2016 Rockwell Relay Race Report, Part 9: Running a Little Late
Suppose, for a moment, that you are falling off a cliff. A nice, long cliff. One that base jumpers and hang gliders and photographers flock to.
But you, unfortunately, are neither base jumper nor hang glider nor photographer. You’re just a person who’s affected by gravity in an unfortunately average way.
But wait!
You land on a precarious ledge, just eight feet from the top of the cliff. You’re not dead.
But wait!
The ledge — besides being precarious — is also crumbling, and doesn’t seem like it’s going to hold out for long.
But wait!
Someone peers over the ledge and offers to help…but it turns out they can’t quite reach you. The ledge crumbles a little.
But wait!
That person says another person is coming by, and it looks like that person’s a well-equipped rock climber. The ledge crumbles, this time quite a lot.
But wait!
You hear the rock climber just keep on walking by, whistling a merry tune as the ledge begins to feel like it’s done its part in this metaphor and just about (but not quite) gives way completely.
But wait!
It turns out that the rock climber is turning around and coming to rescue you after all.
Saved
The most recent episode of this story ends with the truck — which was not a tow truck, but a heavy-duty sign-construction truck — maybe slowing down. And I left it there on purpose, mirroring my own sense of suspense that lasted what felt like forever.
Then the truck stopped — about a hundred yards up the road — and my hopes went up. Then it backed up and my hopes went up even higher.
And then it began the longest, most excruciatingly fraught series of back-and-forth turns imaginable. This narrow road wasn’t exactly designed with the expectation that big trucks should be able to make easy U-turns.
“How’d you get into this mess?” The driver asked through his window as he pulled up.
A fine question. A fine question indeed.
Without a lot of fanfare, he then pulled forward and back so he was good and close to the back of the van, facing the other direction:
He handed me a stack of orange cones and told me to set them up alongside the road, thus giving the otherwise-useless me something to do.
Then he unpacked a set of straps and hooks — everything you’d need to pull a vehicle out of a ditch — and expertly hooked up the van to his truck.
I watched in awe and wonder at his competence, and with an almost ridiculous amount of gratitude and relief.
“Keep your foot on the brake, but put the car in reverse,” he told Lindsey. “And don’t let up on the brake at all until I have the rope taut and tell you to release.
Then he pulled forward and got the rope taut, Lindsey put the van in reverse, and — pop, like it was no big deal — he pulled the van back onto the road.
What Was Ruined
With the same lack of fuss he had done everything else, the driver unhooked the van while I thanked him relentlessly. And — let’s be honest here — probably excessively. “Well,” he replied, “I’m glad I took the out-of-the-way route today.”
As our rescuers pulled away, Lindsey walked up. “You’re not going to believe this, but the van looks totally fine,” she said. “Maybe a couple of tiny scratches at the very bottom right side from the bush the van scraed against.”
“But,” she said, “these didn’t do as well.”
And she showed me Ben and my helmets. Here’s Ben’s:
And here’s mine:
Both had — understandably — fallen out of the open van door as it was tipped far to the right. And then been crushed by the van wheels as the van was pulled back onto the road.
So now we had some new problems.
First, both of our helmets were crushed, and Ben and I don’t wear the size Small helmets our wives wear.
Second, what is not shown with my crushed helmet is the fact that I had already fastened my beloved NiteRider Pro 1800 Race to my helmet (my next race leg would end in the dark)…and it was crushed too.
Somehow, none of us could bring ourselves to get too worked up about any of this.
Having just confronted — and somehow escaping — the overwhelming probability of destroying a friend’s beautiful, beloved Sprinter and injuring Lindsey in the process, $800 worth of helmet and light damage just didn’t seem like that big of a deal.
“Let’s go find out how mad Lisa is,” I said.
Repercussions
It was a weird, jarring shift, to suddenly have everything be back to normal. The van wasn’t destroyed, wasn’t even really harmed. Nobody was injured. Our racer was still — presumably — racing. Albeit almost certainly thirsty and wondering where we had disappeared to.
I tried to wrap my mind around this new-old normal: we were in a race, and we were doing well. There was no crisis.
And in less than an hour, it would be my turn to ride again.
I grabbed a slice of pizza — I needed to start fueling now, since I hadn’t really eaten much since my last turn to race.
“She is going to be so mad,” I told Lindsey and Ben.
“Probably,” Lindsey replied. “But she won’t be once she understands what just happened.”
And we were both right. Lisa was mad when we caught up with her, saying she no longer needed anything from us, that other teams had taken care of her while we were MIA.
For two or three passes, she didn’t acknowledge us at all as we asked what she needed. My heart sank; I had ruined everything about this race: nearly destroying the van, nearly injuring my niece, destroying Ben’s helmet, making my wife feel abandoned and angry.
It wasn’t a great moment for me.
The Race Must Go On
Here’s the thing: racing in general — and the Rockwell Relay in particular — isn’t just for when you’re having fun and doing well. Racing is a test you choose for yourself. By saying you’re going to race, you’re saying you will take whatever comes your way, and you will deal with it.
So I dealt.
First, the helmet issue. That wasn’t as bad as it seemed. See, I had brought two helmets. No, this wasn’t a prescient move; I always bring two helmets to the Rockwell Relay, so I can have my light setup already mounted on one of the helmets.
Now, Ben and I would just have to take turns using this spare. Ew, for sure. But it would work.
Second, the light issue. This was a bigger problem, but still not too serious. It moved us from having four light setups (two helmet lights, two bar lights) to just having three (two bar lights, one helmet light). And we could do some recharging in the car for whatever setup wasn’t currently in use. While it wouldn’t be the deluxe setup I had hoped to use, we could make it work.
Third, there was my physical and mental state. My wife was mad at me, I was slower than last year, I had a painful hernia (I don’t think I’ve blogged about that yet, but I probably will at some point) and my opponent in Beauties and the Beasts had demonstrated he was much faster than I am. I was basically the weak link in the Fatty Family chain. If we were going to lose, it was going to be because of me.
Too bad. I’d just do the best I could, and hope the rest of the team could make up the difference. Racing is racing, and excuses don’t matter.
The Hammer yelled at us to go on, get ready for my leg of the race. It seemed ridiculously early to go, but I figured she just didn’t want us around.
The Race Must Go On…Maybe
Ben took over driving while I changed in the back of the van and set up a light on my helmet. We got to the gas station that doubled as a checkpoint, and Ben filled up the tank while Lindsey went to buy ice and I took care of getting myself ready.
Bike clothes: check. Bike ready to roll: check. High-viz vest: check. Lights: check.
Ben went to the ice cream shop next door to buy The Hammer a strawberry milkshake — a request she had made before starting this leg of the race, and now one that seemed doubly important.
One of the guys from Team Z5R came over and asked me about what had happened to the van. I had plenty of time before The Hammer was due to pull in — half an hour, I guessed — so I gave him the long version of the story.
I walked over to my bike, looked up the road, put my helmet on. I thought about how The Hammer wasn’t due for another fifteen minutes or so. I took off my helmet and sat it down on the van’s bike rack, watching up the road from the dirt parking lot.
Then The Hammer appeared, yelling, “Elden! Where’s Elden?! Elden!”
Astonished — how did she get here so quickly? (answer: she did this leg faster than any woman has before) — I plopped my helmet on my head, stuffed the helmet light battery into my jersey, picked up my bike, and began running out to the road.
It was a little embarrassing, but not too bad. I would lose us few seconds, tops, by not being there as she crossed the line. Surely that wouldn’t be the difference between a win or loss, right?
Then — as I easily ran across the dirt parking lot, holding my bike aloft — I realized something: I should not be able to run easily across the dirt parking lot.
“Oh no,” I said, as I realized: I was wearing my tennis shoes, not my riding shoes.
And that was just the start of a whole new cascade of problems.
Which I’ll describe in the next installment of this story.
Comment by BostonCarlos | 07.13.2016 | 9:10 am
sweet baby jesus. This is a comedy of errors.
Comment by a chris | 07.13.2016 | 9:11 am
The van and the shoes. Both agonizingly-familiar scenarios from actual nightmares.
Comment by Corrine | 07.13.2016 | 9:11 am
It’s a never ending saga! What else could go wrong? Can’t wait to hear more.
Comment by ScottR | 07.13.2016 | 9:12 am
This is the very best race report that I can recall ever reading.
Comment by Christina | 07.13.2016 | 9:31 am
I second ScottR. Your race reports are always engaging, but this one is just beautiful and I have no want to check for spoilers. I’m loving watching this story unfold. It’s beautiful.
And ooh, made wife is a mad you do not want to cross. I think that might have been the jet fuel in her tank.
Comment by Kate | 07.13.2016 | 9:33 am
This is a seriously compelling report(s). I’ve spent way too much time over the past week hitting refresh waiting for the newest installment. It’s much more mentally healthy for me to wait until the end and binge a la Netflix.
Comment by Dylan | 07.13.2016 | 9:55 am
Absolutely the most riveting report I can remember reading! Even when you publish early in the day I can’t help but refresh every couple hours, just in case.
Comment by cyclingjimbo | 07.13.2016 | 9:55 am
With each episode you leave us wondering what can go wrong next. I am not sure I can handle the stress, and I’m hoping we see light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Comment by Mark in Bremerton | 07.13.2016 | 10:04 am
I’ve been thinking about all the “race” reports you post. The racing is cool and all, and you (plural) are strong, but the Keystone Cops side stories are the entertaining part. I love it!
Even knowing the outcome, I can’t wait for the posts because the interesting parts sure aren’t shown in the results.
Comment by BigShorty | 07.13.2016 | 10:05 am
Please, please, please tell me that a Sasquatch and beef jerky are somehow involved!
Even if they aren’t this is the best race recap I have ever read!
Comment by AKChick | 07.13.2016 | 10:08 am
This is probably the most epically awesome report. Ever. :)
Comment by Rob L | 07.13.2016 | 10:13 am
Oh boy Fatty. I’m glad at least your head is perma-attached. Maybe it’s time for a new sport? Something safe like Ping-pong?
Comment by owen | 07.13.2016 | 10:40 am
this is awesome! its stuff like this that is so much fun to look back on and hopefully have a laugh about for years to come.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.13.2016 | 11:07 am
@Kate Sorry, the required wait for the next installment is part of the ‘JOY’ of these stories. A day, two, a long weekend. Plenty of time to speculate what happens next.
Binge reading is like Christmas without wrapping paper.
Comment by dent1111 | 07.13.2016 | 11:14 am
Just glad your head wasn’t in that helmet… we’d have to wait SO long for the next installment!!!
Great writing, can’t wait for more.
Comment by Andy@WDW | 07.13.2016 | 11:20 am
Fatty, I’m both loving and hating you right now. What a fun read, but these installments are just too numerous and too short!
Comment by Walter | 07.13.2016 | 11:23 am
Ah, David beat me to it. But, wait, there’s more to the veggie-matic!
I can’t believe the van missed that sign. It would have stopped the van but made a nice mark in the bumper. Of course, another question is did Lyndsey get a strained muscle by stomping on the brake for so long? I have pushed on a brake pedal for a few minutes and it is tiring after a while (OK, I am not quite the athlete like Team Fatty).
Anyway, love this story! You tell it so well and the comedy/tension/adventure/misadventure is riveting!
Comment by Tom in Albany | 07.13.2016 | 11:25 am
I actually had guessed that the van ran over the helmets. Seemed logical even if I couldn’t put the pieces together.
The Benny Hill should be fun as you ransack the van for your cycling shoes because ‘contents in the overhead bins may shift during flight!’
Based on the Crusher photos, The Hammer forgave you. But, buy her flowers anyway. You know. Just in case…
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.13.2016 | 11:32 am
But wait!
“… escaping — the overwhelming probability of destroying a friend’s beautiful, beloved Sprinter and injuring Lindsey in the process, …”
Any injuries to Bike Rack Ben, on the other hand, apparently wouldn’t have registered.
Best. Race. Report. Ever.
Also, a homework assignment for everyone. While waiting for installment 10 (!) of Rockwell Relay (in which we still haven’t gotten to a single rider’s second leg, and likely won’t in the next episode), go back and find/read all of Fatty’s Leadville race reports. I figure there will be just enough time before Leadville/the end of the Rockwell Relay report (whichever comes first).
Comment by Wife#1 | 07.13.2016 | 12:14 pm
Ditto on “Sweet Baby Jesus”!!!!
Also, can we all take a moment to appreciate how good DavidH_Marin has become with embedding photos in the last year? :-)
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.13.2016 | 12:35 pm
I thought I remembered seeing this, it has links to all of Fatty’s Leadville race reports except 2015.
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/01/16/leadville-stories-galore/
Here’s 2015:
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/18/2015-leadville-100-pre-race-jitters/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/19/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-2-starting-line-surprise/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/19/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-3-return-of-the-son-of-happy-warrior/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/24/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-3-conflict-and-questions/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/25/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-5-perception-and-reality/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/26/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-6-new-objective/
http://www.fatcyclist.com/2015/08/27/2015-leadville-100-race-report-part-6-to-the-finish-line-and-beyond/
Comment by old guy who likes to ride | 07.13.2016 | 12:53 pm
looking forward to hernia posts, I’m 3-months out from surgery. should make for some interesting commentary quite divergent from these wild episodes.
Comment by MikeL | 07.13.2016 | 1:10 pm
Wow.
1. A double cliff hanger episode. Tone in the introduction and the one at the end. You are the only writer who can get away with that.
2. There is a race in here?
3. I have 10 bucks riding that you will get at least 15 episodes on this.
4. I am wondering if with the way this is going you forgot and unclipped from the pedals on the up-wind side only at some point.
Comment by NZ Ev | 07.13.2016 | 1:42 pm
I can relate to the painful hernia. I had surgery for a hernia on May 10th so now recovered from it, but when I had it before they determined what it was it was very, very, very painful.
Comment by Blair | 07.13.2016 | 2:31 pm
I wish I had a blog. It would make me a champion too.
Comment by Scott D Gilbert | 07.13.2016 | 2:43 pm
“I would lose us few seconds, tops, by not being there as she crossed the line. Surely that wouldn’t be the difference between a win or loss, right?”
Foreshadowing?
Comment by GregC | 07.13.2016 | 2:51 pm
I used to think I was the only one that had the continual comedy of errors- cue up the Benny Hill soundtrack at biking/ life events (which also home repair projects). I’m smiling as I read as I can absolutely see myself in your place. I can picture pretty much the exact van incident spot- middle of nowhere is a good descriptor. I’m looking forward to the next installment.
Comment by davidh-marin,ca | 07.13.2016 | 6:20 pm
@JeffD Kudos for the Leadville Links.
As for Bike Rack Ben….
Lindesy is Elden Niece, his sister’s daughter, her father’s name is “Rocky’! He sees these people at Thanksgiving.
Ben, nice as he is, is a nephew-in-law. If something were to happen, Elden could probably just text his parents.
Comment by Jeff Dieffenbach | 07.13.2016 | 7:42 pm
@davidh-…, awesome deconstruction of the family tree. You, sir, are a magician with a sharp mind and a sharper chainsaw.
Comment by J | 07.13.2016 | 10:03 pm
Add me to the hernia blog list as well. Hopefully yours is/was not like mine. I ended up having issues in my groin, feeling like I pulled a muscle, for about three months. It wasn’t until the wife and I did some searching on the web that the thought of a Hernia came up in our minds. The pain was not constant and went away after sleeping. After consulting a medical hotline with our insurance, they asked me to push the inguinal hernia back in. This didn’t sound too bad except for the pain it caused. We wimped out and opted for the ER. They confirmed I had a hernia and scheduled me for a doctor visit later in the month. The doc was great, but found I had to indirect inguinal hernias and recommended the RoBo surgery where they inter the abdomin cavity above the waist line. It wasn’t until after thei started getting to work inside my groin region that a third hernia was discovered. The plus side: all corrective actions performed and I feel better than ever. I even took a walk with the family at DisneyLand on post-surgery-day 10! The bad side: not getting the hernia repaired sooner!
Comment by J | 07.13.2016 | 10:04 pm
And for some reason the paragraph breaks didn’t get copied. Sorry about that.
Comment by zeeeter | 07.13.2016 | 10:30 pm
I swear this race report has more barely averted disasters than Finding Dory. Gripping stuff!
Comment by rb | 07.14.2016 | 5:41 am
I am always the weak link. There is always something i have done that my wife needs to forgive me for. Fortunately, the family is awesome and can make up for me. Also, my wife’s ability to continually forgive my shortcomings is only one of the beautiful things about her.
I have not read ahead or looked at the results, but I am predicting a disheveled, confused, and somewhat hobbled Fatty still manages to pull out something special on this stage or the next, only to be totally outdone by the family (again).
I also predict ice cream consumption.
Comment by Brian in VA | 07.14.2016 | 7:15 am
This entire race report can be filed under Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an optimist!
Can’t wait for the rest of this.
Comment by Heidi | 07.14.2016 | 2:30 pm
Lindsey deserves a medal.