A “How About Another Race Story About the Ironman?” Note from Fatty: John Moore, whom I referred to as “The Arizona Guy” in my Ironman writeup, has written his own very interesting Ironman story. I highly recommend it;read it here.
Could I Have Done This Race Without Training?
You might remember that the way I originally got into the whole Ironman mess in the first place was by positing that a cyclist could just pull an Ironman out of his butt, were he so inclined.
So, now that I’ve done an Ironman, you’d think that I’ve answered that question.
Except I probably really haven’t. Because I cheated. Here’s how:
I swam several times. True, not enough to make me a good swimmer, but enough to make sure I was confident I could at least swim that far — though I was totally honest about having doubts about making the cutoff.
I ran a little bit, and would have run more if I could. Thanks to doing practically no running for at least a month before the race, I may as well have not run at all prior to the Ironman, but I’m a full-disclosure kind of guy, so there you go.
So, to be truthful, I didn’t just pull an Ironman out of my butt. But my opinion that a cyclist (me, in this case) could just pull an Ironman out of his butt remains unshaken.
Nay, I’ll go further: my opinion is strengthened. Here’s why:
MyAqua Sphere wetsuitpractically did the swim for me. The swimming I did prior to the race might have made me fifteen or twenty minutes faster — or let’s be really generous to me and say it made me half an hour faster — but with the wetsuit I had, I would have finished this swim even with no swim training whatsoever. So let’s say I would have started the ride two hours into the race, instead of 1:30 into it.
If I had trained more on the bike and less on the swim and run, I’d have been faster on the bike. Probably not a lot faster, but if I had skipped the hours I spent running and swimming and spent them on the bike instead, I’d definitely have been stronger on the road. Let’s be conservative and say I’d have been only ten minutes faster over 112 miles.
I could’ve walked the marathon in < 8.5 hours.All I’ve got to do is walk3.1 mph (which is not even “brisk”).
So yeah, I still think a strong cyclist who doesn’t do any running or swimming could complete an Ironman without doing any other training.
The question is, could a strong runner who does no riding or swimming complete an Ironman? I think that’s less likely; the aerobic base and leg strength will cross over to a degree, but probably not enough. Depends on the runner.
Or could a strong swimmer who does no riding or running complete an Ironman? That one’s easy: no way.
But just because I reassert that my original hypothesis is correct doesn’t mean I haven’t changed my mind.
Where before I thought that because a cyclist could pull off an untrained Ironman that triathlons are inherently silly, I now have spent some time racing with these guys, and I like them. I like their cheerful acceptance of pain, I like the way they train in multiple disciplines even though they don’t like some of them, and I like their crazy dedication. They were fun, self-effacing, nice athletes.
Still, I stand fast on my earlier proclamation: I don’t want to do another one.
But I can understand why someone would.
Tomorrow: The 100 Miles of Nowhere
And now, with the Ironman out of the way, I can get on to my really important race, which is the Third Annual 100 Miles of Nowhere.
I understand that 500 of you will be joining me (as race director, I didn’t have to reserve a slot, and I get the t-shirt anyway).
The Runner, her son The IT Guy, and I will be doing the Alpine, UT edition of this race from the comfort of my nice cool basement (there had been talk of doing it in a bike shop, but when only two locals expressed interest in joining me, I decided that I’d just do it at home instead).
Our plan is to watch the second half of the second season of Dexter, as well as the first Iron Man movie, to get us in the mood for seeing Iron Man 2 sometime next weekend or so.
Also, for the first time ever, I will be doing the 100 Miles of Nowhere on a trainer instead of on rollers. This is because both The Runner and The IT guy will be using trainers set to 0 resistance, and I don’t want to finish hours and hours behind them.
Also, in recognition that The Runner and I have been doing a lot of long runs and rides and other training during Saturdays lately, we’re going to start our 100 Miles immediately after getting the twins to bed tonight, so we have all of Saturday open for family stuff.
Your Writeups
The thing I liked absolutely best about the 100 Miles of Nowhere last year was reading and posting other race reports, so be sure to email them to me. Just put the body of your report in the email message, and attach the photos. That way I don’t have to mess around with removing word processor fonts and formatting.
Also, keep your reports short, and remember that I won’t be posting all of them, because I’m far too lazy. So don’t get mad at me or anything, OK?
Is it weird for me to be all excited about riding 100 miles on my rollers on May 8?
It is? OK, I kind of thought so.
But I can’t help it. I’m excited. I’m excited because last year I loved the stories people sent in and I’m excited to read — and post — more of them this year.
I’m excited because I’ve got awesome schwag for everyone, as well as some very cool “door prizes” a few people are going to be surprised with.
I’m excited because this year we’re all going to watch a not-yet-available-to-the-public movie while we ride — and it’s topical and everything!
Most of all, though, I’m excited because together we’re going to have a lot of fun and a little bit of suffering together while we raise a bunch of money for Team Fatty’s LiveStrong challenge.
We’re having fun, getting schwag, getting a really hard workout, being ridiculous and giving cancer the finger — all at the same time.
So if you already are sold and know what this is about, you can register now — here for men, here for women.
Or read on for details.
What Is the 100 Miles of Nowhere?
The 100 Miles of Nowhere is a race without a place. It’s an event in which hundreds of people participate . . . all by ourselves.
It’s a very strange thing where you pay $95 for the privilege of riding your rollers, trainer, or a very small course (like around the block) for 100 miles. And then the profits from your entry go to LiveStrong, to help them as they help people, worldwide, in their battles against cancer.
I did the first annual one by myself, back before I knew it would be annual at all. The second one a bunch of us — from all around the world — did together, and people sent in their stories, many of which I published here.
This year, the “official” date of the race is Saturday, May 8, and the time is whenever is convenient for you.
And, thanks to the flexibility of the event — i.e., it’s just you, really — if May 8 doesn’t work for you, you can do it another day.
Like in October, if you feel like it.
And also, the “100 Miles” part is more of a guideline than a rule. For example, if you would rather ride 50 miles, that’s fine with me. So is 25.
Or if you’re a runner and you want to do a marathon on the treadmill, that would be awesome. If you’re a swimmer, swim five miles. I’m not picky.
And of course, the very best thing about the 100 Miles of Nowhere is that you are going to win your division. You just need to make sure your division is specific enough that there’s no chance anyone else is in it.
For example, I’m pretty sure I’m going to win the “Middle-Aged Cycling Satire Bloggers Based Out of Alpine, Utah” division.
In fact, I hope to dominate that category.
What Do You Get?
I have mentioned, a time or fifty, that one of my most impressive superpowers is the ability to ask companies for stuff. I’m completely unashamed. And, as it turns out, when I have a good cause, companies are more than willing to help out.
Yep, it’s true: most companies are full of people who like to do something good, and interesting, and unique.
So here are the cool things you’re going to get from the very cool sponsors of this year’s 100 Miles of Nowhere:
The T-Shirt: I love Twin Six designs, and I love the way they use nice American Apparel t-shirts to print those designs on, so I have an event t-shirt I’ll actually wear. The shirt is up at the top of this post, but what the heck
A free online viewing of Ride the Divide, a film following racers in last year’s Great Divide Race. This movie — not yet available to the public — will be online and exclusively available to participants in the 100 Miles of Nowhere on May 8. Furthermore, Mike Dion — a Friend of Fatty and one of the stars of the movie — will be riding the 100 Miles of Nowhere with me and anyone who chooses to join me in the bike shop where I’ll be doing this event. Check out the trailer:
AClif Bar, a package ofShot Bloks, and a package ofShot Roks: My love of Shot Bloks (except the Margarita ones) is well known. What I have not mentioned, however, is that I think the new White Chocolate Macadamia Clif Bar is incredibly delicious. Like, cookie-delicious. And the Shot Roks are the tastiest protein fuel-type food I’ve ever had.
And I’m not just saying that because Shot Roks are the only tasty protein fuel-food I’ve ever eaten. Even though they are.
The important thing is, Clif is coming out with energy food that you will — get this — actually enjoy eating.
Which seems like a brilliant achievement, in spite of it being obvious.
But if it’s so obvious, how come nobody else is doing it?
DZ Nuts Sampler : A while back, I reviewed Dave Zabriskie’s Nuts. And I was glad I did, because that opened the door for a 4 sample packets of this taintastic chamois lube. As part of your 100 Miles of Nowhere Schwag kit, you’re going to get to get four sample packs of DZ Nuts, and you’ll probably want to use one of those sample packs during the event itself.
Imagine: you’re going to get to liberally apply the same stuff to your chamois that Dave Zabriskie does. It’s like a dream come true.
And then you should feel perfectly at easy making “taint” jokes for the next several hours.
It’s your right as a consumer of DZ Nuts.
CarboRocket : It’s kind of awesome having one of your best friends be a wild-eyed inventor and entrepreneur. It’s even more awesome when one of his ideas turns out to be really great. My friend Brad is this inventor, and CarboRocket is — without question — the best sports drink in the universe. As a participant in the 100 Miles of Nowhere, you’ll get to try it out for yourself and see if you agree. I kinda think you will.
You’ll get two single-serving packets of this all-natural, mild-tasting sports drink. And then you’ll wish you had more.
Banjo Brothers Mini Seat Bag: You know who the first advertiser I ever had was? You know who the first company that ever did giveaways with me was? In both cases, it was Banjo Brothers, a small company making great bags for cyclists. I have this Mini Seat Bag on every single bike I own — both road and mountain.
You can fit a tube, a couple CO2 cartridges and adapter, a tire lever, and a small bike tool in there. And a couple of bills, in case you want to stop at a convenience store. It’s honestly about as perfect of an unobtrusive bike bag as there could be, by a couple of guys who ride bikes and know what cyclists need.
Aspire : You’ll get an autographed copy of Aspire: Discovering Your Purpose Through the Power of Words , written by Friend of Fatty Kevin Hall, and published by Harper-Collins.
Follow Kevin’s voyage of learning some words you probably don’t know, along with the deeper meaning of some words maybe you thought you knew.
This is a book I think you’ll want to share. And also, you may want to spend a few minutes thinking about the fact that poor Kevin’s going to have to autograph 500 books.
Which cracks me up, for some reason.
Timex: A cap, to hide your helmet hair after the ride. And also to fool people into assuming that maybe you’ve done an Ironman or something. For once, let people’s false assumptions work in your favor.
“100% Clean” Garmin-Slipstream Camelbak Podium Bottle : I have re-purposed all of my old bottles because I love the new Camelbak Podium Bottles so much. And while I normally ask you to buy one with my logo on it, if you’re doing the 100 Miles of Nowhere, you get a Garmin-Slipstream one for free.
I love the way this team supports us in the fight against cancer. And I’m sure Lance does too.
What Else Might You Get?
I’m currently working on some awesome “door prizes” to give to some lucky random people. I haven’t nailed all of these prizes down, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see the following go into some schwag boxes:
In late April / early May, you’ll get your kit, and you’ll be all set to go.
Now, there are a couple things you need to be aware of:
You can do this race anywhere: One of the nice things about 100 Miles to Nowhere is that it can be anywhere. I’ve had people ask me if they can do the race in Europe and Canada, and the answer is yes. Shipping might be a little more, and your schwag box may not get to you by race day, but that shouldn’t stop you from signing up.
The race is capped at 500: The sponsors of this event have very real costs associated with this event, and since — mostly — it’s small companies sponsoring the 100 Miles of Nowhere, I need to assure them that they’re not going to have to come up with — for example — 2000 seat bags. So, once we hit 500 participants, registration is over. If we don’t hit the 500 participants, registration goes through March 28. You should know, however, that more than 150 people signed up before I even posted today’s entry, so I have a feeling this thing’s gonna fill up. I wouldn’t delay if I were you.
Got a question? Leave it in the comments. I’ll answer it in comments — or if it seems like something a lot of people are wondering, I’ll update this post.
And In Conclusion…
This will be a lot of fun, and it will be very stupid, and it will do a lot of good.
Thanks for racing nowhere for 100 miles with me!
PS: If you’re a fan of Twin Six art and want to proclaim your 100 Miles of Nowhere loyalty on your computer, you’ll find a desktop-ready image here.
I have a lot of things to talk about today, but my availability to write is going to come in very small chunks. So, rather than wait ’til late in the day after I’ve written everything I want to — and all the information I need has come back to me), I’m going to just keep updating this post as I get a chance to add new stuff.
The Results of the “Help Fatty Help Kellene Help Dallas Get a Kidney” Contest
First, let’s get to the nitty-gritty: how much did we raise, and who won stuff? Well, there were 1,116 individual donations, raising $31,354. As usual, Fat Cyclist readers exceeded my expectations. Thank you.
I have sent out email to all the winners. As they reply, I will update this blog with their names. Until they reply, I will just note they haven’t responded, and will instead indicate the general area where they live. They have now all responded; be sure to read their comments.
The winners are:
Trek Madone:Lisa G ofCalifornia has checked in and says, “I didn’t donate for the bikes. We lost my grandmother almost 8 years ago. She had been on dialysis for 5 years and I know how hard that can be on a person. She was strong, but chose not to have a kidney transplant because the doctors said her kidneys would just start creating cysts again. I’m glad Dallas will get another chance at a transplant and I only wish I could have given more.” She also says that she doesn’t really need a bike, and so she is going to give the Trek Madone to . . .Kellene. That is cool beyond belief, and I know for sure Kellene will ride it with pride. Thank you, Lisa!
Diamondback Sortie Black: Brian B ofIndiana has checked in and says, “My teenage son has Crohn’s disease, so I am familiar with chronic health issues. My thoughts and prayers go out to Dallas.”
Lemond Fillmore: Richard P ofColorado has checked in. Richard has actually donated product (boomerangs!) for other giveaways I’ve done, so I’m excited to see that he’s won something. Richard says, “I would be honored to accept the bike and I will ride it with pride. I wish all the best for Dallas. Please say high to Kellene and Dallas.”
Troll House Cookies: Anne C ofDenmark says, “I am pleased to have been a part of raising money to help Kellene help Dallas get a new kidney. Please keep us posted on your blog on how he is doing. Thanks so much for the cookies. I am sure they will bring a lot of joy. I will share them with my colleagues, otherwise my coach is not going to be happy with me, being an athlete I have to watch my diet.”
A Note from Kellene
Thank you times 1116 from the Mortensens! How do we express enough gratitude to all of you for that kind of generosity? We will start here…
We are so appreciative to you all. Each one. We know times are difficult for each of you in some way. Even so you took the time to comment, to donate and to send well wishes our way. The donations will help off load an enormous burden that we are facing once again. The day to day medical crisis that continues will be that much lighter as we know we are not completely sinking financially. A huge relief.
We hope as you have read our story that you will think about organ donation. Living or deceased. Please make sure someone knows that you would like to give that 2nd gift of life. It is an amazing gift. Just last month here in Grand Junction, CO, a gift like that was given. A good friend of ours needed a heart transplant — a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Another family here in Grand Junction suffered the loss of their high school son. To help with their loss they gave his heart to our dear friend. He will now live on for many more years as he has saved her life. His choice to donate, in fact, helped over 100 other individuals with transplant needs.
As for Dallas’ immediate future, he’s scheduled to have a peritoneal catheter installed tomorrow, so he can begin peritoneal dialysis. This is good because the hemo dialysis has been giving him stroke-like symptoms and a resting heart rate of 111. Within a few weeks he should be able to go to work again. He’s excited for that.
We are now in the process of giving our son another chance of living free from dialysis and such difficult medical needs. I, along with my sister and brother-in-law begin the testing process for kidney donation next Tuesday. We will keep you posted as to our progress.
Again, thank you from the Mortensens. We hope that each of you will find peace, good health and happiness each day. Thanks for bringing each of those into our lives.
Sincerely,
Kellene, Rocky and Dallas Mortensen
A Note About This Contest From Fatty
This has been a very different contest from the ones I’ve usually run on this blog. Sure, on the surface, it’s similar: one or more bikes being raffled off for a good cause.
But this time they were used bikes — one of them extremely used.
And this time, the prize you win won’t necessarily fit you.
And this time, the contest has been for one person, instead of for a foundation — a person you probably hadn’t even heard of before I mentioned him here.
Honestly, I do not know how I have stumbled onto the most generous readership on the Internet. But I have, and I appreciate you.
Again, thank you for helping my sister’s family.
What’s Coming Up
I believe I may have mentioned recently that I am getting married soon. At this point in time, “soon” means “tomorrow.” And then The Runner and I will be heading off for a little vacation, and I have promised to not bring a computer with me.
Those of you who know me will know that this is not a small thing I have promised.
However, I have already posted stuff, which should magically appear daily without my intervention. They’re all posts I’ve rescued from my MSN Spaces Archive. Unless you’ve been reading me for all of the past five years, I’ll wager that at least some of them are new to you.
I swear, there are a couple of them I don’t remember writing.
In other words, while I won’t be around, posts will continue to appear each weekday. And I’ll be back with fresh stuff a week from tomorrow.
Also, time permitting, I will post a photo from the wedding tomorrow — probably between the wedding itself and the family lunch afterward.
Kellene is — without question — the most helpful, giving person I have ever met. Last year, she lived at my house more often than she lived at her own home in Colorado. She took care of Susan, my kids, and my house so I could continue to work and keep my sanity.
At the same time she was helping my family, Kellene was also helping raise money to help the family of a friend of hers in Colorado — Justin Nye — who was fighting cancer, so they could pay their medical bills. By doing a dinner and auction with local businesses putting up most of the spiffs, Kellene helped raise more than $20,000 to help this family out.
To top it off, Kellene spends time each week tutoring disadvantaged kids.
This is just how Kellene is. She’s pretty tough and she doesn’t want anything in return for what she does.
But right now, she needs some help. And I’m hoping you’ll help me help her. And if you do, You might win one of two very cool bikes — or one fairly uncool bike.
Dallas
This is Dallas, Kellene’s son:
He’s 22 years old right now, but has been dealing with kidney problems since before he was sixteen, when he went into acute kidney failure. He was in and out of hospitals for eighteen months while doctors tried to figure out what the problem was. They never diagnosed it, and when he was eighteen, Rocky — Dallas’ dad — donated a kidney.
And things were good for about five years. Dallas worked in the oil fields to save money to move to the city of his dreams: NYC. He’s been there for two years now, where he’s gotten his real estate license and has built a small firm dealing with apartment rentals and leases in lower Manhattan.
The kid’s the American dream, I tell you.
But then — right at the beginning of this year, Dallas’ kidney started failing. A biopsy came back with — finally — a diagnosis: a rare, very aggressive form of Crescentic IGA Nephropathy. Which means he has an autoimmune disorder that produces antibodies that attach to the kidney and ruin the filtration system.
So Dallas has been in the hospital more often than not since the beginning of the year. He’s undergone chemotherapy to stop the production of cells that were producing these antibodies. He’s undergone seven rounds of plasma pheresis — a treatment that removes all the plasma from your blood and replaces it with donated plasma.
The good news is, this has worked. The bad news is, it’s worked too late — Dallas’ kidney is toast. Dallas has started dialysis and needs another kidney. Three members from Kellene’s family will be tested (I wanted to, but Kellene says I currently have other fish to fry), and we’ll go forward from there.
And meanwhile, the bills are getting scary.
Help Kellene, Win My Madone or My Sortie
Kellene and Rocky have medical insurance, but it’s not going to cover everything. Not even close. Optimistically, they are going to be on the hook for $50,000, and very likely much more.
So this is my chance to do something to help. And I’m asking you to help me.
I’m going to have a contest to win three bikes. Now, since this is to help out a relative, not a cause, I felt a little bit weird asking companies to donate product.
So this contest is to win three of my bikes. And I think you’ll find they’re not half-bad bikes to win. Except one of them, which definitely feels like a consolation prize. But still: free bike!
Let’s start with the road bike, shall we? You might recognize this bike:
It’s the Trek Madone, powered by SRAM Red components, I won for my ride with Team RadioShack. It’s been ridden exactly once.
It still has the Fat Cyclist sticker on the headbadge and “Fat Cyclist” scrawled in Sharpie on the seatstay. It’s an awesome bike (54cm) with an awesome story to go with it. And you can win it.
(And by the way, both Johan Bruyneel and Trek have given me the thumbs-up for giving this bike away.)
It’s an all-mountain, 5″-suspension bike that has been upgraded to an almost ridiculous extent, the result being that it weighs only 26 pounds.
That’s a decent weight for a hardtail. Go here for more details on this bike, which is in basically new condition. Or go to the Diamondback site for info on the 2010 version of this bike.
The third bike you can win is…my three-year-old, heavy-as-lead Lemond Fillmore singlespeed road bike with bullhorn bars and TT brake levers!
This is a total bottom-end, steel-framed singlespeed road bike. But it’s in perfect working order. And the fact is I put a lot of miles on it last year, and have it to thank for getting me into good shape. I developed a good, smooth cadence by riding a lot of miles on this thing on the flats, and I got stronger by trying to haul it up mountain passes.
Oh, and it would take very little work to convert this into a fixie, if that’s your thing.
How to Enter
This contest works much like other contests I’ve run. For each $5 you donate, you get a chance at the prizes. In this case, however, your donations give you a double chance, since both bikes will be awarded from the same donation list.
In other words, when you donate your $5 — or $10, or $25, or $50, or whatever — you’re getting chances at all three bikes with each $5 you donate. Theoretically, at least, one person could win all three.
It’s easy to donate. Just click the button below, then enter the amount you want to donate and fill out your credit card info.
Note: the Paypal email address is bwright [at] gllblaw [dot] com, and your receipt will show a donation to Brad Wright. This is correct; Brad is the person administering the nonprofit that the funds will go through.
And if you’re too tall or too short to ride these bikes, may I suggest you donate anyway and then give someone who these bikes would fit an awesome surprise.
When to Enter
You need to enter now, because this contest is going to be short — less than a week long! The last day to donate is Monday, March 1, at Midnight MDT. I’ll be emailing the winners Tuesday morning and announcing them as soon as I hear back.
And Rocky will be in charge of mailing the bikes out, because — trust me — you do not wanting me boxing up a bike and mailing it to you. Not if you want it to arrive in rideable shape, anyway.
Thanks
I’ve said, many times, that the very best thing about this blog is the generosity and kindness of the readers who are willing to help me out. So — once again — thanks for helping me pay back a little bit of the huge debt of gratitude I owe my sister Kellene.
The problem with being a beloved internet superstar celebrity such as myself — apart from the many other problems that typically plague the incredibly wealthy, handsome, and famous — is that I have gotten to know other beloved internet celebrities.
I know, that doesn’t sound like a problem. But let me explain. I’ll try to be brief, but you and I both know that I’ll fail.
And as we’ve gotten to know each other, all three of these bloggers have helped me raise huge amounts of money for LiveStrong in the fight against cancer. Jill raffled off a super-sweet camera. Bike Snob raffled off a trip to ride with him. And Pioneer Woman raffled off a whole truckload of photography equipment and software.
As you probably know, I’m an attention whore I really like to win awards. And the “Best Sports” Bloggie is especially important to me, cuz if I win that this year, that makes three times, which would make me the first person to reach “hall of fame” status for that category.
But against friends? Well, the idea of that isn’t nearly as appealing, and for a while I considered just not even asking for your vote.
But then I considered: on a bike, do I race if a friend is in the race? Of course I do. And if I beat that friend, is our friendship damaged? Of course not, unless I really rub it in and blog about it and perhaps have a T-shirt made saying “I Kicked Dug’s Butt in Our 1:1 Challenge.”
Which I of course would never do. I think.
Similarly, if a friend beats me in a race, am I upset? Well of course I am, and you can bet that I’m going to cry as soon as I get to the privacy of my own bedroom. But at least publicly I’m going to punch him (or her) in the arm and say, in an affected British accent, “Good show old boy. Pip pip.”
My Instructions to You
So here’s what I would like you to do. Go to the Bloggies voting page, and vote. I’d really, really like to win the “Best Sports” category, so if you like my blog, vote for me there.
I’d also like to win the “Best Writing” and “Blog of the Year” categories, but against the heavy hitters there, don’t think that I realistically have a shot. But still, why not vote for the little (5′7″ and shrinking) guy?
Or, if you’re a big fan of one of my friends in any of those categories, please vote for them.
PS: For those of you who linked in here via the Bloggies page, here are a few posts from Susan’s and my battle with Cancer:
A 
