We found ourselves at an impasse, staring at each other. Giving each other the stink-eye. Wondering who would blink first.
What would happen? Who would prevail? Neither party seemed willing to budge in this epic battle of wills.
The tension was simply too much to bear.
Luckily, a third party has stepped in, acting as a calming influence. A voice of reason. Specifically, the good folks in the staff at Bike Monkey / Levi’s GranFondo sent this letter:
And for those of you who don’t like reading the text in jpegs from scanned letters, here’s the text of what they said.
13 September 2011
Mr. Fat Cyclist, Mr. Levi Leipheimer:
Alright, everyone just take a deep breath.
In.
And out.
Again, in.
And out. Big exhale this time.
That’s better.
There’s a lot of mud being slung here; one side thick with allegations of extortion and abject thuggery; the other piled with thinly veiled threats and intimidating innuendos. This little dance has gone from zero to crazy at a speed that’s no good for anyone. We here at Levi’s GranFondo are butting in before something happens that someone’s going to regret.
Fatty, you’ve stuck your neck out. You felt compelled to expose something you thought was a danger to the sport of cycling and the health of anyone within arm’s (or leg’s) reach of Levi. It was a bold move but, considering what you alleged, you’re kind of nuts. If you’re wrong, you’d have bad-mouthed one of the best riders in the saddle today. If you’re right, then, by your own definition, you’d be in traction, dining via a straw, and blinking one for yes, two for no. You set yourself up for a loss, so you had to see this coming.
Patron, we get it. You’ve inspired a certain…discretion amongst your colleagues and team members. You’ve been very clear about how you’d like things handled, especially when describing the consequences of failure in precise detail. We here at your GranFondo appreciate that clarity and prefer not to ask questions. After all, you said it best yourself just a couple of weeks ago: “Just don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” You then turned a pale green, grunted a bit, and won the US Pro Cycling Challenge.
We just hate to see two guys go after each other like this in such a brazen display. It seems counter productive and someone could get their kneescheekbonesteeth feelings hurt. So we’re going to turn this around in the fairest way we see fit.
Fatty, you’re going to be our honored guest at Levi’s GranFondo again. Bring the Hammer. Relax, drink the wine, enjoy the mid-autumn sunshine. Come to our Festa fundraising dinner. Eat. Be merry. Do not lick the auction items, as we agreed last year. Ride your bike at the GranFondo, exalt, smile a lot, etc.
But remember, you’ve abused our trust with your painful allegations. We need to know that you’re still a vested member of the GranFondo community and the best way to do that, of course, is to help us with the primary goal of the GranFondo: fundraising for our charities. We know the kids (and the animals) at Forget Me Not Farm would appreciate it. We’re positive that LIVESTRONG could do some good with any money you could raise. The schools, fire departments, and other programs we support for the communities along the GranFondo route would certainly appreciate it as well.
On our side, because our main man might have given somewhat questionable direction to his legal representation, resulting in a letter that could’ve been construed as maybe a little hostile, we’ll throw in some help for your fundraising push. Let’s say a few GranFondo jerseys by Capo? Shoot, maybe even a couple of full GranFondo kits, from Giro helmets to socks and everything in between? While we’re at it, why not a full ride for two: airfare, lodging, a couple of seats at the Festa dinner, a pre-GranFondo spin with Levi, and two spots in the sold-out GranFondo itself? You’d know what to do with something like this, yes?
There. That’s better. Doesn’t this seem fair? After all, everyone gets something great out of it. Especially you Fatty, since you get to keep your ribs intact.
Win win!
Sincerely,
Your pals at Bike Monkey/Levi’s GranFondo
What This Means
So let me get this straight. If I be what passes for nice in these parts, as well as help fundraise for some really great charities, The Hammer and I get to come to the GranFondo? And bring a couple folks from Team Fatty along? And give away some awesome second prizes?
OK, I’m in. Let’s do this.
What You Can Win
The prizes for this contest are pretty simple to explain, really. There’s one first prize (for two people) and two second prizes.
Ride with Levi and a small group the day before the GranFondo (Sept 30)
Tickets to ride in the impossible-to-obtain, sold-out GranFondo itself
Second Place:
Two second-place winners will get the super-swank full 2011 GranFondo kit. That’s about a $475 prize, and is guaranteed to make you look exactly like this:
Specifically, you get all of the following:
The 2011 GranFondo / Giro Aeon Helmet (below image is the top-of-the-line, $250 Aeon helmet, but doesn’t reflect custom GranFondo design):
The 2011 GranFondo Jersey (made by Capo):
The 2011 GranFondo Shorts / Bibshorts (made by Capo):
The 2011 GranFondo Arm Warmers (made by Capo):
The 2011 GranFondo Cycling Cap (made by Capo):
2011 GranFondo Socks (made by Capo):
How To Enter
Want a chance at winning a trip to ride in the GranFondo? I thought so. It’s easy. Here’s how:
For every $5.00 you donate, you get a chance at winning either the first or a second prize.
The contest begins now, and ends Midnight (PT) Sunday, September 25. I’ll notify winners on Monday.
Sorry, but all prizes are available in the US only. What with customs and the logistical issues of trying to fly someone here from Lithuania in time. You understand, right?
Why You Should Enter
There are a couple of really good reasons for you to enter this contest. The first, of course, is the possibility that you’ll win a trip to Levi’s GranFondo. Which is an amazing experience, with fancy food, and an incredible ride. With breathtaking scenery.
Apart from that, though, is the fact that Levi’s GranFondo does a lot of good for a lot of people, and when you donate, you’re doing a lot of good too. Your donation goes to benefit all of the following:
LiveStrong: What could I say about LiveStrong that I haven’t said ten thousand times before?I’ve seen firsthand the good that it does, and I’m really pleased that Levi’s GranFondo is supporting it too.
Forget Me Not Farm: Forget Me Not Farm helps thousands of at-risk children and youth break the cycle of abuse.
Local help: The GranFondo helps local schools, cycling programs, emergency services and community services.
So, whether you win or not, you’re doing something good for someone who needs it. That’s awesome.
So please, donate. Maybe you’ll win something awesome, and for sure you’ll be doing something good.
And you’ll probably help me avoid having Levi punch me in the throat (again).
PS: Tomorrow I start up with the France trip storytelling. Honest.
An “I Can’t Believe This” Note from Fatty:You’ve done it. $134,240 raised, as of this moment. You’ve raised enough to buy 1000 bikes for kids in Zambia.No, make that one thousand and one!Everyone, thank you!
In addition to the most important thing — that 1001 kids’ lives are going to be changed for the better — this means that someone is going to join Johan, The Hammer, and me in Zambia.
Oh, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t wind up being 1111 bikes for kids in Zambia. The contest remains open; we continue to appreciate your donations! – FC
I planned for yesterday’s post to be the last one about the Grand Slam for Zambia project. Honestly, I did.
I figured I had said everything I had to say about it. I’d made my case. I’d showcased the prizes. I’d said what I was going to say, said it, then said what I had said.
And in short, I was finished.
And then a couple of things changed. And now I find myself needing to post about some unexpected and extremely cool new twists in the Grand Slam for Zambia project.
Spend the Day in San Francisco With Gary Fisher, Riding Your New Trek Allant
This is Gary Fisher.
He is a cycling icon. He is smart, and interesting, and funny, and fabulously eccentric. He is the kind of guy you would just about kill to be able to spend an afternoon with, riding bikes around a really amazing city — you know, like San Francisco, California — talking as you visit his personal favorite restaurants and bars.
Gary will show you his personal favorite bike shops in a bike-crazy town. He’ll take you by art galleries. You’ll get your shoes shined. You’ll learn about and see the bike advocacy happenings in San Francisco.
And you will eat. Some more.
And in general, you’ll spend the day with Gary Fisher, cycling legend, hanging out in his native habitat.
And you’ll be riding your new bike. Which will be this:
Or this:
Whichever style you choose, it’s the Trek Allant, a stylish, practical commuter / townie bike. Could there be a more perfect bike for you to cruise SFC with Gary Fisher? I don’t think so.
So, to sum up, we’ll fly you out to San Francisco (if you live outside the US, you’ll need to take care of getting to the US on your own; we don’t have unlimited budget here), put you up in a hotel, set up your bike, and then you and Gary will head out on the town.
And I will beg you to please take lots of pictures and do a guest post on your day. Because I would really really really love to be the winner of this contest and wish I were eligible, but I kinda suspect that people might suspect foul play if it turns out that I did in fact win this contest.
How You Can Win
This prize will be given out if and when The Grand Slam for Zambia project has raised enough to buy 900 bikes. That’s $120,600, which is $9,435 more than we have raised at the moment I write this.
To enter and get a chance at winning this or one of the many other prizes I mentioned yesterday, go to the Grand Slam for Zambia donation page and make a donation. For every $5 you donate, you get a chance at winning a prize. And if you donate enough to donate a whole bike for a kid in Zambia — $134 — you get an extra three chances.
As if the “Hang Out With Gary Fisher for a Day” prize, combined with all the other prizes, weren’t awesome enough, how about this: Johan Bruyneel just posted on his blog that he will be coming along on the trip to Africa. Here’s what he says:
As many of you know, Eva and I had the opportunity to go to Africa last year and it was truly a life altering experience. Fatty and The Hammer (as he affectionately calls his wife … Don’t know many men who call their wife “The Hammer”) are going to Africa as a thank you for all their leadership in spreading the World Bicycle Relief mission. And assuming we reach the 1,000 bike milestone / $134,000 by end of day Sunday, a lucky donor of the Grand Slam for Zambia will randomly be chosen to join Fatty and The Hammer on an all expenses paid trip to Africa.
But as much as I’m excited for Fatty to experience first hand the great work he’s done, I also want to see for myself the progress being made in Zambia. So Fatty, if it’s ok with you – Eva and I will be joining you, The Hammer and a lucky donor (we hope) this Fall in Africa. We’ll be together for a little over a week, so I hope you have some good stories to entertain us all!
Which means, if (when!) we hit that Thousand Bikes goal, whoever wins isn’t going to just spend several days in Africa with The Hammer and me, learning and helping and putting Grand Slam for Zambia stickers on bikes.
You’ll also be spending those several days with Johan Bruyneel, the Sports Director over more Tour de France wins than pretty much anyone, ever. The guy Phil Liggett called arguably the best director of all time.
And he’s also a really great guy.
I’ve been lucky enough to spend a couple hours with Johan, and that was long enough to make me a fan. If you win the trip to Africa, you’ll be spending days with him.
That should be interesting, don’t you think?
Who Gets Which Prizes?
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the Grand Slam for Zambia project has become a bit of a prize magnet. Honestly, I’ve lost count of how many prizes there are, and I’m incredibly glad it’s not my responsibility to do the drawings and contact the winners. WBR has agreed to take on that task.
Here’s how it works.
WBR will format a spreadsheet to have every donation on it, using my ‘magic spreadsheet of prizes’ template.
They’ll choose a winner.
They’ll contact that winner and ask which prize s/he wants from the available prizes.
The winner chooses a prize, and that prize is scratched off the list.
Repeat steps 2-4 ’til all the prizes are gone.
As you might expect, this will take a while. Once it’s all nailed down, though, I’ll list the big prize winners and a little bit about them.
Have I mentioned how glad I am that I get to be the guy who does the fun part of this contest, and that I don’t have to do the hard part?
I think I may have mentioned that.
Anyway, I think I may have also mentioned that this contest is almost over. If you want a chance at winning the trip to San Francisco to hang out with Gary Fisher, or the trip to Paris to see the Tour de France, or the trip to Africa to hang out with Johan and me and see what WBR is doing to improve the lives of kids there, or any of the many other prizes, you’ve got to do something: Donate.
Specifically, I recommend you donate $134. By doing this, you have bought a bike. Which means you have changed a kids life, for the better, in a huge way.
Which means, whether you get a prize or not, that you are a winner. Big time.
This Grand Slam for Zambia project is getting out of control, in the best way possible.
First of all, we crossed the 750-Bike mark (our 3/4 mark) today. What does that mean? Well, it means that Trek Travel is going to send some lucky donor to the 2012 Tour de France, to witness the final stage on the Champs-Elysées.
Seriously, that’ s amazing.
But you know what? There’s even more awesomeness I get to tell you about today. And that awesomeness comes courtesy of National Champion Ben King, who has a prize he’s going to add to the pot.
I have never had such a prize list. Ever ever ever.
And with — as of this moment — enough money to buy 764 bikes raised we’re a mere $31.5K away from hitting our goal of $134,000.
At which point we’ll be able to give away the grand prize — a trip to Africa to see what World Bicycle Relief has been doing — as well as to put Grand Slam for Zambia stickers on a whole lotta bikes!
Johan Bruyneel, the Sports Director for Team RadioShack, recently sent out an email to his subscribers. It explains how buying a bike — a $134 donation — affects the child you buy the bike for.
We’re down to the last ten days of the Grand Slam for Zambia — the project where we’re trying to raise enough money to buy 1,000 kids in Zambia bikes.
I’ve got some great new prizes to announce, but first, I want to talk just a little bit about what we’re hoping to accomplish.
When we give a bike to a kid in Zambia, we are changing that kid’s life — not just for the moment, but permanently. We’re making it so that kid doesn’t have to walk four hours to cover the ten-mile trip to school and back.
That means the kid gets to school quicker. And safer.
And that means the kid is more likely to stay in school. And graduate. And get a better job.
In short, when we give a bike to a kid in Zambia, we are drastically improving that person’s chances at having a good life.
So really, what we are trying to do is give 1000 kids a better life.
I love that.
Where We Stand
If you take a look at the donation page for this contest, you’ll see that we just crossed the $70,000 mark. We’re trying to get to $134,000, so we’re just over halfway there.
$70,000 is a lot of money. Enough to buy 522 bikes. That’s pretty impressive.
But we don’t want to buy 522 bikes. We want to buy 1000.
And since the contest ends August 27, we don’t have much time left.
So we’re going to throw some more prizes in the pot. You know, just to give you an extra little nudge.
New Prizes
Hey, have you ever heard of Chris Horner? Yeah, I hear he’s a pro cyclist or something. Well, a couple of days ago, he tweeted this:
And what did he want to throw into the pot? This:
So yes, a jersey autographed by Chris Horner is now officially one of the things you can win by donating in the Grand Slam for Zambia contest (Thanks tons, Chris!)
Oh, and here’s a little something some of you may have heard about at some point or another:
Yup, RadioShack has thrown a 16Gb White iPhone into the fabulous Grand Slam for Zambia pot o’ prizes. This is exactly the phone that The Hammer uses, by the way, so that adds an extra measure of awesomeness, if that’s possible.
For every $5.00 you donate, you get a chance at a prize.
If you donate $134 — enough to buy a bike — you get a bonus 3 chances. (If you donate in multiples of $134, you get a bonus 3 chances for each 134 you donate).
You have between now and August 27, Midnight (MT) to donate.
We’ll notify the winners by email and phone.
Please, change a life by buying a bike for a kid in Zambia. Who knows — maybe you’ll win one of the increasingly huge number of incredible prizes being offered.
The thing is, I was happy to take on this challenge, because it’s a pretty amazing thing to consider: every bike we raise money for changes a life. It gives a kid in Zambia a way to make the commute to school, to get educated, and to get a big boost on the trail toward a better life.
If we raise $134,000, we’ll drastically improve the lives of a thousand people. And that’s how Grand Slam for Zambia: 1000 Bikes. 1000 Lives Changed was born. Check out the awesome sticker we’ll be putting on those bikes:
And if you donate at least $134, we’ll send you a sticker to put on your bike, too.
Johan didn’t leave us with just a challenge, though. He put out a few pretty nice incentives, with new incentives coming available as we hit fundraising milestones. We’ve already hit the first two milestones, which means that somebody’s gonna win a SRAM Red Pro Gruppo, and someone’s going to win a race-ridden Team RadioShack bike.
And with more than $50,000 raised in the first ten days or so, we’re in spitting distance of the halfway-point incentive, at which time a yellow jersey worn on a Tour de France podium and then signed by Lance Armstrong.
And those are some very cool incentives. But I’ve been busy, using my superpower of asking companies for stuff, and now I’ve got more prizes to add to the pot. Quite a few more, in fact. Enough more that if you haven’t donated yet, I’m hoping you’ll do the math and get out your credit card.
How These Prizes Work
All the prizes I’m listing below will definitely be given away as part of the random drawing — these are not “milestone” prizes. So, if you’ve donated already, you’re entered for these prizes. If you haven’t, well, you aren’t. So you should probably go donate now, eh?
These shoes are almost too beautiful to wear, and it’s lucky they’re only almost too beautiful, because you’ll definitely want to wear them. I have a pair of these shoes, and the Boa Closure System takes what is already a near-perfect road shoe and finishes the job. Twist one dial to cinch — smoothly and evenly — the front of the shoe. Twist another dial to cinch the top. Twist the other way to loosen.
These shoes retail for about $350, and some lucky winner will get them as part of the drawing. I hope it’s you, because you would love them. And you will also love the Boa jersey that comes with this prize as an awesome bonus.
An Entry Into the 2012 Breckenridge Epic Stage Race
Six days — or three days, your choice — of mountain bike racing in beautiful Breckenridge, Colorado. It’s The Breckenridge Epic, and it’s going to be an incredible race. A tough race. A race you will be so glad you’ve done, once you’ve done it.
So it’s a good thing you’ve got a year to train for it.
This race is on my bucket list. I want to do it next year. So it’d be kinda cool if we were both racing it, wouldn’t it?
Yes, it would.
This prize has a retail value of $995, and includes everything that normally comes with a solo racer entry, which is actually makes it an astounding bargain. If you want to get a team together, they’ll need to pay for their registration, which seems only fair, since it was you — not them — who won the prize, right?
This isn’t really just a prize. It’s 30 prizes. Specifically, 30 people will get to choose which of these awesome Smartwool products they would like:
PhD Cycling Ultra Light Mini Socks: Featuring WOW™ technology in high density impact zones, shock and abrasion are reduced. The 4-Degree Fit System keeps the sock in place.
Arm Warmers: Thanks to seamless construction, you’ll stay comfortable and warm, and have maximum freedom of movement. A non-binding welt at the wrist and bicep openings will keep warmers in place.
Knee Warmers: Seamless construction allows freedom of movement, while a mesh knit ventilation zone at the back of the knee permits airflow. A non-binding welt at the thigh opening keeps warmers in place.
Have I mentioned that I’m a big fan of Honey Stinger? I have? Possibly even recently? Well, that’s something you’ll probably see as a theme in prizes I wrangle: they tend to be products that I happen to love.
Two people will win what I call a “Honey Stinger Smorgasbord:” A box-sized sampling of each of the awesome energy food Honey Stinger has to offer.
Hey, is that guy going bowling? No, biking. It’s a full-on technical cycling jersey, but with a different cut and look. Club Ride has got a unique look that allows you to feel comfortable both during and after the ride.
Club Ride is providing two prizes: one mens’ shorts and jersey kit (your choice of each), and one womens’ shorts and jersey kit.
For myself, I’d go with the Half Rack shorts, maybe matched with the mens’ Bowler shirt.
But that’s just me.
The Real Reason We’re Doing This
Of course, prizes are fun, and I like to give them out. But — we both know it — the real reason you’re donating is not in the hope you’re going to win something. It’s because by doing so, you are, in a very simple and practical way, making a life better. You’re giving a chance to a kid who otherwise isn’t getting a lot of chances.
Finally, courtesy of 
An Entry Into the 2012 Breckenridge Epic Stage Race
Honey Stinger