The Race Results Monologues: A One-Person Play in Five Scenes

12.3.2015 | 2:52 pm

A Bet-Status Update from Fatty: Almost two months ago, I promised to finish something I started. Specifically, I promised the publisher of Ride and Ride 2 that I would write a story for Ride 3.

Basically, I made a bet I would finish my story by a certain time.

And then I didn’t even get it truly started by then.

However, I did eventually finish the story, and I got a couple of writers I really respect (Bob Bringhurst and Paul Guyot) to review it and give me feedback. And they liked it. Or they were sick of me sending it to them so said they liked it, just so I’d let them be.

Either way, I lost my part of the bet and am perfectly happy to have lost it…because it still accomplished its purpose: it motivated me to do some writing outside my comfort zone. Or at least I sorta kinda stepped out of my comfort zone: in the end, I wrote about a place I know, and most of the things that happened in the story have also happened in real life. 

But here’s the thing: Keith’s late in finishing up his part of the bet, too. So we both lost. Except now it’s more or less finished, and so I think we can both say we’ve won, and we each need to donate double whatever it is Keith would have paid me for the story (a number neither of us ever actually discussed but I’m going to guess it’s in the dozens of dollars) and donate it to charities.

Let’s call that a win-win-win, then.

The book will be out soon. Count on me making some noise about it when it does. 

Three Podcast-Related Questions from Fatty: If you’ve been listening to the FattyCast (iTunes, RSS, Site), thanks. If you haven’t, please do. Regardless, I have a few questions:

• How often should I upload new interview podcasts? Does weekly sound about right?
• I’ve thought it might be kind of fun to read selected chapters from my “Best of” books as podcasts. You know, once a week or so ’til I’ve read all of both the books. Would that be cool? Or just weird?
• I’ve done three podcast interviews now (though I’ve only uploaded one), and they seem to last right around an hour, without my really trying to make them be that length. I don’t really want to make them a lot longer than that, but is an hour too long? 

The Race Results Monologues

Scene I

[The Racer is seated at a computer, one hand on a keyboard, one hand holding a credit card.]

“I can enter up to three phone numbers to have real-time notifications sent as text messages to up to three people? Sign me up!“

Scene 2

[The Racer is wearing a cycling kit, helmet still on but unbuckled, straddling a bike. Breathing hard and sweating. A finish-line arch is in the background. Talking on a telephone.]

“Hi Mom!” (Brief pause.) “Yeah, I just finished! I did great, set a new PR!” (Longer pause.) “No, in this context ‘PR’ doesn’t stand for ‘public relations;’ it stands for ‘personal record.’ I don’t really know how public relations could possibly have anything to do with anything here.” 

“Anyway, you should have gotten text messages when I started the race and a couple times along the course. Did you see them?” (Pause.) “Really, just the one from the start of the race?” (Pause.) “I’m sorry, Mom, I didn’t want you to worry. I’m fine.” (Pause.) “No, I don’t know why you didn’t get the rest.”

Scene 3

[The Racer is still wearing a race kit but is back at the computer from Scene 1. The Racer looks perplexed.]

“Well, I’m pretty sure the race results were supposed to be updated in real time, but the most current race results I’m finding on the website are from 2012.” (Pause.) “And it looks like they’re a PDF, printed from an Excel spreadsheet.” (Pause.) “And the PDF has weird page breaks that make it literally impossible to tell who got what finish time.

“Maybe someone else has found the results and has posted them on Facebook or something.”

(The Racer clicks the computer mouse, types for a moment, presses Enter, pauses, clicks again.)

[Reads aloud]

“Can anyone find race results?”

“Where are the race results?”

“Is it just me or are the race results nowhere to be found?

“You can find the race results at…and there’s a URL that goes to somewhere that I never would have thought to look.”

(Pause.)

“…And they’re the results from 2011.” (Short Pause.) “But maybe, just maybe the event uses the same timing company as they did four years ago!”

(Typing, clicking ensues for the next seven minutes, punctuated with grunted exclamations of frustration.)

“There it is!”

(The Racer scrolls mouse silently, face anticipatory at first, then increasingly confused, then — eventually — angry.)

“How come I’m not here?” (Pause.) “Maybe I’m just in the wrong category.”

(More typing and clicking.)

“There I am. I guess I’m a pro now?” 

Scene 4

[The Racer is now dressed in street clothes, and is sitting at the computer.]

“Hm. Still not on the web site.”

[Lights dim as a jack-o-lantern is lowered behind the racer, then lights come back up.]

“Still not there.”

[Lights dim as the jack-o-lantern goes up and a Christmas tree simultaneously comes down.]

“Oh, there it is. Just in time to link to in my Christmas letter, I guess.”

[A clock lowers, and the hour hand spins around the dial one time.]

“And now the site’s down.”

Scene 5

[The Racer is seated on a couch, apparently watching television. New beard growth, hair loss, and faint age wrinkles shows that some time has elapsed, and that also I have just now decided that The Racer is a male. Again, The Racer is holding a phone.]

“Hi Mom.” (Pause.) “No, it’s February, of course I’m not doing a road bike race today.”

(Long pause.)

“Ah. Well, I’m glad they let you know.”

— fin —