An Open Appeal to Levi Leipheimer’s Sense of Decency
A Note from Fatty: Huge thanks go out to Paul Guyot for his extraordinary guest-posting for the past couple weeks. I now look forward to the next time I head out on vacation not just for the sake of the vacationing, but for another chance to have Paul write here. Paul (and Bucky), thanks!
Dear Levi,
I have been in France for the past couple of weeks, riding with The Hammer and Andy Hampsten. It was a fantastic trip and I have a lot of stories to tell. In fact, I had hoped I would be able to begin telling those stories today.
But I can’t. Because this simply cannot wait.
You need to face the facts, Levi. And the facts are that while others in the pro peleton are content to use their legs to do the talking, you have adopted considerably more brutal tactics to facilitate your “win at any cost” mindset.
Choke-holds. Kidney punches. Strong language expressed in a loud voice at inopportune moments. It’s as if nothing is off-limits to you.
Oh, don’t go and give me that innocent look, that “Hey I weigh 112 pounds and spend my free time smiling next to cute little doggies” face.
That face doesn’t fool me for one second.
And judging from that look of terror in the little dog’s eyes — notice the way it’s doing its level best to look away from you — it’s not fooled, either.
You may look like a friendly, unassuming pro cyclist, but the evidence of recent public events, photographic evidence, and my experience all tell a very different story.
A very different story indeed.
2010
I remember — all too clearly — the events at the Festa del Fondo last year that gave me the first inkling of your strategy of force and intimidation that is now all too clear.
I was walking around, meeting people. Eating an occasional h’ordeuvre. Signing autographs. Enjoying the ambiance.
And then I heard my name called. “Hey, Fatty!”
It was you, of course. Smiling. Always smiling. “Come on over here and let me get my picture with you!” you called, smilingly.
I’m used to this request, so patiently complied. We got that first photo.
I remember registering surprise at the way you sucked in your gut, but said nothing. You were with an internet cycling celebrity; of course you wanted to look good in the photo.
And then, suddenly, I was doubled over, my air supply cut off. My head was being pounded, relentlessly. Noogie after noogie.
The pain was incredible, and — I confess it — I screamed for mercy.
You smiled and tightened your grip. And the noogies kept coming.
My agony was such that I nearly blacked out. Just look at me, for pity’s sake.
Is that not the face of agony? I submit that it is.
Finally, as my knees were about to buckle, you released me, shoving me away. “Take it easy on the h’ordeuvres, would you?” you sneered (while somehow still smiling). “Other people might want some too.”
2011
My next set of evidence of your brutish behavior is much more severe, and reveals the scope of your reign of terror over your fellow professional cyclists, both within your team and without.
Let’s consider the 2011 Tour de France.
Team RadioShack started the Tour with approximately nineteen GC contenders, of which you were one.
First, Brajkovic conveniently exited the race. And then Chris Horner crashed out. Mysteriously. How curious that we all saw the aftermath of his crash, but not the crash itself.
And how surprising that his concussion has rendered the events surrounding the accident rather fuzzy.
Oh, and then there was Kloden. Kloden, who everyone was supposed to get behind and work for.
Kloden, who retired from the race with a “sore back.”
Pff.
From four GC guys down to one. And who was that one? Levi “All Smiles” Leipheimer, that’s who.
When you consider all this, is it any surprise that you’re no longer wanted on Team RadioShack, Levi?
But it wasn’t just inside Team RadioShack that you were beating up on others, wasn’t it? Here you are with a rider some have called one of the toughest men in cycling, Jens Voigt:
I tell you, Jens should have started running as soon as he saw that smile. Instead, he hung around, and before long, you were up to your old tricks:
That poor guy never had a chance. Oh, and your smile here looks positively sinister.
Additional Evidence
As I have mentioned, Levi, I have spent the past couple weeks in France, riding in France. While there, I got a chance to interview Andy “Freaking” Hampsten, a former pro cyclist of some renown. The entirety of this interview will be presented later this week, but for now, I think this part is pretty telling:
Clearly, Mr. Hampsten was too afraid to come right out and say it, but I think it’s pretty clear that he’s afraid of the repercussions of admitting that he — like all too many others — has been punched in the throat by you.
Please, Levi, seek help. Your anger issues are quite obviously severe, and only getting worse.
If your unchecked aggression remains … well, ummmm … unchecked, who knows where it will eventually lead?
Will you one day smile as you spin-kick Phil Liggett?
Will you smile as you strike Andy Schleck with a blackjack, thereby quite likely breaking him in half?
Will you someday snap entirely and yell at one of the pot-bellied pigs in your petting zoo?
Frankly, I shudder at these thoughts, and hope never to find out.
Do the right thing, Levi. For others. For yourself.
Kind Regards,
The Fat Cyclist
Comment by Slowstdy | 09.12.2011 | 2:30 am
Welcome back Fatty, we all know that you and Levi are brothers. Sibling rivalry, thought you might have grown out of it by now. Levi, take Fatty’s advice and get help….
Comment by Jenn | 09.12.2011 | 3:00 am
You’re nuts. And I’m so glad you’re back!!! Can’t wait to hear all the details!
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.12.2011 | 5:07 am
Okay, see, now THAT is how you write a blog post.
“…as you spin-kick Phil Liggett.” — a phrase most likely never before spoken in the history of man.
Thank you, Fatty, for standing up for those that can’t.
To publicly face Leipzilla, risking your own person for the sake of others, well, I am humbled and awed by you.
Comment by Tracy | 09.12.2011 | 6:32 am
Loved the spot in the video when Andy “Freaking” Hampsten asks if Levi has switched teams and suggests that Fatty ask “your buddy’s son, he’ll know. Your guest blogger’s son will have an idea.”
Unfortunately, Fatty seems to miss this, planning to call someone named “Johan.”
But Andy “Freaking” Hampsten knows who the real expert is. Hope Jack has brought him up to speed.
Comment by Laura S | 09.12.2011 | 6:54 am
I’ll be at the fondo so I’d be happy to kick his butt for you while wearing a Team Fatty jersey. I weigh more than 112lb so I’m pretty sure I can take him on – um, unless he’s actually riding.
Since getting back I’ve been having an extended vacation just looking through all the photos. Can’t wait to read hour reports!
Comment by Boz | 09.12.2011 | 7:36 am
Can’t wait for the inevitable: Levi vs Chuck Norris…
Comment by stuckinmypedals | 09.12.2011 | 7:55 am
Welcome back, Fatty. Hilarious post! It’s about time someone called Levi out on all his bullying. ;)
Comment by Jacob | 09.12.2011 | 7:59 am
I bet Bucky could beat up Leipheimer.
Comment by The Bike Nazi | 09.12.2011 | 8:46 am
Welcome back Fatty! Do you have a whole list of blog topics brewing in your head? It looks like you’re hitting us with a bang on your first one back! Way to whet our appetites for the stories of your trip!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.12.2011 | 8:51 am
Who’s this Fatty Guy, and what have you done with Paul?
Comment by rich | 09.12.2011 | 9:03 am
Welcome back Fatty!
Comment by Janet B | 09.12.2011 | 9:04 am
Does Bucky have the inside scoop?
Comment by blair | 09.12.2011 | 9:26 am
where can i get a roll-up backdrop like that one you set up for the vid with Andy Hampsten? that’d go nice in my office.
Comment by Dave T | 09.12.2011 | 9:42 am
Let’s face it Fatty you just have a face that says put me in a headlock.
Comment by Amy | 09.12.2011 | 9:53 am
Glad you are back Fatty, thanks for the laugh. Hate to say it but the x-tra normal video with Levi posted by our guest blogger a week or so ago was not funny to me. It strayed from clever to mean.
For the record, Levi can put me in a headlock any old time he wants to. Any old time.
Comment by Just a note | 09.12.2011 | 10:19 am
Hors-d’oeuvre(s)
Comment by KanyonKris | 09.12.2011 | 10:24 am
The hideous scenery in the background of the video, how did you stand it for so many days?
Comment by TomE | 09.12.2011 | 11:21 am
I bet Bucky could “whip” Levi in an all out mano v. mano 150 yard sprint straight uphill!! Allez Bucky….Allez!!!!
Comment by wishiwasmerckx | 09.12.2011 | 12:04 pm
Wow, I thought nobody dressed worse that BSNYC…until now. Fatty, redirect some small portion of your massive fundraising effort towards the purchase of an iron.
Comment by zeeeter | 09.12.2011 | 12:40 pm
Ro-roh!
(From Twitter)
@LeviLeipheimer Levi Leipheimer
@fatcyclist Who do you think you are? You’ll be receiving a response. Soon.
Funny how now you are back, no more links to other bloggers sites in the comments! Good to have you back, albeit briefly until LL gets his hands on you!
Comment by zeeeter | 09.12.2011 | 12:42 pm
-more from Twitter-
@LeviLeipheimer Levi Leipheimer
@fatcyclist I suggest you lawyer up buddy.
Comment by Brian H. | 09.12.2011 | 12:45 pm
I’m so glad you’re back. I know that you know how to post remotely. We’ve seen instant race results on here before. In the future if you’re gone more than 48 hours, I require you bring a lap top with you. I actually had to do work at work last week.
Comment by Bryce | 09.12.2011 | 1:11 pm
Welcome back Fatty! I was thinking of you as I donned my FC arm warmers for an 11:57 LOTOJA finish! Not bad for only 12 weeks prep time.
Can’t wait for some epic France stories!
Pingback by Fat Cyclist » Blog Archive » I Just Heard From Levi Leipheimer’s Lawyer | 09.12.2011 | 1:23 pm
[...] « An Open Appeal to Levi Leipheimer’s Sense of Decency [...]
Comment by Doug (way upstate NY) | 09.12.2011 | 1:56 pm
Welcome home. Didn’t take you long to get into trouble did it? :D
Comment by Haven-KT | 09.12.2011 | 4:10 pm
Oh, come ON Levi, if you can’t tell what’s a joke and what isn’t…. oh.
Comment by Brandy | 09.12.2011 | 4:21 pm
I thought the first rule of Fight Club was not to talk about Fight Club…now you have gone and done it.
Comment by Chilly | 09.12.2011 | 8:14 pm
Fatty, oh Fatty. You just make my day. I love the exchange between Smiley McSmiles Leipheimer and HimSelf, FC
Hey, can anyone wear your FC gear? Been in the cookie bag way too often and I have the right profile for it.
Comment by Scott R | 09.12.2011 | 9:10 pm
Fatty, love your tshirt in the video.
Comment by skippy | 09.12.2011 | 11:23 pm
Will this post lead to an invitation to a certain Belgian Cycling Team’s Training Camp where Levi will be entertaining his new playmates for 2012 by setting the dogs on you or delivering another headlock before taking you for a ” ride “?
Be interesting to see which ” Charities ” will benefit in 2012 from this set of events .
Good luck with the little dog !
Comment by Andrew St John | 09.13.2011 | 8:26 am
Why are you pretending that is you and not Stanley Tucci posing with Levi?
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