I Am So Excited To Be A Television Star

03.19.2012 | 1:00 am

A Note From Fatty About Today’s Post: Last week, I wrote to Paul Guyot, a writer / producer for the awesome TV show, Leverage, about some terrific ideas I had for the show. He was kind enough, the next day, to write me back.

This, naturally, got me thinking about ways I can help this show even more. I present them now to both you and Paul, in the form of this very helpful open letter.

Dear Paul,

Thanks very much for your letter. I appreciate the spirit in which I assume it was given. Although, frankly, some of the details were a little confusing to me. I’m sure my agent will explain them to me, though.

Which reminds me: do you have a good recommendation for an actors’ agent? I figure I should probably get one if I’m going to start being on TV a lot.

Until I get that agent, though, I wanted to follow up with you regarding a number of personnel issues concerning my upcoming role on Leverage.

Concerns About Fans

As you are no doubt aware, Paul, I am quite famous. For example, I have won four Bloggies — one of them the coveted Livetime Achievement award! I have been featured in Bicycling Magazine so many times it’s difficult to count. I have been on a radio program.

I have even been the recipient of the “Best Blog” award at the Utah Social Media Awards program.

Because of such widespread, massive exposure, I have found it increasingly disconcerting to appear in public, where I am as likely as not to be accosted by fans, some who inevitably want an autograph, a photo, a discount rate on advertising on my blog, weight loss tips, or — weirdly — all of the above.

And while I love each and every one of my fans (and know most of them by name, because I’m that kind of guy), I’m afraid that while I’m “on set” at Leverage, this may become distracting.

Therefore, I’d appreciate it if you’d step up security while I’m there, so that I can focus on bringing the truly brilliant acting job I know I am capable of, without distraction.

Concerns About Actors

Now Paul, I don’t know how to state this next requirement without it seeming rude, so I hope you’ll take it in the spirit it is meant (i.e., not a rude spirit): this attention to security and my personal space does not extend merely to the public in general.

Specifically, I need to ask you to notify the other actors (i.e., “the cast”) on the show to refrain from approaching me or making eye contact, except for when we are rehearsing or being taped.

If I would like to speak with one of the cast, my personal assistant (I’m assuming you’ll provide me with a personal assistant) will notify them that they are allowed to approach me.

Partially, this is to help me with a problem I have: I can’t remember the other actors’ real names. I’m almost certain I’ll call them by the names they have in their current roles, and then they’ll laugh and I’ll be forced to tell them about how famous I am and that they shouldn’t be laughing at someone who beat out Bob Roll as the person Bicycling readers would most like to ride with.

Concerns About Timothy Hutton

There is, however, a more important problem: Timothy Hutton. Yes, I know he’s won an Academy Award. The thing is, you and I both know that Bloggies are pretty much the Academy Awards of bloggers, and I’ve won four of them.

So I’m a little bit worried that when I show him how award-winning, popular, and beloved I am (I plan to bring printed proof that I’ve won these Bloggies, along with the actual Utah Social Media Award trophy, and probably a printout of my site user statistics. And maybe some items from my personal clothing line), he’ll be astonished at how accomplished I am, and that will hurt his feelings.

And I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Not if I can help it.

Privacy Requirements

Due to my rather exceptional status as a beloved internet cycling blogger celebrity superstar who is also going to be on TV, I think it would not be out of line for me to request a larger trailer than everyone else. In fact, if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to have a larger trailer than everyone else put together.

This isn’t so much for me as it is for my bikes. I’ll be of course bringing my entire quiver of bikes. I just feel more comfortable around them. Besides, I’m sure the director will want to get multiple shots of my action scenes with me (or, sometimes, my stunt double) riding my different bikes, to see which one works best.

But also, I just like the idea of having a big trailer so I can take pictures of me in the entryway, and then tweet it (to my nearly 17,000 followers) with a caption, like “Me hanging out at the set, where I’m acting in a TV show. No big deal.”

I have a few more requirements I’d like to cover, but I’ll wait ’til you get these simple things out of the way before giving you your next group of tasks.

Again, I want to reassure you that I’m really enthused to be on Leverage, and am looking forward to really bringing the episode(s) I’m in to life!

Kind Regards,

The Fat Cyclist