entire time, even when I cut the distance in half. And since I do not own a bike, he doesn’t have to deal with me say “sorry”!
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.15.2009 | 10:29 am
Seattlegirlz:
We are so far meeting at The Cedar Door (Second and Brazos) around noonish to meet and greet….unless things change.
Welcome to the Team!!
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.15.2009 | 10:30 am
I am just going to go ahead NOW and apologize for slowing you down!
FLS
Comment by Tom F | 10.15.2009 | 10:33 am
You nailed it. I’m a fairly new rider and I have been going to pick-up rides posted on a local biking web site. Almost always, they are a bit faster. I learned to just “shut up and pedal” versus apologizing. They do seem to appreciate seeing that I am giving it my all to keep up when they have to hold back a little to let me get back in the pack or wait at the top of a longer climb. And they get a huge kick when they see improvement between rides.
Comment by rabidrunner | 10.15.2009 | 10:48 am
I am in so in your shoes right now. ‘Cept I’m learning to bike. (Biker friend has asked me to ride Payson Canyon with her on Saturday. Get the butterflies every time I attempt to consider it.) Wouldn’t it be weird if your running friend was helping me learn to ride a bike? Stranger things have happened.
Comment by graisseux | 10.15.2009 | 11:49 am
Is an Xterra “race” the same as an Xterra “triathlon”?
Pingback by Chuck Ibis :: Chuck Spew :: » Ernie Joins Chuck and Fatty to Fight Nasty Cancer | 10.15.2009 | 11:50 am
[...] but somehow the identity of our mystery ex-pro was leaked to the foreign press yesterday. Today, Fatty showed us a picture of his (now) hairy legs (taken by our good friend Arnaud [...]
Comment by Lisa | 10.15.2009 | 11:50 am
This used to happen to me all the time when I went skiing with people who were not very good skiers or at least not as good as I was because I was a very strong skier.
My solution was to use the equalizer of my telemark skis or snowboard, instead of my downhill skis and tell them that they were harder for me to use and that it was just as fun for me to go slower and at the same time to teach them things.
This assumes that they do not have an issue with their ego and want to learn from someone who is stronger in the sport than they are instead of worrying about being competitive with someone who is clearly ahead on the learning curve and has put their time in since most sports are “time sports” that require time and effort to reach high levels of performance.
There are always ways to bridge the gap between a beginner and advanced athlete in a sport. The advanced athlete can always return to “beginner’s mind” and learn something by teaching and the novice can always reach new heights through the inspiration of someone who has reached high levels of performance.
Some of my best days on the slopes have been with beginners, especially young ones, who did not have the ego problem and just wanted to have fun, which, from looking at Andy’s touring website, is what his business is all about.
Comment by Missy Litzinger | 10.15.2009 | 11:54 am
I don’t bike or know much about bikes or any PHYSICAL sport but I like this blog. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Chris | 10.15.2009 | 12:03 pm
Best things about doing triathlons after only cycling is seeing how many people you will pass on the bike leg of the race. You get out of the water far behind the leader, but pass like 75 people before the run.
Worse part is getting passed by 30 or so people on the run.
Comment by ChefJT | 10.15.2009 | 12:46 pm
The awesomeness of the contest and the chance to ride with Andy (and you, of course, Fatty) is only upstaged by the site of the Oakley Eyeshades Andy is wearing. Could start a whole new retro fashion look.
Gotta go. I know mine are in the garage…or the attic…or the basement….did I see them in the trunk of the car?….
Comment by Swami Wheelo | 10.15.2009 | 12:50 pm
Snowball Hampsten? I think I will have to rob a bank, then donate it all.
Fatty, you never cease to amaze me.
Comment by AngieG | 10.15.2009 | 12:51 pm
Oh Fatty I can totally relate to this. Being somewhat new to cycling I find the sorry’s coming out a lot.
I have already started apologizing to MattC and GregC for being so slow in Austin. However I am certain they will not wait for me.:-)
Or maybe since I am bringing their bikes I should use that as leverage? If you don’t wait for me I will hold your bike hostage after the ride? Maybe I could send them cryptic ransom messages made from letters cut from magazines and glued to paper. MUUAAAHHHHH!
Very evil I should say. :-)
Comment by nosferaustin | 10.15.2009 | 1:03 pm
What mountain pass will have enough snow on the road to make this ride epic if I win?!?
I’m looking forward to meeting everyone at the Cedar Door next Saturday…almost as much as I’m just looking forward to being back home in Austin!
Steven
Comment by Rupert | 10.15.2009 | 1:05 pm
I have recently eased back into running (slowly) after years of exclusively cycling. I found that after just a few weeks of occasional running my legs no longer feel like 2×4s when I run. So good luck on that. Now if I could only swim…
Comment by Di | 10.15.2009 | 1:18 pm
I can’t get over the fact that the guy is riding a road bike with skinny tires in the snow. I would have my mountain bike with KNOBBIES out.
Comment by Will | 10.15.2009 | 1:20 pm
Good. Now when I ride my new Ibis with you I won’t have to apologize for being a newb
Comment by centurion | 10.15.2009 | 1:23 pm
I joining my wife at her spin class tonight for the first time, I hope she read this.
Comment by Bryan (not that one) | 10.15.2009 | 1:45 pm
That was funny. My wife always apologizes when she rides with me. I try to tell her that I’m just so happy to be riding with her that I’m fine going at any speed. And then she apologizes again…
Comment by FNEditor | 10.15.2009 | 2:34 pm
I know how you feel about being too slow. When I go ride with my husband he literally rides circles around me. He says I go too slow for even his recovery rides. I should make him memorize those lines too. Telling your wife you’re too slow for a recovery ride isn’t exactly chivalrous.
Comment by Seattlegirlz | 10.15.2009 | 3:50 pm
@mike roadie
Comment by Mike Roadie | 10.15.2009 | 10:29 am
“Seattlegirlz:
We are so far meeting at The Cedar Door (Second and Brazos) around noonish to meet and greet….unless things change.
Welcome to the Team!!”
I’m assuming this is on Saturday? Don’t want to be an ASS for assuming but it’s happened before. Preemptory apology: sorryyyyyy.
girlz from seattle
Comment by Mtbnomore | 10.15.2009 | 4:26 pm
Running is just as addicting as riding, but instead of looking forward to the run itself, I look forward to the feeling of being done with it. Sort of the exact opposite of riding a bike.
Comment by Jane | 10.15.2009 | 5:00 pm
Time to try ride and tie.
http://www.rideandtie.org/index.php
Comment by Charisa | 10.15.2009 | 6:40 pm
No no – you have it all wrong. People say this to you because you are WORLD-CLASS-FAST!? How did you miss this?!
Comment by Anne | 10.15.2009 | 8:13 pm
Heck, skip the bike … getting to ride with Andy would be very cool
Comment by crispy | 10.15.2009 | 8:32 pm
I used to come read your blog because you were an average guy, who was an average rider, who happened to be really, really funny. And you wrote about and made fun of things every amateur cyclist suffers through, and it was funny because I could relate to what you wrote about in a very personal way.
But I can’t relate to holding a contest where the winner rides with a cycling icon. Your blog has ceased to be funny; now it’s about contests and raising money for cancer research. Which is all well and good, don’t get me wrong. You’re doing good things for cancer patients everywhere, and good things for our sport.
But it’s not why I come to your blog. The humor that could make me howl with laughter is gone. So I don’t think I’ll be checking back here very often.
Good plan. I don’t come ’round here myself anymore much either, to tell the truth. You know what site is really funny, without that meddlesome trying-to-do-your-part-to-help-the-world stuff that’s such a downer? Those sites that do funny captions with cats! I LOVE those! You should bookmark those sites. Right away. In fact, I’m going to go look at some of those sites right now! – FC
Comment by Rose | 10.15.2009 | 8:44 pm
Buh-bye Crispy. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Comment by jacked | 10.15.2009 | 9:02 pm
Donation made. The entries are nice, but it would be hard for me to make a choice on the bike or the location…. I’ll worry about that if I win. In the mean time keep doing what you are doing, making us laugh, making us cry, raising money to fight this damned disease and being a great Dad.
Looking forward to possibly meeting you in Austin next week. When I see what the Fat Cyclists have done this year alone, it makes our $145k in six years at the Tour de Road America seem like a drop in the bucket. But we will keep filling that bucket, hopefully with a little motivation from FC stellar performance this year we can close the gap a bit.
Also looking forward to November when my newt FC gear comes along, I sure could use those arm warmers now! We’re dipping below freezing again tonight:)
David
TdRA Jersey Guy
Comment by justrun | 10.15.2009 | 9:25 pm
There’s so much on which to comment, but all that my hands want to type is: YAY! Running!
Comment by brian c | 10.15.2009 | 9:36 pm
I rode with my brother earlier this year who is waaay faster than me.
He had a good way of handling it – he just kept commenting on how much better I was doing than the last people he did that ride with…
Comment by Kathleen@ForgingAhead | 10.15.2009 | 11:10 pm
Did you know Charisa just got on the podium at Kona last weekend? I’d ask her for triathlon tips :-)
Terrific contest Fatty!
Comment by Dan O | 10.15.2009 | 11:14 pm
Andy Hampsten – man, that’s cool. I’m calculating how many chances I can afford before pulling the lever (not many). Gotta be in it to win it.
Running is torture, pure and simple – to be avoided at all cost. I tried a ‘cross race recently and my legs hurt in places I didn’t know I had.
It was fun though, even with the running…..
Comment by Rantwick | 10.15.2009 | 11:35 pm
Uber-praise is a wonderful, wonderful idea. I am going to try it for sure. Nice post.
Comment by Sasha | 10.16.2009 | 12:34 am
Um, I’m with Rose. Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye crispy and I personally hope the door hits you on the way out. Hard. Ooops, did I just type that? *evil grin*
Fatty, personally, and NO offense to Andy, but I am entering for a chance to meet you and ride with you (road bike please, cause I’d die on a trail, unless there weren’t any hills, and you rode a bmx bike, and you wore a 80 lb pack. :) I LOVE running. The problem is that I’m not very good at it and I’m very impatient. I can’t run anywhere fast. I can, however, bike pretty fast and hold my own. Since I’ve discovered biking, I’ve stopped running though I expect to pick it up again now that winter is almost here. And a new bike would be awesome, but meeting the man behind the blog would be the ultimate prize for me! :)
Anyhow, good luck with that run. :) And keep the contests coming! Can we collaborate on getting you up to Alaska for a celebrity ride (hint: you’re the celebrity). Seriously. :) I know people and how cool would it be for you to ride in the biggest state in the nation? We even have single track up here. Riding a road bike is quite an experience as well. :)
Keep up the good work fighing cancer! Fight like Susan!
Comment by buckythedonkey | 10.16.2009 | 1:04 am
Andy Hampsten. What a legend! As Fatty says, he won the ‘88 Giro d’Italia but it was the style in which he won it that made him a legend.
In his own words, Andy Hampsten’s account of his day in the snow on the Gavia in ‘88:
http://www.pezcyclingnews.com/?pg=fullstory&id=5499
Fantastic! WIN!
Comment by Born 4 Lycra | 10.16.2009 | 7:56 am
Crispy why did you even bother to write?
Bucky thanks for the link it just filled in a huge gap in my knowledge base. Sounds like Andy is worthy of joining FC on this ride.
Comment by seano | 10.16.2009 | 8:17 am
where can I guy that poster? I’ve got to have it with the route profile on it…
Comment by Dan O | 10.16.2009 | 8:35 am
Putting some yellow tires on the OLD Ibis for Austin next week, hopefully will be adding a NEW Ibis to keep the OLD one company. Oh yeah, riding with fatty would be cool too!
Austin here we come!
life is good
Comment by kenny | 10.16.2009 | 8:56 am
Running? Are you kidding me? xterra? I don’t think I’ll be checking back here… very often.
Comment by kRIS | 10.16.2009 | 9:05 am
Fatty your introduction to the dark side has begun…sure your a cyclist, sure what’s a little tri,next thing you know your running marathons lol
Stick with the running and you will be fat no more for life. I expect a full report tommorrow. And remember your first 2 miles is the hardest you will ever run!
Kris
Comment by RyanT | 10.16.2009 | 9:22 am
Kenny I think we need to plan an intervention and nip this thing in the bud before it gets serious.
Comment by Outdoor Outlet Boulder | 10.16.2009 | 9:52 am
Hampsten’s sunglasses are awesome.
Pingback by Win an Ibis! | fourwhitefeet | 10.16.2009 | 9:58 am
[...] to win an Ibis bike of your choice. Even better if you win you get to ride your new bike with Andy Hampsten; my favorite cyclist after Connie Carpenter. Am I showing my [...]
Comment by gregc | 10.16.2009 | 9:59 am
Angie is scaring me, threatening to hold Matt and my bikes hostage if we ride too fast. Maybe I will have to reconsider my strategy to ride as hard as I can in the beginning to crush as many people (well at least Matt anyway). At least for me, there are always stronger/ faster riders that demoralize & crush you- its demoralizing most of the time when someone goes past me so fast that I might as well be walking my bike. Maybe a peace offering Angie- what’s your price?
Comment by AngieG | 10.16.2009 | 11:47 am
I can’t be bought! My integrity standards are too high for that. Drop me and bikes are toast!! It’s that simple.
Comment by Big Mike In Oz | 10.16.2009 | 6:55 pm
What’s happening to cycling etiquette and fashion. Lance with his crazy long black socks and now Andy Hampsten with enough hair on his legs to be mistaken for Magilla Gorilla.