100 Miles of Nowhere: Riverside Estates Crit – Men’s Ex-swimmer-on-a-bike division

02.12.2016 | 9:29 am

A Note from Fatty: Big thanks to Wesley Brown for writing this great race report. 

I’ve read with morbid fascination the exploits of those brave enough to attempt Fatty’s 100 Miles of Nowhere over the last few years. It’s not the physical aspect of riding 100 miles that is daunting. It’s the mental aspect of repeating the same short course or putting out watts without seeing the scenery change that gives most people pause.

I finished my Triathlon season last month at Beach 2 Battleship and this year I decided I needed to be one of those cyclists. So I jumped at the chance to register when Fatty opened it up.

07 November began — and continued throughout the day — with pouring rain. In spite of knowing that riding in bad weather makes you a badass, this wuss wasn’t up for six hours of fun in the rain.

So I delayed until Sunday the eighth.

And since — for some reason — the weather continues to defy historical trends and we’ve been blessed with a long warm fall, sitting on the trainer for hours on end just wasn’t going to happen.

The Course 

Hains Point Centuries have been done. But who in the world would want to ride 100 miles through my neighborhood? The planned loop topped out at 1.85 miles with exactly 58 feet of altitude gain and loss. The average time to complete each lap would be between 5:45 and six minutes at a moderate pace. The lap includes one quick climb, moderate spinning, then a descent and spin back to the house and the start of the next lap.

And the other plus: I intended to regain my KoM status on the climb up my street. Some sneaky guy who lives on the other side of the neighborhood swiped it from me by one second. That’s really hard to handle (Fatty, I know you can relate).

The Ride Begins

Since my race season officially ended a couple of weeks ago at the Beach2Battleship Half, I would need to get my riding in around everything else that was going on. So, early bird gets the worm, so I would need to get a couple of hours in before everyone in the house started moving.

Only, this didn’t happen.

The alarm went off….and snooze. Hey, come on: it’s the off season. Who gets up at 0530 to ride in the off season? So I putzed around the house all morning, fed the kids, played with the kids, and generally avoided the fact that I was supposed to be riding my way towards 100 miles of nowhere.

My trusty steed.

Finally around 1030 I managed to lumber out to the garage in my 100 MoN kit (fantastic jersey by the way! One of my favorites now!), grab my Wilier road bike, complete with GoPro attached to my trusty K-edge mount (hey no video or pictures it didn’t happen right?) and a couple of full water bottles.

Dressed for success!

Rolling down the driveway and I was off on lap one. I turned on the GoPro to document one complete lap, pedaled up the hill and on my way. Lap one passed in a little over 6 minutes (hey got to warm up the legs, no sense going for broke on the first lap). I settled in to a steady rhythm for the next 9 laps stopping the clock after lap 10 in 58-plus minutes.

Time to take the kids off the wife’s hands for a while, so I switched over to my snow-commuter-ugly-Betty-Frankenstein bike with kid trailer. Buckling the kids in, I intended to ride 3-5 laps with them then roll over to the park to let them play for a while.

What was I thinking?

Struggling up the first hill, I found myself wondering when they got so heavy. What were we feeding these kids?

I felt like I was dragging an anchor through mud. Ten minutes went by before I completed one lap, and both kids seemed less than thrilled with being dragged along on my quest to nowhere. We made one more revolution before stopping off at the park to play for a while.

Once they were good and tired, we rolled home for lunch. At this point I had completed 2:10 of riding and about 26 miles.

Only 74 more right?

Round and Round

After lunch, our firstborn plopped down for a movie and little man went down for a nap. Back to the grind with the much lighter bike…and minus the anchor. I became a metronome of pedaling efficiency. The blue sky and moderate temperatures made it a joy to ride. On the backside of the loop a family had been out raking leaves and cleaning up their yard for much of the morning, and they now realized this crazy guy kept circling the neighborhood. At first they cheered encouragement for a couple of laps. Then they stared questioningly.

Then the teenage kid asked when I was going to stop.

Eventually, he simply shouted, “Why?”

“Why not?” I shouted back.

It’s funny the things that go through you mind after a couple of hours in the saddle. When will this end? What’s the meaning of life? Are we there yet? Did I remember to feed the dog? How many miles left? I fed the kids, right? What’s for dinner? What did I just eat for lunch? Who put that rock there? If I ride fast enough down the hill can I reverse the rotation of the earth and travel back in time?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t come up with any answers.

At 2:50 I completed 15 laps and 50 miles. Happy half way! Woot!

After a while I was on auto-pilot, barely registering the cheers and random questions shouted my way by folks wondering again, “what’s this idiot doing? Is he lost?”

After 27 laps I pulled into the drive way to restock my food and refill water bottles. My wife was in the kitchen as I started to re-fill my water bottles. “Are you still riding?” She asked, raising one eyebrow at me.

Is there a right answer to this question?

After three hours in the saddle there’s not a whole lot of blood flowing back to my brain, but I managed to get out, “Uh, just a couple more laps to cool down.” I eeked out 5 more laps in about 30 minutes, for a total of 60.9 miles and 2800 feet of climbing over 3:36.

I quietly crawled back into the house, cleaned up and spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the house. I was done for today, but fear not friends of Fatty: I would get my 100 miles in.

Part 2: Veterans’ Day

The following Wednesday was Veterans’ Day. Last year a few friends and I started what we hope to continue as a 11th of November tradition and did a crazy-silly 100+ mile loop, complete with trail side coffee brewing, BBQ, beer stops and a ferry crossing. This year’s edition was not quite as ambitious, but I would definitely get my remaining 40 miles in.

Now usually I guard my training time preciously. I don’t ride fluff miles; every ride (even commutes) has a purpose. This was not that type of ride. This was truly a ride with no other purpose than riding for the sake of riding and enjoying good company. So in essence, a ride to nowhere.

I was of course again decked out in my 100 Miles of Nowhere kit, but had switched over to my ugly-better fat tire commuter, since this ride promised to be at a much more leisurely pace, and was likely to include some mixed terrain. I dragged a co-worker who claimed to ride, Finch, and my early morning coffee and bike pal Tony along for the adventure.

After picking up Finch, and meeting at Tony’s house the plan was to head out on the Washington-Old Dominion Trail to Vienna and then cross over to the Cross County trail and possible loop back to Tony’s house. Tony is a fan of fat tires and beautiful steel randonneuring bikes, but for some reason I ended up riding fatter tires than he did for the day.

Finch rolled out on a full carbon Giant road bike with carbon wheels, which proved interesting when we hit a few dirt patches. As we rolled out a little after 0700 we really had no plan other than be back by 1300. Our first leg lasted about 45 minutes when we stopped for coffee and breakfast at Lazy Sunday’s Deli in Falls Church. From there we headed off towards the Cross County Trail and Accotink Trail.

With the fall colors and fallen leaves the Accotink Trail was beautiful giving off a very remote vibe despite being in the thick of DC suburbia. We had hoped to take a loop around the lake, but were greeted with chain linked fences, and while the first didn’t stop us, the construction crew and torn up trail at the second did.

We turned around and headed back for our planned lunch stop complete with cold beer and chili cheese dogs in Vienna. I convinced the waitress to bring me an order of pulled pork to add to my chili cheese dog, because, well why not? It was Veterans” Day after all.

Did I mention craft beer was consumed too? Yup, this is the way to ride. Pork and beer. Mmmmmm.

We stopped in Shirlington at the end for one final beer (or two) before returning to Tony’s house. All told we managed 49 miles, but the truly interesting stat lies in my nutrition for the day. I started the day with two water bottles full of Skratch labs, and jersey pockets filled with an assortment of Gels and bars.

I consumed, three cups of coffee, two slices of banana bread, two chili cheese dogs topped with onions and two servings of pulled pork, three craft porter beers and two pints of Guinness. I returned to the car with every Gel and bar, and two water bottles which were just as full as they were at the start.

A ride truly worthy of the Fat Cyclist himself.

 

Thanks for the opportunity to support Camp Kesem and partake in a truly unique and bizarre “race” format. Keep it going, who knows maybe next year I’ll make it 100 miles around the neighborhood.

Oh, and I never did get my KoM back. Grrrrrr. Until next time….