If You Like Piña Coladas…and Crewing for 25 Hours
Today is a lucky day for you. Such a lucky day. For today is the day I offer you an unbelievable opportunity. The kind of opportunity that changes your life. An opportunity the like of which does not come along every day. No it does not.
And if it seems like I’m overselling this just a bit, well, that’s just because it is such a fantastic opportunity that I have been losing sleep, every single night, over the fear that I will undersell this extraordinary opportunity, due to the fact that it is so amazingly wonderful and life-enriching and just generally extraordinary that I am, even now, trying to think of ways that I myself could avail myself of this opportunity, instead of giving it to myself.
But I will not do that, because it would be selfish of me to keep this for myself. And I am not selfish. No I am not.
Also, I’m pretty sure it would be impossible for me to do this myself, in the absence of some pretty sophisticated time-traveling or cloning technology. Both of which I possess, naturally, but neither of which I like to use (the time-traveling software is what I charitably call “in alpha state;” using the cloning machine causes an unacceptably large spike in my electricity bill).
Wow, I’m really rambling this morning, aren’t I? I guess that’s what happens when I’m not writing a multi-parter.
But I will be writing another multi-part series soon, about a big new adventure.
And if you’re the right kind of person, with the right skills and the right availability, I need your help in making that adventure happen.
So please, allow me to tell you the what, who, why, and how to apply. And then you can let me know whether you’d like to be a part of it.
What
This November 2-3, I will be racing — in the solo singlespeed category — the 25 Hours of Frog Hollow.
And so will The Hammer.
And so will Kenny.
That’s right, all three of us are racing in what I consider to be the single best 25-hour mountain bike race around. Beautiful course, awesome vibe, great gimmick (it’s 25 hours instead of 24 because the race happens over the time change every year).
Oh, and all three of us will be racing on singlespeeds.
And none of us have any crew arranged. You see, The Hammer and I recently spent any and all brownie points we had accumulated with our friends and family; nobody we know is interested in crewing for us again.
And Heather can’t crew for Kenny; she’s on a team herself.
So, we could use a little (OK, a lot of) help. A little kindness from strangers.
Which (if you’re very, very lucky) is where you come in.
Who
We need someone to take care of us. Or really, we need multiple someones to take care of us, because while none of the three of us are particularly high maintenance, three low-maintenance racers is still a lot to maintain. So if I were going to put together qualifications for our crew, here’s what would go on the list.
- Mechanical Genius: We need someone to take care of our bikes, along with our bike-related stuff. You’ll be in charge of making sure all three of our bikes stay in perfect riding condition, which — in rocky, sandy riding conditions — can be quite a bit of work. But hey, at least you won’t have to worry about derailleurs, right? Also, you’d be the person who gets our lights mounted on our bikes and helmets at the appropriate times, and ensures that we always have a charged battery at the ready.
- Chef: OK, honestly we’re not expecting any chef-ing from our chef. We just want someone who understands what each of us prefers to eat (and that these preferences can shift pretty dramatically during the course of a long race) and can keep us fueled for 25 hours.
- Clothing and Morale Officer: As the day turns to night and then back again, we’re going to be layering and then de-layering. We’ll need someone who knows what we’re going to need to be wearing before we do, have it ready for us and — if necessary — help us into it. And also to make us feel good about ourselves as we’re riding, using a clever combination of cowbells and inspirational quotes (e.g., “Looking strong, Fatty!”).
Is this three people we need? Maybe, but it’s also entirely possible that the Mechanical Genius is also the Clothing and Morale Officer. Probably two people will be enough to take care of all three of us.
Ideally, the crew would live at least somewhat locally. As in, within driving distance. For one thing, I can’t afford to fly anyone out and back, nor can I afford to reimburse anyone for anything more than a reasonable amount of gasoline expenses (driving from South Carolina, for example, is not what I consider reasonable).
If you’ve got access to an RV you can bring, that suddenly moves you to the very top of the list of candidates. Although if you don’t have one, we’ll still work something out. The Hammer and I have a ginormous tent, for example, and Kenny’s Amazing Sprinter Van will be available at least sometimes.
Oh, and if you’re the kind of person who gets into arguments with people — yeah, I know it’s because you’re right and your way is better — please don’t apply. I don’t want to ride for 25 hours knowing that I’m going to be dealing with a tense atmosphere each time I roll through the crew area.
Why
I really don’t even know why I’m writing this section, because it’s totally self-evident why you’d want to be a part of this incredibly wonderful experience, and I’m fully expecting to get a complete flood of applications. Still, here are a few things — both good and bad — you can expect as part of being in the Team Fatty crew for 25 Hours in Frog Hollow:
- Watch The Hammer in Action: The Hammer is having a banner year. She’s the reigning Leadville 100 women’s singlespeed champ and record holder, as well as the reigning Salt to Saint women’s solo champ and record holder. The fact is, it’s now pretty rare for her to not finish on the podium in whatever she does. Many people would pay good money to watch her race.
- Watch an Epic Battle: It used to be a given that Kenny would thrash me anytime he and I raced. That’s no longer the case. Nobody will have a better sense of how either of us is doing as this head-to-head slugfest unfolds than you.
- See Kenny in Various States of Dress and Undress: There’s no escaping the fact that Kenny is an unusually handsome man, and he’s going to be changing clothes sometimes. You will have to decide for yourself how compelling of a reason this is for you to apply as you balance that fact against the reality that I, too, will be changing clothes sometimes.
- See Fatty Go Completely and Cheerfully Incoherent: It’s a well-known fact that when I race, I quickly lose all powers of higher reasoning and speech, while I simultaneously become happier and happier. It’s a near-certainty that as the day progresses, I’ll become an amiable, incoherent idiot. Seriously, you will be utterly convinced that I am filling my bottles with something a touch more potent than CarboRocket.
- Have a Front-Row Seat to the Entire Race: We have a spot reserved on Solo Row, which means that you’ll not only see us going by every lap, you’ll see all the racers going by every lap. Having a spot on the course is a pretty exciting place to be.
- We Won’t Pay for Much, if Anything: As I have mentioned, this is not a paid position. I just want to be clear on that.
- If the Weather Sucks, We Aren’t Racing: We’re excited for this race. We are, really. But if it’s snowing or raining or there’s a plague of locusts or something, we’re just going to call it a day. The good news is, you will not be required to crew for us through plagues of locusts.
How to Apply
So, if you want to be a part of this — and I’m sure you do — send me an email. Here’s what you’ve got to do:
- Address it to fatty@fatcyclist.com.
- Make the subject “Crewing Application”. Make it exactly that (but, you know, without the quotes and punctuation and stuff). If you make it something clever designed to stand out from the crowd, it will almost certainly instead get entirely overlooked.
- Tell me what part of crewing you’re good at, where you’d be traveling from, and so forth.
And of course, if I don’t pick you, it doesn’t mean you’re not awesome.
In fact, it probably means you’re just a little bit too awesome, and I’m afraid of you.
Comment by Clydesteve | 10.14.2013 | 11:09 am
some pretty sophisticated time-traveling or cloning technology. Both of which I possess, naturally, but neither of which I like to use (the time-traveling software is what I charitably call “in alpha state;” using the cloning machine causes an unacceptably large spike in my electricity bill).
Fatty, you got this backwards – Time travel uses the huge amount of electricity – giga-watts of it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-77xulkB_U
Great Scott! – FC
Comment by Jerry Pringle | 10.14.2013 | 11:13 am
Dang, I can’t make it, but your opening paragraph reminds me of a college baseball coach who said, after a game between the college and the Yankees got rained out, that “A once in a lifetime opportunity doesn’t come around very often!” Also, I like the South Carolina reference, we live here! Have Fun!
Comment by Jeff Bike | 10.14.2013 | 11:25 am
Dang! I can’t come to take care of you guys. I’m doing a little race on Nov.2 myself, the Tour de Gruene ITT. Sorry may be next time.
Comment by berry | 10.14.2013 | 11:27 am
There I was – ready to sign up – but of course, I live in South Carolina, too! Oh well – maybe you’ll come ride on this side of the country eventually…
Comment by PBRMEASAP | 10.14.2013 | 11:28 am
Stop the WEST COAST BIAS.
You know I’d love to have you easterners come over. Really, I would. I just can’t afford you. – FC
Comment by Wife#.667 | 10.14.2013 | 11:47 am
Oh thank DAWG we’re in DC for David’s niece’s wedding that weekend, otherwise he’d abandon me with the kids to be there faster than FC rides after drinking 16 Red Bulls.
Oh wait, did I say that out loud? I meant, oh SHOOT. We have to be at a family wedding. What a pity. I know David would LOVE to crew for you. Perhaps next year? When I have had ample time to schedule a concurrent spa weekend for myself? ;-) He would be a pretty awesome chef for you, his skills go way beyond pie.
Have fun you crazy, wonderful man!
Comment by Tom in Albany | 10.14.2013 | 11:49 am
I’m out. I’ll be celebrating my Dad’s 77th birthday instead. IF I think of you, though, I’ll be sure and have something else to eat!
P.S. – My strength is being told what’s needed. If you want me to guess, you’re screwed!
Comment by Geo | 10.14.2013 | 12:05 pm
If I lived closer (southeast Texas) I would gladly take care of mechanical and chef duties. I , however, would refuse to help you put on bib shorts.
Comment by AUChefDave | 10.14.2013 | 12:42 pm
So I’m currently an unemployed “Chef” who cooked for a large fraternity,145. And the fact that I live in Alabama disqualifies me? That is a shame, because I have learned to become quite the moral booster over the years. Have fun and enjoy the ride!!!
Comment by ClydeinKS | 10.14.2013 | 1:29 pm
What an opportunity and what a shame for the distance involved in getting there. I would’ve been sure to have added exactly what you need “more cow bell!”
And wouldn’t pie and beer brats be the perfect ride fuel? I could’ve brought my own stand and tools too :-( I’m already anticipating this summary and race report!!
With these saddened bow outs showing up, I hope some great candidates are arriving in the inbox!
Comment by rohit | 10.14.2013 | 1:56 pm
now that’s an innovation! crowd sourcing support! What do all these people get to do next? I’m out…iceman weekend
Good luck! The crew will need it
Comment by Anonymous | 10.14.2013 | 2:05 pm
Gee, everyone would but can’t. Me too. Heck,I’m only in Sao Paulo Brazil but have free flight privleges so getting there might could be done. I just have to go find a skill set some place. Dang.
Comment by centurion | 10.14.2013 | 2:29 pm
Well I just happen to be a certifiable Mechanical Genius. I’d have your bikes so clean and happy, they would sing. You’d be too proud to ride them and get them dirty. “Too pretty to use!” you’d say whilst bowing at my wrenching aptitude. Alas, I’d need cab fare from and to New Jersey, the Garden State. And lodging, nothing to fancy 4 stars would do. And a daily stipend for food. Again nothing too fancy, so a couple of double saw bucks would do. Let me know where I should ship my tools to. You got that too, right?
Comment by Caspar | 10.14.2013 | 2:31 pm
But where do the Pina Colada’s come in…………. cause that’s what I’m good at..
Comment by cyclingjimbo | 10.14.2013 | 2:51 pm
One of these years we plan to take a road trip around a good bit of the country, and I would love to schedule part of it around being somewhere near one of your bicycle escapades. Alas, not this year.
Planning ahead, what do you have on the docket for 2015?
Comment by eclecticdeb | 10.14.2013 | 3:14 pm
I love crewing and supporting folks. I honestly have a lot of fun.
But bummer….I too have a wedding to attend. I’d be down for Chef and Morale Officer. And while I do know enough about changing a tire to check for the source of a tube leak, you really would not want me anywhere near a bike wrench.
Good luck.
Comment by spaceyace | 10.14.2013 | 3:26 pm
Damn! And I was so excited. Eight-and-a-half hours is such a short drive to meet The Hammer (oh, and Fatty too). Alas, I already used up my Cycling Points for the year in dragging husband up to Moab this summer and making him ride a century with me (which, incidentally, we did not finish due to a brutal headwind and said husband’s knee giving out). After that experience I don’t think he will be keen to visit Utah for another cycling event. Although, maybe I can use the DNF as leverage…”but, honey, I didn’t get to finish Moab and it’s all your fault… you owe me this…”
Ahem. Please do let us know if you need crew again in the future, though.
Comment by PNP | 10.14.2013 | 3:47 pm
I’d do it for you gratis…except that I’m going to be in the Galapagos Islands that weekend. Seriously, I will. Otherwise, it’s a short hop from Portland and cheap because I have a ton of airline miles. Alas….
Comment by bob | 10.14.2013 | 4:34 pm
I have plenty of Three Stooges dvd’s to keep morale up!
Comment by UpTheGrade SR, CA | 10.14.2013 | 5:08 pm
Sorry dude, I’d love to help you out, and witness this epic event, but that’s a 12 hour drive from here on the west coast. Hope you have some fans closer by that can support you all.
Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 10.14.2013 | 6:04 pm
All you need to offer to get volunteers is a weekend of riding with you and The Hammer. I’m sure you have a guest room, so no hotel, and your brats and guacamole would work for food, then riding around all the trails you have memorized for a couple days. You’d have to turn them away, even from South Carolina. Actually, I’m sure you already have more than enough crew signed up, so stay upright, have fun, and tell us all about it.
Comment by AKChick | 10.14.2013 | 7:28 pm
Are you SURE you won’t pay to have me fly from Alaska? ;-) I wish I were closer! I would apply. I’m an EXCELLENT morale booster and helper of clothes changer (and I understand about pooping needs – that’s a bonus!). I also understand about food needs having a real finicky tummy and favoring long distance rides. I am our team captain for our company’s bike team and also served as team captain when I used to jog for the Leukemia and Lymphoma’s Team in Training program. I’m familiar with helping my team succeed and have fun. I also have FoF peeps who can vouch for my friendly and positive nature. I SO wish I could do this. I’m super jealous of whoever gets to be your volunteer(s). I also wish I were rich. I’d fly down just for the honor. Sigh. Oh well. Big sad face.
Comment by EdwinH | 10.14.2013 | 8:45 pm
Fatty (or maybe Skinny?), something completely different: After all those crazy rides this summer, what’s your latest weight? I keep seeing that 153.8lbs from April 16 in your side bar after you dropped 30lbs. Did you snack any of that back on, or did it stay off?
Just curious…
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 10.14.2013 | 10:56 pm
OH WELL! My.667Wife has already sniffed me out! We’ll be in DC showing the kids all the closed monuments and government dysfu……(stop! this is a family site)
Anyway I would love to make it there. Is there a need for a ‘left handed wrench caddy’ cause that’s all I’m good for right now. W#.667 does give me hope though. If you are in need of any crew support for RAWROD I’m there for you cause I can park the missus at this little spot on the river.
http://www.sorrelriver.com
Comment by eclecticdeb | 10.15.2013 | 12:05 am
Wife .667: Want company at the “parking lot”?
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 10.15.2013 | 12:20 am
@eclectricdeb
The ‘garages’ aren’t bad either.
Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 10.15.2013 | 7:12 am
I nominate Jen Laurita. She is a super awesome crew. One of the best I have ever had.(Of course she needs to win the lottery…..but I nominate her!)
Did I mention she is great? Lots of energy…..
Comment by Jill Homer (@AlaskaJill) | 10.15.2013 | 10:31 am
I’m going to be at 25HOFH with my boyfriend Beat and friend Liehann. Beat is racing Solo SS as well. Liehann and I will race with gears, and just hope to hang on for most of those 25 hours as per usual. It will be fun to see you all in 25-hour action! We didn’t line up a crew, either. Our crew is called “cooler and camp chair stashed next to the car.” If you come across any extra applications with reasonable reimbursement requirements, let me know!
Comment by AKChick | 10.15.2013 | 11:52 am
@AlaskaJill – can you fly me down from Alaska? I’ll crew for you! :) (I’m completely kidding unless you have spare miles you don’t know what to do with or if you are really wealthy).
Comment by J | 10.15.2013 | 12:30 pm
Something just occurred to me. Shouldn’t there be a 23 hour race as well? They could have it in the spring.
Comment by leroy | 10.15.2013 | 12:42 pm
Jill Homer and FC in the same event?!
My dog insists I have to fly him out to crew.
I’m just not sure he’d be much help.
His idea of encouragement on hills this weekend was riding next to me doing his impression of Elvis singing The Ramones’ oeuvre.
Well, it was distracting.
And “Twenty-twenty-twenty-four hours to go, I wanna be sedated” sung at half tempo with a twang might not be the weirdest thing you’ll hear during a race that length.
Comment by SteveB | 10.15.2013 | 1:54 pm
Elden, any update? are all the positions filled?
Earlier on I was going to nominate Leroy’s dog as chef, but maybe that’s not such a good idea. 25 hours of dog biscuits might get a bit old.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 10.15.2013 | 2:56 pm
@SteveB
My cat tells me dogs are fond of a ‘dirty old sock’ and as a ’special’, something dead. So it will be a varied, if unidentifiable fare. Let Leroy come!
Comment by Cat_Rancher | 10.15.2013 | 3:36 pm
Jeff Bike- good luck at the Tour de Gruene! You’ll be right in my back yard- almost literally! Enjoy the chipseal (so sorry). I don’t know if you’re a local, but if not, check out Chain Link Bicycles- they sold me my Babboo. I’m not going to be riding this time, or I’d bring you pie!
Oh, and good luck finding a crew, Fatty.
Comment by Jenni | 10.15.2013 | 7:35 pm
I’d be SO good at this. Dangit. I easily could cover two of the three categories.
Comment by Calietexas | 10.15.2013 | 8:19 pm
I would have the best tag team with ClydeinKS . We live close to each other. But sadly the distance is too far. I too would have been great on the cowbells and pretty handy with tools. Best of luck and hope the perfect team shows up!!
Comment by Ginger-Schminger | 10.16.2013 | 8:32 am
Darn it. I’ll be in Utah that weekend from Texas, but it’ll be for the trail marathon in Moab instead. Have a great weekend!
Comment by evilbanks | 10.16.2013 | 10:10 am
Ha ha! You’re the only dude I know that might, just might, be able to pull this off…….
Comment by Tes | 10.22.2013 | 2:26 pm
That sounds like so much fun! If I lived closer and was mechanically inclined, I would totally be up for it. If your ever in the Chicago area I’m here for you – though with enough notice to learn a little more about the mechanicals.
Good luck!