This Donut Race Has Gotten Completely Out of Control
A Note from Fatty: Before I begin, just a little housekeeping here. I am swamped with work and family stuff today, so don’t have time to give the race writeups — for the Leadman Tri and the Breck Epic — the attention they deserve. I think I’ll be able to get the Leadman Tri story up tomorrow; watch for it then. Watch for it, if you’d be so kind.
When I started this race against Levi Leipheimer — a mini-version of the Tour de Donut — I really expected it to just be me, Levi, and a chance to have some fun and raise some money for some really great causes.
It has since gotten way, way bigger than that.
At this point, it is now a team event, consisting of the following two teams:
Team Fatty will be made up of the following individuals, some of whom you may have heard of once or twice before:
Kristin Armstrong: Kristin Armstrong has two Olympic Gold Medals in the Time Trial (2008, 2012), three World Titles, five National Championships and countless other victories. The 2012 Olympic Games were the final races for Kristin, although her name will long live on in the record books as the most decorated female cyclist in US history.
Armstrong currently makes her home in Boise, Idaho with her husband, Joe Savola. Between her athletic career highlights spanning two decades and several sports, she also managed to succeed as a college graduate and a project manager at an ad agency. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in sports physiology from the University of Idaho. Always one to give back to the sports that have given her such success, she is a dedicated swimming instructor and coach. She serves as an ambassador to the YMCA of Boise, and tries to provide support and inspiration to the millions of Americans who suffer from arthritis.
Kristin has made it clear she will not eat donuts as part of this event. Instead, she will eat Dr. Lim’s rice cakes. I am still working out how this will factor into my team’s strategy.
Tom Danielson: Tom is a kick-butt pro cyclist, riding for Team Garmin-Sharp-Barracuda. I could list his accomplishments, but it’s a lot easier to just link to them and then summarize: he’s ridiculously fast and wins a lot.
Tom was born in ‘78, making him the youngster in the team. It is my assumption that he will eat many donuts. In fact, it is my expectation that he will take inspiration from the wild abandon I intend to bring to the donut-eating portion of the donut-eating contest, and make it his personal mission to match me, donut-for-donut.
Or at least to surpass Levi Leipheimer in his donut-eating consumption. That shouldn’t be too hard, frankly, because Levi is getting on in years and is likely to get a stern warning from Odessa along the lines of, “Remember the last time you ate a dozen donuts and what all the extra expense with the plumbing that caused.”
Me: I am a beloved, award-winning celebrity cycling megastar blogger, and have demonstrated that I can, without trying particularly hard, put away ten donuts. My biggest concern about being on my own team is that, while eating all thes donuts, I will look over Kristin’s way and see the look of disappointment in her eyes, and that will spoil my appetite.
That said, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in this whole group who has any experience at all with a donut race. And I’ve podiumed, too.
Team Fatty’s average age is 39.6.
What Team Levi lacks in youth (average age: 42.6, three years older than the average age of Team Fatty), it more than makes up in thickness of hair.
Except, of course, on Levi’s part.
Here are the people on Levi’s Team:
Rebecca Rusch: Rebecca has won the Leadville Trail 100 four times in a row and is the current and former course record holder for the event (In 2012, she broke her own record).
In addition to three 24-hour solo mountain bike World Champion rainbow jerseys, Rusch is the current World Champion for Master’s XC mountain biking, the 2011 National XC single-speed champion, and a three-time national champion in 24-hour team mountain biking. She has won Idaho’s Short Track state championship (twice), and a Cyclocross state title.
An accomplished Nordic skier, she’s won the Masters Cross Country Skiing World Championship, in addition to taking the top prize at Raid Gauloises Adventure Racing World Championships.
She can also crush rock with her bare hands and punch holes through brick walls. When she was a teenager, she made trouble by pushing buildings over.
I fear Rebecca.
Patrick Dempsey: In addition to acting, Patrick Dempsey is an avid cyclist and in fact has his own cycling event: The Dempsey Challenge, an event to benefit the Patrick Dempsey Center for Cancer Hope and Healing.
It has also been noted, from time to time, that Patrick is a handsome man. As such, is Patrick willing to gorge on donuts in a manner that can only be described as grossly unattractive? I think not.
[A personal aside: My sister has been known to stalk Patrick. For this, I intend to apologize, but not 'til I get him to sign something for her (cheapest birthday present, ever!) ]
Levi Leipheimer: Levi Leipheimer is, quite simply, mean. He will do whatever is necessary to win, and that clearly includes eating more donuts than would be considered safe or sane.
Normally, this would be a cause for concern, but the reality is that there are some extenuating circumstances that make me worry much less. Specifically, I know that I can eat more donuts in two minutes than Levi can eat in a month.
In fact, for the hell of it, I just ate my own body weight in donuts. It was easy.
Meanwhile, note that all three of the teammates in Team Levi have their livelihoods depend — to one degree or another — on not packing on the pounds.
Feel Free to Speculate
So, who will win this contest? Frankly, I don’t think there’s any question. Team Fatty will win.
However, your opinion may vary. In which case, feel free to speculate in the comments.
Whichever way you go, though, be sure to donate to my team or — if you think my reasoning is not sound — to Levi’s team.
Why? For two reasons:
- Because you could win some very cool schwag, or even a trip to Levi’s Gran Fondo next year. Read the details here.
- Because you’ll be contributing to three worthy charities: LiveStrong, VeloStreet, and Forget me Not Farms.
But seriously, it’s going to be a blowout.
Comment by Ryan | 09.24.2012 | 3:54 pm
Any chance you could get this televised with Bob Roll commentating?
Comment by NYCCarlos | 09.24.2012 | 3:58 pm
I second televising or at least having the hammer live-blog this event.
Comment by Luke | 09.24.2012 | 4:16 pm
A live video stream would be awesome!
Comment by LidsB2 | 09.24.2012 | 4:24 pm
I third televising.
Is it just me, or does Levi’s noggin look amazingly large in that photo? Proportionally, I mean… It’s like an orange on a toothpick. It’s a virtual planetoid. It’s got its own weather system. It’s like Sputnik. It’s spherical, but quite pointy in parts. It’s a huge noggin!
Sorry Levi…he’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
Comment by Anonymous | 09.24.2012 | 5:05 pm
@LidsB2, love the “So I Married an Ax Murder” reference.
Comment by Kevin M | 09.24.2012 | 5:33 pm
This is going to be a great event! I wonder if Jens would like to get a team for a chance to put Levi in a headlock…Hammer could be the lady on the team and I am sure Ben Stiller would right?
Comment by JodieA | 09.24.2012 | 5:45 pm
Great ideal @Kevin! I’d love to see Jens in this race. How about Chris Horner for a fourth team? I’m sure you could find enough people to fill out a couple more teams. Then it would be easy to get Phil and Paul to come and televise it.
Comment by MattC | 09.24.2012 | 6:30 pm
So, just WHAT are the rules here Fatty? I can’t possibly pick a team until I know that vital information. And what is the course? (or is this all still ‘in work?) Is there a deduction for hurling?
Comment by Barton | 09.24.2012 | 6:31 pm
I am disappointed that not everyone will be eating donuts. Sorry, Fat-my-man, but I’m thinking non-attemping of donuting eating should result in a time penalty – eating healthy rice cakes is not in the spirit of the event.
Of course, I am a cake donut lover, so I shall always be pro-donut! Life is too short not to eat a donut!
Comment by Tom | 09.24.2012 | 7:08 pm
Fatty wrote: “My sister has been known to stalk”
It looks like he didn’t finish his thought. I guess that’s what happens when you snack on your body weight in donuts and you’re larger than the average toddler!
Knock’em dead, Fatty!
Comment by Fat Cathy | 09.24.2012 | 7:18 pm
I agree with Barton – eating healthy rice cakes should result in a time penalty.
Comment by Carl | 09.24.2012 | 7:30 pm
You guys are going to have so much fun. I wish I could be there to see it. I’m putting my money on Team Fatty. And Fatty, may I suggest you hide some form of spiked collar under your jersey so Levi can’t strangle you again.
Comment by Liz | 09.24.2012 | 7:34 pm
I will donate! But I have to go with Team Levi. Rebecca is so cool and the only person on either team that I’ve met.
Comment by Obstinate Roadie | 09.24.2012 | 8:04 pm
The only thing that could make this race any weirder is if Dave Zabriskie shows up with a handlebar mustache and riding a penny farthing.
Comment by Jim B | 09.24.2012 | 8:14 pm
Wow, out of control is right. I’ve already made a doughnation, but this makes me want to doughnate again.
Comment by ScottR | 09.24.2012 | 9:59 pm
I’m not sure if this is any more awesome that a simple Levi vs Fatty race… but the more the merrier.
It does seem to be getting insane enough to warrant third party sponsorship, web streaming, and even more money to charity though :-)
Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 09.24.2012 | 10:56 pm
@MattC Rules? We don’t need no stink’n rules!
And ‘no doughnuts for me clause’? Can we really call these people Friends of Fatty I would suggest we have these individuals stand aside they can ‘hand out’ the donuts to the true professionals.
I’ll be there with my son. If we can get close enough to the ‘racers’ we’ll get pictures for the rest of us.
And Fatty. There’s a writer amongst us in the St. Louis area and and alledged FoF. I’m sure he could dash out a few stories for you under your byline.
Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 09.24.2012 | 10:58 pm
….I should have added: ….since most of these stories are fiction, right??
Comment by GJ Jackie | 09.24.2012 | 11:13 pm
What’s the back story on how you got Kristin and Tommy D to join you? Who reached out to whom?
Comment by Nancy_in_MN | 09.25.2012 | 4:16 am
@JimB Fabulous conversion of “donation” to “doughnation”! It makes me also wish to doughnate again… this time for the other side, so I can cheer without bias.
And…
The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here! Er, I mean, the new FC gear has arrived, the new FC gear has arrived! Since I live in Twin Six town, maybe I was one of the first to receive my package. Cant wait to don my Neapolitan kit and ride! It looks great, right down to the socks and water bottle!
Comment by Ken Koz | 09.25.2012 | 4:37 am
I believe that if a rider is participating in a donut race, they should have to eat at least one donut and not a “rice cake.” If at least one donut is eaten, then they are free to eat as many rice cakes as they want, but the time deduction is half what it is for a donut.
Comment by Brian Ledford | 09.25.2012 | 5:52 am
With the USAPCC still fresh in memory, the question of what to do with a “zabriskie scenario” seems pertinent. If someone “quite literally turns themselves inside out” [/paul sherwin], what then?
Comment by Jennifer | 09.25.2012 | 6:00 am
Ok – seriously? You load the teams *after* I’ve chosen sides and donated? I call foul on that one fatty. See you at the donut shop.
Comment by AnneJuliet | 09.25.2012 | 6:07 am
Any possibility of my donating to Team Levi was eliminated due him putting the adorable Jensie in a headlock. I cannot believe Patrick would align himself with such a person. unbelievable. Team Fatty for EVA.
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.25.2012 | 6:12 am
One word:
Pay per view for charity
Okay, five words. But do it.
Comment by plum | 09.25.2012 | 6:58 am
Fatty, it’s time. I’ve followed you for years, and it has been a story worth reading. But I can’t take the head-in-the-sand nonsense anymore. Your “bio” for Danielson casually omits why he’s, in your words, “ridiculously fast and wins alot” (both points debatable I may add). The breaking point for me. I used to find you a genuine guy, but you’re more interested in the spectacle of aligning yourself with these individuals who are implicated in the destruction of the sport we love. I’m not interested in it anymore. Tommy D is the last straw. The one thing I want to do on this earth is make Top Notch on Mount Washington. My cousin’s ashes were scattered at the top of that mountain. And you’re rubbing elbows with the guy who holds the “record” for that event, an all but admitted doper. Forget it. Bon chance.
I wish you well. – FC
Comment by roan | 09.25.2012 | 7:21 am
Hummmm…two tables at the pit stop. One for Dr. Lim’s rice cakes (bought the book, 1st thing I made) and one for the doughynuts. Fatty don’t be surprised if you are the only one eating donuts…er…maybe you and Mr. Dempsey (Momma always said, “He never had a lick of sense, no how”).
Comment by Andrew | 09.25.2012 | 8:53 am
You should add a Marco Pantani look-a-like contest for you and LL (you are both half way there). With super-double-bonus points for turning up in the Carrera faux-jeans kit.
http://aiko.chez-alice.fr/PCM/maillot/carrera96.png
http://www.laekhouse.com/blog/?p=1027
Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 09.25.2012 | 8:56 am
@PaulGuyot payperview you’re welcome. Now please finish Fatty’s stories.
@Jennifer 6:00am Really? You needed to know who was on Elden’s Team before you’d back him?
Fatty’s plan(sorry to spoil it) is to have Tommy and Kristen RACE while he eats a copious quantity of doughnuts, thereby gaining a significant time advantage for his team.
New phone books coming! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Cathy | 09.25.2012 | 9:10 am
I don’t believe that Tommy D doped. Even if his current coach said he doped and he testified against Lance ARMSTRONG, until there’s proof, I’ll just assume he’s innocent.
Comment by Jeff | 09.25.2012 | 9:32 am
Hey Plum, way to make something fun into something serious. I love guys like you. Good luck in your next pro race.
Comment by roan | 09.25.2012 | 9:46 am
Fatty, if’n your team wins, nothing like putting yourself on the 3rd Place on the podium.
Comment by Kanyon Kris | 09.25.2012 | 9:52 am
Elden you are a promotional mad genius. What crazy fun this will be.
Comment by Aragorn | 09.25.2012 | 10:04 am
Rice cakes with Nutella. Or my personal favorite, rice cakes with peanut butter and marshmallow creme.
Comment by Jodi | 09.25.2012 | 11:37 am
I vote for the sister stalker!
Ok listen up. I’m not so much a stalker as an admirer but let’s not split hairs here because think of the children (that Patrick Dempsey and I would have if he would admit he loves me.)
Anyway – though it pains me to defy true love I will back my bro. Fatty all the way! Love this event. You’re the second coolest person in our family!
Comment by Heather | 09.25.2012 | 11:46 am
At this point I may be more excited to watch this event Friday than I am to ride Levi’s Gran Fondo Saturday.
Comment by Gumby | 09.25.2012 | 12:55 pm
Pie in the face to the losers! Wait… make that to the winners!
Mmmmmm. Piiiiiie. – FC
Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 09.25.2012 | 1:29 pm
Don’t worry Elden I’ll find a pie to bring worthy of your consumption. You are not rerequired to share.
Comment by Keighty | 09.25.2012 | 1:44 pm
I’m impressed Plum was able to read any of the post at all with the picture of Patrick Dempsey on there.
Comment by T | 09.25.2012 | 3:45 pm
if you’ve noticed on twitter, tom danielson’s posted pictures of him with doughnuts. i think he’s excited …
Comment by AKChick55 | 09.25.2012 | 5:17 pm
Hey Plum, Don’t let the door hit you in the @$$ on the way out. You won’t be missed by anyone. A classy person would have stopped reading the blog. Of course, a self-righteous one has to take a fun event that is going to do a lot of good and make it ugly. Way to go. This is not the venue to debate doping or get on a soapbox. This is a blog for Fatty to talk about whatever he wants to talk about and if people don’t like it, STOP READING IT. This is not your blog. If you want to rail to the heavens about pro racers doping, do it on your own blog. Sheesh. The one place I can go to get away from all that crap is Fatty’s blog. So, as I stated before, don’t let the door hit you in the @$$.
Comment by AKChick55 | 09.25.2012 | 5:21 pm
I want my TwinSix stuff. :( Even though it’s now too cold to wear it unless I wear something warm over it. Would it be too much if I wore it on my spin bike? It’s in my house so no one will see me. :)
Comment by davidh-marin, ca | 09.25.2012 | 5:31 pm
@AK Chick Right On! Though I worry that the tenor of this response may be an early sign of autumn and the waning of sunshine in the great north. Please don’t be SAD so early in the season. Pace yourself for December January, and February.
Comment by Miles Archer | 09.25.2012 | 6:17 pm
Jersey and bib shorts showed up in the mail yesterday. Will be wearing them on my lunchtime ride tomorrow.
Comment by MarkinBoise | 09.25.2012 | 8:12 pm
Holy cow. Two participants from Idaho, that has to be some kind of record. But please, Kristen, Rice Cakes? Seriously? It is only one day in your life, they won’t hurt you one bit. Don’t leave Fatty out there alone at the donut table. Life is too short, go for the donuts! Goodluck!
Comment by Penina | 09.25.2012 | 9:37 pm
I’m thinking maybe the ricers could have a gluten problem, in which case standard donuts could be a major problem for them…. so I’ll just give benefit of the doubt, and allow for rice cakes.
Comment by Susie H | 09.25.2012 | 9:47 pm
baaaaaa baaaaaa baaaadass! :)
(can’t wait for Friday!)
Comment by Brandy | 09.26.2012 | 4:16 pm
TommyD posted a pic of himself “training” with a sprinkled donut. Any extra points for sprinkles in this race?
Comment by Michael | 09.26.2012 | 7:26 pm
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT KRISTIN ARMSTRONG!!!!
As I was driving into Boise to see Les Miserables this past Saturday, I said to my wife, “Wouldn’t it be so cool if we just happened to bump into Kristin Armstrong while we’re here? Man, what I wouldn’t give to meet her.” My wife, of course, was weirded out by this comment. But you get the point.
You’re SO LUCKY, Fatty! I’m cheering for your team, for sure.