Apology
I think it’s pretty obvious that I haven’t been posting very often lately. I haven’t really explained why, because I had hoped I wouldn’t need to.
But I’ve reached a point where it’s obvious that something’s wrong, and I feel like I owe you an explanation. And, quite honestly, an apology.
Then Vs. Now
Really, the signs have been obvious to anyone who would care to observe them. Which, I guess, just goes to show that people prefer not to see some things.
All you really need to do is look at my results for the Leadville Trail 100 mountain bike race.
For fifteen years, I tried and tried (and tried and tried and tried) to finish in under nine hours. And I never did. I never even really came close. The best time I ever finished with was 9:13. And that was just once, when I was in my early thirties.
I was a lot more likely to finish in around 9:30. Or 10:00. Or even 10:20. That’s nothing to be ashamed of — those are all good finishing times. Times many people — most people — would be proud of.
And then, three years ago, I finished in 8:18. As I noted at the time, that was nearly a full hour faster than my previous best. In spite of the fact that I was now in my mid-forties, a full decade older than the prime of my life.
The next year, I finished in under nine hours again — this time winning the singlespeed division. And then the following year — last year — I did the race in 8:25. That’s only seven minutes slower than my previous best…and this time I did it on a singlespeed. At the age of 47.
You think I got that much faster just because of the bike? Yeah. Right.
But it hasn’t just been at Leadville that I’ve suddenly—almost unbelievably—gotten faster.
Last year, I took time off Kenny’s best times at the Rockwell Relay for every single leg of the race. I beat him in the Crusher in the Tushars, too. I took a podium spot in what was my rookie 25 hour singlespeed race.
At Rebecca’s Private Idaho last year, there was exactly one person who beat me in the first KOM climb that day: Levi Leipheimer.
Yeah, things have obviously changed since I began this blog almost exactly nine years ago when I started this blog because I was so fat I had to push my bike up an easy hill.
Things have changed significantly. Like I’m a cycling fairy tale. My results have been too good to be true.
And if any of us have learned anything in the past couple years, it’s that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Truth
I am the kind of person who goes after things he wants. And I wanted to finish Leadville in under nine hours very, very badly.
But — after fifteen tries — it didn’t seem like it was going to happen.
I distinctly remember my friend Dug telling me one time after I had finished yet another Leadville in around 9:20, “Not everyone is built to go fast. You’ve hit your ceiling. You’re as fast as you’re going to get. Stop beating yourself up about it.”
I had to agree with part of what Dug said: I had hit my ceiling. But I hated that ceiling.
And I knew there were ways to break through ceilings.
So I looked into EPO. And testosterone. And immediately knew…I had to look elsewhere. That stuff was expensive. The money I make by blogging certainly wouldn’t cover that kind of thing.
Amphetamines, on the other hand, are surprisingly affordable, and remarkably easy to obtain.
I wasn’t worried about being tested. As near as I can tell, nobody tests at any events I do — there’s no money for winners. And — I told myself — it wasn’t like I was really cheating anyone. I wasn’t going to get on any podiums. I just wanted to finish under nine hours.
But then I did start winning stuff (or at least getting on the podium). And — bonus — I found that my weight was dropping. And to a guy like me, those two amazing facts were enough to overcome any minor ethical issues I might have had when I first started.
Fast Forward
I don’t know if I even really need to write the rest of this. You know how it goes. I found that being faster on races made me want to be faster on training rides. And in fact, if I didn’t take something before a ride, I wasn’t able to keep up with The Hammer.
And then my teeth started falling out, which is less obvious (but more permanent) than the scabs I’m always picking at on my face now.
And then I lost my job a few months ago. Yeah, I said I quit so I could write more, but I think it’s pretty obvious that all my ads are freebies I give to friends; this blog doesn’t make me any money whatsoever. Never has.
In fact, I’ve had to sell several of my bikes just to keep up with house and meth payments. At the current rate, I’ve only got enough bikes to last me a few more months before I’m down to just one mountain bike, a road bike, and a time trial bike.
Apology
So. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I have deceived you. I’m sorry I doped.
More than anything else, though, I’m sorry I need to ask you to donate $20 to help me continue my habit. You see, I hope to get a sub-8 at Leadville this year, which means I kind of need to step up my game, and I think meth has taken me as far as it can.
I’m going to need to try some new things, and that’s going to take money. And while I could try a Kickstarter campaign, I’d rather just come out and ask directly.
So: please click here to donate. Thank you. And again, I’m sorry.
Comment by Hammer/Lisa | 04.1.2014 | 11:04 am
Please, oh please help my husband by donating!
Comment by Micha | 04.1.2014 | 11:05 am
Sorry Fatty but I think we all saw that one coming!
Comment by Welnic | 04.1.2014 | 11:05 am
I followed that link and sent $20 to wikipedia. I’m not sure how that helps.
Comment by Hammer/Lisa | 04.1.2014 | 11:05 am
Absolutely hilarious! I can’t stop laughing! :)
Comment by Doug (Way upstate NY) | 04.1.2014 | 11:06 am
When do your memoirs come out?
Comment by Ryan K | 04.1.2014 | 11:08 am
A meth addict who GAINS weight? You’re the worst meth addict ever.
Comment by Scott | 04.1.2014 | 11:10 am
Will you royalties from the films? Or were you looking to a reality show. Bloggers on Crack. (you can tell us, BikeSnob was your supplier right?)
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.1.2014 | 11:15 am
You should have included your picture
nothing like a ’sad puppy’ to get the wallets opened!
Darn it, I was saving the big reveal on my cool new tattoo for another post. Thanks for stealing my thunder. – FC
Comment by Big E | 04.1.2014 | 11:16 am
I prefer badger testosterone. But let me tell you, they don’t like giving it up easily…
Comment by Damon Gene | 04.1.2014 | 11:23 am
I have my own habit to support so don’t have anything extra to donate, but if I may, I’d like to recommend trying a cocaine/morphine drip for a constant, evenly metered dose of energy/pain-ignorance. I swear Camelbaks were designed for exactly this kind of system. No pain, and nothing but energy for those long climbs. There does not appear to be a limit to the wattage output you can put down; in fact, I had to actually dial my drip back a bit because I was going through seven or eight rear tires per ride, thanks to the mile-long burnouts I was doing on anything under a 7% grade. Your mileage may vary.
See, that’s exactly what I’m looking for in order to step up to the next level of performance. Thank you for the info. – FC
Comment by Dave T | 04.1.2014 | 11:30 am
You should have gone with the Cancellara plan and installed that motor on you bike. At least you would still have your teeth.
Comment by Erin | 04.1.2014 | 11:34 am
Did you just willingly pass on an opportunity to rick-roll?
Comment by Rob & Joanna Szrama | 04.1.2014 | 11:36 am
I’ll bet you can break 8. If you need more I can step up my monthly contribution.
Comment by zeeeter | 04.1.2014 | 11:37 am
My name is Loof Lirpa and I approve this message.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.1.2014 | 11:51 am
@DaveT I’m not aware of any Pie that requires teeth.
Comment by pbrmeasap | 04.1.2014 | 12:09 pm
Classic Fatty
Comment by Handz98 | 04.1.2014 | 12:14 pm
Oblivious to the date…ya got me.
Comment by Marty | 04.1.2014 | 12:16 pm
At 37 you must be breaking second wind, Fatty. On the bright side, if doping hadn’t caused your hair to fall out, you’d look like this:
Comment by Marty | 04.1.2014 | 12:19 pm
Oops. 47. At 56 you’ll look like me:
Comment by blair | 04.1.2014 | 12:23 pm
I just donated, but it’s in BitCoin. Good luck with that.
Comment by Renato | 04.1.2014 | 12:28 pm
HAHAHA!!! Good one… I almost believe you until I remember I was reading your blog ;-)
Comment by Gualda | 04.1.2014 | 12:49 pm
Damn, fatty, you actually got me freaked out…. Damn, man. Bad, bad joke….
Comment by gogogo | 04.1.2014 | 12:58 pm
after getting several obvious tweets – saucony!-pickybars! – silca! i remembered what day it was.
but don’t worry fatty, you will get 6 months rest during the off season and you will be good to go!
Comment by centurion | 04.1.2014 | 12:58 pm
You can do better.
Comment by Daniel Weise | 04.1.2014 | 1:03 pm
As usual a wonderful post on this day. You have kept your tradition alive. I bow to your cleverness and wit. I am not so clever nor nearly as witty. http://danielweise.blogspot.com/2014/04/april-fools-prank-not.html
Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 04.1.2014 | 1:22 pm
A better explanation of your dubious gain in speed than Froome’s alien DNA.
Then again, I hear that aliens like to experiment on MTB riders out on the Mesa where no one can see what they’re doing.
Comment by Jorge | 04.1.2014 | 1:38 pm
My 11 years old kid reads your blog every morning before going to school. Today she was in tears when she got out of her bedroom. I asked her what was the problem. In a trembling voice she said, “First Lance and now my beloved Fatty, they are all cheaters!!!”. Then she went to the garage and kicked her new Cervélo.
Today I drove her to school instead of riding 10 miles to school with her.
Thanks you, Moron!!!
Comment by rich | 04.1.2014 | 1:45 pm
Well Fatty, the upside is that when you do go to replace all the teeth that you’ve lost, you can replace them with something lighter like carbon fiber or titanium…
People will probably judge you, but we all get it. We’re on your side and totally understand the need to win…
(I’ll give you 20 dollars and a dime bag for your Superfly)
Comment by Corrine | 04.1.2014 | 1:48 pm
Ha, Ha! This was too funny! Thanks for brightening my day!
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.1.2014 | 1:53 pm
I think you’re on to something UpTheGrade Do we really know where FC gets his Bikes, and where else he rides?
Comment by Quien | 04.1.2014 | 1:53 pm
Clara Hughes is 2078 km into her 12,000 km big charity bike ride around the rugged,treacherous and often snowy terrain of Canada. Come out and support her as she makes a stop in Saguenay today! https://livingalpha.com/journal/a-unique-visit-in-saguenay-for-olympic-athlete-clara-hughes
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 04.1.2014 | 1:58 pm
Ooooh! Titanium…and a hairpiece.
Comment by ScottyCycles62 | 04.1.2014 | 2:12 pm
Fatty if it helps I can have “my guy” Dr Fuentes send you a little “package”. I have found that if I send money it will go to something other frivolous like a lighter bike part. Good Luck! Keep an eye out for the “delivery” guy ;)
Comment by ScottR | 04.1.2014 | 2:32 pm
Best wishes on your post-race recovery, Fatty :-)
Comment by Richard P. Kelly | 04.1.2014 | 3:23 pm
You’re making your house payments ahead of your meth payments?? Sounds like it’s time to re-examine your priorities.
Comment by ChinookPass | 04.1.2014 | 3:38 pm
You need a kickstarter in the pants is what you need, boy. That and cuppa wine, a copa di vino, I mean. (www.copadivino.com, funniest thing I’ve seen today.)
Comment by Kukui | 04.1.2014 | 6:02 pm
I needed this today. Love it!
Comment by BamaJim | 04.1.2014 | 6:33 pm
Well done, but like a previous commenter I was expecting a rick roll on the donation link.
Comment by leroy | 04.1.2014 | 9:53 pm
My dog won’t pick up the tab for our mid-ride espresso.
He says he doesn’t want to be an enabler.
But he lets me pay for him because he says it wouldn’t be right if he let me drink alone.
He just borrowed $20 to donate to you. He says the check is in the mail.
Comment by Tammy | 04.1.2014 | 10:33 pm
Hi Fatty – you had me going for minute and then I realized what day it is. Great post – best laugh of the day!
Comment by buckythedonkey | 04.2.2014 | 3:56 am
The amazing thing about this confession is that it happened on exactly the same day that Chris Froome was discovered to have non-human DNA, and the UCI decided that Velodromes in the Southern hemisphere should run clockwise.
http://velonews.competitor.com/2014/04/news/froome-faces-scrutiny-extraterrestrial-dna-test-results_322157
and
http://road.cc/content/news/115466-uci-announces-change-direction-southern-hemisphere-track-racing
Comment by Al Pastor | 04.2.2014 | 7:11 am
Reading this on April 2nd doesn’t have the same impact.
Comment by MC | 04.2.2014 | 8:42 am
I’ve suspected you’ve been on the juice these last couple of years. Funny post Fatty (wink wink)…best way to hide something is to put it in plain sight…now you’ve actually confessed and everybody thinks it’s a joke…EXCELLENT timing…you should have been Lance’s advisor. (and like Al, I’m a day late and a dollar short…I was WAY to busy yesterday to get any screen time).
Comment by Jamie R | 04.2.2014 | 7:16 pm
You don’t have to apologize, it’s obvious what was consuming all of your time.
Comment by Clydesteve | 04.3.2014 | 12:11 am
I disagree. I read it on the 2nd, and it was pretty stinkin’ funny. You had me going there until about half-way through the TRUTH paragraph.
Comment by hPizzle | 04.3.2014 | 8:55 am
Were there any Rick Rolls in those links? I was afraid to click them.
XXXXXOOOO
Comment by Libby | 04.6.2014 | 9:19 pm
I got sucked in until the selling of the bikes…and only because I didn’t think you had THAT many bikes. Oh, and how I never saw scabs on your face.
I’m so slow I didn’t even get it when commenters mentioned “what day it was”…sigh, I clearly need a bike ride to get rid of the winter mold.
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