The Runner and I are currently looking at the ocean and eating a cheese Danish at the mile 75 rest stop of Levi’s Gran Fondo. It’s sunny, 75 degrees and perfect for an epic road ride. Biking doesn’t get any better than this. For real.
The night started off so pleasantly. Really, it did. Somehow, I managed to get an invitation to the Festa del Fondo — a posh dinner and auction benefiting the really excellent causes Levi’s GranFondo is getting behind.
Oh, sure, I clowned around a little bit. For example, when I got the chance to inspect the Team RadioShack-edition Trek Madone frame that was going up for auction, I licked the top tube.
Also, I kept demanding larger portions of each course during the meal, and I suppose I may have been asking for unacceptable condiments (mayo, ketchup, fry sauce, Thousand-Island dressing) for my food.
And I wore the artfully-folded napkin as a hat.
But — by and large — I acted downright respectable. Apart from immediately posting what was supposed to be an off-the-record announcement, I mean.
Everything Goes Sideways
So, like everyone else, I wanted to get my picture taken with Levi. I figured it would be fine. I mean, he was smiling and being friendly with everyone. The perfect host.
Sure, I was a little nervous. After all, I’ve recently posted a recap of most of the Levi-related stuff I’ve put on this blog.
But — surely — he wouldn’t have seen that. Or if he had, he’d have realized I was just kidding around. Ha ha. Right?
So I went up and got a picture with Levi.
See? All smiles. (Interesting side note: Levi and I are exactly the same height, but I weigh 50% more.)
And then. And then. From nowhere. This:
Leipheimer just puts me in a headlock and starts wailing on me. Pops me in the ear. Then in the nose. Then he starts giving me a noogie.
Check the closeup:
I am freakin’ terrified, and he’s just laughing his head off. You can see how much pleasure he’s taking in — literally — busting my chops.
“Listen, Nelson (people who are angry and deadly serious always call each other by their last names),” Levi said. “You deserved that.”
“Yeah, I guess I did,” I blubbered.
Levi continued. “But that’s just a small sample of what’s coming your way if you don’t raise $10,000 with all the stuff I’m donating. My own personal bike, autographed, for pity’s sake. And so much autographed GranFondo gear my wrists are cramping.”
“Yeah, it’s great stuff,” I agreed. “It is. I’ll do another post. My readers are good for it. They’ll help out. Just…please…let me go.”
Leipheimer released me and I took the first full breath of air I’d had in five minutes. Sweet freedom.
“I’m watching you,” Leipheimer said.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Everything’s cool.” Although, to tell the truth, I felt distinctly uncool. And also like I needed to change my pants.
Please, Help Me
So, Fat Cyclist readers, I’m begging you. Save me from Levi Leipheimer, the most ferocious cycling pro in America. You could win Levi’s personal Trek Top Fuel, tricked out and signed by Levi himself. Or you could win a custom-painted GranFondo helmet. Or any of a whole pile of cool GranFondo clothes.
And Levi’s said he’ll sign it all. Provided his hands aren’t too sore from mercilessly pounding my skull.
Read here for pictures and details of what you could win, and then donate today.
Please. I’m begging you.
The Runner says this is delicious, but I don’t know what it is and nobody will let me put fry sauce on it.
Help.
PS: Scoop: The 2012 Tour of California starts from Santa Rosa. You heard it here first. Take THAT, VeloNews.
Right now, The Runner and I are at a very fancy dinner/auction benefiting the GranFondo charities. We ran across Ibis honcho and BFOF, Scot "Chuck Ibis" Nicol. We were quite impressed with how dapper we appeared, and thought you would be too.
The only sad thing is we neglected to take a photo of the appetizer we were served. Because if we had taken a picture of it, probably one of you would have been able to identify it. As things stand, I’m only able to assert that it was kind of pinkish and smelled of fish.
The Runner and I are headed to Santa Rosa for Levi’s GranFondo. Expect lots of short posts over the weekend.
Oh, and you know what’s more awesome than spilling your drink down your entire left side right before getting on a plane?
Lots of things, probably.
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