Free Verse Friday: Lament of the Tri-Dork
A Note from Fatty: It has been far, far too long since I have posted an installment of Free Verse Friday. I am pleased — oh, so very, pleased — to rectify that now.
Here I stand
In front of a mirror
Peering, wondering
Who is this person?
How did he get here?
And why,
On Earth,
Am I wearing this ridiculous outfit?
Some things are better
Left unasked
Was I not born for greatness?
No, I suppose I was not.
And yet
Surely I was not born to fret
Over such trivialities
As the time it takes
To put on socks
When one has just
Exited the water
(And while
I am at it
Would someone please
Tell me
Why
I am getting in such frigid water
At all?
Absurdity!)
How can it be
That I am losing sleep
Over whether I should carry
Four gels or five
While I ride 56 miles
Should I not rather
Be contemplating
The nature of the picnic lunch
I am packing?
But no
Tomorrow I will arise
And board a bus
And stand around for three hours
And be unable
To talk or listen
Or anything really
Because my anxiety
Is soaring
To unheard-of heights
(Shall I poop once more
Before the race begins?)
I shall swim
And be kicked in the face
In frigid waters
I will ride my bike
which has been specially designed
To force me to look
Straight down at the road
And not at
The grand splendor
Which is all around me
I will run
And betimes walk
In this pair of shoes
And no socks
Or the other pair of shoes
And socks
Such are the worries
That confound me
And still
I must confess
I am excited
And anxious
And completely cool
With the fact
That stares me
In the face:
I have become
That which I mock.
Dissonance.
PS: My race number is 2261. The Hammer’s is 2076. If you’d like to track our progress tomorrow, I suspect (but do not know for sure) that the Ironman Live Coverage site would be a good place to do it. The Hammer’s wave starts at 7:48am MT; my wave starts at 7:54 MT. The very soonest either of us will cross the finish line will be five hours later, and may more like six.
Comment by Isaac | 05.3.2013 | 8:24 am
This cannot be
A proper Free Verse Friday poem
Ends with “Thank You”
Thank You.
Laments are a special case and may finish with “Dissonance.” – FC
Comment by Brian in VA | 05.3.2013 | 8:29 am
Free verse Friday is back
And my heart sings
Because today, I commuted to work
On my bike, for the first time
And I’m smiling
Because it’s National Bike Month
With many more rides to come
Oh, the sheer joy
Fatty and The Hammer
Duke it out this weekend
For familial bragging rights
And joyous competition
May you both exceed
The goal for which you strive!
Thank You.
Comment by wharton_crew | 05.3.2013 | 8:33 am
At 7:26 in the morning, I was unprepared to see that picture. My Friday is ruined, at least until I take a swig of water to wash down that bit-o-vomit that I just experienced upon seeing the combination of longer-sleeved body suit and an aero helmet. A few thoughts that were instantly seared into my brain:
1. Your quads are each bigger than your waist now.
2. That aero helmet makes you look like Alien and Fancy Nancy photoshopped together.
3. Why did I say I had a ‘few’ thoughts when I really only had a couple, thereby forcing me to create this random ‘filler’ thought?
4. Oh cool, another thought, courtesy of Seinfeld: shrinkage!!
Good Luck!
Rob
Comment by UpTheGrade SR,CA | 05.3.2013 | 8:34 am
I’ve read Pigmalian,
but never thought Fatty
could be transformed
from funny mamalian
to spacey Tri-Alien
Comment by Jenny | 05.3.2013 | 8:55 am
Have fun – and – really – wear socks on the run! I have some nice tri shoes that constantly lead me to let hope triumph over experience – even a couple miles inevitably leads to a heel blister – you will not be sorry to have put on the socks…
Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 05.3.2013 | 9:11 am
Good luck to both you and Lisa….
Comment by Turn The Damn Cranks | 05.3.2013 | 9:19 am
So little verse, free or otherwise
Sad
Thank you
Comment by UpTheGrade SR,CA | 05.3.2013 | 9:24 am
The weather’s suddenly hot,
My legs still hurt from April Alpina,
And I have a 200k tomorrow,
But when I’m out on the road,
spinning the wheels at speed,
Its sheer joy!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 05.3.2013 | 9:27 am
Its been so long
without free verse
i
forget
the rules.
the pose
standing tall(?)
for battle
or
de-feet
The Hammer
torn
between
domination
and support
the battle
royal
will be won
by he who has
the most fun.
Thank you!
Go Hammer!
Comment by Cindy | 05.3.2013 | 9:32 am
Deserving Isaac is duly awarded
5000 entirely useless
bonus points
for ponting out
your glaring omission.
Thank you
and thank you.
;-)
Comment by Clydesteve | 05.3.2013 | 9:38 am
Sunny day
Bike month – May!
At work – Boo!
But, no car here, bike – Yay!
Ride home, afternoon, long
Fun ahead!
I mock thee Fatty Tri-Dork,
My fun is will be without dorkhood
much, anyway
Thank you
Comment by Clydesteve | 05.3.2013 | 9:41 am
Fatty,
please, please pose in your tri-dork kit just like the alien in the picture provided by @UpTheGrade SR,CA
you will need a tail – just improvise – perhaps a bike pump coming out of your butt?
Comment by Clydesteve | 05.3.2013 | 9:41 am
and remove your lips for the photo as well, please
Comment by Travis | 05.3.2013 | 9:42 am
To poop
to sock
to enter water too cold for survival
to ride straight and true
ridiculous helmet
to walk
to sock
picnic
Thank You
Comment by Wife#1 | 05.3.2013 | 9:52 am
The challenge awaits!
Excitement.
Anxiety.
Possible pooping?
Blister pus.
Online tracking!
What could be finer in this world?
All else pales to compare.
What mere mortal could resist the urge spend 5-6 hours following such greatness from afar?
The mother.
The mother cycling a metric century with two children of the corn: 9 and 12.
The mother who will wake them at zero dark early to be starting right when the course open at 6am.
Not to win.
Indeed no.
Because it is likely,
nay certain,
that the lowly 65 miles,
and gently hilled they are,
will take far longer to complete than a half marathon.
9 hours perhaps?
The mother will experience
whining
laughing
crying
more laughing
complaining
even more laughing
cajoling
and ultimately….
Threats
followed by
Bribes
She awaits tomorrow nervously,
uncertain if success is at hand.
Hoping with every fiber of her being,
that the Hoo Ha Ride Glide arrives today.
Thank you.
And good luck to everyone doing something that seriously challenges you in some way this weekend!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 05.3.2013 | 10:03 am
shouldn’t the photographer
forced to take
this picture
be credited?
or was that the
requirement
anonymity?
Thank you.
(i hope it wasn’t a child)
Comment by off-roadie | 05.3.2013 | 11:50 am
I once did a ‘cross race
In which a section of the course had flooded
With knee deep water
The night before
The weather was warm
So the race directors left it in.
The combination of riding
Running
And something very near swimming
Caused me to loose significant sleep.
I feared I might be labeled
Tri-dork…
I can only imagine how you must feel
Thank you (and I’m sorry)
Comment by Tom in Albany | 05.3.2013 | 11:54 am
Fatty sucked in
his gut
for the picture.
My son
yesterday
said
“Daddy, will you drive
to work tomorrow so
you have energy left
in your legs to jump on the
trampoline with me when
you get
home?”
I rode at lunchtime.
Thank you.
Thank you
very much.
Comment by ClydeinKS | 05.3.2013 | 11:55 am
Would like to add
to Free Verse Friday
yet all I can see and say is
May 3rd, SNOW ?!?!
Seriously affecting the family weekend run and ride plans!!
Forget the wetsuit Fatty, Polar Bear Plunge!!
Comment by Skye | 05.3.2013 | 12:19 pm
You complain of water
frigid, perhaps
but still WATER!
My water is still
ice
and more snow falls as I type.
A dreadful lament,
I close with
Dissonance.
Comment by Elizabeth | 05.3.2013 | 12:33 pm
Others expoits sound
So exciting for
This weekend.
My expoits will be
in the kitchen.
Where I will prepare
a Mexican dinner for my
aged in-laws.
I categorically refuse
to watch them eat tacos.
It will be enchilada casserole.
2 pitchers of Margaritas are
not enough.
Do I have to share?
I will dream of riding my bike.
Perhaps on Sunday.
Thank you.
Comment by Brian | 05.3.2013 | 12:37 pm
Here’s my own free verse Friday with a little haiku
Nice package Fatty
You massive tri-dork toolbag
Kick butt Saturday
Comment by Saso | 05.3.2013 | 12:42 pm
Good luck
on your quest
to achieve
tri-greatness.
Have a good one!
Comment by Jacob | 05.3.2013 | 12:48 pm
There is no way to look cool in a time trial helmet when you’re not on a time trial bike. At least you have the sweet bike to go with it. I’d look ridiculous on my regular road bike wearing that even during a triathlon.
Comment by Jacob | 05.3.2013 | 12:51 pm
Wait. You’re going to put on socks for your bike shoes and then take them off to put on the running shoes? Doesn’t that defeat the entire purpose of not wearing socks on the run?
Comment by Ellen | 05.3.2013 | 1:31 pm
That was
Awesome
Thank you
Comment by randy | 05.3.2013 | 1:52 pm
And you may ask yourself
Self …?
How did I get here?
This is not my beautiful hat
These are not my beautiful tights
Where does that highway go to?
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Comment by Kukui | 05.3.2013 | 1:58 pm
A St. George Half-Ironman Haiku:
Wishing Best of Luck
To Fatty and The Hammer
Have fun out there, guys!
Thank you.
P.S. That is one of those pictures that are worth so much more than 1,000 words. Have a great race, Fatty and Lisa! =)
Comment by TK | 05.3.2013 | 3:44 pm
There are some things
That cannot be unseen.
A shirtless hairy man in bib shorts
A dude in a banana hammock
And Fatty in his Tri suit and TT helmet.
Thank you.
Comment by John Boy | 05.3.2013 | 6:49 pm
You rock Fatty! Good luck tomorrow.
Comment by Al Pastor | 05.4.2013 | 5:03 am
I wish
I was
swimming
or riding
or even maybe running
this weekend.
Alas
I am in Shanghai
Comment by Kate | 05.4.2013 | 6:48 am
Madness, pure and simple. It would be best to poop definately.
Comment by MukRider | 05.4.2013 | 8:12 am
For results I’ll check the live tracker
It’s the Hammer for whom I’m a backer
On the bike Fatty’s fast
But I think that won’t last
In the swim bike and run he can’t hack her.
Thank you
Live tracker is UP, the race is on :)
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 05.4.2013 | 9:00 am
@MukRider
Something’s fishy in St George
The TriDork leads The Hammer by 3:56
IN THE SWIM?
I think he was wearing the TT Helmet
is that legal?
Go Hammer!
Comment by Heidi | 05.4.2013 | 9:06 am
Annnnnnd they’re off!
On another note, Fatty, perhaps you would consider putting an ad on your site linking to Susan’s book…
Comment by MukRider | 05.4.2013 | 9:29 am
@davidh
I think you’re right, something is definitely FISHY!! I think The Hammer can still pull it out based on Fatty’s poor footwear choices ;)
Go Hammer!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 05.4.2013 | 9:55 am
First Split in the Ride.
I think The Hammer may be channeling Tammy Wynette….. “Stand by your man
C’mon Hammer!!!!!! We have to listen to him. You just have to live with him. Hah!
Comment by Noel | 05.4.2013 | 11:58 am
Fatty said originally he could put a half-hour into The Hammer over the swim and run legs and still lose at the line. Since he only managed to put about 23 minutes into her, I’m thinking The Hammer is gonna take the overall win.
Go Hammer!
Comment by MukRider | 05.4.2013 | 12:23 pm
After the bike leg The Hammer is 5th in her age group! That is AMAZING for a non-triathlete!! (especially so considering her strongest sport is running)
Go Hammer!
Comment by Davidh-Marin,ca | 05.4.2013 | 12:59 pm
@mukrider, @noel. The Hammer is Amazing!!!!!!!
Let’s hope for a Wide World of Sports moment where we see the thrill of victory….due to the agony of defeet.
Go Hammer!
Comment by MukRider | 05.4.2013 | 1:06 pm
But Fatty refuses to let his feet get the best of him and looks like he’ll finish strong!
Go FATTY!!!
Comment by Davidh-Marin,ca | 05.4.2013 | 1:55 pm
@mukrider
Someone’s changing horses!
Go hammer,,,,
Comment by MukRider | 05.4.2013 | 1:58 pm
I’ll bet on any horse as long as it’s fast! :)
Amazing race by both of them!! Fatty goes sub 5:30 and The Hammer gets 4th in age group! Pretty dang good for a couple of try-geek rookies!!! Obviously not new to the endurance racing thing :)
Comment by Bykjunkie | 05.4.2013 | 2:09 pm
Awesome times! Congrats to fatty and Hammer!!
Comment by Marsupial MattC | 05.4.2013 | 3:15 pm
Wow…Fatty did GREAT…put time on the Hammer in the swim (wasn’t expecting THAT), then had a sensational ride…and looking at the run times the Hammer just couldn’t gain it all back…it would appear all our premonitions over the agony of ‘de-feet’ didn’t happen…Fatty did a pretty great run! And thus my prediction of the Hammer overall by 3 minutes was WAY off!
Great day for you both…I guess Fatty likes being the underdog. I shall remember that and not do it again. I am humbled by you both (however, I need to toss this out there: does Hammer’s bike have those awesome Dura Ace C50 wheels? And does she have an aero-helmet? I think there is some equipment disparity here that MUST be addressed).
Dissonance
Comment by Davidh-Marin,ca | 05.4.2013 | 3:43 pm
@mattc. The real dissonance is now there’s going to be a larger than life bronze statue of a ‘tri-dork’ in someone’s yard in Utah. Since he works from home the tri-suit might even become every day wear.
Won’t the neighbors be impressed. (?)
Comment by Walter | 05.6.2013 | 4:05 am
Awesome results, you two!! Congratulations!!