Musings on 2012 Tour de France Contenders on a Calm Summer Morning (Free Verse Friday)
A Note from Fatty: The Utah Tour de Donut is July 7: a week from tomorrow. This is one of my favorite events of the year, for a lot of reasons. First, because it plays to my strengths: riding bikes and eating donuts. Check out my race writeups from 2010 and 2011 to see what I mean.
Second, because it is put on by the American Fork Rotary Club, which seems to have adopted me as their mascot or something (no, I’m not a member of the Rotary Club). Last year, for example, they used the proceeds of this fundraiser to buy a blanket warmer for the cancer center at the hospital Susan went to for treatment.
This year, they’re using the proceeds to go toward World Bicycle Relief, as well as to build a new trail connecting Lambert Park with Corner Canyon.
Both of these causes are awesome.
So. If you’re local, like bicycles, like to eat, like silliness, like helping kids in Zambia have a shot at a better life, and like seeing more local trails, why don’t you come race the Tour de Donut?
It’s insane. And wonderful. You’ll have a great time, and you’ll be doing good things, both locally and far away.
Musings on 2012 Tour de France Contenders on a Calm Summer Morning
The 2012 Tour de France approaches
What shall I think?
For whom shall I cheer?
How can I not know how each stage ends
Afore — perchance — I get to see it myself?
Bradley Wiggins is the toast of the Tour
He is expected to win by all and sundry
Phil and Paul have cried tears of joy
Over the prospect of the rapture
They predict and pray for
Alone in his hotel room
Cadel Evans sulks and frets
“I am the reigning champion!”
He confides to his pillow
“Perhaps I have given cause for concern”
“Perhaps I have not been at my best”
“But should I be truly relegated to ‘also appearing’ status?”
Dissonance
Not far away
And yet far far away
Another man is lonely
For he misses his brother
“How shall I race without my brother?”
He wonders aloud
To all and sundry
Other racers look on
Uncomprehending
“You know, the rest of us race without siblings all the time.”
Chris Horner looks on
Amused and bemused
And enigmatic as hell
All simultaneously
Though he would never use those words
He had been out
And now he is in
Almost as if by magic
And, magically, leading the team
Kinda
Sorta
The pile of Snickers wrappers accumulates
That dude’s going to have to watch his weight when he retires
By way of contrast
Levi Leipheimer
Eats a teaspoon of rice
Specially prepared
And seasoned just so
“100ish kilometers of time trials sounds good”
He says calmly, even as his heart is about to burst
“Real good.”
Then he punches a passerby in the throat
Just because he can
Oh, let us not forget
Vincenzo Nibali
Who has done magnificently
At shooting himself in the foot
For why would a team
Put their heart and soul
Behind a rider who is halfway out the door
When they could instead
Get behind a young man named Sagan
Who has had some modest success in the sprints
As of late
But what of the others?
For are there not others with prospects?
With hopes?
With dreams?
Like Sánchez?
No, I’m sorry, he has no chance
For he is on Euskaltel-Euskadi
And is therefore tradition-bound to do well on one stage
And then discombobulate
Utterly
Completely
And what of Denis Menchov?
Nobody seems to talk about him
Which seems to suit him just fine
Because really
Why would a proven rider
With multiple Grand Tour victories
And a gift for the Time Trial
On a Time Trial-heavy course
be considered a Tour favorite?
Nothing to see here
Move along
Move along
Thank you
Comment by Drew | 06.29.2012 | 9:12 am
This is a startling career move for Andrew Wiggins.
Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe I did that. Just goes to show what happens when one reads too much sci-fi. Fixed. And thank you. – FC
Comment by davidh,marin | 06.29.2012 | 9:15 am
I think you SHOULD join the Rotary! You’d look GREAT driving one of those little cars in the parade in your little red hat!
Um, that’s the Shriners. – FC
Comment by andy | 06.29.2012 | 9:17 am
Been reading Enders Game?
Yeah. I’m such a dope. – FC
Comment by davidh,marin | 06.29.2012 | 9:20 am
Me bad
to forget the Friday rule
of response
so
let me say
again
Join the Rotary
drive the little car
in the parade
wear
the red hat
with pride
elan
and a
smile
thank you
That’s a beautiful poem. But you’re still thinking of the Shriners. – FC
Comment by davidh,marin | 06.29.2012 | 9:22 am
I know, but imagine how you’d be noticed.
Comment by TK | 06.29.2012 | 9:25 am
As the Tour approaches
I can’t help but wonder
How many times
Phil and Paul will mention Lance.
I hope Phil forgets
About his contractual obligations
Because I can’t stand that guy.
Thank you
Comment by andy | 06.29.2012 | 9:30 am
Fatty, you can’t read too much sci-fi! Especially not a book that good.
Comment by Brian in VA | 06.29.2012 | 9:35 am
The beauty of the countryside
The celebration of the small towns
The pain of the climbs that are “beyond category”
The weird scoring if you’re not a cyclist
The attacks that work, the attacks that are reeled in only kilometers from victory
The good wine and cheeses
The Tour de France – three of my favorite weeks of the year!
Thank you
Comment by MellowJonny | 06.29.2012 | 9:36 am
I love the part about Levi: “hits a passerby in the face because he can.” Hilarious!
Keep up the excellent work, Fatty.
Comment by MtlDan | 06.29.2012 | 9:38 am
What? No mention of Hesjedal?
Does the Giro count for naught?
Or is it just too difficult
to slide ‘Hesjedal’ into a verse
gracefully?
Comment by Carl | 06.29.2012 | 9:39 am
The Tour de Donut Ohio version is on Sept 8th on the Ohio/Indiana border!
Comment by Sjw503 | 06.29.2012 | 9:44 am
And what of Cobo, the surprise of the Vuelta and Wiggins’ bane?
Comment by AKChick55 | 06.29.2012 | 9:48 am
I WISH I could be there for the Tour de Donut, except donuts make me nauseous – too much grease (thank goodness, ONE sweet food I can’t eat). Alas, it’s too expensive to fly down from Alaska. I need to be independently wealthy. Sigh. Maybe I need to start an Alaska version…
Of course, I will be watching Chris Horner (LOVE HIM!! Platonically, like a brother – he is FUN!), but I will be keeping an even closer eye on a certain young rider named Peter Sagan. That guy is AMAZING. I am curious if he can continue his brilliant riding in France. Is there anything he can’t do? Okay, maybe climb like a pure climber, but that guy is versatile. And really cute (sorry, I’m a girl, I can’t help but notice these things). Back to Horner – I would love to see him podium, but not sure if he can given the course, but there are some good mountain stages. We shall see.
By the way, this was your best free verse Friday yet!
Comment by AKChick55 | 06.29.2012 | 9:51 am
Oh yes, and if you happen to check the comments, the race you and the Hammer should partake of (I would be your sag wagon unless you’d let me ride with you but I’m super slow and NOT a climber, but I could train and get better) is the Fireweed 400. You could do the one way 200 mile ride as a relay to Valdez (big party there afterwards and is the race most people select) or you could do the 400 which is an out and back 24 hour affair. Or you could do the 300K tour where you overnight at a lodge. If we could get you two up here, I would turn our gear room into a place for you two to stay and be your tour guide. Not as nice as a fancy hotel, but a little more homey. :) A girl can dream!!
More info here: http://www.fireweed400.com/
Just think about it. :)
Comment by Elizabeth | 06.29.2012 | 9:55 am
Free Verse Friday
A new tradition
which I anticipate with …
great anticipation
The Tour de France
An old tradition
which I anticipate with …
Confusion, this year
What about the guy
who won the Tour of California
Is he riding?
But mostly
I will miss Andy
Thank you
Comment by Elizabeth | 06.29.2012 | 9:58 am
A correction
You mention Sagan
He is the guy
Good job in CA
I’m going with Sagan
this year
Thank you
Comment by ABQKenny | 06.29.2012 | 10:31 am
Ender’s Game is one of the greatest sci-fi books of all time!
Comment by Pat Schleck (the cyclist formerly known as MattC) | 06.29.2012 | 10:39 am
Michael Phelps
will win the
Comment by BonzoGal | 06.29.2012 | 10:43 am
Every morning I wake up
and make coffee for Eric L.
But he will not need coffee for a while
He will be up for the next three weeks
Up up up
Cowbells in the dawn
Will be my suitcase full of pain
The only time he will be down
Is when he sees that Bobke can’t get someone
to ride with him
D’awwwwwwwwww
Thank you.
Comment by Tommysmo | 06.29.2012 | 11:00 am
Le Tour arrives!
I’m going to the mountains
We shall camp for the flat stages
I shall return to see the hills and TTs
I have decided to cheer.
For Vande Velde
For his name speaks bicycle in another language.
Comment by Rod Martin | 06.29.2012 | 11:07 am
The French are…well French
which speaks volumes about their
aggravating Frenchiness,
BUT they do put on a great race.
Levi rules.
Not so much because he rescues Chihuahuas
but because he has the presence of mind,
and dexterity,
to punch folks in the throat as he goes by,
at 2x their speed.
The Tour de Donut loves Fatty – ’tis true –
and we promise
to not try
and kill him
this year
with a minivan.
Thank you.
Comment by sdcadbiker | 06.29.2012 | 11:19 am
Canadians can’t get no
respect from the fat man who stuffs his face
with donuts
and makes fun of others who do the same but prefer
Snickers
Comment by Obstinate Roadie | 06.29.2012 | 12:15 pm
Ryder Hesjedal
in the Giro, beat them all
’tisn’t possible he wins in France, most say
but that is why they have the race, eh?
Comment by ScottR | 06.29.2012 | 12:19 pm
Beautiful Levi shout out – well done, Fatty.
Comment by rabidrunner | 06.29.2012 | 12:21 pm
Free Verse Friday is my favorite for it fattens my fictive fancies!
Thank you.
Comment by Obstinate Roadie | 06.29.2012 | 12:25 pm
Levi Leipheimer
isn’t a bad climber
But when Frank throws it down
don’t expect him to still be around
Comment by Miles Archer | 06.29.2012 | 12:43 pm
Sagan has the star stuff
thank you
(I missed the typo – what was it?)
Comment by Obstinate Roadie | 06.29.2012 | 1:00 pm
Ever-smiling Chris Horner
downs cheeseburgers in the corner
Over 40, yet no retirement he’ll seek
for his legs, why, they are just beginning to peak!
Comment by kw | 06.29.2012 | 1:41 pm
At Le Tour
Luck collides
with decisions made
before they roll at Leige.
No pistol to hold aloft,
Fraternal bonds are broken
while the Belgian stands aside.
No thunder for the one down under
but King George rides one more.
Time runs hard against the climbers,
attack the col or concede the jersey.
Wiggins’ to lose?
Or the field to win?
Comment by mykill | 06.29.2012 | 4:35 pm
so new to the sport
i never followed the tour
or its tourists
but upon learning there is
a snickers connoisseur
old enough to be my kids’ dad
i think i might tune in this year
thank you
Comment by Anonymous | 06.29.2012 | 4:50 pm
Couldn’t have said it all better myself
But many say this year is defined
by those absent who doth not appear
Contador tops the list, now this man
this year, he could have had it All
For the clock is where he pulls away from Andy
Surely, but Contador/Wiggins TT matchup
I’m sad I will not get to see
Andy of course, now what if he had been
forced to ride this year without Frank?
Then the tables would turn, could he
ride without a sibling??
Bruyneel?
??????
?????
????
Achhh.. this year tis been strange
just HOW has he managed to “Banish”
his top three riders from his “List”
Jakob ???
the lad with the great hair was in
some great form this year, and we’ll just
never know..
Not in the Giro
Not in the Tour
Not in the Vuelta
Not til Saxo next year…
Comment by Erika | 06.29.2012 | 4:53 pm
Like Sanchez? No I’m sorry he has no chance..lol
Comment by Mayhemnsuz | 06.29.2012 | 6:11 pm
Because my back
is on the attack
i cannot go to work
While this is a pain
for my bank and my brain
instead I will get to look
At the prologue on the telly
with breakfast in my belly
I think this is…fantastic
I lost it at the end.
Thank you
Comment by Fuzz Martin | 06.29.2012 | 8:16 pm
The Tour de France, I’d like to watch
From my hotel room with my wife,
It’s our anniversary, and we’re in St. Louis
Alas, I’ll miss the time trial
And the #ridestreak that I’d like to do
Will start on the reclining stationary
Here in the Westin Spa area
Comment by ClydesdalePilot | 06.29.2012 | 9:21 pm
I met the young lad once,
one Peter Sagan
and I thought to myself
GOOD LORD THAT BOY IS SKINNY
I will root for
Levi Leipheimer
when in public
for fear of throat punches
I think the Aussie
who I prefer to call
CUDDLES
will win again
How does one go
creating a Tour de Donut?
I would like one here in SoCal.
And finally, the name we were all hoping Fatty would mention, for he is clearly the best at hitting beast mode:
JENS VOIGT.
thank you.
Comment by Skippy | 06.29.2012 | 10:32 pm
The Brits will wonder why you overlooked ” King Cav ” and those down under would wish for ” Greenedge ” !
Months ago i stuck my neck out and predicted the TDF podium would be filled with other than favourites , so Gossy for Green & Gerrans for Jaune !
Horny is going to leave a ” snickers ” trail all the way to the podium !
Comment by Nurse Betsy | 06.29.2012 | 11:04 pm
I know he has no chance to win
Don’t forget my boyfriend
Fabian.
The eye candy of cycling.
Comment by Al | 06.30.2012 | 5:47 am
If you look.
Carefully.
At the course of Le Tour,
And squint,
It looks a bit like a donut.
The sort your daughter might draw
If she is small.
Funny then that Le Tour
and the Utah Tour De Donut
Coincide.
Since I am unable to ride in either event
I will go out on my bike
Early on 7 July
So that I can sit down afterwards
And watch Brad ride Tomblaine / La Planche des Belles Filles.
I will wear my Team Fatty jersey
And eat a donut.
Or two
To honour my friends in Utah.
Thank you
Comment by Doug | 06.30.2012 | 6:06 pm
Pity the poor Americans
Feel sorry for the French
The British should be afraid, very afraid
The Spaniards and Italians nowhere will be found
when a Canadian Ryder puts the metal down
Comment by Hamish | 07.1.2012 | 1:56 am
Cadel, sulking? Surely you jest. Lest you want most of the population of Australia as enemies! Though I’d be happy to see Menchov and Ryder do well too.
Comment by Saso | 07.1.2012 | 1:38 pm
Good summary of doom
no doubt
but Gesink and Hesjedal loom
behind a cloud
Wiggins and Evans are the creme’
for sure
but Tour is long and things happen
without a cure
Time trials will be the key
roulers´ wrath
unless there´s some wild spree
in the Circle of Death
Comment by Wilfredo Wessler | 07.22.2012 | 3:25 am
Sky principal Brailsford wants to build on Wiggins’ success
Comment by Rubin | 08.17.2012 | 2:56 am
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