I Am In Serious Trouble
Wow. Just wow.
I genuinely and completely honestly had no idea what a Pandora’s box of worms yesterday’s post would open. I mean, I just — as pleasant as could be — announced that, as much as I would like to, I will not be able to attend Levi’s GranFondo this year.
You’d think they’d understand.
And you’d be wrong, apparently, to think that.
Almost instantly after I posted yesterday, I got the following message from the GranFondo:
.@fatcyclist Seriously? That’s disappointing. We’ll be in touch.
— Levi’s Gran Fondo (@levisgranfondo) September 9, 2014
Naturally, this put me on my guard, but — as a beloved and award-winning blogger — I chose to take the high road. I replied:
.@levisgranfondo I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it; I know how much my attendance means to you.
— Fat Cyclist (@fatcyclist) September 9, 2014
Almost as if they were lurking on Twitter, ready to pounce on my reply, they shot back:
.@fatcyclist Your attendance does mean a lot to us. Some would say it’s immeasurable and unquantifiable, but that’s not how we’d put it.
— Levi’s Gran Fondo (@levisgranfondo) September 9, 2014
and then even Levi, with whom I have in the past had a somewhat acrimonious relationship — but who I thought is now my friend — ominously chimed in:
@fatcyclist @levisgranfondo This is very unfortunate, for you Fatty. . .
— Levi Leipheimer (@LeviLeipheimer) September 10, 2014
Was I wigged out? You bet I was wigged out.
A Most Unwelcome Letter
And then the other shoe dropped. Late yesterday afternoon, a bike messenger came by FatCyclist.com worldwide HQ (i.e., my basement) and delivered the following, which I have scanned and reproduced so that you can tell it is absolutely real:
The text is kind of small — which is irritating, because the above is the actual size of the letter delivered to me — so here’s the text of the above letter, which I have painstakingly retyped for your convenience.
Mr. Nelson:
It has come to our attention that you will not be able to participate with us at Levi’s GranFondo on this, our sixth year. We are certainly disappointed that you will be breaking your admirable attendance record, but do understand that life is a complicated symphony with many constituent parts with which to contend and balance.
That said, it seems appropriate that we take this break in our association to balance our respective ledgers. We are always happy to host a cyclist of your repute, especially one engaged in the noble art of bloggery. However, as you will see in the enclosed invoice, hosting your particular personality does not come without its obligations. You are a colorful character, Mr. Nelson, in a world far too content to be pale and gray.
However, we cannot ignore the costs associated with such charisma, especially as we are a charity event and the indulgences enumerated here don’t quite jive with our efforts to support at-risk children, youth cycling, and community resources like schools and fire departments.
Please do remit payment upon receipt. We are a flexible bunch, but would like to settle this considerable matter with as much swiftness as is possible.
All our best,
Max Egan
Director of Communications
Chief Officer, Risk Management
This, of course, was accompanied by an invoice for things I evidently am responsible for:
Here is the text from that invoice, just in case you don’t have Super Magnification Vision:
2010
LODGING
- Two nights, Motel 6 ($39.95/night): 79.90
- Damage deposit, vending machine: $450
FOOD
- In-and-Out Burger, multiple meals: $43.15
- Pie: $8.79
TRAVEL
- Round trip bus fare, Greyhound, Salt Lake City to Santa Rosa: $85
2011
LODGING
- Three nights, Holiday Inn Santa Rosa ($149.95/night): $449.85
- Minibar, mostly Butterfingers and Bud Light: $156
- Movie rentals, restricted content: $32
FOOD
- Lump sum, incl. pie: $200
TRAVEL
- Airfare to/from SLC/SFO, unscheduled layover in Las Vegas: $500
- Bike rental, NorCal Bike Sport: $200
ENTERTAINMENT
- Two second-row seats, Doobie Brothers Reunion, Luther Burbank Center: $225
- Two sleeveless concert t-shirts, “Reeling In The Years”: $70
INTANGIBLE LOSSES
- Auction losses due to Mr. Nelson standing in front of various silent auction items, intimidating prospective bidders, because “this one’s going home with me, lady.”: $1750
MISC.
- Fry Sauce at Festa del Fondo fundraising dinner, half case: $72.50
- 3.2% beer at Festa del Fondo fundraising dinner, 1.5 cases ($12.25, plus $250 air freight from Utah): $262.25
2012
LODGING
- Three nights, Hyatt Vineyard Creek ($259.95/night): $779.85
FOOD
- Lump sum, incl. pie: $800
TRAVEL
- Airfare to/from SLC/SFO, upgraded cabin: $1600
- California Dept. of Agriculture quarantine violation, excessive snacks brought on board: $345
- Town car transfer to/from hotel, including in-vehicle amenities: $275
- Bike rental, NorCal Bike Sport: $200
ENTERTAINMENT
- In-room mariachi band: $750
LEGAL
- Three hours, contract review, Fat Cyclist appearance agreement: $435
- Removal of all brown M&Ms from in-room gift bag by legal team: $775
MISC.
- Restocking fees, multiple (sweaty) used returns of GranFondo merchandise: $40
- Staff losses due to prank calls from Mr. Nelson during key event planning meetings, i.e. the refrigerator does not need to be caught, Prince Albert is not actually in the can, no one named I.P. Freely works at Bike Monkey.: $145
2013
LODGING
- Four nights, Hyatt Vineyard Creek penthouse ($625/night): $2500
- Room service, off-menu orders: $324
- In-room massage, plus gratuity: $588
- Pool cleaning fee: $1250
- Damage deposit, plumbing: $742
FOOD
- Lump sum, incl. lots of pie: $1200
TRAVEL
- Private charter, Sunlight Transportation Services: $7129
- Rental car, Wine Country Dream Cars: $1200
- Damage deposit, stained upholstery: $325
- Excess luggage services: $110
ENTERTAINMENT
- (Redacted): $550
MEDICAL
- Ambulance: $800
- Emergency outpatient surgery: $2435
LEGAL
- Small claims representation, plea consultation, bond, etc.: $1485
MISC.
- Public relations costs stemming from message control regarding the GranFondo and its invited guests while in the Sonoma County area: $1290
TOTAL: $32,752.29
2014 (Preliminary Measures)
- Law Enforcement Notification: $176.42
- Insurance Services, including naming lodging partner as additional insured, expanded policy coverage: $556
- Deposit loss, private security: $850
- Deposit loss, skydiving instructor: $180
- Custom Fat Cyclist-branded ankle bracelet/tracker: $675
GRAND TOTAL, WITH 2014 COSTS: $34,344.71
My Defense
Looking at this itemized list, I am — as you would expect — outraged.
I could say that this list is a crazy, drug-induced lie. In fact, I would say that…except the Bike Monkey people evidently have surprisingly comprehensive documentation of pretty much every line item in that that invoice.
Which means I’ve got a problem. A $34,000 problem.
And I’m not sure what to do about it.
Comment by Steven Nichols | 09.10.2014 | 11:54 am
And they left out the extensive number of donuts consumed during the grudge match.
This could get ugly.
SN
Comment by Jenni | 09.10.2014 | 11:57 am
This is bull. Everyone knows you don’t drink beer, you only grill with it. I’d be happy to provide a legal pleading on your behalf for just that line item. Everything else seems legit.
Comment by Carl | 09.10.2014 | 12:02 pm
Well, if Mr Leipheimer wants to play rough… I suggest you sue for that head lock thing that went on! Either that or I see another big fundraiser on the horizon.
Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 09.10.2014 | 12:05 pm
Fatty, I had no idea that your extreme bloggery fame came with such expensive obligations…,
but all is not lost, there is a simple solution:
JUST SHOW UP !
Hey, I’ll share my post-
raceride pie with you :-)Comment by Carl | 09.10.2014 | 12:06 pm
P.S. can Jenni and I have the brown M&M’s?
Comment by Bart the Clydesdale | 09.10.2014 | 12:06 pm
The solution is simple – counter sue for 50K for Defamation of Character. I mean really accusations of running up $550 in entertainment expense without any explanation what are your readers left to imagine. Spurious accusations that will lead loss of readership and or possible future earnings.
Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 09.10.2014 | 12:07 pm
Yeah, I guess a fundraiser in lieu of your inestimable presence would suffice also…
Comment by Isaac | 09.10.2014 | 12:07 pm
@Jenni — 3.2 beer isn’t really beer, though.
Comment by Gumby | 09.10.2014 | 12:08 pm
Did you report all these perks on your taxes?
Taxes? – FC
Comment by Levi's GranFondo | 09.10.2014 | 12:08 pm
@bart the clydesdale Completely reasonable, but that black box isn’t ours. We’ll let FC explain that, if we wishes.
Comment by MikeL | 09.10.2014 | 12:19 pm
You could use the Rob Ford defense. If that fails I do have some Uncles who might be willing to handle the negotiations to resolve your “situation”.
Comment by Dave T | 09.10.2014 | 12:20 pm
pretty sure you could get the pool cleaning fee reduced that seems a bit excessive in my experience. Although the food charge seems a bit light.
Comment by Anonymous | 09.10.2014 | 12:23 pm
I see a FUND RAISER in my future!!!!
Comment by zeeeter | 09.10.2014 | 12:24 pm
Can’t be right – only $8.79 for Pie in 2010. They must have you mixed up with someone else, or did David and Allison provide the victuals that year?
Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 09.10.2014 | 12:26 pm
Wait….
In-room mariachi band,
Movie rentals, restricted content,
In-room massage,
Fry Sauce….
Not to mention enough pie to feed a whole Fondo,
You and the Monkey boys sure know how to party!
Comment by yannb | 09.10.2014 | 12:28 pm
Hilarious!!!
Comment by Doug | 09.10.2014 | 12:29 pm
Is this real? I don’t get it.
Did you sign some sort of contract?
Comment by Mike Schwab | 09.10.2014 | 12:33 pm
Do you have a copy of your appearance contract?
Comment by Sunny | 09.10.2014 | 12:35 pm
Wish someone cared whether my pressence made a huge difference on the success and outcome of an event???
Comment by ClydeinKS | 09.10.2014 | 12:37 pm
Where is Paul? This is EXACTLY the sort of thing that could bring back Leverage! You’d be a perfect client to assist and viewership would be exopnential once it was learned that the bike messenger was returning in an episode! Don’t be afraid to seek assistance.
Comment by Levi's GranFondo | 09.10.2014 | 12:39 pm
@Doug Invite Fatty over to your house. Tell him to “relax and make himself at home.” Watch what happens. Take pics prior for insurance reasons.
Comment by Jeremy | 09.10.2014 | 12:59 pm
I really think the $742 plumbing charge is bogus… Unless it was for the porta-potty close to the starting line…
And this. Bud Light BEER!?! I cannot imagine a world famous, award winning cycling blogger would EVER drink Bud Light… But then who knows what is possible after the Redacted entertainment…
I don’t know what kinda scheme Levy n You are cooking up but,,, count me in…
Comment by Sprocketboy | 09.10.2014 | 12:59 pm
Seems reasonable to me: pool cleaning, quarantine violations and removing the brown M&Ms are going to cost so stop whining and pay up.
Comment by Levi's GranFondo | 09.10.2014 | 1:00 pm
@Jeremy When you’re on the top floor, apparently the damage can cover a lot of distance. Better question: why doesn’t Elden just use water in his baths like the rest of the natural world?
Comment by Anonymous | 09.10.2014 | 1:06 pm
This is all because you have more hair than Levi.
Comment by Christina | 09.10.2014 | 1:07 pm
Dang it. I’m not anonymous. I’m Christina and I own that hair comment.
Also, I’ll go grab my credit card to make a donation to WBR so I may once again not win anything cool. Sigh.
Comment by Fat Elvis | 09.10.2014 | 1:24 pm
Classic.
Looking forward to the other shoe dropping.
BTW, I agree with the votes on the hair.
Comment by Doug (Way Upstate NY) | 09.10.2014 | 1:40 pm
Fatty, As a quite famous blogger myself, I will volunteer to take your place at this thing. I promise to bring color and excitement to the event. And to continue to spend down their account. On your behalf of course. Its a win-win.
Doug
Comment by bikemike | 09.10.2014 | 1:42 pm
Move the decimal point over a place or three.
Comment by Rolf | 09.10.2014 | 1:43 pm
Hey Fatty, I too am unable to attend this year. Would have been my third year in a row. Thus I have an entry to the Gran route that I can’t use (signed up way back in January). Is there any way I can donate it to your apparent fundraiser coming up? Levi’s Gran Fondo what do you guys think?
Comment by Jack | 09.10.2014 | 1:54 pm
nothing new here. Looks pretty much like a photocopy of your standard expense account when you worked for a research firm (to remain nameless). Shall I post those too?
No, please NO. – FC
Comment by Levi's GranFondo | 09.10.2014 | 2:06 pm
@Rolf We have no idea to what you refer, but your offer to give up your spot for charity is most kind. We’ll certainly make that happen, thank you mightily for your generous offer, and will be in touch about it.
Come on back and see us in 2015. We’d love to have you again Big thanks.
Comment by PNP | 09.10.2014 | 2:26 pm
Too funny. Yeah, I agree…there has to be something else going on there. On the other hand, I’ve love love love to ride the gran fondo some time.
Comment by Tim | 09.10.2014 | 2:35 pm
Fatty
I think you should change your plans and go to the Fondo. You really do not want to mess with these Bike Monkey people. Take a look at this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b11Ji8qfXZo
Think of what they have planned for you if you don’t show up.
Comment by leroy | 09.10.2014 | 2:38 pm
My dog suggested that FC simply ride the Gran Fondo the week after it’s scheduled.
That’s what I’m planning to do with the 100 Miles of Nowhere, and my dog assures me our contract permits that.
Comment by Aaron | 09.10.2014 | 2:59 pm
I really only have one question. Your coffee stain or theirs?
Theirs. Either way it’s kind of weird though, since as far as I know this document has never been anything but electronic. – FC
Comment by UpTheGrade, SR, CA | 09.10.2014 | 3:04 pm
@Leroy, Fatty clearly only attends events so he can flash those giant quads and shout “I love you Honey”(s) back and forth with the Hammer while crushing other podium hopefuls. Ya know, just to rub our faces in it. Therefore riding when no one is looking wouldn’t be his style.
Why else does someone lose like 100lbs in just 3 years and shave their head for aero purposes?
My bet is Fatty got jealous of all the attention Levi was getting with the King Ridge GranFondo and has decided to create his own Fondo in Utah, only with 200 miles and four times the climbing so he can show off those quads on a single-speed all day (and night given the distance).
Comment by dug | 09.10.2014 | 3:25 pm
elden, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.10.2014 | 3:26 pm
I just want to know the title(s) of the porn from the 2011 event. Hard to believe the Holiday Inn offered decent porn (hah!). I would have waited until the Hyatt upgrade came along for that particular perk ;-).
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.10.2014 | 3:29 pm
@Zeeter… pretty sure that 2010 “pie” expense had the decimal in the wrong place, especially if David brought ‘em!
Comment by ScottyCycles62 | 09.10.2014 | 3:46 pm
“Movie rentals, restricted content: $32″
You did know that just “previewing” those channels incurs a charge right?
Comment by Susie H | 09.10.2014 | 4:07 pm
well…
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 09.10.2014 | 4:15 pm
If they’re trying to charge you for my pie I want a cut. After that there are two options:
1 Get the Monkey off your Back. Fly in late Friday, I’ll pick you up (you can have the top bunk in #1 Son’s room.) Confident any damage you do in there would not be noticed. Do the ride and get out of town.
2 Offer them your 42% stake in Eric the Goat Enterprises to settle all claims past and future. I’m sure they’ll jump at the chance once Dave Towle explains how “you can’t lose!” (don’t worry about your share, The Hammer still has hers and we can get you another.)
Comment by Justin L. | 09.10.2014 | 6:36 pm
Oh that is just awesome, and boy that took some effort on their part.
Comment by John D | 09.10.2014 | 6:40 pm
Makes me wonder what else doesn’t make it into the post race reports, I mean we’d all like to hear about the mariachi band, no?
I’d be on the lookout for Bike Monkey control officers if I were you, that video of their “catch and release” is pretty tame compared to what they might really do…
Comment by spaceyace | 09.10.2014 | 7:01 pm
“Removal of all brown M&Ms from in-room gift bag by legal team: $775″
I’ve assumed one 56 oz (XXL) bag of M&Ms, a rate of removal of one per five seconds – rather leisurely, average content of 1,568 ppb (pieces per bag) and ratio of brown candies to total candies at the Mars, Inc. stated average of 13%.
Rounding up billable time to the next half-hour for two attorneys and accounting for reasonable travel time & costs, you’re being billed $250 per hour. They should have sent interns, or even a couple of first-year associates.
If they were peanut M&Ms, you really got screwed.
Incidentally, my services as a forensic accountant are available should you wish to pursue this matter further. I assure you my rates are reasonable.
Comment by spaceyace | 09.10.2014 | 7:03 pm
And contract review is only $145/hr? M&M removal services invoice definitely padded.
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.10.2014 | 7:26 pm
Is anyone else surprised the total due isn’t $31,415.92? Someone’s bill rate is off!
Comment by Nic Grillo | 09.10.2014 | 7:29 pm
I too, am unable to make it this year. I’d also be willing to donate my Gran spot to charity. Let me know…
Comment by aussie kev | 09.10.2014 | 8:01 pm
Funny Funny Funny – is it just me or has it been a while since we had a piece like this ?
LOVED IT !!!!
Aussie kev
Comment by Heidi | 09.10.2014 | 8:14 pm
“Also, I’ll go grab my credit card to make a donation to WBR so I may once again not win anything cool. Sigh.”
@Christine, don’t give up hope! I just spent a fantastic weekend in Zion and there’s no reason you can’t win a prize too. (And you, and you, and way in the back, you too!)
Comment by davidh-Marin,ca | 09.10.2014 | 9:05 pm
@Nic Grillo bummer to hear you’re not coming. I owe you a steak dinner and have been scouting the possibilities. (Buckhorn Roadhouse, Vic Stewarts, Calistoga, ….Outback(?)) We may just have to pull you away for The Great Yurt adventure next spring.
As for the solution to this issue (as suggested before) Fundraiser! Prize Suggestions:
Ride with Levi
Headlock Levi
Be Headlocked by Levi (with photo)
Ride Levi (sorry, all the photos I could find treating Levi like a ‘pony’ are DEFINITELY NOT for this audience) I don’t need a ‘monkey’ on my back!
Good Luck Fatty! We’re there for you….sort of.
Comment by Ian | 09.10.2014 | 9:42 pm
Send it to Bikesnob
Comment by Nic Grillo | 09.10.2014 | 9:47 pm
Sorry Davidh, was looking forward to it, but work and family obligations have unfortunate timing this year. We really need to try and get Fatty to ride Catalina with us next year!
Comment by Levi's GranFondo | 09.10.2014 | 10:19 pm
@spaceyace Next time we do our internal audit, we’re calling you. That’s a keen and skeptical eye you’ve got.
Comment by J | 09.10.2014 | 10:40 pm
The amount of candy bars and doughnuts documented in their invoice seems low, really low. Perhaps Levi and his crew should recount for a better redemption of damages. And don’t let them forget that time they painted your name in the sky with a Biplane.
Comment by george | 09.10.2014 | 11:26 pm
What I am having a hard time comprehending is if you, FC, were such a known and terrible quantity so early on (post 2010 apparently) why did they have you back? It appears from the invoice that THEY continued to lavish more perks upon you every year after 2010. That invoice is evidence they knew what you were capable of and CLEARLY ignored it, not for one year but for 4!
It’s sounds a bit to me like they loved the party but regret the hangover. Ironically the same thing happened to Lance Armstrong post confession. Further irony, the guys that doped alongside LA only got 6mos. Maybe its time to start your own gran fondo in your hood that way you are only accountable to yourself if something gets broken… ;-)
Comment by Chris | 09.11.2014 | 5:36 am
$750 for an In-room mariachi band?
Thats a great deal!
Comment by Libby | 09.11.2014 | 10:59 am
I can sub for Fatty…I’m not working and have had doctor’s clearance that I can ride post-concussion. Would that make this invoice “disapear”? I don’t drink beer…maybe wash my hair with it so wouldn’t need a lot of it. And I’ll eat the brown M&Ms…though I prefer Canadian Smarties. And the pie only needs to be made with New Zealand Granny Smith apples. I have a Vibe by Garmin so I can capture all the action for Fatty to post.
What you say Levi? Can I ride instead of Fatty? I haven’t had a decent ride this season since wacking my head in May.
Comment by Tom in Albany | 09.12.2014 | 5:00 am
,,, the noble art of bloggery…
i nearly snarfed my coffee!
Comment by Appley | 09.13.2014 | 6:37 pm
so…this is a joke right?
If not, I am going to start sending bills out for pie and M&M’s to everyone i can think of..
Comment by Karen | 09.16.2014 | 6:29 pm
Maybe I should again send a personal letter that I too will not be able to attend this year’s Gran Fondo, so far my absence hasn’t raised a hair. Hmmph.