BREAKING NEWS: Jens Voigt Hour Record Attempt UNMITIGATED DISASTER
A Note from Fatty: Today at 11:00AM MDT, Jens Voigt will attempt / has attempted to set a new one hour record. I am happy to be the first journalist to file a story on how it will go / went.
Grenchen, Switzerland – Sitting at the side of the velodrome, clutching his aero helmet and rejecting all words of comfort from those around him, Jens Voigt is trembling with rage.
“Yes, I am a little upset,” Voigt confirms, doing his best to smile. “But these things happen, you know?”
The very fact that he makes this attempt at being philosophical about what has been, without question, the single largest debacle in the history of cycling, shows the character of the man.
For not only has Jens Voigt not set a new hour record as a bookend to an illustrious and long career, but he has not even completed the attempt at the ride.
Before the Beginning
The day started well enough. In retrospect, perhaps it even started too well.
Voigt arrived at the Grenchen Velodrome, suited up, and rode 814 laps as a warmup. Asked if this were perhaps excessive, Voigt replied, “I like to burn all the chicken.”
Voigt, it should be noted, is still working on mastering colloquial English.
A Bad Start
With surprisingly little fanfare — a countdown by hand — Voigt was off, quickly ramping up to a speed of 54Km per hour, easily a fast enough pace to break the record 49.7Km, even taking into account inevitable slowing.
Then, disaster: Voigt suddenly swerved wildly, rocketing up to the high edge of the banked velodrome turn, then flipping end-over-end, tumbling along with his entwined bike.
The cause? A dog had wandered into his path.
“Has nobody heard of leashes?” wondered the frustrated Trek Bikes Team Liaison, Matt Shriver.
Scrambling — perturbed but in control — Voigt gathered his bike, helmet, and left shoe (all three scattered in different directions), removed his horribly misshapen front wheel from the bike, pounded it against the edge of the velodrome wall with his fists until it was in some semblance of true again, and continued his attempt.
Problems Continue
Before long, Voigt had picked up considerable speed — now at 63Km / hr in order to make up for lost time — and somehow resumed his groove. In spite of a bad start, it began to look again as if Voigt might still get that record.
But if one were to listen to the official — mercifully unnamed here — one would be able to detect that Voigt’s problems were far from over.
“Eighteen laps!” he cried. Then, “Twenty laps! No, I mean nineteen!”
“Twenty-one! Or twenty-two? No, this might be just twenty.”
This continued for a few more laps, after which he held up his palm to an astonished Voigt, signaling him to stop.
“I’m sorry, Jens, I’ve just lost count.”
“What?” replied Voigt, either due to his close-fitting helmet or sheer disbelief.
“I know, I feel so dumb. I totally should have brought a piece of paper and made hash marks, or maybe a clicker or something. Anyway, we don’t know how far you’ve gone. So let’s just start over.”
“Your horse cart is unsaddled,” muttered Voigt, nevertheless returning to the start line to begin again.
Lost Cause
Alas, the day was doomed to continue to be a series of misfortunes for the storied Jens Voigt.
Within a mere 120 laps of his second attempt, Voigt’s rear wheel flatted, evidently from the extraordinary heat generated by the friction caused by the tires rolling along the laminated wood at an unanticipated 92Km / hr.
Without a word, Voigt repaired the flat, surprising all present that he had, in fact, brought everything he needed for this problem — except for a wrench to remove the nut holding the wheel (Voigt improvised by using his teeth).
Then he had to stop and restart the event again — this time, in order to pee, and to get a snack.
Finally, on what looked like what would be a successful run, Voigt coasted to a stop (not easy to do on a fixed-gear bike), 38 minutes and 49.6Km into the ride.
“My playlist ended,” Voigt said, “And I lost interest in riding around and around and around in circles all day.”
“It makes for insect-infested abdomens,” concluded Voigt
Voigt reports that next month he will attempt to pull a locomotive 25 miles, with his teeth, on a bike.
After which, Voigt will retire. For real this time.
Honest.
Comment by Wife#1 | 09.18.2014 | 8:30 am
LOL… very good sir. Now…
SHUT UP LEGS!
#GoJens
#HardWithHumility
#FunnierTweetsThanEvenFatty
#MoreKidsAndPetsThanSense
(oh wait, that last one could be us too)
Comment by davidh-Marin,ca | 09.18.2014 | 8:31 am
Showing off your large solid toolbox! Genius.
Comment by Paul Guyot | 09.18.2014 | 8:34 am
Aahhh… like an old friend we haven’t seen in years.
Welcome back, your Fatness of old.
And welcome back to you. – FC
Comment by Steven Nichols | 09.18.2014 | 8:34 am
Hilarious… Personally, I think Jensie is a talking horse for Fabian. They’re do an attempt, find any bugs and if needed fix them before Fabian tries later on.
I do hope that Jensie sets the record as his final farewell to the sport even if Fabian ( or Tony Martin) later break it.
Comment by Bill T | 09.18.2014 | 8:35 am
I just realized that Voigt scheduled his attempt exactly one month before the 100 Miles of Nowhere. The riding in circles is a blatant attempt to distract from the real riding in circles event.
Fatty, you should consider legal action.
Comment by Steven Nichols | 09.18.2014 | 8:35 am
That should be stalking horse. My computer helped me….
I assumed you were simply creating a colorful new metaphor. – FC
Comment by Travis | 09.18.2014 | 8:36 am
I thought Jens would build his own velodrome out of Pave’ from the vaunted Forest of Arenberg. With his teeth of course
Comment by Tom in Albany | 09.18.2014 | 8:42 am
Where’s the credit to the ‘Fat Cyclist Fake News Service’??
Comment by Bart the Clydesdale | 09.18.2014 | 8:47 am
I feel for Jens for I too have hit a dog that should have been on a leash. I did manage to keep both shoes on though so I can categorically state that I am at least better than than a pro rider in the category of mythical vs actual dog vs bike incidents.
Comment by wharton_crew | 09.18.2014 | 8:59 am
Hilarious, Fatty! Well done! Jensie will be riding a 54-14 gearing! That would take me at least a full lap to get up to cruising speed…
…but then again, my legs aren’t the stuff of legend…
…unless you want to go by amount of leg hair, or lack of power.
Comment by RodNeeds2Ride | 09.18.2014 | 9:17 am
Nice one! They should pay you for writing stuff like this! I have no idea who “they” are, but “they” really should. I’ll get back to you if I find out. After another donut.
Comment by leroy | 09.18.2014 | 9:29 am
My dog offers some simple guidance to avoid misunderstandings in future record attempts.
Draft horses are good
Draft beer is not bad
But if you draft doggies
Things will turn out sad.
Well of course it’s doggerel.
Comment by Jeff Bike | 09.18.2014 | 9:35 am
I was going to watch his ride on line but why should I? I now know the outcome, Fatty is such a spoiler!
Comment by Snowcatcher | 09.18.2014 | 10:14 am
This. Was. Awesome. !!!
Comment by MattC | 09.18.2014 | 10:15 am
Jens looks SO SERIOUS in that picture…almost scary! That must be his “game face”. I can only assume that he burst out laughing micro-seconds after that shot was taken…
Comment by Christina | 09.18.2014 | 10:36 am
I got to meet Jens! I’m hoping bad fake news article equals excellent results, much like a bad dress rehearsal makes for a good performance, right?
Comment by John H. | 09.18.2014 | 11:57 am
lol… 4 min to go if he holds …You may be revising that a bit
Comment by John H. | 09.18.2014 | 12:03 pm
Yup yo sure are.. 51.115 km.. 205 laps
Comment by MattC | 09.18.2014 | 12:05 pm
WAY TO GO JENS!!! Talk about going out in STYLE! You are DA MAN!!!!!
Comment by Jacob | 09.18.2014 | 12:16 pm
But what happened to the dog?
I almost hit a dog yesterday. Can’t tell if the car in the other lane was honking to try and scare the dog away or thought I was going to swerve in their lane. Neither reason was valid.
Comment by Tom in Albany | 09.18.2014 | 12:22 pm
I have to say that watching Jens reminded me of NASCAR…
Comment by centurion | 09.18.2014 | 1:11 pm
If you’re lucky, Jens will come to your house and only break in half the bikes you like. With his teeth.
Comment by owen | 09.18.2014 | 1:36 pm
he looked so smooth and relaxed not his typical style – great for him and for old people everywhere
Comment by Christina | 09.18.2014 | 1:40 pm
MOTHERFRICKING JENS VOIGT!
Comment by Saso | 09.18.2014 | 4:06 pm
Jens rules.
Comment by Fred | 09.18.2014 | 9:27 pm
Note to self… Do not sign up to ride 100 MoN with Jens.
Congrats to Jens.
Comment by bikemike | 09.19.2014 | 9:28 am
The course is much faster the other way.
Comment by Me | 09.19.2014 | 11:38 am
Sorry…. but that was just dumb.
Comment by MattC | 09.19.2014 | 12:05 pm
Actually I think he had a tailwind nearly the entire way…he rides so fast and strong that he created a vortex which then propelled him in even faster in circles! They’re lucky it didn’t’ turn into a full blown tornado! He must have backed it down some in the interests of public safety…
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 09.19.2014 | 1:03 pm
@MattC, that would be a Jensnado[tm].
While watching, I forgot about the dog, but couldn’t help thinking about the official counter losing count!
It’s hard to imagine something more boring than a single rider on a track for an hour being as interesting as that was.
His bike reminded me of this from Big Ring Cycling: “Jens’ big ring is 56. His rear cassettte is 11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-11-12.”
Comment by Terri | 09.21.2014 | 7:38 pm
One of your best!
Comment by Rolis | 09.21.2014 | 9:03 pm
aaaaaa yes….vintage fatty! I’ve been missing these posts (not that there’s anything qrong with the other ones). BTW is there a cheesiest playlist?
Comment by Twenty Sixer | 09.22.2014 | 7:54 am
Is this piece retrospetively biographically inspired or was it just a bad dream where you (the author) woke in the middle of the night imprisoned in JVs body over in Schweitz? Either way it seems to me the new HR belongs to Fatty and not JV.
Pingback by Chainlinks: Best of the Bike Web, September 25, 2014 - Trail & Tarmac | 09.25.2014 | 6:01 am
[...] Jens Voigt broke the hour record last week. How cool is that? He rode 205 laps, 31.76 miles, 51.115 kilometers. It was not a disaster. [...]
Comment by Kevin | 09.26.2014 | 8:32 am
What a way to put an end to a cycling career. Well done Jensie!