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I Don’t Want to Brag, But…

01.27.2016 | 12:05 pm

I don’t want to brag, but my weight loss is going great this winter. In fact, I’ve already lost nine pounds. Which I suppose also means that I’ve gained way more than nine pounds. And also that nine pounds is pretty much the same three pounds I lose every week, then regain over the weekend. For the past three weeks in a row.

I don’t want to brag, but once I just totally walked by a bowl of M&Ms without taking a single one.

I don’t want to brag, but even at age 49.6, I can still fit into the same clothes I wore at age eighteen. Or I assume I could, if I had kept any of the clothes I wore when I was eighteen. Which I didn’t, so there’s no way you could prove this statement wrong.

I don’t want to brag, but it’s been at least ninety minutes since I’ve had a big spoonful of peanut butter.

I don’t want to brag, but even during this exceptionally cold and snowy Utah winter, I’m getting on my bike and riding every single day. OK, I’m not actually going outside to ride. I’m going into my basement and doing TrainerRoad while watching Netflix. But like I said, I’m not bragging.

I don’t want to brag, but about fifteen years ago, a bunch of my friends and I were riding our bikes around in a parking lot after a ride. There was a little curb divider in the lot, and on the other side of the curb, the lot was about eighteen inches lower. Or maybe twelve inches, it’s not important. What is important is that while my friends were watching, I rode up, jumped the curb, and landed it without even falling or squealing in terror. And you can never take that away from me.

I don’t want to brag, but I can look at a person and state, with startling accuracy, what air pressure they should be using in their tubeless mountain bike tires.

I don’t want to brag, but once not so long ago, I accidentally wrote a pun, then wrote “(no pun intended),” and then just went and took out the pun and the quasi-apology. Because puns should be eliminated whenever they’re identified, whether intentional or not.

I don’t want to brag, but I can shave my legs in under four minutes, and it’s been years since I’ve had a razor cut. In fact, I can now shave my legs faster than I can shave my head. To be fair, a big chunk of my head-shaving time is trying to figure out whether I have missed any spots on the back of my head.

I don’t want to brag, but last night I made chilli using turkey burger instead of regular hamburger, and it tasted nearly 40% as good. In fact, some members of my family said it tasted “not completely gross if you smother it with cheese and sour cream.”

And in short, my humility is breathtaking.

24 Comments

  1. Comment by Tom in Albany | 01.27.2016 | 12:13 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but, FIRST COMMENT!!!

    Thank you for your restraint. Sometimes it’s hard not to brag, but you did an admirable job. – FC

  2. Comment by Rick in San Diego | 01.27.2016 | 12:29 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but, I read the best cycling blog in the world.

    I’m just going to skip the easy self-deprecating reply (“really, what blog is that?”) and instead say “thanks man, that made my day” and give you a big ol’ hug. – FC

  3. Comment by wharton_crew | 01.27.2016 | 12:44 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but, I have eaten well and worked out regularly for weeks now and NOT LOST A DAMN POUND!! I have found the secret to pissing off the gods….

  4. Comment by MattC | 01.27.2016 | 1:21 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but I’m now riding faster than EVER (with absolutely ZERO increase in fitness, and quite possibly a negative increase) just by FINALLY getting a new Mt bike! Who knew that going from a 26 to a niner is THAT big a deal?

    Congrats on the new bike! By the way, the rest of us just moved to 27.5″. – FC

  5. Comment by did | 01.27.2016 | 1:30 pm

    I really need more information on this rapid leg-shaving technique. Did you, like, find an extra-wide razor or something? And are you somehow able to not go crazy when you see a quarter-inch-wide strip of hairs that you missed?

    Sounds like it’s time for me to dedicate a post to my extraordinary leg shaving technique. – FC

  6. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 01.27.2016 | 1:32 pm

    I want to brag.

    By all means, brag away. Although I am opposed to bragging. – FC

  7. Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 01.27.2016 | 2:37 pm

    I said I *want* to brag. It’s just that I don’t really have anything all that impressive to brag about. After all:
    1. I like puns
    2. I’ve got a 29er
    3. I don’t shave my legs

    That doesn’t leave much left to brag about …

  8. Comment by owen | 01.27.2016 | 3:53 pm

    any Netflix show recommendations to spin/binge away the winter with?

    I just finished Peaky Blinders and it was awesome trainer fare. Watching the Blacklist (when The Hammer and I train together) and Gotham (when I train without her) now. – FC

  9. Comment by GregC | 01.27.2016 | 5:07 pm

    I have nothing to brag about. If I strategically delay (or just plain out drag my feet) getting a new mountain bike a little longer, will my old 26 wheels come back into vogue?

  10. Comment by Jenni | 01.27.2016 | 5:31 pm

    I’m the best at not bragging. You’re pretty good, but I’m definitely better.

  11. Comment by ScottyCycles | 01.27.2016 | 7:55 pm

    I don’t want to BRAG but I haven’t shaved my legs since September!(I have them waxed now, much smoother)

    Please write a guest post about that experience. – FC

  12. Comment by spaceyace | 01.27.2016 | 7:57 pm

    I’ve been shaving my legs for twenty years, at least weekly, and still am not that fast. (I don’t want to brag, but I do have exceptionally long, muscular & gorgeous legs, so maybe I have more surface area than most?)
    The secrets of your extraordinary leg shaving technique would make an excellent post.

  13. Comment by davidh-Marin,ca | 01.27.2016 | 8:10 pm

    @Rick in San Diego:
    Please brag. What was the name of the blog you read?

  14. Comment by Amy Thompson | 01.27.2016 | 8:16 pm

    I loved this! I laughed out loud. Then read it to Rob. His response, “I hope I can remember that. That’s funny.”

  15. Comment by Alan | 01.27.2016 | 9:24 pm

    Awesome.

    What PSI should a reasonably fit 5′11″ 195b gorilla use?

    24psi in front, 25 in back. – FC

  16. Comment by joliver3 | 01.27.2016 | 10:21 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but I just finished reading “The Great Fatsby” — from front to back, exactly the way you suggested that most people wouldn’t read it! It only took me both legs of a round trip flight between Detroit and Phoenix. Lots of good old blog stuff in there!

    Also, I am insulted by your vulgarity.

  17. Comment by owen | 01.28.2016 | 7:18 am

    are you going to do the Tour of Sufferlandria – Sufferfest in Feb? not to brag by my wife and I are going to crush it

  18. Comment by Mark Gronemeyer | 01.28.2016 | 7:28 am

    I don’t want to brag but I make some killer turkey and black bean chilli.

  19. Comment by MattC | 01.28.2016 | 8:36 am

    @davidH…GOOD ONE! da da da CHING! (drums and a cymbal there)

  20. Comment by Jim | 01.28.2016 | 10:26 am

    I don’t want to brag, but I rode my Moots in today and if it had been dry I would have ridden my other Moots.

  21. Comment by leroy | 01.28.2016 | 11:42 am

    My dog got me a gift certificate to have my legs shaved at the salon he frequents.

    I don’t mean to brag, but I’m getting something called a poodle cut.

  22. Comment by Corrine | 01.28.2016 | 5:14 pm

    Not really anything to brag about but I’m finally going out on my first OUTDOOR bike ride since my bilateral knee replacement surgery with complications back in October. It will be a fat bike ride, of course since it’s January in Fairbanks, AK.

  23. Comment by Gerald | 01.30.2016 | 7:32 pm

    I don’t want to brag, but I went for a bike ride today, then promptly biked to a coffee shop to post on this blog.
    What is the age limit on being a hipster?

  24. Comment by Anomie | 01.31.2016 | 12:18 pm

    “Because puns should be eliminated whenever they’re identified, whether intentional or not.”

    Well, I suppose you must have your faults. ;)

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