News Flash: WADA Expands Scope, Changes Name

08.25.2011 | 7:59 am

An “I Can’t Believe This” Note from Fatty: You’ve done it. $134,240 raised, as of this moment. You’ve raised enough to buy 1000 bikes for kids in Zambia. No, make that one thousand and one! Everyone, thank you!

In addition to the most important thing — that 1001 kids’ lives are going to be changed for the better — this means that someone is going to join Johan, The Hammer, and me in Zambia.

Oh, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t wind up being 1111 bikes for kids in Zambia. The contest remains open; we continue to appreciate your donations! – FC

A Note From Fatty About What You Should Expect On This Blog For the Next Couple Weeks: To tell the truth, I have no idea what you should expect on this blog for the next couple weeks. No, that’s not exactly true. I know that you should not expect me on this blog, because I won’t be writing it.

That’s because I’m going to be in France. Riding my bike. With Andy Freaking Hampsten and Chuck Ibis, for crying out loud.

Yes, really.

However, unlike some cycling comedy blogs, when leave I don’t just leave. No. I love you too much for that.

Instead, I have asked Paul Guyot, a huge (not literally) Friend of Fatty and a writer / producer for Leverage, to write this blog for me for a couple weeks. Paul’s guest-posted here before, and honestly, my biggest concern is that after having him write here for a couple weeks, I won’t be welcome when I return.

But what does Paul get out of this?

Well, Paul gets a little help in his fundraising for the Austin LiveStrong Challenge. During the two weeks Paul is guest-posting, he’ll have at least one Trek LiveStrong bike to give away. Have you heard of the LiveStrong bike? Well, here, check it out:

To get a chance at winning this bike, just donate a multiple of $5.00 to Paul’s LiveStrong Challenge page anytime between when he begins guest-posting (August 29) and when he finishes guest-posting (September 9). Every $5.00 you donate gets you a chance at the bike.

Oh, and this is cool: If more than $10,000 is donated to Paul’s LiveStrong Challenge page during the contest, he’ll give away two bikes instead of one.

This contest open to US residents only, OK? Sorry about that; we just don’t have a way to get a bike to a winner outside of the US.

A Note from Fatty About Tomorrow’s Post: Be sure to check in tomorrow; I have a guest post from Cole Chlouber, a friend of mine you might remember from the Leadville Q&A liveblog I did at the beginning of this month. I’ve asked him to write up his story about doing the Leadville Trail 100 run.

Mainly because the idea of doing that race terrifies me and intrigues me, in pretty much equal parts. And because I am pretty sure that someday The Hammer is going to want to do that race and I want to know what we’re in for.

OK, now, finally, on with today’s news.

News Flash! WADA Expands Scope, Changes Name to WADARARA

Montreal, Canada (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service) – Noting substantive progress in the war on doping in cycling, the World Anti-Doping Agency today announced that it was expanding its scope of operations, as well as revising its name.

“I’m pleased to announce,” said John Fahey, President of the until-very-recently-named WADA, “that nobody dopes anymore. At all. In fact, for the past few months, mostly we’ve been hanging around the office, wishing we had something to do.”

“And that’s when it struck us,” continued Fahey. “Our mission, until now — while very admirable and noble — has been entirely too narrow. We shouldn’t simply be in the business of eliminating doping from the world of cycling — and, I suppose, other sporting activities, though we honestly don’t care if athletes in other sports dope, just so long as cycling is squeaky-clean.”

“We should be,” emphasized President Fahey, “in the business of eliminating any performance-enhancing item from the sport of cycling.”

“And that is why,” concluded Fahey, “I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, we are changing the name of our agency from ‘World Anti-Doping Agency’ to ‘World Anti-Doping and Rock and Roll Agency.’”

“Or ‘WADARARA,’ for short,” interjected Dick Pound, who had suddenly materialized at Fahey’s side. “Which, by the way, is pronounced, ‘Wah-Dah-RARRRRRRR-ah.’”

“Oh, I should also announce,” said a visibly surprised Fahey, evidently not expecting Pound’s dramatic appearance, “that Dick Pound has come out of retirement in order to supervise operations in the Rock and Roll Regulations Division (RARRD) of our agency.”

“Which is pronounced “RAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRd,” explained Dick Pound.

Asked why Pound had been selected, Fahey replied, “Mostly because we all kind of missed having an excuse to say ‘Dick Pound’ from time to time. You would be amazed at what a morale boost it gives us.”

“Dick Pound,” repeated Fahey, with a smile.

Reasoning

When asked why WADARARA would seek to regulate the listening habits of cyclists, Dick Pound explained, “Our mission has always been to level the playing field of cycling. It has recently become clear to us that the right song played at the right moment can give one cyclist an unfair advantage over other cyclists.”

“If, for example,” explained Dick Pound, “two otherwise equivalent cyclists ride an individual time trial and one listens to John Denver while the other listens to Rage Against the Machine,” studies show that the rider who listens to Rage Against the Machine will win every single time, and often by a substantial margin. Especially if the song ‘Renegades of Funk’ is in the playlist.”

“As an interesting aside,” noted Dick Pound, “The cyclist who listens to John Denver is likely to not finish the time trial at all, but will likely pull over to the side of the road at some point along the way and begin admiring the landscape and perhaps take off his shoes and wander barefoot in the grass.”

“It’s quite a disturbing spectacle to behold, I can assure you,” said Dick Pound, meaningfully.

“In any case,” continued Dick Pound, “We do not feel it is fair for foreign substances such as rock and roll to play a part in who wins, and who loses, a race. Thus, from this point forward, no cyclist — at any level — is allowed to listen to rock and roll.

Asked for clarification, Dick Pound explained, “Cyclists don’t gain an unfair advantage from cycling under the influence of rock and roll merely when competing; they can reap the same general benefits by training while listening to rock and roll. This simply cannot be allowed.”

“And since it’s entirely possible,” said Dick Pound, “that any given cyclist may some day become a racer, we must therefore forbid all cyclists from every listening to rock and roll. Beginning now.”

Enforcement Tactics

When asked how they plan to prevent cyclists from listening to rock and roll, Dick Pound replied, “It’s really quite simple. Initially we’ll just assume that everyone is honest and will ask them to not listen to rock and roll.”

“As the program matures, however, we’ll begin sending agents out on the street, looking for cyclists. When we see one, we’ll use special-purpose scanners to see if they have any kind of device that would allow them to listen to music. If they do, we’ll demand to see the playlist, which we will validate against our frequently-updated database of known rock and roll bands.”

“Finally, at some point in the future (hopefully by December of this year), we will begin going door to door, confiscating any rock and roll-capable device from anyone who also owns a bicycle.”

“Incidentally, we plan to fund this program via a brisk business in selling second-hand electronics.”

Reaction from the Cycling Community

The cycling community had no comment to make on today’s announcement, because they were not allowed to.