What I’ve Learned From Riding My Bike
Note: While Fatty is cycling away in France with Andy Freaking “Yes, THAT Andy Freaking” Hampsten, Paul Guyot – proud domestique of Bucky – is guest blogging for him. Don’t worry, it’s almost over.
I’ve learned that German Shepherds can run more than 25mph… but let’s get to that later.
As cyclists, there are certain rites of passage we all must go through, including:
Our first flat miles from home.
Our first time getting dropped on the group ride.
Our first sufferfest – when we realize this cycling thing can actually be painful.
Our first encounter with a nasty motorist.
Our first crash. Yes, folks, it will happen – for there are only two types of cyclists: those that have gone down and those that are going to go down.
Our first time being chased by a dog.
Let’s back up a sec. To that last one there.
Being chased by a dog.
Raise your hand if you’ve already experienced this one. Go ahead, it’s okay, your co-workers will just think you need the restroom or have a question.
Okay, quite a few of you. Well, not me. Not once. Ever. Until now. Let me set the stage for you…
After weeks of intense heat and humidity I awake to find a morning in the low 80’s with even lower humidity. I stand out on my porch looking at the cornflower blue sky and the still leaves, and say, “I christen thee Metric Century Day.” I like to say “I christen thee.” Makes me feel fancy.
I will ride 62 miles on this beautiful day. I will travel roads I have not yet ridden. I will see things I have never before seen on previous rides. I will never take the flat road when there’s a hill to ascend. I will climb like an angel. An overweight, under-trained angel with an anvil tied to each wing, but an angel nonetheless.
I dress in my Ride 2 Recovery kit, pump up the Gatorshells underneath The Goat – that’s what I call my new bike – The Goat. Because it climbs like a goat, and is The Greatest (bike) Of All-Time. I pack my center pocket with a Honey Stinger waffle (I actually do eat these all the time), and fill my right pocket with Gu – have I mentioned while house-sitting for Fatty that I love Gu products?
I know everyone has their fuel of choice, and for me it is GU. IMHO – which stands for In My Heavy Opinion – Gu gels and especially Roctane gels are the best. They pack as much (and usually more) sodium and potassium (life blood for cyclists) than any other product, have far less sugar than most, and they taste yummy. Except for that Jet Blackberry disaster. Whose idea was that? I’d rather chew broken glass on my ride.
You don’t have to carry pills or tablets to drop into your water because all the fuel you need is in the gels – but if you want liquid Gu they offer Gu Brew – which is the second best endurance drink out there – second only to Gu Brew RECOVERY – which is the absolute best recovery drink on the planet. I know because I am still alive after my 100MON.
But I digress.
So I roll out ready to tackle 62 miles of newfound roads and climb at least 3,000 feet. Yes, people, 3,000. I am NOT Fatty, who needs at least 9500 feet of climbing to break a sweat. Did everyone forget my 100 Miles of Nowhere debacle?
I head out of my neighborhood and twelve miles into the ride I get giddy on the bike. Yes, I physically, literally get giddy. Not to be confused with jiggy. I got giddy as I turned right where I have always turned left and started exploring uncharted lands.
I cranked along a nicely paved two-lane that gently rolled through a wooded area with almost no houses anywhere. I saw deer and turkeys and turtles (I got them all off the road), and heard birds I had not heard before.
I found some new hills and rolled up them like Tommy D. Bucky would be arching his eyebrows at me right now if he were reading this. “Seriously, Dad?” Okay, not like Tommy D – but like Tommy D in the context of me. The Hill Slug.
This was going to be one of the best solo rides I’d ever done. I kept riding, 20 miles. 30. 40.
I discovered at one point I was rolling along part of the original Route 66. How cool is that?
Then I saw a little road marked Woodland Meadows Road. I remembered from my scouting of Google maps that morning that the innocuous little Woodland Meadows twisted and turned and wound its way around, only to come back out on the very Route 66 road I was on. Perfect! Add an extra few miles, an extra few feet of climbing, and get right back on my route.
I pedaled along Woodland Meadows, such a lovely little road, let’s say it together; Woodland Meadows. Sounds like a retirement home. A few houses, but zero traffic, and no sounds but nature. I love the sounds of nature.
I came around a curve on little innocuous Woodland Meadows and saw the road went up. Way up. Great! Let’s climb, baby!
I shifted my Ultegra compact into my next-to-last climbing gear (is that a 26, gearheads?) and started to climb. I glanced at Hal 9000 – that’s what I call my Garmin Edge 500 (that I have thanks to Fatty suggesting to my wife she give it to me for my birthday last year) and noticed the gradient was steadily going up.
Way up.
12%… 15%… 19%… whew, this is tough, but I’m feeling good. I’m loving the suffering… then little innocuous Woodland Meadows turned tightly to the right, and stopped being innocuous and little. Instead it became Woodland Meadows – the Gateway to Hell. And to start our journey to burning death the gradient jumped to…
30%… then 33%…
It would top out at 38%. I know this because as I was walking The Goat up Woodland Meadows I had plenty of time to read my Garmin.
UPDATE: Please see the comments section for updates on the great gradient debate.
I finally got to the summit, breathing as hard as if I’d actually ridden the whole thing. I remounted and began soft pedaling, eating and drinking, and trying to recover.
My mood quickly returned to joyous as Woodland Meadows meandered through horse country. White picket fences, huge yards, and large houses set way off the road. And the lovely sounds of nature returned.
Like a barking dog.
Wait, what? Oh there. A happy little puppy, romping across his big yard… running across his big yard. Fast. And barking. A lot.
I wonder if he’s coming after me? Nope. That happy German Shepherd is apparently just going to run alongside me. About ten yards off the road, running parallel with me now. And keeping up. Wow. I’m doing 23mph and he’s right there. 24… right there. 25… yep, still there.
Apparently, I had forgotten that Woodland Meadows was the gateway to Hell, and what lives in Hell?
Hellhounds. The Hounds of Hell.
One of which is ten yards away from me right now. I stare into its eyes once, then twice, then look back to my Garmin Edge 500. It would only be much later that I would learn if you stare into the eyes of Hellhounds three times you will certainly die.
But running alongside me is not chasing me. He’s just protecting his yard.
And that’s when the Hound of Hell started cutting the angle between him and the road.
If there was ever a big fat doughy cyclist that sprinted as fast as Mark Cavendish after a Renshaw launch, it was me right then. I have no idea how fast I ended up going, but it was faster than I’ve gone on a flat road. Ever. I literally felt the hot demon breath of he Hellhound on my ankle as he made a last ditch effort to devour me.
Once safe, I slowed down, sat up, and laughed. A lot.
I laughed the laugh of the certifiably insane. That laughter that only comes after cheating death. And Hell. I chortled. I cackled. If anyone had seen me, sitting up on my bike, laughing like a hyena on meth, they would have locked me up. And I would not have argued.
You can learn a lot from riding your bike.
Like that German Shepherds can run more than 25mph.
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.7.2011 | 3:20 pm
Okay this is my favorite one so far, Paul! Sorry Bucky. Still laughing aloud, thank dawg I work from home.
Fatty if you are reading this, the wooing best begin soon sir. ;-)
Comment by Nogocyclist | 09.7.2011 | 3:20 pm
I had a pit bull come charging me like that on a ride. I thought I was in for it, but I yelled out “sit” like it was my own dog, and that is just what it did. I sat right on the curve and watched me ride by.
I did get chased by a large German Shepard one time though. He was on the side of the road and I had just passed a church youth group riding their bikes and two stragglers were fixing to have to contend with that dog. I rode close as I could to the dog to try to make it chase me. It chased me like I expected and the two preteen kids rode right by the dog as he was returning to his yard.
Comment by 3d brian | 09.7.2011 | 3:44 pm
I bet the dog was laughing harder than you.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.7.2011 | 3:55 pm
It’s about time we got a new post! It’s been 30hrs since the last one and we’re a hungry audience, never satisfied. Now, let me go read it, and catch up with my wife (wife#1)
Comment by Patty | 09.7.2011 | 4:01 pm
I rode cross country this summer with a team of 14 for Blood:Water Mission and we had plenty of experiences with dogs. It seems many people on our route felt that keeping dogs in a yard is cruel. Besides, it’s more fun to watch them chase a group of cyclists! I had one keeping pace with me making a terrifying noise all the while until I finally yelled “GO HOME!” That dog stopped, turned right around and went back. That became my standard dog speech the remainder of the tour. All of us agreed that a dog that came to chase you while you were going up hill was just totally unfair. Dear dog, you are making all your doggie friends look bad.
Comment by JodieA | 09.7.2011 | 4:14 pm
I agree with Wife #1. Best post so far. Good story. I love dogs when they are in their own yard and not coming after me, but on the run and off their chain or out of their fenced yard, not so much. I could just picture the hellhound chasing after you.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.7.2011 | 4:25 pm
I must agree with Wife#1, who is also my wife(duh). Fatty’s going to need to do some serious wooing, or prizes, to win us back. It will be like elementary school politics- free Honey Stingers for Everyone- or something like that.
Paul if you notice the woodcut from your link (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hellhound) the dog is named Garmr…as in Garmin. I am confident the dog just mistook you; “…a big fat doughy cyclist” for the Goddess Hel.
Lastly Questions:
When is the last day to donate to your Livestrong event?
What kind of music for this bucolic ride- Deliverance or Field of Dreams?
I didn’t know the ‘writer’s room was so ‘controlling’;
Raise your hand if you’ve already experienced this one. Go ahead, it’s okay, your co-workers will just think you need the restroom or have a question.
Is that how it is on all productions, or just yours?
Been loving every day of Fatty’s absence….Sorry Elden. Woo me.
Comment by hannah | 09.7.2011 | 4:53 pm
For future reference, when one is on a bike, one is at the perfect height to kick most medium to large dogs right under the jaw without dismounting. My mother taught me this trick, and I always felt too terrible to do it until one time, I encountered a Hellhound I couldn’t outsprint and it bit me. After that, I don’t feel so bad giving a threatening mutt a square kick to the nose or underside of the jaw. It still kind of makes me feel like a bad person, but I’m not willing to risk getting bit again. Plus, I like to think that just knowing this manuever is enough to give me an aura of confidence that makes Hellhounds cower and not want to chase me too hard.
Also, I’ve been loving all your posts.
Comment by Kim | 09.7.2011 | 5:13 pm
You need to start your own cycling blog, Paul. You have the voice of the un-jaded. We all need to go back to that time when we first started out once and a while. I know that feeling you describe of turning down a road you’ve never road on before. It is much like giddiness.
And I envy that your kid loves bikes. Mine hate them. It makes me sad.
P.s. I love the blackberry GU. To each his/her own.
Comment by Grant | 09.7.2011 | 5:21 pm
I was on a mtb tour in the Alps (*sigh* to be back there…) and we were doing a bit of a traverse throught some paddocks full of sheep. Then one of the sheep started barking and chasing me. I was so shocked I lost my line, the pedal hit the side of the rut we were following and flung my bike up and out, nearly hitting the dog. We were both so surprised we just looked at each other. The sheep/dog then resumed barking, and I resumed pedalling, and we both carried on our merry way.
Comment by Jason | 09.7.2011 | 5:36 pm
Where the heck do you ride that you see 38% grades? Did I read that correctly? I can’t imagine a hill getting much greater than 20%…maybe my gps isn’t calibrated correctly.
Comment by Jason | 09.7.2011 | 5:38 pm
Oh yeah…I’ve been pretty successful spraying water from my water bottle at dogs. Gives you just the break you need.
Comment by Jenni | 09.7.2011 | 5:49 pm
If you were riding with a Garmin that could show the 38% grade, wouldn’t it also have a record of how fast you were going?
Absolutely loved this post. And has anyone else noticed the, “But I digress” in every post? Is that a signature?
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.7.2011 | 6:00 pm
@Jenni… the worst thing is the “But I digress” is contagious! Be careful, you’ll start seeing it appear in your own work. “Hey who put that there?”
@Jason…. spray bottles are good for hellhounds but there is one thing better. This is what I ride instead of a bike (and why I have a crappy bike when the rest of my family have fairly sweet rides, especially hubby who is amassing a decent collection of bike porn). Spray bottle sold separately.
Comment by Dripslobber | 09.7.2011 | 6:07 pm
Your lucky! Sounds like an overfed sausage shepard. Great story, thanks.
Comment by eclecticdeb | 09.7.2011 | 6:12 pm
An overweight, under-trained angel with an anvil tied to each wing, but an angel nonetheless.
Brilliant description of….ME! Great post, hopefully Fatty will keep on for a bit when he’s too busy with his duties as a world-class blogger to actually blog. :-)
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.7.2011 | 7:54 pm
@Jason — truth be told, the last 33-38% was all in less than 50 meters. But I still couldn’t handle it. I’ve done 22% for 100 meters, but that’s my limit to date.
I trust my Garmin Edge to be accurate – it has been so far.
@Jenni — The Garmin did show how fast I was going, but I was not looking at it. At the end of the ride my max speed was 48.6mph – which was on a descent after the dog incident. (eventually you gotta come down from Woodland Meadows)
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.7.2011 | 8:59 pm
38% are you sure?? 50 meters?? Yeah, I think you did it.
Comment by gregc | 09.7.2011 | 11:29 pm
Hey Paul,
Great post! I will echo your comment and the great truths of cycling: if you ride a bike long enough there are some certainties that await you, as sure as death and taxes (such as crashing, a ugly run in with a motorist that nearly turns bad, being hit by a motorist, and being chased by a dog), but I digress. I’ve also notice that you frequently like to talk about products you enjoy a lot, such as Honey Stinger Waffles, my Garmin 500 (but wish I had spent the extra bucks for a Garmin 800 cause I get lost sometimes), my Arriva IPOD headphones, my Sidi cycling shoes (sorry Fatty, these are the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned), and my Cannondale Super Six High Mod bike so I can climb like an angle (even if I have anchors strapped to both wings!). (pretend that I’ve hyperlinked all these products back to the websites- cause when I composed this in Word there were links that did not copy and I’m not enough of a computer guy to figure this out- so just trust me on this- but I digress) If this linking my comments back to websites actually works, I might have to soon write a review on the Zipp 404 wheel-set I’m lusting over, not to mention that sweet new Ferrari 458 Spider I saw on the road over the weekend. Keep up the good work, Fatty is going to have to work pretty hard to win us back, even if he is riding with Andy Freaking Hampsten!!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.7.2011 | 11:33 pm
Huh! Are you sure both wheels were on the ground?
http://stlbiking.com/forum/index.php/topic/25700-steepest-street-in-st-louis/page__st__30
stlouismtbiker
Advanced Member
Group:Members
Posts:253
http://stlbiking.com/forum/index.php/topic/25700-steepest-street-in-st-louis/page__st__30Joined:24-August 09
Gender:Male
Location:St. Louis
Posted 08 February 2011 – 07:03 PM
Nobody’s mentioned Woodland Meadows, off of 100 between Melrose and Glencoe. That’s seems pretty steep, but probably not as steep as some of these hills being talked about.
According to Ride With GPS, Woodland Meadows hits 19.4%
Comment by AK_Chick | 09.8.2011 | 1:04 am
Love it! Another awesome blog post. I have to admit, I haven’t been chased by a dog. Yet. I have crashed trying to avoid hitting a kid sitting in the middle of the trail. I was going a bit too fast, but I’m really not all that fast on a bike. I dinged my bell at him. Several more dings, no movement. I decided to zig and so did he! Crap! I turned my wheel so we’d meet in a glancing instead of head on blow. I also might have let an expletive or two fly (sorry kid). Was wishing for my trusty disc brakes on my mtb. Road brakes suck. Period. Feet did not come unclipped. Down I went. Down he went. I banged up and scraped my knee and my hands hurt, but that’s about it. He had some gravel in his hands, but it didn’t look like any broke the skin. He never said a word. Not even when I asked him about 50x if he was okay. He never even looked at me. Once I was sure he was okay, I got on my bike and left. Next time, I will slow way down and yell which way I’m passing. However, I’m hoping there won’t be a next time.
Wife#1 – loved the picture of the horse! If I could afford a horse, I’d get one! Next to a bike, that is my favorite mode of transpo!
EclecticDeb stole my thunder. i was going to mention that “I will climb like an angel. An overweight, under-trained angel with an anvil tied to each wing, but an angel nonetheless” sounds just like me. Hills are the bane of my existence though my new cyclocross bike is geared more like my mtb so it sure makes hills easier. :)
Another really awesome and funny post! Love it.
Fatty who? Wait, did someone mention waffles? Stinger? Honey? Yeah, I’m in for this wooing thing.
Comment by skippy | 09.8.2011 | 3:24 am
Thanks for the photo of Robbie , priveleged to have been there but w/out camera ! Those were the days !
Wonder if Fatty will ride in Paris before returning ?
Loved the ” Sit & Go home ” commands to the dogs .
Comment by BamaJim | 09.8.2011 | 4:21 am
I learned sometimes the dog knows more than you about whether it can get out of the fence it is to give chase. Who knew a dog could open a gate….
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.8.2011 | 6:10 am
@davidh — I know from hard data that ALL the ride map sites are inaccurate. Some (mapmyride) by as much as 20%. I actually went on ridewithgps (the most accurate of the sites) to see what it said. I saw that it never shows the road going more than 20%.
Also, 19% I could handle, especially for a short burst. Even low 20’s I’ve done. This was not anything like that.
Now, I have no idea what the true gradient really is. Without a survey crew, no one knows.
All I know is when I had to dismount, my Garmin was registering 29%. At one point while walking it said 38%, though it was only for a second or two.
But again, maybe my Garmin chose this day to be wrong. I have no idea.
I typo’d in my earlier comment. 50 meters should have been 15.
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.8.2011 | 6:32 am
EDIT UPDATE
After looking at comments and replaying the ride in my head, I must admit that there was a moment just before I got off the bike where my front did come off the ground.
That would possibly explain the 38% reading – which came when I was walking the bike.
The highest reading prior to that was 33%.
I will post an update to reflect this.
Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 09.8.2011 | 6:36 am
Discovered a riding right of passage myself yesterday: Bee flying in the vent of a helmet. It was not happy, then I was not happy. I believe I let the, umm, “sailor” in me out of my mouth while I was ripping my helmet off.
But I digress, nice post.
Comment by Franky | 09.8.2011 | 6:44 am
Yes, a dog can be frightening. Especially one the size of a small car, with one of these deep voice barks, coming at you from the rear left at about 30 mph. It mobilizes energy reserves you never thought you have, you get up to insane speeds, and a few miles later you shake for a while because of the adrenaline that flooded your body.
I don’t like dogs…
Comment by KarinNH | 09.8.2011 | 7:14 am
I have a 15 year old lab who no longer hears or sees very well. However, the loss of those two senses seems to have magnified her sense of smell to mythical proportions. She starts barking (from in the house or on a leash) when walkers are way up the hill and completely out of sight, well before we can figure out where they are. But she never barks at cyclists. We live at the bottom of a very large, very steep hill, and they’ve zoomed past before she notices.
My worst experience on a bike (many years ago) was with geese, a whole darn domesticated flock protecting their space, which clearly included the road.
Awesome post–thanks for the morning laugh!
Comment by nh_joe | 09.8.2011 | 7:31 am
The Garmin does not calculate grade by the angle of the bike (i.e. lifting a wheel off the ground). It calculates it by your speed and elevation change (based on pressure). Angle would never work because of different mounting positions/angles (bars, stem, pocket).
What likely happened was it changed while you were slowing down to get off and walk. Go downhill fast – and in a safe place – slam on your brakes and watch the grade. It will show very steep downhill.
FYI, the Powerline in the Leadville 100 tops out around 22%.
Comment by Cole Chlouber | 09.8.2011 | 7:32 am
Great story to start my morning Paul, love it! And yes, we can all learn a lot from riding a bike!! ;)
Comment by Christina | 09.8.2011 | 7:34 am
Oh man. I had a dog chase me once, but the scary thing is that I’m on a recumbent, which means our faces were even with each other and the old, “Just kick at the dog” advice was worthless. I rode like the wind, which I typically don’t.
I love your posts! Love them!
Comment by Jacob | 09.8.2011 | 7:35 am
I was once chased by a pack, an entire pack, of chihuahuas. There were like 8 of them. I was chased by a pair of pit bulls in that same ride less than five miles later. I have to say that the chihuahuas scared me more. I kept worrying that one of them was going to get under a wheel and send me sprawling onto the ground.
The two pit bulls are the only dogs I’ve actually worried would have actually bitten me, though. Most dogs sound ferocious, but it’s a show and they’re either play chasing or just bluffing to defend territory. The pit bulls looked a little more serious and got WAY too close for my comfort. Where I live, no one keeps their dog inside or fenced in. I get chased on EVERY ride.
I was also once passed by a pigeon when I was going about 78 in my car on the interstate. Not scary. Just amazing.
Comment by Dan.weise | 09.8.2011 | 7:54 am
Another awesome post Paul. Thank you so very much for filling in for Fatty while he’s away, playing in Europe.
I would love to see the Garmin data from your ride!
Comment by The Bike Nazi | 09.8.2011 | 7:58 am
I once had a ground hog run into me. It ran into me 3 separate times. ha ha! I was going up hill and it was coming down. It was like when a pin ball keeps bouncing back from the paddle and then finally goes down the shute.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.8.2011 | 8:43 am
Paul- I was not trying to besmirch the integrity of your ride, just having some fun. Though I’m sure ‘Bucky’ would love to see you do the wheelie. Please post video of all your attempts.
Fatty recently posted some +3 data that had him finishing his MTB Loop several thousand feet lower than when he started. That and his run where his top speed was 125mph. He’s awesome, I admit, but not that awesome.
Last day to donate to Paul Guyot Livestrong?????
Comment by rich | 09.8.2011 | 8:50 am
love this post….you definitely need your own cycling blog for us to follow…
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.8.2011 | 9:59 am
I have turned over the Great Gradient debate to the engineers at Garmin.
When I have an answer from them I will drop it here in the comments.
Comment by Team Coffee Nook | 09.8.2011 | 10:07 am
On one ride I had a reading of a max gradient of 14%, which couldn’t be correct because it was a sponsored ride with an advertised max gradient of 5%. Turned out the 14% was from when I carried my bike up the stairs at the hotel after the ride.
Comment by Haven-KT | 09.8.2011 | 10:34 am
Your Woodland Meadows sounds a lot like my Bell Rd. You’re just going along, minding your own business, gradually trending upward and then you round a corner and you realize that you are at the bottom of a bell curve graph looking up.
mapmyride says (depending on the length of road you want to look at) that Bell Rd hits 15%, 14%, 13%, 12%… if you look at the 2 miles from 99w to Leann, max is 11%. Ha. Right. Try standing at the bottom of the hill looking up the wall to the top.
Bikely’s elevation map looks more like what it is– a big ugly hill.
Remember, gradient = rise/run. If you know how far up you went over whatever horizontal distance, you can figure the gradient. See, kids, math is important, so stay in school.
Comment by Haven-KT | 09.8.2011 | 10:38 am
Oh yeah, I forgot about the dogs:
Not on Bell, just in general.
My partner and I were harassed by some dogs in a residential area on a hill… couple of lab-type dogs. They did NOT like him, he got off his bike and kept it between him and the dogs while yelling at them to go home. Thus saving me, because I would have had to take drastic measures such as kicking and screaming.
Not all lab-type dogs are the typical lab-type dogs– for instance, my lab-type dog is kind of anti-social and doesn’t like strangers. But I make sure that he doesn’t get to roam free except in his dog run.
There are some dogs on my usual commute home who bark at me, but since they are behind fences I talk friendly at them and pretend they are my biggest fans cheering me on. It helps, since at that point my commute takes a turn for the Up and I’m usually on a heavy bike with heavy panniers and need some encouragement.
Comment by Miles Archer | 09.9.2011 | 7:40 am
Watch out for the suicide squirrels!
Comment by Marshall Miller | 09.9.2011 | 10:17 am
+1 to Miles’ comment. So far I’ve never had a close call with a dog, but my life has been threatened multiple times by kamikaze squirrels. You don’t have to be big to be terrifying!
Comment by Suzanne | 09.15.2011 | 7:20 pm
I gasped and laughed all in the same post. Must share!